Your Turn: “Does He Have Another Girlfriend?”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
We live about 150 miles away from each other so I guess he could easily be hiding another girlfriend, but I just always trusted him so the thought never even entered my mind. I mean, he introduced me to his grandma five weeks after we started dating. Wouldn’t she know if he had two girlfriends? So bizarre. I don’t wanna confront him just so he can lie to me, so how do I find out the truth? Also, I don’t wanna just break up without giving a reason, especially since he just told me that he might have cancer.
There was another thing I was concerned about. In a question that was dated two months ago he said his girlfriend loves making out (I do) but that he hates it and that he just likes sex but making out is boring and a waste of time and makes him want to throw up. I feel like that’s not normal and it’s a red flag. And the weird part is that we haven’t had sex; we’ve come close to it but I told him when we first started dating that I want to be a virgin ’til I’m married and he said that he’s OK with that.
I was wondering if you could shed some light on that but mostly I want to know how I can figure out the truth without asking him cause I don’t know whether he’ll lie or not. — Truth-Seeker
I don’t think it really matters if he has a secret girlfriend or not, or if he has cancer or not. If dude doesn’t like making out (and it makes him want to throw up) and you do and don’t plan on having sex any time soon, it’s time to MOA because you want different things.
What do you mean it is your boyfriend’s profile? Is it his name and picture? Or is it just postings of things you have spoken about by a guy your boyfriend’s age? Because unless his picture and name are up there then – I don’t know how to break this to you – but it isn’t him and you sound like you might need a little therapy. If his picture and name are up there then it seems he is having sex with someone who isn’t you.
I had the same thought that it might not be her boyfriend’s profile. Unless there are some VERY specific things… which may be the case. I hope the LW sees this question and responds!
It didn’t sound like she has conclusive proof of it if all she is doing is is relying on the buddy posting some random information on the profile that is similar to her boyfriend – but all the girlfriend/sex/play info he posted didn’t fit.
I’d be surprised if it was her boyfriend.
Colour me surprised – apparently she left out the part where the link in his profile links to the boyfriend’s blog (as per the super sleuthing below). LW – I’m sorry – but if you have a confrontation what do you hope to achieve? This may be one of those times where you stop speaking to him and if he persists just send him a link to his profile.
It has a link to his blog on it, but even if it didn’t that doesn’t mean I need therapy, it means I’m capable of putting two and two together.
If it links to his blog then just break up with him. The fact that he might have cancer doesn’t mean you have to stay with him.
I’d like to point out that just because someone asks the same questions on Yahoo Answers that you and your boyfriend discussed, doesn’t mean the person is your boyfriend. I’d imagine that there are a lot of people with similar questions when faced with this health problem.
But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, for the sake of argument. Maybe there was something on the profile that was extremely telling, and that made you believe with absolute certainty that this person is, in fact, your boyfriend. But here’s the deal: A relationship in which you are actually uttering the words “I can’t ask him cause I don’t know whether he’ll lie or not” is a relationship with at least one huge red flag waving in the wind.
And your boyfriend’s health problems and possible infidelity aside, there are more red flags. Namely, the lack of communication that’s blatantly apparent in your relationship. It doesn’t seem that you two have a healthy foundation from which to discuss quite a lot of huge issues — such as your sexual relationship and needs, and the inability to ask whether or not he’s being faithful to you.
A relationship where you can’t communicate with each other isn’t a relationship. You two don’t seem to know each other well enough to even know HOW to communicate with each other. If you want to start on the right track, then start by not snooping around to find the answers you’re looking for. If you want to know if he’s being faithful, then ask. If he’s lying, his panic and wide-eyed backtracking should be fairly evident.
And if it comes to be that this profile IS your boyfriend’s, I’d MOA. In addition to him having two girlfriends, he also has admitted that he doesn’t enjoy kissing you. A relationship where one person is physically ill at the prospect of kissing their partner is NOT the right relationship for either of you. Keep your eyes open, LW, use common sense and COMMUNICATE.
I totally agree that if she can’t ask “are you cheating on me” without expecting a lie then there’s not a good foundation to this relationship. Also, does the LW and BF have a facebook? I think that’s the easiest way to figure out if he has a girlfriend or not. Usually a guy isn’t going to be “facebook official” with one girl while he’s openly dating another.
Good detective work there. I like the facebook suggestion.
Really? Wouldn’t most cheaters automatically get defensive and lie about it? I would assume that most people lie at first and then go back and admit it later when they’re not put on the spot. That’s what I did when I was caught years ago. Although the relationship was unhealthy for me, I can’t see a natural human reaction being different just because the relationship has a better foundation.
Agree with RR … if you can’t confront your boyfriend because you have good reason to think he’ll lie to you, then you straight-up don’t TRUST him. Trust is a huge requirement for a relationship! Think of trust like flat, even, unbroken ground … good for building a house on. If you build a house on top of a huge rocky crack … it’s never going to be stable 🙂
But I want to call you out on the “I’m afraid he’ll lie” thing a bit more … What solid, real reason do you have to so strongly suspect he’s going to lie? Has he outright lied to you in the past? If so, why haven’t you called him out on this previous lie and demanded that he be truthful? I think you’re just AFRAID he’ll lie and using this as a cop-out to avoid a tough conversation.
