Your Turn: “Open Couple Seeking Eager Third Party”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I do not want a repeat of that last experience we had; the sex was fun, but the aftermath was not. On the other hand, I am more than a little nervous about bringing strangers I’ve just met to bed, mostly because I am afraid that we’ll accidentally bring home someone who is completely bonkers (which, I recognize, might be a pretty irrational fear). I am also a little worried about STDs, even with protection. Do you have any advice on how I might reconcile some of these worries with my strong desire to have some fun with a few more people? Or do any DW readers have some insight into how best to go about this sort of thing? — Waiting for Superwoman
I think your fears about bringing home someone crazy and/or someone with an STD is completely rational. In fact, this thought should go through everyone’s mind when they bring home a stranger. Luckily, you would at least have your boyfriend around to kick them out if necessary. I don’t have any suggestions but I’m sure there are some websites to arrange for threesomes. You would be bringing home a stranger, but maybe you could at least email with them beforehand to figure out how crazy (or not crazy) they are.
I have no idea about this kind of thing but on the websites is everyone looking to hook up right away? Can’t you take a moment to try and get to know someone so that they aren’t complete strangers – kind of like online dating? And I thought there was a whole polyamorous community out there – if that is not exactly what you are looking for then maybe that community can be a jump off point and someone can direct you on how best to achieve what you are looking for?
There are sites like AdultFriendFinder where I think it is mostly “hookup-oriented,” but on other dating sites I think you can specify what you’re looking for. I’m only personally acquainted with OKCupid, but you can say you’re in a relationship and looking for casual sex, and then in your profile say exactly what you want. There are probably a lot of creepsters, but I feel like it would be less sketchy than Craigslist.
You could exchange a few emails and meet in person (in public) a few times to make sure it’s a good match. And DO worry about STDs, even if you’re using protection. A condom can’t protect against everything. Make sure you use condoms/protection for oral as well. I’m not trying to get preachy, but I work in the STD field and I see a LOT. Y’all heard about the SUPER GONORRHEA, right?!
I’ve used OKCupid (where I met my husband!) but found that it’s not generally very good for threesomes (at least in my experience), especially if they’re looking for a woman. If you post that you’re interested in casual sex, you just end up with tons of messages from creepy guys propositioning you in the first message even if you say you want to get to know someone first, and women rarely answer.
That’s what I feared.
I’d start with giving more thought to why your first friend whom you chose for your three-some freaked out afterwards. Was it related to how you and your bf acted in bed or afterward towards her? Were there signs at the time that she agreed that she felt uncertain or pressured by you or bf into participating? Did you regard her as a level-headed, sane, but adventurous person at the time you chose her?
Also, with regard to your own fears. You seem to have a lot of concerns about this: messing up the third party, getting an STD, inviting a dangerous person to your place. Are you sure that you are as interested in three-somes as your bf is? That’s a lot of doubts to have.
In regards to your second paragraph- I don’t think any of those fears the LW has are irrational or showing she is lacking interest. To me they are mature concerns- caring about another persons mental well being, caring about your own mental well being, caring about your health/safety. I don’t think it means she isn’t as interested as the bf just that she wants to make a careful decision about who to bring into her bedroom. I’ve flirted with the idea of bringing another into our bedroom and those are the exact same concerns I’ve had- and I’m more interested than my partner.
You should never has threesomes with people you know. (BTW, why don’t you write to Dan Savage? this type of question is his specialty).
Totally his specialty. He talks a lot about how people want someone hot and awesome and magical to appear, play with them, and then disappear out of their lives. (Maybe coming back for more sexytimes, but only if the couple wants them.)
Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way and you aren’t going to find the magic unicorn. You have to have a lot of open communication and really take care of the person you’re bringing in. I think acquaintances, but not BFFs, are best, just because then there’s some level of honesty and trust.
Also, LW, if you’re going to play outside a monogamous relationship, STDs are a reality and risk is the price of admission. How badly do you want this? Is the risk worth the sexy reward? Only you and your bf can answer that.
