Your Turn: “I Was the Other Woman and He Dumped Me”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Eventually, he met his now-girlfriend and I quickly became his “other woman.” That was two years ago. I have been with him throughout his breaking off his friendship with my son’s father, his having his own son with his girlfriend, and throughout many blow-up fights and breaking it off and making up. The past two weeks have been hell. He finally, after two years, admitted he loved me but refused to say the two words. He got very drunk and cheated on me and his girlfriend with a co-worke–and then told me he was going to break-up with his girlfriend, but turned around and and broke up with me instead. When I told him how much he was hurting me, he got mad and told me I was pathetic and said he didn’t say he loved me.
In the end, I can’t take anymore heartbreak and I want to move on and never go back, but I cannot stop wondering if he actually cares or not. Plus, I don’t know how to move on. Oh, and one more thing… He has been with me in a LDR for two years with NO sex. — The Other Woman, Dumped
MOA! MOA MOA MOA!
What are you actually getting out of this relationship right now other than drama? This is not the male role model you want around for your son either.
What???????? LW, you were never in a relationship with this man! He does not care about you, so move the fuck on already!
“I cannot stop wondering if he actually cares or not.”
LW, he’s been giving you the answer to this for the past 4 years. The answer? He doesn’t. A man who cares for you wouldn’t make you the other women, he would make you THE women. He wouldn’t have a child with someone else, he wouldn’t cheat on you with someone else, and he wouldn’t break up with you and call you pathetic. He does not care about you at all. Please MOA for your sake AND your child’s.
Listen lady, he didn’t “cheat on you with his girlfriend”. He is CHEATING ON HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN.
How old or immature are you that you enjoy this bullshit drama? What kind of example are you setting for your child? I’ll tell you: you are setting a terrible example. You are selfishly putting your need to be the centre of attention, your need to stir the pot and create needless, stupid drama and your desires ahead of those of your child, who needs a stable home. He doesn’t necessarily need two parents- but he needs at least one parent who makes him their number one priority. You are clearly not that parent.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Perhaps this is harsh, but LW, you need to grow the eff up and start acting like a grownup. You have a kid to take care of.
Actually, she said that he cheated on her AND the girlfriend with a coworker. So just slimy.
Wish I could like this twice.
Don’t give up on him.
Stalk him and show him how much you care by:
– showing up at his work/home ~ 6 days a week. Non stop for a few months,
– send him flirty text messages on the,
– start a blog on him and post links to his facebook. Daily,
– then patiently wait for him to come around to seeing what a catch you are.
smh…
Scratch my advice below – I like this route better.
Sometimes the obvious truth is too obvious.
Focus on the needs of your child, and stop wasting your emotions on these men.
When you say ‘other woman’ I’m going to assume you mean emotionally since you’re in a LDR with no sex. You move on by cutting off all contact. You don’t answer his phone calls, emails, or any other forms of communication. You find other ways to occupy your time. Your son, friends where you live, family. Focus on the positive people in your life, and if you don’t have any, try and make some new friends. Unfortunately, you’ll probably never know whether or not he cares or not. It sucks not getting closure, but it’s life. Most people don’t get the kind of closure they want from break ups. I would also try and figure out why you let yourself be in this situation for so long. You should want much more from a relationship than what you’ve described here.
Eh I think he gave her the answer 4 years ago about whether he cares about her or not when he decided to date someone else instead of her – even though she was single.
He doesn’t care about you LW. You don’t need to find out if he does because he has already shown you he doesn’t.
Actions speak louder than words but seem harder to hear for some reason. Start listening!
i might be wrong about the 4 years thing since i was going on memory of the letter but either way – this man does not care about you. You do not need to hear the words from his lips to know this.
*reads the letter* … *rereads the letter* …. /facepalm.
LW, this is not a guy you want to be in a long term relationship with and this is not a guy you want to be a rolemodel for your son. This boy is a serial cheater and will never change and he will never grow up. Please find someone else that will treat you better instead of leading you on simply to get laid, and please for the love of God start requiring people to treat you better. And please make a vow to yourself to never again help another person cheat on their S.O., and their assurances that they will break up with their GF/Wife is not good enough. There are volumes of research out there showing that the other woman almost never gets the guy in the end. Sex will single people only please, or Karma will find you and bite you in the ass.
YES.
I love that you asked her to “make a vow” to herself never again to help another person cheat. I know that some people have the belief that they aren’t doing wrong when they are the “other woman/man” because it is the person in the relationship’s responsibility not to cheat. But, really… we should all make an effort to not to add to someone’s pain. As difficult as it can be to avoid being with someone we are really attracted to… please, have respect for another person. I try to be non-judgmental. But, really… I can’t help but thinking it is awful to continuously choose to be involved with someone lying and deceiving their significant other through you.
Indeed. Whenever I hear about someone cheating, I have to ask, what’s wrong with the other person involved? Why do they think it’s okay to mess around with someone else’s man/woman? It says a lot about who they are. And they are just as guilty as the cheater.
