keyblade
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@David. I think you are doing the right thing, taking it slow and not pressuring her faster than she is ready. If she’s holding down steady employment and paying her bills she might be moving at the pace she’s able to, right now. Trust her to figure out her own margins; nursing is a great field, but it tends to come with a lot of stress and access to drugs. While it would be great for her to contribute to a 401k and keep her insurance, she might need to work on herself before she goes back to that field.
Focus on her successful sobriety. If she’s healthy and able to pay her bills and that’s the most important thing, right now. In time, maybe she will return to nursing or use her degree to set herself on a different career path. It may not be the path you envisioned but 23 is pretty young.
If she hasn’t taken time off from school or work maybe she needs to wait tables for awhile in order to figure out a “sweet spot”. Consider how many people lose their battle with addiction every day, and just try to enjoy having her. She’s past the age where you can push her past embarrassment if it isn’t what she wants, anyway.
Congratulations, Veritek. Your emerald ring is gorgeous.
My only thought about your sister-in-law is that maybe they are spending more time and money than they realized, before, when it was discussed. If the day and venue are really important to you, could you have two weddings? Maybe a special ceremony/vow exchange somewhere convenient for his family, and then go on to have a second wedding with your side eight weeks before?
Sorry, Ange.
“A backhanded compliment is a remark which seems to be an insult but could also be understood as a compliment. A backhanded compliment is also a remark which seems to be a compliment but could also be understood as an insult.”
@Themiddleway- Can you please explain to me how making a general statement intended to express vague disapproval was intended to be received by the general public? Was there a specific reason you included your disapproval when paying BGM a compliment?
How was coupling criticism to a compliment not qualification to label the comment as backhanded as defined in the Collins dictionary?
I actually really liked the rest of your post so the negativity really threw me off.
To me it seems to clearly indicate disapproval or dismay towards the very forums you chose to comment on. If you’ve been a loyal lurker, perhaps you’ve come across our host’s requests that commenters don’t insult the site. Could you clarify why it was important for you to include that comment?
I guess I saw a crone instead of a maiden. I interpreted the phrase “one of the few reasons” as emphasizing that there were “few” reasons to “still” lurk. But I may have linked your comment to the emotional temperature of a different thread active at the time. In the future, if I read ambiguity, I’ll seek clarification of tone, first. Sorry for the mistake.
It came off as a back-handed to me.
“Bittergaymark is one of the few reasons I still lurk this site.”
@Themiddleway, this line comes across as insulting the entire site.
The creator of this site has made forums open to the comments in the general public. If you haven’t or generally don’t enjoy the content, comments, or advice, feel free to keep that thought to yourself when you participate on it.Many people do like the space. It is an unnecessary criticism and it undermines the point you were trying to make about violating other people’s boundaries in an opportunistic window.
Congratulations, kmtthat!
@anonymousse- I think a lot of people have been in similar circumstances which makes it especially easy for these kinds of questions to bring out anecdotal thoughts about a wide range of issues.
I think when someone can identify with trauma it’s tempting to teach because one might genuinely have experience, thoughts, and something to say on the matter. However, I think the timing after something like this, probably makes a difference in a person’s ability to filter out what will be useful for them versus information that will just feed destructive or false internal narratives/ lessons and misplaced shame, guilt, and self-blame. I doubt anyone should be practicing counseling on the thread and my opinion isn’t necessarily more accurate than other posters but to me it seemed the discussion really got away from this particular letter writer and her particular question and particular circumstances.
If I’m being honest, my own responses were probably somewhat colored and reactionary to previous comments.
Maybe she had another round than she should have because it was fun and she didn’t think her friend would follow her up to her bedroom and see what would happen, maybe she wasn’t being polite she just was caught up in the moment and unfortunately drank too much. So what? It isn’t as though he gave her a breathalyzer to test her Blood-alcohol-level, he waited until she was away from everyone else in her bedroom. It seems he hoped she’d be too drunk to give any “no” signals but she did.
I can respect advice in general to not get wasted, I just don’t think this is the best context for it.
She is reacting to something that already happened, Kate. She isn’t asking about how not not re-live the exact same circumstances over. I think it comes across as condescending to keep reasserting the same book and advice when she is already challenged with wondering to what extent she should blame herself and her drinking for what her friend did. She isn’t asking about how to spot weirdos in a novel situation, presumably she already has known the friend for at least a few years and he passed the “gut” hurdles. I don’t know why you keep pushing to get this writer to feel empowered when she has given feed-back that your approach doesn’t work for her in this particular time interval.
RoseLousie, unfortunately many of these follow-up comments have very little to do with your personal situation.
For what it is worth, I disagree that your feelings and desire for reassurance over your relationship means you are unaware of the vulnerable situation you were in. If anything, I infer it means you feel MORE responsibility and anxiety about how getting shit-faced is going to impact the way you can socially navigate this situation with your friends and boyfriend. I infer that you asked because you were willing to read anonymous blind opinions to better cement your understanding and soothe your understandable discomfort.
The fact that your ex-friend apparently didn’t rape you but still tried to make a pass, but told you what happened might be more than you remember WAS a complete mind-fuck. A lot of commenters are being hypocritical about letting a friend of the opposite sex sleep downstairs at their parents house when they are adults.
People want to feel personally empowered and will use the comments on someone else’s thread to make sure they don’t feel weak.
The same people who keep trying to scold you even though you came back and told them why their (reasonable) inferences were factually incorrect, don’t want to get piled on.
