Heatherly
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I’m going to blunt. The reason I, @Juliecatharine and others are strongly saying do counseling for at least a year/ six months(and then don’t stop then either) before dating is that at your current level of esteem it means you will attract someone who will take the time to be abusive ( emotionally, physically and /or both). We don’t want that for you at all. It won’t be your fault, but abusive people can smell out those who are weaker. Abusive people can even attempt this kind of thing with those who are emotionally stronger, but it’s so much easier to wear down someone with no confidence in themselves. Look after yourself as there isn’t anyone who will do this for you.
There’re rigid and there’s bending over backwards to be helpful /liked. Your time and company are valuable. You need to aim for respect/ having boundaries and being liked second. Any man/person will treat you better if they respect you. Even if in the end, they don’t like/feel attracted. It will go a bit against the grain at first, partly because you’ve probably been raised as a woman in the South to be likeable/polite and because of the low esteem. But even confident South women have to say something along the lines of: ” no “or “I can’t do that”, “I’d love to go( where ever they suggest) but I’m busy that day, how about next Friday night?” or ” It’s great that you are passionate about the Boston Red Socks, but really ( your team) is better because of ( name a player/manager/ defense strategy…) etc. Go on, feel free to prove me wrong. ( smile warmly).” etc.
(3rd attempt to reply.)
Very happy to hear that you’re starting therapy. It’s not an immediate thing, but it’s so helpful in the long run. You deseve to recognise your worth. You sound a lovely, kind, intelligent and ambitious person so it’s beyond time you saw that for yourself. The counseling is the most important move you’ve made so far.
Also glad that in small way you’ve starting to date again. You’re making positive steps. But this is a warning, if a man ( actually any person) is hard to pin down and doesn’t say a time and a place up then they’re : a) not that interested, b) flakey, c) not worthy of indepth investment of your time or energy ( any & all of these points). Don’t chase up anymore after today’s text/email. Invest in those who invest in you- a scary concept when you’re low on self esteem, but the alternative is to chase your own tale and someone who is only likes the attention at best. So if he does come back with a time & place then go perhaps, as it’ll gain you some first date experience but this isn’t a person you want to date beyond tomorrow. I know this might sound disheartening at moment, but I want you to find someone worthy of your affection. Proud that you’re making steps in right direction & hope your hair and photos make a big impression. Start looking at others you’re interested in. It’s a numbers game until you find a few – eventually the one- you’re intersted in. 🙂
Below is the Matthew Hussey site. Helpful I hope. He’s also got a book & if you’ve got Facebook he has a page under his name where he posts videos etc.
http://www.howtogettheguy.comGood luck.
On the things to look out for ( yes to waiter/bar tender treatment as a sign to pay attention to):
1) Oh & if he brings up his ex and precedes to tell you how awful/crazy she is etc is, then cross that man off your list of men you date.
2) Listen to how he talks about his family and/ or friends. If it’s positive and kind- good. Or if says he’s not close to them, but wishes he was also fine. But if everything is about how much better he is to them or that horrible thing he did to them or etc …walk away.
Also personally I’m against dinner dates until maybe 3 dates in. I know it’s traditional, but there is nothing worse then being trapped with someone while you wait for courses and don’t know enough about each other to sustain conversation. I like meeting for a drink or two & leaving after 2 hours max. Next date some sort of activity, be it going to a gallery or bowling etc. As then you get see more of their personality and less pressure to be on show. Flirting is also easier on these dates too as there isn’t a table and food between you.
Good luck.
Here’s a guide to low cost services online and in person: https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/03/guest-post-14-free-and-low-cost-mental-health-resources/
Your school will have counselling services so go find and use them. Lack of self esteem won’t just affect your dating, but your overall life so please go and get counselling.
Though friends can help with the dating profile or you can actually hire someone for that too. & sports teams is another way to meet people or learning new skills etc.
Good luck.
Ok, look up Evan Marc Katz & Matthew Hussey for dating advice. Now, you very probably have low self esteem issues at work here which will require counseling/therapy to overcome. But the reason I speak of those two men; especially Hussey, is that they do dating coaching and that’s what I recommend. To set you in the right direction. Also you need someone to be objective and yet kind to help you. Your friends & Reddit (damn, don’t do that again as that’s soul destroying for no real purpose) aren’t the best at helping in this.
Being 36 & a virgin isn’t exactly the the norm, but it’s not like the end of the world either. I know it can feel lonely and isolating to be seemly different, but it just means in someways you have less baggage then most of us. Also you are not alone in this. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/mar/04/virgin-30s-40s-adult-never-had-sex
I can’t say who is out there for you, but I suspect you lack the know how on the right way to go find them in person or online. Though you should also know that even experienced people have difficulty in internet dating as there is too much choice. I do however suggest you join and find a meetup.com group or volunteer in something like a animal shelter to meet more men and more importantly expand your social life. Not every man you meet will necessarily be a potential partner but having a common passion will make it easier to talk to someone who you’re interested in.
Oh. This explains this relationship. Sorry, but definitely go to Ala Non & start solo counselling. I’m from a family of addicts too & dated addicts. It didn’t go well. It was only through therapy that I was able to change my attraction to addicts. Better then your father isn’t a ringing endorsement. This also “now” is better then your father’s behavior, the future with addicts is undeniably worse.
Love doesn’t make up for not being compatible in life. Sorry. I wish it did, but love only really enhances a relationship were two people are compatible in a lot of practical and emotional ways. People actions are more important than the words they say (they should match, but…) & no where is it more important to notice this disparity or alignment in when choosing life partners.
Oh & addicts are incredibly good at words and manipulation, they need to be in order to get what they want.
Try going to a local Al anon meeting to get perspective.
I don’t know what the LW’s husband is normally addicted to, but I’m betting weed is probably the lesser of his addictions. Though it doesn’t matter. If you don’t like the behaviour of an addict on a drug, then my advice remains the same. Leave him.
Yep, morning weed smoking is a bad sign…
Sigh. Don’t date addicts or marry addicts, especially ones who haven’t managed to stay clean for years. But it’s to late for that wisdom, but possibly in the future it’ll stick. You can’t control or change another human being. If he’s an addict & this is his addiction then there is nothing you can do to stop it. He’ll continue to lie to you or say the right thing but do the opposite , if you continue to push or even if you don’t push. So if you hate weed and hate him smoking it, then leave. Move on already. Sorry, but this the only advice I can give. I do have some experience of this too, so this isn’t just opinion.
You may decide to try and accept this about him & stay. Ok, but then you really have accept it and not say you do, but nag and try and convince him etc. As that’s dishonest and frankly a waste of your time. It’s far easier( though it’ll hurt etc) to leave him. It’s early days in the marriage and you’ve discovered a character flaw that isn’t going be easier to deal with as time, children and stress of normal life pile on.
Oh & don’t ever marry someone who you don’t really know. Good luck.
