kmtthat
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Oh I totally need to read that book!
I’m feeling pretty lonely lately. People always assume since I’m outgoing and am involved in a lot that I always have plans and have a ton of friends. Holidays are always the hardest for me, because at 31 almost every person I know is married/in a serious relationship and either doing couples things (and assumes I have more fun single people things to do) or aren’t doing anything and staying in just the two of them. This is exacerbated by the fact that I would normally spend 4th of July BBQing with my family, but I live 2,000 miles away from my family and have no one here.
I feel super awkward when people ask me what I’m doing for the holiday and I have to say “nothing yet.” They’re always really surprised and ask why I’m not going out or seeing the fireworks and then I have to explain that I honestly have no one to go with. I feel ok most of the time (like I went out all weekend with my best friend, who is heading out of town this weekend to see her bf) and people are just used to me being an organizer (like work happy hours every other week, etc.) so they assume someone else must have invited me to something. Just feeling deeply deeply lonely.
Guy that broke up with me two weeks ago keeps texting me random things (like about soccer and GOT). I think he just wants to be nice/feel like I don’t hate him. It’s all very odd, and I know it will fade out altogether pretty soon. He’s going to Cape Cod this weekend with friends. And I’ll be here on Tinder, drinking wine with my cat.
So Tinder so far has been…interesting. Might meet up with a super hot Argentinian guy next week for wine. I think I’m in the mental space to casually date people that are really good looking, not looking for anything serious, are respectful, and fun. Like single but not out at clubs hooking up with randoms.
The issue is that I feel like WAY more guys would get a great casual situation if they didn’t treat women like crap. Like no, don’t send me a pic of your d or ask me to come over at 2 am or start off trying to sext. Talk to me like a human, assume I’m a quality person.
The one casual situation that I had on and off for much of my 20s was amazing because a. we genuinely liked each other as people b. we knew were were super different and wouldn’t work for an actual relationship c. we always treated each other super respectfully…were happy to go on a nice date, make breakfast together in the morning, talk about things in our lives, never pursued the other while they were in a relationship etc. attraction etc. was super compatible d. if one of us started having feelings for the other or met someone else, we’d cut it off, no fuss. How is this so hard to find?
Hoping everyone has good dates this week!
Guys I starting using Tinder and OMG. Things are bleak out there. Out of hundreds of people swiped right on two and my (married of course) friends were shrieking the whole time that I was being way too picky. How picky are you guys on apps? The two guys matched so casually texting them both but I don’t know what to say it’s so odd.
@sararosie43 Truth is there is no right answer, go with your gut and do what you want to do. If it’s too much/isn’t enough then hes not a great match for you. For me, I agree with Kate the after date thank you text is pretty standard.
@ktfran Yeah, but my friend just pushed the wedding back to next September (the venue they want has some on going construction) so it’s not for a long time out anyway. He dropped off my earrings the other day and ended up helping me hang up the pictures he had offered to help with originally. He was over for an hour during which time we were totally fine, polite, having a good time, listening to music, joking…didn’t talk about things at all. He dropped me off where I was meeting friends and it was like ok…see you around. He finally brought up the letter and how he wanted to write it but didn’t kwo what he thought or felt and I told him I thought writing it was great for him, but I really didn’t need it. And that I thought there was nothing wrong with me or us, but he always is chasing the “perfect’ thing because he’ll never find it and he’ll never have to move forward with anyone (because he’s afraid). It was pretty brief.
I guess it’s nice to know when we do see each around (again, mutual friends so it will happen) we can get along. But it’s sort of a mind fuck that we get along so well and it’s just…not what he wants. Anyway…break from dating.
@TheLadyE Ughhhhhh I’m so sorry :(.
Just want to say thank you guys so much for the perspective! I’ve re-read what everyone write a few times. I haven’t heard anything more about this supposed “letter” so hoping he just didn’t do it. He texted me saying I left earrings at his place last week, so he’s dropping them off Saturday morning. I’m keeping things peaceful (as I mentioned we have mutual friends who are getting married and we will both be me in the wedding). I don’t feel mad, you just aren’t that into me. (Or really, I think he has no idea what he’s doing, but that’s his deal to work out). Either way, he missed out on what actually could have been a really good thing.
