Your Turn: “My Co-Workers Are Jealous of my Promotion”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
She’s home now for summer break and currently working at the store. She came just in time for me to get a raise and a letter of appreciation from the owner. I had hoped no one would mention it, but our manager pinned the letter to the board for everyone to see, and she started up again with the “It should have been her” comments. To make things even worse, another girl moved to the deli because I was promoted before her and yet another has complained to customers about being passed by me for an promotion.
Meanwhile, I chose to go to a community college to help my parents with bills. I graduated high school with honors, and work as hard as I can and always smile and speak to customers. I have only called in sick three times, one of which was because my grandmother died and the other two because I was in the hospital. Our owner mentioned that at least ten customers called him to compliment my people skills and helpfulness. How can I make my friends understand that, while I believe I do deserved these promotions, I do not think that I am better than them? Is it even possible or should I MOA? — Grocery Store Employee
You aren’t going to be able to make her understand anything. YOU know you deserved the promotions, and that is all that matters. You have nothing to apologize for. Ignore them and just do your job.
You know you are amazing at your job, your boss says so, your costumers say so. Why are you willing to believe someone who has already showed how much of a competitive b***h she can be by putting you down constantly? All this great reviews and the one bad thing someone says can make them all seem untrue. You are amazing, you are a great person, smart and charming whose only problem is the lack of confidence! Enjoy your moment, you dont have to prove them anything. You are not in the wrong here. *hug* congratulations and enjoy the results of your hard work!
Who do these bitches think they are? Complaining to customers about you? Going on and on about how you’re basically a terrible employee compared to them? These girls are NOT your friends. Friends don’t do things like make you feel ashamed about your successes and “feel sad for you” because they’re moving away and you aren’t. They are being condescending and manipulative.
And your “friend” is wrong. It SHOULDN’T have been her, because she moved away. And I highly doubt anyone has ever made it obvious that they like her better. She clearly has severe insecurity issues to be threatened by something as trivial as not getting a promotion at a store she no longer works at year-round.
Sounds like you all need to spend some time outside the drama of the grocery store. Find some new friends, preferably far away from your workplace. And congratulations on your promotion! It sounds like you really earned it, so don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Your “friend” doesn’t sound like much fun to be around. What kind of friend tells you to your face that you don’t deserve a promotion, and that she feels sorry for you for choosing to stay at home for college? A crappy one. You can’t change other people, and you can’t stop the tongues from wagging, so just ignore their jealous snipes and continue to be your model- employee self and let your success speak for itself. Anyone who tries to drag you down is not your friend.
Everything your ‘friend’ says and the actions of the others who are peeved they were passed over is exactly WHY they were passed over but you got promoted. If you’re a hard worker and and deserved your promotion, then just keep working hard. I see more promotions in your future. And in the case of those complaining about your promotion to the CUSTOMERS… Actions like that will never get them promoted.
These people aren’t your friends. They are your coworkers and at times people get jealous of others at their jobs. It’s what happens everywhere. Don’t take it personal and don’t assume these people are your friends. They are just people you know. If you quit tomorrow I doubt you would speak to any of them.
Hold your head up high, girl. You did a great job and should be proud. Don’t let anyone make you feel badly about your accomplijmebtd
Don’t quit. You did nothing wrong. Just keep working there with your head held high and treat them politely but airily – don’t give in to any drama. If they possess anything resembling normal dignity, this correct ‘work-self’ of yours should make them back off after a while – no fun to be had if you don’t play along, after all.
I did this for half a year in a horrible place I couldn’t quit for financial reasons, where the boss had a grudge against me and started spreading unfounded gossip to my co-workers. At the end of that six-month period I had gotten them all to treat me normally and with respect again (I quit as soon as I could though; it was pretty bad:)).
I would keep my ‘friend-self’ for people who won’t make you feel bad for being successful, though. Really. Don’t let anybody pull you down – they won’t gain anything and you won’t, either. I hope you also have some friends who are happy for you!
wow, if thats what you consider a friend, i’d hate to see what you consider an enemy! true friends are happy when their friends do well (and get promotions!). just continue doing a good job and working hard, because people who do, get what they deserve.
