Your Turn: “Should I Be Jealous of His Facebook Friend?”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
My boyfriend has a female Facebook friend (they do hang out in groups where he lives; she is a friend of his friend) who also posts videos, replies to statuses, puts a “like” to many of his comments. In turn, he “likes” her comments back. My boyfriend says he holds no attraction to her and reiterates that he will be moving in with me soon so there is no need to worry. Although I feel trivial voicing my opinion, I have told him numerous times how annoyed I am by her posts and likes, and he replies with: “We’re not really friends anyway.” And yet, most of the clips or comments seem to be some sort of inside joke or conversation. Am I reading too much into this? Or should I be suspicious? None of his other friends post as much as this woman does other than me. — Facebook Addict
I wish you would have given some examples of the actual posts and more details regarding the frequency. Also, does this woman post on other friends’ walls as much as she does on your guy’s? It’s possible that she’s just a fb fanatic, and her ample postings, videos, and likings aren’t unique to your bf.
I would agree with the context of the posts. If she’s just talking and to him about random stuff and liking his posts, I don’t think it’s a big deal and she’s being insecure.
But I have been in the place of the other girl… I went through a phase where I was calling everyone sweetheart so I was writing on a guy friend’s wall, stuff like “Hey Sweetheart, what’s up? I miss you! Call me soon!” He was 100% a platonic friend but his gf didn’t know me and had a huge issue with the stuff I was writing on his wall. So he told me, “Could you not do that? I know you don’t mean anything by it but it’s upsetting my girlfriend.” And of course I respectfully stopped writing anything that could be taken the wrong way.
So I respect him for taking action to reassure his girlfriend and if the chick in this situation is truly just his platonic friend, he should do what he needs to do to make his LD girlfriend feel secure.
“It’s possible that she’s just a fb fanatic, and her ample postings, videos, and likings aren’t unique to your bf.”
That’s the first thing I thought too. Some people just cannot get off facebook if their lifes depended on it. And its pretty easy to check and see if she’s one of those too. Besides, I kind of feel that if all the posting is happening out in public where you and the entire world can see it, everythings probably fine. If there was something fishy going on, I would think there would be some effort to keep it a little quieter, sending PM and the like.
So, unless the content is inapproporiate, or she is targeting just your boyfriend, I wouldn’t sweat it.
Some people are just VERY active facebookers. If someone tried to determine the closeness of my actual friendships based solely on facebook activity, they would be WAYYY off. Some of my best friends never post anything, while others are all up on my statuses EVERY time.
So true, most of my work colleagues are all up in my Facebook statuses ALL THE TIME. It drives me nuts, so I created a list without them. There’s this one older guy who always always always comments on everything that’s completely public, which would be my version of a ‘Facebook affair’ if the LW were my husband.
The internet is not srs bizns.
That is sooo true. My 2 best girlfriends haven’t posted on my FB wall in probably a year. However there’s a guy that I haven’t seen since we graduated High School (in 2002!!) who always Likes my statuses.
Oh. My. God. Get over it. It’s Facebook, who cares?!?
This is not really fair taking into account that they are in a long distance relationship and facebook is one of the main ways they communicate. While the women in question might just be an active FB-er her boyfriend has at least not done a good job of tending to the LW’s worry, which is important in a LDR, where you don’t really know the situation on the ground on the other side. Now she should innately trust him and he should take her concerns a little more seriously- which he could have addressed once instead of being ineffective numerous times by saying ‘we’re not really friends’ which has resulted in her now still thinking enough about this to write in to Wendy. LDR are tough and its a lot of self convincing things are ok, but they work the best when both sides understand the stressors and don’t disregard the feelings or concerns of their SO, however trivial it might seem.
A lot of shady things have been known to happen over facebook… so I don’t think she is totally nuts. While I don’t see any SPECIFICS in her letter to Wendy that she should be concerned, I don’t think a simple “get over it” works here.
You should not be moving in with him if you are so immature and untrusting to be worried about one of those people who is all over facebook, likely posting on all of her friends’ walls.
What solution do you think is feasible for this situation? Do you want your boyfriend to unfriend her and block her on facebook? Stop seeing her in group settings? Have him delete something every time she posts it? Have him tell her to stop posting? I am just asking what you see as the ultimate solution to this issue. Because your boyfriend sees her in group settings, I think it would be awkward for him to unfriend her, avoid all group outings, or tell her to stop posting. If you trust your boyfriend, which you should since you are long-distance, then there isn’t anything to worry about. Her posting a lot is out of his (and your) control, so I would just try not to focus on it.
I would say you had something to worry about if you said this girl called/texted all the time, they hung out alone, and he was unreachable when they were hanging out. But that’s not what happening, is it? So yes, I would say you are reading too much into the facebook posts. Unless you have a gut feeling, and I mean a really strong feeling, that your boyfriend is doing something shady just don’t pursue this matter anymore. You don’t own your boyfriend’s facebook wall so as long as he is friends with someone they can post on it. Try to stay busy and not let your jealousy get the best of you, which I know is hard to do. The good thing is that in a couple months when your boyfriend moves he will fall out of touch with casual acquintances, like this girl, and you probably won’t have to deal with the FB posting anymore.
If you’ve said it’s important to you, and that doesn’t make it important to him, there is a conclusion to be drawn here. You could be overreacting, but what you feel is what you feel. Talk it out, or walk out.
I have had my own FB worries about girls who are clearly up in my SO’s business. These are women who have either been good friends with or interested in the boy in question. But the real question is, does your bf return their interest? It doesn’t sound like that’s the case at all. You can’t control their posting, and you can’t control your bf’s responses.
Make a conscience choice to trust your boyfriend. This could make you crazy if you let it. Your insecurity will destroy your relationship if you don’t keep it under control.
No, you should trust your boyfriend. Just because another girl likes him doesn’t mean he’ll act on it. If he acts funny after you move in with each other, then maybe you should take a second look at it, but right now, its just a facebook conversation he’s having when he’s bored.
Yes, you are reading too much into it. Distance can make people insecure. Your boyfriend seems to be letting you know this girl is not important to him. Trust him until he gives you a legitimate reason not to.
I agree that some people are just like that on Facebook–constantly commenting and “liking” things, even if they have no real relationship with the poster outside of FB. If she’s only doing it to his stuff, she might have a crush on him, or just like him a lot in a platonic way. Either way, a girl liking your boyfriend shouldn’t necessarily make you “suspicious”. If you sense something fishy on his end, that’s an issue. But if you trust him, a random girl having a bit of a crush shouldn’t be that threatening.
While it’s really easy to respond with “its facebook — if you have issues with anything about it, then obviously you’re a tweenager or acting like it so get over it and yourself” — that is not necessarily a fair reaction. Yes, facebook issues sound like they are inconsequential, but they aren’t always. There is some statistic that in the last couple of years 10% (or something like that, though I think it is actually much higher) divorce proceedings involve references to facebook. It is now an active part of some people’s lives, and some of the issues are real.
If this girl would come up to her boyfriend at parties and sit on his lap, make inside jokes with him where only they laughed, take him aside all the time to have personal chats etc., , we wouldn’t think that she was overreacting or being immature by being uncomfortable with it. We would counsel her that her unease may be unfounded (maybe that girl is really friendly!), but we wouldn’t dismiss them out of hand. I think she deserves the same consideration here.
Plus, while I know I am way less facebook active than a lot of people, it has always been a part of my adult life (it came out when I was a sophomore in college and I was at one of the original schools) so facebook concerns have been a part of every relationship. It might sound immature to worry about things like facebook relationship status’ but it hurt like hell the day after my first love and I broke up, his was immediately changed to “single.” It is because facebook gives us access to information we shouldn’t have and the oppurtunity to communicate in ways we probably shouldn’t sometimes because they really are innappropriate.
Most girls would not actively fawn over a guy(friend or “friend”) in front of his GF because it’s disrespectful and incredibly awkward for everyone present. Even if she might sit with his arm around her to catch up if they haven’t seen each other in a while when they are just around mutual friends but no GF, with not a hint of sexual or romantic interest(I know I do that). But facebook allows people to feel like they are alone or only among certain friends, when in reality, everyone can see. And judge. And be affected by it.
So, in some ways, it is like getting to see how people act with your boyfriend when you are not around, which really, no one wants to see. If you have real, deserved trust between you and he, then it doesn’t matter if he very physical with his friends or has inside jokes you don’t know, etc. But literally seeing that can be uncomfortable and even painful and jealousy inducing, which is exactly why people act differently when you are around, even when there is no malintent.
So, I think the LW’s concerns are valid and I think it matters very much whether this is just how this girl “does facebook” or if it is specific to LW’s boyfriend. If it is everyone, then there isn’t much you can or should do other than ignore it. But if it specific to LW’s boyfriend, then there is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about seeing into this window of their relationship that you shouldn’t get to see. Because it could be nothing and she is oblivious to the fact that you are “in the room” and she should really be modifying her behavior accordingly. Or it could be something and she could either be interested in him, or actively trying to prove to someone(maybe you or maybe herself or maybe the world) that how close they are. Which is weird and innappropriate.