The fact is, these types of conversations between humans are never fun or easy. It’s because they’re so, well, confrontational that we tend to avoid them at all costs, especially because the outcome of them could mean a breakup, major fight or other extremely unpleasant consequence. And as humans sometimes we’d rather just shove our concern under the rug for a time because it’s easier to live every minute with a suppressed concern than face the bigtime consequences of eradicating it. But the bad thing you’re sweeping under the rug will ALWAYS be there and it has a way of growing and morphing into something even nastier, the longer it sits. It’s like you’re “charging” the concern to a credit card. You can deal with paying for it now or later, but the longer it sits on your “account”, the more interest you’re paying over time and the more it’ll cost you in the long run. I personally prefer to keep all my accounts current … real credit cards or otherwise. The peace of mind is uncomparable.
You’ve got to woman-up and talk to your boyfriend. It may end up in a breakup. But at least you’ll know and be able to move on with your life and find someone who you can actually trust. Have the strength of character and respect for yourself to do this. It’s not going to be easy! Expect that. Psych yourself up for it. You’ll feel better afterward no matter what the outcome.
She thinks he’s going to lie because she thinks he already HAS lied. LW, you need to talk to him before you decide he’s guilty. If you go into the conversation assuming he’s a liar who is two-timing you, then anything he says will automatically sound like a lie.
Unless, as others have said, you know without the slightest doubt that this is your boyfriend (like a picture or a full name, not just Jake, 22, California) I would recommend you give him the reasonable doubt that this other (jerk) guy on Yahoo is not your boyfriend and have the conversation from that standpoint. Your letter suggests to me you do have a slight doubt that it’s him, or else why ask how you can find out for sure? It’s good to critically evaluate whether you are being lied to, but its not good to judge him guilty and then assume he’s a liar before getting all the facts.
Yeah, I’m also confused about why you think it’s his profile? The reason you state for believing that seems to be “there were a ton of questions about stuff that we’ve talked about.” People going through the same health crisis are bound to have similiar questions about it. Maybe it isn’t actually him at all?
If you ARE sure that it’s him, however, then yes– you’ve been deceived. Don’t feel as if you need to stay with him because he may have cancer. If you don’t want to confront him, then bring up the distance thing as an issue & say you want to move on (although really, this whole letter was murky as hell…)
This whole suspicion rides on whether or not this yahoo person is your bf….so find that out by snooping and you will have your answer…
jk…
But really it is a little suspicious that the post was made a few hours before you made one. Whenever I have a question on yahoo and it is typically answered you don’t make a new one…a post specific to your bf’s condition within 3 hours of you finding out and posting is highly suspect. He may be cheating…just keep tabs on that yahoo profile and if there is a date night with his “gf” make a point to call him? I doubt he would say “yes, I’m cheating on you” if you asked.
If you met his grandmother once it isn’t far-fetched for him to wriggle around juggling two girls and keep it low key…just keep your eyes open and listen to your gut if shit gets shady.
Also take a second…and re-evaluate your relationship. I can’t imagine a guy that would juggle two women would be that invested in either of them…especially the one 150 miles away. If you think this is a relationship you are settling for then get out of it anyways…6 months is not that long to be together.
I’m not sure how you can find the truth by some other means without resorting to some improper, childish behavior (throwing a frozen chicken at his head to see if the profile person posts “OMG, my girlfriend just threw a frozen chicken at my head, how crazy is that?”; going through emails, etc.). The mature thing to do is, unfortuately, what you don’t want to do, which is to ask him directly. If he confirms it, you’ll know. If he denies it, you have to then weigh his past behavior towards you and your conviction that he is lying against each and decide if he truly is lying. Then you can decide to leave or stay. The messed up part will be if you think he’s lying but stay anyway, which is kind of unfair to him if you don’t reveal that you don’t believe him because then you may continue to hold something against him which 1) he has no idea about and 2) which he may not be guilty of. So that would kind of suck for him.
On another note, you don’t know for sure, 100%, that the poster is your boyfriend. I’ve had situations where I’ve read someone’s profile who sounds exactly like someone I knew (or even me!) and it ended up not being that person (or me, obviously). You say that he posted “a bunch of questions about things we’ve talked about”. I mean, is this the only reason (plus the MCV question) behind your belief that the poster is your boyfriend? I mean, unless it was about that dog-shaped mole he has on his right earlobe (“My girlfriend wants me to remove my dog-shaped mole on my right earlobe, what do you think?”), how can you tell? I’m assuming that this profile doesn’t have his name, photo, with age and stats, because then you would be sure. If you are basing it on questions on conversational topics, well, honey, a lot of people discuss the same things in life, especially around a certain age and relationship situation (if an LDR works, fears about finding/keeping a job, saving for the future, whether or not aliens exist, how does our vote really count, etc.). And, yes, I am sure there are many people out there, unfortunately, who are dealing with cancer. And it is completely understandable that they would post about it and ask questions on a forum.