That stinks that these girls are giving you such a hard time. I don’t think that there’s anything you can say to these girls to make them see that you deserve this promotion, and I don’t think there’s anything you can say that will prove your humility. I do think that if you continue to do your job as well as you do, and if you treat your coworkers respectfully, they’ll come around.
You might consider mentioning to the GM how making such a public display of the owner’s appreciation for you is making the other employees feel undervalued, and while you appreciate it, maybe they could do something for the other employees to show that they are appreciated, too.
In the meantime, as far a friendship feel good type things go, try to focus on (or make) friends that you don’t work with. Perhaps (if you have time) join a club at school, or strike up a convo with a classmate. I think the previous posters are right, your coworkers don’t seem to be friends at all.
I don’t think the other employees should be rewarded by appreciation when they haven’t earned it. But I do think management should step up and hold a staff meeting to discuss how and why promotions/awards are earned. If everyone is clear on the process and understands they can step up and get promoted if they stop gossiping, work hard and have stellar attendance. There’s no reason LW has been left to defend herself and her efforts against her fellow employees.
She says this is a small grocery store but if it’s big enough to have an HR department or even an HR person, this needs to be addressed now. The gossip, bad-mouthing LW to customers, and negativity are making the store look bad as well as potentially affecting LW’s performance. Management really needs to step up and get things back on track. This is not acceptable.
And LW, these people are not friends. Friends do not resent your success nor do they talk about you behind your back. Hold your head high and keep moving forward. You sound like an amazing young woman.
There is a time where you have to let go of “friendships” that seem to be based on pettiness and jealousy. People like that aren’t real friends. Generally, they are probably too self involved to ever really be a true friend to anyone. A true friend would have been happy for you. I work for the state government and when I started trying to get reclassified (kind of like a promotion – new title in a progressive series, more money), some of the other people threw a huge fit and someone even told me to not try to get it because it would “rock the boat.” Another woman told me that I thought I was better than everyone just because I have a degree (she was consistently bashing people with degrees – I chalked it up to jealousy). The moral of the story is – I ignore it. Sure, none of these people ever could have passed as a friend, but it still bothered me to hear the negativity. What I would recommend to you is that you ignore the biting comments. Eventually, it will die down. Ultimately, it is none of their business and you should be proud of your accomplishments. As for the so called friend… MOA.
Honestly I don’t think there is anything you can tell these girls. They seem like very petty people. They are too caught up in belittling you to congratulate you or even say that they are happy for you?
First of all if you are a good worker you will be promoted over people who have worked their longer because the owner and managers can put faith in you. Don’t let them take that out on you.
Second of all my friend and coworker was promoted to a higher position than I and I am so happy for her! Friends should be happy when good things happen to you.
Sometimes being really good at what you do can be alienating to other people. It seems like you will finish your degree and move on to something bigger and better, and that threatens other people. I’m in a bitchy mood today so I’m just gonna say it: I bet you’re much better-looking than them, too! Being prettier and smarter than someone has a nasty way of making them want to cut you down. I don’t mean to brag, but I used to evoke this reaction in people when I was in HS and college. Now I work entirely with other people with advanced degrees and nobody bothers me anymore because now, I’m only average in my world.
I don’t know what kind of idiot your “friend” is to tell you that she deserved a promotion over you when she stopped working there year-round. And she obviously felt like she had to remind you that you are NOT better than her, that she is better than you in fact, so stop hanging out with her. She sounds like a miserable person.