Find out which it is and if it’s the latter, talk to your boyfriend again. Explain that she doesn’t do this with everyone and while you trust him, it is embarrassing for you to have the world thinking that something is going on and it makes you uncomfortable. He can’t really ask her to stop but he can stop encouraging her by actively engaging in the public displays. I would make it about the public aspect, and encourage him to engage privately with her (messages, etc) rather than out in the open. If she’s has no malintent, she’ll probably keep it the same as it was when it was public. If she doesn’t, she’ll interpret that as a sign and become innappropriate, which your BF will see and realize you were right. Either way, you win.
But she isn’t sitting on his lap! I totally disagree that its like getting to see how they would act when “you” aren’t around. I don’t think its anything like that at all. You are talking about being physical and flirting in person which is impossible to compare to facebook chitchat.
I think it really depends on what’s going on. If he posts a video of something on failblog, and she write “awesome! it’s like that time we all went biking in costa rica!” and he writes back “I know! That’s what I was thinking too!!” – then I think you are right.
But if she posts things like, after the group goes bowling, for example: “OMG! Didn’t we have an amazing time last night! It was like that time where that guy did that thing and we practically died laughing, only better (you know why 😉 ). We’re still on for thursday like always, right? Pencils and jackhammers for life, baby (LOL)!”
all the time and basically only to him, then I really do think its a little off and that it is that type of glimpse, because clearly the girl isn’t modifying her behavior for public consumption. or she is and that’s weirder.
Your second example, imo, would be disrespectful behavior toward the girlfriend, therefore, the guy should be dealing with it appropriately. In any event, I am 100% sure if thats what happened, the LW wouldve said that.
But don’t you think it is wierd that he is being singled out? If she posted a video and tagged a whole group in there, it would be different. But she is posting just to him. It might not be an evil plan but it is wierd.
Where does is say he is the only person she contacts on facebook?
no, I did not clarify correctly. There is a difference in tagging a large bunch of people in one post and posting something on a individual page. yes, I think it is odd.
I can’t agree with this. Listen to what you are saying-it is weird to post on one person’s facebook page.
Is that not the whole point of facebook? Or at least the reason every person on there has their own page (as opposed to a group page)?
I think it is wierd to post on a guy in a relationship’s wall who i don’t really know. yes that is weird. It isn’t someone they are close to, it is some random person that sometimes tags along to the group.
I think its odd that we should have to include a bunch of people on a post about something they’re not interested in, or stop posting at all, in order to tip-toe around someone else’s insecurities.
Its a public forum. The virtual version of everyone hanging out in a public space. If the content of the message isn’t inappropriate, then let it go. If it is, well then you’ve got a case.
I can’t recall the LW ever saying “she’ll post only videos to his wall” or “she never likes anybody’s comments but his.”
And even if she does post a link on occassion just to him, that doesn’t immediately mean “She’s undermining the relationship!” When I post articles or links on facebook, its usually just to one person at a time, often not my BF (he barely checks, anyways…). To me, its annoying when I get tagged on something that includes a ton of other people, I usually share what I know an individual would find interesting. So if she only posts, likes, comments on the BF’s wall, EVER, then yeah, that’s fishy. But if she posts, likes, and comments on other peoples walls, in addition to him, I think she just loves facebook. And the LW didn’t really specify the situation.
I dont think that her relationship is in danger but I get that the LW thinks it is wierd. Have you ever thought about posting something and then questioned it because it might be over stepping bounds? Like, I wouldn’t post on my friend’s husband’s page without posting her, too. The same way I wouldn’t call to chat without a very specific reason. It isn’t that it is “wrong” to do but just inappropriate.
You wouldn’t post on your friends husbands wall? Are you not friends with him as well? See this is what annoys me about facebook and why I’m always that person that says if you are having relationship drama you need to age by about 20 years and quit creating your own drama.
If your relationship or any relationship is in danger because someone posts a link on your facebook page you are not mature enough for 1) facebook and 2) a relationship.
Before you get all bent out of shape I’m not saying it’s okay for a guy (in a relationship) and a girl to have sex talk through facebook chat. Or exchange slutty private messages. But the WHOLE point of facebook is to post on eachother’s walls. If you are getting caught up worrying about what may or may not be appropriate to post on your friends husband’s wall either you have some issues or their relationship has some issues.
UGH that sounded super bitchy and personal and I did not mean it that way. This was my little side vent about facebook drama IN GENERAL not about you. So sorry.
Also the first paragraph should say if you are having *facebook* relationship drama…
See, In my case, outside of work, opposite sex friendships become less and less as we get older. The women are friends and we are “couple friends” but I would not call a friend’s husband on a personal cell phone without it having a very specific logistical purpose.
I am not taking it personally but I will say that as you get older, you dont have “new” male friends. You might have coworkers or old friends from college but it is wierd after marriage.
Maybe I shouldn’t speak for Iwannatalktosampson, but I’m pretty sure she is married already (if I’m wrong, please correct me).
That’s not to say your experience isn’t valid, but I know plenty of married peeps who haven’t lost friends of other genders or had them roll into “couple friends”.
Maybe its a regional/generation/or personal thing?
Yeah I don’t get that either, I post on my friends wives, and girlfriends walls all the time, I’m friends with them too, so why would I need to post on both, there husbands can see exactly what I’m doing. As long as it’s not “oh wow, I can almost see your nipple haning out of that bathing suit” or “nice camel toe” then it shouldn’t matter at all.
You are engaged and therefore not a threat….single people are much more prone to being accused of bf/gf stealing.
Agreed. It all seems so juvenile. I am friends with my friends’ husbands. Yeah I probably wouldn’t call them up and see if they wanted to go get drinks very often (actually I don’t even think I have some of their numbers) but I just despise all this jealousy. It’s such a waste of time. There is nothing shady about public facebook posts – and to imply that you can’t be firends with ANYONE of the opposite sex that is in a relationship is really annoying to me.
Oh I agree, but I was commenting on the fact that all of us are friends. Cporoski said she wouldn’t even post on her friends husband’s wall, unless she posted on her friends wall as well, and things should never be taken that far.
Like I said below, I’ve been known in my single days to hit on girls who had boyfriends, but only if I did not know the boyfriend at all, and they were all girls I met at the bars when they were without there significant other. I’ve never actually even hit on one of my real friends on facebook, or at least I don’t think I have..I hope somebody else doesn’t take it as I was.
I am curious. Are you posting something like “what are you guys doing friday?” Or are you saying, “I read this poem about sunshine and thought of you.”
@cporoski
I think this is the crux of the disagreement. Nobody really knows what this girl is posting, so we’re all filling in the gaps vis-a-vis our personal experiences. Obviously someone posting “I read this poem about sunshine and thought of you” on my BF’s wall would make me raise my eyebrows, but speaking abstractly, I don’t have a problem with a girl I don’t know posting on his wall.
So without knowing exactly what’s being said, none of us can really make a call about whether its appropriate or not.
haha – that’s exactly why I wanted this LW to post some name deleted conversations on fb that they have had.
I guess I get what you’re saying, but without knowing what the girl is actually posting, I can only project what I do. I post on all kinds of stuff on people’s walls: male, female, coupled, not, usually just one person at a time. I never worry “Am I over-stepping my bounds?” if I don’t also post on the wall of someone’s partner. Mostly because what I post couldn’t really be seen as inappropriate (news articles, funny videos, pictures of cats). It sounds like this girl has not met the LW, so why should she be posting on her wall as well? Is she not allowed to talk to the guy anymore just because he got a girlfriend she hasn’t met?
We’re allowed to talk out in the open with people of another gender who have a SO without it being seen as inappropriate, right? If we share a particular interest (like talking about politics, or whatever), Facebook to me is more akin to hanging out in public than it is a direct phone call. Yeah, its directed to one person, but everybody else can see it, just like if we were all hanging out and I said something specific to one person everybody else could hear it. Its completely transparent. Why would I post something on someone’s wife’s wall when its of no interest to her, and she can see that its nothing inappropriate anyways?
Facebook can facilitate people behaving badly or cheating on their partners, absolutely, but without knowing exactly what this girl is posting, to me its not problematic or inappropriate if someone posts something innocuous where everybody else can see it.
Yeah, I’m starting to worry now about my posting behaviors. I didn’t realize it was so easy to rouse suspicion… Yikes.
Well, I think a large part of this is that they are LDR. Women tend to feel better about the female friends in our SO’s life if we’ve met them. I don’t k now why but I guess for some reason it appeals to the logic of she’s seen us together, she know’s he’s mine and won’t get ideas….although after witnessing my friends affair I don’t subscribe to this principle anymore, but I used to before.
Chances are, we don’t run in the same circles. But in my world, I would hate for the other wives to ever have a reason to talk. Honesty, we have hundreds of posts on here about this one girl’s behavior. I would not do something that would bring that kind of attention
If the LW feels like writing about this, then it is too much.