Yeah I *really* hate cheating and I have a personal no tolerance policy for it. Both people are comitting adultery regardless of who’s the one actually in the relationship–period. And it’s simply a matter of respect. I wouldn’t want someone to help my wife/gf to cheat on me so it wouldn’t be right for me to go around doing it.
Yep. I could not forgive anyone who cheated on me. Automatic deal-breaker.
no. No. NO. You have not been cheated on. You have not been dumped. You guys were never together or in a real or committed relationship. Wake up! When he slept with a co-worker he was not cheating on you – he was just adding to his list of other women. You are not and never were his girlfriend.
Does he care about you? hmm… lets see… does he currently have at least 2 other women he is sexually involved with? check. At least 2 women he is emotionally involved with? check. Lies about breaking up with his real girlfriend? check. Swooped in on his best friends girl when he was already involved with someone else? check. Does this guy care bout anyone besides himself?? I don’t think so. Do you care about anyone besides yourself and this douchebag? I don’t think so.
Its time for you to realize this “relationship” was built on absolutely nothing and move on. Focus on your son and when you do start dating again perhaps think about seeing someone who is unselfish, trustworthy, and honest. Someone that can be a role model for your son. Not a guy that would disrespect his family the way this guy has with you.
oh and one last thing: “He has been with me in a LDR for two years with NO sex.”
What exactly are you trying to accomplish with this statement? The fact that you guys have not had sex changes nothing (except thankfully lessening the chance that his real gf catches something from you two). You are still, admittedly, the other woman. The one that takes a kid away from his father and wedges herself in another persons relationship. The one that idiotically believes he is going to leave her for you after 2 years with no commitment. You chose to be in a “LDR” with an unavailable guy, the fact that you haven’t gotten some (from him) in those 2 years does not make you anymore sympathetic – it just makes this whole situation even more absurd.
I think she added that so people say he wasn’t using her for sex. before I read that line, I thought that she didn’t realize that she was a booty call.
oh i see that makes a lot of sense. lol i think i was too caught up in my contempt for the lw and her drama to catch on to that.
Run away and don’t look back! Go find yourself someone who a) is available for a relationship, b) lives near you, and c) where there is mutual respect, both for each other and yourselves.
If you don’t think you have the strength to walk away, try thinking about what this is doing to your son. Trust me, it’s not good.
This is why people need a license to breed. How are people like this allowed to bring a child into the world?
This letter just makes me sad for that poor kid. Most of you guys know my story on here which I consider a success story of sorts for people who have a child young and unplanned. It gives me hope for other people in that situation. But then there are stories like this…just sad. How does your brain not just rewire itself when you have a kid to teach you that the kid should be the most important and that you should GROW UP?!?!
LW — I’m just going to be blunt. You need to go to therapy.
This whole situation is a hot mess. “He cheated on me, even though he was cheating on his girlfriend WITH ME.” “He told me I was pathetic.” “Oh and he was cheating on his girlfriend with me even though we weren’t having sex for two years”????
Frankly, this sounds exhausting, dramatic, and immature. You’re a mother. A mother who should be focusing more time on her son than on getting embroiled in immature drama with a man who obviously isn’t even respectful of you, to say nothing of how else he’s treated you.
Go to therapy. Seriously. Start working on yourself — Discover why you’ve allowed yourself to accept this kind of lifestyle; this kind of relationship that so very obviously is not fulfilling, healthy or happy. Discover how you can enjoy being on your own — without any men or drama to distract you from self-improvement and awareness — and how you can ultimately be a part of a healthy relationship in which “caring about you” is not equal to drunkenly refusing to say “I love you,” or calling you pathetic, or being in a relationship with multiple women at once. I’m not going to say that “you deserve better,” because right now, you don’t. I think “deserving” isn’t something you just get to have; it’s something you have to earn. So start earning it.
I totally agree with you. This LW needs to work on herself! She definitely has some issues that she needs to work out. I am thinking she has a lot of insecurity and low self esteem.
I disagree. Calling this situation a hot mess is an insult to all the hot messes of the world. 😉
Beautifully said as always, RR.
I am so confused by this whole letter – it sounds as though she has created a relationship, completely with dysfunctional co-dependency issues, entirely in her head, and it has caught up with her. Hopefully, for her sake and her sons, she takes your advice to hear.
“He got very drunk and cheated on me and his girlfriend”
He never cheated on you, because you’re just the (imaginary) other woman and that makes it impossible, and he’s been cheating on his girlfriend for years, so what’s the difference.
What? First of all, “I love you” is three words, not two. Second of all–what is your last sentence supposed to mean? (“He has been with me in a LDR for two years with NO sex”)
Are you trying to say that all of this crazy bullshit has been happening LONG-DISTANCE somehow? and that there’s also NOT EVEN ANY SEX?? If that’s the case, I don’t believe you can even consider yourself “the other woman” & it seems like you just want to PRETEND you’re in any kind of relationship with this guy. You can’t wish away his girlfriend, so you’ll settle for the title of “other woman.”
