Your Turn: “My Husband Keeps Having Babies With Another Woman!”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
About four months later, he called me and told me he wasn’t happy with her and he wanted to be with me again and this time he would be faithful. He said all of this to me in front of her so she got angry and put him out and we got back together. The baby was born and she didn’t like me so she told him he could visit with his kids at her house but he couldn’t pick them up and I couldn’t come with him. He did it three times and I told him that if he wanted us to work, he would have to go to court and get court-ordered visits, and he did.
At the time they went to court for visitation, we weren’t married and the judge did allow him the visits but she said that I couldn’t be around the kids and he agreed. At this time in our relationship I had given up and just acted as if nothing bothered me. Then a year later, we got married. Things were going well, he went back to court, showed the judge that instead of me being his girlfriend I was his wife and the judge allowed me to be around the kids. Everything was going great until I learned that my husband had been sneaking around with his ex again before we said ‘I do,’ and she got pregnant with baby number three by my husband.
I became furious and numb at the same time. We are still married till this day and I just don’t care about him. What am I supposed to do? He hasn’t been with her since then the baby was born, but I don’t trust him at all. I don’t want to divorce, but my feelings are just numb. I only allow him to bring the first two children to the house but not the third child. Am I wrong for not allowing him to bring the third baby around me? He visits the baby at his relative’s house but when he goes, he doesn’t take me. What should I do? — Betrayed Wife
To answer your specific questions:
1. Get a divorce. 2. Yes, its wrong to punish the 3rd child. 3. Get a divorce. And don’t get pregnant by this man.
Really though, what did you expect from someone who decided a good time to meet another woman and begin an affair with her was when his baby was two weeks old? I hate to say it, but it really seems like you got what was coming to you. This whole thing screams trash. Just MOA before it gets worse.
I must have been typing while you posted this but I said almost the exact same thing! I’m not a copycat, I swear!
hehe, I’ll believe you, but just this once! and I love your proposed title to this letter.
Agreed, except: Either get a divorce, or get used to the fact that you are allowing yourself to be walked all over.
Letter Writer, “What am I supposed to do?” Easy, wait for a family court judge to decide that YOU get to support this woman and her children, and then come back and tell Wendy how good you feel about being the ATM for another woman’s children.
Better: Get an annulment. And some self esteem.
/facepalm…. x-ing out the browser window…
I keep hearing Seth Meyers, Really LW, REALLY !?!?
I’ll be Amy Poehler…”Really???”
Um so he was cheating on her with you when you started the ‘relationship’? Then he had another baby with her and you married him anyway? And then he had a third kid behind your back and now you don’t know whether or not to divorce him? Why did you get married? Especially after you had ‘given up’? On what him caring, whether or not he cheated? And not allowing the third child in your house in unfair to that child and probably confusing to the other two, unless they’re told it’s because he/she is still a baby. What you probably shouldn’t have done is marry the guy. I don’t really see how you can stay married. Is there any trust at all remaining? If you are absolutely adamant about staying together you need to let him see the third child in your house, go to counseling and rebuild trust. But, I just don’t see this working out. Poor kids, they are probably so confused.
actually i guess all 3 kids are ‘babies’ since they’re all under 4. ay carumba that’s a lot of babies in 4 years. i can’t even imagine being pregnant that many times so close together. and i’m guessing neither one of them has ever heard of birth control?
Well, a newborn, 2 yr old and 4 yr old really aren’t that close together. When my 3rd was born I also had a 14mo old and a 3 yr old so having kids a full 2 yrs apart doesn’t seem so bad to me. Then again, I was (still am) married and my husband doesn’t sleep with other women.
true but if i understand her timeline she got pregnant with her second when her first was 6 months old? i guess that just seems like a lot to me. i can’t imagine taking care of a 6 month old and being pregnant and then having a child that small with a newborn. i just can’t mentally imagine myself being able to deal with that. and if i understand her timeline correct which i’m not sure i do, your kids are farther apart than hers. although it sounds like there was a year or more apart between her second and third. i’m still not sure though. and yes i agree being married (or at least monogamous with! geez!) makes a giant difference.
My mom got pregnant with me when my brother was 1 1/2 months old. Yep, we were both born in the same year. Irish twins!
Oh, and LW should totally divorce this guy. How is it even a question at this point?
Wow! You don’t hear too many Irish twin stories these days.
What should you do? Divorce him. Yes, you do want one. If you don’t care about him and you don’t trust him then you need to do both of yourselves (and those kids!) a favor and get a divorce.
Yes it is unfair of you to let the first two kids come and not the baby. Shame on you. It’s not the baby’s fault.
Honestly, just the headline of this letter should be enough. Leave him. Live a happy life with a person who respects you enough not to impregnate other women.
Dear god I just read your letter more closely. Forget marrying him in the first place, what possessed you to get back together with him when the babymama was [counts on fingers] SEVEN MONTHS PREGNANT with his SECOND child? And he had already cheated on both of you? Are you some kind of masochist? Jeez, LW. I say this with only your best interests at heart: please grow some self respect. Please. Tell the babymama to grow some too. (No wonder she didn’t want you around her kids!)
What’s done is done. Sounds like it’s been well over a year since you’ve been married and he has since stopped having kids with the baby momma. Learn to forgive but don’t forget. Get some couple counseling so you can work at regaining trust and forgiving him. Always know that he might not be a faithful husband and give him some rules like: “Cheat on me again and I’ll be out of your life forever”
Also I would consider seeing the other child. The child will be in his life FOREVER and will feel left out that you have no problem with that child’s siblings. Don’t punish the child.
I could not disagree more. He cheated on his ex with her and then cheated on her with his ex at LEAST on two separate occasions. That expression “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” totally applies here.
Wendy, this is why we need purple thumbs. Because it’s clear from the other comments that most readers disagree, but it’s not indicated in the responses. Why don’t people respond to this comment? Because the answer is simple: I totally disagree with you.
yeah but purple thumbs make people feel bad for having a different opinion. I’m glad to see no purple thumbs. It also allows people with a different opinion to post and not be afraid of purple thumbs.
WHY ARE PURPLE THUMBS SCARY? Are people really that shocked that someone might disagree with them?!?
There’s two posts dedicated to that question. If you go to previous posts, they should be on that page or the next.
I’m assuming that was meant for the poster above me since I did not originally bring the issue up 🙂
No apologies necessary!
No it was for you. Yours caught my eye bc it was all caps but it really could be for anyone who was asking about thumbs that maybe didn’t realize they were discussed in another post. I’m lost on the apologies remark ?
Well I was responding to SOMEONE ELSE that brought it up, so that comment would have been better directed at them
Like I said, saw yours bc it was in all caps but certainly applied to anyone on here who didnt see the posts about thumbs. So anyway check those out if you’re curious about the thumbs debate.
If a click on a “disagree” button from a random stranger on the internet is that painful for someone, than that someone probably has a problem. This isn’t kindergarten!
Again, I miss purple thumbs…
Well said, Christy!
Let’s rephrase that to “he temporarily has stopped having kinds with the baby momma.”
Normally I would agree with you. I’m a big fan of second chances, but this is a TREND of unfaithfulness here–and an alarming one at that. Actually, scratch that. “Alarming” is putting it too mildly. He’s on what, his third/fourth chance with *each* woman in this scenario, he clearly doesn’t know the meaning of the words “birth control” and he’s proven himself to be at best weak-willed but well-intentioned and at worst a complete slimeball. Either way, there is zero reason to believe this will end well.
Thus, I am metaphorically thumbing down your comment on the basis of cordial disagreement.
Soandso,
Sorry but I disagree. “Cheat on me again and I’ll be out of your life forever” is what she should have said the first time! He has cheated on the LW mulitiple times. Forgiveness should have already come and gone at this point.
Isn’t it nice you know your way around the courthouse now – you wont need to ask for directions when you file for divorce.
Also get yourself checked for STIs, he is willing to screw around enough to get a woman pregnant three times then there are likely other women out there.
“At this time in our relationship I had given up and just acted as if nothing bothered me. Then a year later, we got married.”
Big hole here in the narrative. Why did you marry him? Doesn’t matter, divorce him.