Dan Savage has already replied to this question before. Go and search old articles of his, you’ll find some good tips.
It’s obvious Wendy just wanted us all to talk about sex today. Don’t argue. Just do it!
Haha
I have no clue – I have enough trouble finding myself a twosome! I agree with TheOtherMe – Dan Savage would probably have great advice for you. Btw – is that THE TheOtherMe?! Welcome back!
bazinga!
No I think I am a different TheOtherMe – didn’t realize the name was already claimed. I’ll have to change it to TheOtherOtherMe I suppose.
There was another TheOtherMe but I haven’t seen her in awhile. I have a theory that she and Spaceboy ran off together.
I like that theory.
I would like to state, for the record, that I would like RR and LBH to come back. WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?
Probably off living life to the fullest, having relations, making memories, and planning for the future… Those fuckers.
Yeah. They should knock it off already.
Hey, and this is unrelated, as are a lot of my comments, *but* I just came up with a new word — fucksters. It means “fucking hipsters.” Let’s start referring to fucking hipsters as fucksters. I’m going to try to make fucksters happen.
Like, here we go, oh hey, CatsMeow, I see you weaving in and out of traffic on your commuter bike with your messenger bag and larger than life headphones on — wtf, you’re in traffic, pay attention, you fuckster!
What do you think?
Love it! Perfect.
It totally works! I think it’s going to catch on.
The beauty of having a bad name for hipsters is that no one — and especially fucksters themselves — identifies themselves as a hipster. Which means you can say all you want about fucksters and everyone agrees, including hipsters, and no one feels slighted, because no one thinks you’re talking about them. Brilliant. I have spent so much time this morning thinking about hipsters and fucksters. Which are really the same thing b/c I know no non-fucking hipsters.
I have such a potty mouth these days.
that is perfect. I’m going to start using it immediately.
Okay, I have a few threesomes (& more-somes…) under my belt– some involving me & my long-term FWB at the time, others where I was the “guest” (so to speak), & a few with my experimentative group of mixed-gender & sexual oriented friends– sooo I’ll try to tackle this question.
I understand the urge to find a complete stranger for fun times (especially in your situation, what seems to be a serious, long-term relationship). But the perfect, sexy, open-minded stranger is very hard to find– as you know– so it’s often better to just do acquaintances/friends. You might think it’ll be awkward (& you had a bad experience, so obviously you’re more wary now) but it’s SO much more awkward with an essential stranger.
If you have an attractive friend who you both know to be experimental, just go for it. You might think it’ll change the friendship, but as long as everybody is comfortable & open, the boundries that were already in place will naturally remain (hope that makes sense?) If you like going out, I’d arrange to have you, your boyfriend, the friend (or 2 friends) go for some drinks & then have everybody back at your place afterwards.
My other tip is…don’t talk about it too much? I know that seems counter-intuitive to the whole “communication! always!” rhetoric that’s repeated for these kind of situations, but detailing everything in advance is just sort of a turn-off, plus it might make the extra person more nervous than he/she needs to be. Obviously, don’t SURPRISE your “guest/s”– depending on their personality, a simple heads-up could be enough.
If all of this sounds totally out-there, then you probably DON’T have any close-at-hand friends who’d be down for this? Like, if you just read all that, & are thinking “Omg nooo, this would never work!” then you’ll need to try a different approach. Invite any of your attractive acquaintances/friends out (I’m telling you, do not go the stranger route! Start with friends, even if you don’t think they’ll agree. They might!). Steer the conversation towards sex to see if it’s even worth propositioning them. Obviously, if it turns out they’re comfortable fooling around with you guys, make sure they are ACTUALLY comfortable, not too intoxicated, & don’t have any issues.
If the going-out/lubing the conversation/hope everything works out route doesn’t appeal, you could always cold-call (or email, text, FB message…) people. I’ve never done this, but people have done this to me. It is not an approach that works with me, but it could work with some! The bottom line is that there’s no simple way to do this unless you’re already surrounded by a bunch of sexy sex fiends without any hangups. It doesn’t sounds like you are, so you’ll have to get creative & be prepared for disappointment. Sorry how extremely long my response was, but I hope something in here helps!