So my advice to you is to really debate and think about whether this poster is, 100% for sure, your boyfriend. And also ask him about it, since that is what you would do in a healthy relationship. Wouldn’t you want him to ask you if he saw someone in the street who he thought looked exactly like you kissing some guy? And then make a decision. In the meantime, stop poring over the poor poster’s stuff and agonizingly applying it to your relationship because well, that’s just counterproductive and smacks of drama and hysteria and WILL NOT help you in this situation. Good luck!
LW, do the chicken thing. That would be awesome.
agreed.
LOL!
Record and upload to youtube and if you’re lucky it will go viral.
If I were the LW, I’d just casually ask him what his Yahoo! username is. Nothing suspicious about that. Then, if the name matches, you have your answer and can proceed from there.
One other thought to throw out there… Have you actually had the exclusivity chat?
Until then, technically it’s not cheating if he or both of you are also seeing other people. Especially at 150 miles away.
True that. Unless you’ve actually discussed being exclusive, you shouldn’t expect someone to not be seeing other people.
True. I’d add a caveat to this though and say while you shouldn’t just assume exclusivity until its been discussed, if you’ve been together for six months (even if its mid-distance) and it hasn’t come up, something’s off.
Very good point.
Ok, here’s the deal, I think your relationship is a little screwy already because you can’t trust your boyfriend to answer a question about his fidelity honestly. But, since you are already capable of internet-stalking him and making assumptions about him due to a yahoo profile that may or may not be his, I figure you are going to be OK with the following suggestions: read his email, go through his text messages, and “surprise him” one weekend you hadn’t planned to meet up. I honestly think that just straight up asking him is better and easier, but since you already internet stalked him you might as well creep in real life.
C’mon, that’s a little harsh. It started as innocently tryIng to find more information out of concern and support, and turned to following breadcrumbs. Which may or may not be legit, but that’s beside the point. It wasn’t like she set out to stalk him.
Yeh but she wrote in to ask us how to find out if he has a secret girlfriend without asking him. What else is she going to do besides reading email, reading texts, etc..?
Ok, that I agree with. I just though that stalking was a bit of an unfair leap, given how the information was found.
She should go see a psychic, I’m sure that she can get the answer there, I mean, psychics know all, right?
I do think she should ask, but cheaters aren’t really known for their honesty, which does make asking kind of pointless. If he’s two-timing her the way she suspects, I do doubt he’d own up to it immediately upon being questioned.
Agreed, but then I go back to my original post, whether or not they’ve actually designated exclusive status. From the limited information we have, I’d hazard a guess that long-distance communication may not be their strong suit. It’s possible that they have different ideas of what the relationship may mean at this time. Which is all based on *IF* this is Mr. Yahoo in the first place.
If you’re “researching” health issues, it’s my professional obligation to tell you – Yahoo Answers is NOT a reliable source of information (nor is it likely a reliable source of information in your relationship situation).
That may be why he thinks he has cancer. I’m not a doctor, but it’s my understanding that low blood cell volume is typically associated w/ anemia and iron deficiency generally. That the link w/ cancer is secondary (e.g. tumors).
yeah – I looked up MCV on my favourite consumer health website (*librarian nerd alert*) I had to really look really hard to find a mention of cancer.
Excellent points.
Recently, I had labs results come back indicating I had a low wbc count. Of course, I started googling. Actually, I was even looking at a reputable site – medlineplus. According to what I read, I could have had lupus, or leukemia, or hiv. And I started freaking out for no reason. I got re-tested and my counts were fine. Lab error. Anyway, don’t google things unless you know for certain what you have. And only then, you should look things up on a web-site your doctor recommends. It causes undo stress, which could, in fact, make things worse.
I <3 MedlinePlus!!
Me too. My dr told me to only use that site and only when she tells me what is wrong – as in, don’t go searching. She said to never, ever, use WebMD or the like.
He could be…lying about having cancer? (Someone did this to me back in high school, so there are people that horrible in the world)
Actually I wondered the same. Though he could just be neurotic. Kissing makes him want to throw up!
A guy I was dating lied about having cancer to try and get me to keep having sex with him after we broke up. I did believe him for a while, though I declined his generous offer to keep sexing me up.
Not only do I have cancer, but a fatal flesh-eating disease. WedMD says so.
Never, ever go on WebMD (or Yahoo) for answers to health concerns.
Or About.com
I think I got that fatal flesh-eating disease from you! It can be transmitted via DWing can’t it?
My best friend thinks she has cancer about once a month because of her online research when ever she gets a headache or is in pain somewhere. I love her but I’m about to steal her laptop.
This whole thing sounds alarmist to me – the boyfriend with his cancer and the girlfriend with the cheating. As far as I can tell – no one KNOWS anything.
I have no advice at the moment, but just wanted to add that I hate making out. I mean, I really hate it. The thought of some’s saliva in my mouth (even my husband’s) grosses me out beyond belief.
The LW’s boyfriend (or random internet poster) is not alone.