Uhm. You need to MOA babe. This man has showed you zero respect over the last four years, including not even enough respect to wrap his shit before he cheats which is a level of awfulness I don’t even want to get into. You need to get out of this unhealthy (and crazy) relationship, STAT. If you don’t trust him, don’t care about him and you are numb towards him – why on earth would you stay around? There’s nothing left. I’m not sure there’s anything left at this point to work out – not to mention he doesn’t seem in the least remorseful of what he’s done (since he clearly has done it for a…third time now?) I think LW, you need some tough love, and to get your little booty out of there and find someone who will treat you and respect you in a way you deserve to be treated. There’s no good reason (not even a “bad” reason ) to stay in this relationship. MOA like…yesterday.
I love it. She starts out dating this tool knowing he is a lying, cheating scumbag because she is helping him be just that… And then, later on, is shocked and surprised that he is a lying cheating scumbag. Then she is shocked that he does it again. And again. Hilarious. In a dark, dark way, but still… Hilarious. Gee, sometimes people do truly get what they deserve, I guess.
If this letter were a sitcom, it would be a quirky cult fave on Showtime or a hit indie flick everyone is dying to see with someone like Zooey Deschanel or Sanaa Lathan playing the lead. If this letter were a book, it would be written by someone like Jennifer Weiner or Terry McMillan.
But it’s not. It’s real. Sometimes a lack of self esteem and loneliness drives a person to some incredibly bad decisions, and into the arms of someone we know is ultimately horrible, but eases that sting of solitude – if only for a brief moment.
I hope she learns from this and doesn’t end up taking this guy back, or substituting another loser in his place. It’s all funny until someone’s self esteem or self worth is irreparably damaged….
“It’s all funny until…” THANK YOU.
Oh by the way, did anyone see The New Girl the other night, with Zoeey Deschanel? I thought it was A.Dorable.
I did – loved it! Don’t you wish we had a douchebag jar for the guy LW is married to?
I love the idea! Wendy, add a virtual douchebag jar. We can raise money for something. Like women’s shelters or something.
what a great idea!
I did – loved it! Don’t you wish we had a douchebag jar for the guy LW is married to?
I think we should just have an all-encompassing douchebag jar for Dear Wendy… the boyfriends/girlsfriends/family members etc that LW’s write in about.
Also, what the fuck is wrong with people? SERIOUSLY LW? really? Get out, move on with your life, and thank the you gyno and modern medicine for the pill you’ve been on.
You know what? Sure, he’s a douche. But she is the bigger douche!! She out douches him is spades!! I’m sorry, she’s the one that married him. She is the idiot here. I’m sorry, but I still can’t believe how many of you are all supportive of somebody this stupid — this pathetic — this determined to revel in pointless self created drama… But when somebody writes in with real problems such as: “Hi, I am a confused bisexual who is bipolar and missing a hand” suddenly it’s all that she brought her loneliness on herself. Meanwhile, somebody who goes out of her way to marry the world’s most upfront cad is suddenly somebody who needs to be nurtured and can do better. If anybody ever brought everything all on themself it’s this space cadet of LW. Whatever… I simply don’t get many of your attitudes.
I don’t know; a guy starting a relationship with someone because his babymama can’t put out due to the birthing of his child might be the top of the douchebag mountain, unable to be out-douched.
Actually, I think a woman who up and starts banging a brand new baby daddy simply because she just wants sex (woo hoo!) is equally douchey….
But the woman doesn’t have any responsibility to the MB (as i was so vehemently told in the comments of the letter where the girl wanted to know if she should tell the wife that she accidentally hooked up with her husband). The new daddy has a very very large responsibility to the MB, especially as BM and new daddy were “together” and just, you know, had a freaking baby.
Woman might be getting a lump of coal in her stockings or coming back as a lawn gnome in her next life, but new daddy out-douches the other woman every time.
So so agreed. And extra points for the recent post reference! Ha! Also, it’s entirely possible bm and bf were separated before or immediately after birth, although probably not in THIS situation, but it certainly wouldn’t be the first couple who broke up before the baby was born. No where in her letter did I see she knew they were together. She doesnt sound too bright so he couldve told her otherwise and she believed it.
“When we got together, he was still with his babymama — their baby was two-weeks-old at the time, but that was fine because I wasn’t looking for a commitment then. “
but the letter said, ‘When we got together, he was still with his babymama — their baby was two-weeks-old at the time, but that was fine because I wasn’t looking for a commitment then.’ so i think they were together and she knew. at that point she didn’t care……
Thanks and thanks! Hadn’t re read since this afternoon. Getting tired and obviously forgetful!
You are the only one on the money. The LW is not a victim. She chose to go through this. She knew this man had a woman who just had a baby and didn’t care because she just wanted to screw. He kept going back and forth and she still didn’t care. She went ahead and married him, probably just to spite the baby mother like she was winning a prize. (Come on, what other reason could there be) And now after all is said and done she wants to play the victim and seek advice. GTFOHWTS! The only reason why he isn’t having sex with the BM anymore is probably because she got tired of him. More likely than not, he has another woman he is cheating with now. I refuse to believe he is somehow reformed.
Actually I agree with bittergaymark. The letter writer is the biggest douche in all of this. She knowingly started an affair with a man who was already in a relationship with the mother of his children. No respect at all for a woman who had just had a child. It didn’t matter to her because “she wasn’t looking for a committment at the time” So since she wasn’t looking for a committment it’s ok to help destroy another one.
His actions from the jump showed he wasn’t trustworthy. If he cheated on the mother of his children, what made her think he wouldn’t cheat on her.
My first initial thought was, “It’s called karma, deal with it!”
You don’t get into a relationship with a man knowing full well you are the other woman, allow him to go back and forth between the both of you creating multiple children, marry the guy and then come asking for advice and playing the victim role. She was a full & willing participant in this mess and drama. To top it off she is taking it out on the children by not allowing the third to come to her house. It affects all three children, they see and feel what’s going on.
They are innocent. They didn’t ask for these stupid people in their lives and they are stuck with them.
i completely agree with you. this LW had to know what she was getting in to. if she didn’t she was in some serious serious denial. i still don’t understand why you would marry someone after they cheated and had a child with someone else.
also the whole cheating with him on his gf who had a two week old at home had to let her know he wasn’t exactly a stellar guy too.
Right. Her doucheness arises just as much out of this… Not only did she bang the proud papa which was beyond tacky, but then she had the galling hubris to think that he would miraculously treat her with so much more respect… Ugh. People like this are just trash and utterly worthless in my opinion. They just gross me out…
I’m not saying its not yucky. I’m just saying I think the one who is doing the repeated, sober and conscious cheating is (almost) always yuckier/worse person than the one that they’re cheating with. But clearly, agree to disagree 🙂
Oh, I think I am holding her to a greater level of doucheness because I am combining two different things whereas you are looking only at the initial infidelity. I think she is mainly the bigger douche because she then thought he would be a great dude to marry… That is what give her the edge in the who is the bigger douche contest… 🙂 In my opinion anyway.
Yes, I was realizing that. I think delusion gets a wholly separate axis from douchbaggery, hence our disconnect. But I think that in the “who is going to be disappointed the most and its kind of there own fault” contest, LW is surely the winner.
True dat! 🙂
Sure, she’s the idiot here. But he’s still the douche. “Douche” does not equal “idiot.” If spaceboy ever comes back, he can explain the full spectrum of classes.
I mean, marrying a douche may get you an STD but it does not make you a douche. She’s an idiot. A stupid idiot – to the extent that means something. But LW is not a douche. She doesn’t seem to have treated anyone badly, except maybe herself. Is there such a thing as a self-douche? I don’t think so. But come to think of it, I’m kind of a self-douche.
except for where she says this: ‘When we got together, he was still with his babymama — their baby was two-weeks-old at the time, but that was fine because I wasn’t looking for a commitment then.’ it is pretty douchey to sleep with a guy with a 2 week old, but be fine with it because i mean she wasn’t really looking for commitment then. that is douchey extremely douchey. then she married the guy and expected him to be different? yeah i don’t get it.
i see your point. i’m still not so sure that equals “douchy.” sleazy, maybe? but she never seemed out to screw the guy over. “douchy” i feel implies fucking with someone. i mean, fucking them over. maybe if at that point the guy wanted something serious with her but she was just using him or something, that would be douchy. but it’s kind of clear from the letter that the guy was never the victim…. i dunno. you make a good point. i wouldn’t want anything to do with LW or the dude.
