sissisk8
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” If anything, he’s going to bide his time until you actually HAVE to leave to start the semester.”
I’m already in my hometown. I’ve moved back here and he’s here now looking for apartments for us but he doesn’t want to do a 12-month lease so we can’t find anything.
“There’s a way to tell your partner “hey, I want you to prioritize your health because I love you.” and that was NOT the way. He’s a jerk and you deserve better.”
To be fair to him, he did tell me a few times before, but it’s so strongly embedded in me that I’m worthless because of my weight that I couldn’t hear it. I’ve finally come to see it differently and to want to change for my health, but he’s not really hearing it.
“Stop forcing this and giving him alternatives. This is over for him, he just doesn’t have the balls to admit it yet.”
I had enough at some point last week before he arrived and at the time I felt it and said I’m breaking up with you but he didn’t really take it seriously and I didn’t really want it to end so it’s like I didn’t say it.
Can somebody tell me what LW and MOA means?
“LW, you need to take back your power. You do have it, you know – the power to break up with him. The power to make the decision to leave and go back to school because YOU want to. ”
I’m sitting here in bed reading your responses and I’m crying, because I know that for my sake and his too honestly, we’re better off apart, but every time I think of breaking up, I fall apart. I have many reasons for not wanting to break-up and I know some of them are bullshit reasons that don’t justify staying together.
1. I have made him my whole life for the last two years. It’s been about loving him and putting him first and I’ve put my friends and family on hold.I don’t know who I am anymore without him. When I think of breaking up, I think that I’m losing my best friend because that’s what he’s become and I think that it feels like I’m losing both my legs at once. If feels like I wouldn’t know how to function without seeing him smile, holding him and talking to him because he’s always there to listen to me when I need him. I feel like I’ll feel empty.
1. a) This had nothing to do with him. In fact, it was there before I met him, but I’ve always had enormous self-esteem issues because of my weight (I was at my skinniest when I met him) and that’s extended to thinking people don’t like me because and that turned into having a lot of difficulty trusting people and making friends. My Dad is always in my birth country and never around, I love my Mom but we fight a lot, my best friend answer me twice a week because she’s busy with her kids and husband and my other very close friend is moving in 6 months. I’ve always been fragile and thinking I was alone in my personal relationships and my boyfriend has been a best friend and a lifeline. I know this is a huge problem that I have to work on by myself and that nobody should be my lifeline. Like, I’m all around a nice girl and great friend, but I’m always afraid people won’t see that or mock me.
1. b) This one stems from the self-esteem issues I just described. He says the weight bothers him, but he still fucks me. What if the next guy I date is disgusted when he sees me naked? I’m not that fat and I have an objectively beautiful face and some curves, but I’m far from having a perfect body and it really, really terrifies me. I had these fears before I met him too and despite sending my fair share of nudes to guys (never with the face of course), I was never that confident. I’ve read so many things on the internet about guys hating this and that about a girl’s body and heard so many horror stories from people.
2. Being alone. I love being held and sleeping with him. It makes my brain feel good and I know it’s attachment hormones, but it’s hard to think of not having it.
3. Sex. I love sex. He was my first and to some people it might seem shallow but it’s a thing I’ll miss immensely. I don’t want to have sex with random people and that means probably no sex for a long time. I can take care of myself for sure, but hey it’s not the same thing.
4. Letting go of the dream of us. For the longest time we talked of marriage and kids, and now it has al come crashing down. I’ve wanted that life we talked of.
5. Missing him. I love him. I’ll miss our talks, our laughs, watching shows, being happy together.Ha, I’m crying again.
I’m really thankful for all the feedback I’ve received. It’s really helped me see things through the eyes of people who aren’t involved.
If I read this sort of situation about someone else, I would tell the person to GTFO and give the exact same advice.
“But I see you falling into the trap of, oh, he has a disability, wouldn’t I be a bad person if I left him, this isn’t his fault, underneath the disability he’s a wonderful guy, etc.”
Honestly, yes, I do feel this way. I feel like I fell in love with him without knowing all of this (although I did fin it odd that we could only talk Thursday and Sunday nights at 12:30 at first (we met on a chat), I just thought he had a very busy life) and as the personality traits became clear, I found them hard to deal with but then there was all he sex, cuddles and nights of fun and laughs to sweeten it all up.
“You’re part of his routine and security blanket, *as long as you stick around on his terms”
Part of me thinks this too, but now he’s saying “Okay look not a year-lease, but maybe I can do 10 months, we do this rent-by-the-month place until August or September and then we sign those 8 months lease for students that some landlords do?” I was happy when he said that, but he’s been bouncing around so much with his fears, that most of me doesn’t trust it. I’ve told him I would make a change about my health, not by being crazy about losing weight, but by just exercising more because it’s good for me (I already eat a healthy diet) and the weight loss would eventually ensue. I told him that he could go see his parents often, and that the rest of his worries about compatibility are absolutely normal to have but that it’s why you have to keep working at your relationship and develop interests together. I’ve told him all this and then he feels better for a while, but then sometime later he gets distant and reluctant again and says “but I’m just so worried, what if nothing changes, what if we don’t work out?” to which I always answer “if you keep us in this state, not knowing where we stand, not letting us be worry free and back to normal, we obviously will never work out because you’re tearing us apart right now and you’re toying with me”.
