Your Turn: “When Should I Tell Guys About My Meds?”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
I have recently re-entered the dating world after my last relationship ended. While I am looking forward to what prospective future boyfriends I may end up seeing, I do have one concern that I’m not sure how to handle. In my last relationship, I began seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants for an anxiety-related issue. My ex was incredibly understanding about the whole situation (which had NOTHING to do with our ultimate split, by the way); however, I am worried about how other men may respond to it. Particularly, in-between the sheets. I am supposed to be weaned off the medication this year but I may have some sexual encounters before then. How does someone go about telling her new partner that the reason she doesn’t get to, um, see the big finish, is because my medication prevents it from happening? I refuse to “fake it” and I just don’t know when would be the right time to bring it up. Thanks. — Not Seeing any O Face
Almost everyone has taken anti-depressants at one point or another. It’s really not that big of a deal.
You could say its hard for you to climax unless you’re really comfortable with someone and have been with them for a while. At least I know I can never have an orgasm with guys I just started dating. If you aren’t dating them long enough to be comfortable telling them you are on antidepressants (again, not a big deal) it makes sense you wouldn’t be comfortable enough to orgasm.
“Almost everyone has taken anti-depressants at one point or another. ”
Really? I don’t think that’s true. Although I’m sure it’s quite common, I don’t think it’s accurate to say that almost everyone has taken anti-depressants.
I think enough people have taken anti depressants or anti anxiety medication (which is sometimes the same thing) that most people are understandable about it which is what I think jess was getting at.
Just because you haven’t taken anti depressants doesn’t mean that you don’t know someone who has. Maybe they just didn’t tell you because it wasn’t applicable to your relationship.
I agree. I think the majority of people don’t take any medication at all.
I think most people have and just don’t talk about it because there is a huge stigma against it still, especially for men. It took me over a year to convince my husband to do it because he considered a sign of weakness to need medication for a “mental” problem. A lot of my friends have also said that their husbands have been on them but they would die if anyone knew. So I think a lot more people are on them than you might believe. Especially if you count anti-anxiety medication as anti-depressants….which are two sides of the same coin.
So these women outed their husbands even though they knew their husbands didn’t want anyone to know? Nice.
That was the first thing I thought too!
Well I was explaining the hard time I was having him accept that it wasn’t a failure if he needed some anxiety medication to get through a really rough period and they were sympathizing that most guys won’t because of the stigma, or if they do take them they won’t tell anyone. This is part of the problem! If everyone would talk about it more openly people wouldn’t have a problem reaching out for help.
So you outed your husband, which I guess made them feel better doing so with their husbands.
Little wonder so many men won’t open up to their wives or even long-term gfs.
yeah I agree with you. I don’t talk to my friends about the fact that my husband deals with anxiety. I mean I get that he doesn’t think our friends need to know every detail about our lives. Some things are meant to be kept between the two of you. I think dealing with other people knowing actually causes more anxiety, at least for my husband.
Well it was causing me anxiety not having anyone to talk to about the struggles I was going through dealing with someone that was both physically sick and depressed. And we are close enough that our husbands know each other very well and assume we talk about everything. They joke about how much we know about each other.
So you live your life your isolated way and I will continue to count on my friends for advice when I am in unfamiliar territory.
Geez i’m not sure how this got so personal. My only point is that anti-depressants still are stigmatized (perfectly proven by the fact that you are all SOOOOO offended that I have spoken about it with my friends and think this should be some horrendous secret I keep inside me and take to the grave).
I realize that these meds are often stigmatized, but I also get where Tax Geek is coming from. And I didn’t say to not rely on your friends. I definitely rely on my friends and do talk to them about most things. You’re coming from a much different situation, your husband was sick and you needed support. I’m not saying to not go to them in that case. But, if say your husband had mild anxiety issues like mine and didn’t want anyone to know he was dealing with it, no I didn’t tell anyone. It also isn’t affecting our marriage. I think it’s more the idea of keeping some things between a husband and a wife, WHEN those things aren’t harmful to one or both of the people involved.
Except you just announced it on the internet, under a quasi-anonymous veil, sure, but still. How is that different? Ok, ok, we probably don’t know your husband, but the theory is still the same. You are “outing” your husband to make your point and justify your position. ForeverYoung was seeking help for something that had blurred from “only his problem” to something she also was struggling with.
Don’t be so quick to judge the situation.
telling people who will never meet him vs. telling people who sit across from him at dinner on a regular basis. different in my book. and i wasn’t justifying my position i was explaining where i was from coming from. and after reading her explanation i can see where she was coming from. and when i commented i wasn’t judging i was saying i could see where another commenter was coming from.
@ForeverYoung, just wanted to let you know that I totally get where you’re coming from, and I don’t understand either how the responses to your initial comment got so personal 🙁
Um I didn’t “out” him as our conversations weren’t confidential, and had been spanning over a year when he was extremely sick (Mayo clinic visits) and his shitty attitude was affecting his everyday life and our relationship. The fact that he was a miserable person to be around wasn’t exactly a secret…anyone that had been around him EVER in that year would have noticed that his physical health was making him depressed.
Friendships would be really shallow if you can’t count on your friends to help you navigate the rough waters of life with. Would you rather we were all like “OMG have you seen my new boots” “Yeah my life is GREAT, I mean that whole my husband can’t eat and stuff just really isn’t THAT important, I mean have you seen the new Justin Timberlake movie, AMAZEBALLS”.
