ktfran
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Oh my gosh MoneyPenny, I did the same with the now husband. It was the first relationship where I wasn’t mentioning things to friends or family and I kept it on the down low for a while. I wanted to see how things progressed without outside noise, and how I truly felt.
I did mention a lot on here though. You all know more than almost anyone.
It totally does, and I’d say I had similar feelings when the husband and I first started dating. I always roll my eyes when LWs say that, or that they’re in the perfect relationship, but…” There’s always a but right, because no relationship is perfect.
I will say, I kind of did know I wanted to marry the husband early on. I was extremely cautious with him, as is evidenced on this thread, but I knew. The reason I knew wasn’t because of a connection or soul mates or whatever, it’s just that the relationship was fairly easy. He was intelligent, kind and witty. I didn’t spend hours upon hours fretting over where we stood or whatever like I had in the past. For the first time, I didn’t over analyze everything. I went with the flow. We fit into each others lives easily. It worked. So yeah, secure is the right word. And you’re right, there are things/flaws that I actively had to accept. I definitely didn’t idolize him or our relationship. I took more time to figure out how I felt. I liked how I felt. And so here we are.
Anyway, super happy for you MissDre! Another Awesome Date forum post success story in the works!!!
Totally agree with Kate. Even if we weren’t so lax about it, I could never live in a situation where things were like she described in the Joy Luck Club. I can’t even do that with friends. Oh, your meal was $7.59 extra? Yes, I’m still ok with splitting down the middle.
I think as long as you come to an agreement that works, I personally like the equitable based on income idea, and revisit that agreement if something changes or isn’t working, than you’ll be A-OK.
So, the husband and I are way more lax about splitting expenses than just about every one who has responded… but this is what we do…
We bought a place (his name because of some of my debt) and moved in together after we got engaged. He pays all the bills (mortgage, insurance, cable, gas, electric) and I give him money for the same amount that my rent use to be. He’s paying more by probably a grand, but it’s still several hundred less than when he rented.
I buy most groceries, household needs (detergent, soap, paper products, shampoo, etc.) and pay for our cleaning person.
When we go out, he picks up most bills but I occasionally help. Same with travel expenses.
So, I guess I’m really making out in this situation. He doesn’t care because he thinks of it as our money. We check in regularly to make sure what we’re doing is ok. As an aside, he makes quite a bit more than me.
Maybe that’s ass backwards, but it works and we don’t have fights or argue about it. I try to pay more, but he likes to, so I’m cool with it.
Well, I definitely wasn’t saying to plan it now. All I was saying is it doesn’t hurt to casually mention it in conversation to at least know what type of wedding you’d both want… especially since he mentioned a Hindu wedding and an engagement is likely imminent.
I personally think it would suck to have an idea in your head, whether it a courthouse, a simple wedding, a big affair, or a destination wedding and come to find out your fiance or his family had something else in mind. That could lead to a lot of frustration to what is supposed to be a fun time. But if you’re comfortable with going with the flow and dealing with whatever comes your way, you do you.
Good point Portia. No need to figure out all the details. I’m really talking about the larger ideas as you said. For instance, the husband and I both decided that we wanted an immediate family only ceremony and a party with everyone else before we were engaged. And that I wanted to spend money on a photographer. But how we executed our vision was decided after we got engaged.
It’s good that you don’t care, but even the large vs. small and managing family expectations is worth a discussion. Like, you don’t have to have it settled prior to an engagement, but casually bringing these kinds of things up in conversation isn’t the worst idea ever, and at best, you won’t be blindsided during the planning.
This goes with lots of things about spending your life together, not just the wedding.
Ooh, MissDre… it’s worth having those discussions now and be on the same page. It’s definitely ok since an engagement and marriage have been discussed.
Wedding planning is stressful. I had a super low key wedding and we were on the same page from the get go and it was still stressful! Start talking about it early so you’re not thrown for a loop in the midst of planning.
Also, I wouldn’t make a nickname for someone that I wouldn’t say to his or her face. I use to nickname men that my friend’s were dating, but it was always something I would say to the dude’s face. So it was fun and lighthearted.
My BIL’s Orthodox Jewish family members wouldn’t come to his and my sister’s wedding because she wasn’t Jewish. They even had kosher meals at the wedding and bought separate silverware, etc. in case those members came. They didn’t. They don’t recognize my nephew as Jewish either, because again, she’s not.
The Quaker thing is so interesting!
That’s fun Copa!!!!
hfantods, I know last week on a forum thread there was talk about an athiest with a christian and how it might be hard with kids, etc… but I do think differing views in regard to religion, or lack thereof, can be ok as long as there is open, honest discussions. For instance, my family is Catholic. My sisters and I went to Catholic grade school and we went to church nearly every Sunday. Out of all my sisters, I’d say I’m the most “religious” and I’m not even that religious. The middle sister married a practicing jewish man. They had A LOT of talks about their children and what part religion would play a role. Their decision, children will be raised jewish and will also get to participate in the secular holiday traditions my sister enjoys, but those traditions can’t have any christian/catholic aspects attached. For instance, they don’t join the family for Christmas Eve mass, or Easter Sunday mass. But they can do the Easter Bunny thing. Also, even though her husband follows a lot of the jewish dietary guidelines, she got him to agree that their children can eat pork! My family considers that a win. Anyway. I think with conversations and a willingness to compromise, it can work. Now, if there is no middle ground, it will be harder. Def something to have a conversation about though.
Hizzy, fun! So many people have ideas about how weddings “should be” that it’s hard for them to picture something different until they’re actually experiencing it. I bet that’s the case with your Grandma.
Also, it’s funny that I mentioned Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy. Shortly after I wrote that, I read that Meghan Markle liked her wedding gown too.