I have a feeling that its his reactions/comments/likes on her stuff that sparked an insecurity. My boyfriend has tons of female attention, especially on facebook/twitter. It only bothers me when he “likes” pictures of them back or he’s the one making inside jokes on their stuff. He can’t control what the girls post, but he can certainly control himself.
Didn’t mean to reply to this thread. Whoops.
Plus this shows that you have complete trust in him because you’d rather their correspondence become more private and less in-your-face public, whereas if you asked him to stop engaging with her altogether, it makes you look jealous and controlling. ( I wouldn’t ask him to stop engaging publicly, but rather, to reduce it.) And if it leads him to cheat… well… then that was going to happen anyways and your fear that their exchanges are making you look like a dupe were well founded, so at least you can save a little face.
I agree with you here. Facebook is this super awkward thing. For example, my husband has this girl that he hasn’t seen in 10 years that dated one of his fraternity brothers and was a friend of the fraternity. This was not a friend but she posts on his wall about the good old days and her profile picture has a slut face all the time. It isn’t that I don’t trust him because of this, but it is annoying. Ultimately, I think this girl is lonely and misses the freedom of that time in her life. I doubt she is trying to steal my husband from 200 miles away and she does the same thing on many of his friends’ walls too. It isn’t a real threat but it does make you feel insecure.
slut face? please describe!
My guess is that she has a serious case of trout pout.
it is sort of trout poute. It is more of “I want to have sex look.” smouldering maybe? It would be fine in your bedroom but if you post it on facebook for the world to see is wierd.
Is she really hot? Is she your SO’s only female FB friend? Because I don’t understand why you’re singling her out as a threat for commenting and liking statuses, which is what everyone on FB do, since that’s what it’s for. No part of what you mention sounds like trouble to me.
This is exactly why I prefer not to fb friend someone I’m dating. It’s a breeding ground for jealousy when nine times out of ten, it’s harmless.
LW, if it’s only the facebook thing, I would let it go. As others said, you can’t control what other people post and look at on facebook.
If your gut is telling you there is somehting off, I suspect it’s more than this chick on facebook thing and I would reflect on my feelings and get to the route of them. Then have a conversation with the boyfriend. Because honestly, if there isn’t anything more, you should trust him. Yes, I know this is an LDR, but if there is no trust, there is no relationship to save. And to me, this trust also includes knowing that someone else flirting with your significant won’t matter because he’s not interested and you’re the one he wants and will come home to or travel to see.
trust also includes knowing that someone else flirting with your significant won’t matter because he’s not interested and you’re the one he wants and will come home to or travel to see.
I wish more people realized that.
YES, absolutely! Who cares if someone likes and/or flirts with your partner? As long as he’s with YOU, then let it go. If you can’t trust your SO to remain faithful when faced with “temptation” then maybe it’s not the right relationship for you.
I agree in private. But publicly, its embarrasing and it’s fair to get embarrased if your SO isn’t doing anything to discourage it (or actively is encouraging it). And if he isn’t discouraging it (at least a little), it makes you wonder why and that is a fair concern.
I can see your point there.
Yea, me too. If you are embarrassed by that or think “she” is going too far, then voice that to your SO and ask him to curb that behavior. One would hope if it were going too far that the guy would take it upon himself to respect his girlfriend and tell this girl to stop.
I can actually see your point too.
I stand by my trust statement. But I could see if it got to the point of embarrassment, the boyfriend should address those concerns. But that is also the way I would broach it to the boyfriend. Make it about how it makes you feel.
I’ve said it on here before and I’ll continue to say it. Remember the phrase . . . “I feel __ when you __” or “I feel __ when __”
I agree completely with 6. It’s embarrassing to have your SO publicly giving and getting attention from/to the opposite sex, and then writing it off as harmless friendship interaction. My ex-boyfriend was (is) super active on Facebook and loves attention from other girls. He had plenty of girls post on his page and vice versa, and it really started to drive me crazy. When I brought it up, he would reassure me that he was with me, I shouldn’t worry, etc, but it didn’t stop it from being embarrassing and slightly undermining to our relationship. I never in a millions years would think he would cheat with any of these women, but it gets old after a while.
I totally agree with you, 6! I told everyone on here the story about the work friend/ex/ex FWB my boyfriend had who was all but peeing on him to mark him as hers. Initially it was just kind of silly and sad, like when we started dating and she wouldn’t talk to him for like a month, but then she kept escalating her behavior toward him and increasing her fb posts to him, both in number and in the implications, finally culminating in changing her profile picture to one of him giving her a piggyback ride. He and I had so many conversations about her, and his line on the situation was originally that if he said something it wouldn’t stop her and would probably make it worse. Once I was finally able to articulate that I didn’t care so much about her actions as I did his inaction – essentially sending the message that it was okay to do this sort of thing – was when things got way better. I didn’t care if he gave her a piggyback ride to her car every night so long as he made crystal clear that he would no longer be friends with her if she continued to imply – both on fb and in real life – that something other than friendship was happening between them. He finally got that *he* was the one hurting my feelings, not her, and he asked her to stop. For awhile she got a little crazier – she dug her heels in on the piggyback picture, posted on his wall after he moved how much she missed him (“Love you – S” of course), texted him to tell him she was in town for Christmas and got all pouty when he reminded her that he said he wouldn’t be around for the holidays – but now she’s moved on. She occasionally tags him in posts with a bunch of other people, or texts him to see how school is, but beyond that she leaves him alone.
Do people have no shame anymore? I am shocked that people willingly make asses of themselves like this. Your boyfriend told her to stop and she just escalates it? What is that proving besides that she is pathetic?
I think it was more a mix of feeling like she needed to exert control over the situation, like “I can do this to you” – as in, me AND my boyfriend – “and you can’t do a thing about it no matter what you say to me,” and also she was passive agressive enough that she was never going to admit that was actually what she was doing. When my boyfriend called her on it, she pretended she had no idea what he was talking about and tried to paint me as some jealous controlling bitch who was trying to turn him against her. She also called him an egomaniac (god! Just because I changed my profile picture to one of me on your back doesn’t mean I want people to think we’re a thing! You’re so full of yourself!) and kept the picture up long enough that when she took it down it might not seem like it was because he told her to.
I honestly feel a litte bad for her because male approval is so soul-crushingly vital to her. She broke up with my boyfriend several years ago, but when it became apparent before we ever even talked about dating that he was moving on, it was like someone was taking her puppy. She didn’t actually want him, but she needed desperately to know she could have him if she chose.
If this is what the female friend is doing on the LW’s boyfriend’s wall, then yes, absolutely inappropriate and she has every right to be POed.
You are so right!! up top, people are giving me a hard time because of inappropriate but you made it so much more clear. it is embarrasing. That is exactly it. It isn’t jealousy it isnt trust issues as sampson was accusing. It is that every person who looks at that public wall from now to a month from now will see that girl’s several comments. exactly.
Sounds like she just really likes Facebook. So she likes his status and they hang out in group settings…I don’t see the big deal. If she were posting lovey notes all over his wall and they were spending lots of time in person one-on-one then I would worry, but that isn’t the case based on your letter. If you continue to hound him about this, he won’t want to move in with you or continue being with you. How would you feel if you had a strictly platonic male friend and he were constantly assuming/accusing you of being more than friends with him? A relationship requires trust. If you don’t trust him to have a friend with a vagina, you probably shouldn’t move in with him.
I respectfully disagree with those that dismiss your feelings immediately. Yes… this is “just” facebook, but I think in our society (very unfortunately), facebook has become a big part of people’s lives. From experience, I know that there are people who use facebook as a tool to act inappropriately while in a monogamous relationship. That doesn’t mean that your boyfriend is one of those people. But, being that you are long distance and this woman is making you feel a little uncomfortable, I don’t think your feelings are something to 100% push aside as being silly. To quote MarkD (a few comments up)… “What you feel is what you feel”. I don’t like the idea of making people out to be silly or crazy because something is worrying them.
I wonder a lot about the content of these posts. Do they seem flirty or is this girl just too attached to her iPhone and spends every spare minute “liking” everything? She might be all over everyone’s facebooks. And if that is the case, I wouldn’t worry too much.
I would as calmly as possible explain to your boyfriend that you are just feeling extra sensitive since he is so far away. That you want to trust him and are working on it, but it is so difficult being far away. But, make sure he knows how important this is to you to feel comfortable about all the time you spend apart. Maybe this will make him see that maybe he should tone down all the facebook exchanges with this woman.
And take heart… once he lives with you, you will have a much better sense of trust. My gut says there is nothing more going on here than an overzealous facebooker. But, if there is MORE going on here then what you put in your letter and you have some stronger evidence that something is going on, I’d think hard before you have him move in.
To your first paragraph I also know people who DON’T use facebook so they can act inappropriately in a monogamous relationship…haha…totally separate conversation, but yea…your comment made me think of that.
Seconding “I also know people who DON’T use facebook so they can act inappropriately in a monogamous relationship” because I know several people like that…
My saying is never trust a guy who DOESN’T have a facebook for this reason! I know a couple of men who avoid it altogether so they can avoid this drama with their SOs.