Eventually you’ll get where you’re going and this crap will stop. Don’t let people into your life who tell you that you don’t deserve your success. You do! You are clearly a hard worker and you deserve all your success. Keep working hard and be pleasant to those jerks and eventually it’ll fade.
there is no way to really deal with those kinds of people. all you can do in a job is be polite, helpful, and do your job well. you obviously got these promotions of your own merits, not because of anyone else’s actions, and they are obviously jealous of that. you cant “deal” with jealousy- its just there or its not. i dont think that trying to talk to these people about their jealousy would even help anything. this is the hardest thing about being friends (best friends, even) with your coworkers. if one gets promoted, or one gets fired, or whatever, problems start. I would just recognize that these friendships have to become strictly professional- thats all you can do. you just have to know in your heart that you are not screwing anyone over, plotting and cheating your way to the top. you have been given what you have worked for. your friend who went off to college 3 hours away- maybe she should have stayed, too. its not your problem or fault that she chose the path that she did.
congrats on all your accomplishments, though, and let them be jealous! lol
That your former friend, who made her life choice to go away to school, should try to steal your thunder by claiming fantasy dibs on your promotion and is now running you down in cohort with another coworker is beyond lame and ridiculous. If it helps you get some emotional distance from their sniping, remind yourself (and them, if appropriate) that you are at work to work. Let your continued success be the answer to the ill-tempered squeaking emanating from the deli department or the check stand..
“fantasy dibs” made me laugh! I think I’m going to have to start using it in real life!
I absolutely agree with the other posters: these people are not your friends. That said, you can’t let them undermine your authority. There is a huge difference being being assertive and being a bitch. If you hear them talking about you to customers, you should pull them aside and tell them they are being inappropriate and you will report this behavior because it creates a hostile environment (I’m not trying to use the term in its legal sense) and is not appropriately professional behavior. If you have managerial authority over these girls and they balk at your directives, that’s failure to perform required job duties. Don’t confront them emotionally. As hard as it is, put aside your emotions and handle this from a business perspective. You got promoted to a supervisory role because you have managerial potential. Live up to that. Ask your manager for guidance if you need help learning how to do that, and be prepared to cite specific examples of their inappropriate or unprofessional behavior. That isn’t tattling. It’s looking out for the business, which you are paid to do.
On a personal note, I know you’re mourning the loss of your “friends”, and it doesn’t help much to hear that people who act like this aren’t really friends, but it’s true. Go ahead and greive. Remember that people come and go in our lives, and sometimes we only have a moment with them. You’ve proven to be intelligent, far-sighted, professional and courteous. You are well on your way to leading a prosperous, fulfilling life, no doubt helped along by good references from your boss and the owner, money you’re earning and saving by working and attending a local school and life lessons you’re collecting every day. Other people, new experiences and better friends will come along. Trust me, and hang in there.
Friends don’t talk shit on their friends. And smart coworkers don’t talk shit to their superiors. Not only is this girl a complete ass and unworthy of your friendship but she doesn’t even have enough sense to treat her work superior respectfully.
You like your job and you’re doing super well there. STAY. Don’t quit. Besides it sounds like you need it.
Some people are jealous and spiteful. Some people can’t be happy for other people because of their jealousy and spite. You probably won’t be able to convince ‘the haters’ you deserve that promotion because their ability to be spiteful and jealous makes them immune to logic and awareness. They all have probably seen your effective work ethic and people skills, but ‘hate’ on you because their jealousy overrides their ability to feel happy for you or logically see how you EARNED that promotion. So guess what? Fuck them.
I have a work philosophy that I think might help you. Go to work and work. Keep doing your job well and keep bringing in a positive attitude (even if you have to fake it!). Work is often complicated because we socialize at work. Make friends, make enemies, talk gossip, etc. Just go to work and concentrate on your job and customers. Compartmentalize your life; you have a work life and a personal life. Try and find friends outside of work who share similar interests as you. Find friends who are capable of rejoicing in your successes and that don’t bring you down with their ugly negativity!
Those girls who are hating on you, brush them off your shoulder. You are who you are and apparently you are a good worker! And if they hate on that you can’t really change their minds. BUT THAT IS OK. You can’t win the favors of everyone and that is just life; especially in the competitive, stressful environment that is work. The next time this girl starts talking shit on you tell her something like this, “Sounds like you’re jealous. That’s too bad. I thought friends supported friends. I wish you could get over this but since you can’t I don’t think we can have any kind of relationship except a work relationship”.