Aww, really? I love it. LOVE it love it love it. And love it some more. Even though saliva grosses me out.
And I’ve been told many times that I’m a good kisser… Just throwing that out there. 😉
Late night, extended make-out sessions make ME feel like I’m going to puke…IDK why….making out itself doesn’t make me want to puke I truly enjoy it….but those nights I’ve been in bed with a girl completely content to kiss the night away (not literally) rather than seal the deal I’ve gotten horrible stomach pains later on in the festivities.
…blue balls?
lol – no…unless my balls are in my stomach…maybe you are on to something.
Let’s check the symptoms on WebMD!
I’m not big on kissing or foreplay either. I’d rather just get down to business.
I’m with you, bethany. Making out is messy and gross. Now, I love kisses that last under 5 seconds, but only with my boyfriend. I’ve never liked it with anyone else. It’s just so disgusting.
Maybe the LW’s boyfriend is the ideal guy for you then.
Everyone is focusing on the fact that she can’t ask about the boyfriend’s fidelity. Which I agree, if you don’t trust him to answer honestly, you don’t have that great of a relationship to begin with.
But why can’t you ask if he posted questions about the cancer on yahoo? You can easily say you were looking it up and read something from someone fairly similar to him. You were curious. Although, I guess he could easily lie about that too if, in fact, it was him and he has another girlfriend. Anyway, it wouldn’t hurt to ask and gage his reaction.
If you’re convinced he won’t tell you the truth about the potential infidelity on his part, you could try to ask if that’s his account in an innocuous and unrelated to an upset girlfriend kind of way. If you suspect that the poster is your boyfriend, next time you talk to him tell him that you were researching his condition on Yahoo! and found a question that appeared to be from him. Laugh about how funny it is that you randomly found him. If he then confirms it’s him, THEN ask about the other stuff you found. He won’t be able to deny much after he’s verified it’s his account. Then proceed to have an adult conversation about the lack of communication skills, how hurt you are that it appears you overlapped (at a minimum) with another woman, that he appears to be not as okay as he insinuated at the onset that you wanted to wait until marriage, etc. Be grown ups about it, but trust your gut. If something’s off, you’ll feel it. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone you don’t trust, but don’t give up on this relationship until you know for sure he’s the guy posting. Seems like you should give him the benefit of the doubt until you know 100% what the facts are.
“If he then confirms it’s him, THEN ask about the other stuff you found. He won’t be able to deny much after he’s verified it’s his account.”
Ah the wonderful art of conversational landminds…poor bastard won’t see it coming.
It just seems to me that she’s stuck in a conundrum. If she outright asks him if he’s cheating, and he says no, he’s either lying or telling the truth, but she’ll still be stuck in her current predicament of not really know what the truth is. If he says no, and he’s telling the truth, there’s going to be a major hit to their relationship, and I think it could potentially damage them going forward. If she goes about in, as you say, a coversational landmine (great term, by the way!) she gets the benefit of fielding his answer without ambushing him, especially if it’s not actually him posting these things, and instead of errupting in a major fight and damaging their relationship, they can continue sailing along on (mostly) still waters. Anyone who gets ambushed with “Are you cheating on me!?!?!” is either going to lie (if they’re cheating) or be incredibly hurt over the accusation (if it’s factually untrue). She’s in a pickle, for sure.
This is definitely the best advice so far. I wish I could like it about twenty times.
Oh I compltely agree that there are situations where you need them (potentially this one), but I’ve watched guys get suckered into these traps countless times and I always feel a little bad for them, haha (even when they kind of deserve it). You definitely see them on sitcoms all the time. Really funny for guys cause you know exactly where it’s going for the poor shmuck and you know he’s screwed, lol (just shut up buddy you’re making it worse you fool!). I know I’ve stepped on one of these myself a few times and only when I was in there deep did I realize what had happened, such a crappy feeling…
Well, those poor fools were lured in with malicious intent. That’s deceitful and callous on the women’s part. Totally agree with you on that. I think in this case, it’s actually the kindest way to broach the subject. It doesn’t let him in on the fact that she’s (even momentarily) lacking trust for him on the chance that it’s not him, and if it actually is him, well, it gives her the answers she wouldn’t get anyway and they can go ahead and break up. If it’s truly him, he clearly doesn’t care for her feelings and thus doesn’t deserve to keep her trust. If it’s not him, he deserves to retain the illusion of trust never wavering so that she is the only one who has to suffer under the accusations.
Everyone is jumping on this band wagon of “if you can’t trust him to be honest about infidelity how can you be in a relationship with him” but why would anyone admit to cheating?! And as a lot of adept cheaters would do… he will turn it around on her and become a victim of her “unwarranted” suspicion….yea sometimes a feeling guilty partner will admit to it, but I highly doubt that’s a common occurrence. The only time a cheater comes clean is when you have proof or they want your relationship to be over anyways.
Agreed. I can give my opinion about it (as I did above), but I’ve never been in that situation before so I can only imagine how hard it is in reality for the cheated-upon person to “discuss” it with the other person (as opposed to just leaving). I’ve told boyfriends before that there are two things that would make me up and automatically leave, and that was if 1) he hit me, or 2) he cheated on me. One of them was like, “But then why would I tell you?” and I replied, “You probably wouldn’t but that would be for me to deal with and figure out what to do anyway, I’m just telling you my absolutes.”