My saying is never trust a guy who won’t have a beer with you. 😉
Yeah, I know one dude who has a page but never goes on to post anything or respond to anyone because he’s all sorts of shady & doesn’t want people figuring out who he hangs out with (or where he goes) just from looking at Facebook. AND I know somebody else who is stringing two girls along, & refuses to be in pictures when we go out (like not just NOT TAGGED…he runs from the camera)
Just wanted to add that my friends who DID cheat didn’t do it with facebook at all. As a matter of fact they rarely visited or commented on each other’s page.
Oh and she never ‘friended’ the wife, but would’ve accepted had the wife sent a request because their interactions on fb were non existent.
“..once he lives with you, you will have a much better sense of trust.”
I know what you mean here, that she will feel at ease when they are not separated by distance. But I also don’t think you should live together if you don’t already have a high level of trust, period. This reminds me of Friends, where Emily decides to come back to live with Ross because she’ll “know where he is all the time” once they live together. That just isn’t the case. If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way. Living together shouldn’t be a way to keep tabs on someone. Trust should precede living together.
“Should I be suspicious” is sort of a pointless thing to ask, isnt it? Either you are suspicious (and I would guess you are, since you have these feelings and are asking for advice) or you aren’t, and there is no problem.
Are you suspicious? Then proceed accordingly. Don’t look for trouble if you really are fine with things. My boyfriend is really, really friendly with people, and men and women love him. He has always had lots of women friends, who facebook, email, txt, and call him, for advice or to catch up or whatever. I used to wonder about this, and then I realised I didn’t actually care. I know he would never cheat. I know who he is, and he would never do that. I was just thinking that the only way to be a girlfriend was to be a jealous one. Once I became my own kind of girlfriend, with my own set of dealbreakers and behaviours, I became much happier.
anyway, enough about me 🙂 All I wanted to illustrate is that you need to be really sure its a problem before you take it to a discussion with him. If you are just reacting because you think its embarrassing, or you think that someone else seeing these posts might wonder why you aren’t keeping him on a tighter leash, ignore it.
Just replying to say I really like this comment, especially “I was just thinking that the only way to be a girlfriend was to be a jealous one. Once I became my own kind of girlfriend, with my own set of dealbreakers and behaviours, I became much happier”
And I also think you have a really good point with pointing out that her reaction could be based on what she feels OTHER people might think. I often don’t think to be jealous until there are witnesses, if that makes any sense, so that could very well be the case with this LW.
Honestly i think you are looking into this too much. I can only imagine how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship with the technology of today being the sole way of communicating and seeing each other. But what this FB friend is doing is just being an active FBer. You never mentioned any inappropriate or really personal comments that she has made on his wall, nor did you mention any deep conversations they have had together that should have been between you and your bf, or spending loads of time together. So from the looks of it, she is just being active on the website. Your bf has assured you that he is not attracted to the girl, and he is still planning on moving in with you. I think my only suggestions would be to first, trust your bf, and two maybe suggest that he not engage with the friend as much online, so as to create some boundary between the friendship so she doesn’t get the wrong idea, the only way you are going to solve this “problem” is to talk with your bf and your concerns. But honestly from what i read, there is no real threat.
So I’m kind of with 6napkinburger on this one. Although “it’s facebook, get over it” and “you have to trust your boyfriend” and “you can’t control anyone’s behavior” are all good (and true) responses, there is definitely something to be gained from a conversation with your boyfriend here.
To wit: my fiance had a female facebook friend who would CONSTANTLY post on his wall, and specifically, post things like “love you, miss you!” These things made me uncomfortable. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him, and it would have been bizarre if that was the case – he was living with me, in the U.S., and she was a girl in South Africa where he grew up, a girl he wasn’t even in contact with. But, he admitted, she was a girl who had definitely crushed on him for years, and seemingly was still doing so. I thought it was disrespectful to our relationship, and I was genuinely uncomfortable with the idea that, if someone looked at his facebook page, they would think to themselves “Who’s this girl posting that she loves this guy, and what about yetanotherlawyer? Aren’t they getting married? What’s going on?”
So I explained these things to my fiance, and he said I shouldn’t be jealous, and he agreed with everything everyone here is saying – facebook is not real life, different people have different facebook presences, etc. But he also listened to my concerns, and understood how I could interpret it as disrespectful, and, because he is an amazing man, he told the girl to back the f*** off (in, I assume, much nicer words). She stopped telling the world how much she loved my fiance, and I worked on not being stressed out when she did drop by his facebook page to check in.
So, I guess the point is, check in with your boyfriend and articulate to him exactly why this girl’s posts bother you when others don’t. If it’s the content, or the frequency, or whatever, just discuss it with him. If you’re uncomfortable, or unhappy, talk to your guy. Don’t blame him, or shame him, or demand that he do anything in particular – just tell him that you’re upset. If he’s a stand-up guy, he’ll acknowledge your feelings, and do what he can to make you feel better, EVEN IF (and I cannot emphasize this enough) he thinks you have nothing to worry about. If he blows you off, though, you have bigger problems than some random facebook friend.
Exactly! There are two issues at play: “trust” and “comfort.” A lot of people seem to think that if you trust your person, then it doesn’t matter what the other person is doing. That’d be fantastic if it wasn’t out there for the whole world to see (or at least your own personal world.) That is what makes it uncomfortable. There are times when “it doesn’t matter what people think, I know the truth” and there are times when “The situation leading everyone to believe the same non-true X is making me uncomfortable” is completely justified.
I’m not sure who posted above about how she would deal with SO’s of her friends, but I think she’s right on target. I wouldn’t just go posting on a friend’s husband/boyfriend’s page that I wasn’t independently friends with without a clear purpose, or without tagging her, or something to that effect. Do I think my friend would think I’m hitting on her husband? Hell no. Do I think he would think I’m hitting on him? Hell no. Am I hitting on him? Again, hell no. But. by linking her or messaging her too or making it specific to a clear reason, I take any grey zone out of the picture.
Just like I wouldn’t just call him up to go hang out without her and not tell her, unless it had to do with her. Because its weird and its inappropriate. Which is not about being jealous or weirdly moralistic or girls can’t hang out with boys. And if I wanted to become better friends with him, I could certainly do that one on one, but I’d be sure to tell her/quasi ask her/run it by her (and normally, it would be FOR her, so I could get to know her person better) I worked near one of my best friend’s husbands and we’d get lunch by ourselves fairly often. But that had a clearly defined reason — we worked near each other.
The same is true for male friends with GF’s. You almost always invite them together or make it clear why it’d only be him, which includes catching up and wanting to discuss personal things (your personal things). It’s just a polite thing to do to make sure his SO is comfortable, even thought there is nothing to be uncomfortable about. If you are comfortable enough with both of them, then you don’t have to hedge as much in your personal communications but you still should online. Because when you are putting it out there, in public, where other people don’t know the extent of your relationships, it is curteous to make sure everything looks as above board as it is. Otherwise its embarrassing to her for no reason.
the other person = the totally other person, not your SO.
This is one of those things that sound so petty to voice (“It’s just that she’s always ‘liking’ your stuff on FB!!! And why does is she always posting Korean pop videos to your wall? Is that some kind of THING you guys have?”) but Facebook acticity can reveal a lot about a person’s real-life activity. So you’re not crazy to be worried, especially if you guys are long-distance.
Don’t hyper-stalk his page (easier said than done!), but do be aware of his habits (I’m assuming you’re not friends with her & can’t see much of her page, so I’m leaving her out of the equation) Like, is he a pretty active FB user who posts shit willy-nilly and has back-and-forth comment exchanges with people he barely talks to in real life? If that’s the case, I’d say maybe you’re reading too much into his FB friendship with this particular girl (…does she happen to be super-hot?)
However, if he’s a more reserved user whose wall is just…you, this girl, and some spam, then maybe you should have a talk with him. I don’t know what you should talk ABOUT though, because if he DOES have something more going on with this girl, then he’s already been lying to you? And will probably keep doing so? It’d be nice to know the nature of these inside-y jokes– you might think it sounds trivial, but most people are aware of others’ online stalking habits & now try to get all cute and clever and subtle with what they post, so it’s quite possible that you’re NOT “reading too much” into it.
One other thing to keep in mind is that she may be someone who just really likes attention, or likes your boyfriend, or maybe SHE’S a super-active on Facebook. I’m sure you’ve probably thought of ALL these things while you were ruminating on your own, however, and there’s isn’t much to do besides what you’ve already done (bring it up to him, and see what he says) Do you trust him normally? Have you met his friends, or do you at least think you have a good idea about what kind of people they are?
Since he’s moving in soon, this will either 1.) blow completely over & you’ll feel silly for even being suspicious or 2.) develop further as you see his phone is now blowing up with texts and calls from her, or something like that. Sorry if this isn’t much help!
