Your Turn: “He Slept with a Prostitute”
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In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
To be honest, he and I have been in an off-and-on relationship. This was not the first time we ever broke up. I asked him why he slept with a prostitute if supposedly he loves me. He said: “You broke up with me, so why do you care?” And then he said he did it because he was mad, and he regrets everything and hopes I can forgive him one day.
I want to get back with him. I still love him deep down, but I’m scared of being lied to. He made so many promises that he never even meant. And I just hate the fact that we had sex the day after he slept with a hooker and, even if he used protection, condoms are not 100 percent safe.
He says he will do anything for me to take him back — even go to church or even go to anger management since he has issues. What should I do? — Off and On and Off Again
***************
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This reminds me of friends when “they were on a break.” but much more dirty.
“You fell asLEEP!?”
“It was 5:30 in the morning and you ahd rambled on for 18 pages… FRONT AND BACK!”
(Anyone? Haha.)
“Y-O-U apostrophe R-E means ‘you are’. Y-O-U-R means ‘your’!”
“Those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!”
and
“Don’t you worry about me falling asleep, I still have your letter!”
Haha. I love Friends (in case it wasn’t obvious).
The way Rachel says asLEEP in that episode makes me weirdly happy.
Me to! I say asLEEP all the time because of it!
I really love you guys (girls). Friends just makes me happy.
and in that context, neither one of them was wrong (Ross didn’t do a horrible thing sleeping with the copy girl, and Rachel wasn’t wrong for being upset that he slept with someone else when they broke up for 12 hours).
Here, it’s weirder and way more sketchy. and i wonder about these other unfulfulled promises she mentions.
This is one of those times the LW writes in so fully emersed in the midst of the chaos that is her life/relationship, that she write a letter seeking help and guidance, but she doesn’t realize that she hasn’t given us a whole picture that we can use to give helpful advice. I don’t blame her or fault her for that at all (I know I’ve done it to, to friends), but unfortunately, there isn’t much we can say other than, “do what you feel is right” because we have so small of a picture of their entire relationship.
EW! Ok, first, MOA. You’ve had an on and off relationship that sounds crazy dramatic. It’s time to leave this relationship for good. While your boyfriend wouldn’t be the first guy to run between the legs of another woman after a breakup, he went to a prostitute. That takes like…thought and planning.
Why do you even want to be with someone who lies to you and has anger management issues? Your boyfriend needs to fix himself before he can be in a relationship with anyone, even you. So tell him to go work on his issues and if he’s doing better in a year and still wants to be with you he can see if you are still available. In the meantime, aim higher.
How does it take much more thought and planning than going to a bar to find a woman to take home?
Well you have to get the cash. So you have to go to the ATM. And then you have to find a prostitute. How does one do that? Craigslist? Escort Service? Or are there parts of his town where you can just pick them up (maybe they live in Newark!)? And you also have to say “I want to have sex tonight and I’m going to find a prostitute”. As opposed to going to a bar, hitting on ladies, and seeing what happens.
Right because people don’t go to bars for the sole purpose of getting laid. And from what I’ve heard, it’s not that hard to find a prostitute. And having to run to the atm…not a lot of planning. Probably takes the same time as getting ready for the bar. If he had planned it, he would already have the cash instead of needing to go get it.
yea, I wouldn’t know where to look
Really? Not that I’ve hired one but the back pages of my city’s alternative newspaper is entirely composed of escort ads. There’s a part if town everyone knows were prostitutes are trolling for customers. Casual encounters is rife with ads. Any sketchy Asian massage place. I would have no idea how to find, say hard drugs, but I could definetly find a hooker spur of the moment.
I’m assuming you must live in a small town because in a city it doesn’t take much effort at all to figure it out.
Must be like a small town of 20. It’s not hard to find a prostitute. I mean go on craigs list, go to the Cloud 9 Spa in your town. People are living with their head in the sand if they think there are no hookers in their towns.
It’s really not that hard to pick up a prostitute. Like, it’s not hard at all. Every town has red light district and a lot of people just carry cash…I think it would be infinitely easier to bang a hooker than find a willing lady at a bar.
See I would just have NO Idea where to pick up a prostitute. And I’m assuming (which may not be true) that most guys in my social circle haven’t picked up prostitutes so they wouldn’t know how to do it in less than 24 hours after a break up. So in my mind it obviously takes some thought. But whatever…
I mean, I don’t know anyone who has ever gotten services from a prostitute, but we all know where the sketchy side of town is and we’ve all driven by ladies who are clearly working. I live in a smaller city/town type thing (100,000 total) and I bet I could locate a working girl in 20 mins or so on a Friday night.
And, it’s actually really easy to look online at crime reports and find where the soliciting arrests are happening, which is where the prostitutes loiter.
yea, i definitely agree.. i mean even when i was in high school everyone knew where you could go to get prostitutes…
I agree with you— it DOES take more thought & planning to go sleep with a prostitute, rather than call up an ex or a past F buddy or something, I think. Plus—not to start anything, here—but I think there’s generally two kinds of people. One that would sleep with a prostitute…and one that would never.
NOT TO SAY the one sleeping with prostitutes is bad, or dirty, or moral-less. I just believe people tend to have strong feelings on this kind of thing, so it’s ~usually~ one, or the other? So basically—if this guy was able to go find a sex worker to sleep with after only ONE DAY of being single, then it’s prrrobably something he does on the regular.
Not everyone has a past ex or F buddy that they could call.
Yeh, I agree that people sleep with a prostitute or they don’t.
“if this guy was able to go find a sex worker to sleep with after only ONE DAY of being single, then it’s prrrobably something he does on the regular.” Yup, totally agree. If sleeping with a prostitute is your go-to post break up, it’s probably not the first time you’ve done it. Most dude I know call up an old f-buddy or just get drunk with their guy friends.
i actually dont know if i agree with this for this particular situation, because why would he tell her *this* time and not all the other hypothetical times he has done it? why now? why break the pattern?
and, if he is being truthful about it not being a good experience, i would also assume that it was not something he was used to.
