Your Turn: “Should I Leave My Controlling Boyfriend?”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
Since moving in with my boyfriend, I had to quit my job because he wanted to support us. But I don’t really get any money at all — not enough for me — and when I try to look for a job he starts to complaining and saying things like, “Who’s going to cook for me?” I cook and clean the room we live in and do some chores around the house because his mom wants me to. Then I have two walk his dogs for him, and wash all our clothes! When I go to visit my family, which is every two weeks, I only have like five or six hours with them, and if I come home late my boyfriend gets angry. My mom is about to have another baby soon and I want to be with the baby when she gives birth. I’m going to want to be with my new sibling everyday and I know that’s not going to be possible. I miss my little brother and my two sisters so much, too.
What I also want mention is that I’m not “allowed to be myself” so to speak. I can’t put on as much of perfume as I want to because my boyfriend complains; I can’t speak Spanish with a Puerto Rican accent and not have him complain and tell me to shut up. I can’t have my family over often because he calls them animals and “project people.” I can’t watch the kind of T.V. I want to watch or take naps when I want to for as long as I want to. It’s not like I don’t let him do anything; trust me, I let him do everything except drink too much and do drugs, but the same doesn’t go for me. When I had a job I couldn’t work overtime because I was “leaving him alone for too long.” Also, he hates my dad and wants to hurt him, and I can’t let him in the house, so I have to stay outside with him when he comes over (my dad lives three hours away, so he sees me every other month).
Recently, I’ve been telling my boyfriend that I’m depressed and close to moving back home, so he’s been doing some nice things here and there and told me last night that he loves me. I’m not sexually attracted to him but still love him. The real question is: should I stay here and try to work things out even though I tried for a year already or should I move back with my family where I can be myself? — Missing my Family
Are you serious? You typed all this out and you’re still wondering if you should stay? I am actually not being sarcastic – I am scratching my head as to why you would want to stay with this man. Are you afraid of what he will do if you leave? If so, enlist the help of family and friends, and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).
He will only get worse, I’m afraid. You deserve better.
Yeah my initial thought is I know next to nothing about the LW but unless she has a predilection for torturing small animals or abusing the elderly, I know she deserves a hell of a lot better than this guy.
It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty controlling, so if it no longer makes you happy to stay with him, then it is your choice to move out. But the “grown-up life” is hard, deal with it. Whether you live with your mom or your boyfriend, you will probably have to deal with things you don’t like: chores, not always getting to watch the TV shows you want, working, not having enough money, compromising with others.
The “grown-up life” can be difficult, but part of being mature is also recognizing a bad situation and having the strength to leave it.
Having to compromise, do chores, etc. is one thing. Being controlled is another. The “grown-up” thing to do would be to leave before the situation becomes violent. The LW is not a slave nor a maid, yet she’s treated as both.
Also “grown-up” life doesn’t start by moving in with your boyfriend without telling your mother. Worse yet, moving in with his family. You guys aren’t grown-up by any stretch of the imagination when you’re in a room at his parents’ house.
And then the guy is an ass. You’re only 20 so maybe all this seems OK, but the demands he’s placing on you are not fair, reasonable or normal. Not even for your culture. You should be happy and you should be attracted to AND love the man you’re sleeping with. Life’s too short to waste it on self-centered macho control freaks.
MOA. That new baby your Mom is expecting will go a long way toward making you forget the current boyfriend.
I would also like to add that having a newborn sibling is an amazing experience, not only because of the baby but also the bonding that will occur within your family. You won’t be able to get this time back and if you miss out on this experience, you will regret it forever.
It’s tempting to want to give everything to a partner you love, but it takes 20/20 hindsight to see when we gave too much. Thus, my personal philosophy in relationships is to try avoid making compromises that I will regret later.
(One final though – do you not find it ironic that he calls your family “animals and project people” but he actually wants to hurt your dad so much you can’t actually bring him around? In using this language and threatening physical violence he actually seems pretty trailer trash himself)
You are being emotionally abused, and yes, you need help. You have the right to be with your family as much as you like, not to mention to have a job, go to school, or whatever else you want. Call those numbers that BigRedYouSay gave you. Call them right now. He does not love you, he is controlling you.
This is another letter that seems too “over the top” that I question if it’s authentic.
However, assuming it is for a minute – LW, there’s not one thing you’ve shared about your relationship that is healthy. Break up, move out and start living your life, not the life that is dictated by this guy. Be very careful, though, because this guy thinks you’re his “property”, so he’s unlikely to accept all of this without drama.
Unfortunately, a lot of over-the-top letters are real, because things truly are that bad for some people, but, yes, this seems to be a bit too much. I hope it’s not real, but if it is, I would hope the LW leaves to go home, and does so without discussing it with him first… just go home on the bi-weekly trip and never come back.
Be very careful, but you need to get out. No one should ever tell you how to live your life or take your happiness away from you. You deserve better. You are a wonderful loving person who just got caught up in a situation that went down an unexpected path. You should be with your family if that’s what makes you happy. You are a role model to your brothers and sisters, they love you and they want you home. Be strong for them and show them that even if you are in a hard situation, you can overcome it and survive. Call the help hotlines, turn the page and leave this man in a dusty book on the shelf. Please do this for yourself and your loved ones.
I can’t believe this is even a question.
My goodness, LW. Are you kidding me? YES – You need to move out ASAP and don’t look back. This guy does not love you; he loves that he can control & manipulate you easily without any push-back from you. The longer you stay, the harder it will be for you to leave. And the fact that he has said that he wants to hurt your dad should be indicative enough that his emotional abuse could turn phyiscal.
Reread your letter, you already know that answer. Drop his loser ass and find someone more deserving of you.
MOVE OUT TODAY! Pack your bags and walk to your mother’s house or another relative’s house. This guy is a controlling scumbag and you need to end this charade of a relationship. TODAY
Oh, honey. I’m sorry to break it to you, but this relationship really isn’t worth trying to work things out. You have not mentioned one positive thing about him – he is controlling you, saying terrible things about your loved ones, and you live with his parents. That’s not a mature relationship.
First of all, I would recommend dumping this guy (really, he’s nothing but trouble for you) and moving back home – you clearly miss your family, and besides, you’re only 20 years old. There is no shame in living with your parents at such an age. Then, when you are in a safe environment again, it would probably be a good idea to take a good look at yourself and this relationship, because it seems to me that he walked over you and either gave you very low self-confidence, or took advantage of a bad self-image that was already there. You deserve so much better.
If this man really loved you, he would help support you into growing into the person you want to be as well as recognize that your relationship with your family is important. As it stands now, you are merely the live-in maid with some sexual benefits thrown in the side. If you were under official employment as a live-in maid, you would be getting more money and be treated with more respect than the way he treated you as your girlfriend. The relationship you describe is a textbook case for domestic emotional abuse and I would encourage you to talk to your family and get assistance in MOAing.
I hope this isn’t for real, but if it is: we’re used to getting updates with more information that make the situation more understandable. LW: there is nothing you can say to make this situation more understandable. Get out and get out now. No ifs, ands, or buts. Wait til he’s at work, pack up your shit, and go home. Do not let him talk to you anymore. Leave a note saying everything you just said, don’t believe him when he tries to tell you he’ll change (and he will) and get the hell out of dodge.
it almost seems from letters here in general, if you have to ask “should I leave” “should I MOA” the answer is almost always yes.
LW, please Google “signs of an abusive relationship”. You will see that the way your bf acts fits the pattern perfectly. He made you quit your job so you are completely dependent on him. He won’t let you spend time with friends or family for fear they might tell you the truth about him. And anybody that doesn’t respect your family shouldn’t be in your life, at all. Like the other commenters, I agree that he might turn violent if you try to leave. Maybe you should think about living with your father for a while. Don’t think that it will be easy leaving him. He will probably be very nice in the beginning, hoping to get you back. Don’t fall for it.
Don’t think that you not letting him do drugs is the same as him not letting you have a job. Not doing drugs is good for him. Not having a job is bad for you. If anything, these ‘things you won’t let each other do’ should be of the same magnitude.
You write in your letter that you moved in with him behind your mother’s back. Whatever her reasons were against you moving in together(it can be either that she thought you were too young, or she didn’t like him), she was right. I’m not saying you should do what your mother tells you to, because you’re an adult and you need to exert your independence, but trust her more.
Best of luck, and, after being in an abusive relationship myself, I can tell you that life gets a whole lot better once he’s not around.
Great advice to look at signs of an abusive relationship, I totally agree!
