dinoceros
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As for being surprised that you could afford your place, I think it depends on the level of surprise and where it goes. I could see going out with a guy and finding out he had a fancy house (not necessarily saying your place is fancy, but just for the purposes of my imagination) and being like, “Wow, your house is so nice!” But I don’t I’d ever actually verbalize (especially at that point) being surprised that HE owned it. It’s rude, and it’s also implying a weird judgment of your financial stability, job, etc. I mean, I have a coworker who lives next door to the university basketball coach, and I never acted surprised when I went there for the first time.
It would make me wonder if the guy was trying to make a dig at you (like make you feel guilty or doubt your worth) or make obnoxious judgments (like “oh, someone must have bought this for her”), or is just so bad with money that he can’t fathom ever saving enough for nice place.
That said, if he never brought it up again and wasn’t weird about anything else similar, I guess I could get over it, but if he brought it up more than once or made it into a huge deal (like asking intrusive questions about my salary or commenting on my car or if I go on a vacation), then I’d think it doesn’t bode well for a future.
@grandma — Why did you even post here? I assume that you just wanted people to back you up on how terrible your daughter in law it. If literally ever single person on this post is in agreement, that means something.
But, sure, keep giving her art she doesn’t want. That’ll keep pushing her away, just like you want!
I don’t really text or talk on the phone with anyone before I meet up with them. In my regular life, I use texting as casual chatting or catching up with good friends, so it feels weird to do with someone I don’t know. I think last time I was on a site, we didn’t even exchange numbers because I feel like most people have email or apps on their phone, so if they message to say they were late, I’d still see it.
My mom is a hoarder. My dad and stepmom aren’t, but I remember my stepmom getting exasperated with me once when I sold/donated a bunch of stuff to move across the country. “When are you going to settle down an accumulate stuff?” I thought it was weird. It’s one thing to ask when someone will settle down or even buy a house, but “accumulate stuff” just seems like an milestone.
It’s so funny to me because my stepmom (she’s the one who buys gifts, not my dad) won’t give me anything if she thinks it requires some sort of visual preference. I asked for socks once, and she was so worried that she’d give me socks I didn’t like that she just gave me money instead. I can’t imagine what she’d do if I asked for art. Probably just give me the terrible painting her friend made for her of her dog.
20 is a lot. I don’t even have 20 pieces of art in my entire home. The perplexing thing to me is that if your husband is an artist, shouldn’t he also be an art enthusiast? Meaning that he has artists of his own that he likes and displays. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that an artist would expect another person to hang paintings of only one artist in their home. My artist friends hang a few of their own in their homes, but they also display art from artists who inspire them because they love art.
Anyway, tangent. Your DIL chose not to tell you directly because she probably knew you wouldn’t listen anyway. Because you know she doesn’t like them and you keep giving them to her. Who does that? How can you act like you and your husband treat gift-giving like this super thoughtful kind gesture when you knowingly give someone something they don’t want? When I give gifts, I do it because it makes me happy to give someone something they like. I don’t use it as a power play or a way to try to guilt someone. And if I’m too lazy to actually put thought into a gift, I do something useful like a gift card.
You’re being sort of hypocritical here, though. You’re mad that your DIL won’t tell you directly she doesn’t like the art. But you’re also mad that she won’t just shut up and accept dozens of paintings she doesn’t want. Honestly, it really just sounds like you don’t like her and you’re trying to nitpick and find something to be mad about. You cannot imagine how many conversations she and your son have probably had about how to deal with you. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.
Geez. I don’t even know where to begin. Art is a personal thing. Not everyone has the same tastes. Simply being related to you by marriage doesn’t mean that your DIL is going to love your husband’s art. Even if she did love his art, she certainly doesn’t want dozens of paintings. Giving someone the same gift for every holiday is incredibly lazy and impersonal. And doing that when you KNOW they don’t like that gift is hard to comprehend.
I imagine that she didn’t tell you she didn’t like the art because it was awkward, but also because it clearly doesn’t matter to you. You KNOW she doesn’t like his art and wants something else, and you continue giving it to her. I assume it’s out of spite. You’re trying to make some bigger meaning out of this — use this as proof that she’s some ungrateful wretch or whatever — when you could have just listened to your son and started giving gifts she’d actually like.
It sounds like you’ve decided not to like her and are purposely trying to either give her stuff you know she doesn’t like to show her how much you dislike her, or just expend as little effort as possible. If it’s such an affront to you to buy $5 bubble bath from Target, then just stop giving gifts.