We don’t know that he hasn’t told her about other prostitute sexcapades- it’s not mentioned if this was his first trip down that road.
And I think the “it wasn’t a good experience” thing is a load of bull to just get back in her pants. This guy, IMO, is just feeding her lines so he can run around and bang whomever.
Haha. It may not have been a ‘good experience’, but he sure as hell isn’t going to tell her otherwise, so I wouldn’t even weigh that bit in. Nobody, in the course of trying to win someone back, is gonna say:
“Baby, sleeping with that prostitute was a really great way to use the time we were broken up. It was just what I needed. The whole time, trust me, I wasn’t thinking about you one bit, I was just super in the moment, just really having a good time banging that prostitute. Now, can we get back together?”
But honestly, his star rating of the experience is irrelevant to the fact of what he did. If seeing a prostitute during a brief breakup is a red flag or dealbreaker for the girlfriend, then wouldn’t that remain her standard whether he reported satisfaction or not? I know for me, if I felt deceived or someone stepped out on me, their personal enjoyment or lack thereof of the experience of stepping out on me is not going to effectively modulate my reaction in their favor, especially since I know whatever they tell me is going to be carefully shaped in order to maximize their chances of getting me back. I know they’re shaping a redemption narrative or whatever, so I’m just going to factor all that out of the equation and focus on what they did and whether I can live with it—-not whether the other girl (paid or unpaid) ended up being everything he wanted in a casual encounter.
That’s total fucking bullshit, GG. I am gay and i could a females escort on her way to me in twenty minutes. So could anybody with a brain and a computer…
If you’d read any of my other comments you’d know I’ve said I could find a prostitute in 20 minutes. Chill out.
Well, this comment sure made it sound otherwise…
“if this guy was able to go find a sex worker to sleep with after only ONE DAY of being single, then it’s prrrobably something he does on the regular.”
It was a copy and paste from Fabelle’s comment, just agreeing with her in that one statement…great reading comprehension.
Or maybe the poor guy just goes one whole night without sex? That’s not an option? His head would explode if he didn’t get some? Please…
RUN, do not walk to the nearest exit and keep going!
Right! There are probably so many women out there that he has wanted to bang while being in a relationship, so the fact that he chose to persue a lady of the night to me shows that he has been to them before.
Are you saying it takes thought and planning to sleep with a prostitute? Because that’s not really true.
I think its that he had the actual thought “I am going to pay someone for sex”. And he had to get the money. So there were multiple points where he could stop and go “ehhh this is a poor decision”.
There are multiple points where going to a bar to get laid that he could have stopped and said it’s a poor decision. I don’t see much of a time and planning distinction between the two.
A lot of people don’t have issue with paying for sex.
I think the thought has to do with how available they are in your area. Where I live, there aren’t street corner girls. So you would need some planning.
Fair enough, in my hometown of 10,000 I’m not so sure it’s easy to find an escort unless you know what you’re doing either.
However, in all likelihood they probably don’t live in a small town (there are more people living in urban than rural areas in our country) and it is NOT hard to find one in a large town or city, so it’s not a fair assumption that he planned this or put a lot of effort into making this encounter happen.
Whether it was his first time or not, well on that I’m willing to cede he’s not a novice.
Well, I’ll give csp that’s they’re harder to find in a small town (although they do exist everywhere tiny hamlet or megalopolis). I live in a big city now, but I grew up in a small town. They’re there for sure, but I agree with her that there if you don’t know what you’re doing already or where to look, you won’t find them.
But chances they live in a small town? I doubt it
Oops this was supposed to be higher up for GG
But do people really not know where to look? I mean really? Even if there isn’t a red light district in your small town, there is probably a town with in an hours drive that has one. I cannot fathom having ZERO idea of where you might look with in a short drive, under an hour, for a prostitute. I mean unless you live in like rural North Dakota or something 200 miles from the grocery store.
If you were determined yes I agree you could find one if you wanted, but it may take a lot of time, determination and trial and error if you’d never tried before in a very small town. Which I think would valid her point that finding one takes planning.
Now if he lives in a town of any reasonable size, I completely agree its possible to just make the snap decision and hiring someone spur of the moment. And seeing a more people live in more urban than rural areas, I think it’s far to assume he lives some where where accessibility is super easy, and it’s likely believable this wasn’t a planned out thing for him.
I would have absolutely no idea where to look, to be honest. I guess I could drive out to one of the cities (there are two quite major cities within driving distance), but once I was there, I wouldn’t know where the red light district was, or if there was one, or how not to look like an easy mark for robbery if I went down there. I’m a small-town girl living in a slightly bigger town that has drug crime and some occasional assaults, but as far as I know, not prostitution.
I think it depends on the class of prostitute, lol. In Scranton, you could pick up a prostitute on Lackawanna Ave. pretty much anytime after 12, but the women were usually older and looked like they had meth problems. If her boyfriend banged one of these women, he has more problems than just a lack of impulse control.
i would actually argue the exact opposite- it takes almost zero thought and planning to hire a prostitute, but that is if you are putting next to the other options to find sex, which is to find a one night stand or call up an ex or something… and this also depends on what you define as “thought and planning” being hard or not hard to do..
so, if you want a prostitute, yes you have to get money. then you find one. you say, i would like sex, how much is that? and she tells you and you do it and thats it. really no thought. all you need to think is “i want sex, i need money, i need directions to that part of town”.
now, if you were to go out and find a one night stand, the same thought process is there.. “i would like sex, i need to get money to go out tonight, i need directions to that part of town”. and then you do that, end up at the trendy bar area of town, and start talking to women. you still need cash, because one way that men try to pick up women is by buying them drinks. but then there is an added emotional or conversational part of it.. he would have to theoretically make some sort of connection with a lady… like, not a true love connection or anything, but he would need to get them talking about something, get them interested in him, ect, and then lead into the “you wanna come to my place” question. and, also, i would assume that any guy who goes out looking for a ONS would get rejected a few times, so that is also a bigger time commitment.
the easiest option, in my opinion, is if he had an ex or a prior fuck buddy who he could just call up… but not everyone has those, i guess, and i assume that the LW’s boyfriend didnt have that either, because he picked the objectively easier way to get sex in the prostitute vs. ONS choice. im sure if all he wanted was sex and it would have been as simple as a phone call, he would have picked that.
