Your Turn: “I Want My Ex Back”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
The day after we broke up, he started dating this other girl, let’s call her “Rachael,” and it broke my heart. I knew that Rachael had a crush on him when I was dating him and, when I asked my ex why he was with me and not her, he literally sat in my car and listed off the reasons why he doesn’t like her.
Do you think I should sit down and talk to him? I loved him, and I would like nothing more than to be back with him, but, if he’s happy with her, I would just like to know so I can know he’s happy and move on. — First Broken Heart
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Sorry hon, but if he started dating Rachael THE DAY AFTER he broke up with you, I´m guessing that´s probably why he dumped you, NOT because “he thought you were going to dump him”.
You´re so very very young, I promise you will get over this soon. And before you know it you´ll meet someone a lot better for you. 🙂
I should add: No, don´t talk to him. The only way to get over a broken relationship is space, and time. Surround yourself with friends and make fun plans, even if you don´t feel like it. Fake it until you make it.
In the forums there are a lot of posts about getting over breakups, read them.There is some great advice in there.
LW, you’ll be over it by xmas, I promise! (I hope, anyway.) I feel some deep thoughts coming on that I must share. …. I’m envious of how quickly youngins’ get over shit. What happened 1 year ago feels like yesterday to me but a lifetime ago for a high schooler. Lucky bastards. Kind of related, it’s funny how kids think the next 6 months or 1 year is a huge chunk of time. Like, they won’t study abroad for a semester b/c they don’t want to leave their significant others. Or they’ll decorate their dorm room with all this shit – when they know they gotta leave in a year. I remember my senior year of college I was living in an apartmeng – an apartment we knew we’d be vacating in 9 MONTHS – yet we painted, hung shit, framed shit, bought little stuff to go here and there. What idiots. Because we just had to box all that up and move it in 9 months. If I were to start college today, I probably wouldn’t do anything to the place and just bring a suitcase of crap b/c the thought of having to move all that stuff in a blink of an eye (ie, in 4 years) makes my stomach hurt. I had this deep thought last night when I was unpacking all these boxes that had been stored at my moms for the last 10 years that she dumped off with me now that i finally have a place big enough to store my shit. And in those boxes were all these posters and prints i had in college; i couldn’t believe i went to all the trouble to frame/hang them, etc. when I knew i’d be moving on in a few months…. My point is: i did it b/c the end of the year felt like an ETERNITY to my 21 year old self.
There’s your daily dose of AP’s not-so-deep, yet super deep, stream of conscious for ya. I’m sure it’s relevant to something in this letter. Or not. Ok, I gotta wrap up work so I can rush to O’Hare so I can get stranded there b/c that is a Thanksgiving tradition of mine – getting stranded at airports. I secretly love it though! All the people, all the chaos, all the delays, all the bad food to eat at airports, all the bad magazines to read, all the games to make up to pass time — so fun! So fun b/c there’s absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. My life needs more downtime like that.
Geez, I’m so random today.
I love your randomness AP and couldn’t agree more (i lived far away from college so every year was a huge production that looking back makes no sense at all).
I swear the purpose of college is to obtain free t-shirts and posters. You should just show up with a set of sheets wrapped around you togo style, shower shoes & caddy, bookbag, cell phone and $$ and call it a day.
Addie:
So my youngest Sister just got engaged and we are all officially married and or living on our own. Tomorrow, my mother is making us all go through “The basement” to get our stuff out for good. Then and only then will she feed us thanksgiving dinner. We need to double check to see what we want but honestly, if I haven’t looked at it in 10 years, it probably isn’t worth keeping. It is going to be a time capsule. I am praying that I won’t find a bong or condoms. yikes!
Ha! Sounds like my mom’s basement. I’d be scared of what I might find too…
I used to hide stuff in the ceiling tiles of the basement. If anyone ever decides to look, or change the ceiling, they’re in for a surprise.
That is what I am nervous about. Honestly, I had a crush on “The Rock” for awhile in College. So people kept buying me gag gift posters an action figures. I finally had to put a stop to it because I started to look like I had a problem. What if all of that is there?