I don’t know about this line:
“Start with friends, even if you don’t think they’ll agree.”
Sure they might agree – but then again – they might not… and there is a risk to the friendship if they don’t. I’d say it’s okay to approach friends that you know are open to this type of thing but I know if I had a friend of mine proposition me for a threesome with her partner it would definitely change our friendship.
I guess I’m sort of working on the assumption that her friends would be open enough to the idea, even if they personally didn’t want to partake? This is a possibility, though.
I don’t agree with the non communication aspect, and I am speaking from experience on this one; nor the friends thing. It’s a recipe for disaster! It’s different if you aren’t in a steady relationship, perhaps, but really you gotta keep it out of your circle of friends… or you might find yourself with a complicated dinner party on your hands.
As for communication, it’s key to any relationship. I would worry if someone didn’t want to talk about it…
Well, for the communication part, I’m not referring to the couple themselves– each person in the relationship DEFINITELY needs to speak thoroughly about the subject. But if they’re introducing the idea to somebody else (the 3rd person)? I think detailing things out gets a little tedious.
That’s just me — I had a couple who wanted to include me in their bedroom activies & I was so up for it, until the male half of the couple started texting me about every little thing the week leading up to our planned hotel stay. A level of spontaneity helps the actual experience– “Let’s all have fun together tonight, if anyone gets uncomfortable, all you have to do is raise your hand” tends to suffice. Sometimes thoughtfully outlining everything to ensure everyone’s comfort backfires & has the opposite effect. (Again, this is for the “guest” & I do realize this approach wouldn’t work with certain personalities. Just something for the LW to keep in mind though!)
And as for the awkward dinner party thing– I mean, I guess? But like I said, friendship boundries remain in place better than you’d assume. At least in my experience! Obviously, we’ve all had different experiences & I realize my circle of friends is not typical.
In my opinion, the best option is an acquaintance — someone you both know but that neither of you are particularly close to (where an important friendship could be damaged, like last time). It takes a very confident person to be the third when the other two are an established couple. So you need to vet that person, either through knowing them or by chatting online in the case of a stranger.
Also, re: your concerns about STDs and safety, remember that “experimenting” with others doesn’t have to mean “everybody has sex”. Of course there’s a risk with everything, but with some activities it is significantly reduced. Considering that you still have lingering doubts and concerns from the last encounter, my best advice is to be really picky and go slowly if you decide to try again so it’s a more positive experience, and recognize this is something you work up to, not just jump in and expect everything to go swimmingly immediately.
I guess I’m just old-fashioned, or just plain old, but I can’t even wrap my head around having a third person in bed with me and I’m by no means a prude. I think what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom is between them, but when you add a third person in the mix it’s just asking for all kinds of trouble. Maybe I’m also just too jealous of a person to see my BF with another woman and have absolutely no desire to be with one myself.
Haha, I have no opinion on it either way, but I will say… I’ve read more questions on Dear Wendy regarding threesomes than I have ever heard in my life. So I’ve learned a lot, which is cool. I personally think I’d be too jealous for one too. I like exciting sex, but just with one man 😉
Haha yep, although my first thought whenever these types of questions are posted is “if you are spending so much time and energy trying to get a third party into bed with you and your BF, how great could your relationship really be?”
I guess I just don’t get it…but to each their own!
The good news is that there is an STD database you can access to help you with your decision. Go to Craigslist, click on your city, then click on Casual Encounters. Don’t have sex with anyone on that list.
hahahahahahha
It seems to me like a stranger is the best way to go. You just have to take it slow. Don’t invite someone over to sleep with them at first. Meet them in a public place so you can vet them and get a sense for their personality. I would imagine meeting someone in more of a low key setting could help put your mind at ease.
I’ve got experience with this, so I’ll throw in my two cents.