Not trying to fuck anybody over, eh? I dunno. She certainly is doing all she can to screw over the third child though, that’s for sure… And she certainly went out of her way to fuck with the baby momma by going after her man even though she claimed she never wanted a commitment to him…
You don’t thinking knowingly f.ucking a taken guy is douchebag behavior?
Keep away from any male in my life ever, thanks.
I don’t think the people on this post are trying to absolve LW of her poor judgment, but it’s also hard (if not cruel) to laugh at her, too. In my reply further down, I told her she really needs to get a backbone and talk to a therapist to find out why she tolerated such behavior. When someone is willing to bring this much drama on themselves, it’s hard to enjoy the unintentional humor. If it were fiction, maybe. But this is real, and LW is really hurting. It also sounds like the guy is pretty damn manipulative and able to get LW – who is vulnerable and open to manipulation – to do whatever he’s wanted. Plus, from the tone of the letter, it sounds like she knows she’s really screwed up and is ready to change. She’s taking the wrong path (don’t punish the kids), but she’s trying. It’s not reinforcing a bad pattern to kindly tell LW to dump the guy and get it together – which is what most of us are saying. It’s encouraging someone who’s trying to get it together to keep trying and providing the right way to do it.
I agree! Neither “what did you expect? he did it with you to her, why are you surprised he’s a piece of crap? you two deserve each other” nor “you made in your bed, now lie in it” is helpful advice. In fact, it isn’t advice.
This all made me think of a different friends episode, where Ross had just said Rachel’s name at his wedding, and Emily was demanding that he never see Rachel again, or she wouldn’t come to America. Ross was a messed and asked his friends for advice, any advice at all.
Joey responded: “Well…” and Ross was like “What? what?” and Joey was like: “You aren’t going to like it” and Ross was like: “That’s ok”, and Joey was like: “You got married too fast,” to which Ross responds: “That isn’t advice. I agree with Ross, that isn’t advice– its just judging and while possibly well-deserved, it isn’t helpful. Judge if you want, but just know it isn’t advice.
People like this love drama, and love helping to create it. She wouldn’t be in this situation if she had half a brain. So I suggest she just goes ahead and gets knocked up by him too to prove that he loves her at least 1/3 as much as the baby mama. Then she can get on welfare because her brain obviously isn’t going to get her anywhere in life and he clearly can’t keep up with his obligations, and she will be set for life! Win-win! It’s like a fairytale. Meanwhile I’m going to continue working and saving so that in 10 years after paying off my house I might be able to afford to have kids — that is if taxes don’t go up anymore since I will be payin for all these kids on top of my own.
Rant over.
Wait, the LW isn’t the one with the babies, and we don’t know her financial situation. Also, she didn’t seem to create the drama. When she was the “other woman” she was OK with that, and in fact broke up with the dude when she found out the mother was pregnant again. At the time she got married, she was under the impression that her man was faithful. I get the impression that she would have left him AGAIN at this point if they weren’t legally married.
Yes, I agree that HE is incredibly irresponsible, and SHE was at least temporarily stupid to marry him – but that doesn’t mean “her brain obviously isn’t going to get her anywhere in life” and she’s going to be on welfare FOREVER. I just think your assumptions are a little harsh.
And good for you for waiting to be financially ready before you think about having kids.
“At the time she got married she was under the impression that her man was faithful”
ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Her “man” (if you can call him that – I think loser is more accurate) cheated on the mother of his child while the child was TWO WEEKS OLD. Therefore the day she got together with him she knew he was a cheater. Then, while they are dating he cheats on her with this woman again. So unless they got pregnant after only boning one time – i’m going to go out on a limb here and say they were most likely boning the whole time he was dating the LW – that’s at a minimum two concrete instances in which she knew he was a cheater.
“I get the impression that she would have left him AGAIN at this point if they weren’t legally married”
Really? I don’t. She hasn’t left him yet. She got back together with him the first time. And i’m pretty sure she’s going to stay with him this time.
Your right in that my assumptions were a litte harsh, but although harsh, i’m still pretty sure they are accurate.
Also: 2 weeks after giving birth, a woman cannot have sex (as far as i understand – mom’s correct me if i’m wrong). In fact, 6 weeks of those three months of bliss, the MB couldn’t have sex.
So it might even be fair to say this guy stopped boning MB ONLY because that was a period of time the original couple COULDNT have sex. Which takes this all to a new low for me. He is a triple-douche for cheating because MB couldn’t put out; LW is pretty crappy for knowing this and doing it anyway, and the whole thing is yucky.
She’s gross. I have absolutely no sympathy for her. Talk about reaping what you sow. This is what is known as “karma”.
I think he’s grosser. that is like, my worst fear — that the second you are out of commission, he’s going to move on. (My “he” is hypothetical, and of course I wouldn’t marry anyone that I actually had this misgiving about them specifically — people are scared of tunnels but still go to work through them.)
blechy.
Meh – lets call it a tie. She banged him when she knew he had a two week old baby and was STILL TOGETHER with the babymama, meanwhile showing absolutely no remorse – “I didn’t care because I wasn’t looking for a commitment” (Which I find it odd that she wasn’t looking for a commitment – and that is her excuse for being okay with helping him cheat – yet she goes on to marry him, but that’s a whole other can of worms). He cheated on the mother of his child while her vajayjay was probably still full of baby making juice. I mean, patato patatoe.
The point is she is hardly a victim here no matter which way you spin it. Yes, he might be more gross than her, but does it really matter? It’s kind of splitting hairs at this point.
You’re right-you are supposed to wait at least 6 weeks which coincides with your first ob gyn appt and when you would be healed if you had an episiotomy.
“About four months later, he called me and told me he wasn’t happy with her and he wanted to be with me again and this time he would be faithful. He said all of this to me in front of her so she got angry and put him out and we got back together.”
At the time they got married, she thought he was faithful to her – and she didn’t know until AFTER they were married that the other chick was pregnant again. He cheated once, she left him, then stupidly got back together with him. She’s not the first OR last person to forgive a cheater.
And she stated in her letter that she doesn’t want a divorce. We all here seem to think she should get one, but some people just don’t believe in it for whatever reason, and I think it’s ONE factor (if not the only) that is keeping her with him at this point.
I hear what you’re saying. And I might be amenable to that if they’d been married 10, 15, 20+ years. And if this was a one-time, she found out, he apologized, it never happened again situation. But those aren’t the circumstances here. Divorce wouldn’t be tearing apart their home or destroying their family. It’d be giving her a chance at having those things in a functional capacity sometime in the future. This. Is irreparably broken.
She would rather “not believe in divorce” than acknowledge that she is allowing herself to be someone’s potentially diseased come-dumpster, doormat, and jump-off, unaccepting, bitter stepmother, and spending the rest of her life committed to someone who in no uncertain terms is not committed to her? And sorry for the biting description, LW, but even you have to acknowledge that that’s what’s happening here. You aren’t his wife. You’re someone he signed a legal document with, and that’s ALL.
Divorce is not the Easter Bunny. It’s very real & a very real necessity sometimes whether you want to believe in it or not. Even very few religions (and only VERY fundamentalist sects) would mandate the LW stay married under these circumstances. And any religion that requires a woman to be an honorable wife to a dishonorable husband is probably one that people should reconsider for filling their spiritual needs.
the one thing that bothers me about this defense of her is this:
When we got together, he was still with his babymama — their baby was two-weeks-old at the time, but that was fine because I wasn’t looking for a commitment then.
she was sleeping with him while he was still with the babymama. and then she magically thinks he is going to choose her and be faithful. sorry she had to know that he was a cheater since he cheated on his babymama with her. and really he called her in front of his babymama to let the LW know that he was only going to be with her. and what that made her htink he was a good guy? sorry but she knew exactly what kind of guy he was before she married him and decided to anyway. now she expects him to be faithful? why since his track record is so great?
I know, I know. I completely agree that hooking up with him while he was involved was wrong (although, arguably more wrong on his part, if we’re talking about degrees of wrongness). But not everyone believes the “once a cheater always a cheater” thing, and she WANTED to believe him when he said he’d be faithful in the future.