Like your boyfriend says, he’s going to be moving in with you. Not only does that mean that he’s committed to you, but he’s also not going to live near that other girl anymore. I like what someone above said, don’t worry until you need to worry (or something like that). I’m not sure whether you think this girl is just moving in on your territory or if you are actually suspicious that he’s cheating on you. But a guy is going to cheat whether you harass him about it or not. And if you got him to unfriend her, etc., and he were the type to cheat, he’d still do it. So, if you trust him, then drop it for the next few months and then celebrate moving in together.
I know that most people will say you are overreacting and there is nothing there, which is probably the truth.
However, I will say that my ex cheated on me with two different girls, who were both very “Active” on his Facebook page, and him on theirs. I had never met either of these two girls, both of whom he knew from his hometown, and he insisted that he hadn’t hung out with either in years, but they were constantly posting and liking his statuses, etc. I was actually harassed by the first girl repeatedly on the FB via private messaging saying that I was with HER boyfriend, etc etc. Now this girl had some legitimate mental problems, or so I was told by my ex’s family, so I chalked it up to that. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me type situation. When the second girl started popping up on his FB repeatedly, I took notice, and while I ignored the pit in my stomach for awhile, it turned out that they were going behind my back for months before I broke up with him.
Here’s the thing about girls – it’s much more easy to read our “feelings” for someone on the FB. Think about someone you have a crush on, or your friend who’s pining for that guy you both know that’s in a relationship: it’s highly likely that your you or your friend are “liking” his statuses and posts or posting things yourselves, etc. So while this girl is probably just a friend of his friend, I would personally do some further investigation into this.
Go with your gut. If you think something is going on, see if you can get more info – maybe hang out with his friends and him, see if this girl is there, and watch how they interact. Talk with your boyfriend again and make sure he knows that you are uncomfortable with it.
Chalk it up to paranoia from my own situation, but it really opened my eyes and made me more observant than I already was.
This is what I came here to say. I had a similar situation to the LW- LDR, random girl who he was supposedly not close friends with but saw through mutual friends posting all over his fb. Well, she made me uncomfortable and when I brought it up he told me I was overreacting and it was nothing and he loved me etc.
Fast forward 2 months to when he dumped me over the phone a day before I was going to our mutual hometown to visit my family (and him) and then fast forward 6 more days from that to when they became “in a relationship” with each other on Facebook. I am sure she wasn’t the only problem in our relationship, but I am also sure that having a willing, available girl right there while I was 1000 miles away didn’t help things.
So while I would love to tell the LW its just facebook and her boyfriend loves her and she’s worrying for nothing… well, I can’t. It could be nothing or it could be something. If he keeps brushing off your concerns rather than taking your valid feelings into consideration and asking her to back the eff off, then I would consider that a sign that he isn’t right for you, whether this girl is the problem or not.
Yeah I think that is the one thing that bothers me about the LW’s boyfriend. Supposedly he isn’t really friends with her at all, but that really seems like he is lying about something. I mean you don’t have inside jokes, and all this back and forth with somebody you don’t even know. To me it really seems like he is hiding something.
He probably said this because he saw her crazy light blinking red. Like ‘oh don’t worry about it we’re not that close’ when really they’re pretty good friends. What he should have said is ‘you have nothing to be worried about, we’re just friends and you’re the only girl for me’. Or something like that. I mean how often do people tell little white lies in an attempt to diffuse a situation – only to make it worse? I do this all the time. I actually think it’s a problem how much I white lie my way through life.
Oh, I’m the same way! I feel like sometimes it is just easier that way.
I’m in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I are long distance right now, so when I get twinges of jealousy, they’re always magnified by the distance.
I try not to be jealous when other girls are “all over” my boyfriend’s Facebook, but I’ve come to find out there’s really not much I can do. I can’t control it, and he can’t ask them to stop posting. I’ve told him my concerns, but he isn’t do anything wrong, so it’s difficult for him to do anything to help how I feel.
If you’ve already told him your concerns, all you can do now is trust him. You can never truly KNOW if he has feelings for the other girl or not, but his actions (being active with you on Facebook and talking to you on the phone; moving in with you soon; reassuring you that he is moving to be with you; etc.) are showing you that he loves YOU, not her.
I know from experience that it’s hard to not have daily reassurance from your SO that you’re loved and important to him. But it seems like you’re getting that, even from a distance. And at least he’s moving soon. If you trust him, then trust him.
He can, though. He can easily filter them out of most posts, block his wall, etc.
Yeah but would you do that to a friend of yours just because your SO doesn’t want you talking to the friend? I mean, if your SO has no real reason to be jealous, would you still offend your friend by blocking them?
In general it’s a bad idea to placate an insecure and controlling person by validating their behaviour. All that gets you is more insecure and controlling. The LW needs to get over this stat. The bf is doing nothing wrong. Sounds like the LW has some serious growing up to do and I’m a little doubtful as to whether she should be moving in with this guy.
So two theories:
1) She is an active fb poster as the above commenters suggest…this equates to her being harmless and essentially “socializing” on facebook…which results in many fb derived inside jokes. If most of the inside jokes are related to postings they’ve had on fb I would lean towards this one.
2) She wants your bf…this falls into two other “sub-theories”
a) Your bf is clueless to this…is an active fb-er himself and views it as platonic socializing.
b) Your bf recognizes she is flirting and is reciprocating because he enjoys the attention.
Of course depending on your bf’s personality 2b may result in cheating.
Now…what to do…if 1, then let it go. If 2a, let it go…if this is something you can’t let go and your bf refuses to tame it down then maybe it isn’t the right relationship for you. If 2b…I don’t think I personally could handle that type of personality in an s/o…but it’s your perogative if that is ok with you or not.
I know it sounds ridiculous to some people…but facebook has become a sort of public socialization forum and there is etiquette to follow if you are one of the people that doesn’t just stay friends with close friends and family…
If it were me, I would probably friend her and then see if she’s like that with everyone. If not, and she’s really just posting all these things for your boyfriend, then maybe I’d be worried. It would probably make me uncomfortable if my boyfriend had a bunch of inside jokes with a girl we weren’t both friends with, especially if you ask him about it and he brushes it off like, “Oh, that’s just how she is” or “It’s too hard to explain.” (Not saying yours is doing this.)
Regardless, like a lot of others are saying, I would wait it out a few more months until he moves and then see if it stops. She could just be one of those super-social people who have a new ‘best friend’ every month, and once he’s off her radar, she’ll disappear.
My concern here is the LW is feeling uncomfortable about a relationship her BF considers nothing/minimal/inconsequential and when she made him aware, he chose to blow it off rather than change things. I hope that it’s just a matter of communication and clarity. Maybe she’s not clear about how this FB relationship specifically offends her boundaries for their relationship. Maybe she’s not been able to clearly explain the details to him in a non-threatening way. Maybe he’s not clear about how the other woman’s attention makes him feel or how it is appropriate for him to set boundaries with other people, even with the limited tools FB offers, to keep this insignificant relationship from negatively impacting his primary relationship.
As others have said, it’s good that this attention between boyfriend and his FB buddy is in the open rather than one-on-one. And it’s good that the LW has acknowledged her feelings and is willing to talk about it. And I really like that boyfriend is engaged in the conversation. I think this is one of those opportunities for growth in their relationship.
LW, please keep talking about it. I would suggest asking boyfriend to see if he can put himself in your shoes for a few minutes (heck, this kind of thing might have already happened with the shoe on the other foot for you two), and ask him to consider how he would want to resolve the situation if the behavior of one of your “just an acquaintances” made him uncomfortable, and how he would feel if you chose to put your primary relationship at risk for an inconsequential FB friendship?
Hell, speaking of putting the shoe in the other foot, if I receive a message that just says ‘hello’from a friend that I havnt heard from in months, he blows up and immediately wants to end the relationship, not to mention won’t even talk to me for 48 hrs… and yet he contiously flirts, posts messages and sends private messages to his women friends contiously everyday. even an app notifacation will set him off…I have decided to not use social.media precisely because of his reactions, and yet I get to see his active communication with others on a daily basis. i trust that he won’t actually do anything, but sometimes it gets to me that I allow his freedom in his socializing, and yet if a person even looks at me, he wants to end it.It just doesn’t seem fair.
It’s not fair. It’s called controlling behavior and a double standard. I get that you trust him, but this is totally how cheaters act. Your instincts are correct that you shouldn’t put up with it.
Uhh… his behaviour is fucked up and not normal. Why are you putting up with that bullshit?
Maybe they “like” each other’s stuff on facebook because they tend to enjoy similar things? Which, btw, is not a sign that something is wrong.
Crap, and I meant to add in there… They’re doing this in a public forum that is accessible to you, which indicates that nothing suspicious is going on. If they were really being shady, they wouldn’t be so public. It sounds like they’re just friends with common interests who believe that you’re a trusting and reasonable enough girlfriend to understand that.
Um when I was single, I use to hit on plenty of girls with boyfriends, as long as I didn’t know that guy… oops… please don’t hate me, hate the game.