Eh whatever, I think everyone is picking apart 2 words of my entire comment.
I have no idea where I would pick up a prostitute in my town, and when I was in high-school in my little town of 25,000 people I had no idea either. So for me if I went that route it would take a lot of thought, and planning. I assume if it was someone’s first time it would also take more thought since they would be worried about getting arrested, or getting diseases, or somebody they know seeing them trying to pick one up.
well, we do have to assume this guy knew where to go, or at least who to ask, because he was able to close the deal within probably 14 hours…
from watching shows where they do stings on johns, i think you would be shocked how many people dont know/care about getting arrested, and from just talking with Cats you would probably be shocked how many people dont know/care about STDs, either.
Too true.
I bet you those people are the same people that are using prostitutes frequently, and not somebody who just broke up with their GF 10 minutes ago, and have never used a prostitute before, which I think makes it all the more likely that he has done this before, and it’s not just some random thing he decided to do.
i dunno, i just disagree with that thought. most people know the area of their town to go, its just known information- especially if you are in a large-ish city and also especially if you are in another country where it is more mainstream/legalized (we cant rule that out for this LW either).
you dont need to be a regular patron to know where to go.
Depends on where they live. I lived in Vegas for a while. You don’t have to have prior experience to know how to find a sex worker, legal or otherwise.
Right, but why are putting everyone in that category? I mean I just said that I don’t know where to look, so why assume that the boyfriend would just know out of the blue to look?
Why are you assuming he doesn’t? I don’t live in Vegas, far from it, but it’d still be totally easy to find one if I wanted.
I’m not, where did I say that? I acatually am assuming that he does know where to find them, and has used them before. I think if he didn’t know where to find one, that wouldn’t be the first thing he did right after he broke up with his girlfriend.
I get that. And I agree that it’s probably not his first time because just because you can find an escort easily, most people never will. Only a select few are interested in such an experience, and it’s usually not a one time thing.
The only thing I’m contesting is the assumption that finding one is hard – therefore that means he MUST have planned this out.
In most circumstances, it’s not hard. It can be done on impulse, easily. I just think its likely he’s had these impulses on multiple occasions.
That is the thing, everyone is assuming that I said it is hard to find a prostitute. That is not true, I said that I didn’t know where to find one off of the top of my head, and it would take research. I think even with doing the research, it would be easier to get a prostitute than pick up a girl at the bar, but it is just a different mentality.
I guess I was just saying he didn’t necessarily have to have past experience with prostitutes to know where to look. Vegas is its own beast but I think it’s relatively easy in any city.
Eh I’ve never hired a prostitute (and don’t plan to) but if I suddenly had the urge to I could walk out my building to the nearest dispensary of the alt paper (which are on every block downtown and at at least one place in each neighborhood) grab one of the free papers, and call one of the dozens of ads an have someone headed to me immediately.
It may not be easy in more remote areas, but it is in a lot of places for someone who’s never hired a hooker to find one on the fly. And there’s no reason to assume the BF is in an area where they are harder to find.
Honestly, you have NO idea where you would look to find a prostitute? Honestly…not a single clue where to start?
I don’t buy it. Sorry I don’t. Unless you (hypothetical you, not you you) live under a rock, you know where the rougher side of town is. Clue number one where to find a sex worker. You know where the shadier hotel is in town or the sketchy bar that you’d never think of going to. Sure, you may not know exactly which corner to get the best bj on, but you know what block or side of the train tracks to look for it.
Where I grew up it was a population of 18,000 and nice suburbia. It was illegal to be homeless. Literally. I never witnessed one person begging or wandering the streets. So you would be hard pressed to find a prostitute on the street. I’m sure you could find one via word of mouth if you ran in the appropriate social circle, but it wouldn’t be quick and easy to find one. Also, it depends where you live. People in rural situations may not be around as many people in general, thus less women selling sex.
Was there a city with in an hour? I’m sure you knew what side of the closest city was shady. I mean it’s not rocket science. Craigslist for Pete’s sake.
I grew up in a wealthy semi-rural area in the Philly area. Sure I couldn’t get a hooker in my town of 6,000 but a 30 minute drive and I could easy. It’s not that hard people.
off the top of my head no, it would take research, which is what you people for some reason think it doesn’t take to do. Looking at craigslist is research, trying to figure out where the shitty part of another city takes research, I don’t know all of the bad neighborhoods of my surrounding areas, and I have only lived in my city for a year, so no I don’t know the crappy parts, and the town I grew up in is a very rich town that doesn’t have crappy parts. You don’t have to buy it, I’m not trying to convince you, just giving you the information I have.
I’m totally with you on that it takes way different levels of energy/work/mental something to get a hooker rather than falling into bed with someone after a night of drinking. I live in a big city, so i assume there are a bunch somewhere, and i know craigslist and the back of papers, but that is so different than just going to a bar –even with the plan to get drunk and have sex with someone. It is just a totally different mental decision. And it is one that I think takes more… effort. Totally agree kerrycontrary.
This isn’t to say that it wouldn’t be easy to get a hooker for the night. It would. but the DECISION to do that is a much bigger/complicated decision than the one to sleep with the halfway decent looking person you are drunkenly talking to at the bar.
This. People are arguing over whether it’s easy to find a prostitute-y section of town & whatnot, but it’s really more of a mental hurdle, I’d say.
So this guy either—has been doing this so much, that there really wasn’t any mental hurdle at all for him, OR he made that hurdle in one day, due to anger. Both possibilities are not great for this LW.