LW, I would just add that you need to make sure you use private/incognito browsing or delete your history afterwards. Your boyfriend would likely become extremely angry if he happened to discover the search.
I really hope this isn’t real and therefore isn’t ACTUALLY happening to someone. But if it is:
Pretty much every other commenter has summed it up. Just go home and be with your family. If you’re afraid he might get violent then make sure you do it carefully, utilizing any domestic abuse support and strategy a hotline or a website can give you.
But leave. Because it won’t get better, it’ll only get worse. Leave before he pressures you into marriage or a baby, or sabotages your birth control – essentially tying you to him. Right now you are young, have no legally hard to break attachment to him. Go, and when you leave cut off all contact. Then it might be time to self-examine, figure out why you fell for this monster then work on breaking that pattern.
So you wanted to be more adult, and decided moving out of YOUR parent’s house and into your boyfriend’s parents house was the way to go about doing it? You quit your job because he wanted to support you, but doesn’t? I won’t even bother with all of the other stuff, because we really don’t need anymore information other than the title of this letter to give a resounding YES!
Your boyfriend is controlling you. Laundry and cooking isn’t the reason he doesn’t want you to get a job, he doesn’t want you to get a job because then you’d be independent and wouldn’t have to rely on him for money. He’s being beyond manipulative. He won’t even let you see your family, which is seriously fucked up. You really need to get out of there and get some help. Other people gave good sources on how you can go about doing that. Perhaps you should consider leaving his house in the same way you left your mom’s: don’t tell him you’re leaving.
And, while it might be terrifying, think of all the good that can come of it. You can see your new sibling as much as you want (and even help with it!) You can spend more than a few hours with your family and can actually invite your dad into your house. You can get a job and buy whatever the hell you want. Most importantly, you won’t be with some manipulative, abusive douchebag who you’re not even sexually attracted to. You should never stay with anyone out of obligation, and that applies even more when the person is like this kind of guy.
I kinda giggled at your first paragraph. That’s the only thing making me think this letter is real, because thats exactly how some 20 year olds would think. We’re grown ups now because we live together… in his bedroom…in his parents house… but we’re totally grown ups because I do some chores around the house when his mom asks me to.
My friend did the exact same thing when she was 20. Moved out of her parents’ house into his parents’ LAUNDRY ROOM. Because it was an adult thing to do.
We laugh about it now, they have their own place and a son and are really normal and happy. But that is so true.
That’s all I was thinking about!! I didn’t want to bash the LW too much but she’s obviously in a manipulative/abusive relationship, but her boyfriend is not supporting her. He doesn’t pay rent, probably doesn’t pay for food, and doesn’t even give her any money. And she wasn’t even ‘grown up’ enough to talk to her mother before moving out. Yeh, the conversation may have been uncomfortable but that’s what adults do: have uncomfortable conversations when its necessary and the right thing to do.
LW: if your boyfriend supported you, he would get you two an apartment, pay for food, bills, and give you spending money. There’s nothing wrong with being a homemaker if its what you two agree on, but clearly you want to work and your boyfriend wants you to be dependent on him. Move back home to your mom please!
I truly see nooo point in moving out of my parents house & into someone else’s. I know a lot of people that have done that & I don’t get it. Why would you want to live with someone else’s parents? If you’re gonna move out of your own house, it’s to be on your own, no parents included. If you can’t do that, then stay at home until you can.
It’s ridiculous, really.
Currently, my boyfriend is back at his mom’s (due to some really bad circumstances), he has his own entrance & pretty much his own “space” I guess, but it’s still his mom’s house. I wouldn’t even dream of moving in there. I sleep over when I want, but go back to MY home, when I want. There’s just no reason to do that, IMO.
Exactly. My cousin (same age as me) got married when she was 20 – and her and her husband moved into her Mom’s basement. I was shocked. One if you want to be an adult and then decide to get married, you need to be able to carry your own weight or as kerrycontrary said if the couple decides to have a homemaker then they should be able to afford their own apartment first.
Now my cousin has her own townhouse, and just had an adorable baby! But still.. all I can think of was that she got married only to move out of her own room into the basement, and wasn’t even able to legally drink champagne at her own wedding!
I understand living at your parents house because of financial or school reasons, or even if you decide to move back to help out your parents because of their financial or health reasons. But to bring along someone else into that world and expect everything to be awesomely peachy keen without someone(parents or the SO) feeling like they are getting the short stick is not “adult behavior”.
LW, you got in pretty deep, but I do commend you for realizing that there are all these signs of a controlling relationship before it turned physically abusive or he threw away your birth control pills or… any of a million other bad scenarios.
This will only escalate. You need to get out ASAP, you need to completely cut ties with him and his family. Don’t allow yourself to get sucked back in. Don’t allow him to come win you back. Leave him, permanently. Good luck!
I was getting angrier & angrier as this letter progressed. You are TWENTY years old! What is wrong with you?!?!?!?! You’re JUST beginning to live & you’re putting up with some bullshit from some control freak asshole!! You are going to HATE yourself in a few years, I guarrantee it!
First off, if ANYBODY dared to refer to my family as “animals” & “project people” they probably would not have been able to finish their sentence because I would have already grabbed the nearest object & would already be swinging at them. Then he can REALLY call me an animal with a reason!!
LW, PLEASE PLEASE get out of this! Tell your boyfriend he’s a no good, son of a bitch & you refuse to put up with his shit a SECOND LONGER. If you can’t tell him, then let him read this because I got something to say to him.
** HEY ASSHOLE! Get off your motherfucking high horse & go play in oncoming traffic! Who the fuck do you think you are? Maybe you have a really small member & that’s why you’re so controlling & insecure…You are a sad sad human being, please, go bang your head into the nearest wall. Sorry, LW had a momentary lapse in judgement, but she’s all better now & she doesn’t want to stand you for a second more. KTHAXBYE!**
OK, in all seriousness, you need to stop this cycle because you are going into domestic abuse victim territory. You deserve way more than this & you NEED to get out! Leave him & don’t look back. He doesn’t love you, a person that loves you would NOT treat you like that, please understand that. He is a control freak abusing of your vulnerable personality. Get your head together & go back to your family. It’s YOUR FAMILY for crying out loud, the most important people in this world.
Please LW, please listen to our comments. I really really hope you do.
By the end of the second paragraph, my blood was already boiling. Then, I hit the line about “animals and ‘project people'” and I damn near had an aneurism.
I am sickened when people resort to dehumanization of that sort in any context so to know that this guy is directing that type of degradation at the LW’s own family is nothing short of appalling.
Exactly! I would NEVER allow anyone to talk about my family in that way. That’s why I was so angry this girl was letting him get away with that! Not sure why I got so many thumbs down?
I think the thumbs down are because this guy reads like he has all sorts of potential to turn violent, so a final confrontation or declaration before leaving, while it would be so, so satisfying, actually has a lot of potential to backfire for the LW. Her first priority needs to be her safety. I think that’s what the thumbs down are for: it would be tempting and satisfying to tell him exactly where he can go and what he can do when he gets there, but it probably isn’t actually in her best interest, in terms of safely getting out of the situation.
Yeah, I see your point. I really just said that because he was pissing me off a lot, maybe that was misguided advice on my part. I was really thinking she would just leave quietly, as I’m sure she knows better than all of us, his potential.
When I was in a similar situation, I didn’t reach out to my friends or family or tell them the full extent of what was going on because I feared the reaction you had – “What is wrong with you?!?!?!?! You know better!!!!!” It’s true, I knew better, but there was so much more to it than that. It’s always easier for an outsider to see it for what it is. When someone in a situation like this reaches out for help, they need support, not judgment.
Also, a confrontation like the one you suggested would likely incite violence.
Everyone seems to be harping on that “confrontation” I suggested, but did you read my comment in it’s entirity or did you just get that small part??
I wrote my comment RIGHT after I read the letter, without reading anyone’s else’s comments, & my blood was seriously boiling.
I’m almost CERTAIN the LW can judge for herself whether her bf can be confronted or not. She maybe vulnerable & naive but she is not stupid.
PS. Had you told your family the “whole truth” I’m sure you wouldn’t have taken the support either. When someone is in that situation they don’t want anyone but the person that’s putting them through that hell. Any form of help/reaching out is repeatedly cast aside. At the moment in time, you felt you knew better than anyone else, so anything said/done for you was written off as a “they just don’t know the real him.”
Please.
I’m sorry, but asking “What is wrong with you” and telling the LW she is going to hate herself is probably not going to serve as the wake-up call you intended it to be. You say she is GOING to hate herself? She is probably already suffering from low self-esteem. She asked for advice, so criticizing her and making jokes about her boyfriend’s penis size isn’t very productive.