That is truly one of the adult milestones: your parents give you all your shit and say “it’s your problem now, bitch!” or in their words “here’s all your boxes of stuff.” I had so much fun laughing at what a nerd my husband is when we got his boxes. Although I was amazed at how much stuff I had from 13-15. I didn’t start working until I was 15- where did I get all those candles?
Ha! the candles thing is probably so true! I bet there are a million of them. Since I am the oldest, I think my stuff was there a lot longer than most because my youngest sister is now 25 so we all are getting kicked out.
My mom made me take everything that was mine in the house when I moved into my first apartment, post college. Things like: a bin of stuffed animals I want to pass on to my kids (mainly b/c my mom passed them to me) and Xmas decorations that have been in the family for years and stuff like that. I’ve been carting this stuff around from apartment to apartment, from city to city, for 6 years. Some of it is pretty ridiculous.
I have these Harrod’s teddy bears that my dad would bring me when he traveled to England. I want to decorate my future child’s nursery with them 🙂
I usually go through a box every time I’m home, and it’s awesome. I took a lot of the embarrassing teenage stuff a long time ago, so now I’m left with poems about my dead hamster that I wrote in 3rd grade (seriously, found one of those last time). I was an odd child.
Haha. I lost a hamster too and was sure it was just hibernating and my mom let me keep it for a couple days, til it looked very clearly dead (and smelly). Such a good mom 🙂 She passed it to me. I’ve been replacing the same goldfish for 6 years now. SIX YEARS! I have issues.
That is amazing! Dead Hamster poems are too fun.
I had a dead hamster poem too! It went like this:
I had a hamster named Tapioca.
She was orange and white.
She liked to sleep in the corner all day,
and run in her wheel at night.
And there was some more that I forgot. She died of wet tail, which is essentially diarrhea, so I think I mentioned poop somewhere.
I dig your mom’s style… holding the turkey and stuffing over your head is genius!
She is really serious, We are to get there at 12 and dinner is at 5! she is having the “kids” go through the stuff and the “spouses” decorate the house for Christmas. No such thing as a free dinner 🙂
smart woman!
My mom was helping me move once and she was cleaning under the bed and found condom wrappers. Embarrassing! When you move a lot, keep your shit together! And clean before your parents come to help you move. 🙂 What I do nowadays is keep everything I wouldn’t want them to find in one drawer, and then when it’s time to move, I put it all in a box and stick it in my trunk or something, where they’re not going to see it.
one time, over summer during college, my parent’s basement flooded and she quickly opened boxes trying to save things. One box had a vibrator right there! now, here is the good news, under that was my bowl and a small amount of weed. Now, the vibrator stopped her from looking further and she just shyly told me she hadn’t looked in that box. So in a wierd way, it saved me. I think back and just shake my head at my young self.
Oh god, this reminds me of what happened after my parents came to help me move out after my first year at college. Story time!
My roommate & I at the time were both really messy and kind of assholes. We shared a bathroom with the R.A., which sucked, but we managed to still party all the time. The R.A. HATED us & frequently left passive aggressive notes for us on the bathroom mirror. “The cleaning supplies are under the sink, you guys” etc.
We wound up collecting every note & sticking them up on our wall in this artful collage (I mentioned we were assholes, right?) Well, the problem was that ONE of the notes went something like this: “When I was in the shower this morning, I looked down to find A USED CONDOM. This is DISGUSTING.”
Well, I’m not gonna say which one of us had that shower encounter (;) but we obviously thought that note was the most hilarious thing ever, & hung up alongside the rest. The year went on uneventfully, & when the semester was over, my whole family came to help me move out. I had forgotten about the note shrine, but my brother’s girlfriend noticed it right away. All of a sudden, I see her giggling into her hand & I’m like “Oh, shit!” & start ripping it off the wall. Thankfully, the only other family member who saw it was my mom, and she was just like “oh…my….” Still– very embarrassing! AH!
Been through this too. Its funny how I expected my mom to store 3000 stuffed animals that ALL had sentimental value, yet when she forced me to take them, 90% of them all of a sudden were no longer important 🙂
I did find a positive to having divorced parents though…all of the things that had our family name were given to me (ornaments, mostly) so that was cool. I admit I save everything though. I still have notes passed in class in a bin in storage. Unfortunately, my “baby” announced she wants to get the stuffed animals out of her room now that she’s a tween, according to her (she’s not!). I think she saw the despair in my eyes because later that day, she said she might want to keep come in her room still.