Or just ignore that bitch till she gets the picture. The point is, you’re awesome and doing awesome so babe find people who appreciate that and appreciate you!
Your friends are jealous and competitive. Maybe they’ll grow up and get over it and maybe not. Understand that the talk at work gets around and management likely already knows so they’ve already guaranteed that they’ll never get promoted over where they already are. My guess is that you got promoted over the others at work not only because of your work ethic and your customer interactions, but also because your decision to stay home and help your parents demonstrated a level of maturity and thoughtfulness that is often lacking in other people your age (as currently demonstrated by your erstwhile friends). The commitment to staying put until you finish school didn’t hurt either I’m sure. So, in other words, management had sound reasons for giving you that promotion and you should trust their judgment that you deserve it.
Your main task in all of this is to come out the better person, not only because it’s the moral high ground, but if management knows, then they’re also looking to see how you handle the situation. So here’s what I would do if I were you.
1. Don’t say anything to these girls unless they address you directly, then say something neutral that also shuts down the conversation. So one person says, “I should have had that promotion (because I’m better than you)” You say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Then ask specific question relating to their duties. As in, “Have you cleaned the slicer?” or “We’re expecting a new shipment of exotic cheeses tomorrow. Do you know the procedures for cutting them?” Or something similar. What you’re doing is re-routing the conversation to be strictly business. And don’t talk to them unless you have specific business with them other than a polite greeting. Be scrupulously polite when talking to these girls since anything less can be used as fuel for more rumors.
2. Ask that the letter be taken down if it hasn’t already. It’s had its moment. It’s nice that management was bragging on you (and you deserved it), but now it’s time to brag on somebody else. Suggest that customer comment cards be supplied at the check-outs and if anyone gets a wonderful comment written about them, then it be posted.
3. Give it 3 weeks and see if it blows over. Likely it will, your promotion will become old news and somebody will start dating or break up or get pregnant in the meantime. If it doesn’t go to management and tell them that you were hoping that the situation would blow over, but it hasn’t so you’d like some advice on how to handle the situation.
Now, for your battered ego and wounded feelings– try to meet some other people at your school or join a club. Make other friends since I doubt that you can or should salvage these work friendships. Work relationships are always fraught because the friendship must always be secondary to the work. This will become especially important as you climb the ranks of management– you really can’t be close personal friends with your subordinates and there will be fewer and fewer people of your peer group.
Okay, I swear to God that this is a direct result of all that so-called reality show crap. It’s all this shit that far, far too many young women devotedly watch like abject dimwits…ever desperate, ever eager for more of Real Housewhores of Blah Blah Blah. Look, I’m sorry, but it seems to me that far too many so called women revel in low level, witless bitchery these days. An entire generation is dumbed down and left idolizing these tired skanks and their endless bitchy backstabbing. Trust me, it spills over… People emulate what they are exposed to. I mean, seriously…is anybody even vaguely pleasant on these shows? Much less nice? No, it’s all lets see who be the biggest bitch and cause the most pointless, useless drama…
So, yes! This is why you have such absurd tomfoolery happening in a small town grocery store. Wait, a GROCERY STORE?! Seriously, who knew that could be such a hotbed of petty jealousy and ongoing rivalry. It’s like MELROSE MARKET or maybe…ah, I digress.
Gee, your so called friend must be a real loser if after a year in college all she can do is lament that she is not still queen of the Piggly Wiggly. Wait, I’m sorry, but don’t most people go to college so they can AVOID working in a grocery store? Maybe I am confused.
Look, it’s a great job. For right now. Keep doing your best and you will excel. Try to enjoy it. Hold your head, high. And take what others say with a grain of salt. PS — nobody ever regretted calling in sick. Seriously. Don’t be a doormat. Trust me, I know. It’s not appreciated by anybody really. Instead, it’s all just an open invitation to get walked all over. Again, and again, and again. Trust me on this. I know. Boy, do I know. But you’d best thicken your skin, darling. Because I fear many of your generation will never tire of being bitches. It’s so glamorous! Woo hoo! I’m entitled! Tee Hee Hee! I deserve the best of everything because I am Me! Look how fierce we all are! Yee-haw!