I’m sorry if I”m going on a rant here, but your tone really irks me. If I had a relative who was giving me painting after painting despite knowing I didn’t want them, they’d be going straight from the gift wrap into the trash can at a certain point.
Yes, it can be unpleasant to go from having a partner to not having someone to sleep next to, or have sex with, or whatever. But it doesn’t kill you. I think you’ve built up this massive fear of feeling that discomfort. Of course you’ll be sad and miss things, but eventually you won’t. Unless a relationship lasts forever (this one won’t), everyone who gets into a relationship will eventually have to experience moving on from someone and missing them. Putting it off isn’t going to make it feel any better. You’re just going to sink more time into something that’s making you unhappy and going nowhere.
This is unrelated to what you’re saying about getting healthy, but if you compare this to someone exercising or eating vegetables — is it fun to eat broccoli instead of a burger? No. But in the long run, will you feel better having eaten nutritiously rather than junk food? Yes. You have to be willing to experience discomfort (which we all do as humans) for a period of time in order to have a better and happier life.
I know it feels like you wouldn’t know how to function but you would. Think of those people who’ve been married for 50 years and lose their spouse. They figure it out. And some of these are people in very traditional marriages where the spouses really were their entire world. If they can do it, you certainly can.
I don’t think the line between being approached in an annoying way or not is drawn at whether the person brings them roses. I think starting a conversation and then seeing what she does next is a good idea. The issue is that a lot of people just keep going. They either keep talking too long in that one instant or they keep approaching the person, and the person is forced to either change their routine or tell a stranger to stop talking to him. A LOT of people can’t determine boundaries on their own, so that’s why folks are suggesting caution.
Since she spoke with you already, then it shouldn’t be too weird if you speak to her. But there are a million scenarios. It could be she’s interested. Or she’s just a concerned person. Or she’s just an extrovert who likes talking to strangers. Or she is looking at you because you look at her. Or you look like her brother and she finds it fascinating. Maybe she’s interested, but was busy the day you approached her. Or she finds you attractive, but not enough to pay attention to every move that you make. Or she hoped that you’d strike up a conversation about the towel and you didn’t. Nobody can tell you what she is thinking, so that’s why everyone is suggesting that you speak to her and see what happens.
A couple of things here. (Also, I haven’t read all of the comments, so what I’m saying may not be as relevant anymore). It sounds like you’re trying to get at whether his hesitancy is more about his feelings for you rather than the practicalities. I don’t think that’s the main issue here. Though I will say that practicalities matter more to someone who could take or leave a relationship than someone who really wants it.
The issue here is that your plans and needs for your lives don’t seem to sync up. The amount of money he sounds like he’s giving up is substantial, and yes, we can say that if he really loved you, he wouldn’t care. But we could also just say that he’s trying to be logical and not disadvantaging himself and his future for a romantic relationship. You, however, chose to do that. You could argue that you’re more committed, but you could argue that you also were sort of naive and have misplaced priorities. I think that at your age, you shouldn’t so easily toss away education or financial stability and other opportunities for a relationship. Maybe he feels that way too. Maybe he’s just not into the relationship.
Either way, you two want and need different things. He’s not as self-sacrificial as you are, whether that’s related to your relationship, him as a person, or what, but I think you need to move on and actually put your future first for a bit before you get too behind in your career, etc.
Like the others said, it doesn’t hurt to smile and say hi. You’re not going to be able to determine whether she is interested or not just by observing her. I’m sure that I’ve had people at the gym mistake me for ogling them when I’m just trying to read their shirt or think they have a weird haircut, or I’m just bored on the elliptical. Even if I found someone attractive, I also may not have expected or intended on having a conversation with them either.
One of his issues is that he was being dumb when he lied. He went way too far into the lie (like discussing his viewpoints, “never” having gotten a lap dance, etc.) rather than just omitting info. I think that’s what makes him look deception is that he gave way more false info than he needed to give for the purposes. The other dumb thing he did was lie about something that was apparently going to be found out and that he was going to reveal that he lied about.
This isn’t just about whether it’s OK or not to go to a strip club. It’s him telling her about himself and choosing to lie rather than portray himself accurately. To me, it’s similar to if you aren’t a fan of guns and your partner says, “I hate guns. Never shot one. I really don’t think people should own guns.” And then they say they are going shooting with friends, and you’re like WTF? and they say, “Oh, well, actually I’ve owned several guns during my life. I go hunting sometimes and it’s really fun.” I think saying that this is totally fine because he’s trying to avoid her judging him or getting upset is a slippery slope because a person could do that for anything. And it makes you wonder just how afraid of judgment the person is. Is this the only thing they lie about? Or did they also hide other things?