Ok, this makes sense. It could be considered “going with the flow” to go home with a hot girl that’s into you, but it’s a decision to locate a prostitute.
Adding to the chorus, I feel like everyone has a sketchy friend or knows someone who knows someone. I have personally never done anything other than weed and have never had cause to get a hooker, but I could easily organize both or either in under 5 minutes. Especially the hooker. She could be on her way by then.
I’m inclined to think maybe he went to a prostitute to avoid any kind of potential feelings. If he picked up a girl at a bar or called an ex, etc. he would have had to deal with “the after” to some degree and he may have just wanted to have the physical interaction to distract him for a while. Maybe he was afraid of rejection from the other possibilities and knew a hooker was obviously a sure thing.
Um, no.
Wow way to bury some of the pertinent details in the last line of the letter. So besides sleeping with a prostitute and then you (yes even if you are broken up) he also has anger management problems. Seriously why are your with this guy? Also get tested ASAP.
You should delete this guys number, and never speak to him again. That’s what you should do.
I highly doubt you’ll do that though.
Listen, aside from the prostitute thing, you’ve already broken up several times. The relationship is not stable. Your “bf” is using being mad as an excuse for sleeping with a hooker. What else is he going to try to get away with?
Also, WTF is wrong with you? You slept with him the day after he had sex with a hooker? Which would have been 2 days after you broke up?! Get it together.
The thing that stood out the most to me isn’t the prostitute – it’s the fact that you don’t even know why you broke up with him! What the hell is that about? You just up and decided to break up with him one day without having a reason, or is it that you had a really good reason to break up that you don’t want us to know about? This doesn’t make sense. This is not the relationship for you if you’re behaving this way, and it sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship right now.
Break it off, don’t date anyone else, and get tested ASAP.
Yeah, I think the prostitute is the least of their problems. She talks about broken promises and anger management in addition to the fact that they break up a lot. Sounds like it’s time to let go.
It’s like she’s asking us how to work through the issue of the prostitute, but you can’t work through an issue like that when you have no foundation to rebuild trust on anyway.
Exactly.
Agreed… the LW needs to realize you can’t be in a relationship and break it off without knowing the reason and then get back together and pretend your ONLY problem is that he hired a prostitute.
Although I wouldn’t date the guy either, unless he was like super enlightened and made sure the sex worker hadn’t been trafficked or exploited or whatever before sleeping with her.
100% agree with this, theattack.
Yeah, the prostitute thing is super skeezy. But your next three paragraphs, LW, are way more telling. Dump him. Be alone for a while. Work on you. Then start dating again.
For reals – that’s almost where I stopped reading. I’m pretty sure if they have broken up a bunch of times before, she DOES know why she broke up with him this time. Here’s a relationship tip I just thought up: if you break up multiple times, it means your relationship needs to come to a *permanent* end.
Guys, guys, I got this one. LW, you should MOA.
If it’s ok, can I MOA to a deep thought I had this week that this letter reminded me of? There I was watching porn (yuck, still not into it, LBH, I don’t know what is wrong with me), and I wondered: why can a porn production company pay a woman to have sex with another porn actor but a pimp can’t pay a prostitute to have sex with a paying john? Remind me again the policy justification/concerns underlying why we allow porn but not prostitution? I forget.
Typically the pimp – working girl relationship isn’t really voluntary. A porn actor is typically there willingly. Also this country is massively screwed up.
No, because it’s unlawful to be a prostitute, not just to pay prostitutes. (They get in trouble too, not just the pimps and johns, right?) SOOOOOO, assuming prostitutes are prostitutes by choice…. Why still not ok? I’m not saying it should be or not, I just want an explanation that … satisfies me. So, what else? My mind is blank. But that’s because I’m dieting and all I can think about is food.
Yes, prostitutes are arrested and prosecuted for solicitation.
I have no good answer for why to grown-ups are breaking the law when they exchange money for sex. I think it’s stupid. The sex industry is a lot more complicated due to child abuse and sex slavery etc etc, but I personally beleive that the sex trade should be regulated, pay taxes on it etc. So, no good answer here other than perhaps the religious right has a foothold in this legislation.
well, depending on the situation, no, sometimes the prostitutes wont get in trouble. a LOT of times they are underage and are being forced in some way to do what they are doing, and in that situation there are foundations to help them get out of that life, go to school, ect..
The Pimp doesn’t pay the Prosty, right? Doesn’t the Prosty pay the Pimp? I don’t understand how any of that works.
Well ok if John pays Prosty, then she needs to give Pimp his cut. But if John pays Pimp directly, then Pimp pays Prosty her cut. … So, ok, it’s John paying the Prosty. So now why is that not ok but a “filmmaker” can pay a porn star?
I’d say maybe because the pornographer is paying BOTH parties? Or, he/she is paying ALL parties that are participating in the film. Basically, everyone who is having sex…is getting paid. Which is not the scenario in a prostitute/pimp/John situation.
This is my favorite explanation. I’ll go with that one. Now I am going to be productive today, ok everybody? Please no huge discussons, fights, debates, etc. today, ok??! I have too much to do. Plus I need to go get new tags for my cars so I could be in line for-ever. Actually that will be a good time to dearwendy. Ok, have a good day, all!
😀
I think we outlaw prostitution because most people are prudes. I’m in the camp that it should be legal and regulated, but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.
But if that’s why then wouldn’t those same prudes outlaw porn?
im pretty sure they would, and have tried before…
i guess more people like porn then who would outlaw it? lol
Prostitution can also be really dangerous for both the women and the men involved. STDs aside, prostitutes get killed/beaten up, a lot. I’m not saying porn isn’t dangerous but I don’t know enough to speak about it. I agree with theattack that there is a lot of human trafficking involved in prostitution. Plus “free agents” are sometimes doing it to get money for drugs, which could be argued that it enables their addiction. So…that’s why I think there should be legal brothels so men have an option for prostitutes when they want them instead of going to some 16 year old girl that has been abducted and pimped out (seriously, I’ve read and watched a lot on that).