My impression from this letter is that you’ve just been hounding him for two years, posing as his “good friend,” waiting for him to realize that “OMG, LW, it’s been you all along! How could I have been so stupid??” If you haven’t gotten a clue by now, this scenario is never going to happen. Stop wondering if he cares, wish him & his girlfriend good luck, and start paying attention to your own life (and son). JESUS.
This is EXACTLY how I read the letter.
But then again he could be whispering sweet nothings to her, who knows. Or sexting, or trading pics or really anything BUT doing it and most of the people here would still consider it cheating.
-_- Run, LW. Also, get therapy.
I was thinking the same thing about the two words. I know I am terrible at math and all… but…
Yeah, pretty much everything you said I agree with.
Wow this is just crazy, you have been getting played for a long time from this guy! So basically two years ago he met is girlfriend, and he stopped sleeping with you? Yeah you aren’t the other women, he basically just keeps you around, because you probably do things for him, and buy him things. You are not in a relationship with this guy, and it sounds like you were never the other women. So this guy did cheat on somebody when he slept with his coworker but it wasn’t you. I don’t understand why you would even want this guy in your life, there is somebody out there that is going to treat you better, and be a great father to your kid someday, and I think you need to focus on that right now. This guy has shown you that he isn’t a good friend, boyfriend, or father and that should tell you everything you need to know right there. So please do yourself, and you child a favor, and stop all contact with this guy (should be easier since he is long distance) he doesn’t love you.
No, he doesn’t care. I mean, he might care in some twisted way, deep down, but in reality, no, he doesn’t care at all. Move on, LW, move on. How do you move on? Well, that’s something we’ve all struggled with at one time or another. My first suggestion is to cut off all contact with the guy- delete his facebook, twitter, etc., block his email, block his phone number if you can, or at least stop answering. Don’t even open text messages from him. DO NOT ENGAGE. Don’t give him a chance to talk his way back into your life. Just say no. In a few weeks, you will realize that your life is much, much better without him in it.
….wow.
MOA! So let me get this straight. You were with his friend and had a baby with his friend. Then you and the friend broke up but this guy had a girlfriend by that point. You then began a relationship with him while he was with this girlfriend. (How exactly does one accidentally say I love you, anyway?) Then, he cheats on you, AND his girlfriend (whom he now has a child with) with someone else??
He also called you pathetic.
You deserve better, he sounds like a jerk that will never treat you fairly. I know your heart is broken but get some counseling, girl! You will learn that you deserve so much more in a relationship!
Build your self esteem and be with someone worthy of your love!
And more importantly, don’t get into another relationship until you straighten out whatever it is that is going on inside your head in counseling.
Your son, most of all, deserves a stable mother that will not surround herself or her child with detrimental people like this “man”
When she broke up with her childs father, he was not dating his current girlfriend. I think she started hooking up with this guy once she broke it off with the dad, and then he finally got a new girlfriend, and actually stopped hooking up with her, but she is still pretending that they are dating even though they don’t live near each other or have a physical relationship.
With the child being young, there may be elements of post-partum depression involved at the beginning of this situation. Nothing wrong with getting therapy, so LW doesn’t put herself in this position again.
These are the type of people procreating?? Is anyone else frightened about the environments some kids are born into?
First of all, it seems like this was an emotional affair more than anything since you were long distance and didn’t sleep together – this doesn’t really change the fact that it’s wrong but I just had to throw it out there to make this other point – MOVE ON. Honestly you were an idiot for getting so emotionally invested in this person who never once made you the number one priority in his life. So now you’re learned that lesson, don’t repeat it in the future.
This guy sounds slimy. It’s weird that you hated each other and then right when you are extremely vulnerable (breaking up with your baby daddy) he swoops in to play hero. Gross. This is another lesson I hope you carry with you to the future. Never depend on a guy to be your savior. That is only romantic in movies. In real life if you depend on someone that can’t be trusted when you’re at your lowest you are just asking to be taken advantage of. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet in order to be able to properly evaluate a potential date.
“Is anyone else frightened about the environments some kids are born into”?
yes…which is why i think some people don’t deserve to breed.
To answer your question, no, he doesn’t care. If he did, he would have been in a relationship with you and not with someone else. I’m not sure how you can say that he cheated on you, when he was actually in a relationship with his girlfriend. And honestly, it shouldn’t be a surprise because he was already emotionally cheating with you. Regardless, it’s time to move on and find a guy who’s not cheating on anybody.
this may be harsh, but i dont think you were actually ever *in* a relationship with him.
What most of the posts say above, just keep going, and dont talk to him. find a real person to form a relationship with. I think you need a real life person to interact with.