I’m not going to say you need to let him go because of your ages, because that would just be patronizing. What I am going to do is list the reason s you say in your letter, which make him not a good boyfriend for you to have:
‘He did it because he thought I was going to break up with him, but I wasn’t.’ – this really sucks. What, he didnt want to be the dumpee, so he’ll just break your heart?
‘ I know that’s not a lie because that’s the reason he gave his best friend who later told me.’- you should be able to trust that your boyfriend tells YOU the truth, not his best friend.
‘The day after we broke up, he started dating this other girl’ – nope. he liked her for a while, he likes her now. He is not unhappy, at least for no reason that you have said here. She didnt trap him into going out with him, he chose her.
You will be fine. You will get over him. Distract yourself, let yourself be sad, but dont ask for him to get back with you.
I wouldn’t waste your time talking to him and trying to get back together with him. Like JK said above, if he’s already dating this girl 1 day after you broke up, chances are that he didn’t love you the way you loved him.
I know I’m going to sound like an old lady, but you’re so young, you have so much time to date and have fun and meet new people… It would really be a shame to waste your youth pining away for this guy. Go out with your friends, have fun and meet new people. I know you’re sad about the break up, but you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can get over it if you force yourself to move on.
Seriously. It´s not “move on because you´re young”. But move on because the guy is an ass that dumped you for another girl, take advantage of your youth to have fun.
People talk about closure but honestly, I don’t believe that talking things over with an ex ever works. It might only work years later but not when you are emotionally involved. Right now with high emotions, he will lie to you to cause the least amount of drama and to justify his actions. These things happen and you need to accept that.
When someone breaks up with you – and I know this is hard to believe – but it doesn’t matter what they say. They can say anything they want. They can tell a version of the truth to make you feel better, they can spin things to make themselves look good, they can outright lie. To you, to his best friend, even to himself. What matters are actions. In this case, he broke up with you and then the very next day started seeing another girl. That is what you judge him on, sweetie. And a boy that would break up with you and date some else he had previously spoken badly about the very next day isn’t a boy that is good enough for you. Don’t give him another thought and don’t speak to him about the break up. Try to put everything behind you. And a little piece of advice for you? The next boy you date – make sure he is kind more than he is anything else. A kind boy wouldn’t sit in a car with you and list of reasons to hate another girl when he could have instead listed off the amazing things he likes about you.
I nominate for comment of the week. Seriously brilliant. Where were you when I was dating?
I was probably off learning the hard way too! I agree with you that it would have been great to have a community like this when we were younger… and confused about why a boy’s words didn’t match his actions. Actions always trump! That would have been great to know at 17.
You are right. I was getting advice from friends who knew less than me!
That’s a good thing to know at any age.
WCSPS! Good one, FireStar.
Seconded for comment of the week!
Wonderful, wonderful comment and great advice, as well.
yesssssssssssss
Agreed. The only thing they say that matters is “I don’t want to be with you anymore.” Listen to that.
I loved my first boyfriend, too. I mean I really loved him. I knew I loved him because I’d never felt that way about anyone before. I knew I loved him because of how much it hurt when he broke up with me, and because of how long it took me to finally get over him.
6-ish years later, I know now I didn’t have a clue. If anybody could hurt me that badly (he also started dating another girl about a week later), with such a lame excuse to break up (he told me he had too much going on at school — really…), then was any part of our “love” even real? Probably not. It sounds insensitive, I realize this, but: 17 year old love is far different from adult love. And it takes growing up to realize that.
You will be fine. Without him. Be strong this time, and then every future heartache or breakup will be a little bit easier.
I don’t know, ES, I still feel the sting of my first love at age 14. It’s decades later, and I now know she would have been completely wrong for me, and besides, we were 14, but what I felt was still real. I’ve never completely gotten over anyone I ever loved, friend or lover.
I think love is love, but i still agree with you that it is only one part of what makes a relationship actually work. It’s OK to admit that you really loved someone but know that it could not work. LW, you will be fine, and this guy is not being honest with you, but I understand that your feelings are just as real at 17 as at any age.
