kmtthat

For the no spark text, I usually wait to see if they invite me out again and send some version of this: “Hey, it was great to meet you. I didn’t feel like we had the right romantic chemistry, but I wish you the best of luck!” I’ve never had anyone be rude or snippy after that. And it’s infinitely better than ghosting!

Wendy you’re killing me hahahaha. Pretty sure you’ve nailed it and we’d be swooning over the same dude! I will say, the last two guys I dated were really nice, good guys that just didn’t work out so I feel like some progress has been made. I’ve taken your advice of dating against type and it hasn’t worked out yet, but just staying open minded 🙂

@fyodor Yeah chemistry can sometimes be a cop out. I try to balance it with shared values so even if they are super attractive/we get along great it’s a no-go if those don’t vibe (e.g. genuinely kind, affectionate, family oriented, ambitious/driven in whatever career they’ve chosen, non-religious, adventurous, communicative, willing to never make me move to the suburbs haha).

I’ve talked to my therapist a lot about how I spent my childhood as the mediator of my family and the person who likes to help people, so I tend to be drawn to people who need help and not cutting loose when I realize it’s not a good fit because I over empathize (I’d much rather be hurt and just deal with it than hurt someone else). I have been working on having stronger boundaries and feeling confident that I can accept and feel comfortable with someone taking care of me right back. It’s a work in progress.

@Kate My mom was the opposite—I never saw her diet, she rarely wore makeup, etc. I’m not a 10 but since college I’ve been considered pretty conventionally attractive and I’d be lying if I said being so didn’t helped me in many areas of my life (even work). I guess when you remember how differently people treated you before you were that way (basically invisible), it’s a little scary to go back to it.

Man you are soooo right about the tanning… I promised myself it was the one stupid thing I’d do (I don’t drink very often and even then it’s not much, I don’t smoke, no drugs, no unsafe sex). I actually look like a very normal color for me if I wasn’t stuck in the office all day (like normal Mexican tan haha). I just wanted one summer of tan I swear, and was planning to stop for fall.

My dermatologist would kill me. I’m 31 and I do wear sunscreen everyday, do a vitamin C serum, and started my prescription retinoid again so I have to stop for that anyway. Also considering a light peel in the winter.

@Ktfran I’ll text you the name of my dermatologist, she’s in the Loop and is fantastic. She told me no for two years before finally agreeing once I laid out my concerns and that I really didn’t want to look different, just not as tired. It’s been taking some getting used to this time…almost like always having Novocain in my forehead. Day by day I notice it less. In pictures it looks great though, completely erased the fine lines on my forehead. If you guys have any specific questions about happy to answer them.

@Kate Logically I totally agree, emotionally it is absolutely about trying to control the only thing I can. Part of it is definitely cultural…being Latina and from California there’s a lot more pressure to keep up appearances as you get older.

Dating hiatus –I go on maybe one date a month, so I feel like I’m sort of already on one? I already DO focus on my friends, hobbies, travel, volunteering and work as I was never a person to let any of those go on the backburner when I was in a relationship. I’ve just always been super independent. So not dating doesn’t feel like leaving more room for my other interests (stress wise I can’t do more) it just feels like a whole section is missing since the rest of my life is totally the life I want.

Anyway thanks for letting me vent guys!!

@TheLadyE Thanks, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I am focusing on my friendships but it’s really hard when all my friends are married or in serious relationships, so I see them for happy hours, cooking, etc. every now and again but weekends everyone disappears now. And it’s not that I want to be out at bars, I just don’t want to be home alone Friday through Sunday. It gets very frustrating to be the one initiating a lot of the time (people have always seen me as the planner). My friends all assume I have a lot of friends and must have plans with someone.

@Kate: I think he sounds like a tool because she has brought up DTR 3 times, so she is very clearly wanting something more serious and he’s been putting her of on the hopes of finding something better. Sorry, but if you know the person you’re dating wants more than you want to give and would be super hurt to know you’re actively pursuing other folks, you’re probably not a good match. And I have to wonder if in those 3 DTR talks he was very explicit in saying “I’m not seeing anyone else but we’re not exclusive, I’m still open to meeting other people.” If he just said “I’m not seeing anyone else” he was saying what she wanted to hear and TECHNICALLY not lying. Anyway, I’m sure he’s not a terrible person but people that lead people on and/or aren’t totally honest when they person brings it up multiple times seem selfish.

@veritek33: So sorry to hear about your job! But hopefully you get a new job quickly an then just have that extra severance money for fun stuff :). Still a crazy stressful time so it’s awesome you are taking it out at the gym!! I’d be eating bagels.

@ktfran: Dating has been meh. Went on a date with a cop who was super nice but we could not have been less well matched if we tried. Among the things:
-He has never had even a sip of alcohol (not a dealbreaker, but a little weird to ask to meet at a bar then)
-He doesn’t curse except at work “because that’s what it takes with those people” and he literally counted how many times I had cursed over the course of the date…WTF
-Told me he’s very traditional and he’s a-ok being the breadwinner and supporting his wife (not that it matters but I almost certainly make more money than him)
-Said it’s “really hard right now to be a white man” because ALL companies ONLY want to hire minorities (…I’m a minority…and at this point I was appalled)
-That his job isn’t “fun” anymore because the media blows everything out of proportion and he “can’t really police anymore.” And thennnnnn I was ready to GTFO.

The guy that I dated who dumped me after three months finally came over and helped me with some stuff around the house last night (assembling furniture, etc.) which was super nice of him to offer to do. I was plotting to try to turn this into a fun FWB hookup but I was legitimately having such a good time I didn’t want to make it awkward and be like soooooo want to make out? He’s not at all the guy to do that either so we had a weird lingering goodbye at the door and I was kicking myself after. I did send him a thank you text and said I would have invited him to stay for a bit but it was late and we were both tired anyway (with heavy winky faces). So at least I’ve floated it in general terms that I’d be open to some fun at some point. But feeling good that we’re able to be friends/friendly. I could ha ve cut the sexual tension with a knife though.

@MaterialsGirl: You wedding pics were SO GORGEOUS. Not to be a weirdo but your wedding was so my dream wedding…didn’t you go to Yosemite after? Ugh I would love that.