I just think, what’s done is done. They all did some F’d up stupid shit. Her question is, what should she do now? And I agree with everyone else – divorce. Get away from BOTH of them, LEARN from these horrendous mistakes, and move on.
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. (Albert Einstein)
Why would you want to stay with someone who repeatedly disrespected you in such a way? Divorce him and don’t look back! Get tested for STIs because clearly he doesn’t use protection. And please spend some time (either by yourself or with a therapist) figuring out why you ever married this guy in the first place! You deserve to be with someone who you trust, respect and love AND that those things are all reciprocated. Stand up for yourself and kick his ass to the curb, pronto!
is this a joke???
divorce.
Beat me to it.
I wondered if it might be a gag letter…
Miles?
Ugh, this was painful to read, LW. Your relationship with this man is going nowhere fast! Get out! Divorce should never be taken lightly, but sheesh! Divorce this man as quickly as you possibly can. Marrying him was a huge mistake based on what you’ve told us.
And yes, you are wrong for not allowing the third baby around you. It’s not the baby’s fault he exists, nor is it any of the other kids’ faults. If you prohibit anyone from being around you, it should be your idiot husband!
Good Lord.
I can only hope this is fake and written by someone who watches too much daytime TV.
Sadly, no. I suspect that this is very much a real letter. Sadly, I am beginning to believe that the more ludicrous and ridiculous a letter sounds — the more legit it is! 😉
It is sad.
I feel like people should reread their own letters and see wtf they are writing, if they were reading it they would be like WTF!!! Why when in the situation do they not see it 🙁 It’s very frustrating.
You’re right. It’s usually harder to see it for what it is when you are in the middle of it.
yip when it is your own situation you see the whole context and it seems way less black and white.
I’m guessing the problem is that Wendy receives the sames types of letters over and over but to make the site work she needs content that is constantly new so ends up with new that is sadly pathetic.
Good Lord woman! MOA and get a divorce.
I don’t know what all the negative comments are for. You seem like a bright and emotionally stable woman, and one that I would look up to. Stick with him, he is a good man and you’ll never be able to upstage him. I don’t see what the big deal is.
You forgot to say “amiright”
Surprise, this was just the episode of Maury you were watching, right Wendy?
wow. I always wonder how people get into those situations. he has to pay 3 children’s child support. You don’t have 3 babies using condoms. MB (the Baby Mama, “MB” because BM isn’t fair) clearly still loves him and wants/has to be a part of his life; that isn’t surprising. The question is, why do you?
You say you are emotionally numb. Why would you want to stay married to a man who hurts you this much, lies to you this much and clearly does not see the same future for you two as you do. Did you want a life half-raising some other woman’s children, who you can’t see without resentment rising in your stomach? Is your religion against divorce? I don’t get it. You can walk away pretty much scott free (hopefully no alimony). Those kids have a mommy, so you aren’t removing the only mother they’ve known and you won’t even see the baby. Your husband WILL absolutely go back to the MB and continue to cheat on her. Do you want children, ever? Do you want them to have to share their daddy with his other family, the one he had started before Mommy even met daddy, and then sorta at the same time? Do you want to explain that to your kids? Do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal and this is how men should treat women? (meaning both you and the MB) Do you want your daughters thinking that women should sleep with other people’s partners and then keep getting pregnant without being in any sort of committed relationship??? three times is not an accident, its a way of life.
GTFO of there. You don’t have kids with him; chances are you don’t share a mortgage with him (3 child support payments can add up). Run.
Good point about the child support. And yeah, I went with “BM”. Haha.
Right! If nothing else, maybe the fact that he’s broke will keep her away.
“three times is not an accident, its a way of life.”
So damn true. If I could give you a standing ovation for this, I definitely would.
Just to give the LW a LITTLE credit…
It sounds like, from her letter, the FIRST time he “cheated” was when they FIRST got together, and I question whether or not he even claimed to be monogamous at that point. He was still with the “babymama” (hate that term) and just because they were together every day, she assumed monogamy. THEN when the BM (babymama, not bowel movement) said she was prego for the 2nd time, LW broke it off.
And then SB (scumbag) he went back to the LW and promised to be faithful and did it in front of the BM. And it was after THAT that she married him. She didn’t find out BM was preggers a THIRD time until AFTER they were married (or so it seems).
I also sense a rivalry between LW and the BM, and I hope the LW doesn’t think that by leaving him, she’s letting the other woman “win”. I think SHE would be the winner to get these 2 people out of her life.
And, JEEZUS if SB wants to cheat WITHOUT getting caught (and/or contracting STIs), the least he could do is use a freaking condom!!!! Disrespectful on so many levels, to BOTH women.
I think SB is irresponsible and disrespectful and a POSh (Piece of Shit) and you should MOA. LW, don’t listen to any of his excuses. And to answer the question about the 3rd baby, yes it is unfair to exclude him/her, so if you do decide to stay with your husband, don’t unfairly punish the innocent baby.
You: Divorce
Him: Condoms
Her: IUD
Kids: Therapy
LW: Divorce, STI tests, therapy
Him: STI tests, vasectomy, therapy
Her: IUD/sterilization, STI test,s therapy
Kids: Hugs, mentors
LW: Divorce, STI tests, therapy
Him: STI tests, vasectomy, therapy
Her: IUD/sterilization, STI test,s therapy
Kids: Hugs, mentors
Is it just me or are all the guys that the LW’s write about this week exceptionally douchetastic?
Now to this current LW: MOA, DTMFA….Damn LW, UNFUCK this guy already.
Why are you even letting this guy near you, when he CLEARLY can get access to another’s privates anytime and has no self control of his penis so he put it anywhere he damn wants?!? Damn LW, cheating is automatic grounds for an uncontested divorce in ALL jurisdictions and you have the perfect exhibits to support your case – Kid#1, Kid#2 and Kid#3!!! I feel sorry for these children – what kind of father do they have who can’t exert control over HIS OWN PENIS so as not to put it ANYWHERE ELSE?!?!?
Get a lawyer, get tested, get a divorce, get a counselor, get anywhere you want LW – as long as you get away from this douchetastic excuse of a man and unfuck him already!
Oh, he CAN control his penis. And this is what he CHOOSES to do with it.
Douchetastic. Awesome!
She does not have any “perfect exhibits” as kid #1, kid #2 and kid #3 were conceived prior to the marriage. Obviously, she should still divorce him, but it might not be as easy as portrayed, depending on her location.
Is this a joke?
Honey, don’t punish the kids. It’s not their fault that they were conceived and born. They had no choice in the matter. The two moronic “parents” had all the choice in the world, and you can see what terrible, hurtful choices they made.
It’s time to face facts:
Your “husband” doesn’t give two shits about your feelings, your health, or you in general. If he did, he wouldn’t have cheated on you once, let alone numerous times and gotten his ex pregnant two more times. He wouldn’t have cheated on his ex (so you know he really doesn’t care about her either). How many other women does he need to fuck and/or impregnate for you to realize that all he cares about is his own sexual gratification?
Your “husband” is not worth the time, effort, or heart ache. You need to leave this psuedo-relationship and live your own life – free of drama, pain, and the risk of STDs.
I wish you strength. The strength to hold your head up high, gather your self-esteem and walk away from this piece of scum and never look back. The strength to find YOUR happiness. You won’t find it with this creep.
Good lord, woman. Take a look at what you just wrote and then think about it.
First, and most importantly, the 3 children have done nothing wrong here. Remember that and remember it well. Because it was your jerk of a husband that fathered these children with another woman, and to put restrictions on him seeing his 3rd child is not your place.
Second, you and this fertile woman need to move on from this man. Especially you. You don’t mention having any children with him, and you say “I just don’t care about him”. Then have some self-respect and move on.
Lastly, try to avoid similar scenarios like this in the future. It will probably be best for all parties potentially involved.
I don’t think one person has mentioned (though I may have missed it) the possibility that the LW doesn’t want to divorce this guy because she can’t make it on her own.
It’s possible that it’s less about her lack of self-respect and a lot more about the fact that she’s not able to support herself financially. Reading between the lines I would guess that’s why she doesn’t want to leave. She already said she has no feelings for the guy anymore and has no trust for him. If it was that easy to leave, she’d leave.