My husband and I are in a non-monogamous relationship and enjoy things like what you are looking for and generally look for women for this type of situation. I’m not sure exactly what you’re looking for, but the most likely scenario is a woman that is willling to go to bed with both of you together and likely sexually interested in both of you but not an emotional relationship. The fetish community (of which we are fringe members) calls this kind of person a “unicorn” because they are so hard to find.
Some pop psychology: I don’t recommend finding these partners among your friends and acquaintances for the reason you presented: they can easily get attached especially because you are already friends with them and they have an emotional connection to your or your partner. Plus, I’m sure there are plenty of people in your life you don’t want to know about what goes on in your bedroom and if you happen to talk to the wrong acquaintance about this, you may end up with far more gossip to your friends and family (or even coworkers!) than you want.
You can use craigslist, but that has always been creepy to me. My best advice to you is to get involved in the fetish community to find people like this. It can be intimidating, especially if you’re like me and not into the ropes-and-chains-and-whipping thing, but depending on your location, there are tons of different groups interested in different levels of activities and everyone I’ve ever met in this community is WAY into respect and consent above all. They have families and feelings, too. My husband and I joined fetlife.com (it’s free), which has a ton of members of all different proclivities. We regularly see people posting ads for the kind of thing you are looking for that include all sorts of requirements the third person must meet. I don’t know how successful they are, but I will say that you’ll have more luck if you’re both under 40 and attractive. That’s just the way it goes.
Feel free to ask me more questions, if you have them. I hope I’ve given you some info that is helpful to your situation. Just remember, what you’re looking for can be hard to find and you may turn down a lot of people before you find someone you both like and feel comfortable with, so be patient.
Sidenote about safety:
It’s cliche, but always smart to meet new people in a public place, no matter how confident your partner is that they can “protect you.” And for STIs, start practicing the “when were you last tested and may I see the results” talk in the mirror. It can be really awkward or not depending on your level of confidence, but feeling awkward is never a good reason not to have this talk with potential partners.
I just wanna say, I love your username >_<
LW – if you live in a larger city there are probably some dating websites for this type of thing, there might even be some social clubs which share you interest. Maybe searching through that first would help you find a nice stable partner that knows what they are in for. I imagine if you go through the dating site you can request that all parties involved take an STI test before the sexy-fun times begin. If these options are not available, you can look within your friend circle, but I would try to find someone that has experience. After all, you and your BF are still new to the whole process so having another novice join in might end in bad feelings like your previous encounter.
My recommendation would be to start hitting up swingers clubs. Everyone is pretty much open to the same sorts of things, you can be very picky about who you pick up (you can just pick up the female half of a couple, I think) and you have the opportunity to get to know people before you take them home.
You guys need to try going somewhere specifically for swinger, like yourselves. Hedonism resorts is one such place. And yes, you need to steer clear of bringing in people you know for your third party; that is just waaaay too complicated.
Another technique people use when picking up a third party is this: say you are out somewhere and you spot someone who you are both interested in. Strike up a conversation and then after you have established a bit of relationship with them, ask them if they would like to accompany you and your boyfriend to a strip club. If they bite, take em to the strip club. After the strip club, you ask them if they want to come home with you. It’s a good way to feel the out the relationship over a few hours and then decide if you want to bring ’em home.
Just a word of caution: these things can get complicated fast. So I hope you and your boyfriend have pre-established rule for what is acceptable and what is not. For instance, will you sleep with one person more than once? What number of times is acceptable to take a person into your bed before you start developing feelings (either on your part or your boyfriends?) What happens if one of you finds someone on your own and brings them in… how does that work?
And please, always use protection. I would also suggest that both yourself and your boyfriend have STD tests and share that with your partners you are bringing in so that they are also confident of your bill of health.
Sex is fun, and can be enjoyed all different ways–but remember to have open communication because before you know it, you can be in deep water without a life preserver!