They’ve tried before and will probably try again.
Theoretically, porn is consensual, and it’s just another job that the actors signed up for. Theoretically they want to do it, and it’s just a business transaction.
Prostitution in and of itself I don’t think is wrong, but when there is a hierarchy involved and a prostitute has a pimp, the pimp controls her. A woman acting as a free agent and charging for sex is just a business transaction (IMO), but when a pimp comes into the picture, so do a lot of human trafficky things. He can complain that she’s not getting enough business. He can force men on her. He can beat her for not getting enough business. She can pretty much become an indentured servant to her pimp. That’s not always how it goes, but having a pimp is putting a lot of trust for someone to not abuse their authority.
I said theoretically about all the porn stuff because a lot of that is human trafficking in disguise now too.
But prostitution is in and of itself unlawful. So in my scenario above let’s remove the pimp:
New question: Why can’t a prostitute accept money from a a guy looking to pay for sex but a porn star can accept money to have sex with another porn actor? For some reason I really need an explanation before I can get to work, ha. I am a master at distracting myself.
I don’t think it makes sense at all either, AP. In most places it’s legal to pay a stripper for a lapdance too. My new theory is that paid sex is only okay if the lawmakers get to see it too because they’re voyeurs.
well, in the countries where thats legal, that definitely happens.
i guess the why is because the USA holds really screwed up views on sex? and porn is like, not real sex, you know, so porn is ok-er, but actually making the sex industry fully legal would be too far for most people/politicans. thats my guess.
personally, i think it should be legal just because its never going away, its been happening since forever, and the fact that it is illegal is harming a lot of people..
Well…both porn actors are getting paid. So I guess theoretically they are getting paid for the filming, and not for the sex having? And you could just Google it 🙂
I will wait til I get home. Probably NSFW.
Prostitution is actually legal and regulated in some counties in Nevada.
Addie:
It isn’t legal to film porn everywhere even though it is legal to distribute it everywhere. The same way that prostitution is legal only in certain places.
Ok, ok, ok, i am getting to work, people. This brief is not going to write itself. I will schedule another time to worry about the rationale for various sex-related laws.
My guess is because you are paying them for the right to film them doing various things, rather than for the sex act itself. Which makes the sex acts themselves voluntary, uncompensated, uncontracted choices, while the filming of it is the contractual obligation. That’s how they can enforce the contracts without being void as illegal/lack of consideration.
that’s my guess.
It’s actually not legal to distribute everywhere. I knew someone who lived in the south (I want to say it was Texas or Alabama – i know…nowhere near one another) but he had to have people out of state buy him porn and to send it unmarked back to him. This was only a few years ago. Seems like such an antiquated law.
I think prostitution should be legal and regulated. There’s no reason 2 consenting adults shouldn’t be able to exchange money for sex.
Also, is everyone forgetting that it IS legal in parts of the U.S.? When I worked at the health department in Vegas we did a lot of testing for the working girls. They were all there voluntarily. They were safe. And they were required to use protection for everything. We didn’t see any disease coming out of the brothels. Legal is the way to go.
These are two separate, distinct issues. Porn is a freedom of speech first amendment issue. I don’t the basis for the legality of prostitution, but it seems to be legislated at the state level. It might be a commerce or health and safety issue.
I would guess, if I had to guess, that it’s an issue of health codes and regulation. I was under the impression everyone in the porn industry had to get tested for the basic STDs, but you couldn’t enforce that on customers in prostitution. Additionally, there are more people on a porn set and they’re all employed there, compared to a hotel room where a prostitute is working alone with a stranger as her customer, so it may be perceived as a safer working environment on a porn set… less likely to end up in a Jack the Ripper kind of scenario.
Those are just some thoughts; I don’t know what the actual reasons are, but it would make sense to me if those two things had something to do with it.
This is a clear MOA situation. Prostitute aside, this guy’s explanation for sleeping with someone else was that he was mad at you. Not good. Plus, you’ve been on and off throughout your relationship. Not good. Plus, you don’t know why you broke up in the first place. Not good. Plus, he’s got “anger management issues.” Not good. And finally, this sentence: “He made so many promises that he never even meant.” Not sure what this means, but it’s not good, either. In totality, while maybe one of these issues would be resolvable (“We were on a break!”), all together, they just say MOA and find someone you trust and who has at least a hint of impulse control. And, I agree that you should get tested for STDs. You’ll feel better if you know for sure.
The prostitute issue is not the main problem here. He’s got anger issues and lies to you. Why do you want him back? And to me, any couple that breaks up repeatedly does so for a reason and likely is just not going to work out. Also, I personally would not want to be with someone who picks up prostitutes, no matter whether it’s out of anger or sadness or whatever.
Also, yes, you should get tested and shouldn’t sleep with him unless he’s been tested.
so, the prostitute part, while adding shock value to your story, is really a moot point. the point is you “love deeply” a guy who you have a terribly tumultuous relationship with, who has apparent anger issues and who you break up with a lot. you broke up, yet again, and he slept with someone (again, prostitute part is moot. it could have been anyone in any situation, it doesnt matter), and then came back to you the next day.
this relationship is fucked up, LW. it just is. you should not act the way you are acting. i am pretty sure that this guy is not right for you, but i have to think that you are also not very healthy for him either. it takes two people to go through the immature breakup/get back together/breakup process, all the while professing your undying love for one another. its not healthy. break the pattern you have created, MOA, and figure out what is keeping you from having a full, healthy, adult relationship. then ease into one with someone who doesnt have anger issues. have higher standards. just grow up, overall.
Prostitute aside, this sounds like an awful relationship. You’re on and off and apparently don’t even know why. He sleeps with other women because he’s angry at you. He breaks promises and you don’t trust him because of this. He apparently has anger issues. I’m sure there’s more. What’s worth salvaging here? MOA. And get tested!