I like your screen name.
Thanks! Love me some sci-fi and Philip K. Dick!
I like Dick, too! (I couldn’t resist)
Bazinga!
Exactly, I am the lw btw and some of these people I think are completely misunderstanding me and writing the asinine things like saying that I want to stalk him when really I’m trying to find my way out of this and solid proof is what I need because it would be easier for me to leave the relationship without discussing it and normally that’s what I would probably do but since he thinks he has cancer he’s probably gonna turn it around and say that that’s the only reason and what would have been a difficult conversation to begin with will become completely unbearable I just can’t do it.
He probably doesn’t have cancer. He may think that he has cancer, but that’s an entirely different problem.
And FWIW you don’t need proof of anything. This isn’t a court case. If he’s driving you crazy, then you should part ways and get on with your life. Don’t torment yourself.
It’s good to set expectations.
“Hey boyfriend, if I ever find you cheated on me, I’m going to be gone so fast I may not even say goodbye. And then all of our friends will also know about your cheating because I’m going to tell them. So if you ever feel like you want to cheat, just don’t. Break up with me instead. If you already have cheated well then you can admit it now and I won’t tell anyone and I’ll be gone or keep it secret and let things blow up later on.”
I tend to agree with everyone else that you don’t know for sure that the poster is your BF. But, the thing that really bugs me is the fact that you just don’t ask him whatever you want to know. Sometimes hard questions come up, you have to know how to deal with them. Also, the-poster-who-might-be-your-boyfriend says he hates making out. Does your BF enjoy making out? You say you haven’t had sex but you’ve come close. Does this mean you have made out? In my experience, it’s pretty easy to tell if a man is enjoying himself or not.
Assume the Yahoo person is not your boyfriend. Put it way out of your head. There are BILLIONS of people in the world. Think about that. If you don’t think there is another young man facing cancer who has a girlfriend then you are naive. There are probably at least hundreds right now going though the exact same thing!
What you now need to do is get to know your boyfriend so well that you will be able to recognize him by a Yahoo profile within minutes of reading. You need to be confident he doesn’t have a girlfriend. The making out thing is nothing. Some people like it, other’s don’t. Don’t worry about that.
So how to you get confident about knowing he doesn’t have anyone else but you in his life? You need to communicate. I must have asked my boyfriend how committed to me he was at least once a month in our relationship at the beginning. Just so I knew we were on the right path. There was a time, this time last year in fact where I was very upset. We had been dating for 10 months and still no “I love you” so I asked if he and I could meet. We met for lunch and I said to him. “Sometimes “you’re cute” only goes so far. If you don’t know soon that you feel deeper feelings for me then please let me know so I can find a man that will eventually develop those deeper feelings.” The result? 6 weeks later (soooo long!) he told me he loved in at the top of a mountain near a waterfall. It was perfect.
So LW, do a relationship check it. Say this:
“boyfriend, I was just wondering how committed are we to one another? Are we exclusive or can we date others?”
See what he says. Then come to an agreement.
I did my own detective work and it was easy to find the user that LW is talking about on Yahoo Answers.
That same user has also asked the following questions in the last year:
QUESTION: Ok it’s apparent to me I have a Personality Disorder– how do I treat this?
(he adds, “How do I stop using a False Personality? I have a false personality that I use so that I can interact with other people. I guess it developed from shame and it was a way to hide who I truly am. But it’s been so long I don’t actually know who I am anymore…)
QUESTION: My dad died, what is proper etiquette now?
QUESTION: Turbo Tax Question: My Husband died last year, can I still file?
QUESTION: Car Lease Question – My Grampa died w/ 1 year left on the lease, what is the best deal for my Gramma?
Make what you will from this. He also asks a LOT of questions about traffic and health insurance. Someone with multiple personality disorder? Perhaps it is all connected and makes sense in some way? Maybe this is a phony account with more than one user? A con-man?
I have no idea. But I would definitely start asking some questions –and I DON’T mean anonymously on the internet. I mean asking YOUR BOYFRIEND to clarify everything.
Good luck.
The plot thickens….the LW’s bf doesn’t even know he is cheating….he has two personalities that are dating two different girls!
NOW it makes sense! That explains everything!
perhaps he’s dating himself. That would explain his aversion to kissing.
He also has a husband who’s died. If he’s dating himself, does that make him a zombie?
lol
OMG. I just searched and found all those questions too. WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU THINK THAT’S YOUR BOYFRIEND LW?
And y’all are roughly 30 years old (or at least he is)? I honestly thought maybe you guys were 22 or something. The questions he asked on Yahoo makes him sound like he’s 17…
OK, I know I’m being ugly, but by no means should you ever go off of someone’s profile on Yahoo Answers. I’m being serious. People lie, make stuff up, change stories JUST so people don’t know it’s them… etc.