I have to disagree that teenage love is different from adult love. I was a teenager when my husband and I started dating and I loved him then, I love him now. Our relationship has grown up, and we have but the bond we have hasn’t changed. The feelings I had then were very much real. Many people don’t meet their spouse that young (I was 19, a little different than 17 but honestly not that much different in my life) and many people haven’t matured enough to be in that kind of relationship but their feelings are still legitimate.
Exactly. I was 22 when i first met my now wife, still not REALLY that much older than the LW. I am 46 now and have been with her for 24 years. That’s as real as it gets.
Of course it was real! Just because it ended doesn’t mean there wasn’t something real and true there. It was just at a different intensity and pace. There are high school boyfriends of mine that taught me so much about relationships and love and passion. My first boyfriend kissed me in a movie theater and touched me between my butt and thigh. That still gets me worked up 15 years later because it was the first time I had ever felt that passion physically. that was very real even if I have no idea where he lives and what he is doing now.
I also disagree that teenage love is different from adult love. Love is love. But I do have to say, if it is different at all, it is that teenage love is more magical. It truly is. Love is love, but some of that magic (of youth, innocence, first-timeness, etc) is unique to teenage love in a really special way. LW, enjoy what you shared with him; let it always be a special memory for you. In the end, it won’t matter why you broke up, or even that you broke up at all–just that you had it and in its teenage wonder, it was wonderful.
I’m sorry LW, but I wouldn’t waste time talking with him about this. Hold your head up high & move on. He’s fickle & that’s kind of common with people as young as you guys (not to sound all distant & old, which I’m sure is how a lot of us are coming off right now)
Look, the excuse that he broke up with you because he though you were gonna break up with him? That’s probably bullshit, & just because he told his best friend the same thing doesn’t make it the “real” reason. Now… I’m not even suggesting that he was maliciously lying or anything! it’s just that sometimes I think ONLY the breaker-upper (we made this a word yesterday, right?) knows the true, deep-down-inside reason for wanting to end the relationship.
So really, there’s no sense in dwelling on it, looking for closure, or dragging it on by trying to talk him back into your life. It will hurt for a while, you might get angry, & then you’ll realize you’re better off. Hurry that process along by not having a sit-down talk with the guy who broke your heart.
Second the motion on day 2 – breaker-upper is officially a word – though in looking it up I don’t think we were as original as we thought.
There appears to be a Nurse Jackie episode with that title, websites about how to be a good or bad one, and my personal fave – THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT!
I’m killing time before early dismissal at work today, so let me know if anyone else has any research needs 😉
I’m buying a onesie for my unborn child that says “there’s a nap for that.” Just so you know.
Now that is the kind of clever in baby wear that I can appreciate!
adorable!
Hell, I could use a polo shirt with “there’s a nap for that” that I could wear to work. I <3 naps.
LW, no matter what he said to his friend, you don’t know why your boyfriend broke up with you. For all you know him thinking that you were going to break up with him was just an excuse or one reason in many.
If you try to win him back, you’re putting him in a position of having to reject you all over again and he might not be so kind this time. Do you really want to know the reason? People drift apart. The two-year age different that didn’t matter that much when you were both in high school might seem insurmountable now that he’s graduate and in college or working. Maybe he wanted to date Rachael more than he wanted to stay with you. Maybe he liked her the whole time but listed all those reasons that he didn’t like her just to reassure you.
The bottom line is, he wouldn’t have broken up with you, let alone start dating someone else immediately, unless he was really serious about it.
First love is amazingly intense. It changes your whole world and opens up all sorts of possibilities! The sad thing is, this means that the almost always inevitable end of those first loves are equally intense. You can’t do anything to lesson your pain except give yourself time and space, but you can make things harder on yourself. As much as you’d like to hang onto the hope that this break-up was some terrible mistake on his part, it probably wasn’t. Chasing him will most likely lead to him rejecting you a second time, and who needs that! Lay low, hang out with girlfriends, let yourself be sad for a while and things will get better. Just give it some time!
I wouldn’t be so sure that was his honest reason, just because it’s what he told his best friend. Maybe he wanted to make himself look better. As they say, actions speak louder than words, and the fact that he’s not with you and is with this other girl is all you really need to know. And If he honestly broke up with you solely because he thought you were going to do it first, then he’s a moron and lacks all communication skills. Either way, you can do better.
