Your Turn: “Should I Confess My Facebook Flirting?”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
My boyfriend and I are in out late twenties and have been together for almost three years and it hasn’t always been smooth. About a year into our relationship my boyfriend and I were going though the toughest patch ever and a part of me thought it was over. During that time I reconnected with an old coworker over Facebook. I struck up a little internet flirting while my boyfriend and I were taking space to think things through. I never met with my old co-worker in person and nothing physical has ever happened, past or present. Since I stayed in my relationship, I no longer talk to the former co-worker although I haven’t un-friended him.
I have had a bit of guilt over the last couple years, and now that my boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together, I feel like I owe him the truth. I know nothing good will come from it, as my boyfriend has trust issues and telling him what I did might cause me to lose him. At the same time I feel like a horrible person. Please help. — Words Can Damage Too
Don’t tell him. You never even met up this other person and you haven’t even talked to him in like what, 2 years? It will just cause unnecessary drama.
Don’t create unnecessary jealousy. Flirting with someone a few years back is a total non-issue, but it still wouldn’t be fun for your boyfriend to hear. Spare him.
You said it yourself, nothing good would come of it. Don’t tell him.
So you want to make your boyfriend miserable so you will feel better?
How sweet.
The only reason it sounds like you feel the need to tell your boyfriend is to alleviate your guilt at the situation. There’s really nothing to be guilty about. Sounds like you were on a break (waddup “Friends”!) and you cyberflirted for a hot second. Unless there’s something more that came out of it that you’re not telling us, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about and nothing of note to tell your boyfriend. If it makes you feel better though, unfriend the coworker to avoid a reminder every time you log on to Facebook.
Yea… I think unfriending would be a good idea, since she is still fixating on a past flirtation.
I know not everyone will agree, but I think confessing would be an inherently selfish act. The only person it will make feel better is YOU, LW. Other than that, there are no benefits to telling your boyfriend. You don’t “owe” him anything– Facebook chatting up an old co-worker (while you & your boyfriend were “taking space to think things through”) is not cheating. Especially if it was just a mild flirtation.
If something physical had happened, my advice might be different, but since this is all behind you now, I recommend alleviating your guilt through other means (besides confessing). Try to stop thinking “Omg, I’m such a horrible person” because you aren’t. You’re not seeing anybody behind your boyfriend’s back, you aren’t continually speaking with this old co-worker, & when you HAD been, it was during a rough patch. No one is infallible.
“I know nothing good will come from it, as my boyfriend has trust issues and telling him what I did might cause me to lose him.” Do you want to lose him? I’m sticking this question in because it’s possible that your urge to confess is based on feeling like the relationship is already over. Maybe you don’t want to be with your boyfriend anymore– in which case, just end it.
No, I agree 100%! It would make her feel better but him feel crappy, so it’s somewhat selfish.
These were my exact thoughts as well.
LW- Having been the selfish asshat who didn’t realize I was only alleviating my own guilt by confessing -and I actually cheated, you sent a few emails while you were on a break- I can tell you it felt totally shitty when 1. I saw how horribly it hurt him and 2. I realized I hadn’t done it for him, but because I felt horrible and deep down was too chicken shit to end it, or even admit to myself that I wanted to end it. And guess what? I felt still felt horrible after I told him. I felt worse actually. And then he stayed with me and tried to forgive me, which never happened, and our relationship just worsened from there. Obviously our situations are different, but it seems to me that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. There is nothing to tell. Let it go. Forgive yourself for a lapse in judgment, and be grateful that THAT’s the biggest thing that makes you feel guilty. And then do some serious thinking about whether or not you even want to be in this relationship.
yup, exactly. This is the same thing as confessing your undying love for your friend who’s happily in a relationship and had no idea you felt that way. Only makes another person feel worse and does nothing beneficial.
I completely agree. Confessing something like this is only for the confessor, and will only make the other person insecure.
If you’re truly sorry for it, accept that and move on, and don’t do it again.
I agree. I have never felt that confessing indiscretions is always, unconditionally, the right course. It can be, and honesty is important. Way too many ppl, however, confuse doing the right thing for their partner and the relationship w doing something to alleviate their own guilt by transferring the negative emotions to their partner, burdening them with insecurity and pain. If you cheated, flirted, crushed, etc, bc you have an underlying problem in yr relationship, think about and deal w that *first*. If you made a one-time mistake that did not put yr partner at risk, consider this: you cheated? You want to not have to feel bad about it? Wanna get the weight off yr shoulders? Tough shit. You can’t have yr cake and eat it too. The guilt is yr own cross to bear; don’t give pain to yr partner to lessen the load on you. The lw ha nothing to feel guilty about…and she should keep it to herself.