It sounds like you might be insecure in your relationship, and like others said, maybe you need to have that “exclusivity” talk with your guy. You should be able to have an open, non-accusatory conversation with him. Six months isn’t very long, so what do you have to lose?
Good luck!
Internetz is srs business
This one is my favorite:
“Can somebody explain the country of Wales to me?”— Seriously???
hahahahahahhahaha!! What do you even say to that?
Well it is confusing. It is a nation, but not a state. Weird concept to grasp for some I guess.
But why they would single out Wales and not Scotland, or Basque country, or any other numerous such geographical entities, beats me.
How about the one from 6 mos. ago about how he just started dating a chick with a mustache? Maybe that’s how the LW knew it was her boyfriend?
If my boyfriend has a yahoo account filled with questions about me, I think after reading this, I’d rather just not know.
Luckily, I know my boyfriend is too smart to use Yahoo Answer as an information source, haha.
Hey, I’d like to get an answer to that!
Kidding. My mom’s family hails from Wales – so she claims. But I have been there and the people do look a lot like my mom’s family.
I’m 22 were about the same level of maturity though
With a quick search you can find the LW also.
Wow, the cancer one says that he’s 30. I’m kind of saddened that someone who is 30 would think yahoo answers is worthwhile at all, particularly for medical issues.
Post links!!!
Dude, it’s not that hard to find xD just google the key terms
When I tried, the ones that looked like the right links, the questions had been deleted…
I found him with the tax question Jess posted.
30??? wow, from the letter I was guessing they were both like 19.
If this is the guy he is very immature.
The real question should be “why is my bf still using yahoo!?”
Uhh… I didn’t find him, but I found her. It looks like she’s planning on breaking up with him.
I especially like the question, “How do I tell a girl I’m dating to get rid of her mustache?” It was posted 6 months ago, and he says he just started dating “this chick?” (with the question mark.) But then the earlier post about the play was posted 5 months ago, and he says it was for a 6 month anniversary.
I am so grateful for your due diligence in finding and posting his questions. I have laughed so much at his incessant use of question marks, beginning sentences with “Like”, and his random use of ALL CAPS that my sides are hurting. Hi-larious. I hope to God this isn’t the LW’s boyfriend….
Holy shit! How the fuck did you know who it is? He said he has a personality disorder??? I did not see that question.
I wonder how many people have actually fessed up to cheating just because their SO asked. Probably very few.
Men have been CAUGHT red handed *ahem* and have denied it. My friend caught her ex-fiance with a hooker – at 3 am in his house – and he denied it to her saying it was just an interview for a job (I can’t make this up). It was so ridiculous the HOOKER started yelling at him to tell my friend the truth. So I’m going to say – yep – probably very few.
Please tell us what job he tried to say it was for. I must know this.
I’m guessing personal assistant.
Yesterday my mum was telling me about a movie where the wife catches her husband in bed with another woman and the guy denies it so much (even while the other woman is getting dressed and leaving) that the wife ends up believing it. Maybe your friends´s ex was going for that tactic? But what an asshole!!!
Believe it or not – he was trying to convince her and it almost worked – which is what incensed the hooker into yelling at him to tell her the truth. Yeah he was special… My friend is no idiot so I’ve got to think she suffered some sort of temporary mental illness that made her incapable of processing what she was seeing right away. By the time she called me from the car though she was fully processing it in all sorts of language to make a sailor blush.
He was probably gaslighting her – it’s a technique to make a person think that they are crazy when they clearly aren’t.
Plus, I go with the George Costanza approach: it’s not a lie if you believe it.
This situation is where you insert the guy from a previous letter who was always making lame jokes about jobs, cups, etc. “Oh, the job in her mouth?”, “The job up her cooter?”, so forth.
Hahahahaha
Remember that song from the early 00s “It wasn’t me”. I think it was shaggy. yea, if they are writing songs about it then it happens alot.
While I definitely think most guys lie about cheating when asked, my boyfriend told me he cheated on me, and I never asked or had any suspicions about it. But most people would never do that.
It sounds like you’re assuming that this random Yahoo questioner is your boyfriend based on the fact that some of the questions seem to match him. Not all of them, just some. Let’s step back a second.
The Yahoo questioner:
1. Celebrated his six-month anniversary with his girlfriend five months ago.
2. Hates making out with his girlfriend to the point of wanting to throw up.
3. Regularly has sex with his girlfriend.
NONE of these things describe your boyfriend, which suggests that this is a completely different person! It’s very easy to project yourself or people you know onto things you read. For a trippy example, check out this video by multimedia and web artist Ze Frank: . He describes two women who saw themselves in another woman’s message so clearly that they were both convinced they had spoken the words themselves!
So, the question to ask yourself now is why you fell so completely down this rabbit hole. It sounds like you’re so desperate for information about your boyfriend’s internal state that the idea of finding out his secret questions on Yahoo was comforting, despite the fact that they seemed to suggest he was cheating on you. He’s going through a really hard time, but you are too! The fact that your boyfriend is going through this health scare so early in your relationship is a pretty big freaking deal. Plus, I’m guessing you’re both on the young side and don’t have much relationship experience as adults. So, if you want to know what’s going on his head it’s time to sit him down and ask him, and it would be a good idea to take some time to reflect on how this effects you as well. Close the browser window. The answers you need, and the questions you need to ask, are in the real world. Not Yahoo.
