Skyblossom
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Your son chose his friends. People choose friends who are like them. They choose friends who do the things that they want to do. This is who your son is. He’s an abusive man who is sometimes suicidal. He’s a man who chooses to do illegal things and to hang out with other men who aren’t nice.
You need to quit mentioning DNA tests to your son. I realize you are now trying to prove your son isn’t the father but you would be further ahead to leave it alone. When your son brings up the idea of visitation you need to keep mentioning that he would have to go to court to get visitation and add that you don’t have any money for lawyers.
The only way your son is going to be a better man is if he decides to be better. Then he has to do the hard work of getting sober and he has to get a job which won’t be easy. He has to make himself into a decent man. Get him into counseling if you can. I’m guessing he has a lot of demons from his childhood that he needs to work through.
I had to come back and add to my previous post because I’m feeling sad for your daughter. If you teach materialism as you are your daughter will be picking friends based on what they own but not on character. She will consider things more important than the person who owns them. Girls especially find middle school and high school difficult when their friends are all judging them and choosing them based on what they own. You daughter needs to make real friends. Friends who have similar interests that aren’t based on owning the most in things. She needs friends who value her for who she is. When she gets to Kindergarten in a year she needs to start making friends based on common interests and passions. She needs friends who will value her and stand by her because they are true friends not kids who like her as long as she owns all the right stuff and who would be willing to dump her if someone with better stuff comes along.
My daughter is 18 and is a senior in high school. She made her longest term friend when she was 4. They are still best friends but they have continued to add new friends to their group. They come from a range of incomes but every one of them is a quality friend. They don’t do drama so if someone tries to bring drama into the group that someone is out. Middle school and high school were easy years because the friends were good friends. The decisions you make now will determine whether your daughter spends her years surrounded by girls who are more frenemies who try to outdo each other with their consumer items or whether she has long term, solid, happy friendships. You will do your daughter a huge favor if you quit emphasizing things and start emphasizing character.
It makes me sad that you are teaching your four-year-old to be so materialistic. The trouble with materialism is that you can never have it all and it leaves people feeling like there is a hole in their life with whatever is missing. Please don’t do that to your daughter. Please don’t teach her to chase happiness in material things. You will be setting her up for a lifetime of unhappiness.
Every time she says she got a fake present you need to say it was a real present. A present is a gift that was given to you and the toy she received was a gift that was given to her. It might not be an actual Lol doll car but she is having fun playing with it so what difference does it make? Each time she says it is fake you need to say it is a real present and you are having fun with it aren’t you? Your aunt picked the right thing.
What you really want to do is have your daughter thank her aunt for the fake present because you want the satisfaction of having your daughter insult her aunt. Don’t put a child in the middle of a family feud. Good parents don’t do that. It is better for your daughter if she has a good relationship with this aunt.
Have you told your son that he has to get his life in order before he can think about meeting this girl? Are you afraid that if you tell him that he will explode in anger?
You need to protect this girl. You owe her that much even if you haven’t met her. She deserves protection. A paternity test won’t protect her. You need to keep your son away from her. You need to push your son to get therapy. If necessary you may need to ask the mother of the girl to get a restraining order against your son.
Your son is not a legal father and may only be the uncle. Your son has no rights to this child and will only have rights if he goes to court to get them. I doubt he has the money to do that and you definitely shouldn’t provide any money to do that.
Identigene says that if there are two related possible fathers you need to let them (identigene) know. If you didn’t do that I think you can assume your daughter and the possible father are biologically related but you can’t assume he is the father. You would need to talk to a lawyer and perhaps a geneticist to figure that out for sure.
I think you need to cut all contact. Block the possible father in all ways. If you receive a call or message from him don’t reply. You have no obligation to him. You have no obligation to reply to him in any way. You do have an obligation to your daughter. You need to keep her safe. Your job is to protect her. If he isn’t good for her don’t include him in her life. Don’t send him any more photos. I doubt that a guy who has serious legal problems would try to take you to court for paternity rights.
Maybe she did a search for this situation and Dear Wendy came up because it is the same. At least she doesn’t see the child as the one who will save the dad.