So you never met this guy in person and you haven’t interacted with him in two years? What would you tell your BF? “Hey BF two years ago I had some harmless online conversations with a former male co-worker but haven’t talked to him since and never had any real life interactions with him. I know it means nothing but I thought you should know in case you wanted to break up with me.” ???
Keep it to yourself and get over it. It wasn’t anything and doesn’t mean anything.
thats exactly what i thought!!
why is this even an issue? is the LW looking for a reason to end things? i dont get it.
Right? This letter gave me a headache.
That’s what I wonder too, maybe deep down the LW just wants the boyfriend to dump her so she can exit the relationship.
LW, you don’t need a good reason to break up. If you want to break up you can just end it and you don’t have to feel like the bad guy about it. It’s kinder to both of you.
I agree. She’s getting ready to make a big commitment by moving in and she’s subconsciously looking for a way out or using this as some kind of test of their relationship.
Wow I would not be feeling guilty about this. Are you sure you’re not trying to make your boyfriend jealous? Do you want him to find out, so that he’ll be upset, and then he’ll pay you more attention?
Don’t tell him for all the reasons everyone has already said. I want to ask you though: Would you tell him if you lightly flirted with the bartender one night? Probably not. It’s innocent. People flirt all the time. This happened at a year in, and now you’re at a totally different place in your relationship.
Don’t tell him, he doesn’t need to know for the betterment of your relationship; just to relieve your unfounded guilt is not a reason to lay everything from your past out on the table. It’s been years, get over it.
No. (Now I’m going to actually read your letter and see if my advice is the same.)
Ok, I’m done. No. And also, I’m so over Facebook. I’m sick and tired of seeing how happy people seem. What with cool jobs and vacations and new babies and bla bla bla. I deactivate but that never seems to last more than a few hours. I’m going to try not to read my newsfeed. It’s seriously depressing me.
People only ever put the good stuff on facebook. Like the fact that I passed the bar was on facebook. The fact that I didn’t get the attorney position at the place I’m already working is not. Boo. Stupid asshole with 2 years experience.
I must have the most depressing friends then, because I have a bunch of complainers on there all the time! There’s this one guy who is always lamenting how awful his life is. I mean, it’s not great 🙁 His mom died about a year ago and is now posting about the fact that he has to sell her stuff to cover bills, which is akward for the rest of us to say the least. I mean, what does one even reply to that, if at all? Which is another count against Facebook! Although I highly doubt I’ll ever get rid of it…I’ve been on it since 2004 and it’s sucked me in like a cheap whore! (yes, I went there.)
Ugh that guy is being inappropriate. As much as I hate facebook for making me feel like my life sucks compared to everyone elses’ – I hate it even more because of the people that put awkward shit on there like your guy. The pity party is almost worse than the bragging. I deactivated mine for the two months I was studying for the bar and it was honestly awesome. I recommend everyone take little breaks like that every once in a while – it’s good for the soul.
Oh god, that reminds me of this girl I knew vaguely in high school– her father had a stroke & was basically only alive due to the machines sustaining his vitals(which was obviously tragic & sad) but she would put up multiple statuses a day about it. Like, awkwardly detailed statuses about his condition & the grief she was feeling. I felt so squeamish that she was broadcasting such a private thing to people like me who barely knew her. (I un-friended eventually)
I can relate. I’ve got one friend whose status updates are cringe-worthy. She’s just SO NEGATIVE all the time. Her status right now is “Not ok.” May 11: “Alone. Again. Why am I not surprised?” May 10: “I miss my life. Everything sucks.”
And on and on. She’s my oldest friend, and is going through a rough time, but she’s like that even when everything is fine. If you try to be positive and support her, she’ll just bring out a list of all the negative things in her life and look at you as if you can’t possibly know her pain. Mutual friends have brought up the FB negativity, and I’m embarrassed for her. She’d probably tear my head off if I mentioned it to her. I have no idea how to approach it. Oy.
Do we have the same friend?
I have one like that. No matter what anyone says, she turns it into a pity party for herself. Either she’s jealous of what others have going for them or your pain can’t possibly be as awful as the mess her life is in (self inflicted mess, I might add). Our group of friends has, however, has told her straight up to pull her head out and do something beside bitch about it. Multiple times. I think she takes some kind of sick comfort in having people tell her off though so we’ve pretty well stopped. It wasn’t helping her come to any great realizations about herself anyway. It’s sad.
