Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Your Turn: “My Husband Has Been Sexting my Sister!”

It’s been a long time since we had a Your Turn column, where I let you take the reigns of giving the advice, so here you go:

I’ve been married to my husband 32 years and he has been sexting with a group of women. He’s also been watching porn videos. I found out it has been going on for two years or longer. I caught him one night and asked to see his phone; there was a complete wrestle for the phone because he wouldn’t let me have it though he said he wasn’t doing anything. He bruised both my arms very badly, holding me to keep me from getting the phone. He did admit later that I was right about what he was doing and said he needed the intimacy of it because we don’t have sex anymore. My husband says he has never cheated on me with another woman p, but I don’t know if I believe him on this.

I am 70, but I am a very attractive women. Because I suffer from depression, my doctor put me on cymbalta and I have no desire for sex anymore. I had seen a doctor and got on bioidentical hormones, but my husband then said we couldn’t afford it so I had to stop them. I was totally devastated when I found out what he had been doing. He asked me to forgive him, and I told him I did forgive him but I could not forget it and we agreed to go to a marriage counselor to work on our marriage.

Unfortunately, I have just found out that my husband was sexting with my sister!! I told him that I could never get over that. I love him, but I can’t stay married to him. He said: “You’re going to let this break up our marriage?” He says it’s only role-playing, that’s all. I feel like they’re both telling lies and he is trying to turn it on me. I hate this! I didn’t want a divorce, but I know I can’t get past this. I just can’t. What do you think about what he has done? — Can’t Get Over This

36 comments… add one
  • avatar

    keyblade December 14, 2018, 10:02 am

    I think it’s time to determine your assets and figure out the best way to divorce the cheating dick. Your husband couldn’t afford your bio-identical hormones so I think he’ll need a really good attorney when you save the evidence, divorce his lying, cheating, bony, old butt, and figure out how to best sue him and your sister for emotional distress to pay for the therapy.

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  • avatar

    JD December 14, 2018, 10:07 am

    Ya you need to divorce him. You also need to say bye bye to your sister.

    I should note however that you don’t need a big sex drive to have sex. You do need to keep intimacy in your marriage in some way. I am by no means forced but sure, sometimes I am not in the “mood” but will have sex with my husband because I want to keep that as a priority in our marriage. I assure you he does the same for me, plenty often. MANY doctors will tell you, “even if you aren’t in the mood you will likely find you are once you start some touching”. I am not saying your husband is right but for the future to remember it isn’t ALL about your mood, your spouses desires are important too. It won’t kill you to have sex just because you aren’t all revved up at that moment. The amount of marriages that end because one person takes sex off the table is, well, A LOT!

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    • avatar

      quokka December 14, 2018, 10:22 am

      That’s unfair: the LW worked out a way to try to improve the intimacy in her marriage, and her husband pulled the plug on it. A lack of sex drive caused by medication can be more than ‘just not in the mood’, especially if there is also a degree of depression, another ‘more than just not in the mood’, sex drive killer. Add on to that things like vaginal atrophy, changed hormones and so on, as a result of menopause and you have a complex issue. So no, sex won’t kill her, but it might be physically painful/uncomfortable and psychologically the same. Who knows, maybe he’s a PIV and that’s it guy – who says he’s willing to do anything to make it better for her? He doesn’t come across as someone sensitive to the needs of others. He behaved badly and when discovered, blamed the LW for it; let’s not join him.

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      • avatar

        JD December 14, 2018, 10:51 am

        Ya but I’m basing what I said in the info she provided. She didn’t say it hurt.

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      • avatar

        LisforLeslie December 14, 2018, 11:07 am

        Anti-depressants can significantly diminish your sex drive and make it really hard to enjoy sex, but JD’s right -it typically doesn’t make it painful the way menopause can. Still, it sounds like she offered up a solution and by that point, he decided that he was good getting his jollies from her sister (and others) and he didn’t want to spend money on being intimate with his wife.

        Basically he acted like a petulant brat who wasn’t getting his ice cream and threw a (violent) temper tantrum. @Essie used the right term: Garbage Person.

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      • avatar

        quokka December 14, 2018, 11:16 am

        No she didn’t, but I was pointing out that post menopause there are changes that impact on one’s sex drive: your comment about being likely to get in the mood once you start touching becomes less true post menopause (even without any other issues)- biology is less likely to kick in and make things comfortable than it is when you are younger.
        Also, why did you, if you are going only on the info provided, assume she is unaware that intimacy is important in a marriage, and decide to ‘educate’ her on the issue? She provided the information that she had tried to recover her sex drive via hormones, so why not make the more likely assumption that she knew it was important?

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      • avatar

        ron December 14, 2018, 11:43 am

        I’m going to guess that the husband rejected the hormone use, not because of cost, but because he is already getting sex elsewhere and doesn’t want sex with LW now.