Does anyone have advice for how to extricate yourself from a marriage when you fear you don’t have the resources to be alone? Even getting a simple divorce by downloading the forms from online and making a court appointment to finalize it costs money – I’ve been through it and you’re talking at least a few hundred bucks. And then what do you do afterward? I think what she may really need is advice on HOW to leave the guy, since she seems afraid to do so.
Thats really hard to give without knowing what state she’s in. Every state has different rules, laws, and resources. Telling her what to do in MA isn’t going to help if she’s in MO.
Sure, I just think it’s interesting that no one has acknowledged she might not have the resources to leave. Obviously she should leave, but maybe there’s more to it than “stop being stupid and leave already!”
I agree. Though maybe its because she said “I don’t want to get divorced” rather than anything implying that she couldn’t afford one. Letters tend to (or at least should) address things like that. Though I really do agree that information on exactly how would be more productive if that is her problem. If she needs encouragement to take steps to get the process started, these messages might help that.
I think most people are having the reaction they are because really she never should have married this guy. She had more red flags than she needed to see that this guy was no good. And it didn’t come across from the letter that she was asking how to leave but rather what should she do. As in should she stay or leave (at least that’s how I read it). If she had said I really want to leave but feel I can’t because of extenuating circumstances people may have reacted differently.
But you’re reading into the letter something that isn’t there. She didn’t say “I want a divorce but I don’t think I can afford it,” she said she wasn’t sure if she should get a divorce.
And the only answer to that is OF COURSE you should get a divorce. There are law firms that do community service cheap/free legal representation for those who really need it. But she needs to admit to wanting a divorce before those will do any good.
Unless this guy is quite wealthy, and his behavior is not that of a wealthy guy, then paying child support for 3 kids is unlikely to leave him much to support LW. I’m going to guess that LW is closer to supporting him than the other way around. I’ll also guess that he isn’t paying any child support, because he has no on-the-books income and is so blase about the whole concept of churning out kids with another woman, because the taxpayers are supporting his kids. Either way, I doubt he is supporting LW.
Call legal aid or your local bar association. Drain the joint account. Get alimony.
maybe not drain but make sure you stop your direct deposits etc and get any money out that is yours before you leave. because if both of your names aren’t on the account the minute you leave/ask for a divorce he will more than likely cut off access or freeze the accounts.
Judging by this dudes actions I wouldn’t be surprised if the joint account IS all hers. Maybe he married her so she could be the babydaddy-mama’s sugar mama.
I was thinking that for him to be so inexplicably and consistently drawn to the “baby mama” that there must be something LW offers him that BM does not – most likely stability or financial security.
true but if his name is on the account he may still be able to freeze it. i’m not sure about the rules/laws there. so still best to get her own new account! and i had to read babydaddy mama’s sugar mama twice before i got it!
I would ask her where she was living before she shacked up with this guy. Perhaps she can move back into the same situation. I mean, if she could afford it then, hopefully she should be able to afford it now.
I think she CAN support herself. She had a home for him to move into at the beginning of their relationship. If we go by THAT logic, she had to be supporting herself somehow to have a place to live for him to move into when he was kicked out of the childrens’ mother’s home in the first place.
She makes no mention that she isn’t working or can’t work. That would be a big issue, one big enough TO mention if it were an issue, so obviously it isn’t.
I have a feeling that once she kicks him out, he’ll run right back to the kids and the mother of those kids. Probably pop out another kid with her. They will live the welfare train until their “benefits” run out.
Just to play devil’s advocate here-You say she makes no mention of being poor, can’t work, etc., which I agree with you in that she probably would’ve mentioned it if it were the case, she also makes no mention of him or the baby mama being so poor the kids are or will be on welfare. So why assume that? And I don’t just ask you, but the other commenters who’ve alluded to that. Now, if they are, that sucks because its another example of people using the system the wrong way. If there weren’t people like that taking advantage, the “system” would be considered a good thing I think. There are people who truly need it because they lost their job, whatever the reason, and assuming they paid into it when they could, they do deserve it when they need it.
You do have a valid point and it probably needed to be made on behalf of all the people using the system the correctly. You could even be right. I say that as the daughter of a (once) single mother who at the time of my birth had no education and very little in the way of prospects. We were on food stamps and in Section 8 housing until I was four. She used public assistance programs to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies while she got herself an education, a job and, eventually, a gig as a very happy stay at home mom with a wonderful husband and two more children with him.
That being said… come on. Babymama at least is probably on welfare. And/or living with her relatives.
People like your mother were an inspiration to me at one point in my life and I’m sure an inspiration to many other people. She’s also the PERFECT example of the correct use of the “system.” Thanks for sharing!
Trust me – “babymama” is at least on one or two kinds of welfare. Medicaid to keep birthing those babies, and continuing insurance for them. Food stamps/WIC so they have formula and food. Daycare assistance if she is working. Trust me – it costs A LOT to put three kids in daycare full time. At least $1600/mo at the ages of those kids.
Why? Its not unheard of that a woman (especially married) has 3 kids and isn’t on welfare. (see above where I said I’m playing devil’s advocate)
Play devil’s advocate all you want. I’m being realistic here. I see too much of this on a daily basis to think that this woman is living in the lap of luxury somewhere in Beverly Hills, working as a graphic designer for some major magazine while she is still sleeping with her “baby daddy” while he’s married to some other woman while she keeps having his children.
I’m just pointing out that there are millions of women who have 3 or more kids and have never been on welfare.
Very few of them though are THIS messed up.
Um easiest answers in the world:
1. DIVORCE HIS ASS
2. Get your whacked out self into some damn counseling
3. Use the counseling to help you gain some type of self confidence/esteem
4. Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat
5.DIVORCE HIS ASS and never look back
6. Gain some damn self respect woman! Its women like you who make us look like we all should except this type of behavior!
Ok my turn for a question:
You don’t give a crap about him anymore but you don’t want to divorce him? Explain your reasoning please!
Holy birth control failure, Batman.
Dude, LEAVE. LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE. We met the Mayor of Dicktown yesterday, but I think your husband must be the county commissioner or something.
The guy is scum. I mean, seriously, SCUM. First of all, he started a new affair/relationship with you when his first kid was two weeks old, then he moved IN with you WHILE STILL SLEEPING WITH THE OTHER WOMAN. Then he cheated on you AGAIN with her, AFTER you were MARRIED!
What part of this sounds like a good relationship to you?
LW, you deserve more. You really do. From the details in your letter I’m getting the sense that you have low self-esteem, and somehow you don’t think that you can or will do better. Well, I’m here to promise you, flat-out, that you can. And you will, if you get out of this nightmare as soon as possible.
And by the way, get a halfway decent divorce attorney and take him for every cent you can.
He’s the comptroller.
He is the County Liason to the Queen for Dicktonia. Or, the Governor of Dicktonia.
I like the Earl of Dick.
or Dick of Earl.. dick dick dick, dick of earl..
Now I’m going to have the DUKE of Earl stuck in my head. Thanks. At least I have it on my computer to be able to listen to the real thing!
yeah, don’t want someone overhearing you singing “dick of earl.” They may not be DW readers
*laugh* In my office – they’d probably think it was the new Weird Al cd I ripped onto my computer.
He’s the AD HOC ON WASTE REDUCTION & RECYCLING of Dicktown.
The heart of the problems lies not with this douchebag, but with this woman who seems to not have enough sense to date someone who was totally available. I’m not sure why she is against divorcing him since she didn’t seem to have a problem banging him in the first place while knowing that he had an infant at home. Sadly, I don’t feel sorry for her since she got herself into this mess.
This is all about getting while the getting is good:
1) Get tested for every STI you can. You don’t know who else he’s been with or what he’s picked up along the way.
2) Get a damn good divorce lawyer. You may be able to get your marriage annuled based on what you’ve outlined here. Even if you can’t, you need to get a divorce ASAP.
3) Get a backbone strong enough not to let this guy back in your life ever again. That means get him out of the house (or get yourself out of the house, whichever is more feasible), get the locks changed, get a new phone number, get new passwords on your e-mails/personal accounts/Facebook, etc., and get yourself prepared for life on your own, away from this drama. And do not give into the temptation to take him back. He will keep hurting you as long as you tolerate this behavior.