Just a question, how does one admits that he loves someone, but refuses to say the two words? What two words?
Woman, he is not your BF, you are not his mistress, he is not even your friend. He is an ass, and I feel sorry for the mother of his child. I hope, at least, that he is a good father, although he is definitely not setting the bar for decency high enough.
To move on, do what everyone else has suggested. Ignore him, his calls and his messages. Don’t try to find out ”how he’s been”… And take care of your kid.
I bet she was like, “Do you love me?” And he was like, “I… hmmmm.”
LW: “I will ask you one last time: Do you love me?”
DUDE: “I… well… hey check it out, there are two dogs doing it outside the window!”
*helicopter flies him away*
He totally admitted it, but a situation out of our control prevented him from saying those last two words! Fate is so cruel. Poor star-crossed lovers.
I’m still confused as to how he admitted he loved her without saying the words. Are they able to telepathically communicate?
My absolute final-attempt best-guess is that she was like, “You love me, admit it, admit it, admit it,” and he was like, “…I do” and then she was pissed because he didn’t tack on “love you” to the end of that.
See, I read it as the two words being “Marry me.” Because she is sadly that delusional. There are at least three things this LW needs to do right now (as several others have already stated): 1. Cut off all contact with this man. ALL. 2. Go. To. Therapy. 3. Do not under any circumstances get yourself involved in any type of romantic/sexual relationship until you have done these first two and given yourself time to figure out what kind of person you are and what kind of person you want to be for your son.
This letter just reeks of desperation and a very small social circle. Why would you even want to be the other woman to the best friend of your former bf, whom you initially hated? Why would you want a no-sex LDR, knowing it was as the ‘other woman’? An LDR as ‘THE woman’ is tough enough. What you had is nothing but grief. The advice to seek therapy is spot on. Find new friends apart from the circle of your ex. It’s a circle that seems more than a little scummy. It is interesting that you make no mention of why you broke up with your ex. You say you and Rick have ‘always been attracted to each other’, yet you led off saying initially you hated each other so much that you used all caps. You need to take a step back and stop picking guys based solely on raw physical attraction. Find someone whom you at least like and who isn’t acting like a scumbag.
Whaaaaat the WHAT?? Is this a joke?? Assuming it’s not:
Time for those big girl panties, LW, and time to stop living this high school drama. Seriously. No more contact. Ever. Raise your kid. Hit up some therapy. And then, after a long, long, LONG while (meaning no rebounding!), start dating a guy who actually will call you his girlfriend. Living in the same area and sex are definite pluses.
This seems to be something that is becoming all too current. Men and women are staying in bad relationships for too long, and grasp to whatever they can get that is stability. To us, since most of us don’t have kids, this is an easy situation to avoid. A lot of single mother’s that may not have the education or finances to better support themselves and their child(ren), tend to end up in bad relationships much like this. They stop valuing themselves and settle for anything that they can find that will pay them a little bit of attention.
For example. Was talking a friend this weekend and she was telling me about how her friend had a tough go with a guy over the weekend. This particular friend has been celebate for 5 years, known this new guy for a week, slept with him, and now he’s stopped returning her calls and text. By the way, she’s a Mother of a son as well. To me, I would never sleep with someone in a week, if I truly felt I had feelings for them. It’s too easy to be manipulated, and when you give up the most cherished part of your body too soon, it generally means that person will have less respect for you.
I’ve done the same thing and had the same thing done to me in the past, and the same result would happen. There would be no respect and people’s feelings would be getting hurt.
I’m really not trying to make a sweeping generalization, but this is what I’ve experienced from female friends I know or females that I have met through online dating. They tend to all have very similar stories. They ended up with bad boyfriends who cheated on them or who were mentally/physically/emotionally abusive. The women always seem to work somewhat dead end jobs, lack post high school education, and come from less than ideal family backgrounds. Usually the family wasn’t very supportive or were alcoholics.
Education is not the be all to end all. I’ve met plenty of people who have done well for themselves with no post high school education. It’s defintely not a relationship requirement. I just felt bad for this particular person, because she was manipulated by a guy that she thought would stay around.
Men and women, respect yourself and really try to make yourself happy before you start trying to build a relationship. When you aren’t making yourself happy, you end up in bad relationship after bad relationship. And when you say you want a good male or female, your past bad relationships reflect how you open up to that nice person. Most people who are nice and have their life together, is not going to have the time or patience to sit and wait on you to get it together.
You are so right here!!! I think she doesn’t value herself because she has the baggage of being a single mom. So she is grabbing at the wisp of a relationship just to prove that she isn’t alone.
LW- I know you want someone to love you and this guy is the closest thing you have. Please start socializing with people who are better for you. There are men that pray on single moms and I have seen it happen. Expect more from people to give you all thier hearts.