If this is what they’re doing in public, imagine what they could be doing in private. I’m sorry but I just don’t think “they’re carrying on right under your nose” is proof that they aren’t really carrying on anything bad. Maybe she’s a flirt. Maybe he likes the attention. Or maybe there’s something more too it.
Trust your boyfriend unless you have an actual reason not to trust him (which I’m assuming you don’t have, otherwise you would have mentioned it). But let him know about your anxieties – if he’s going to marry you one day, he has a right to know what kind of jealousy he’s going to have to deal with over the years.
You sound super judgmental here. Plenty of people in relationships experience insecurities that they don’t always voice. She doesn’t HAVE to bring it up if she doesn’t think it will help the situation. Maybe she’s letting this small insecurity out on DW so she can let it go in her relationship and not have it affect their dynamic.
I have to respectfully disagree, June. I think communication is key in a relationship. There are absolutely appropriate (“It makes me feel insecure when…”) and inappropriate (“OMG, WHY ARE YOU ALL UP ON HER FB? DO YOU LIKE HER?”) ways to communicate relationship insecurities; but it’s important to feel like you can talk with your significant other about things, instead of letting them fester away into resentment or mistrust. I think John Rohan is right (though I can see how his comment might have come across as less than judicious towards the LW) — sure, it’s a good idea to get some legitimate support/advice on Dear Wendy or from friends — at some point it will be a good idea the broach this topic of what kind of friends/”friends”/exes/etc. that they are and aren’t comfortable with in their relationship.
there arent a lot of details here. i can say that girls use facebook more than guys (from my own circle) so his other friends probably dont care about posting.
just and idea, but have you tried ‘friending’ this girl on fb? make an effort to actually get to know her vs. thinking she’s out to get your bf.
My husband is facebook friends with his first serious girlfriend/ex-fiancee. She’s constantly liking his status and comments, even though she has also moved on and married to somebody else and he returns the liking as well. I mentioned to my husband how uncomfortable I was regarding the mutual liking – I was concerned about it because I knew that my family would see his activity and start thinking something inappropriate would be going on, even though I trusted him and I knew that my husband would never disrespect me by cheating. He advised that I send a friend request to her, and she accepted it, as did her husband. A shady girl wouldn’t be so quick to accept a friend request of a cheater’s other girl.
Now you did not mention if this facebook friend/girl who is constantly liking his posts has any past history with your boyfriend. Nor did you mention if you and your boyfriend reflect your facebook status as being in a relationship with the other. I’m just wondering if your jealousy is stemming from this girl’s constant liking and his respective liking in return, or is it more over the fact that she currently is in close proximity to him and you are physically missing your boyfriend in return.
Yet no matter where your jealousy is stemming from, it sounds like your main concern is that he’s is at least demonstrating to others near him that he’s committed to you, even if you two are currently long distance. With the upcoming move to you, it sounds as if he is demonstrating, so you have to TRUST your boyfriend that he is letting people know that he is off the market and committed to you. For all you know, when he moves closer to you, his demonstrated facebook-werewolf tendencies will just get weaker once they’re away from another facebook-werewolf – since that is what “Like”anthropes tend to do when they’re separated from the pack.
I saw a few other people suggest friending her also. Am I the only one who thinks that would be pretty weird. I mean, this is basically a total stranger. I personally would think its very weird if I received a friend request from a girl my male friend is dating that I barely know.
yeah, I agree… I mean, I get that friending her would allow the LW to see if she’s all over everybody’s FB or just the boyfriend’s, but it would be pretty weird is she actually did this. And if I was the other girl, I would see right through her intentions.
I have a friend I have known since middle school and he was my partner in the school play in high school. Lost touch for 30 years, reconnected via FB and now are friends. We comment on each other’s statuses fairly regularly. His wife friended me. I thought “Why not?” They have been together for about 30 years though I had never met her because I left the area we grew up in. I hung out with her even last time I visited my hometown. I think it is OK, because if she had serious reservations about me, that would spell the end of our friendship.
Honestly I think that, too. If a girlfriend of one of my friends, whom I’d never met before, tried to friend me on fb I would decline. I keep my friend list to only people I actually know and talk to frequently. I also would never spend so much time liking/commenting/messaging on facebook that she would be led to believe there was a problem, though…
My concern is the LW will try to friend this woman, she will decline for whatever reason, and the LW’s suspicions will sprial out of control. Talk to your boyfriend, clearly tell him what’s bothering you and why, and his reaction should tell you what you need to know. Whether or not there’s something with him and this girl, if he blows you off it might be a good indicator that this isn’t the relationship for you
Honestly I think that, too. If a girlfriend of one of my friends, whom I’d never met before, tried to friend me on fb I would decline. I keep my friend list to only people I actually know and talk to frequently. I also would never spend so much time liking/commenting/messaging on facebook that she would be led to believe there was a problem, though…
My concern is the LW will try to friend this woman, she will decline for whatever reason, and the LW’s suspicions will spiral out of control. Talk to your boyfriend, clearly tell him what’s bothering you and why, and his reaction should tell you what you need to know. Whether or not there’s something with him and this girl, if he blows you off it might be a good indicator that this isn’t the relationship for you
So I have a confession to make. I figure I can make it here and not have it get it or back to the original sources…right?!
Here goes: SO a few years ago the ex and I were havin some issues relating to my jealousy over his new found gym friend who was (is actually, she’s not dead lol) EXTREMELY hot. Like super in shape plus amazingly attractive face hot. Totally his type too. I was a pile of insecurities wrapped up in a fatsuit of bacon. Anyways when I joined the gym I facebook friended her as well. She accepted. I was doing this hoping she knew HE was MINE and to BACK OFF. Didn’t work so well when he ended up asking for a break from us and then asking her to ‘hang out’ Add alcohol to aforementioned pile of insecurities. As fate would have it, the ‘hang out’ with her never happened and ex and I resumed our now undefined relationship. A few months later I see she has a SUPER model hot BF who now she’s been with for years. Its still awkward for me when I run into her at the gym, but haha just checked and we’re still FB friends. And damn her BF and her look like a model couple. SIGH. Some people have all the luck. But hot damn, I just realized that lately I’M A Hot Gymfreak Brunette. YES! Winning!
So if you read to the end of this, I’m sorry. it was meant to be more of a confessional piece than helpful advice, but still 🙂
Ugh I was hoping that since it was an EX that we would have a way more dramatic ending haha!
Haha, sorry! Our ‘ending’ was pretty tame, and I say ‘ending’ because I still see him occasionally. Not like as anything physical more like lets catch up–seeing him next week actually. Writing this all out was nice though. Good to be reminded of why we aren’t together!
Here’s why it shouldn’t bother you – if he wanted to be with her, he’d be with her, but he wants to be with you and he is. He tells you they’re barely friends, but you clearly don’t trust him because you don’t seem to believe him. Why do you care that he has inside jokes with friends he spends time with? Why do you care that his friends writes on his wall a lot or that he writes back? THEY ARE FRIENDS! Don’t you have friends that you have inside jokes with and whose wall you write on? Seriously, get over it. Just because she is a girl does not mean that she wants to be him or that he wants to be with her. Platonic relationships between different genders happens. Being a jealous, paranoid person will succeed in driving him away. If you can’t trust your LD boyfriend, then what is the point of staying together? Either trust him completely or MOA.
Wise, wise lady right here.
“Here’s why it shouldn’t bother you – if he wanted to be with her, he’d be with her, but he wants to be with you and he is.”
This!
I get the stories of people saying that the constant fb posting of their significant other with someone of the opposite sex turned out to be the end of first relationship and the beginning of another one. And that sucks. Especially to find out about the cheating through inappropriate, public facebook posts.
The thing is, if the LW asks him to stop, what’s to stop her boyfriend from communicating with this girl in other ways. Phone, texts, e-mails, in-person? Someone will stray only if they want to and the relationship is broken. No amount of badgering (or untrust) will help the situation, but only make it worse.
As others have said, if this is the only thing that makes her uncomfortable – and she phrases it to the boyfriend appropriately – he should do something to assuage her fears. If he doesn’t, there is more problems with the relationship that should be addressed.
I think his response to her concerns is really whats throwing her off because the two behaviors simply don’t match. “we aren’t really friends” doesn’t match with the fact that they share inside jokes and are all over each others walls. My bf used to downplay his friendship with girls during our LDR because he thought he was sparing my feelings, but really, I would rather him just tell me the truth because there is nothing wrong with having friends and it only becomes ‘weird’ when you have to start wondering if there is a reason to hide that friendship when it’s clear that it’s there. If she is someone who maybe started out as an acquatance and has now become more of a friend its ok for him to just say so. And I think by him just admitting this simple fact and reassuring his gf that there is nothing else going on, like he has, will go a long way in making her feel better.
Not really knowing other details here it’s hard to say whether this girl is really obsessing over the situation or just being a little insecure, but it’s helped me to realize, in my moments of insecurity, that I simply cannot control everyone and everything and that the best I can do is make a conscious choice to trust my bf because he hasn’t really given me a reason not to.