Also, she’s not “going into” domestic abuse victim territory – she is there. The LW didn’t mention any physical violence, but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening – AND – it doesn’t have to be happening in order for this to be considered an abuse situation. Emotional abuse is just as real and just as debilitating. Abusers are extremely manipulative and controlling. There must have been – and probably still are – SOME things about this boyfriend that attracted the LW to him in the first place and keep her around despite her growing feelings of discomfort with the situation. Abuse is a cycle, it’s never ALL bad ALL the time.
LW, I have been in an abusive relationship. I was able to work and maintain contact with my family, but I was isolated in other ways. I think that because you are so isolated, you might not be seeing this situation for what it really is…. although you are starting to, or else you wouldn’t have written the letter. Please take everyone’s advice and start taking the steps that are necessary for you to leave this man. I’m sure your family misses you as much as you miss them and they will be glad to have you back.
Excuse me, but I say that with the best intentions. I was in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years. I didn’t live with this guy, & we wasn’t scary like this guy, but he was really really mean & always made it a point to let me know I was never thought of in his life. So, yeah, if she stays with him, a few years down the road she will hate herself. Because I did. & guess what, I broke up with that guy 4 years ago & I’m STILL dealing with certain issues due to him. To this day, I think of things he did & said to me, & I still get angry that I didn’t do anything, that I let someone treat me like a piece of dirt for so long & did NOTHING to stand up for myself…That I wasted 3 crucial years of my life pining after an asshole that never gave three shits about me or the pain he was causing me. & really, should I blame him? I can’t, because he only went as far as I allowed him to. Had I stopped him immediately & put him in his place, things would’ve been different.
So YES I will say she is going to hate herself because she is if she doesn’t stop it now. I said it in the most concerned, caring way I possibly could, because it is a reality. The reason I said “going into” was because, according to her letter there hasn’t been any physical violence. I never underestimated the gravity of her situation.
I added that paragraph about her boyfriend as making light of her already depressing situation. MAYBE just MAYBE she could get a small laugh, HOWEVER I did add in a part about the seriousness of this situation. Did you catch that part??
Clearly my comment was interpreted in a completely different way than how I meant, but hey, you can’t catch the tone in writing, so if you want to nitpick, go ahead. I’ve been in a situation similar to the LW’s (not exactly the same) so I speak on my experience.
Wow, some people are incredible…
Just get out.. NOW!
Nobody should speak to you like that, tell you to shut up, speak about your family like this. This is unbelievable. Please get out.
Controlling boyfriend you want to escape from: I can’t really believe you are that stupid that you actually have to state your case beyond about 100 words. You deserve the bf if you just don’t walk away and go back to your family or a friend.
I can’t really believe you are that stupid to demean a girl who is obviously in a difficult situation and needs our help and support.
…” loved him and wanted to experience a more grown-up life. I was 18 and the time and was, like, “OK, let’s move in without telling my mom.” I just left when she wasn’t home which hit her really hard.”
-You wanted to be more grown up so you snuck out ? That doesn’t work. If you want to be more grown up, respect yourself and leave as soon as you can this is not going to get better.
I’m not going to berate you LW, because you are in far too deep. You need to get out NOW. Your boyfriend is slowly cutting you off from everything you care about, telling you what you can and cannot do, wear, feel and think, and he sounds like his violence is bubbling right beneath the surface.
First, you need to enlist the help of your family, friends and possibly the police. Call your mom and tell her you want to leave. Allow her to help you. Call an abuse/domestic violence/abused women’s hotline and talk to them about your options. If you are afraid he will try to hurt you after you’ve left (and it seems more than likely, given that he wants to ‘hurt’ your father) please call the police and inform them.
After you have cut ties with him and got back on your feet again as an individual, I believe you could benefit from some counseling or therapy. You were sucked very far in to an abusive relationship, and you need to arm yourselves with the tools it takes to NEVER let that happen to you again. Good luck, LW.
You said pretty much everything I wanted to say, only in a far more eloquent way.
Your boyfriend is an abusive bitch-hole. Get out now now now now. Go home where you will be appreciated. You still have plenty of time to “grow up,” which you aren’t even allowed to do in this environment. GO HOME.
Please get out of this before you get pregnant and he starts beating you (and your children). I can tell you the likelihood is VERY, VERY high. You do not owe this man/boy A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
Please find some support to help you leave because I am sure he will try to make it as hard as possible and you will find yourself second guessing the decision. This may be your family or a best friend or a support line in your area. Just please for yourself, get out.
OMG.
MOA, LEAVE, VAMOOSE, BUNK, SCOOT, RUN… JUST GO!!!
A few points here:
1) He can’t “take care of you” if he himself is living with his parents…
2) Your situation sounds like you are a hostage and / or their house maid.
3) You aren’t even sexually attracted to him which is a huge aspect of a normal and healthy relationship which adds more evidence to you being their maid…
4) He probably hates your Dad because your Dad wants you to get the fuck out of there…see all the other comments about abusive behavior.
5) Sneaking out of your parents to move to another persons parents is considered more of a lateral move.
6) Your family would be/are mortified if they knew/know about your situation
Suggestion:
Pack what is important that you can carry and walk the three miles home….seriously….today…
She’s probably not sexually attracted to him because that part of her brain (the deep-seated, animalistic part) is the only part that recognizes the frakked-upped-ness of the “relationship.” It shut itself down in self defense.
RIGGGGGGHT. Because women are never, ever sexually attracted to total assholes…
Not all of them, not forever, and obviously not this one.
It must be a drag to be a gay man in a black and white world.
The love eventually dies if you’re mistreated enough. It IS a biological function for a woman’s brain to eventually abhor that which ritually abuses her.
My hope is that the LW will be wise enough not let a past bad decision ruin the rest of her life. Change can be scary and constructive confrontation doesn’t seem to be in this LW’s repertoire of skills. So I can understand how it’s taken her so long to see the situation clearly and her need to ask permission to assert herself.
We are a fortunate culture in that we have resources like this blog and domestic violence hotlines, but not everyone in our country actually lives in the mainline culture and I wonder if that’s a factor here. If the LW lives in a strong sub-culture with lots of traditional beliefs tying it together, it might mean she has to give up quite a lot to end this relationship. Even so, I agree it’s time for her to go because the person in her life who is supposed to be selfless and supportive sounds like he’s selfish and isolating her.
LW, twenty is so young, and there is so much out there to see and do. Go find it and then you’ll understand why all the DW contributors are so adamant that you get out, NOW.
Also, can everyone please chill out with giving this LW tough love? Time and time again I have heard that women in abusive relationships had a harder time leaving when berated for their choices by other women. If you are in this situation chances are you aren’t going to understand it’s tough love and will turn all of that criticism back onto yourself, making you feel even less worthy of getting out of the situation. LW you ARE worthy.
Really a purple thumb?
I agree with you. That’s what I chose not to berate this LW. Clearly her self-esteem is non-existent and her resistance low if she got to this point. But she’s showing promise. Writing in to DW shows that she must recognize, somewhere, that this is not right. I don’t want to quash the little resolve she may have by making her feel guilty. This is someone who needs to be given strength and support, not made to feel lousy for her bad choices. LW – whether or not the commenters here berate you, please know that it’s because they all REALLY want you to get out and live a happy, healthy life.
Oh honey. This little boy is no good for you. But you knew that.
So, how to go about leaving. Leaving him is not going to be easy. Get some help and advice from the abuse hotlines and websites. Call the local woman’s shelter. Get some help and make a plan. Pack up and leave when he’s not at home, preferably when his parents aren’t there either… but even if that’s not possible, leave without telling anyone you’re going or letting anyone know where you’ve gone. Get a PO box and have your mail forwarded there if you need to. For a time, I’m not sure you’ll be able to go back to your mother’s house so you may need to stay at a shelter or with a different relative– somewhere he won’t expect you to be. He lives close to your mom’s so even if he doesn’t turn violent, will he be able to resist driving by or coming to stand under your window and yell at you (and heaven forbid he’s still doing that when you start dating again)? Because it’s also your responsibility to protect your siblings from him (especially the new baby), you may need to let this cool down before you can go home.
You need a new mantra. Somehow the two of you have convinced yourself that you deserve this (and yes, you helped– nobody can convince you of anything if you aren’t willing to be convinced) So leave, hold your head up and keep telling yourself “I am better than this.” (let that be a call to arms to not only require better treatment, but to do better in general) So yeah, get out, get a job, get a therapist, get on with your life. Be better than this.