I love zefrank!!!!!
It has a link to his blog on it, what was this rabbit hole you were speaking of?
Ok, Ask him about it! print out copies of this “profile and conversation” grab a highlighter,
and say “can you see where a reasonable person would have to ask for clarifications about this sentence?”
I find that when it’s spelled out in black and white, it would be eaisier to learn the truth. And harder for him to on the fly come up with something like “oh well I never said that”. Yes, yes you did, see I have it highlighted here. No need to get hysterical, i mean, you deserve an answer. Sooner you know, sooner you can figure out your next step.
If you both can’t communicate about this, then MOA. I of corse hope he is not cheating on you, but if your gut is telling you he is, then that’s 99% of the time, eventually, that’s the right answer.
Best of luck!
Okay, so this is something I would totally want to do (highlighter and all) and would probably restrain myself given that this is an automatic way to be known as “that completely insane girl I dated for a while” to this guy and his entire social circle forevermore.
How about starting a conversation one day about funny user names you’ve seen online or even more specifically on yahoo. Then you can casually ask him what his is. And you’ll have your answer.
Okay, this is now officially the funniest DearWendy thread ever.
Okay, I did the same thing that the rest of you are doing and went to yahoo answers and did some searching. Our LW asked the yahoo answers people the same question, but added this detail “Additional Details He has a link to his blog on his profile so I know it’s him.”
That seems like solid proof?
She posted another letter that says they’ve been fighting a lot and he’s overly critical. And she’s planning on breaking up with him.
Ooh, how did you find that one? When I clicked on her “questions” it said that her activity was private.
Holy shit, I love the answers people are giving her. (Also, kudos to everyone for sleuthing this out, ha!)
BAHAHAHA! someone suggested he buy a cock cage for him! HAHAHAHA. Best.answer.ever.
she* Hate how we can’t edit 🙁
My favorite was when she wrote that he complained that she didn’t care about him enough because she wasn’t as attentive as he’d like when he was talking about some boxer.
Yeah, everyone trying to convince her that it’s not really him needs to read this. It’s definitely him!
This situation is so completely batshit! LW can disregard my advice above. Clearly, both she and her boyfriend are nuts and need to have the computers ripped from their hands. Maybe he is cheating on her? Who knows!
I don’t think that they’re nuts, but he’s definitely a bit neurotic. From what I can make out he’s a chubby 30 year old Filipino hypochondriac who dislikes bodily fluids and still lives at home. Though he does have multiple girlfriends a/o personalities, which is more than I can say.
He sounds sexy!
“Though he does have multiple girlfriends.”
And possibly a husband. 😉
I love that he think it must be cancer because he is too fat to be anemic. lol
Anyone else think this letter is fake??
I was starting to think that cause it’s so crazy.
I think it’s real. Though the LW may be her own boyfriend.
Could explain the mustache. 😉
Nope.
This person posted a lot of questions. It should be crystal clear whether it’s your bf or not. You don’t need to ask him if he’s dating someone else. You know that during your first month of dating he was still with his girlfriend of 6 months. Tell him you know and that you need to talk about it. I don’t think you have to immediately tell him how you know or how much you know. Just let him know that you’re aware and let him fill in the blanks. If he refuses or denies you can decide from there if you can trust him enough to stay with him.
Ok this seems like the best answer, how do I start the conversation? “I know you already had a girlfriend when we started dating”? That sounds interrogative but it doesn’t seem like it leaves any room for him to lie.
More snooping. More drama. Just talk to your boyfriends, ladies…
PS: The last line of your letter, about him hating making out but liking sex with you…even though you haven’t had sex yet makes it pretty clear that this guy online you are now practically stalking is NOT your boyfriend. What is REALLY going on here? It’s almost like you can’t handle the whole cancer thing and are desperately looking for excuses to dump the guy so you don’t have to deal with it…
Although, honestly, couldn’t we answer about 70% of the questions here with “Get over yourself and communicate with the other person”?
Indeed we could. But come on! This letter is ridiculous. She has no proof other than some other random guy on line asked a question about cancer… Do you have any idea how many people out there face cancer? There are billions of people in the world. Millions upon millions of which use yahoo.
And I am laughing here as I read many of these responses. She can’t just confront him because he might lie about it…. Oh, please. Are all of you out there dating potential Brat Pitts or Jonah Hills? Are you all saddled with all these fabulous oscar nominated caliber actors or what? Can they really all lie so convincingly? Because it should be pretty damn easy to tell whether or not somebody is lying. The problem is that many simply can’t trust themselves to see the truth… Many believe what they WANT to believe. Many are so desperate for a relationship (both sexes) that they will hilariously believe damn near anything so they can cling to even the most crumbling and messed up of relationships…
“She has no proof other than some other random guy on line asked a question about cancer… Do you have any idea how many people out there face cancer?”