And that is what can be difficult. You can easily feel that you are nothing more than a Mom to your child(ren). Don’t get me wrong, being a responsible Mother is awesome, but I would think it can get very boring and lonely. Your child gives you unconditional love, because they need it to survive; however, a child can’t please you like an adult relationship can. My best female friend told me before that the hardest thing about being a single mom wasn’t even taking care of her child on her own, but the lack of identity she felt she had. She started to feel that the only identity she had or would deserve was being a Mom. Luckily, she’s had a boyfriend for a while now and they love where their relationship is heading.
One thing I could always say about my friend, that I can’t say about the LW, is that she is was always able to take care of herself, even as a single mom. Times were hard, but she had a good family background and a good set of friends to talk to when she would feel down.
Right! If you are a mom, it is hard to go out to the bar or different activities. Everyone here is being kind of harsh. But I think her social circle is really small because her life isn’t allowing it to expand.
It can be tough being a MARRIED mom! My world, once so expansive, shrank to the size of a diaper once I had my kid (and I worked outside the home!). Every outing had (has) to be strategically planned down to the last detail! I am actively working to rebuild a social life for myself (community chorus, girlfriend dates, lunch dates) that evaporated once I had a kid. And no I did not make the meetup in Denver (!) Family has a way of swallowing up weekends especially. I could do a weekday lunch date meetup!!
So I would think that being a SINGLE mom with limited resources could be really really tough. Enough to cling to the thread of a bad barely there relationship. Have some compassion for this poor woman, but yes I agree that a lot of the advice is spot on!
You are totally right. As a mom, you have to work so hard just to see adults that aren’t your husband. I read this so differently then alot of people. I am not saying that the end isn’t correct, but they are off for the motivation.
I don’t really think you were the other woman here…from the sounds of it for the better part of 2 years he probably just thought that you guys had a really close friendship, not a relationship. either way MOA. you are worth so much more than a make believe relationship
I just…I mean…what everyone else said. I’m just agreeing. This situation is fucked.
You have a child. I’m not saying you don’t deserve to seek out love and be happy, but for the love of all that is holy, you’ve been doing the exact opposite of that by continuing to “stay involved” with this guy. GET OUT NOW. Cut off all contact with any of these people. Focus on your child, that should be your ultimate priority.
Also, I got told this a long time ago and based off experience, think it’s pretty true. “If he’ll do it for you, he’ll do it to you.”
Holy crap what a mess. He doesn’t care about you, (there’s the answer to your question). He doesn’t care about his girlfriend. Or the random third woman he cheated on both of you with… Man this is just a ridiculous web of betrayal and horrible behavior.
He clearly doesn’t have it in him to be in a relationship. If he can cheat on his girlfriend with you, then cheat on both of you with someone else, are you sure you really want to hear him lie and say he cares about you? Because he really, really doesn’t.
FYI – A two year relationship with no sex isn’t a relationship, it’s talking. You’re completely naive to think that you were the “other woman” the whole time if you weren’t even having sex. And also completely naive to think that someone cheated on you who you weren’t even sleeping with, who was already cheating on someone else with you! Hello, he’s just cheating on everyone and everything, and you’re not better for allowing it to happen.
It’s just a big, disgusting mess, and if you have any respect for yourself (and hello — your child) you need to get out of this “relationship” and into therapy.
Honestly, I only feel bad for the children involved. If you (and this guy’s girlfriend) don’t get away from this him, your kids are going to grow up surrounded by poor relationships, watching their parents continually let themselves hurt and be hurt, and I just hope they learn that not all adult lives have to be like that.
Yes! This! There is really not much more I can add but you both never had a real relationship with him. You just fufilled some need within each other. He filled an emtional need during the breakdown of your relationship with your son’s father. And he has filled that man-friend/support/emotional need for the last 2 years over the phone.
He has reached out to you as a shoulder to cry on/ or someone to speak freely to for the last 2 years, instead of working on the communication issues with his girlfriend.
You both have been lazy and needy! Spend time working on the relationships you have, or finding a partner who fufills all your needs.
And why are you so upset over him? Its not like you lost a prince. He cheated on the mother of his child with a coworker while drunk and has been reaching out to you.
Your #1, hell even your #2 priority is you son! You want him to grow up to be a man who treats women with respect and takes care of his responsibilities. He doesn’t need to see his mother involved in this garbage.
I thought it was just sad that the best thing she wished for herself was to be the other woman. That is nothing to aspire to.
I am very tempted to say that this is hoax. Or maybe I’m just REALLY hoping.
Oh yea! Belated April Fools?
I”m confused. You say you’re the other woman, and that you’re in an LDR, but you’ve never had sex with him? The R in LDR stands for relationship, and that is not what you have. In addition to the lack of sex, you don’t share anything, you are not a priority for him, and when you call him on his bad behavior, he says you’re pathetic. In a way, he is right. You have spent too much energy on this man. (I use the term loosely.) He used you and you allowed it. Get yourself together and for God’s sake, don’t get involved with someone who is not available to you or you deserve what you get.