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    • avatar

      keyblade December 14, 2018, 10:41 am

      To be fair, she had a medical condition (depression) which she was trying to address with treatment. Her husband has rationalized texting himself satisfied with her own sister, he’s not a good guy.

      That he would even suggest that it shouldn’t be a potential marriage-breaker FOR HER just because it isn’t for HIM shows how far he is willing to rationalize away his culpability, here. The letter writer doesn’t come across as needed anymore reason to doubt herself for HIS long-term choices. An ended marriage may feel devastating but two people who come to the conclusion that they can’t reconcile their different/needs and part with each other is not indicative of hurting each other isn’t failure.

      Neither is opening up a marriage or figuring out creative solutions. He doesn’t sound like a poor sap who didn’t want to break up decades of marriage over his libido. He had to have known he was torpedoing his life when he crossed that line with her sister.

      She’s not to blame for this. Getting older is hard. Choices are difficult. Her husband has treated her and her feelings like they are nothing; I wouldn’t trust such a person in therapy.

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      • avatar

        JD December 14, 2018, 10:45 am

        I totally agree she is not to blame. Never implied that. Just reminding her that it is important to find ways for some form of intimacy for future relationships. He is BEYOND at fault but I hope she can realize if she enters into another relationship that there are ways to work with this. Surely it doesn’t make her happy either to lose that aspect of her relationship.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros December 14, 2018, 12:11 pm

      Sorry, no. He doesn’t get to say no to the solution that would have allowed her to also want to have sex and then demand that she do it anyway, even when she doesn’t want to.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie December 14, 2018, 10:26 am

    I’m sorry this is happening. Your husband is a dick. So is your sister. Your husband is making excuses, you offered to put yourself on hormones, which have health risks, and he rejected it as too expensive. But blowing up his marriage with porn and sexting (your sister!) is not expensive? You offered him a reasonable way to achieve intimacy. He decided porn and sexting was better. His choice.

    Get a lawyer to help with asset division. Find yourself a nice widower who will treat you a hell of a lot better.

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  • avatar

    Essie December 14, 2018, 10:46 am

    I had some thoughts on the difference between sex and intimacy, and the importance of keeping the intimacy in marriage even when sex is difficult or impossible.

    Then I got to the part about sexting HIS WIFE’S SISTER.

    HIS WIFE’S SISTER.

    No. It’s done. That’s as unforgivable as it gets. I don’t see how any marriage could ever recover from that kind of betrayal.

    I’m so sorry. It’s time to file for divorce.

    And I’m sorry that your sister is a garbage person, too. I hope you have a strong circle of friends in your life that you can lean on after this double betrayal.

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    • avatar

      csp December 14, 2018, 12:25 pm

      THIS^^ – LW – if this was not your sister and it was one woman. You might have been able to go to therapy and work on this. But your sister! no, he does not care about your feelings or well being. And to turn this on you? No, leave, build a life with people who care about you. But get your ducks in order. Start saving evidence and get divorced.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star December 14, 2018, 10:47 am

    It sounds like you have made up your mind, and you just want to know if it’s “OK” to divorce over this.

    The answer is yes. His excuses are stupid. You were willing to work on your marriage and potentially forgive when it was strangers. But there are few betrayals worse than your husband getting frisky with your sister. That’s a line in the sand you are PERFECTLY REASONABLE to draw.

    And shit, if all he needed was dirty talk to feel good, YOU could have provided that…

    “You’re going let this break up our marriage?” What a little worm.

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  • avatar

    JD December 14, 2018, 10:50 am

    Oh ya I’m also against violence but bravo for not clocking him.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse December 14, 2018, 10:53 am

    Therapy and a divorce lawyer.

    I’m sorry two of the people who should have had your back betrayed you. You deserve better!

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  • avatar

    Vathena December 14, 2018, 11:16 am

    He left bruises on you and was sexually intimate with YOUR SISTER. The other women would be bad enough, but your SISTER – and then he tried to justify it!!! I agree with everyone else: he’s a garbage person and a total sleaze. Leave him, get the hormones, and if you feel like it, have some hot sex with a man who deserves it. You are totally justified in wanting to end this marriage – he doesn’t even give a shit that he’s been cheating on you with your own sister.

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    • juliecatharine

      Juliecatharine December 14, 2018, 11:25 am

      This. Please listen LW, you don’t deserve this abuse and gaslighting. They’re both scum. Cut them out of your life like the trash they are then dust yourself off and move on to a life you build for yourself. Don’t bother with marriage counseling, put that time, money, and energy into therapy for you and a good divorce lawyer.

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      • avatar

        Vathena December 14, 2018, 11:42 am

        Right? The level of contempt you’d have to have for your wife to be like, “You are crazy to be mad that I was sexually role-playing with your sister” is just breathtaking. You can’t come back from that.

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      • Guy Friday

        Guy Friday December 14, 2018, 12:02 pm

        Also, though it’s not explicitly stated, it’s strongly inferred that she said something substantially similar, so the level of contempt you have to have for YOUR OWN SISTER to be like “You’re crazy to be mad that I was sexually role-playing with your husband” is just . . . I mean, jaw-dropping.