4) Get past the urge to punish the children. They are innocent bystanders, an output of the problems created by the adults responsible for their care. They do not deserve any more drama in their young, fragile lives.
5) Get yourself to a good therapist or counselor to help you work through this situation. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s time for you to heal, and learn how to move forward.
Go get the happiness you deserve. Good luck to you.
Very true about the annulment. Always love your comments Tracey.
Thank you! That made me smile.
I agree. Tracey has a lovely way with words and gives solid advice!
Yeah, I was wondering about an annulment as well. She should definitely look into it.
Really? They got married. They had sex… To me, that is simply far past the point of annulment. She made a mistake. Move on, sure. But own up to it and accept it as a divorce… The whole annulment things often feels like a cheat to me…
Who are you people!? And if I’m reading this right–and I certainly hope I’m not–the babymomma got pregnant with Child #2 3 months after she gave birth to Child #1. Even if it’s 6 months, there clearly was no real break in his relationship with her, and for all you know he’s been screwing both of you–literally and figuratively–since you and he met. (Baby #3 seems to lead me to this conclusion.)
AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE KIDS! (Also, don’t punish the kids–baby or toddlers–for their parent’s bad choices. It’s not their fault. Deal with this like an adult, meaning, don’t punish the kids.)
MOA. FMOA. And then PLEASE grow up a little and only date men who pinky-swear to use condoms until they are mature enough to be a legitimate, supportive father. And who also pinky-swear to be faithful to you and not HAVE SEX WITH THEIR EXES/ANYONE ELSE WHILE YOU ARE MARRIED! Mmmkay?
Lawsy.
Can I just say I’m going to have to steal “lawsy” and use it like I thought of it?
I don’t understand how people can feel okay with using children to hurt someone else. Like mothers refusing the father time with their child because they’re mad, instead of a valid reason like he’s not safe for the child. That hurts more than the person the hurt is intended for.
Children are not pawns, they’re people! Really! Trying to manipulate someone through a child is so low.
Just some advice – don’t bang dudes that have 2 week old babies at home. Especially if they are “still together” with the baby mama.
Thank you.
Get a legal separation. Divorce. Do not communicate with him. Do not communicate with HER. Do not communicate with the children. Move on. Obtain common sense. In that order.
I actually think she would need to get some common sense first… 🙂
I’m with RR’s timeline. She doesn’t have that kind of time. Divorce first, learn lessons later.
It might take longer to obtain common sense. If she waits for the common sense to kick in, he could already have 3 more children. Best to just blindly follow the advice of people who already have common sense while she works on acquiring some for herself.
But the thing you can do today, besides calling the divorce lawyer, is STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. No P in V ever again. The best thing you have going for you is that you do not have a baby with this man. Keep it that way! Now, I am not a fan of abstinence only education, but they do have one thing right: it is the only way to have a 100% success rate. You can’t take that chance. No more poon for you.
In most jurisdictions, the offense of cheating is automatic grounds for an uncontested divorce. A legal separation is no longer necessary. One can just up and move on.
But LW, really? Do you have joint anything with this guy before you married him? Mortgages? Bank accounts? Insurance plans? Property? Stop that stuff…and Unfuck him already!
SGMcG,
That is probably wrong. A majority of states have “no-fault” divorce, so the cheating is immaterial.
Actually, ALL the states have no-fault divorces as of August 2011. It would be potentially better for the LW if she did establish fault in the divorce though, not only to make sure that all financial obligations are fully severed, but also that she may not be potentially liable for some of his obligations, like child support. If she was the sole bread winner in the marriage, she would want to protect that.
No law in America would make her liable for his child support.
Although she wouldn’t be directly liable to pay what HE is supposed to, if SHE was the sole bread winner in the marriage, she could be potentially be paying HIM alimony and liable to pay whatever that entails. If in his request for alimony payments he includes an item for the accounting child support payments, the court could approve that calculation and issue an order of judgment to increase her alimony payments accordingly. So although it is an indirect way of doing it, there is a way to manipulate the laws so that she is paying for his child support for the other kids – especially if she’s already presented herself to the Family Court as this guy’s wife.
I think that could totally happen…I do…which is sad….but a decent lawyer and a reasonable jury would (I hope) not make a woman who tried to make a family with a man pay for the man’s other family he created while married to this woman.
If a jury is even an issue…I have no idea how the legal system works in detail (probably a good thing?)
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I’m glad that you’re making “unfuck” happen.
“It’s a thing. It’s out there.”
I’m honestly surprised that more people don’t say it. I’ve been using it ever since I learned the context of “Fuck You” when I was in high school. I last used it in a verbal spar took place near the corner of 5th ave and 53rd st and the person told me: “Fuck You.” And I responded, “‘Fuck ME?’ you say? Frankly dude, I don’t want to, and I’m sorry I EVER did. Fuck Me?!? The nerve. Fuck ME?!? Oh no no no no…Fuck YOU…and UNFUCK you 10 times over.”
Not all guys deserved to be Unfucked. I like the memory of most of the guys I enjoyed sexytimes with. I only save it for the douchetastic – the ones that make me go – what WAS I thinking. A lot of letters this week have made me go, what WAS the LW thinking with THIS guy? They all need to be Unfucked accordingly. 😛
Cheating is cheating, whether it produces a child or not. I will assume, that the husband is a moocher and LW was taking care of him. One is a baby mama and you are the sugar mama. I will also assume ‘baby mama’ and your husband wanted and loves these three children, wish them well and move on.
Am I the only one who thinks this letter is a joke? Please please please tell me that people can’t actually be this stupid IRL.
I work with the public. So I can assure you, in no uncertain terms, that they can be this stupid.
And are.
Frequently.
Yep. I work in public health – STD/HIV to be precise – and hear stories like this all the time.
Mental health/substance abuse; formerly corrections (prison);
Yes – people CAN be this stupid, and some ARE this stupid. Often. It can be very, very sad to watch. Especially when you see second generation stupidity working the system to be able to bring third generation stupidity into the world.
I can certainly see what the guy is getting out of this set up. He’s got his family (3 kids and their mom), but rather than actually live with them and have to deal with all the unpleasantries of parenthood (of which there are many), he gets to live with you and enjoy the kid free lifestyle. I guess he wanted more kids, but didn’t want to have to live with them? Is that why he kept having kids with her rather than you?
I can see what the baby mama might get out of it. Perhaps she is hoping that they’ll get back together and he’ll move in and she won’t be alone with all those freakin kids all time?
What do you, LW, get out of it? Are you financially dependent on him? Perhaps there is a close friend or family member that you can stay with while you get your finances in order. Is he a super great lover? I’m sure that he’s not the only one that can do what you like. Is he a nice, sweet guy who treats you well other than this one thing? Once again, he’s not the only guy that can be nice and sweet to you. Do you not want the stigma of being a divorceé? You don’t have to tell everyone everyone you meet that you’ve had a divorce.
If you do choose to try to work things out, it is essential that you accept all of his children. Try to enjoy having kids that you get to play with, snuggle on, and then send home. Personally, I think you should find a better situation.
This one is WTF all around-almost to the point that it seems like a fake letter. I mean really, can someone be THAT much of a doormat or be willing to put up with that behavior especially since (thank the lord) they don’t have kids together?!?! At this point I don’t think there is anything that he can do to make her wake up and M the f OA!!
I can’t even wrap my brain around it. This girl needs to get her head on straight and get out of there, before the other two children that she agrees to see (the biggest WTF of the letter in my opinion as a mother) get too attached to her. They have been through enough and already have a crazy enough road ahead of them. I have never wanted to reach out and slap a LW so bad before. *steps down from soapbox*
It’s like she tried scraping the bottom of the barrell, turned it over and found this dude.
*Bangs head on desk*
Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don’t even own a TV
Paranoia, paranoia, everybody’s coming to get me!
Just say you never met me!
I’m living underground with the moles
To dig holes…
Now I need to listen to that song!
They’re called condoms people. Seriously, children are an entirely preventable condition.