I know that it’s going to feel like you won’t be able to find anyone else you like as much or who is as good a fit, but that’s just a feeling. It’ll go away and you’ll find someone new, who is hopefully better than this guy.
LW, I’m so sorry about your breakup. Reading your letter brought back vivid memories of when my first love and boyfriend dumped me when I was 20. I had never experienced such pain in my life. I really feel for you. What helped me get over my ex was ceasing all communication with him and his loyal friends (because you will find out who your loyal friends are when you breakup) and the passage of time. Relationships don’t always go the distance, but that doesn’t make them failures. Each new experience teaches us about life and helps us grow as individuals. Surround yourself with your friends and family during this painful time and do activities that make you happy. Good luck LW
Oh sweetie. It’s going to be ok. As someone who just recently went through my first heartbreak in the past week, I feel for you more than you know.
My suggestion? Move on. There’s a reason why he went out and dated a girl the DAY AFTER you broke up. Through that he shows you just how much he wasn’t invested in your relationship. Do you really want to waste more time with this guy?
I know it’s hard. Trust me. I’ve cried more in the past 3 days than I have in the past 3 years combined. I felt completely broken and hopeless because we had been dating for 3 1/2 years. I was convinced he was the man who I was going to marry. He had told me that’s what he wanted too. Yet, as I reflect on the relationship, I’ve realized how much it wasn’t going work. I would have had to sacrifice too much of myself to make it work with him.
Do things for you. Lean on your friends and family. Cry as much as you need to. But don’t wait for him. Don’t let him control your life. Realize that YOU are the only one who has control of your life. You can do this.
The fact that he was so disloyal to his new girlfriend as to tell you all the reasons he doesn’t like her means this guy is a bad egg. If he’ll talk about her behind her back, he will do the same to you. This guy has poor character and does not deserve to be your boyfriend.
Still an indication of poor character, but I think a lot of people trash talk someone they want to bang/they are cheating with in a sad attempt to throw off their current S.O.
Lesson Learned… don’t read into things or take words over demonstrated actions! He may have said a lot of nice things, but his actions say he isn’t interested in being serious or really respecting you. He blamed you for breaking up with you… despite your feelings you remain still broken up and he’s dating someone else… he doesn’t want to be with you and rather than be honest he pushed the responsibility onto you… that’s an old trick but one you will have to get used to sadly. I suggest skimming through He’s Just not that Into you for starters and if you want more advanced reading into how men and relationships can be challenging google “gaslighting” so you can start to see the signs early 🙂
Oh, and don’t communicate via your ex’s best friends – they are not necessarily on your side and have no reason to be honest with you. Let it go.
Sorry LW. Even if he did come back to you, why would you want him? He’s playing games, aim higher.
Cut off all contact. Chances are he dumped you to date her. My first love did the same thing and the sooner I accepted it, the sooner I could move on.
LW, the best thing you can do is move on. Love always feels like it’ll last forever but the sad truth is that sometimes, it doesn’t. And the pain of it was probably made 10x worse by the fact that he started dating someone the day after, right? I was in a similar situation where I had been dumped by someone who I thought would be the love of my life, only to see him get together with someone he told me he “thought was a lesbian” only weeks later. It really sucks, but it speaks more to his character. Someone like that is someone you don’t want around, trust.
So, where do you go from here? Cut all contact! For real, I know that’s what literally everyone tells you to do, but it is so true! The best thing you can do to take care of yourself is to erase him from your life for the time being. Talking to him right now would be the worst thing you could do. I held on for way too long with the guy I mentioned above, trying to be friends, and it honestly made things a million times worse. Its not worth your sanity to hold onto this guy. It is going to be really hard to just cut him out of your life all of a sudden, but you have to make the effort to do it. Only then will you be able to find (and appreciate!) someone new who deserves to be with you.
Honey, you need to move on. The reason he is with her and not you is because he wants to be. His line of “he thought you were going to break up with him” is bullshit. It’s immature. It’s going to be a little difficult in the beginning but I promise you, leaving this a clean break is the right thing to do. You’ll move on faster, grow up faster and have new and better life experiences if you leave this in the dust. Make up a “break-up cd” (do people still do cd’s? break-up playlist then.) of all the songs you like that basically say you’re better without him and then play that every time you get sad.