Yeah, but the “inside jokes” could stem from the few times they have hung out, and she references them because they don’t know each other well enough to have anything else to talk about.
Yes! This is exactly how I try to begin a lot of friendships. This is such a good point!
And this is why I’m not on Facebook. Yuck.
LW – copy and paste some of these interactions please…the only way to really get a consensus from the commenters, imotbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Context is e’rything.
Sheesh. Did we not go through this yesteday about the acronyms?
in my opinion tbhhhhhh? what the second half mean?
to be honest….I like to combine them because it looks ridiculous….and it’s a WoW joke dating back to my video game addiction stage in college.
Nice. I prefer lbh over tbh, but teho (to each his own 🙂
SWLFTT — remember from the confession days when I was going to try to get that started?
So what? Love fake ti-tty???
No, I don’t remember.
No, guess again. I like reading your guesses.
Sweet Women Lounge & Fake Tan Topless.
Some White Lizards Fart Totally Tactfully.
Smelly Wet Legs Feel Tainted & Tantalizing.
Ha. You know what? This game isn’t fair … because I think I got “SWLFTT” wrong. It was supposed to be my signoff when I dearwendy from, um, the restroom. Sent With Love From The Toilet, Addie Pray.
But some white lizards totally do fart tactfully.
Single White Lady Friend Touches Tweens
Ok LW here is my FB story for you. I actually had this guy from my fiancee’s highschool, that she was never friends with in highschool, start to leave post on her wall, and commnet on everything she posted. You could tell this guy liked her, because she looks a lot different now than when she was in highschool, and it was constanly on everything. So even though my fiancee would never actually respond to him, she would just like his comment instead, he would still do it. So I decided that everytime he commented on one of her post I would just comment after, and sometimes put boyfriendy things in there, and he finally stopped facebook hitting on her. I actually never said anything to her about asking him to stop or anything like that, because really I didn’t worry about it, but I just wanted him to know I was there, and that he basically show a little respect, and it worked.
Hilarious! Well played.
Thanks! I’m also such a hypocrite, because I may have hit on a taken lady or two back in the day. At least I know it though!
And then you keyed his car and left harassing voice messages at his place of work, right?
I love cars to much to key them! But I did ding dong ditch him, and poop in a bag, and light it on fire, on his front doorstep! Then I heard “Don’t put it out with your boot Ted”
You called the shit, poop.
Yay, somebody got it!
YES. THIS. Get in there and be part of the conversation if it’s bothering you. And her response to that will probably speak volumes.
I’m inclined to think that, if the boyfriend hasn’t given any indication that he can’t be trusted, I would believe him when he says he’s not interested in her and not to worry, etc. I can understand her insecurity, though, as they are long distance, and the boyfriend might see this girl in person more frequently than the LW (even if they are only in the same circle of friends and not close with each other). I think I’d be a little annoyed by it if it were me. She should continue to be honest about it with her boyfriend and it would be a red flag if he dismisses her opinion. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing this though, as she says he has said not to worry, they’re not that good friends anyway. This girl could just be an avid facebook user…
I really dislike Facebook.
That is it.
I’m not sure who may have already said this because I haven’t read through all of the comments, but my concern is with the comment, ” (he) reiterates that he will be moving in with me soon so there is no need to worry.” I understand she means that the distance and thus, many worries will be eliminated, but issues with trust will not not magically go away by moving in together. It’s just something to consider before making such a huge transition!
Just because it’s facebook, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t mean anything.
For example, my last boyfriend and I lived an hour and a half away, and saw each other on the weekends. There was a girl in his group of friends who would always leave comments, like his crap, and comment on his pictures, and he would do the same. It bothered me some, but at the same time decided it was dumb to not trust him based on that alone. (we were also friends, only because I asked her, and she was not like this with other people) Fast forward a month or two and I find out he’s hanging out with her and lying to me about it (I found out by accident, not through looking through his stuff). Cooking dinner together, going swimming, taking day trips into the city together…
I never told him that the way they were on facebook bothered me because it did seem kind of silly, so I had never said anything about this girl, but he lied to me anyway. Not because he knew she bothered me, but because he knew he was behaving badly.
Anyway, the point is that just because it’s on facebook, doesn’t automatically trivialize it. I know facebook is kind of dumb, but still. It’s public, and it made me feel humiliated when it happened because everyone could see it, and I felt like his friends all knew and I felt really, really stupid. I’m NOT saying this is what is happening with this girl, but I am saying that this sort of thing does happen.
On the other hand, my current boyfriend has some girl always comment on his stuff (he doesn’t respond to any of it), but I trust him completely. I know he wouldn’t ever do anything like that. The trust that was missing in other relationships is in this one, and that anxiety that I felt before just is never around.
I guess he can’t control how she posts, but he can control how he responds to it.
Facebook can be stressful guys! Good luck!
But Facebook is not the reason you had a lousy boyfriend. Facebook doesn’t create those. I feel like people are not realizing that.
Facebook can be sort of a window into what’s going on in real life, though. That’s the message I got from CattyGoLightly’s example.
Of course, it can also…not be. Since some people are so shady that they completely avoid FB for the reason of not leaving any clues.
That wasn’t my point though. It seems like people are thinking that it is facebook that is making their boyfriends shady or cheaters. If someone wants to cheat, they’ll find a way. Cheaters did in fact exist before facebook. And before you ask, yes, even before myspace.
Yea – but what they are saying is that the exact situation she is in they werein and it resulted in getting cheated on…they aren’t blaming facebook…other girls could post on this guys wall and she doesn’t care…but this particular girl is signaling an alarm…and it aligns really well with about 2-3 other womens experiences with being cheated on…don’t dismiss that.
I don’t disagree with what you’re saying, however, personal experiences will skew your view/advice. Just because its happened a few times (or even many), doesn’t mean its probably happening now.
Like just because my friend’s husband cheated on her at a bar, doesn’t mean I should be wary of my SO going to a bar.
Yea, but their stories can be used to relate to her situation and see if there is a pattern. That’s the point…everyone’s perspective is skewed…you’ve never had the issue…you have your pov…that’s why this site is good. Everyone’s personal experiences can culminate into someone making the best decision for their situation and also add to their perspective on a situation. For better or for worse.
Thats true, I’d just hate for the LW to see those perspective and have her spiral into worrying even more than she already is. Like its validating her concerns and convincing her there is probably a big issue.
I guess in the end you are right tho, she could listen to those, weigh them against the ones that are opposite, etc.
It’s not really going to the bar that you should be wary about, it’s what is happening at the bar, just like it’s not having a friend of the opposite sex commenting that you should be wary about, but it’s about what/how they are saying it.
It would be like if your friends husband, made a female friend at the bar, and kept telling his wife, that his new friend was just that, a friend, but the wife wasn’t allowed to meet her, and hangout with him at a bar.
Then one day your SO comes home, and says he made this new female friend at the bar, and he meets with her every week, but tells you that you can’t come meet her. Would feel comfortable with that?
If I was told I cannot meet her, yea, I’d be more than just uncomfortable.
I just hope that with all the examples and opinions on here, the line of truly inappropriate things is drawn strong enough for the LW to see. I guess everyone saying ‘well, I’d have to see the posts to be able to tell if its ok or not’ will make that obvious. Some things I’ve read on this thread made my head spin thinking of how jealous people can be over nothing. Other things, like your example, are things that should make someone reasonably worried.
Oh I agree, there are some people you wont even speak to somebody’s SO, which is crazy, because if everyone knows each other, and they are friends there should be no big deal at all. I think you are right it’s all about the content of what was said here.
This is true! And I definitely don’t think the LW should assume that her BF is cheating on her. I guess it’s just that she has a gut feeling, and people -especially women- can negate their own instincts. I know I’ve done this a lot in the past to my detriment.
I guess it all depends on her relationship, and if this is the only thing that has ever made her suspicious or wary, then I honestly wouldn’t worry.
I think of it sort of like if this girl was going up to this guy every time his friends were out and asking him out or sitting on his lap or whatever inappropriate-but-not-actually-cheating action you care to put in, in front of all of his friends and his girlfriend. Even if he didn’t reciprocate – looked less-than-pleased to see her on his lap, said no everytime she asked him out, whatever – eventually I think it would be within the bounds of reasonable behavior for his girlfriend to expect him to actually articulate something along the lines of “Please stop doing that. This lovely lady right here is my girlfriend and you’re being disrespectful to her.”
Assholes are assholes, and it’s totally appropriate to ask them to stop being assholes. Just because the assholery is happening on Facebook doesn’t mean it didn’t really happen.
I just don’t know how assholery this behavior is to warrant a talking to. If it is, then he shouldve told her to back off already imo.
Yeah, I’m not saying it necessarily is, just that facebook being the medium doesn’t necessarily mean it’s not. And she absolutely should talk to her boyfriend. This other girl’s behavior may be totally on the up-and-up, but I can’t think of a single time when someone else’s dismissal of my very genuine feelings resulted in those feelings going away. “Don’t worry about it” isn’t like Mr. Clean for worry – all it means is that the party you’ve voiced it to is not the party to go to if you want your concerns heard.