I am very tempted to say that this is hoax. Or maybe I’m just REALLY hoping.
You honestly believed that this guy wouldn’t “cheat” on you (which he by the way didn’t since you are not in a relationship)? He is seeing you behind his girlfriend’s back – he has no problem lying to people.
LW, get your shit together. You have a kid
Even if she didn’t have a kid, she needs to get her shit together for herself. So she can be the best person she can be and be treated with respect.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry that your life has gotten so twisted that you could have possibly typed the words that you did without seeing the truth of the situation. You are in need of help that only a licensed professional can give you so please find one. You seem incredibly damaged and I’m so very sad for your child. This is no example to set. This man never cared for you. He used you for the attention and affection you lavished on him to alleviate his boredom or to boost his ego – whatever his reason – it had nothing to do with you. I’m afraid that is the extent of it – he never had love for you. I know it is hard to hear and very easy to dismiss but you never had a relationship with him – and count yourself lucky that he ended whatever you did have. Take it as the gift it is that he set you free since you seemed incapable of freeing yourself. Move on completely. But know he isn’t the villain of the piece – you did this to yourself – please find out why so you don’t make that mistake again. You already have a man in your life – be the best parent you can to him – and let his needs be the only ones you care about going forward.
I really hate the world sometimes.
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore?
This makes me want to crawl into a worm hole and die?
I am Ron Burgundy?
Our species is DOOMED!
“When I told him how much he was hurting me, he got mad and told me I was pathetic and said he didn’t say he loved me.”
There are no lines to read between here. The translation is: “you’re pathetic and I don’t love you.”
Seriously, only two types of guys are going to say something that cruel:
1.) One is the type who gets off on hurting people. Like, actually seeks out opportunities to make a person feel like shit. Maybe he’s been screwed over too many times in the past, maybe his parents didn’t hug him enough, or maybe he’s just your run-of-the-mill sociopath. Either way, not someone you want in your life.
2.) The other is the type of guy who’s already tried to let you down easy, but you weren’t taking the hint. (I’m not saying it’s ever okay to be straight-up MEAN, but it happens.) Perhaps telling you that, after 2 years, he can’t say the words “I love you,” was a big-ass hint? I can’t help but wonder if he only said that much after being backed into a corner by someone who desperately wanted to hear the words (whether they were true or not).
We already know this guy’s moral code is somewhat lacking, as demonstrated by his cheating (on his girlfriend, not you – more on that below), so I suppose it could go either way. But in both scenarios, the constant is that he doesn’t want to be with you, and that’s all that should matter.
I’m still failing to see why you think you were in a relationship with him. I have to figure, since you said you met 4 years ago, but have been in a sexless LDR for 2, that maybe some physical encounter(s) took place in the first 2 years? We’ve all seen that situation where two people hook up, Person-A thinks it’s a no-strings-attached deal, but Person-B is picking out china patterns. One a few occasions, I’ve seen Person-A just “break up” with Person-B because it’s simpler (and more kind) than telling them the truth. Just something to think about.
Now, to address your actual reasons for writing in:
1.) No, he doesn’t care. NOTHING he’s said or done has suggested otherwise.
2.) If you’re having trouble moving on, heed the advice of others on here and seek therapy. You have a kid; it’s not just about you anymore. Get some help to see this rationally (and maybe figure out why/how the hell you ended up in this situation to begin with).
I agree with many of the comments here. You were never in a relationship with this man, therefore it was impossible for him to cheat on you. You really need to separate yourself from all this crap and just focus on being a good mom to your son.
One more thing to add…this was going through my head the entire time I read the letter. JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
Remember the phrase, “Actions speak louder than words”? Well, look at his actions. And then look at his (lack of) words. No, he doesn’t care. You and your son deserve better than all of that.
I’m sorry LW, but I think that Rick is probably right. In fact, there are several things you say that make it sound like a crazy stalking situation.
1. “We have always been attracted to each other but it always seemed too off-limits.”
2. “Eventually, he met his now-girlfriend and I quickly became his ‘other woman.’ That was two years ago.”
3. “He finally, after two years, admitted he loved me but refused to say the two words.”
4. “LDR for two years with NO sex.”
He says he doesn’t love you + has a girlfriend + hasn’t slept with you while having said girlfriend + tells you in harsh terms that he has no interest in you = he has ZERO interest in you. MOAGTFO.
I don’t see any evidence that you were EVER in any kind of romantic relationship with him at all. You give no indication that you have ever slept together, you don’t live near him, he’s had a girlfriend for the entire time you’ve had this imaginary relationship, you’re trying to drag love confessions out of him (and he won’t)… You may not be a pathetic person, LW, but I think your actions here certainly are. You need to MOA, and maybe, when you’ve got your own act together, go out with someone who actually WANTS to date you.
this is his Point of View:
You: A good friend who has been there for him
GF: the mother of his child
Coworker: the woman he cheated on his girlfriend with.