If you hear only one thing come out of my mouth in this paragraph, please let it be that you are in a relationship that is sucking you into a black hole. He sounds emotionally abusive, and you sound like you are allowing him to continue on this dangerous path.
Please move home and cut him out of your life. It’s past time to do that.
Little sister, I couldn’t even finish your letter. Your boy is the most douche-baggity douche head I’ve ever heard of. Pack your shit and go.
If you do nothing else, please please please call one of the hotlines mentioned above. Yes, leaving can be the absolutely most terrifying thing in the world, so start with a small step. I know you’ve been pretty cut off from your family, so you’re probably feeling alone. Time to start assembling the troops. 🙂 We’re rooting for you, but please give the hotline a call and let them offer the support that we can’t here. Good luck!
Yes…you should leave him, move back with your family, and be yourself.
Do it. NOW!
Holy crap on a cracker, LW. You need to get out yesterday.
I would second the suggestion to seek refuge at a women’s shelter, rather than going to your mom’s house. This miserable excuse for a human being WILL try and come after you and you need to protect your mom and your little siblings. In addition, the shelter will have a whole bunch of services that you can make use of- they will have security so you won’t be worried about your safety, and a good relationship with local police if you need to apply for a restraining order. They will probably also have counsellors and social workers. You need to see a counsellor ASAP to make sure you don’t find yourself in this situation again.
I was thinking this–I think she should inform her mother to take precautions too.
I suggested she at least call her mom to let her know that she wants to leave. I also think it might be a bit dangerous for her to go to her mom’s. But she should absolutely warn her mother, let her mother help her find a new play to stay and enlist all of the supportive friends and family she is certain she has. Arm yourself with people who care about you, LW!
I am worried about you LW.
Please get out of there. And when you are out of there, please send us an update so we know you’re okay.
Know your worth is SO MUCH higher than this.
So.
So two years ago, you moved out of your mother’s house without thinking about whether it break her heart for you to just take off while she was gone……and now you feel a need to be loyal and stay with a man who is abusive and controlling. Does this sound sensible? Healthy? Safe?
You are keeping yourself in a miserable/dangerous lifestyle (and please, out of respect for everyone on this forum that is worried about you, DON’T try to pretend that your boyfriend isn’t dangerous just because he has only emotionally abused you). You live in a prison, you realize that, right? You don’t work for money, you can only see your family for a limited amount of time, and your family is being threatened as a means to keep you isolated. Prison. Instead of asking yourself if its really that bad, maybe you should be asking yourself why you deserve to be punished. (hint: you don’t)
However, seeing all of this, I honestly have to tell you are lucky. LU. CKY. You are not pregnant, not married, and you have the love of your own family that would take you back in a hot second. How many women in abusive relationships are that lucky? For many, the family you chose to leave ARE the abusive ones, and their chances of escape are so much more slight.
The frustrating part for me is that you know all this. You spoke very clearly about your circumstances. Yet you still have not left? Because he started being nice again? You do understand that the second your boyfriend realizes that he’s convinced you to stay, he will not only be just as cruel as before, but even MORE so because you attempted to leave and he must enforce control much more to keep you (ie: physical violence)?
It might seem scary or hard or painful to leave, but dammit LW, people die from violence and abuse everyday, I think the massacre in Norway has taught us that, for no reason other than they got in the path of a cruel person intent on causing them harm. Many have no choice of escape, you do. Respect yourself and respect these victims enough to remove yourself from this situation. You have already discovered the ending to this story at the very beginning of it. Just leave when he isn’t home. Get away, get safe, and use the resources available to women to keep this violent man away from you.
By all means, marry the guy and be done with it. He sounds just dreamy.
Ugh. Where to begin?
THIS is what happens when little girls try to act like grown women and fail miserably. Moving out in secret? Yeah, gee, I wonder why? Could it be that your mother HATED your boyfriend, saw what a controlling asshole he was, and warned you again and again but you (of course! young and in love refused to listen?
Take head foolish vapid 18 year olds who wanna date badboys. THIS is where it gets you. It would be sad if it wasn’t so fucking predictable. Frankly, the fact that you would even actually question as to whether or not you should leave this fucking moron that YOU fell in love with makes me have grave doubts about your future.
What the fuck is it with women dating losers? Seriously, WTF?
I get everything you’re saying, I truly do, and it frustrates me as well. This may be too easy, but often I blame the bad decisions that teenagers and very young women make on the example they have been given growing up. If you grow up with two loving, supportive, intelligent, non-abusive parents who teach you your self-worth, love you unconditionally and instill in you a foundation of confidence (in yourself, in your abilities, in your goals, etc), you are WAY less likely to end up in a situation like this. You intrinsically understand your own self-worth, don’t get sucked in with controlling people, and know right from wrong.
People who have been raised that way can turn out differently, of course. But it seems far less likely than people who have been ignored or neglected, had a shitty relationship as example, were abused, etc. I imagine this LW didn’t come from a totally happy, whole, healthy family. I imagine her mother tried as hard as she could, but clearly this LW never learned how to value herself and became easy prey for a master manipulater.
You’re absolutely right, RR. My dad was emotionally and verbally abusive when I was growing up – he’s a good man, really, but he’s got A LOT of demons – and sure enough, I found myself in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. It wasn’t really from having a bad example exactly, but more that I had been convinced I deserved it because my self-esteem was shot from being told I was silly, stupid, lazy, overly sensitive, whatever. It was easier, then, to believe a man who was telling me the same things I had heard all my life. It took me awhile to get out, but ironically enough it was my parents’ insistence he was bad for me. But then a few years later, I was able to explain to my dad that it was his abuse that left me susceptible to another abuser, and it made him seek help finally.
It’s funny because the first thought that crossed my mind was maybe her parents were TOO protective and this was one of her first boyfriends. I was reading it from the perspective of someone who wanted a chance to have more say over her decisions (obviously she needs some work on this part) and her relationships so she left. I think it’s hard on parents to know how much is too much as far as rules go and that parents do get blamed far too often for decisions that their children make. But, either way I think this is an excellent example of how your upbringing can affect the decisions you make in life. Whether they be because you were suffocated by your parents decisions or they just didn’t give a crap about you. It’s sad that it took her so long to realize how terrible of a situation this was. It sounds like she actually loves her family though so hopefully she’s able to get back to them and she’s grown up enough and won’t ever make a mistake like this again.
Keep imagining…
At some point though, I get sick of people blaming their parents for THEIR bad choices. That said, the LW’s family does sound like a mess. What is up with people having kid after kid after kid after kid? It’s certainly never because all the others turned out so great.
Kid after kid after kid? There’s five kids and she’s 20. That’s a lot, sure, but not THAT outlandish. And I’m pretty sure the mom didn’t TELL her daughter to sneak out. It is totally not her parents’ fault that she ran away into an abusive relationship, sorry. She’s an adult. She’s responsible for her situation.
Whatever. I’m sorry, but to me, five kids is fucking outlandish. (not to mention that they live in “the projects”…. so, gee, I wonder, just exactly who is supporting all these fucking kids. Probably you and me, would be my best guess.) The world is fucking overpopulated enough with enough morons running around — sorry, we simply don’t need any more people breeding like rabbits. Anybody who has more than two kids these days is just a fucking selfish narcissist. End of story.
Wow, I hate to say this, but you sound just as cold towards her family as her boyfriend does. It is a very nasty slope to slide down to suggest that “project people” shouldn’t pro-create because all of us (the better ones, is that what you mean??) will have to support them. I could list off some of the most profound inspirations to this world who were born to poor unbringings, but I think you’ll probably just write them off as someone else you had to pay for.
Or they could just have the number of kids they can actually afford — a truly novel and revolutionary concept, it seems. Look, I specifically said that NO ONE should have more than two kids in my opinion. No one. Project People to fucking wealthy Republican elitists.
PS — The fact that the mother has simply been too busy making baby after baby (with what one can only assume is man after man) to actually PARENT the LW probably has a heck of a lot to do with why she is clearly such a headcase with deeply flawed views on relationships…
Ok, you OBVIOUSLY have a bias against people who dare to bear more than two children and considering the LW has only mentioned the good things about her family, I really don’t think you can say with confidence that its all her mother’s fault (btw, she’s a slut now, too?) because she doesn’t parent her children. Right now, this girl has one support system that can take her in and care for her. One. Her family. What good is it to try and belittle her family and insult them when they are a vital part to her recovery from this abusive relationship? You are letting your bias cloud the message the LW should be hearing.
You seem to be suffering from something called “entitlement bias”. You want to live in a civil society, and not be a mooch you commit to “family planning” and not treating your vagina and uterus like a drive through.