“You will also come to think of him as a selfish person”
I already think of him as selfish. On numerous occasions, he asks me to do something for him and in the moment I really don’t wish to do it, but I do because I know he needs it and then hours or days later something similar comes up for me and he says no. “But it was different” “You weren’t tired, I think you can handle being tired better than me”.
“If you leave him, you’re not missing out on “the one.” There’s never just one, and in any case you deserve someone who loves you.”
For the longest time, I thought he was the one when we spoke or our future children’s names and our future life in the US.
” nor would it change the fact that he holds you in such low regard that he’d ask you to give up YOUR EDUCATION and your youth so that he never has to make the smallest compromise”
This is one thing I forgot to address earlier. When I point out that I put my whole life inhaled for him and most importantly my education he says “yes, but at the same time you didn’t like your degree and weren’t sure you wanted to continue and you were so sad missing me that at the time you preferred doing that”. And you know, those are true in some way, but if I hadn’t known him at all I would have stayed and continued it or switched to something else, whatever it may be, or stopped to work a bit, but it would have been for me entirely, not for him and he doesn’t see that I think. Either that or he’s being defensive around it.
“And again, I’ll point out that he was able to overcome his condition when it was for something that’s important to him. He left his parents and went to a whole new city. He CAN do it. He just doesn’t want to.”
He hated every second of being in Toronto and went to his parents every chance he got.
Gosh, I have so much to say.
To end my very long answers, I’ll add the following.
Part of the NLD is that he also gets bad anxiety about things (he’s got bad ticks and such). There’s reasons why he’s hesitating so much:
1) What if I miss my parents and Sudbury way too much?
2) What if we’re too different and our interests too diverse? Sometimes I feel like talking politics with my partner, but you hardly seems interested most of the time, but then I tell myself I can get that elsewhere, you know, but it makes me doubt our compatibility and that scares me.
3) The weight issue. You were slimmer when we met and I still love you, and I feel like an ass for saying this in a way, but it really does bother me. You’re not healthy and you never exercise. I’m really afraid that won’t change.
4) What if my feeling for you just change? I can’t be sure what I’ll want in the future.Tonight I told him “You love me and want to be with me, but your need for being with your parents and comfort is stronger, so why not just end it?”. He said he didn’t want to end it, that he wants to try to come here and be with be, but he’s not confident enough to sign a year lease right now, that he feels he needs more time.
Rightfully, after reading my description of him, a lot of people will think that it must be hard to be in a relationship with him, but if I compose with all of this it’s because he’s a sweet-heart and he’s got a heart of gold.
I don’t know if all of this makes you understand my situation better.
I’m making a separate reply for this because it will take up enough space and I didn’t wanna make the other answer too long.
“He might just be spoiled and entitled. Religious conservative is possible but would his parents have let his girlfriend move in for the summer?”
Let’s start by getting this out of the way. He’s not religious at all, me neither and his parents either. I’m not going to provide details, because honestly it’d be shitty of me in case anybody would recognize her, but his Mom has done far from conservative things and the way his parents came to be a couple also is.
“Plus, I just don’t buy it that he’ll be too miserable away from his family. He certainly seemed fine with it when it was to his own benefit.”
“And oh yeah, even your appartment would not be good enough for him, wtf? That’s just an excuse.”
“He might just be spoiled and entitled. Religious conservative is possible but would his parents have let his girlfriend move in for the summer?”I’ve said this in one of my original answers, but I don’t think this disorder is known by many people and I also don’t know if many of you simply didn’t read that part, but he has this thing called Non-Verbal Learning Disability. It’s on the spectrum I think, although don’t quote me on that, and it’s similar to Asperger’s Syndrome but it’s also different. This is a definition: ” Since it affects everyone differently, NLD can manifest in social relationships, motor skills, daily routines — or all of the above.” I’ll list some symptoms that he gets that I found on a website that explains it : a) anxious in social situations b) trouble reading maps or interpreting charts c) a “homebody;” little interest in exploring the world or doing new things d) trouble dealing with change or unexpected setbacks e) may develop an inflexible routine for waking up, going to the store, or other common tasks, becoming upset if the routine is interrupted f) struggles to do two things at once; tunes out spouse’s voice while driving, for instance g) trouble planning tasks; often misses deadlines.
He’s not the one who told me about this, it was his Mom and every time it’s brought up he gets upset because he doesn’t really believe he has it. I don’t know how much of it is entitlement and how much of it is the NLD, so if I sound like I’m making excuses, it’s because of that; I’m not sure if it’s in his power to change or not. A few examples of everyday life: he gets enormously upset if he eats after what he calls his time, if he falls asleep at night and eats later he becomes enraged because he’s supposed to eat then and he fucked up his routine, he brushes his teeth and pees at the same time every day (yes, all his pees are planned out and if he feels he has to pee before, he’ll wait). There’s so many, but he basically does everything in the same order every day and he doesn’t like to change it. By the time I had discovered all of his eccentricities, I had already moved in with him and I never thought, maybe naively, that it would stop him from wanting to move with me because he kept raving about how cool Montreal is.
