“When Should I Tell Dates I Never Want to Live With Them?”
Meeting people isn’t a problem, but I’ve realized I’d love to meet someone similar to me, who either has kids or doesn’t want them, who loves their life, and who is seeking a meaningful connection without the expectation of living together – like, ever. It seems like everyone I meet wants to live with someone, start a new family, and make that kind of commitment, but I have no desire to bring someone new into my kids’ lives and I am not looking for a blended family. I also don’t want to spend all of my free time with that person when the kids are away. Ideally, I would see this person once or twice a week. But I do want more than just a physical relationship – I want commitment, companionship, and connection with one person.
My question for you is: How do I approach discussing all of this when I meet someone? Should I say it upfront? Is what I’m looking for even a thing? Do you have any other tips for me? Thank you. — Looking for More than a Fling, But Don’t Want a Ring
Congratulations! You have one of the better problems of anyone who’s written to me for advice. By your account, you’re in a great place in life with a lot going for you, including enjoying your own company a lot, which is a secret power that is under-appreciated in our society. And what you’re looking for isn’t all that unique; I bet it will come as a relief to potential companions that you don’t want to share a life with someone so much as share a connection and commitment. My late father-in-law had such a relationship with his long-term lady friend, whom he began dating years after his wife – my mother-in-law – passed away when their kids were still young. He and his lady friend lived an hour apart and spent weekends together, alternating between her house in the suburbs and his place in Manhattan. This went on for like 25 years, and I always thought that if I found myself single again one day, this would be the kind of arrangement I would like to have, too.
So how do you go about having this kind of relationship? Well, you go about it just as you did when you were single before and looking for a committed relationship. At some point when you met your now ex-husband, you had a discussion about where you saw the relationship going, right? You probably discussed what you each wanted in a partnership, what your long-term goals were, and whether you were a fit for each other. Maybe you began discussing these things in a casual way on early dates even. It would be the same for you this time. Maybe on a first or second date, you might say something like “I don’t see myself ever marrying or living with a partner again.” And just like when you were single before and dating, if there’s continued interest after sharing a potential deal-breaking statement, there will be follow-up questions and discussions. You will quickly know whether the other person wants to pursue a relationship or not.
Any kind of dating is a numbers game. The more people you meet and the more dates you go on, the better your chance at finding a match. What you’re looking for at this point in your life is different than it was when you were dating your now ex-husband, but the way you go about finding a companion isn’t different. You already know the deal. You don’t need to over-complicate it or over-think it. You meet someone you’re attracted to and interested in getting to know, you go out, you share things about each other, and one of the things you share on a first or second or third date is an idea of what you are looking for and what you are not looking for in terms of a relationship.
If you’re lucky, you find someone right away who clicks with you and who wants the same kind of relationship you do. Great! But maybe it takes a while to find that person. That’s ok, too. You aren’t in any rush and you love your life as it is now anyway. Have fun with this and enjoy dating from the envious vantage point of not needing or wanting anything but someone to spend a day or two with each week. I promise that this is going to be an appealing scenario to the right person, and with a little patience and openness, you will find him.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
I believe Join (cougar) Mellenacamp said it best:
I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy
(I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy)
I need a lover that won’t drive me crazy
Some {person} that knows the meaning of, ah-
Hey hit the highway!
I’ve been there and done that. It’s great, but be careful that you or they don’t catch more feelings than you anticipate.
I currently live this lifestyle. I have been for many years. The only difference with me is that I am polyamorous. It fits me. I promise that there are people out there that want to keep it exclusive and only want to be with you because they are dating exclusively to find that right fit for a potential relationship down the road. They also don’t want to live together either, but it does take a while to find that. People have to be cautious these days rushing into a relationship because it can cost you your mental health. Take your time and try different avenues of meeting people such as social events or do something young and free you will be surprised who your attracted to or try a different age. Relax and have fun with it. Lookout for love bombers. The feeling’s part is tricky, but you have to be mature about the situation. If it was built on friendship first always revert back to that.
My mother-in-law and her husband don’t share a home. They’re married but keep separate finances and live in their own homes on the same block (within walking distance for both of them in a very walkable area, she’s in her late 70s and he’s in his early 80s). Both of them have kids from a previous marriage and when they married 15 years ago, they figured that this arrangement will be easier on their heirs when they die. So yes, it’s possible to be in a committed relationship without sharing a home!
My sister and her SO have never lived together. My sister shared a mortgage with her ex-SO (they never married) and they ultimately split up when he realized that she wasn’t going to change her mind about kids (he wanted them and she’s happily childfree), although the final separation didn’t happen until he got someone else pregnant. Her current SO had a similar background in that he’d been in a long-term live-in relationship that ended when he didn’t want kids and she did. So now they’re happily childfree and see each other most weekends and when they’re on vacation at the same time.
I could have written this letter many years ago. I never did the online thing, but dated serially and never let anyone entertain the idea of moving in with me. Kids went to their dad’s for 48 hours every weekend, during which I worked three shifts; this left me with one night to go out, and that was what I offered. Sometimes it grew into having him over for dinner mid-week, but that’s it. This was my life and it seemed perfectly reasonable to me that if a guy was looking for more, then I wasn’t the one. Stick to your guns, and you will find the right person.