Ugh. Gag. Vomit. Barf.
Idk about the “reality TV” influence, I think women have always been petty, competitive, bitches. Have you ever witnessed two girls meet for the first time? Easily the fakest thing ever.
Disagree all you want. It’s the truth, & if you say it isn’t, well that just goes to show…
I actually agree with you on this one – I’ve been reading this book “The twisted sisterhood” and its all about women relationships – with stories like that as soon as one person “acts out” (based on the mindset of the other individual or the collective group) they are immediately met with very petty reactions. When my guy friends complain about females being crazy and bitchy etc. I jokingly reply “that’s why I’d never date a female”.
But most encounters I’d not really say completely fake. Its really a way of testing the waters and gaurding ourselves against any unwanted freindships and future pettiness etc. Granted if two guys are friends and they expect each of their girlfriends to be like “BEST GIRL BUDDIES” and the females meet, yeah it all starts out really fake lol.
Girls were acting like this when I was in junior high in the 70s. This kind of thing has always happened. I read the Laura Ingalls Wilder books with my daughter and it was happening back in the 1800s. There are always girls who feel entitled and better and then get angry and nasty when the world doesn’t treat them in the way they feel they deserve. I think part of it comes from having mothers who go out of the way to excuse their daughter from every rule because she is such a wonderful, beautiful, perfect princess who is obviously entitled to the best of everything just because she exists.
Okay. So, it’s NOT reality TV. It’s just that you truly are the bitchier sex. You always have been. You always will be. There. Is that what you want to hear? 😉
I’m not gonna place ALL the blame on reality TV, but I think you do have a point. I think if you’re already the type of person who is nasty and petty, reality programming contributes to making you an even nastier, bitchier person. Bitches have always existed, but I swear it seems like everyone is a vapid, crazed, super bitch these days. Bitches get reality shows, then more people become bitches. The cycle continues…
You pretty much said the same thing I did…With no thumbs down. It’s hilarious, really…
I don’t think that’s in dispute from anyone who’s ever actually spent any time around teenage girls. They are the most vicious creatures on the planet. Fortunately most grow out of it. Sounds like Melrose Market has a few cases of arrested development.
Ha. While I’d like to join in and blame TV sadly this kind of behaviour is nothing new. People are people no matter what their station – some are hard working and gracious, and some are petty and spiteful.
This is a classic case of, “I went off to college and thought my life would be so amazing once I left my hometown.” Only it’s never as great as people imagine, so now your coworker is back, jealous that you are being successful even though you stayed home and “only” went to community college. She’ll grow up and get over herself eventually, but in the meantime, unfortunately, you have to work with her. My advice? Just avoid her as much as possible. If she asks why, say you don’t like the person she’s become, which is the truth.
You can’t make your coworkers and “friends” understand anything. All you can do is continue to be awesome at your job, be gracious to your underlings (hehe, okay, your coworkers), and try not to let their cattiness bother you. It’s not you who needs to change their behavior, it’s them, and unfortunately you have no control over that. My advice would be to not let them see that it bothers you, and hopefully they’ll stop. And even though they might be your “friends,” I think they’ve made it pretty obvious that the coworker aspect of the relationship comes first, and I would be VERY hesitant to have any sort of relationship with them that they could hold against you. Don’t even let them so much as see you roll your eyes once in the store, because they seem like the type of person who would run with it.
Everyone has been really supportive of the LW and critical of the friends. Just to play devil’s advocate – if everyone is responding in a jealous way to your promotion, it is likely something you’re doing. Wendy has offered this advice in relationships before – if every guy you date is mean or jealous or whatever, at some point you have to look at the common denominator, which is you. If you have a very trustworthy friend, I would take her aside and ask her to tell you honestly if there’s anything about your behavior that could be grating people in the wrong way. I wonder if there’s some jealousy going both ways – maybe you’re a little intimidated by your friend at university, so you’re bringing up your promotion very frequently to legitimize yourself? Maybe you’re concerned that she doesn’t believe your promotion was justified, so you keep mentioning all your accolades?