He tells you (his good friend) he cheated on his girlfriend and was thinking he might break up with her. You then tell him something. Whatever you tell him had to clue him in to the fact that you think you’ve been in a relationship with him for 2 years. This majorly freaks him out so he tells you you are pathetic and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.
Leave him alone LW. How do you move on? Focus on your son and get busy doing other things.
Okay, this entire relationship seems to have been in your head. Two years? No sex. Yeah, he really loves you — oh, so much. Maybe you should just raise your kid for a while and focus on that. It seems that picking men is not your forte’. And as for him calling you pathetic? Well, sometimes, the truth hurts. Look, you may not be pathetic, but your behavior most certainly is…
This is a joke letter, right?
Hah. Sadly not, I suspect.
I read this letter as the LW having slept with the guy after she broke up with her boyfriend and before he got a girlfriend. The guy has not had sex with her since he’s had a girlfriend…I really wonder if this is all in the LW’s head…Especially with his reaction. Either the guy is a) having an emotional affair with the LW or b) considering the LW a friend and told her he effed up and cheated on his girlfriend, not realizing that LW thought she was in a relationship with him. LW, please get some therapy.
But does she actually say she ever slept with him? I reread and keep missing that somewhere? It sounds like it’s someone she was attracted to during her other relationship, but I kept waiting for the discussion of their actual physical relationship and it never seemed to get there. I agree that LW needs therapy and ASAP.
See, I’m just confused as to whether they actually have a relationship.On the one hand,there’s no indication they were in a relationship ever. On the other hand, the LW does say he “broke up” with her instead of his girlfriend.
It’s all very puzzling.
As incredulous as I feel about this letter…..I agree with all of the other comments on this thread. I’m curious as to why exactly you thought you were in an LDR with him, because it seems like only you thought you were in one. He doesn’t seem to have thought that you two were in an LDR at all. Did he say that you were in one, or did he say something that you totally misunderstood? I bet that’s what happened. This whole situation is just so messed up. Why would you willingly let yourself be in this situation? Did you think you wouldn’t find anyone else? He didn’t even WANT you. He’s had a girlfriend this entire time. A GIRLFRIEND. A girl that he was willing to “commit” to, but he wasn’t willing to commit to you. And I say “commit” because I bet he cheated on her more than once and you only know about this one girl and one time.
It sucks that he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, but honestly, you should have moved on as soon as that motherfucker started dating his girlfriend. You have a kid. Your poor kid, I bet s/he didn’t understand what was going on at all. That’s two (I guess four, actually) years of your life that you wasted on someone who wasn’t even interested in you at all. I know how it feels to want one person so badly, I do – I have been in a similar situation. I didn’t, however, pretend that I was in an LDR with the guy. I just pined after him and then moved on when I got tired of nothing happening. Like you should have done….
But you know what, it isn’t too late. Your life isn’t over. You CAN move on. I suggest starting with therapy first. Intense therapy. Do things that build up your self-esteem and make you happy, if you can. Obviously your kid should be your first priority, but I think you can meet up with girlfriends (and I hope you have some….but if you do, and they know about this whole thing and they didn’t try to talk some sense into you…..maybe they aren’t such great friends after all. Or maybe they did and you didn’t listen.) once or twice a week now and then, either to go out for drinks or to exercise or something. When the time comes, when you’re ready, try dating again. Take things slow. It’ll be better for your and your kid. Think about what you really want in a guy and look for that. Don’t settle for less because you think you don’t deserve better.
Finally, when you do get a boyfriend again, make sure that he’s actually committed to you, knows that the two of you are in a relationship, and isn’t seeing anyone else.
I love this response so much. It seems really easy to be blunt in this situation, and I think you’ve put it well while acknowledging LW’s feelings on the matter.
LW, I’ve seen this happen in my own family. A few years ago, my mother was having a relationship with a married man. The situation is slightly different from yours, as my sister and I were both adults at the time; however, the man in question had a teenage daughter. It was a hard situation for my sister and I to be in, because, from our perspective, we knew he probably wasn’t going to leave his family and that our mother would end up getting hurt. And that’s exactly what ended up happening.
LW, here’s what I want to say to you–something similar to what I told my mother once. Please please PLEASE, for the sake of your well-being, move past this man. In these sorts of scenarios, people will end up getting hurt–and it sounds like you’re hurting enough already. It doesn’t have to be that way. Maybe he did have some sort of feelings for you, but it sounds like he loves himself and the attention he’s getting far more than either you or his girlfriend right now. Is that the kind of person that you want to be with, deserve to be with? I hope your answer is no. I know other commenters have said that what you have isn’t a relationship, but whether it is or isn’t is beside the point–if it is, is this the kind of relationship you want to have with a man? If it isn’t, don’t you think that the kind of relationship you’re hoping for is out there waiting for you? You won’t be able to find it if you’re still too hung up on someone who’s never going to be invested in you and is unavailable for a relationship with you.