Where do you get off thinking you can have 600 children, and then ask the state to take care of them, because they have “human rights”?
Because they are humans?
I really hope you aren’t serious.
Don’ take this the wrong way but…..are you insane? When did I say I wanted 600 kids, let alone “get off” on it? Does my mother know I want them? Does my BOYFRIEND?
Orrrrr, you were making a generalization because I feel its important to not create a caste system out of breeding rights. I think that anybody with the ability to work hard and use that work to successfully support their children deserves them. If you believe that poorer people don’t know how to work hard and shouldn’t be allowed the basic human right to procreate, then bully for you.
But fine, hey, create your fantasy society of rich people only children. Frankly, if you want to live in a world inhabited by only entitled rich kids and Paris Hiltons, then good luck to you. But in the mean time, do not make dangerous generalizations to me about how anybody who uses state funds (like Planned Parenthood, a family planning organization you claimed to care so much about) to help support themselves and their basic rights are the spoiled lazy ones, when they work harder and earn less for their work than you or I ever will.
I don’t believe that she said she grew up in the ‘projects’ in this letter just that her bf refers to her family as project people. We don’t know anything about her family’s financial status at all from this letter or whether or not they’re able to support the children they have. Obviously this LW has some issues at home if she wanted to see what it felt like to be an adult so she moved out in the middle of the night. But, I’m going to guess that was because the parents were probably overprotective. Not because they or her are morons. She was young, naive and kind of stupid when she made the decision but you can’t lump her entire family into being a moron. Tough love is one thing but you’re comments are just rude and not really helpful.
When people bother my husband and I about when we’re going to have kids (because no one could possibly want to get married without having kids) I tell them we’re going green and not having any.
That’s great but you can’t judge other people as being wrong for having children just the same way I’m assuming you would hope people wouldn’t judge you for not wanting to have kids? Neither choice makes you a better person.
Oh i’m not, BGM’s comment just reminded me of it. To each there own. Although 5 kids is pretty excessive. I just don’t think mentioning the flaws in her family is going to be that helpful for her going forward.
Oh but to clarify, I actually do judge people that have kids and can’t support them. (support not being limited to love….support includes FINANCIALLY)
Judging people for not being able to take care of the kids they have is completely different than judging people for having kids in general or having a certain number of children (if they’re able to take care of them).
I never said I judge people that have kids in general…my original comment that we are choosing not to have kids and “go green”…was semi sarcastic…as I stated in my comment – we more say it to get people off our back about it. So you’re arguing with the wrong person. If a billionaire wants to have 20 kids…go for it. If some women wants to have kids for selfish reasons with no planning into how that child will be supported….people like that are the ones that shouldn’t be having kids.
By why do I have a feeling most of the people who are standing up for the right to have however many kids as they want…are never the ones that actually make more than 100k?
Anyways this discussion is getting really off topic for the LW
I’m sorry, but I had to laugh. Is that what you think? That people who make less than 100k are the ones who promote having children without being financially ready? Or that making less than 100k should disqualify you from having children? Are you sensing at all a “only rich people should have kids” vibe from your comment? Because I am.
My parents made nowhere near what you claim to be the appropriate salary it should be to have children. A trust fund? Laughable. Not all of us skipped in designer shoes to designer schools. But guess where we are now? My rich friends are entirely dependent on their parents for cash and I and my poorer friends are financially independent and would be much more ready to have children. Something about learning about responsibilities when working full time while paying for college yourself tends to have that effect on you. People who come from poorer households are not stupid or selfish, we simply have to learn to work harder, a quality of character this nation relies on.
And if you really want to ask yourself while so many poorer people are having children before their financially ready, think about this: a person with less sex education will be more likely to have children before they’re ready and will be less likely to gain economic status while taking care of children. And guess who enacts sex education laws? I would gather they make more than 100k.
Eek I knew it would be a bad idea to throw out a number to my argument. My point was only that people should not have kids without being financially ready. Lots of issues factor in to whehter or not a couple is ready to be parents like age, point they are at in their career, stability, willingness, financial and other parts. I just think the whole ‘lets have kids and hope it works out for the best’ is a little out dated.
You do realize that half of pregnancies are unplanned, right? In an ideal world, all babies would be wanted, planned for, and the parents would be ready for them, but that’s not the case. But I guess the parents are just stupid, right? Because all birth control is 100% effective, all young people are receiving comprehensive sex ed in high school, and all birth control is easily accessible and cheap as dirt.
(This is to ForeverYoung, it wouldn’t let me reply directly to their comment)
(Also a reply to ForeverYoung)
I’m sorry if I seem upset about it, it just touches such a nerve with me when so many people claim that poor parents are irresponsible when they know more about juggling responsibilities than so many privileged people do. I see people working two jobs with no chance of dream careers pursued all for their children, and everyone on ivory towers has the nerve to call them lazy and selfish and that we pay for them (I know you didn’t but so many other people do.)
It is not a shock to any of us that the poorer a place is, the worse or non-existent the education will be. If you deny somebody the ability to know how to prevent pregnancy, the ability to stop a pregnancy and the ability to create a profitable future after pregnancy, then what is to be expected? Blaming poorer parents instead of the forces at work to keep them poor is exactly what keeps them from making a better future for themselves and their children.
To me, there is an immense difference between having children – especially multiple children – when you know that you cannot support them (and don’t care)… and ending up in a position of being unable to support your children due to unexpected circumstances.
There are a lot of families in adverse economic positions today that they’d have had no real reason to have forecast being in a few years ago. Likewise, and similarly, there are a lot of families who expected their income to grow when it has shrunk, so there are a lot of kids out there with a lower living condition than their parents expected to provide for them.
I agree with that…. but I think part of life is planning for the uncertainties. Don’t have kids if you don’t have a savings account that can support kids and all the things that can go wrong with them like broken bones, braces, the loss of income of a parent during a bad economy. I understand you can’t be prepared for EVERYTHING in life, but most people have kids while living paycheck to paycheck, and that I find extremely irresponsible.
Oh but to clarify, I actually do judge people that have kids and can’t support them. (support not being limited to love….support includes FINANCIALLY)
Sorry, but having children or not having children (also known as reproductive autonomy) is a right, not a privilege.
I understand that people get pissed off with welfare. But it isn’t a picnic. Try changing the system, not people. Both difficult but I know which one I would rather lose.
I would rather lose the welfare system. The government should spend that money on free birth control. If you have kids and can’t afford to feed them why should I have to feed them?
My rabbi and his wife have 12 kids. And no, you don’t support any of them.
How nice for them and how great that if the kids each follow their parents what was once a family of 2 will now be 146. Yes, so thank you so very much for perfectly illustrating my point.
Your point of what?
They are not ignorant or on welfare. So which point did I prove?
My point being that the planet is becoming overpopulated. Duh.
For the record I do not advocate having 12 kids. My vagina aches at the mere suggestion.
However, saying that all people who have more than 2 are selfish and/or on welfare is ignorant. If you want to have 12 kids and you can support them, then good for you.
I thought that BGM was just saying it’s selfish to have five kids when you can’t take care of or support them. That is selfish and not fair. There are ladies who *do* have more kids than they can afford simply so they can get the extra money from welfare.
Then again, I could have misread, and I’m not going to re-read all the comments above. 🙂
It is selfish and ignorant to have 12 kids with modern medicine.
Most of the people I’ve heard of who have numerous kids are the very religious ones. Some of the very religious Christians,Muslims,Jews ,Hindus ect have numerous kids so that the number of people belonging to the particular religion increases.It’s like a damn competition.
Mark – sometimes a family CAN have multiple children and live in a less-than-ideal neighborhood because it’s cheaper to live in to save money in order to afford all the children.
Some cultures place more value on fertility and family rather than material values.
I know that I’m not on welfare and I have four kids. My last wasn’t planned at all. I have lived in some pretty crappy neighborhoods in order to save money so I could pay off debts from my first marriage so I could try to buy a home later on. For all we know, this LW’s mom might have been a teen mom the first time, then got married in her 20s and could very well be in her late 30s and still with her 1st husband and having her 3rd-4th with the guy. They could own their home, make decent money, etc, and just chose to buy a home in a poor area because they had family in the area and place value on family rather than neighborhoods. It could be that the LW’s father (who in this scenario would have been a teen when she was born) was a criminal at a young age and committed a burglary or something and is out of prison, so the boyfriend is putting her down for it.
My first husband used to love calling me “Felon spawn” because my paternal grandma died in a federal prison for tax evasion (she was one of those “we didn’t vote to pay taxes, therefore we shouldn’t be required to” kind of folks).