No relationship is a failure as long as you learn something from it.
“No relationship is a failure as long as you learn something from it.”
THIS. I need to learn this. Thanks lemongrass! I needed to hear this today.
I think it’s a break-up play list now. 😉
I wish I was 17….so much time ahead of you, so much fun…enjoy meeting guys without being attached. It will work out for the best in the end.
First loves are always hard to get over, plain and simple. They always leave those sweet memories that you look back on fondly and go “Awwww….” Remember those times that you and your boyfriend had and don’t let them be over shadowed by anger or hurt. Broken hearts suck, but it makes you appreciate the next [good] relationship even more.
Don’t sit down and talk to him; I think it would be a waste of time and energy. He’s moved on and was probably looking for a reason to date this other girl – especially if it was the day after you broke up. Go and pick up “He’s Just Not That Into You” from the book store or better yet, scroll up to the top of the screen and look for it in the Amazon.com link that’s up there.
The bottom line is that when someone breaks up with you, that’s it. You can’t convince them to keep dating you, and if you do, the second time around will be miserable and unhappy. I don’t think you should sit down and talk with him to find out if he’s happy or if he wants to get back together. If you want to know that, look to his actions.
Also, no offense to you at all intended, but a lot of teenagers don’t really understand their feelings, and they don’t always know the real reasons they’re doing things, nor do they always do what they should. Hell, a lot of adults have difficulty with that too, and this is why you should look at someone’s actions instead of their words. Romance as a teenager is fucking hard. No one knows what anything means, everyone over-analyzes things, and people experience their first broken hearts. I think your best bet is to take this as a learning experience and move on. Good luck!
“The bottom line is that when someone breaks up with you, that’s it. You can’t convince them to keep dating you”
I wish I knew this 5 years ago. And then again 3 years ago. Ugh. Maybe I wouldn’t have embarrassed myself so horribly after being dumped.
“And if you do, the second time around will be miserable and unhappy.”
I did that. And the second time around was 10 times more painful than the first, because I was the only one trying to make it work. Everybody saw what a train wreck it was except me (a long, slow-motion train wreck). Oh my god, did I am embarrass myself. I still turn red when I think about it. It made for a memorable lesson though.
A month ago, my boyfriend (of nearly four years) and I broke up.
We had plans to move in together soon, we had discussed our timeline for marriage, kids, etc, all that jazz. BUT he’d been living in England for the past year. He’d made wonderful friends, he’d had a great time. To be with me it would require waiting on moving back to the UK for at least a few years, so I could go to grad school in the US. He wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. He said he still loved me, etc, etc. This is the man I had planned a future with. Everyone thought it was “just a matter of time” before we got engaged.
Now, I can speculate all I want (actually, I’m trying not to, but I still have… a lot.), I can wonder what the deeper reasons were, blah blah blah. That won’t really change things though. Sometimes it makes you feel better. Most of the time doesn’t though. You’ll probably just find more questions, and more reasons to feel shitty.
Your questions won’t get the answers you want. You want to hear that he wants you back, and this other girl is terrible, and he’s just pity dating her. You won’t get those answers. Every time he sidesteps and finds a way to say something so that it isn’t completely hurtful, you’ll find a new reason for a glimmer of false hope. You’ll end up more and more conflicted. Don’t bother trying to discuss your relationship, his relationship, etc. It won’t go anywhere.
He’s happy enough. I can tell you that. He made his decision, he will deal with it to make himself happy. Don’t worry about his happiness, it’s time to focus on yours, and time to find a way to move on.
I am so sorry Alena, that must be really hard!
I’m so sorry to hear that Alena
Apparently I am in a bitchy mood but everyone is being so nice. Why is BGM on vacation?
LW, harden up. He dumped you and moved on to a new relatinoship. You need to let this relationship go and move on yourself. Don’t brother talking to him, it’s not worth your energy.
LW, if he broke up with you because he thought you were planning to break up with him (but you weren’t), there’s a communication issue. If he started dating a girl he told you he didn’t like, there’s a huge communication issue. It’s called lying. Get out there and explore the world. It sounds like this relationship was just over.