Kate
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I do think that if you aren’t getting quality sleep and getting some movement during the day, and some sunlight, it’s going to be really hard to make progress on routines that will set you up to feel good. You absolutely have to follow the good sleep hygiene stuff, not scroll on your phone in bed, etc.
If I have a bad night of sleep, I’m toast. Most of the time I get a good night’s sleep and I can be productive and feel calm and secure and not overeat. Get up at the same time, make bed, walk dog, have a smoothie, do some weights, stay hydrated, do the important/urgent items on my list… All of that sets me up to feel pretty good.
Becoming a happier person may mean doing some work to identify what you really want, and then making some life changes to head toward getting there. It might involve working with a therapist, coach, and/or a trainer. Maybe making peace with some things. Maybe even trying medication. It’s a process. There’s no easy quick fix. And finding a new partner won’t do it either. Better to start the work now while single, to become someone who can be a good partner in a healthy relationship.
Buying a house and moving are super stressful. Give yourself some room to feel the complex emotions. We bought a new place a few months ago and it was a stressful roller coaster negotiating with the builder and arranging everything.
Buying a home can be a good move, but it’s not a ticket to happiness, I think that’s kind of a myth of the American dream. Like, it’s shelter, it can help you build financial security, and it can let you express your style and make a home that is just how you want it. That’s really it, right? It’s not going to make a person who struggles with depression and anxiety, suddenly well.
Hold on, web page is acting up…
That was a genuine wow in reaction to you telling me to stop commenting. Was honestly taken aback.
Ok, should be all set. I wasn’t sarcastic or biting or in any way suggested you aren’t smart. You need to stop. ✋
That’s such bullshit, because I had a direct report struggling big time with time management and deadlines. My boss told me to go to HR (do NOT ever do that btw), and our HR business partner was like, “uh, you need to be really prescriptive, and you need to put meetings on his calendar to check in.” Like if I told him to do something I had to be super clear when it needed to be done, and proactively, myself, set up meetings to review the drafts. It’s not bullying to tell someone they need to work on their time management. If you implied they were mentally slow, or lazy due to race or something, that’s obviously harassment. Or there are other things you could say that might be mean but not harassment and might fit into a pattern of bullying or hostile workplace. But asking someone to speak up if they need more time is normal coaching, what managers are expected to do.
Ok got it. I do feel like this is a distorted view though: “I just wanted to be “chosen” instead of being put second to porn.”. Like, that might prevent you from forming a healthy relationship with a good man. It might be something to dig into further. Unless they have a problem / addiction, men aren’t choosing between porn and an actual partner, or putting porn over their relationship. They choose a partner and may also consume some porn. It’s not / doesn’t have to be a competition at all.
And IDEK let’s put this thread to bed, you can start a new one if you need advice on something else.
Thank you for being the bigger person.
Let’s not do this, please. You both have made some points, but now it’s just fighting between a teen and a millennial. It’s not uncovering anything new of value.
I went back and read your earlier post. It does sound like you have a potentially debilitating fear of being alone, and the intolerance of porn seems like it’s about needing a guy to prove he’s 100% devoted to you, with eyes for no other women? That kind of jibes with the lack of female friendships you talk about. I’m definitely not a psychologist but those two things seem to go together. So then after your breakup (he did end up moving out, right?), you find yourself spending time with this 50 y/o married skeeveball because you don’t want to be alone and haven’t developed healthy female friendships or other good ways to spend your time. Does this make sense? Is it a path you’ve explored in therapy?