The LW makes no mention of her mother living on welfare. Just because the boyfriend doesn’t like the neighborhood the family lives in doesn’t mean it’s actually the “projects”. Especially since he lives three miles away from them. That’s not too far in my opinion. Not for serious income changes.
It sounds to me like the LW was too scared to say to her mother “hey, I want to move out” and he manipulated it so she just left without saying anything. As if she ran away. She avoided confrontation and he got her to burn her bridge so she couldn’t go back home quickly if she needed to leave him.
“Some cultures place more value on fertility and family rather than material values”.
Great…so 7 children being born to parents who cannot afford more than 2 or 3 are at a disadvantage because their parents value fertility and family more than being financially sensible.Society should have progressed from that line of thinking.My mom is from India…slums are filled with homeless parents and their 9 children.Now,maybe its the lack of education which makes them breed like rabbits(as BGM says),but it pisses me off when I see a newborn being born into a life of poverty.Let’s spare the innocent children,please.To hell with “fertility and family”.You can still value all that without constantly getting pregnant.
And yeah…if a couple can’t afford to have children,they shouldn’t have them.Ask any adoption agency…they will check your finances before they allow you to adopt a child.There’s a reason for it…they want to make sure the parents have the means to financially support a child.
I support BGM.
Having more than 2 kids is ultra selfish.
recycling, holding in your farts, composting, taking the bus, not using plastic bags, using flourescent bulbs …..
and all of this other green garbage “to save the planet” is a big fucking joke compared to the amount of resources every new human being will consume in their lifetime
If you really want to “save the planet”, don’t have more than 2 kids. Its simple arithmetic, i believe they teach it in grade school.
I am judging. I think anyone that has more than 2 kids is an ignorant, dipshit idiot.
There.
Why is 2 the magic number? Why not one kid? Why not have any children?
Do we get a “do over card” if one of our 2 kids dies?
For example, what about people who have lost their children to illness, accidents, etc. If they were only to have two kids, and then one (or both) of their children die for some reason then do they get to have another or would you say that “you only get two”. Then if the latter, what about the parents who have a baby who dies within the first few weeks?
I agree on the “do not have more than you are able to support” but limiting to such a specific number does not mean that the world will get any better. Especially as someone said, some pregnancies are unplanned – and if you are only allowed to keep two, then would the government have to pay for abortions or for the fostercare of any “extras”?
I don’t know, I’d like three but I definately would not want 5. (And I don’t think I’m a dipshit idiot). And yes people are excessive with poping out those babies (hello octomom and 17(18?) kids and counting).
Bottom line: there are always going to be selfish people, or people who have babies for the wrong reasons (to keep a bf – more child support money, TV fame whatever). Choosing a specific number to limit people to isn’t going to really make sure that people are better parents and more financially fit parents either.
Oh, for Pete’s sake, I give up. Fine! If your kid dies — have another. I had no idea that were THAT replaceable. Seriously. Good to know that if one dies you just rush right out and replace it like some shitty handbag you just had to have from Forever 21 that was made in China so it lasted all of three weeks. But yes, good to know.
So, go ahead all you shallow, narcissistic, vapid idiots who want five or so kids a piece and destroy the fucking planet. Go ahead. Pop em out one after another like drugged out cows on a factory farm. I give up. Just keep on breeding and breeding as clearly it is the only thing that can give far too many of you any sense of validation
But..but…what if I WANT 8 kids??Family and my abilitie to reproduce is MUCH more important than being able to properly financially support them!!!
How do you think the LW’s father was, and why she ran to this DB BF?
I have a man crush on Bitter Gay Mark. He’s one of the only voices of reason on here. It’s sad to see the moron apologists attacking him.
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE.
I cannot say this enough: MOA. MOA MOA MOA.
You deserve a guy who will treat you with respect and dignity in the sense where you won’t lose sight of who you are as your own person. Relationships should bring out the best in you, not chase you away from your individuality.
1. Move back home or in with relatives, at least temporarily
2. Get a job
3. Don’t have anything more to do with that no-good man
4. Make plans for your future: community college, certificate course, any kind of training that will help you towards a career that pays a decent living wage.
5. Stay strong; you are an adult now and no one gets to tell you how to live your life, distract you from your goals or impose their will on you because YOU are the star of your life
wish you all the best!
LW, I’ve been there. Not exactly there, but I know how easy it is to fall into a pattern with a man who makes you feel terrible about yourself. Your boyfriend has you convinced that you deserve this treatment. He makes you feel stupid and silly and ungrateful for asserting your needs and desires, and because he and his family are all that you see, you have very little outside information to contradict him. He does that intentionally: he wants you to think his opinion is fact. Of course he won’t “let you” see your family, hold a job, be with your new sibling because everyone in their right mind in your life will tell you what everyone here has been saying: HE IS BAD FOR YOU. YOU DESERVE BETTER. People throw that term around constantly, and I think maybe it loses its meaning. However, here’s what it means. You deserve a man who thinks of you other than in terms of what you can do for him and whether or not you will be at his beck and call, regardless of your own feelings. You deserve a man who doesn’t dehumanize your family. You deserve a man who doesn’t tell you to shut up. You deserve a man who values your Puerto Rican heritage rather than uses it as evidence to make you feel low-class or stupid. Those men exist. You deserve one of those men and not this man who treats you like chattel. You. Deserve. Better.
You’re definitely lucky that your family is close and you feel safe enough to go back. I would definitely do that as soon as possible. Don’t tell him or anyone in his family you’re planning on doing that. Just pack want you can and leave. Being an adult is never as fun as it seems like it’s going to be, and while moving in with his family wasn’t really being an ‘adult’ you’re actually lucky it was with them and not on your own with just him. Who knows what your life would look like now if it was just the two of you. I’m pretty sure Wendy has written a few articles on red flags to watch for in relationships and significant others. You should read them because this relationship is full of them. Good luck LW and hopefully you update Wendy soon so we know that you’re ok.
That’s it. I’m marking the ones you are suffering from.
There are 5 types of actions or behaviors specific to Domestic Violence by the Abuser to the “Victim”
Financial/Social, Emotional, Sexual, Physical, & Psychological
There are 60 behaviors on this list:
1. belittling (E) YOU
2. isolating (E) YOU
3. dominating (PSY) YOU
4. possessiveness (PSY) YOU
5. extreme jealousy (PSY) YOU
6. controlling finances (PSY) YOU
7. slapping (PH)
8. kicking (PH)
9. punching (PH)
10. hitiing (PH)
11. choking (PH)
12. burning (PH)
13. shaking (PH)
14. shoving (PH)
15. threats with weapons (EM)
16. making accusations (EM) YOU
17. manipulating with lies (EM)
18. threats of suicide (EM)
19. making all decisions (EM) YOU
20. demanding attention (EM) YOU
21. blaming (EM) YOU
22. accusations of flirting or looking at others (EM)
23. harassing (EM)
24. intimidating (EM)
25. interrogating repeatedly (EM)
26. ignoring (EM)
27. humiliating (EM) YOU
28. withholding affection (EM)
29. breaking possessions (EM)
30. hurting pets (PH)
31. labeling as stupid/crazy (EM) YOU
32. name calling (EM)
33. screaming (EM)
34. threats and violence (EM)
35. put downs (EM) YOU
36. threats of abuse (EM)
37. yelling (EM)
38. continuous critizing (EM) YOU
39. insulting values (EM) YOU
40. insulting life choices (EM) YOU
41. insulting family (EM) YOU
42. degrading you in public (EM)
43. cutting/scratching (PH)
44. attack with weapon (PH)
45. hitting with objects (PH)
46. restraining (PH)
47. pushing/throwing (PH)
48. hair pulling/cutting (PH)
49. pinning down (PH)
50. throw objects (PH)
51. punching walls (PH)
52. arm twisting (PH)
53. biting (PH)
54. spitting (PH)
55. mind games (PSY)
56. humiliation (PSY)
57. silent treatment (PSY)
58. stalking (PSY)
59. surveillance (PSY)
60. making you think you are crazy/telling others you are crazy (PSY)
If you want to go back to your mother and help her, then you should. The reason you think you love him is because you have been conditioned to feel that way. You are not sexually attracted to him because deep down, you are repulsed by him. Mentally, you have made yourself “love” him because you know that if you don’t, things might get worse. It’s a coping mechanism. Do yourself a favor and leave while he’s at work. You should not be treated this way. Nobody should have this kind of power over you, nobody. You are a special, loving and caring person. You deserve better than this. You just need to convince yourself of that.