LW, I think you might be depressed. You should get screened for depression as well as STIs. I think the numbness and the inability to move on from an unworkable situation might be pure emotional exhaustion. If that’s the case, then you won’t get any better until you get this guy out of your life. He is not going to stop cheating on you– he has proven multiple times that he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t care about his babies’ mother, and he probably will never be able to care for a woman at all. You are the third arm of a horrible triangle. You must realize that if he’s gotten her pregnant three times it was ON PURPOSE. If he didn’t want her pregnant, he would have used a condom. If she didn’t want to get pregnant, she’d have made her way to the local clinic and gotten an IUD. It isn’t the fault of those babies, so don’t take it out on them. But good lord almighty, make a plan and get out of there woman. If you can’t afford the divorce yet, fine, but you can still leave. Find someone to rent you a room or a studio apartment, get a second job flipping burgers– anything to get you out of that house so you can begin to get the strength back to fix your life. And when you leave, don’t tell him where you’re going.
Get your own bank accounts– don’t completely drain the household joint account, depending on your jurisdiction that can get you in trouble, but you can take half. Take your name off any joint accounts you have– whether it’s the lease, the bank account or just netflix. If he wants to screw you, all he has to do is stop paying a bill that also has your name on it. Change the passwords on EVERYTHING. And don’t use something easy to guess. If you have trouble check out this excellent advice– . Even if you’re setting up utilities at your new digs, put pin numbers on your accounts. You can also flag your credit for several months free of charge to keep him from opening new accounts in your name if he knows your SS#. You just have to call them. Flagging your credit means that anyone opening an account has to take extra measures to prove identity, they can’t just open one online. Once you’ve disengaged and protected your financial life, you can begin to get back on your feet and start going through the process to get a divorce or annulment. Call legal aid to get started. And don’t forget your local library. I can guarantee that the librarians have helped other women research the problems you are currently facing and can give you direction and advice.
“Children are an entirely prevenatable condition”
I am obsessed with you.
Oh boy. Children are “conditions.” Wow. I really hope some of commanders on here are and remain childless. Were you a condition to your parents? Is that how people should treat children? Disgusting.
I think her point is that was made abundantly clear by the LW that these were children that nobody truly wanted… And that’s sad. Very sad. But you know what? It’s also entirely preventable. I grow weary of stupid, lazy-ass people breeding like sewer rats and then doing a really shitty job of raising their kids so that the rest of us have to either put up — or all too often pay up to take care of them. And yes, as others have mentioned, I’d bet the universe that the state is paying for the raising of these children.
I am sensing some bitterness from you tonight that is slightly personal towards me. I will choose to interpret them as friendly purple thumbs (I disagree with your opinion respectfully) and not actual personal attacks. But yeah I was getting at exactly what Mark stated above.
I feel bad for those kids, and 100% think this guy should not be allowed to procreate. Someone needs to raise these kids in a healthy environment before they rob me in 10 years. Everything about this situation screams trash – that I think we can all agree on.
Getting out is the only way, LW. Divorce isn’t easy, but it feels better than being with someone who really cares nothing for you and whose callous disregard for common decency is tearing down your self esteem and self respect every day you spend with him.
Your husband has a family and unfortunately, you are not a part of that family. It’s time to go and never look back.
One of the underlying misconceptions in this letter: ALL MEN CHEAT
FALSE!! FALSE!! FALSE!!
Not all men cheat and CERTAINLY not all women accept cheating. MOA and change the way you see men, what you expect of them, and what your personal relationship requirements are. This is not acceptable, never was, and there is NO REASON for you to stay one single second longer. Get a divorce, start seeing a therapist, and never look back.
How old are these people?! They sound like they are in fucking high school. This is one messed up love triange, and the dude is the only one who is benefitting from this. I don’t know why you love(d) him or why you’re still with him, but you will be SO much better off if you divorce him right now. Like, TODAY. Or soon, whatever.
He’s going to keep doing it. One time, that could be excusable. But three really is not. It is a pattern. He’s a serial knocker-up, only with just one woman. I don’t understand why he keeps going back to this other woman. WHY??? Why??? He claims to “hate” her but keeps going back? It makes no sense. You need to be careful, because this kinda smells like a “plan” to me. Like other commenters have said, you could very well be his sugar mama.
First thing you need to do – call a lawyer. Find out the divorce/annulment laws in your state. He lied to you. That’s definitely grounds for divorce, I just don’t remember the terms for it. Misrepresentation?
You made a mistake in marrying him, but it is not too late to correct that mistake. You can be happy. You can find someone who won’t knock up other women. Being single and alone is better than being with someone who makes you miserable, seriously. The penis isn’t so awesome that you should subject yourself to constantly feeling betrayed and humiliated.
P.S. Yes, you are wrong for not letting the third child come to your house. It’s a child. It has no idea what a douchebag his/her father is.
This should have been a “Dear Miles” letter…
JESUS, LW. Get yourself some goddamn common sense. This whole letter just screams “trashy”. Honestly? He’s still WITH the babymomma, because he’s STILL HAVING CHILDREN WITH HER.
And has this guy never heard of a condom? WTF.
This is the most ghetto- ass thing I’ve ever read.
So sorry this happened to you, but get out now, because they need this but you don’t.Let it flavour your past but not colour your future; and good luck.
Wow…I just got done wasting time on theoatmeal.com, and I swear this letter reminded me of one of his comics. Seriously, check it out. I’m normally all for trying my best to see the point of view of the LW and give helpful, constructive, non-judgemental advice, but…wow.
Wendy, can you add a side bar forum where we can chat in real time? Because I got a problem. It goes like this: today, my boss totally threw me under the boss, like twice. He didn’t so much throw me under the boss as much as he set the bus in motion and then stepped aside and watched it hit me while everyone screamed “Addie Pray got hit by a bus!” If that makes sense. And I’m totally livid. But I know I can’t set the record straight because the people I’d set the record straight to are his clients. Sigh. I guess I’ll take one for the team. But if someone would like to tell me, “Addie Pray, you’re a strong, cool, confidant woman, and fuck the man,” then I will feel a little better. Thans.
* I meant “thanks.” See? I can’t get anything right today. Except the last three glasses of cabernet; they have been very spot on. Soon I’ll pass out, and I can file this day away.
Wine helps with days like that. And tomorrow being Friday should help too. I can’t remember where I heard it but it was a quote something about – when things aren’t going right you need to fake it till you feel it – so wake up tomorrow extra early – get your most confident outfit on – remind yourself that you WILL conquer this, and kick some ass. Tell the day to go fuck itself, and dominate the shit out of it. Then drink wine.
Right on! Tomorrow, I will wear my spanx!
By the way, it’s the next morning… and I look *really* good right now. Today is my day.
hope the cabernet helped! unfortunately this probably won’t be the last time a boss does this. sorry it happened though. i think it’s good to allow yourself tonight to think about what a shithead he is and then tomorrow wear something that makes you feel extra confident and go into work and do a kick ass job. then treat yourself to more wine tomorrow night. hopefully by the time you wake up saturday you’ll feel better. oh and you might want to get dark chocolate for tomorrow night too.
amber, you are my new best friend. come over, and you can have a class of cabernet too. except the bottle is almost done.
there. it’s done now. you’re still my new best friend.
i want a new profile for my Addie Pray id. can you someone remind me how to do that?
haha awesome. too bad i missed the cabernet. i did however have a glass of a very nice merlot. i think tonight i might finish it with dark chocolate. because we finally made it to friday. woohoo!
We love you Addie Pray and you are not only a strong, cool, confident woman, you are an amazing human being who offers words of wisdom in a kind, compassionate manner with insight and accuracy. Thank you. Hope today is better. Hugs!
And your boss should remember that karma is a bitch.
Oy! MOA! And keep your legs crossed for a while, please!
“JERR-Y! JERR-Y! JERR-Y!”
A Moment of Reflection
Is this Baby Daddy having visitation rights to his kids better for the children or worse??
The sad thing is that I know people like this. Except its three children with three different women and at one point bigamy. And it makes zero sense that so many girls are desperate to be with a guy like that. It’s not like the world is running low on men and we need to procreate with every douchebag that crosses our path. Ladies please up your standards. I mean that for both the LW and the “other” woman.
Um…wow. Just wow.
Do they still make the Jerry Springer show?