Do not drink any more of this koolaid. I don’t know how many ways you need to be shown that this relationship is a stinker. Unless you would enjoy a continuing diet of drama, acting out, anger issues and randomly occurring whores, kick this one to the curb.
That’s it in a nutshell. I’m then nking this mess appeals to the LW or she wouldnt still be around. Those who don’t run screaming from this unhealthy emotional turmoil need serious therapy. Good luck!
*thinking
To the LW— you’ve been on & off with this guy. You broke for a day, for a reason you claim to not even understand (which means it was impulsive, and that breaking up is probably the way both of you deal with arguments). You tell us that he has a history of making promises he doesn’t keep…and then tell us a bunch of promises he’s made this time (“I’ll do anything, I’ll go to anger management” etc.) I mean, come on. Do YOU think it’d be a good idea to get back with him?
The answer is no. MOA. Or, MOY, actually.
Gotta second Fabelle and many others here.
LW, learn the signs of manipulation. All these promises he’s making, the “I’d do anything to get you back” line – whether it’s this guy or another, those seemingly nice promises are red flags in disguise.
They’re not endearment. They’re not statements of love and devotion.
They are part of an aggressive sales pitch to get you to buy in to the idea that a relationship with him is worth any heartache he puts you through.
Promises like that show me the guy is desperate – not for you, but for control. Desperation is hardly an attractive quality, and you shouldn’t mistake your pity for love.
Going back to him is telling him that he can continue pulling this shit on you and get away with it. Get out now, before his manipulation can further twist your thoughts and ideas of what a good relationship looks like.
“a sales pitch to get you to buy in to the idea that a relationship with him is worth any heartache he puts you through”
i LOVE that. its so true, and applicable in so many cases… and, it shouldnt be that way. yes, there will always be something bad, some heartache, or something in a relationship- no one is perfect.. but the overall relationship should be worth it.
Ew. Go get yourself tested asap.
If you aren’t sure what the answer is here, I’m thinking then maybe you just might deserve this guy. Can people really be this dumb?
Please MOA already. If you already have a bunch of issues and he slept with a prostitute, it’s time to finally cut ties with him
You break up and HOURS later he’s knee deep in a hooker?
It’s simple.. MOA PLEASE!
I need to bleach my brain after that mental image ugggggggh gross knee deep
Ick. Total dealbreaker and total lack of self control for this dude. MOA.
*Facepalm* MOA and get therapy to figure out why you have no respect for yourself.
I have to second everyone else here. Sleeping with the prostitute is only the tip of the iceberg. Technically, you were broken up when he did it, so really he’s free to do what he wants. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. I would be pretty hurt if my ex immediately went out and slept with someone, prostitute or not. If he had done it while you were together, that would be a different issue. But, what bothers me is first, you say that you don’t know why you broke up, you just did. I think maybe you aren’t listening to your gut that is telling you to MOA from him. You say he has anger management issues. He makes promises he doesn’t keep. You say this is not the first time you’ve broken up. Why do you stay? Has this kind of drama become the norm for you? I like kerrycontrary’s suggestion: break up with him for good, tell him to go work on his issues and come back in a year. In the meantime, you go work on your issues and figure out why you allow someone to treat you this way.
Yes, LW, move on. Of course you may still love him deeply, and that’s what’s so hard, but loving someone ‘deep down’ doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love yourself or love the promise of a real, healthy relationship and what it means. And when loving someone means neglecting your own self-respect (and his worth, too, if you are driven to behave in reckless ways in the relationship), the right thing to do is walk away. It’s really hard, but it’s necessary for a good life in the long run, for both of you.
Both of you seem to have some problems to focus on. He has anger issues, a problem with making/breaking promises, and apparently he acts impulsively in response to challenges/setbacks (like hitting up a prostitute in response to yr most recent breakup), and you, LW, have an issue with self-honesty, at the very least. As Regina Rey pointed out, if you don’t know why you broke up and keep breaking up, it’s probably because you just have a recurring gut feeling to get away. And you should examine that, in all its facets. If you really love him and want to be with him, then when challenges come up, you use skills to get through them—-you step back and think, you communicate, you compromise…but you don’t use ‘we’re breaking up’ as a way to close the argument or control the conversation. You use ‘we’re breaking up’ when you’re ready to end a relationship, really, finally, and forever. My rule of thumb is pretty basic: don’t say that unless you mean it and are ready to stick with it. don’t break up with someone unless you are ready to be done.
Love is that intangible thing, but it also gets easily mixed up with familiarity and comfort. Loving someone can be liberating, or it can keep you imprisoned in unhealthy patterns, keep you fooled by becoming a rationale for putting up with someone’s hurtful behavior, or expecting them to put up with yours. If you leave this relationship, take some time to do some serious self-searching, and emerge back on the dating scene with new perspective and wisdom, you will find yourself in love again, and hopefully without all the drama and pain.
Honestly, I see the prostitute issue as the more minor of the red flags. More indicative that you should MOA is that he lies, never follows through on promises and you’ve already broken up a bunch of times.
So I married a guy who once paid for sex.
Hearing his experiences regarding the ladies (way way WAY before we even met), it sounds like if he had to do it all over again, he would have kept the money. We have had discussions on what drove him to think that paying for sex was the only way for him to obtain human sexual contact (he inherited a lot of money, he didn’t think anyone would want him, he had a hard time finding a desirable partner, he felt awkward around woman and couldn’t properly communicate with them, he viewed women as objects). A man that recognizes his mistakes and betters himself is one I can have in my life, especially if he demonstrates loyalty and hard work in the process. The guy he was when he saw the prostitute was totally different five years later, when he became the guy I met and eventually married.