I thought the same thing until I actually saw the questions on yahoo answers. This guy posted so many questions that it’s either him or it isn’t.
If the model and year of the car match, his refrigerator brand matches, when his dad died, when his grandfather died, when he traveled to the Phillipines, if he lives in
Los Angeles, when he had his wisdom teeth removed, etc. If her boyfriend’s info matches all of that info and the rest, except the part about the play,that the guy on yahoo posted then she should probably accept that it’s her boyfriend and he still had a girlfriend when they started dating. If it doesn’t then she should just chalk it up to paranoia and forget about it.
Again then. These are the kinds of pertinent details people should ACTUALLY put in their letters to begin with… You can be vague about it. Change the details. “It’s so weird. The guy online has lost the same family members recently. Boughten the same TV. Heck, he even went to Cuba recently…
he links to his blog on his yahoo profile, on her yahoo answer account she asks this same question but includes that info. its definitely him
Plus she updated her letter on Yahoo saying he had a link to his blog, so she knows it’s him. Yeah, that would have been pertinent info for DW so half the commenters wouldn’t be trying to convince her it’s NOT him.
He doesn’t have cancer he is anemic. Low MVC is anemia.
He has asked so many specific questions that you would be able to tell.
Specfic type of car, specific vacation details, books and TV series he reads. His username is an actual “first letter, last name” thing. It would be SO easy to tell that it’s him. But it seems like she uses Yahoo! Answers a lot too. Wouldn’t he know that?
I’m guessing that 5 months ago when he posted about his other girlfriend he didn’t know how much the LW used it and has probably forgotten that he even posted that question.
The other question that springs to mind is this…
Okay. Lets review: Dating six months. No sex. Live 150 miles away… Why ever would she just ASSUME they are exclusive to begin with? I’d love to know if they actually had the big — you are my one and only conversation…
Oh, I don’t think its right to ever assume anything without talking it over, but it is odd that after six months it hasn’t come up. I feel if you’ve been dating someone with any regularity, after a few months there should be a check in conversation to make sure everyone is on the same page.
Its hard to say from what’s been shared if this relationship exists mostly in her head or if he’s being screwy, but some sort of talk SHOULD be had well before the six month mark. If there hasn’t been one, somethings going wrong.
Why is every letter ‘Your turn’ now? Sucks!!
why does jay’s comment not lend anything to the conversaion? Sucks!!
It’s two letters a week, Jay, not “every letter” and I’m sorry you’re displeased but the reason it’s this way is because I now have a baby I watch full time in addition to running this site and rather than leave my kid screaming in a crib or unattended to roll around on the floor while I answer more letters, I run an extra Your Turn letter each week so that I can give my baby the attention he needs and deserves, you readers can have a letter to read and reply to, and one more person who would not get any advice at all will have a bunch of responses to consider from this very wise community.
You seem unhappy, so I guess I could give you a refund. Oh, wait….
I like snarky Wendy 🙂
Lol, I didn’t mean it like that 😀 Maybe a “LOL” or a smiley would have helped?
But now I know, only twice a week. ^_~
Thanks for taking the time to reply Wendy, with the baby and everything!
Good day!
Hi, so speaking from a medical point of view i have NEVER heard that MCV is most likely related to cancer. UNLESS he is a 60 yo elderly man, in this case there are higher indications to say it is GI cancer. But, since he’s probably not an elderly person, this is unlikely the case. If he had cancer, let’s say, he’d be anemic, and losing blood in the stools. A simple stool test would rule that out…simple finger stick and swab with a guiac test. And unless you say he’s had a colonoscopy that is suggestive of cancer, and other reasons to say this is the case, then the cancer answer could be an exaggeration of a more simpler explanation. IN MOST ADULTS, a low MCV is related to anemia caused by dietary iron deficiency (simplest and most rational explanation), or other diseases like thalassemia or sideroblastic anemia. Honestly, this may be the cancer stretch; this is when the doctor says (and must tell you), “it is unlikely but a possibility that it COULD be cancer and we have to rule it out just to play all sides safe….” but he doesn’t hear the “unlikely” part. It’s like the commercials for a drug that says side effects include death (when in fact it was one person with his foot out the door who probably died from something else but happened to be on the drug too. Coincidental, uncorrelated, but must be reported).
Sorry that was a tangent, hopefully you get my point. Although, i also don’t know his family history, or medical history asides from this one detail- the point is: with what you’re just saying, there are more logical explanations. TBH, he sounds shady, and if what you are saying is true, i say take your exit out and find someone you can trust. Oh, and if you haven’t confronted him yet – i say do so, and trust your gut that he might not be the best for you. Goes without saying, make sure you know it’s 100% him before you go accusing him…..
LW, forget about Yahoo! Facebook is where you stalk people these days. :))
So dumb, I’m not stalking him, I found his profile on accident, wrote a panicked letter and now were broken up. End of story
Don’t worry, Jay was just joking.
Hope you’re doing okay with the breakup Mango. It’s always tough even if you know it’s for the best.
ok so maybe im blind but i see no link to anyones blog