This hits a little home for me because the LW is only a year younger than I am. LW…dump the fuck outta this guy for your own mental health and because he’s a controlling bastard.You aren’t exhibiting any signs of adult behavior.Sure,you moved out of your family’s house but you moved in with your boyfriend’s family,NOT just your boyfriend.I’d also recommend therapy so you can determine why you got yourself in this mess to begin with and how you can ensure it never ever ever ever happens again.
There is absolutely nothing to work out in this relationship.Don’t be fooled by him just because he has started doing nice things(whatever that means)and because he says he loves you.The guy doesn’t love you and based on what you’ve told us about his character,I don’t know why you love him.
MOVE THE FUCK ON YESTERDAY.
Guuuurlll-GTFO. Serious. Don’t know anything about you but you can’t put up with that. You deserve better.
Reading letters like these make me angry immediately, and then sadden me, because some girls (and guys!) think so little of themselves that they put up with being treated in any manner even close to this, let alone this extent.
If this letter were any more stereotypical it would come with tacos.
Dear LW,
Your boyfriend’s pitbull/cane corso is more important to him than you. Your mother’s 20-year fertility span and her penchant for popping out babies has stunted your emotional growth. You’ve been too busy cleaning up her irresponsible messes by being her free child care. You don’t know how to be a responsible adult in our society because you have yet to meet one outside of the school I’m guessing you dropped out of.
I understand you can’t get therapy because you don’t have insurance, nor the money to pay a therapist. Don’t worry about that. Try to get a cell phone so that when you leave this guy and he comes to beat the hell out of you, you can call 911. Press charges, and do not drop them after you go have make-up sex with this guy. It will not get better. La vida no es una telenovela… entiendes?
Finally, having insufficient family planning is not an option for you. Go get an IUD ASAP. This guy will be knocking you up in no time (via spousal rape) if you don’t, and he’s the kind of guy who WILL find pills if you try that method of not tying yourself to him permanently.
He will try extremes of romance to trap you back. He will try to knock you up. He will try to threaten you and your family. Be ready for it.
Wow. Is the racism necessary?
Wow. Racist stereotype much?
I’m not racist nearly as much as you give bad advice, Anita. If she didn’t write a telenovela about how well she fit a stereotype, I wouldn’t have ridden with it. Guess how many people like the letter writer I know?
As a Latino, people like the LW and her BF make me look bad because they are stereotypes which I abhor. They give the white community the fodder they use against professional male Latinos, like me, in the public square.
I’ll go through this point by point:
How do I know what kind of dog he has? He has serious machismo issues.
How do I know her mom used her for child care? She admits to it in the letter, as is the cultural practice of my community.
How do I know her mother is irresponsible? She could have parented her child to not get involved with morons like the LW’s boyfriend (aka. absent father stand-in) instead of popping another one out with another guy because she’s selfish and irresponsible with fertility. I’ve seen it a thousand times.
How do I know the new controlling db is a father stand-in? The BF and the dad have a murderous hatred of each other that only comes from two fighting dogs pissing on the same tree.
How do I know he’s violent? See above.
How do I hazard to guess this girl dropped out? Her mom isn’t a parent, her dad is absent and she thinks it is acting like an adult to run away from home (to her boyfriend’s parents’ house) by cover of night. Also, it is VERY common/stereotypical in my community for young women to drop out of high school to provide their family with free child care because it is still the man’s job to work, therefore the man is the only one whose scholastic skills are valued (as the LW so graciously points out).
How do I KNOW they are Latino like me other than via stereotypes? Well, we’re anthropologically the most likely group of people to have multi-generational cohabitation in the USA, and she speaks puerto rican but only commented about him disliking her accent. We also have the strongest gender roles involving work and child care that rarely exist in other ethnic communities in the USA.
How do I know he’s going to aggressively go after her if she tries to leave? He’s obviously a control freak with machismo issues (not letting her work so he can fail to support them), and those men are most prone to violence when their victim attempts self-assertion and ultimately exit. He’s controlling because he feels powerless over his own situation (which sucks) so he tries to control what he can (her). When he loses that, he will flip. It’s not an if. He’s not civil (see father relationship).
How do I know she doesn’t have mental-health insurance? She’s 20, unemployed, not in school, and living with a man who can’t make enough money to support them under someone else’s roof.
So yeah, maybe you should learn what racism is before addressing someone as a racist. Pointing out cultural influences that are specific to certain American groups is called ANTHROPOLOGY, and not synonymous with RACISM. The only commentary that comes even close to racism was about the taco and dog, which were used hyperbolically to stress how stereotypical this situation is in the community I have mixed feelings about being a part of; but I’m guessing via the caliber of your advice that literary techniques of sarcasm elude you.
Being up on your well-insured-enough-to-have-mental-health-insurance horse may be nice, but telling this LW to seek a therapist is shit advice for this girl. You really think therapists roam the projects proactively helping these people? No, social workers go in and clean up after these people, if they can. Both of my parents are social workers (one social worker, one PO) in a community like this, and I’ve seen and heard more stories about this than I care to ever have.
Also, moving home is shit advice for this girl because that’s well within reach of the aggressive and abusive BF who has been escalating and will continue to do so until he has another victim or ends up in jail for the harm of this one. Moving home is a great way to get her stabbed.
Her proximity to him and her Stockholm Syndrome lead me to believe she will stay or have an on/off for a while while he digs his claws in for the last few struggles. She’s been staying through the abuse so far, hasn’t she? Also, her extremely poor judgment, culture and parentage lead me to believe that she has poor fertility care which is ultimately what could tie her to this abusive DB for the rest of her life. You can outlive a bad relationship with a BF, you can’t outlive a relationship with a baby’s daddy.
What’s the most telling is what she isn’t saying in the letter, but it would take deductive reasoning to get that information…
“I’m not racist nearly as much as you give bad advice, Anita.”
Ha, what kind of statement is THAT? You know what kind of dog the guy has based on his personality, really? The girl doesn’t have health insurance, but should somehow fork over a thousand dollars for an IUD? The dad is absent (despite being mentioned as visiting every other month)? The LW somehow takes care of all of her siblings, even though the only thing she mentioned was how she misses her siblings?
You’re right, you did ride with it. You seem to be projecting all of your frustrations onto this LW. I’d go into more detail, but the personal attacks directed at me are kind of a turn off so I won’t bother.
I hate to tell you, but he is right on a lot of accounts.. I am not latina, but my friend has been dating one for like 4 or 5 years now, and she is running into these problems, baised on these stereotypes, as a white girl coming into the culture. from all her stories of clashing cultures that her and boyfriend has had, what robottapocalypse says is unfortunately true in a lot of instances.
He’s not necessarily right in a lot of accounts on *this* LW, and it doesn’t help to use derogatory statements like, “If this letter were any more stereotypical it would come with tacos,” and imply that the LW is a worthless high school dropout that freeloads off the government and looks after her siblings because her mother is an irresponsible baby-popping machine.
People may stereotype because the stereotype may be true sometimes, but his tone and attitude are what I have a problem with.
My family is Cuban, if I would’ve ran away (even at 20) with a boyfriend my mom knew was bad news, she’d find out where I was, grab me by my hair, & drag me all the way back to the house…
Doesn’t get anymore Latino-stereotypical than that!
Appropriate response.
Hasn’t slavery been illegal for some time now?
GET OUT NOW. That’s all that needs to be said.
OMG. MOA. NOW. You are only 20 girl, don’t hitch yourself to this jerk’s wagon.
This isn’t being in love, this is being controlled and manipulated into giving up who you are. Don’t ask him permission to leave, just do it or you may never get out.
Move back in with your family. He doesn’t want a life partner, he wants a sex maid. He clearly has entitlement issues, and thinks that women should wait on him hand and foot.
LW, I’m going out on a limb here and guessing you KNOW you need to leave your boyfriend but for whatever reason, you need an extra push – well here’s 100+ comments telling you to do just that. Get out. Leave. Now.
Fake.
If its not fake, its some redneck story meant for springer.
Call 1-800-96-JERRY
GTFO
I thought it was fake, too.
Jesus F*ing christ.
GTFO.
F*ing troll.
I will attribute publishing this letter to wendy’s illness. This is clearly nonsense.