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  • avatar

    ron December 14, 2018, 11:47 am

    It’s just his story that he is only role-playing on the internet. I think that unlikely. If sexual role-playing on his smart phone is no big deal in his mind, and if that’s all it is, why the fight for the phone? I guarantee you there was far more damning evidence that mere role-playing there.

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  • avatar

    Bittergaymark December 14, 2018, 11:53 am

    Huh. Really? Are old men REALLY in such short supply that WHOLE GROUPS of women are just lining up to sext with them? Including their sisterinlaws? Really? Everybody just completely swallows this tale of woe? Eh… I dunno. Sounds awfully farfetched to me…

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    • avatar

      dinoceros December 14, 2018, 12:12 pm

      I mean, men do die a lot earlier. Maybe a lot of widows looking for some action…

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    • avatar

      LisforLeslie December 14, 2018, 2:04 pm

      As the self-professed geriatric expert:
      1. Seniors are just as stupid as every other age – they cheat and do stupid stuff like everyone else.
      2. Most hetero seniors are/were married. Pairing up is their norm. Not having a partner can be very socially limiting for women. Wives see a single woman as a threat because… item 1. For widows the social circle can get much smaller. For widowers in good health, it’s often the opposite.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. December 14, 2018, 5:56 pm

      This is true. A boss of mine retired and moved to Florida to live in a senior community. Within days of his arrival, all kinds of women started coming around; “bumping into him” around the complex,, showing up at his door with food (!) and made it very clear they were ready and willing to get with him.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor December 14, 2018, 6:30 pm

      Yeah, I have heard a bunch anecdotes about single old men getting lots of old person action.

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  • avatar

    Allornone December 14, 2018, 12:04 pm

    The levels of prickishness coming from this guy are unfathomable.

    Yes, your sex life waned, but you came up with a solution. One he rejected in favor of sexting other women. But just not any other woman, your effing SISTER. And I sincerely doubt it stopped at sexting. Actually, stike that- I know it didn’t stop at sexting. And then, AFTER ALL THAT, he has the nerve to try to gaslight you into thinking you’re the one with the problem? Honey, your only problem is his insufferable ass.

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Trust me, you don’t deserve any of it. But now is the time to leave. This guy is garbage.

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  • avatar

    cdobbs71 December 14, 2018, 12:43 pm

    Oh no! how terrible for you to go through that….i think it would hurt me more knowing that my sister was involved….if it was me i would get a divorce and cut contact with the sister as well….so sorry LW

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny December 14, 2018, 1:20 pm

    So basically, this guy is blaming the LW for HIS actions. Classic. He had choices. This is his fault, not the LW’s fault.

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  • avatar

    Rangerchic December 14, 2018, 2:09 pm

    I’m sorry your going through this LW. I agree with everyone else, divorce his ass. I have two sisters and if that happened to me (no matter the age) then there is no way I could forgive either one of them. Possibly working through a one-night stand with someone I don’t know…impossible for something like this. This sucks more because you loose two people but you’ll be better off without them.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor December 14, 2018, 3:10 pm

    I think that the husband is an asshole but I don’t think it’s fair that to assume that his refusal on the hormones was pretextual or out of selfishness. Hormone therapy, if not covered by insurance, can be enormously expensive. They may not have been able to afford it.

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    • avatar

      ron December 14, 2018, 3:14 pm

      No, Fyodor, we know the woman has insurance. She’s 70, so she’s on Medicare and Medicare covers pharmaceuticals. My wife has been on hormone medication. You’re talking less than $50/year out of pocket.

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  • avatar

    brise December 14, 2018, 3:27 pm

    First I was shocked that your husband became violent when you saw him sexting. Then I read he refused to pay for your medicine!! Then he sexts with your sister?!! Well, this is a clear case of divorce. You seemed disconnected anyway, but he is really a total jerk and someone you are better off without him in your life. You can go to a divorce attorney without hesitation or regret because this is beyond repair. Take him to the cleaners, take all evidence you can and take care of yourself, do what is good for you.

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  • avatar

    Oracle December 14, 2018, 4:04 pm

    Please see a divorce lawyer as in yesterday. Start going through bank and credit card statements. Go through your so called husbands wallet to see if their are any credit cards out there that you do not know about. It looks like he had control of the finances so who knows what has been going on. Also be open about what has been going on. Do not try and protect your sister and said husband from gossip. In this cas sunlight is the best disinfectant.

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  • avatar

    Andrea December 14, 2018, 4:23 pm

    “What do you think about what he has done?”
    I’m low-key amazed this is even a question.

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  • avatar

    allathian December 17, 2018, 6:45 am

    Oh my, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Talk to a divorce lawyer asap and get out of your marriage. He’s a jerk, and so is your sister for treating you so badly.

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