Kate
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Fyodor, can you please stop bringing that up? I deleted like 5 of her statements plus a couple of yours repeating what she said, because it was hate speech.
If it were just the church thing, I’d say, again, it’s something you two need to talk out… it’s not a matter of “he’s right, I’m a huge bitch for not going against my beliefs to make him happy,” or “I’m right, he’s being super manipulative.” It’s like, oh, clearly we are not on the same page here and need to get to the bottom of this and renegotiate the terms of how we raise our child wrt religion.
But there’s so much more than that going on here. The whole communication system and division of labor and the power dynamic are way off kilter.
Your EAP could help you with a legal referral too.
I know you’re probably tired and stressed and beyond busy, but you’ve got to take action here. This is very, very concerning and it’s not going to get better by itself.
It sounds like a lot of stuff cropped up Or came to the surface *after* your pregnancy and the birth, but I have to say this sounds very serious. You’ve mentioned a couple of times how you both seem to take issues outside the marriage, to friends, like a “who’s wrong?” kind of thing, and that’s bad. His behavior during your depression is disturbing, and yelling at you for not ignoring the medical advice re: sex after your C-section, that’s just… so bad. Please call your EAP and talk to someone. With mine, the person who picks up the phone is a trained counselor and you can just tell them everything that’s going on and they listen and then give you some names to call. You need help.
Right, it’s really messed up and I can totally understand how you feel. I just don’t think you can properly navigate through this and come to an understanding without some help. I would absolutely not just let it go.
Thanks Fyodor.
To be fair, I’m not sure your own communication here has been great, and you’re developing/harboring resentment that needs to be addressed. I think you’re both going to need to work to get back on track. You are also going to need to re-address and maybe re-negotiate the church attendance agreement. It might not hurt you to attend on special occasions, though taking vows is probably off the table.
Wow. This strikes me as pretty serious because the implications are so wide-ranging, from communication issues to religion & kids to family to changing goal posts (or whatever, not sure what the term is) of your marriage. I don’t like how your husband is blatantly disregarding your requests, preferences, previously agreed-upon terms, and health, while letting his mom beat you up.
Have you had any counseling previously? I’d call your work EAP and talk to someone about what’s going on in your life, then have a come-to-Jesus with your husband about how you’re feeling and the need for getting the hell onto the same page, and ideally do some sessions of couples therapy to smooth things out and get your communication on track.
This is serious.
That sucks, it’s like the process of putting bids in on homes over and over.
I’ve had (two) dogs continually since I was 23, the first being a free Jack Russell mix puppy I couldn’t resist in front of the commissary on the Air Force base in Italy where we were living, and the second a Jack Russell puppy I got from a breeder.
The thing is, they do need a dog walker during the day if you work typical hours in an office. After we got back to the states and I finished grad school and started working, I had people who’d come over in the afternoon to take Myles for a walk, and Mike has always had a guy pick him up with a group of other dogs and take him on an off-leash hike.
JRTs are obviously super active, but beyond that, I think 5-6 hours is the longest I’d feel comfortable leaving a dog without the opportunity to go outside and pee. If you could get a kid in your building to stop in after school, that could be affordable, but I don’t know how reliable kids are. Maybe if you could line someone up to be willing to do it, that would help your case. It’s good for you too, because you could have more freedom.
One other thing is, vet bills are through the ROOF now. I never get out of there for less than $250, and I’ve spent thousands trying to identify and manage Mike’s arthritis condition. Or he’s eaten disgusting dead things off the ground and they’ve had to run all kinds of tests. Once he jumped off a damn bridge at playgroup in the woods and ended up in the ER. It’s absolutely insane what I’ve paid the vet over the years.
Exactly, @dinoceros. I’d be watching for any more signs he might be weird about gender or money. If it’s a one-off, nbd. No way would I get sucked into justifying anything though.
If they expressed shock about how I could afford my lifestyle, I’d consider that kind of a red flag. It’s not good manners. I would definitely NOT get into any kind of explanation about it, just say, yup, matter of factly, and move on. Honestly if they’re surprised that a person in her 30s can afford an apartment or house, that doesn’t reflect well on them. I’d watch for other red flags. I never had anyone express surprise about where and how I lived.
My dad’s mother had the keys to our house. She lived with us for a while – my dad had converted the attic to a bedroom and bathroom for her – and then after she got her own place, she babysat us a lot. Fortunately she wasn’t the type to ever mess with anyone’s business, but she sure could have. My other grandmother showed up one day and decided I was ready to be potty trained and just went ahead and did it. Times were different for sure. Even now we get a number of letters about mother-in-laws showing up unannounced and getting into their kids’ private stuff, like doing laundry they weren’t asked to do. I bet it’s even gotten worse in some ways because we now have these helicopter mom’s who are used to doing everything for their kids.