LW if you are indeed the mother of the child the probable dad would have to go to court to get any kind of legal rights to the child. Even in a situation where a child has had two legal parents from birth one cannot take the child out of state to live without the permission of the other. A man under house arrest cannot show up to take your daughter and you have no obligation to take her for a visit. You are under no obligation to share your address with him. If you have already shared your address don’t share it again after your next move. It is hard to find someone if you don’t know where they live. I’d stop all contact. Your priority and obligation is the welfare of your daughter.
If you want another test you could both sign up for a site like Ancestry. It would determine whether the relationship was uncle/child or father child. I don’t think I’d do it if you want him out of your life. I think you best bet is to disappear. He can’t get his act together enough to do anything legally.
What testing company did you use? We could look it up and see what kind of test it runs.
It’s true that a lot of guys date women who are younger than them but it’s usually only a few years difference. The fact that he had to lie about his age shows that the age difference is more than usual and more than most young women want. If the age difference were standard he wouldn’t need to lie.
I think it is easier for a guy his age to impress a young woman than one his own age. The young woman will compare him to the guys her own age who are still in school, working part time jobs and living with parents during the summer when school isn’t in session. This guy is established. He has a real career with a real income and his own place. A woman his own age isn’t going to be as impressed. She’ll be comparing him to her own career and income and to that of others she knows and he won’t seem so accomplished. It isn’t that he has no accomplishments it’s that he won’t stand out so much when compared to his peers.
I’d consider the lying a red flag. It means he can’t get a date if he is honest so he takes that information away from the woman so she makes her decision based on a lie.
That said, there is nothing you can do about it.
For all those who think an age gap doesn’t matter when you are older it does when the older partner reaches retirement age and the younger partner isn’t close. They are then leading very different lives. Men tend to have shorter lives than women anyway and more health problems at at a younger age so a woman who is considerably younger than her husband ends up working while he is retired and then he tends to have more and more serious health problems and by the time she retires he is often unable to do the fun things that younger retirees do.
The yelling about talking to a friend and the social media demands are both red flags. It would be okay to ask you, with a nice voice, if you could call her back when the two of you weren’t eating together. It would be your choice whether you continued the call or not.
Demanding the social media post is his way of trying to put his stamp on you. He is demanding that you announce to the world that the two of you are together. He wants to make sure all the guys know you are taken. I personally don’t care whether my husband posts pictures of me on Facebook or not. I have nothing to prove to anyone. Your boyfriend sounds possessive and controlling. Neither is good for you.
Abusive people get married because they manage to be nice most of the time but the signs are there if you are watching.
You say you are in a class together so see if you can meet up on campus. You don’t need to drive to where she lives. See if she would like to meet for coffee after class or after her classes are done for the day or meet to get something to eat before she drives home or maybe meet for breakfast or lunch on campus.
If she is keeping up a wall between herself and you then the answer is obvious, she doesn’t want to see you. Is there really a wall between you? What do you mean by a wall? In my experience women put up a wall because they really don’t want to be with someone. If you have to weaken a wall you shouldn’t bother.
If there isn’t a wall up between you then ask her out to do something casual.
Want to walk down to X?
I’m hungry. Do you want to grab a burger with me?
Do you want to grab some coffee?You don’t need to tell her that you want to get to know her. If you are asking her to spend time doing something with you that goes without saying but if she isn’t interested it becomes very awkward. Women especially feel like they can’t hurt your feelings so if you tell her you want to get to know her it puts her on the spot in a very uncomfortable way. She may feel like she has to say yes even if she wants to say no and then she will try to figure out how to avoid you without telling you that she is avoiding you.
The better thing is to ask if she would like to do something. If she says yes it means she would like to spend a little time with you. I don’t think it goes well when you try to start a relationship by saying I like you. Give her the chance to get to know you. If she needs time to get to know you to decide if she would like to date you then you do that by doing some things casually. If she enjoys the time she will keep saying yes and if she doesn’t she will start saying no.
Does she manage to hang around you? Does she just seem to end up where you are? If yes she may like you. If not then she probably doesn’t.
It’s pretty easy to ask someone out. Say something like want to get some pizza/a burger/coffee. Then see what she says. You don’t need to call it a date. Just see if she wants to do something. If she says yes see how it goes. If she says no you have your answer without putting yourself on the line. It’s the asking that helps you to figure out what’s in her head. If you don’t ask you won’t know. There is only a puzzle if you don’t ask. If she says no don’t ask again.