For instance, last summer I accompanied him to this conference. He was set up to stay in this residence, but he got there and he hated it so much that we only stayed there one night and got a hotel for the length of the conference because he was completely freaking out. The room was fine and I would have stayed in it and so would most people, but he simply couldn’t.
Ok. Wow. I wasn’t expecting such a response and at first I was getting emails when I got a reply and then they stopped so I just thought my post was at the bottom of the page and not getting attention or something.
I can’t reply to all the new replies, but I took some sentences that I think sum up what everybody said.
First, I want to start with the person who said this “My best guess is A – Montreal, B – Toronto, and C – Sudbury.” Yes. That’s exactly it. I was impressed when I read it, but hey I guess that as you say there’s not that many big cities in Canada to begin with. I don’t know if you know Sudbury at all, but as someone who comes from Montreal, it’s an incredibly hard adjustment.
Secondly,
“Also. Never interrupt your goals and your future for a boyfriend. If he’s worth having he will support you in furthering your future.”
“In general, it’s a very bad idea to drop out of college to work part-time to be with a guy.”Yep. Everybody told me this, and now I realize I should have listened. When he proposed this to me, all those nights of longing being with him and wishing I was with him is what ultimately made me take the decision, because at first I was rational and was like “no, I was school, you have school, this doesn’t make sense”.
Thirdly,
“She said the arrangement covered 3 years total, with 1.5 of those being in his city, which would leave 1.5 in her city. ”
“You don’t say anything about what you planned to do after you graduated if he did move with you while you finished school. That long term issue seems more important than whether he will keep his promise and move with you while you go to school or no.”So, in reality, I have 1.5 years, but I left school to move with him after the fall semester, and some of the classes I need to take that are pre-requisites for others are only given in the winter, so normally I would have had to come back for the winter semester, but I didn’t because we had to stay a semester more in Toronto than originally planned so I got kicked out of my program and I had to re-apply (which I wasn’t very nervous about because I had an 80 average) and now I’m going back this fall. Because of this, I’m not going to be able to do some courses that are only given in the winter so I have to elongate my curriculum of a year probably and be part-time at first. This wasn’t planned though because at first we were supposed to go back within 1 year and not 1.5 years, and even then it was a 3-year move to Montreal because I was also planning to do a certificate to specialize in a topic I love after the undergraduate, but I don’t know if I want that anymore. As for after graduation, as someone said, there’s not that many PhD jobs in Sudbury (although they do love an alma mater), so he always planned to move to the US to establish his career there and if we were still together then, I thought I’d follow him because I’ve always loved the US.
Kate:
I know that logically it’s not, but somehow it feels like I’m not good enough for him to love me enough to move.
Essie:
Ugh. I know.
“If he wanted you more, he’d move. It’s really that simple.”
That just hurts SO much, because I did it and now he’s not willing to keep his promise. I can’t describe how much it hurts.
I’m afraid to end it and then pathetically hope that he realizes he wants to be with me and comes back running.
Kate:
“But you know this isn’t how a guy acts when he is invested in the future of the relationship and wants to be with you.”
It’s not? I don’t know. This is my first long-term relationship. I only had another boyfriend before for one month and I don’t remember his last name or why I ended it.
“Did you ever finish your degree?”
No, I’m enrolled to start in August again. I’m not super passionate about it, but there’s a lot of jobs in that field and it’s a degree to fall back onto so I don’t end up like my Mom who struggles with only an high school diploma.
Fyodor:
I said I found it gross, not because it was relevant to the situation right now, but more in the future. Right now, I can’t move to his town because I don’t have a driver’s license, I don’t have a car, living in his town costs more than living in mine, the bus system there sucks, they don’t offer my program at the university they have there, and, most importantly, it costs twice as much to study in his province (Canadian here). So, if I moved there, it would cost me more, I would have to chose another program and I would either be completely dependant on him driving me places or I’d have to take the shit bus all the time (until I get my license that is, but that’s like a year here).
We as individuals work together well, but the rest doesn’t. It’s just, how do you let that go? That great guy with a great heart that you work so well with?
I’ve said “I’m breaking up” in desperation at a moment when I saw no other solution, but neither of us really took it seriously.
We should break-up, but we love each other, so what? We break-up, cry a lot and then talk every day because our feelings haven’t changed we just don’t work?
I’m really sad, but I’m also extremely pissed. If I had known of his aversion to move, I would have never gotten so committed and so attached.
Can you reply to people directly ?
Kate:
I think you’re right.
I think it’d be more simple if we just had a clean break now, but then a little voice goes off in my head that says “what if he’s just really, really scared and it could work out, he’s it and I didn’t see it through?”. I think that because he has an extremely anxious personality that comes from this condition called non-verbal learning disability disorder (although he would never admit it, he never wants to talk about his diagnosis).
It’s just so f*ck*ng hard because when we’re together it flows: we talk, we laugh, we kiss, we have amazing sex, we just have an amazing time all around and being in each other’s arms feels so good.