Hope everyone is having better luck out there!
A little update:: apparently he’s writing me a letter to “clear his head and to be clear with you [me]” and I told him I didn’t really want a list of reasons he doesn’t want to be with me. He said: “it’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just I don’t know what I want, and it’s unclear to me what we are or could be, at least now…and I feel like I need to figure that out first before I can commit to or with someone.” I didn’t respond and then he texted me at 4 am saying he was having a hard time writing.
This is all very…odd. We dated for three months, and the entire time he was very clear that he really liked me, didn’t want to screw it up, and wanted a relationship. It seems like as soon as he had other obligations and didn’t know how to prioritize things, he flipped out and ended it.
At this point I guess I’m getting a handwritten break up letter?
Said something was missing, and that when he was with me he was crazy about me but when he wasn’t…he wasn’t. And that we didn’t know what he wanted, or even what a relationship was, and that he wanted a girlfriend, but one he wanted to see all the time…it was very confusing. He said he didn’t want to drag it out because he doesn’t date causally and it wouldn’t be fair to me.
A week ago he was telling me we were in a relationship and that he really wanted me to meet his best friend who was in town. He was always VERY enthusiastic (telling me he really really liked me and was afraid to mess it up) so it’s…shocking. that and him crying the whole time I told him maybe he was making a mistake.
Our mutual friends who set us up are pissed, because he sort of led me on and then freaked out. His friend (my good friend’s fiance) has been friends with him since they were kids and just said he was an idiot and had always been a weird dude and that it definitely wasn’t me. Dude texted this guy saying he knew he’d hear about is so if he wanted to talk to get details to let him know, so they are going to talk today I guess. part of me is hoping mutual friend will yell at him (I’m sure he will do some version of WTF are thinking) and that he’l realize he’s making a mistake but I get that it’s not going to happen.
Just hard to deal with another disappointment so soon after the last one, and to have someone who was crazy about me suddenly just…decide he wasn’t.
Thanks guys. Just feeling super confused and really low. Also the first time someone ahs broken things off with me and cried the whole time. I give up.
So I got dumped last night. I was very caught off guard. Back to square one.
@shakeourtree Glad you met someone new who seems like a good fit! It’s always exciting to meet someone new and it’s like BAM chemistry. I feel like that doesn’t happen to me super often is it’s so awesome when it does.
Nothing new over here, dude cooked me a very cute dinner the other night and things are mellow and happy 🙂 Going to my friend’s bday party together tomorrow and I’m busy with last minute shopping for Inca Trail gear.
Have a good weekend guys!
@Lianne Yeah that’s about where I am. I’m actually glad for the two week break when I’m in Peru to just kind of take a step back and see how I feel about things. It’s been really great but super intense (not in that we are talking about the future or are seeing each other all the time…but just, it’s weird to meet someone you get along with so well and so easily).
I only talk to one of my exes and I’ve had really messy breakups (with several cheating on me or not being over me when it ended) so I actually am only friends with one ex and friendly with one ex FWB. I mean it’s easier for me to move on emotional when I cut someone out especially if things got toxic, but I still feel like I suck at relationships when it seems like a lot of people are friends with many/most of their exes. Thank god for therapy?
Also if anyone goes to San Diego let me know, I’m from there and can recommend a bunch of things!
I’m anti-gun and pro-vacation, have a blast Nookie!
@Stonegypsy Wow you guys seem so level-headed about the whole thing. That’s so fantastic!
My update…things are fine, dude had a little emotional breakdown about things going too fast…by which he later said he really likes me and is afraid we are going too fast and it’s going to ruin things and he’ll get hurt. I asked him how he wanted to slow things down and he was like no no I don’t. I chalk up to a long night of drinking and the fact that he doesn’t date much so he’s really nervous about everything. He’s profusely apologized and if I thought it was that he wasn’t actually into me, I’d be running out the door. I think he feels like he’s TOO into me given the relatively short amount of time. I was like “we’re fine, just don’t overthink things.” But now I’m kind of nervy.
Also, I leave for Peru in two weeks!