LW, I’m not saying your boyfriend is not a guy who can work on bettering himself to be the man you want to be. Yet why are you settling on an obvious work-in-progress when you can focus your energy on the guy who will already be the man for you? You owe it to yourself to find the partner you need now, not one who will drag you down to his level. Yes, he may recognize his mistake and try to better himself, yet if he’s not willing to work on your relationship and demonstrate loyalty when he’s not with you (not even a full day after you guys broke up), how certain can you be that he’ll do so when you’re together? In the future, he may be the man you want, but he’s not the guy right now. Life is too short to be wasting your time with someone like that…and you should MOA accordingly.
Do on-again, off-again relationships ever work out? Other details aside. If you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, you are too immature to be in a relationship. Breaking up should not be the default way in which you deal with relationship problems.
I’m curious, though, does anyone have a success story with an on-again, off-again relationship? I can understand breaking up ONCE and getting back together and having it work out, but more than once? Sounds like an automatic, no questions asked, “MOA”.
I agree with you completely. I think it’s interesting to even talk about an on-again off-again relationship working out because by definition they frequently stop working. It’s not like a typical relationship where you say “If you have X problem, it will eventually creep up on you, and the relationship will stop working.” With this type of relationship, it has ALREADY stopped working over and over again.
I have no sucess tale. My ex and I broke up and got back together nightly. Part of the reason why he is an ex- he couldn’t address and work through problems…he’d break up, the next morning appologize say I was right (no matter what) then we’d get back together and a week later same bullshit. Ugh, he sucked.
A guy I dated for like 2 months when I was in college broke up with me to get back together with his girlfriend from high school/early college. He and this girl were on/off for during that time. (I think they dated for a a year and a half or so when they were about 17/18 and would CONSTANTLY break up and get back together.) They broke up “for good” and were still friends with bens for a year or two, at which point I came into the picture, became friends with him, and we started dating (in the process, I made them realize how much they wanted to be together or something…? Not sure.). They got back together (officially) and they’re still holding strong like 5? years later without doing the on/off things. Whether or not they’re in it for the long haul at this point, I don’t know, but they did stop their on/off cycle and seem to be working out. They may be the exception because 1) they were really young when they started dating, and 2) they (kinda) took a legitimate break from one another. So, there’s one story!
That makes sense. It feeds into my theory that immature (or in their case, young) people are often involved in on/off relationships. Too immature to deal with relationship issues, so you just break up by default. You can definitely grow out of that, but unfortunately some people never do.
Another logical explanation for OA/OA relationships would be fear of commitment. I think that also falls into the “immature” category, though!
Jesus H. Christ, I’m late to this party…and what a party it is!
“I have no idea why we broke up.” Except then you say that you broke up with HIM. So, you do know why you broke up with him. You’re just scared shitless to admit the reason to yourself.
Is the reason you dumped your on-again, off-again boyfriend possibly because you get a deep, overwhelming, too-scary-to-admit-so-I’ll-live-in-denial kind-of-feeling that it’s just WRONG for you? That maybe it isn’t healthy? That maybe you need to examine your life and your shit and get said shit together?
I think you know that’s the reason. Or part of the reason. C’mon, LW. You know this situation is all sorts of fucked up. You know this isn’t healthy. You know you personally need to get to work on yourself. So what’s stopping you? Fear?
Fear is normal. Fear is healthy. What’s not healthy is allowing fear to keep you attached to an on-again-off-again boyfriend who pays for sex the day after you break up with him. What’s not healthy is allowing your fear to guide you to accept the whole “But babe, I thought of you the WHOLE TIME I had my dick in her! I swear!”
Tell your fear, and your boyfriend, to shove it up their asshole, or another hooker. Who cares? Because you’re long gone…and hopefully seeing a wonderful therapist.
I love it when RR comments! It is possible, though, that the LW has no idea why they broke up. They could have been high for days and woken up to this mess. It’s possible. It’s particiularly possible with these two clowns.
Or stoned or whatever you call it – but seriously messed up so days escaped them and they remember nothing. And then they woke up to a bunch of texts and receipts and were like “whoa, we broke up! whoa, you paid a hooker! whoa!”
maybe it was meth
This is the best explanation. Yes.
Yeaaaaaaaah that’s gross. MOA.
Why do you say “if” he used a condom, don’t you know? Why did you wait until the end of the letter to say that you break up a lot and he has anger issues? This relationship is a dumb idea. The prostitute thing is irrelevant. The real problem is his anger issues, your lack of communication, and both of your apparent inability to solve disagreements in a healthy manner.
So … your boyfriend ran to a prostitute after not even a FULL DAY of breakup? I see so many problems with this.
He has a prostitute’s information and just happened to get serviced by her later that day? Do you know what kinds of prostitutes don’t take appointments/take last-minute appointments? Here’s a hint, it’s not the classy kind. Even barring that, it’s pretty gross that the first thing he does after your relationship ends is bone someone else by paying for it.
He’s offering to go to anger management or church (WTF?) … but like, neither of those things will change the fact that he f’d a hooker.
LW, MTFOA (move the fuck on already)! This is way too much drama
MOA. Simple as that LW. Have self respect and also get tested.
I don’t know what’s worse… the fact that he tried to pass it off as somehow better that “it was only for 5-7 minutes and I thought of you the whole time” or that the LW seems to think that is actually a good sign that he was thinking of her while sticking his dick in another woman.
MOY MOY MOY!!!!!
“You thought of me while you were sticking you penis into her gaping prostitute vagina? Babe, you’re so sweet! THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING!”
That’s all I can think of when I hear something along the lines of “I thought of you the whole time” argument…
If you are off and on again then thats a sign you need to stay off.
Seriously, MOA. I agree with the other posters that this probably isn’t his first visit to a pro, but my guess is he came clean about this visit because something was different — he didn’t use a condom, he wasn’t as careful, it broke, whatever — and he’s covering his ass in case he got an STD.
Either you are on a break — or you’re not. I am so sick of letters where people seemingly expect fidelity while on a break. It’s plain idiotic.
Or the outrage that something happened only a day after a break or breakup. There’s no waiting period.
If neither of you has any idea of why you broke up, you’ve got bigger problems than his visiting a prostitute during the break.
