Skyblossom
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I think there is a huge difference between a ring she doesn’t wear and an engagement ring she doesn’t wear. The second is much more personal and meaningful than the first. An engagement ring isn’t just another piece of jewelry. It is a symbol of a promise. A commitment to spend a life together and the ring is the public symbol of that promise. It in no way is just a piece of jewelry that isn’t worn anymore. It has a monetary value but its value is much more than that. Its value is emotional and symbolic.
If you think that her diamond could so easily be replaced why do you need it? It could just as easily be you who gets a different diamond rather than your mom. This isn’t about buying something. You are wanting to buy something that isn’t for sale. Why do you think you need her diamond but she doesn’t. Why would it have more emotional value to you than to her? Why is it the only diamond that will do for you but could be replaced with another diamond for her?
At the most you could ask if there is any heirloom jewelry that could be used to make an engagement ring for you. Heirloom is usually considered to be something that belonged to someone who has died. You are skipping ahead to wanting something that belongs to someone who is alive and whose marriage is too. It would even be different if your dad had died and your mom had remarried but that hasn’t happened.
Do you have any siblings? If you do then this involves them also.
I think you need to spend more time thinking about finding a ring that is meaningful to both you and your boyfriend. Something that says your relationship is sold and will last forever. Something that suits both of you and your personalities. I know a couple that designed their own rings and they matched. They looked nothing like the typical engagement or wedding ring. The only thing that would give away that they were wedding rings were the fingers they wore them on. Think about what would make rings special to you and your soon to be fiance.
When you respect someone you respect their things.
When your mom tells you that all of her jewelry goes to you when she dies she means exactly that, when she dies. Until then it is hers and she intends for it to remain hers. If she intended for you to have any of it sooner she’d be saying something different. Respect your mom and dad enough to respect their marriage and the symbols of their marriage.
Your relationship sounds fun by superficial. I can’t imagine seeing someone for a year and not having conversations about where it is going. A couple that is going to be together for the long term is talking about the long term even if they don’t intend to be married for some time. Those conversations should happen easily and just happen from time to time. In the same way that he talks about going on vacations together and planning something together couples talk about the future together.
He plans vacations and invites you to go but he isn’t asking you where you would like to go. He’s glad to have you come along to do what he wants to do if that works for you but he is very happy to go alone if it doesn’t work for you. His life works for him as it is and having you waiting at home is a bonus but not the essential part of his life. The trips take precedence over seeing and spending time with you. That is who he is and how he will be.
You seem to be the superficial, fun girlfriend waiting for him to show up when he feels like it. If you ask for more I think the two of you will be done because his actions show that the travel is the priority and joy in his life. When his friends and family feel the need to push him in your direction it is because they realize he isn’t moving there on his own. He is in his 50s. Assume that he knows what he wants and is going after it.
Just because you want it doesn’t mean you should ask for it. I think this is a situation where you wait and see if anything is offered.
I have an engagement ring and a wedding ring. They are the symbol of our wedding and our commitment not my daughter’s future wedding and commitment. In general, when you get an heirloom ring it comes from someone who has died or it could come from someone whose marriage has ended in divorce. It doesn’t come from a marriage that still exists. In many ways asking for the ring would be the opposite of honoring your parent’s marriage. It would be taking the symbol of their marriage and remaking it into the symbol of your marriage as if their marriage no longer existed. While their marriage exists it is the symbol of their marriage and their promises to each other. While you want something sentimental you don’t seem to understand the sentiment that the ring represents.
Unless your mom has at some point indicated that she would like you to have her engagement ring as your own you don’t ask for it. It isn’t yours and it is both presumptuous and rude to think of it as yours or to ask for it. It belongs to your mom. Maybe she doesn’t wear it because she is afraid it will be lost. Whatever her reason it is her reason and her ring. If she offers it is a totally different situation but you shouldn’t ask.
Yes. Thank you!
I don’t think that this was a pile on. Just lots of different people who had the same reaction. It seemed that he didn’t get the situation and it was serious enough to warrant a strong reply. To pat him on the head and say sure go ahead and go to the wedding and deal with the BS from your wife when you get back wasn’t going to work. His wife’s response wasn’t unreasonable and it wasn’t BS. The intent was to help him and his wife and their marriage. Many women on this forum have experienced childbirth and we know how unpredictable it is and we shared that information. The LW didn’t start by expressing sadness at missing his brother’s wedding. It was just about how unreasonable his wife was and how he could easily get back in time if she did go into labor. He seemed to be willfully ignorant and to be downplaying the distance in an unreasonable way. Maybe he was repeating what his older brother had been saying, maybe, who knows. He was obviously receiving manipulation from his older brother. Why else buy a ticket when the decision to go hadn’t yet happened. The older brother wanted the decision to go in one way and so he introduced the ticket into the situation to push it a certain direction. The older brother should never be allowed to place himself in their decision making. The older brother should stay out of their marriage. I still question whether the older brother dislikes the wife and wants to cause problems in the marriage.
So why post? Because you were angry and felt she was unreasonable for asking you to stay. You were looking for validation to go.
You don’t seem to have empathy for your wife because you considered her unreasonable in wanting you to stay home and didn’t make any mention of seeing why she would want you to stay. The only 2.5 hours from home made you look like the unreasonable one who was just grasping for an excuse to go.
I’m glad for the sake of you, your wife and your baby that you are planning to stay home. Conflicts happen and you have to prioritize. Life isn’t always fair when you have to make choices.
It definitely happens and they really do run, as in sprint. If they decided the baby needs to be moved to a different hospital the mother can’t go until discharged and so it is the father that goes on to the next hospital and is there as the parent and guardian of the baby for one to two days before the mother can join them. It happened to my daughter’s elementary school principal and his wife. The baby was having trouble breathing and needed to be rushed to a different hospital. With our friends the baby was blue and not pinking up because he had a heart defect.
@Tom One other thing to keep in mind. If the baby is born with something seriously wrong and a medical team grabs the baby and runs through the hospital with it the father is the parent that runs through the halls with that team and his baby. He is there for the testing and he is there to sign permission for procedures for his baby. The mother of the baby is still laying there being sewn up and packed in ice. She is in no shape to run through the hospital with the team caring for the baby. It happens. It happened to very good friends of ours. Some birth defects or problems aren’t obvious before birth. If the father isn’t there then someone must go back to the mother’s room each time they need permission and time is wasted each time that happens.
You need to own this decision. This is a decision that you are making. You aren’t getting or not getting your wife’s permission. She has told you her opinion of what she wants you to do but the decision is yours. You will either make a decision and go or you will make a decision and stay. Don’t act like your wife is making your decision. Your posts made you sound like a whiny baby who is controlled by his wife and his older brother. Make a decision and own it as your decision.