Stop focusing on it! Just go about your lives and be open to it and opportunities will present themselves. If you try for one really really hard then it is just going to be disappointing if it doesn’t work out. Go to parties, out to the bar- to have fun, not necessarily to hook up and if you are confident and easy-going then some girl will start flirting with you, or the two of you. Threesomes are way better when they come naturally instead of a forced arrangement. It’s like the difference between a blind date and meeting someone at a party.
I’ve participated in a few threesomes (and I’m polyamorous), and I’d like to echo some of the advice already given:
– If your friends are ultra-conservative, do NOT approach them. I think that Fabelle is assuming that you’re involved with a community of people who are into the same things. If your friends are NOT into the same things, don’t try to convert them.
– Create an online profile- as a couple- and state exactly what you’re looking for. Could this be an ongoing thing? Would you be open to dating a third person?
– Keep your expectations in check. If you’re looking for the single bisexual female that is totally into both of you- but has no emotional feelings for either of you….you probably won’t be having many threesomes. If you’re cool with hooking up with another COUPLE, your options will be greater. The men don’t need to interact with each other sexually, but could watch as the women do (or whatever your cup of tea is).
– This touches on the first point– get involved in a community that IS interested in the same things you are. Swinging, perhaps? The labels can be terrifying, but if you’re really just looking for sex, with no emotional commitment, that community would be a good “fit” for you.
– Safer sex. Always. Be patient and get to know people before you jump in bed with them. STD’s are serious. So is jumping into bed with someone mentally unstable. Take your time.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck! Threesomes or moresomes are awesome (for the right people!).
1. Savage this question
2. Once you do, you’ll need to think about why and how your past threesome guest didn’t feel comfortable enough to stop the whole shebang in the middle (perhaps she wasn’t comfortable in reflection but who know) and try to create a supportive environment. As the hosting couple it is your responsibility.
I’m really out of my depth here, but who says if you want to have a threesome with somebody you don’t know then you have to jump into bed the instant you meet them?
If you use an online site, why don’t you and your boyfriend meet this third in a neutral, public place to get a feel for them.
Then, maybe have a conversation about expectations, safety, ect. Then maybe another hangout or two.
After that, then get into bed. That might work, right?
Okay, I’m back just to elaborate a little on using friends/acquaintances– I’ve been saying “friendship boundries often will remain in place” so here’s a few tips on how to make sure they do (if you happen to wind up with a friend):
– After the sex, stay up– hanging out afterwards smooths any uncomfortable feelings that might crop up. If you meet up in the middle of a day, this works better.
– As someone who was invited into a couple, it helps to hear from them the next day. No matter how fun the sex was & how chill everyone acted afterwards, I always get a little tense wondering “if everything okay? did I cause a fight with them? was I not good enough? are things weird?” A neutral call or text helps ease these feelings & reset the friendship back into platonic territory.
Like everybody else, I’m wondering what happened with the girl you mentioned. Maybe her reaction was all to do with her own issues, but examine whether or not you or your boyfriend could’ve helped her process everything.
True, about the hearing from them the next day. The once that I was the guest in someone else’s relationship, we were all pretty drunk (not something I suggest, it just sorta happened, since we were all sleeping in the same bed), and we were all hanging out, and no one was saying anything about it, and I started getting worried that no one else remembered, or that I had just dreamt it. Finally, I just said “Okay, so everyone remembers, and is cool with what happened last night, right?” We had a big chuckle about it.
I always try to keep in touch for the day or so afterwards, just so I know everything’s cool.
Good point was made above about asking acquaintances and word getting around. My husband and I have fooled around with acquaintances and friends in the past; we are both bisexual so threesomes are one way that we can satisfy the parts of our sexuality outside of our hetero sex life.
Around the same time we were doing this, he was also getting into photography as a hobby, so we were soliciting friends and acquaintances (and random people on my college campus) to model for him. Well, word got around about our bedroom habits, and eventually some of the friends we asked to model for him got the idea that we were really propositioning them, or worse, were going to trick them by turning a photo shoot into sexytimes. I was shocked when this got back to me – we had never gotten physically involved with any of our models, but people made the connection anyway, and before I knew it we were Creepers.