Beyond that, it might be useful to just sit down your friends and talk to them. Sometimes it’s hard to prevent jealousy – I’m a naturally jealous person and I hate it about myself – but you can diffuse it by approaching your friends with empathy and having an honest, open talk.
And the suggestion above to do more to help employee morale is a great one. You might want to also talk to your supervisor about making the qualifications for promotion clearer. It sounds like a lot of people have the idea that it should be based on seniority only. Maybe if each worker was about to sit with their supervisor for a brief meeting and discuss their progress toward promotion, it would make the process seem more clear to them and make them feel more empowered about how to get there.
I actually disagree. Sure, it may be something she’s doing, but I don’t think you can apply the same standards here. People get fucking bitter when they’re passed up for a promotion and someone who they see as their equal gets it instead. Not only that, but this person who they don’t think is any damn better than them at their job suddenly is *above* them? It pisses people off. Especially since the “friend” keeps citing that she started working there before the LW, it makes me think it’s more on the friends than the LW. Since when did the length of time you’ve worked at a place become the only criteria for getting a promotion? It’s people who grasp at straws like that that aren’t actually qualified for the promotion.
It sounds like that you’re doing a good job and getting a lot of valuable work experience in the process. In the long run, that work experience and history of promotability will make you very desirable in the job market, sometimes more desirable than a traditional university four year degree. Your “friends” who are ragging on you and to the customers about you (which is so unprofessional BTW) are just jealous. The position you have is no longer that of staff, although you could probably pinch-hit in stocking and the register if needed, but management-lite. Remember that episode of Friends when Chandler lamented the loss of his co-workers/friends when he got that promotion? It’s the exact same thing.
Continue doing a most excellent job. Get that degree in your community college and grab that associates (I’m assuming you’re doing an associates) and you can get a degree with wonderful skills and a potential free ride at any future university you want. In the meantime, hold your head up high at work, because you are doing what is best for YOU.
I fear that many (if not most) friendships (at least of the more superficial, day-to-day-socializing type) do not survive when one friend’s life changes drastically compared to the other’s. That can mean a major shift in income, or a perceived shift in “class” or education level, or having children, or political beliefs, or whatever. Posters above have nailed the issue in terms of reasons for your coworkers’ bitterness. All I can do is say that this is not atypical. You may need to put a little distance between yourself and your coworker(s) until they adjust to your advancement. Hopefully, if the friendship is true and they are mature, you’ll be able to get closer again in the future.
socalizing with coworkers in not professional
Haters goin’ hate! Work it, girl!
These girls may have at first seemed to be friends but the way that they are acting has shown their true selves and they are not friends at all. It’s disappointing when we find that people are not what we thought and so let us down.
You’ve done a great job and received your promotion because you deserve it. You may not be a better person than the others but you are obviously a better employee than the others and have done a better job. You’ve been great with customers and also dependable. Hold your head up, continue doing a great job and search for friends who will say congratulations when you get a well earned promotion. A real friend takes your back during bad times and celebrates with you during good times.
Stop mistaking business relationships for friendships. Your co-workers are not your friends. The complaints to customers sound like something that should be brought to the manager’s attention if they persist, since that kind of unprofessionalism can damage the business. The rest of it you need to ignore. If these women have been mainstays of your social life, distance yourself from them and work on making some real friends. If not, then no real loss. It’s obvious you have been doing a great job – so just keep doing it until you’re ready to move on.
this is totally off topic but this letter is missing the Your Turn tag file. It’s jut in Columns.
If you truly are as great as you claim to be then the truth will manifest itself in your work. How you manage your duties, keep up with inventory, run your dept and handle your time. Why does she feel she is better qualified? Truly the proof will make itself known and why bother to care about what she thinks.The results of your labor will speak louder than a persons comments.Been there.Time tells all.
Work is work when it is chummy chummy friends get prefered tretment, all the rest suffer.When you focus too much on coworkers being friends boundries will be crossed. I am sure there is a click.