Screw that bastard! Iwanna, let’s go open our own firm. We can specialize in free advice.
Can I come too? Just passed the bar and can’t even get an interview. It apparently doesn’t matter that I graduated with honors, was an editor on Law Review, clerked for an Appeals Court judge and had a paper I authored published. As much as I enjoy digging thru my couch and car for change to buy food, it would be nice to have some income. Sorry, I rode the bitter train today. Tomorrow will be better because I get to beg my grandparents for money.
I hear the US market for young lawyers is awful. It’s a little better in Canada – most of my peers already have jobs lined up for after we pass the bar in 2013 (I don’t graduate until then).
Do you guys have the same process as in Canada? In second year law all the students apply to law firms in a process called “OCI” and then the law firms reply back as to whether they will interview you or not. And then you do preliminary interviews. And then you get asked back or not. And then you do final interviews and you get a job offer in November (it’s all coordinated by the law society) and the job offer is for the following May and in June (so in a couple weeks) they officially offer you a job for after you graduate (it’s much easier/cheaper to just hire internally since it costs alot of time and money to recruit new candidates) Therefore the firms hire for after second year summer the same number of students they want to take for articling (a yearlong apprenticeship period all Canadian lawyers have to go through) and then you become a first year associate the September after that.
So for me I started working this summer 2012 as a second year summer student, next august 2013 I start articling (bar is in june) and then September 2014 I become an associate.
It’s much more regulated here by the law society’s which I think is better
that being said we only have like 8 law schools and you guys have hundreds so it’s probably less competitve
oh and law schools seem to be capped at 200 students (law society regulations) except for one school I think which gets to have 300 – so even if the school expands and gets bigger it may still not get to allow more students if more job spots don’t open up
That’s how it works here too. I got a big firm summer associate gig that way after my 1L year and 2L year, with an offer then to start the next September, and with bar fees paid and bar-review courses paid, etc. By the time I had my offer after my summer and the time I started, I had 3 raises. Because that was in the glory days. … The year I graduated, like, everyone had job offers, or two. Unfortunately for the new kids graduating now, the tables have turned. So now I don’t know how law grads find jobs.
I remember reading about the huge surplus of lawyers the USA has right now. The numbers were frightening. I don’t know how they do it either!
When I started law school most of the firms in the area had suspended their summer associate programs. Also, people who had job offers had them revoked or shelved. Many of my peers found jobs as law clerks in firms making $10/hr. Now that they’ve graduated they can either continue to clerk or look for another job. I have friends who graduated a year ago who are just now starting to find jobs. They have either been continuing to clerk or working court appointments in the meantime. I may have an opportunity to attend creditors meetings a couple times a week for an attorney that lives a couple hours away. He’ll pay me $50 a pop to stand in for him with his clients. But it would be maybe 1-2 meetings a week at the most. I wish I would’ve have gone through my 4 yrs of undergrad and then straight to lawschool from highschool because the job market was money then.
The only success story I have is a friend who worked as a paralegal at the largest firm in the city all thru law school. Her boss managed to convince the partners to give her a staff attorney position making $40,000/yr. Unfortunately, this is not a partner-track position. Also, the firm’s normal first year salary for associates is $90,000. The job market is a nightmare!
I don’t only put positive stuff on. My current FB status is related to the crazy chick who is playing the trumpet in the parking lot out side of my window. Definitely not positive.
Ask her to play the Rocky theme and you’ll probably instantly feel better 😛
I seriously only use FB for messaging, photos (esp. for my family that´s far away) and for sharing stupid jokes that make me laugh.
And for the record: i like your posts of your kids. 🙂
If it makes you feel better I get so jealous of people who do good, healthy things like visit every bikram studio in the Midwest. So please take solace in the fact that while all your friends have cute babies, I feel inadequate in that I don’t exercise, let alone in multiple cities like you do.
busted! i do do that, don’t i. (“do do” hee hee). there’s something that compels me to check into bikram studios. maybe so people feel jealous that i seem so healthy? to combat the jealousy i feel when i see their cute babes and awesome vacations and “hubbies” and work that they love? i guess so. to be fair, i should’ve checked into Godfather’s Pizza and Taco Bell and all the other shitty places I’ve been eating lately.
Nope, that would be like the cute baby people posting about when their adorable child tried to write their name in diarrhea on the wall during naptime (speaking of do do).
