Kate
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In her state, specifically, Sexual assault is defined as “oral, anal or vaginal penetration by, or with the sexual organ of another or the anal or vaginal penetration of another by any object.” Most commonly, sexual assault charges in the state occur when one person is accused of forcing another into a sexual act against their will.
And on every date, RR, he was like, may I kiss you now? I mean, no judgment if he was, but well, I guess I would judge it as awkward.
Correct, she should not go to clubs.
I mean, according to the strict letter of the people who write the rules of consent, it is on the spectrum of assault. But by that same letter of the law, every guy I’ve dated is a sexual assailant, and that just isn’t true.
A few weeks ago I almost DID get killed because some poor schmoe stopped at the crosswalk to let me cross, and I didn’t because I wasn’t born yesterday and could see the other asshole speeding up behind him. THAT nitwit burned rubber and skidded around to the RIGHT of the stopped car and almost ran me and my dog over even though we weren’t in the damn road. I reported it on the town web page and suggested maybe the cops do speed traps or something. The cops responded that it’s a state highway and thus I should contact the state.
If I’d started walking, I’d absolutely be dead. It would absolutely be the 2nd driver’s fault, not mine, but I prevented my own death by anticipating the guy was not looking out for my safety.
It wasn’t sex. It wasn’t rape. I’m not getting into scenarios that didn’t happen.
Society has so many rules and laws and protections, and still, many people don’t follow them. That means we all, male and female, have to look out for our own safety to avoid getting hurt. It’s not our FAULT if we do get hurt, but there’s so much we can do to avoid it beyond expecting everyone around us to follow a set of rules. If I don’t stop and look both ways before crossing the street in my town, I will probably get hit by someone speeding. It’s not my fault, it’s theirs, I was in a crosswalk, I didn’t ask to get hit, but unfortunately I can’t count on anyone to follow the speed limit and stop at the crosswalks.
“when we stopped, he asked for my number.”
We, not “he.”
Oh, two clarifications, RR, he kissed her “after a while” of dancing and talking. Not kissed her for a while. And the feeling her inexperience as a burden, I read as feeling like she should get some experience, hence her willingness to go with it.
She doesn’t say she stood there with her mouth shut either. She doesn’t say “tried to kiss me.” She says “made out with me.” And I find it entirely believable that she kissed back, because she didn’t know what else to do. And yeah, probably would have said yes if he asked. That’s not to say she asked for it, but yeah, not knowing how NOT to go along with something you don’t want is really problematic.
She said she was “so willing.” Who knows what that means, but that plus the “after a while” comment sure sounds like she gave him the time of day and things proceeded pretty normally.
Okay, and I would argue that you shouldn’t be going out to clubs in big cities (probably shouldn’t be at college on your own unless it’s a very tightly controlled religious school or something) without having picked up some basic tactics for dealing with drunk heterogeneous social situations like house parties and bars. I don’t know who’s remiss here – racist Dad, the school, the LW herself – but it’s time to spend a couple hours reading up. That book I linked to is great for women of all ages, too, if you feel like you wouldn’t necessarily know what to do in a situation like this either.
I’m sorry, Chance, but this is not going anywhere. It’s been a month since you spoke about what went wrong in the relationship. It’s now been 3 weeks since you even texted.
In a situation where two people want to be together – whether or not it’s a good idea to try again, which it more often isn’t – they kind of naturally move back into dating after a conversation like that. Like, let’s take it day by day and give this another shot. You two aren’t even talking. Whatever connection you feel you have isn’t strong enough to even keep you two in contact beyond a brief exchange of what sound like very superficial messages.
She got the regret she wanted from you. She got the heart to heart and the desire you expressed to fix things, the interest she wanted to hear in trying again. But she’s not really interested in trying again. She wanted you to see her new hair and her life because she’s proud of it and likes knowing you saw. But she doesn’t want to get back into a relationship *and neither do you.*
If you really think you do, then for shits sake, be the bigger person and ask her how she’s doing. And that will probably result in another superficial exchange and then more silence. Because you two are not happening.