It’s a tough spot. Even now Hubby and I are both open to it should the opportunity arise, and we do have some desirable candidates among our circles of friends and acquaintances (including one couple who, oh my god, would make for the most excellent foursome ever), but we really don’t push the issue or try to make it happen. Partially out of respect for our friends, partially out of fear of the consequences to the relationships. Sex with others is fun but not worth sabotaging a friendship over.
We’ve also talked about going out to a club and seeing if we can bring someone home, but I’m skeptical about the odds of that happening. I mean, how many single people are out at clubs and open to being brought home by a married couple? I can totally see how we’d come off as creepy skeezballs if we tried (unless it was a swingers’ club, which we haven’t looked into.)
Sorry if this wasn’t helpful, LW, but I sympathize with your concerns. In a society where hetero monogamy is the norm, straying outside of that model is tricky! I think Fabelle and Zombeyonce above gave some great tips that are a bit more concrete than mine. Best of luck!
Okay, your friend said she was up for what was coming, and then had a hard time with it. Probably she wanted to be as adventurous and sexually outgoing as you two are, but in the end… she just couldn’t hack it.
Unless a friend has done that sort of thing before, don’t ask them. Period. You don’t want to be the training wheels for a threesome (or more).
It is very hard to find that magical person who will fullfill your sexual fantasy on a “no strings attached” basis. Trust me, I can’t find anyone, but everyone finds me.
Expand your search radius. Look into swinger’s clubs. Be prepared to interview. Seriously. Everyone needs STD checks prior to the actual event, and protection must be used. That does include changing out condoms each time you change females/orofices to ensure no cross-contamination (even if nobody has an STD on their report, one could be lurking after the fact).
My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship, where we enjoy sex with others either together or alone.
I can understand that it’s hard to find someone you are comfortable letting into your bedroom, especially after a situation like what you had before. I’ve had my fair share of bad group sex experiences. Luckily, most of my close friends are people open to that sort of thing. I think it’s because I’m from a younger generation.
Either way, there are precautions you can take when meeting strangers. My boyfriend and I actually just set up a couple dates off craigslist last night (don’t knock it). When making an ad, don’t include face pictures, just explain what your looking for, and weed out spam by asking them to put their favorite color or something in the subject line. You should ask to meet them in a public place, first, even a few times, to see if you guys click. It’s not bad manners to ask for proof that they are disease free, and still use protection.
Another option, which you might like better, is fetlife.com. It’s a community of kinksters, like a facebook for people who enjoy all sorts of sex. You can make your pictures private, so that only your ‘friends’ can see, if you’re afraid of being outted, and most of the people seem pretty nice. You can search people in your area, and most people have their interests listed on their pages. You could even make a joint profile. It’s helpful to join a group, go to a munch, meet some people, and then find someone you want to take home.
As far as propositioning people offline, it gets tricky. Again, I’m lucky to have friends who express their affections for each other physically (I think my boyfriends kisses his best friend as much as he does me, haha!), so I’m really not sure what to tell you there.
Sorry you had a bad experience, and good luck for the future. Be safe!
I’m going to pipe up as someone with experience. What has worked for me is to use a swingers/hookup website or go to a club which caters to swingers (fetish clubs can be a good bet as well). Find someone you two both like, strike up a conversation. It’s best to go out for drinks/coffee/whatever first, so you can get to know them (and check for potential weirdness!), and have the Boundaries talk before you get to the bedroom.
How quickly did you, your BF and your friend escalate into your threesome? Maybe the problem wasn’t so much that you had this experience with a friend but instead it was because you shifted far too quickly into penetrative sex? Instead of trying for The Threesome Experience, agree to slower increments over several hookups. Less chance of too much, too soon. Friends have much better references than randoms so don’t rule out all friends just because of one experience.
have you considered an escort? this is how my bf have our threesomes without strings attached
Never knew there were so many people having 3 someone out there. I don’t personally know anyone doing this sort of thing.