Even if the worry is well-founded, this girl is completely out of line, and the LW’s boyfriend is getting a kick out of this girl’s attention, the LW still shouldn’t be the one to confront this girl. But even if the worry is insecurity manifesting as jealousy, the LW should still talk to her boyfriend, I think. Voicing how you feel isn’t an accusation, nor is it anyone’s responsibility to “fix.” But voicing them to the person they’re directed at can often help both parties understand themselves and each other better.
Oh no, it definitely wasn’t facebook’s fault. I know that! It was just a symptom of him being a lousy boyfriend, and I know he would have lied and cheated without it. It just helped him along, I guess.
I mean, we don’t have a lot of information about this girl and what sort of relationship they have, is all. Or what they’re writing, etc. etc. etc. I just wanted to tell her that she’s not crazy for feeling a certain way over a website, and that just because it’s a website, doesn’t mean that it means “nothing.”
Websites don’t change who a person is, but they can show what sort of character they have.
Very true. Good points.
There are a couple girls, or at least one, that do/did this to my bf, though they do not live near him or see him at all really. I’m secure in that I’m the only one for him so I just blocked them on FB so I never have to see their names pop up as likes or comments to his stuff. Easy.
My husband has a female fbf whom he went to hs with but never dated, who constantly pokes him, posts stuff on his wall, etc. (E.g. “Your sister and I decided that you’re the most interesting man in the world!” SRSLY.) She obv had/has a crush on him, but so what? Imo it’s just kind of pathetic and sad that she has nothing better to do with her time than flirt with someone else’s husband on fb. My point to the LW is, this is more about your attitude toward it than it is about someone else’s behaviour. You can choose not to care about someone’s else’s foolishness. And if you find their little one on one convos on his wall annoying, start commenting on them yourself. Like her posts on his wall, etc. etc.
How can you see that she is poking him?
I don’t know if you can see it; I know because he’ll say ‘why does Jane keep poking me? poking is so 2007.’
I will say, there’s no way poking is not supposed to be sexual. I mean, how many hookups were instigated (or attempted) due to a facebook poke back in 2006-2007?
See, I think when an outsider looks at that comment (like me for example), its not nearly as offensive as you seem to think it is. So some girl is friend’s with your husband’s sister, he got brought up in convo, she saw his status on her news feed and thought she’s share a compliment that was discussed in a convo with his sister.
To me, its totally not obvious she has a crush on him. What is ovious is that you are sensitive when it comes to this girl.
I hope this didn’t offend you and maybe there is a lot more to this, but it just sounds like she is being friendly.
I do like your susggestion of liking her posts tho. It could help.
obv I’m doing a bad job telling the story b/c i was making the exact opposite point that you think I was. it’s not offensive; it’s lame and a little pathetic but completely harmless. it’s clear to both of us that she’s got a crush on him, but I guess I’m not doing a good job illustrating that. anyway what I was trying to get across is – the problem isn’t the fb posts, it’s the LW’s attitude toward them. she can choose to find them annoying, amusing, or she can choose to be indifferent to them.
Totally late to this party…
I have a very similar situation. It’s a LDR. Boyfriend is friends with girl. Girl likes my boyfriend. She told him this outright and that she wants to date him, fully knowing that I am with him and it is very serious. (Thus, I don’t like her.) I’ve never met her. Boyfriend never really hangs out with her, save for maybe once every 2 months or so. Girl comments on his statuses and writes on his wall how much she misses him. Now that he’s abroad for a few months I’m noticing it happens more. I try to be understanding about it, but it still bothers me.
Bottom line, I am very secure with myself and with my relationship with my boyfriend. I trust him completely. I know that he is with me for a reason and that our relationship isn’t in jeopardy. I just really really REALLY don’t like or trust her. I disagree with those of you that are saying that distance sometimes causes you to be “insecure” or that things that happen on Facebook don’t matter. If a girl walked up to my boyfriend and started flirting with him and telling him that she’s missed him when I was there I would probably walk right up to her and start a cat fight. Facebook isn’t reality, but it IS interaction between people. For example, would you say cyberbullying isn’t a form of bullying because it happens on Facebook and therefore isn’t “real”? No. It’s just a different form of interaction utilizing technology. There’s a big difference between innocent friendly posts and flirty posts.
LW, my suggestion is to just talk to him. He might not see it as a big deal, but just let him know that you’ve been noticing it and it’s been bothering you. Can you force him to change something or to block her? Absolutely not. But you can voice your opinions just so he knows how you’re feeling. Maybe once he realizes that you don’t like this situation he’ll talk to her about it. My boyfriend thought I overreacted when I told him about how I felt about the girl I mentioned above. We never really compromised on the issue, but I told him that I would be fine with him maintaining a friendship with her as long as I never had to meet her and that he was open and honest about when he was hanging out with her which is only once ever month or two. Once he graduates from college this May, I doubt he’ll maintain a friendship with her after college. Honestly, if his friendship with her meant that much to him he would have introduced me to her when I met all his other college friends a couple years ago.
The difference, though, between your situation and the LW is that in your case, the girl came out and told your boyfriend she liked him. You 100% KNOW how she feels about him, and thus everything she says and does on his facebook wall are constant reminders of this. In the LW’s case, this is not what has happened and she is making a lot of assumptions about their interactions. The girl may like her boyfriend and want to date him, OR she could just simply like him as a person and want to get to know him better as a friend. There is something wrong with the former, especially if the girl knows he’s got a girlfriend, but the latter is completely harmless. Plenty of men get along well, if not better, with women (my brother and husband are a couple of those people), and plenty of women get along very well with men (myself, for example) without there being ANY intention outside of friendship with them. I just think she’s jumping to a lot of conclusions without more information. You have no reason to trust that girl’s intentions when it comes to your boyfriend because you KNOW how she feels. The LW has no reason to NOT trust this girl’s intentions because she is ASSUMING a lot about the situation. There’s a big difference between the two.
You bring up some very good points, evans. I would definitely be curious to hear more specific examples from the LW about what exactly the posts and comments say. I still think some comments were a bit harsh towards the LW, especially those calling her “immature” and that it’s “just Facebook”. In a LDR, especially when Facebook is a primary form of contact, it can be incredibly disheartening to see another girl all over your guy’s Facebook wall. You might question his intentions and wonder what REALLY happens when you’re not there. At the beginning of my relationship with my guy, I definitely overanalyzed some of the things girls were posting on his wall. I do think there is a good chance the LW might be overanalyzing and making assumptions, but at the same time, we as readers shouldn’t jump to conclusions either simply because we don’t know all the details in this situation.
Hello, I was the one who submitted this. I do have to say that all your perspectives were helpful to me. As far as examples go… the woman would put links of video clips from romantic/cute moments in movies/television on his wall or references to movies they watched together in their group; and when my boyfriend took pictures of himself or with his friends, she would comment, ” how handsome” or “what cuties; all of them!!!”
I asked my boyfriend if this woman “likes” a lot of things; he showed me her page, and the feed shows a lot of comments and “likes”. He also told me that there was one time that she was drunk, and she touched the inside of his leg and flirted with him; he did not flirt back and got off the couch they were on. He said he is not attracted to her because she has a crush on multiple guys, including those in relationships. So I feel better now. I don’t know why it took 3-4 times of asking what’s going on between them before telling me about the flirting, but I think my boyfriend wanted to bring closure to the situation by showing me her page while I was physically with him to discuss. I would not add this woman as a friend because I have not met or talked to her; I only add people who I talk to regularly.
Again, thank you for your comments. I’m sorry if I didn’t give the most detailed response, but there were so many I’d have to reply to. But I read them all and I do appreciate what was said. I was somewhat general in this question as I figured this situation may apply to a lot of women and men nowadays.
Well, not “again”…only said thank you once 😛
Oh my gosh yes…Facebook can make things so complicated. It shouldn’t, but it does sometimes. Glad that things have been worked out — I would have definitely been suspicious too if I were in your situation and another girl was posting cutesy clips of movies and crap on my guy’s wall. Ugh.
The LW is CLEARLY not mature enough for a relationship. Nope. Sorry, that’s just the way it is… For that matter, she is clearly not mature enough to handle Facebook either. Go grow up a little. No, seriously. I mean it.
But the LW was correct in feeling that this woman was interested in her boyfriend. It was up to the boyfriend to make it clear that this was one-sided and he had no interest. When he is replying and liking all the time he looks just as flirty as the girl. If he ignored the flirty remarks and didn’t like the thing she posted she would sooner or later move on. I think that we women know how we behave when we like someone. We often let the someone know by showing them lots of attention. The LW could see that happening and spoke to her boyfriend about it which is the thing to do. Pretending that a flirt isn’t trying to put herself into your relationship doesn’t make the flirt go away. Learning to communicate effectively is a positive step in any relationship.
I don’t think the LW is right at all. I have tons of people liking stuff on my FB page all the time and trust me, very few are “interested” in me…