Ugh, LW, first things first, get yourself tested for STD’s and definitely use protection from now on if you are sleeping with him.
I think it sounds like this is an unhealthy relationship that should be over, but I’m grumpy today so my comment is probably colored by that.
To me this was the line that resonated most: “Honestly, we have no idea why we broke up — we just did. ” So in this order, please:
1. Get tested for STDs.
2. Kick dude to curb.
3. Go to therapy and work on why you manufacture drama in your relationships and act without thinking.
I’m going to comment before reading the other comments because I’m not sure if I’ll read them, just because it’s a subject that can still sometimes be raw for me.
My husband cheated (not just on a break) with numerous sex workers.
I don’t know about where you are but for me, I was actually comforted by that, regarding the STI issues. The reason being, here women are not sex workers just because they are strung out drug addicts desperate to do anything to keep getting drugs. Most of them are poor or lacking ambition or the economy simply sucks and they’re open to it so they do it. They use condoms much more religiously than the random hot casual sex FWB girl at the bar kind of sex partners.
Every woman I know who got an STI from her partner cheating on her, got it from him doing a random woman he met, or a coworker, or a “friend.” Not one from her guy being with a sex worker. And I actually know more who have boyfriends who were with sex workers than the opposite (because sex work is quasi legal where I live).
Personally, I think you’re focusing on the sex work part of it, and not the fact you’re just devastated your boyfriend had sex with someone else, or tried to, or whatever. Because the truth is he’s right. You really were on a break. You don’t get to complain about that. Now do you get to decide you don’t want to be with a guy who sleeps with sex workers? Sure. But make sure you know what you’re actually talking about for your area and situation, don’t go basing your opinion all on stereotypes and what you think you know.
That said I don’t know why the fuck he told you. I’m trying to figure out exactly what good he thought would come out of that. Good Lord.
Move on. Not because he slept with a prostitute, but because you are in an on and off relationship where you break up for a “day” and there is other drama. Also, maybe I’m the only one but I’d be less pissed that he slept with a call girl than with a friend or eff buddy. If it was someone he knew, chances are their relationship had been bordering on inappropriate for quite some time (that said, you did BREAK UP so….)
To be honest, you have a pretty judgmental tone in this letter towards sex workers. Check out Dan Savage sometimes. One of my friends wrote an in-depth articles on sex workers and got to know several girls (these were mostly high-class call girls)…Many are fastidious about using protection and being tested. A lot of sex workers are professionals and are normal people. Yes, there are many poor girls who are on the streets and do that sort of work out of sheer desperation or because they have a drug habit…and there are some who fall into it due to circumstances even if there are other opportunities available (e.g. one girl preferred it over her retail mall job) or because they actually like it. Regardless of the situation, those women (and men) are worthy of basic human respect and not “Ew, my ex slept with a gross hooker”.
Among the other issues that bother her, this guy isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. Having revenge sex with someone else is pretty common for guys AND gals, but to let her know what he did has to be the dumbest move in his bag of tricks.
I don’t think it’s possible for you to get the icky-ness out of your brain. I’ve been broken up for a few days with several partners (yeah, I have issues too) but they didn’t sleep with a fucking hooker! I don’t believe it was that impulsive (and if it was impulsive, then maybe he has other issues), I think it was premeditated.
You guys have been in an on and off relationship by your own admission. I used to have this same problem but that is a sign of bigger underlying problems that won’t be resolved simply with time.
Please just MOA. There actually ARE men who will not drag you around and don’t seek out hookers (even if on a break). You have to believe that you are worth more than you currently think.
I know this thread is kind of over, so most likely this comment won’t be seen, but I have to say it:
To those of you that said “EW” or “icky” or “go get tested ASAP” in your comment (or implied it) because the woman her bf slept with was a sex worker, SHAME ON YOU.
The myth that sex workers are a vector of disease is just that: a myth. It’s a myth that perpetuates stigma and keeps sex workers from being able to receive proper health care and proper police protection. It’s a myth that encourages dehumanization, harassment, and violence.
if you think the LW should be concerned about STIs, then maybe it’s because her bf had sex with another woman – no matter what her profession. As one commentator said above, it is much more likely that the sex worker would use a condom. Because that is her JOB.
I agree that it’s wrong to say “Ew” about sex workers, but we tell LWs to get tested all the time. Giving that advice here isn’t wrong just because the woman was a sex worker. It’s still very valid and important advice.
I totally agree – that’s why I addressed that to those who said get tested BECAUSE she is a sex worker. Obviously, getting tested is always a smart idea.
If you have a moment, I’d be interested to hear more about the prevention of health care for sex workers due to the myth that sex workers can be a disease vector for STIs. Is it just that the profession is illegal, or are there specific laws that a concerned citizen could target that prevent sex workers from purchasing health insurance? (Or is it considered a pre-existing condition or too high-risk a profession or something along those lines for insurance companies to take the chance on someone? I think I’ve heard that about pro wrestlers – that they can’t get health insurance because their job is too high-risk.)
Well, I’m sure there is a lot of other literature out there, but the stuff I’m the most familiar with is about stigma – so for example, an intervention meant to promote health among sex workers might not be utilized because sex workers may be scared to associate themselves with such a label. Isolation and fear of being “outed” can impinge upon the ability and willingness of sex workers to access social services and health initiatives, and also to disclose important information to medical professionals. A lot of these initiatives also kind of reproduce the same tropes – that sex workers only need services for STIs, HIV, and/or drug use, when in reality, sex workers need comprehensive health care that might include things like annual physicals, cancer screenings, mental health services, and so on (just like people that aren’t sex workers!). And finally, reports of violence from sex workers are often not taken seriously by police, and violence is drastically underreported because sex workers may fear being arrested and/or blamed.
As to your question about the actual purchase of health insurance, I’m not sure. Although I would be willing to bet that street-level sex workers cannot afford such high premiums, and that sex workers who can afford it are most likely not disclosing their work to the insurance company..?