And I 100% agree on getting counseling or some type of therapy. It can do you and anyone a world of good, even if (from my personal experience!) you balk at the suggestion for the first couple of days.
Yeah, I just felt like hardly anybody was offering constructive criticism. And I totally get why, because this letter does make me kinda want to smack some sense into the LW, but she’s like any other LW writing into this site – she’s looking for advice, or someone else to confirm what she already knows – that this situation is fucked up. She probably wanted to hear that she should hang on and keep trying, but we’re all gonna be honest and tell her the truth. But while we’re being honest, offer some advice for getting over him as well 🙂
“I cannot stop wondering if he actually cares or not.” The Other Woman, Dumped
I don’t think that’s true. His words say he doesn’t care. His actions show he doesn’t care. You aren’t wondering. You know the truth. You’re just hoping it’ll miraculously change.
I’d say the first step toward moving on is to start being honest about this relationship. You can start by admitting to yourself that you know he doesn’t care. Then you can get honest about how your relationship began.
The part that “it always seemed too off-limits” doesn’t ring true when you follow it with how you quickly became his other woman once he met his current girlfriend.
Consider the possibility that you’re drawn to unhealthy relationships. What went down with your bf would repel most women yet you’re clinging to the hope that he still cares about you. Hopefully, once you know why you put yourself in this position you’ll be able to begin moving forward.
I really don’t want to be hard on you, because I can tell you’re really hurting. But I do have to echo what everybody else was saying. Both his actions, and his words, points to him not ever being truly interested in you. Whether he was purposely stringing you along, or you were building up this scenario in your head, its clear he hasn’t ever, and does not now, want to be with you. Not four years ago, not two years ago, and not now.
How to move on? Sometimes you just do. Feel sad. Commiserate with friends. Focus on other things, like your child. It does sound like you have had a rocky road the last few years with friends – so again I’d second what a lot have said about seeking counseling.
In the future, remember as much as we’d like to feel like our lives our rom-coms where the guy will wake up one day and realize he’s loved us all along, that’s not real life. If a guy isn’t treating you with respect and committing fully and openly to you, don’t waste your time.
er…I meant a rocky road with men. I hope you have some good friendships and a good support system.
As Liz Lemon would say, “You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth.”
Except you never (??) slept with this guy.
JUST RUN. Run away in the opposite direction.
Count your blessings you got out of this without another kid and the attendant family-court drama.
I’m so sorry, but if you believe he really loves you i’m shocked..moa, get some self respect, wtf..really? love yourself..then maybe you’ll find someone. Please get a reality check
You did NOT get cheated on. The only person who got cheated on in that situation was his actual girlfriend. You are not a victim here. You’re barely even an “other woman.” Grow up and start worrying about the kind of example you’re setting for your son, not some man you didn’t actually have a relationship with.
“Swallow it down, that jagged little pill.” – Alanis Morisette.
Seriously, put on some sad music and cry and get over it. Don’t talk to him anymore. You need to do this, it might take a year or two, but you need to. I know this from experience.
Rick seems to be the kind off guy who is rarely right about anything. But he is absolutely correct that LW is pathetic.
pathetic c-movie, unbelievably stupid story
Just have some more kids with boyfriends/girlfriends, cheat and break up etc. I’m sure it will all work out.
Yet more proof that, if men are pigs, they are so because of willing women. Which makes women what exactly?
Fake. It’s gotta be a fake.
Sorry, all you every were was a bootie call… he’s with the woman who has his child. Just go. You shouldn’t have gotten in such a situation to begin-with.
i’m sad that SOOOOOOOOOO many people actually do live like this woman; that is, without any standards for what is or is not acceptable behavior from others.
this is what comes from a society that has been taught that their moral imperative is “DON’T JUDGE ME!”
of COURSE we must judge each other, and ourselves. “DON’T JUDGE ME!” is the stupidest and most destructive demand there has ever been in the history of civil societies.
nobody taught this woman, among the past two generations of people, what constitutes ‘bad behavior’ and that it is not only okay, but is actually vitally necessary and responsible to reject bad behavior and those who engage in bad behavior.
The thing that really cracks me up about this whole mess, is that in all likelihood the writer, the “other” woman, and the “coworker” are just the tip of the ice berg of Rick’s conquests. When will women get a clue that a guy who has the ability, and willingness, to get them and other women they know to jump through hoops into their bed, they are doing it with a LOT of other women. Jeez.
This is just pathetic. What do you expect from being just a piece of ass for some guy who can’t even break up with his girlfriend and actually be in a committed relationship? Why are there so many women out there with little to no standards for the men they allow in their lives? I just do not understand why people would want to waste so much time and energy on something that isn’t even real? If a MAN truly is interested in you and wants to be with you, he will make his intentions clear and he won’t cheat and keep women on the side. Obviously this guy never loved you, GET THAT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.