Girl, get out. This boy is bad news. First of all, secretly moving in with your boyfriend is totally “Secret Life of the American Teenager”—like, seriously, not “grown up” AT ALL. You’re bilingual and your boyfriend won’t “allow” you to speak one of your languages? He constantly insults you and your family? He won’t LET you work? Dude is SEXIST and controlling, and quite possibly racist. He may “love you,” but this is not the kind of love you want. A person who loves you should treat you, your family, your values, your language, your home, etc. with respect. He should not forbid you from doing things that are important to you, like working or spending time with your new baby sibling. You will find someone to love who loves and respects you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. You’re lucky you still have the love and support of your family—get back to them before they lose faith in you.
Oh honey. Go home. This boy treats you like shit. You don’t deserve that, no one does. Go back home to your mother and do your best to start over. If he’s verbally and mentally abusive now (and yes, your description of how he treats you IS abuse) AND he has physically threatened your father…how long do you think it will be until he physically hurts you?
LW, you mention speaking spanish, so I assume you are of latina descent… and I know that in that culture, a lot of the time, the women do not have jobs and stay at home, cooking, cleaing and raising the children… I just want to tell you have you do have a choice in that matter. if his whole “i want to support you” isn’t the kind of life you see yourself in, then leave. get out. not even mentioning all the abuse (yes, it is abuse), if you are not happy in your life, change something.
I usually don’t run with the “omggg you’re so racist & stereotypical, geeeeez” BUT this comment is completely misguided & untrue. You are way off with that.
sorry to tell you, but yes it is. my friend has been dating a latino man for some time now, and is running into this problem. in their culture, the women stay home and raise the children, do house work, and cook. the men go out and earn money. my friend and her boyfriend have been living together for a little while now, and he has to make active steps to learn how to cook and clean. LEARN how, not just do it, learn how to do so that he can contribute around the house. she has been teaching him how to cook and do laundry, as specific examples. also, his family sees their relationship as very weird (and voices it regularly) because she does have a job, and has not yet had a child in their 4 year long relationship.
i did not say it to be racist. i am sure that there are other cultures out there where this is normal. its not even that weird, in my opinion. its just like being a stay at home mom vs going out and having a career, you just have to pick which way is right for you. and thats all i meant for the LW, that she does have a choice in that matter- she can make her life whatever she wants it to be, whether that is housewife or leader of a business.
You are completely incorrect. I am Cuban, my whole family is Cuban & NONE of the women in my family or any other I’ve known “stay home & take care of children their whole life.” My mom has 3 degrees & works 3 different jobs (all for choice of course, not because we need it) I live in Miami, FL which means everyone I know & encounter on a daily basis are Latino from Central & South America. All of my friends (who are Latinos) work, graduated from college, & none of them are even CLOSE to wanting children, if at all. All of their mothers, grandmothers, aunts all have jobs, degrees, & never stayed home raising children & done nothing.
Just because your friend who is dating a latino that doesn’t know how to cook, do laundry, or anything else for that matter doesn’t mean that this is cultural norm. That may be due to his individual upbringing but that does not represent the entire Latino culture. In fact, ever since I was little, I was always told “go to school, get a career, & become independent because you do not want to have to depend on a man for the rest of your life.” (Those words coming from my mother & father) & that is what my grandfather (a Cuban man who grew up in non-communist Cuba) would always tell my mom & aunts.
So please, if you’re going to stereotype, make sure it’s based on a collective group of resources on not ONE instance.
In addition…I BELIEVE not too long ago it was the norm in this country-with Caucasians- that women were raised to find a husband, stay home, raise children, & nothing more. In fact, I’m pretty sure women would go to college to simply learn how to cook, wear pearls, do chores, etc…then after they found a husband it would be FROWNED UPON if they dared to return to finish after they were married.
Go rent Mona Lisa Smile-not a fact-based movie, but def. an accurate depiction of what was going on in this country in the 1950s.
yes thats totally true! and in america, women worked for their right to do whatever they wanted with their lives! whoa, don’t freak out. this isn’t a race issue- yes, its been my friend’s experience that that is the way of latino culture. i have other friends who are latino who have experienced the same things… there is literally a mexican cleaning guy who comes into my office everyday and once he said that he cleans because it its “easy women’s work”. i am super glad that you know a lot of very well educated, accomplished latino people- I do to! I am not in any way saying that this is a bad thing, it is the “traditional” way of life, as i said in my ealier comment, in a variety of cultures. all i wanted to say to the LW was that she does have every right to do whatever she wants to with her life. just as your fore-mothers, and my own, faught for their right to go to be equal and have a life that could involve something other then being a housewife, this LW has to know that that is not the only way of life. I think it is very apparent that her boyfriend has a very skewed view of women only being housewives, and I want her to know that she has a choice in that matter. thats all.
I honestly have no idea why you freaked out when someone talks about latino culture, in a way that although isn’t widespread, is true. I literally said, “in that culture, a lot of the time,” as in not EVERY time. i just think people should know that just because something is “tradition” doesn’t mean it is going to work for them.
there are traditionalists in every culture- and pretty much all of them view women in the housewife position. and i would have said those words to any LW who wrote in about this. it has absolutely nothing to do with the race she is, or the culture she practices. it is about the fact that her boyfriend is thrusting a very traditional role on her, and she has a choice whether she wants her life to be that or not.
I didn’t freak out. I viewed your comment as a “this is the way all Latinos are” rage & I was simply giving you a handful of facts to counteract your statement. I was born here in the U.S. & consider myself an American before anything else, & like I said, I usually don’t buy into that stereotype argument, however, I know that Caribbean Latinos aren’t raised to be homemakers in that sense.
I didn’t mean for my comment to sound rash, but the way I read yours resulted in mine.
I didn’t freak out. I viewed your comment as a “this is the way all Latinos are” rage & I was simply giving you a handful of facts to counteract your statement. I was born here in the U.S. & consider myself an American before anything else, & like I said, I usually don’t buy into that stereotype argument, however, I know that Caribbean Latinos aren’t raised to be homemakers in that sense.
I didn’t mean for my comment to sound rash, but the way I read yours resulted in mine.
well, sort of apology accepted.
i just wish we lived in a world where we could talk about things good and bad that are still true and not be viewed in a bad light for it. not like bash other people for their choices or anything like that, but be able to talk about the skewed views that are held about women all over the world. to be able to talk about bad people in the military service in a bad light. to be able to talk about corrupt policemen, or gangsters, or terrorists without blanket personal attacks. to be able to openly discuss things without just being labeled as something else, that is the world i hope for.
I usually talk about w/e I think should be said. If someone calls me racist, stereotypical, well I usually brush it off bc I speak the truth. To me, your comment was untrue. I didn’t apologize for what I said, just the way it may have sounded. However, in your previous comments you were pretty sturn on the “way of life for Latino’s” & that’s why I responded because, being a Latino myself & constantly surrounded by them, I can assure you, you’re misguided in your thoughts. If you want to say something, say it, don’t wish for a perfect world bc there will always be someone who disagrees with you.
um, im sorry to clue you in, but yes it is. my friend (a white girl) has been dating a latino man for some time now, and she is running into this problem. in the traditional latino culture, the women stay at home, take care of children, cook, and clean. the men go out and earn money. my friend has had to teach her boyfriend how to cook, clean and do general housework.. he has had to LEARN, not just get off his butt and do it or anything like that, like he literally had no idea how to cook or how to do laundry, as specific examples. She is also running into this cultural difference through his family, who regularly voices their opinion of their relationship as weird, because she does have a job, and she has not yet had a child in their 4 year long relationship.
i did not say it to be racist, but latinos are one of i’m sure many other cultures that follows these beliefs. they aren’t even bad beliefs, in my opinion, they are no different then choosing to be a stay at home mom or having a career. either way is fine, you just have to choose which way is right for you. that is what I wanted the LW to know- she has a choice in her life, and she can make her life whatever she wants it to be.
sorry for this one, it said it didnt post… ugh computers.
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!!!!! Be your own person the way you moved out of your mom’s house get the hell out of his. It’s only going to get worse. Be the strong independent Latina you know you are and kick his sorry worthless ass to the curb. If this guy is making you change who you are so you don’t even speak in a PR spanish tongue, if he is talking shit about your family like that, calling them animals, imagine what he thinks and calls you when you are not around. He ain’t worth a damn, honey. What kind of asshole asks you to move out of your mom’s house so you can move into his mom’s house so she can have you clean it. Basically he got his mom help that he sleeps with.
Latino men are jerks, you can find some good ones. But, if any man brings you to live in there mom’s house and have you cleaning and cooking there for the family, not letting you have a job, and not letting you see your family, he is a jerk and an abuser. if you did not sign on for that kind of thing that is.
Jesus f*cking christ, get out.
If we don’t get an update from this girl announcing that she dumped his ass like dirty dishwater, I will eat my hat in dismay.