My favorites (not!) are these: “7 mile run with the girls, 2 loads of laundry, kitchen cleaned, kids off to school, hubby off to work… all before 8 am – it’s a good day!” no it’s not – i do not like you.
Ugh, one of my best friends from NZ always does those ones. I feel so inadequate compared to her.
that sounds like an awful day – all that crap before 8 am! What happened to sleeping before 8am?
I love your rants so much more than my facebook feed. Just sayin’.
I love you, atlilmbo!
I hate Facebook too. Its either a bunch of people bragging how awesome they are, or a bunch of people crying about how miserable they are. News flash: people don’t care as much as you think they do!
If he would seriously dump you for this, your relationship isn’t stable. Having hurt feelings is one thing, but up and dumping your girlfriend for some online flirtation that occurred years ago is just dumb. You shouldn’t move in with someone who would ditch you over such a minor infraction. You didn’t do anything wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about. (I have to wonder if your BF is a guy who is continually policing your interactions with other guys for you to still feel guilty about this.)
THIS X1000
I was thinking this too! Like, WHY would he even care at this point? I mean, it might sting a little, but enough to break up with her? Really? She kinda made him sound like a dick.
Not only that, this happened while they had broken up. Last I checked, you’re free to flirt, kiss, date, have sex with anyone you please while you’re single. If this guy has a problem with past indiscretions – and LW, yours was nothing – then their are bigger red flags.
I still don’t think she should tell him. He will probably just dwell on it. It will be brought up in fights etc… There’s no point if it has no impact on their relationship now for her.
Nope. It will only make him sad. Don’t make him sad.
If you were still doing it or doing it very recently, my advice might be slightly more in depth (but still probably be “no”). But it happened a while ago, while you guys were seemingly “on a break”. Best move ever? No… but nothing you need confess.
Let it go and don’t do it again.
Don’t tell him.
And if there was something physical going on during a legitimate break, I still don’t think the other person needs to know.
um, NO. What a ridiculous thing to worry about.
So i’m wondering here if you’re having second thoughts about moving in and you’re trying to come up with something to push the two of you apart. Because, the answer here is super obvious, and I don’t completely buy that you’ve been feeling guilty for two years. I mean, maybe I would for a few weeks/months after the incident, but now you’ve put it behind you, you’ve stopped talking to the guy, you never met up with him in person anyway, you were “on a break”….just saying.
I think if you love your boyfriend and you want to be with him, you keep this to yourself. What everyone else said about alleviating your guilt and making him feel like crap is true. And un-friend the dude on fb.
NEVER! people flirt all the time its taking it to the next level that is wrong. it would just put a nail in your relationship and make things uneasy. if things are *truly* going well then just forgive yourself for straying via internet and get back in the game.
Telling him would be pretty selfish, as it sounds like it would only be a way to make yourself feel better while making him worse AND possibly costing both of you the relationship. Obviously, flirting while you have a boyfriend isn’t the greatest thing, but assuming you don’t plan to do it again, then chalk it up to bad judgment and move on.
But she didn’t have a boyfriend at the time of the flirting. They broke up, she flirted, they got back together. How are people not reading that?
She has absolutely nothing to feel guilty unless 1. There is more to the story. 2. Her boyfriend is super controlling. Or 2. She wants out and this is her out.
see this is the problem with the term “on a break” Does it mean they “broke up” in the sense that they can see other people or does it mean they just aren’t hanging out anymore but each party expects fidelity from the other while they figure things out?
I can’t stand the term break and personally think it causes more confusion and problems down the road
This burden is yours to carry alone. Was it inhuman of you to flirt elsewhere while your relationship was temporarily on the rocks? No. Was it standup and awesome? No. Learn from it what you can and you’ll be better prepared next time things get shaky to not look for outside distraction or props instead of dealing with the issues at hand. Take your medicine on this one and don’t selfishly ruin your BF’s peace of mind.
I wouldn’t tell him. As others have said, it would just be a way to make yourself feel better at the cost of your fiance’s feelings. Just stop dwelling on it. Let the past stay in the past. Yes emotional cheating is bad, but its not as bad as real cheating. In this case no harm was done so it’s time to forgive yourself and let it go.
I would argue that (for me) emotional cheating would be worse than physical cheating. But I guess I define emotional cheating as confiding in someone else emotionally… not flirting. Plus they were on a break. I don’t understand this LW.
I agree that emotional cheating is worse than physical. But I don’t think this situation is emotional cheating, like you said.
I’m not sure I think it’s emotional cheating either but I made my comment on the belief that the LW believes she emotionally cheated.