It’s apparent that this POS screws around the minute he can’t get any at home (7 months pregnant, or 2 week old baby means babymama was temporarily out of commission). For the love of Mike, DON’T GET PREGNANT. Number 1, you’ll be temporarily out of commission. Number 2, you’ll be stuck chasing him for child support. Number 3, he will have moved on to the next bimbo who is dumb enough to get involved with him while HIS WIFE IS PREGNANT. Jeez, what a prize. What on earth are you holding on for?
LW, I’m literally tempted to hit you over the head with the a brick to knock some sense into you.
This is one of those where I just think, does this person even reread the letter before they send it? I would think if they did, then they wouldn’t even need Wendy’s/our advice.
WTF!
WTF??!!??
Oh. My. God. Honey, you should RUN, not walk, away from this horrible man, and quite frankly, your own part in this horrid situation.
Why in the world you ever got involved with a man who had a TWO WEEK OLD CHILD to begin with begs serious inspection into your own psyche, but this situation has “train wreck” written all over it. You have really made a huge error in choosing a partner here.
Sure, divorce sucks… but it sure doesn’t suck half as much as having children with scum bag like your husband and then being cheated on and eventually ditched. This guy sounds utterly despicable, and I can’t imagine what redeeming qualities he must have possessed to talk you into marriage! But that is all behind you now.
You need a good therapist, a good divorce attorney, and a healthy dose of reality. This guy will never be someone worthy of your love, and he probably never was. I know it sounds harsh, but you will look back someday and see how (by leaving him) you have done yourself a huge favor.
I see shit like this all of the time in the course of an internship that I have. Last week, I had a woman trying to get a restraining order against her ex’s new gf, but the dude was apparently making babies with this woman while shacking up with the other one. They both knew about it, and were both mad at each other, but not this dude. Dude was unemployed and had 2 other baby mommas as well. Class act.
GIRL, RUN. He’s trash. You don’t have to be! He’s putting it in this chick on the side while married to you, and that is FUCKED. UP. You knew it when you were with him, but I’m giving you a pass because you can and you will get your shit together in the future. Don’t be trashy. Don’t be someone’s side chick, and don’t tolerate a man who can’t stick to schtupping just one girl.
you have his babies too so then the babies he has with her stop being so special to him and you babies be more important to him. Obvious u not givin it up real regular a mans gotta do wat a mans gotta do so you open that door make it goood for him he come round.
You knew what he was when you started dating him the first time, and you knew what he was when you married him. You might have pretended to yourself otherwise, but YOU KNEW. You have knowingly, freely, and voluntarily chosen to be married to a guy who also has an ongoing relationship with and kids by another woman. The ONLY person you have a right to be “furious” with is yourself, because YOU chose this.
Now, make a conscious, deliberate choice, KNOWING that the choice is yours, and yours alone. Stay with him, knowing you’re going to have to share him with the other woman, or divorce him. One or the other. And whichever you chose, know YOU are responsible for the consequences of the choice.
You actually have a moral duty to divorce him and tell him to get back with the baby momma. He needs to be a father to these children and take responsibility for them without you in the picture. It will be an unselfish act on your part and you will be rewarded in the end.
Get as far away from this man as you possibly can and move on with your life.
Now you know why SAT scores continue to fall and why taxes keep going up.
Move on. Nothing to see here.
That she even has to ask about what she should do, after presenting the history of deceptions, bespeaks fundamental internal problems so profound that, really, her relationship with this fellow is the least of her worries. Further, that she would present all of it in this format indicates a a lack of seriousness that would be required to help herself. I’m going to put it out there that a very unhappy ending awaits her…in the not-too-distant future.
I’m surprised everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room here. She hasn’t given her husband a child. I’m sure from his perspective, it’s been obvious for years that she isn’t emotionally into him or the marriage. Despite that, he stuck with it. If she wants to cut and run, that’s fine, butnif she ever wanted a real relationship with this guy, she should focus on giving him a child rather than complaining about others who do. It’s obvious he loves children.
Every time I put my hand in the candle flame I get burnt, what am I doing wrong?
This man is a bum. Kick his ass to the curb A.S.A.P., then get yourself to counseling. What the hell were you thinking, marrying this whore-dog in the first place?
Oy vey! This story sounds like something from the opening parts of Mike Judge’s movie Idiocracy…
I bet this guy has other women as well. This sexual freedom thing amounts to a few guys getting most of the women.
You don’t care about the guy, you seem angry at at least one of the kids, but here’s something to think about:
If you stay with him, you are essentially married to HER. He has 3 young children with her and will stay in frequent contact with her for at least the next 18 years. Every time he goes to get his kids, you will wonder if he is working on #4. If you go with him to pick them up or drop them off, you will have to see her.
I can understand not wanting to get a divorce, like not wanting to have surgery. But why not divorce him?
Religion? You have more than enough justification for any religion I have ever heard of. This is not withstanding the fact that his ex became pregnant before you said “I do”. It is a clear expectation in our culture, even today, that an engagement means you aren’t have sex with anyone else. If you are Christian, I could point you to the fact that Joseph had to be told by God not to divorce Mary; she got pregnant before they were married (the engagement/marriage thing worked a little differently then, breaking an engagement required a divorce).
Perhpas you don’t want the other woman to “win”. If she gets him, she won’t win. He won’t be satisfied with just one Baby Momma. You have already seen that.
Is he wealthy, famous, powerful, attractive? Well, maybe that is enough for you, but don’t kid yourself that he will ever change or love you (for real) and don’t pretend that he won’t divorce you when he feels like it.
Perhaps if you divorce he will get half of your stuff. Don’t be miserable for money.
Is there a Sexual Darwin Award for self-inflicted relationship disasters?
I mean honestly, “He was with the babymomma at the time…”.
Hello?
“The baby was 2 weeks old…”
And knowing that, you entered a ‘relationship’ with the father?
“…and said this time he would be faithful…”
Wow, sounds like a keeper!
This story has to be a gag. If not, well, just…just quit it!
Marrying a man who abandons his children is a sure-fire recipe for marital success.
Carry on, sister!
I think most of you are missing the fact that the writer started out as the “other woman” in this story. This man was already with another woman (and baby) when this story started. When you marry a cheater you get a cheater. Duh!
He doesn’t care for you. He never cared for you and you have to write to some website looking for advice to figure out the obvious?
I am sending this story to my teenage daughters so they know not to take another woman’s man in the first place. That is where your pain chain began.
You saw this coming. He broke his promise, yes, but you also knew how much his promise was worth before you got married.
I know a woman who stole a man away from his wife. Actually, the man courted her while he was still married, and both of them knew it. He got a divorce, then married her. A few days after the wedding, he took up with a new mistress. His second wife stayed with him, though. She sent a sincere letter of apology to his first wife, but stayed married. They’re still married today.
Seriously, you want to keep this pathetic excuse for a man and a husband? He was willing to pursue you when his first child was two weeks old, and you don’t think he would do the same to you? And please put yourself in the baby mama’s shoes for just a moment: How would you feel if you had a brand new baby, you were tired, your body was sore, your breasts were leaking, your postpartum hormones were out of whack, and your baby’s father moved in with another woman? He goes back to you, you have a baby on the way, and he walks out on you while you are seven months pregnant and have a one-year-old in diapers? He keeps coming back to you and giving you hope that you two can be a family, then he breaks your heart by marrying the other woman. By what standard do you not call that cruel? Concerning the MB’s resentment toward you, I reasonably believe any woman would be angry about being abandoned to raise her children alone! Why, oh why, did you marry him knowing he was sharing a bed with her whilst living with you? He is not going to change. As for you, it is wrong to take your issues with him out on an innocent baby because his daddy is a cheater. You need to find a space of your own, get a separate bank account, get into therapy, and hire a lawyer. Whatever you do, keep your clothes on and DO NOT sleep with him. Let him go back to the baby mama and raise his kids.
@ Roger: It would be the height of insanity for LW to have a baby with her husband.
@ Delroy: That is the most ludicrous advice I have ever heard. Having a baby with a man for the sole purpose of taking attention away from children he is already obligated to is downright selfish and unfair to ALL the children. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, you say? You are absolving him of his two-timing, and your sympathizing with him leads me to conclude that you would easily cheat on your woman, too if she wasn’t “meeting your needs.” He willingly cheated on the MB when she was unable to have sex for legitimate medical reasons. What you call a man, I call a heartless, selfish scumbag with no morals or self-restraint!!
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