Bah! Emotional cheating is a bullshit term made up by vapid talkshow hosts to make everybody needlessly feel like shit in a bold effort to sell more books…
Why is that some people do EVERYTHING they can to make themselves miserable? Seriously, talk about mountain out of a molehill… God, I wish my life was so solved that I could waste hours upon hours worrying over such silly, utterly imaginary problems… Sadly, most of us have REAL troubles.
My main point here is that the LW has NOTHING to feel guilty about.
The only reason I can see to tell him is if you (unconsciously?) want to give him a reason to break up with you. Now, any guy who would break up with you over a trivial non-problem like this is IMO not someone you should move in with/marry/whatever. But if you want to end it, just end it. Don’t create drama over years old non-events.
I agree, don’t tell him. In what scenario does confessing have a positive outcome? Learn from the experience and use it to not make the same mistakes in the future. Talking flirtatiously to a man who is not your boyfriend makes you feel guilty. Therefore don’t do it again. Forgive yourself and move on.
It’s not very often we get a letter where everyone agrees, such harmony! 🙂
Wow, I didn’t know Facebook flirting was even an issue… if it’s harmless and nothing happened, I’m not sure why it matters. Humans are naturally flirtatious creatures…it’s the actions, not the flirting, that creates problems.
Oh, right, before I get into a rant… no, don’t tell him. He doesn’t need to know every person you’ve ever talked to ever in your life ever.
Or are you looking for him to break-up with you?
Also, if he has issues trusting you, you probably shouldn’t be taking that next step in your relationship (living together).
I love flirting. I flirt with at least one person a day.
My boyfriend of 5 1/2 years also loves flirting, and we have even had a conversation about how awesome flirting with other people is.
I’m clueless as to why flirting with some guy while you’re on a break is bad. So, I guess, if he’s *that* insecure, don’t tell him. Unless you secretly want out of the relationship, then go ahead and tell him.
What everyone else said.
Your boyfriend has ‘trust issues’.
What does that mean?
Does he have a problem trusting you?
Have you given him reason not to trust you in the past?
I agree with everyone else who says that flirting is harmless and there’s nothing to ‘confess’ when it comes to harmless flirting….but maybe there’s something else going on here?
I don’t know what the terms of your break were, but unless you were involved in a heavy relationship with another person or some physical affair that might affect your BF in some way, it seems unnecessarily hurtful to tell him. Are you worried about something he may have done during the break and you hope this will bring that to light? I think that if you’re satisfied in your current relationship with him, you should toss this in the trash and begin with a clean slate.
I agree with the general consensus that I don’t see why you’d need to confess something that’s pretty harmless. I’d ask you to think about whether you are really happy in this relationship or are ready (or even want to) move in together. I’m wondering whether you’re intentionally looking to shake things up because you don’t want to take this next step.
You mention that it hasn’t been a smooth relationship and how he has trust issues, but you never say anything about how happy you guys are or how wonderful he is. Not that you have to, but it strikes me as a little telling considering you realize no good can come of it. Maybe you feel like a horrible person not because you did some innocuous FB flirting way back when, but because you’re not entirely thrilled in this relationship and don’t know how to tell you’re BF. Just think about it and don’t rush into anything.
Disagree with practically everyone. Not towards this LW because I don’t think she actually did anything to feel guilty about.
But keeping a secret that eats you up inside as if it’s your cross to bear is horrible for everyone involved. And if you’re miserable, you can’t truily hid it — The other person knows something’s up. they ALWAYS know something’s up. they just don’t know what it is; they just know something is uncomfortable — you are just making them miserable with your misery, which isn’t fair to them or you. And even if you have the acting prowess of jodie foster (nell and maverick? that’s versatility), you still humiliating them with your secret, because they feel like an idiot when they find out. Which they will.
And then you get the rigamorole of “if they lied about A, who knows what else they lied about?” And you get “why did not feel you couldn’t trust me to tell me?” and all that. Which is almost always just a facade for being mad about the real thing, but its safer to be mad about the breach of trust in the delay.
Own your actions. Don’t want to hurt people? Don’t do things that hurt them. If you do, own it. If you really would do far more damage by telling, then you don’t have to feel guilty anymore about not telling them, so don’t. In that case, there’s no misery being carted around. If not, tell. Own your valuation. But dont’ be a martyr. THAT’s selfish.
What the hell are ‘trust issues”?
Let this online confession relieve you of your guilt, and do not speak of this again. Go forward now, and sin no more.