What exactly is your issue here? That their husbands wouldn’t want people to know they were taking anti-depressants and they told me to comfort me/give me advice about one of the hardest years of our married life? If you can’t talk to your friends about stuff like that who can you talk to about it? And frankly this wasn’t just a random friend, she was in my wedding, we have taken many vacations together, and besides the annonymous internet I haven’t told anyone. Not because I think it’s some big secret, but taking anti-depressants isn’t that big a deal. I don’t really look at it is some juicy gossip. Are you a 16 year old girl?
I was really surprised you got jumped on for that, too. 🙁 Sounds like you and your husband went through a really tough time.
Thank you. I am surprised how defensive I got actually. I guess it bothers me that no one has an issue with people discussing all the personal shit they have on dearwendy since it started in an effort to help the letter writers, but I do it in person with a real live actual human being and that’s offensive to everyone? What are the point of friendships if you can’t talk about the good and the bad?
Since you asked. No I am a 47 year old man going through a divorce with someone who, among other things, felt it was her right to share everything I told her, no matter how embarrassing, with others. Sometimes with me right there.
And this started when you said these women shared something that their husbands wanted no one else to know about.
Well don’t project your life onto my life or the lives of their husbands. No I have not personally discussed the fact that he takes anti-depressants with him, but I would be shocked if after what my husband and I went through he doesn’t already know that I know. And you know what? It helped my husband get on anti-anxiety. Anti-depression was still too traumatizing for him, but hearing that this macho/successful guy had to do it when he had a big life change really helped him see that it was okay and probably wouldn’t be something he would have to take for the rest of his life.
I’m sorry your wife shared too much for your comfort. But I don’t share these things to embarrass my husband, nor was my friend sharing with me to embarrass hers. This is life, people have bad things happen and count on their friends to know they are not alone and this happens to a lot of people.
I’m completely with you on this.
Me too.
Well, I hope everything works out (or has worked out) for you two.
people are much too dependent on antidepressants. the fact that someone feels it’s an accurate statement to say “almost everyone has taken antidepressants” really ticks me off. as a psychology student, i know there are a lot of different ways to handle these issues, and it irks me when people just assume that meds are the best/only way. the fact that people think it’s “not that big of a deal” is horrifying. these are serious drugs and they should be treated as such.
not many people take them at all, actually. and those who do–the ones who need them for real–should also be working with a therapist, not just using the pills as a fix for their problems.
it’s great that the LW is trying to get off of them. i think she doesn’t even need to say anything to guys about it. as long as she’ll be off them soon enough, it’s fine. where is it written that you have to explain to guys why you can’t have an orgasm, anyway? i don’t rattle off a list of excuses every time i don’t finish. some women have them every time, some never have them. guys won’t ask you, LW, “why didn’t you finish? am i not good in bed?” they just won’t ask you that.
if you are with a guy long enough, once you’re off the antidepressants, and you have an orgasm, he’ll just be pleasantly surprised.
I agree with the rest of your post, but, yes, some guys will ask why you didn’t finish and yes, some will think it’s because they must be lacking as a lover. I am also not a faker and don’t orgasm every time, and I really had to hammer it into my then-boyfriend’s head that no, it wasn’t because of him and yes, I still enjoyed myself.
I think the fact that your a psychology student is where your bias starts. Doctors and psychologists feel quite differently on this subject. Of course as a psychology student you are going to say that they should only be taken concurrently with therapy. But doctors will tell you that because you have x, y, and z going on in your life at the moment of course you can have xanax until the stresses in your life subside. From my experience doctors heavily regulate usage, so I don’t see what the issue is. Some people feel the same way about therapy, as in therapy is over perscribed. If someone had anxiety from flying would you tell them to go to therapy for it or to take a chill pill when they fly? I just don’t think therapy is necessary for every situation.
I’m not trying to diss psychologists, one of my best friends just finished the program for it. She just had a different attitude about it than you seem to. As in medication isn’t for everyone, and therapy also isn’t for everyone but medication might be all they need.
That sounds like a terrible problem to have! I’m sorry to hear about that. I am glad you will be getting off the meds soon, as you definitely don’t want to deal with this your entire life. If you do start dating someone, the right time to talk about this would be when you are both feeling like you’re ready to have sex. It’s not terribly uncommon for someone to be on meds that affect their sex life, and it’s not a permanent thing. If your connection with the guy is strong enough, it won’t be an issue. And definitely don’t fake! Honesty is always the best policy.
As a side note, I find sex enjoyable even when I don’t hit the big O…
Why not consider waiting to sleep with men (or engage in acts that could lead to orgasm) until you feel comfortable enough with them to open up about your medications? I don’t mean to imply that having sex quickly is necessarily wrong. But as someone who also had to re-acclimate to the dating scene after a long relationship, I can say that waiting to have sex until you’re really comfortable with someone can help you protect your feelings somewhat and make wiser and more deliberate decisions about partners you are allowing into your life and heart. Of course, different people feel differently about when they want to have sex and that’s totally fine. But for me, it’s hard to imagine being sexually active with someone that I didn’t already feel comfortable talking to about my life, medications and anxiety issues included.
That said, therapy and medication for anxiety are hardly stigmatized nowadays, and anyone worth their salt shouldn’t freak out and judge you for getting the help you needed. Even new, more casual acquaintances. (Though you probably wouldn’t want to bring it up in the first few dates, regardless of what’s happening or not happening physically, just because it’s kind of personal.) But it’s really up to you, and how long it takes you to feel comfortable opening up about this issue vs. how long it takes you to feel comfortable having sex. It’s not like this is an STD or something you really must let them know about prior to sleeping with them. If you don’t want to tell them right away, then don’t. And if you’re concerned that they’ll be worried about you not reaching climax, you can tell them that you’re on some medication that makes it difficult for you but you still enjoy sex and leave it at that. If they delve deeper than you’re willing to go at that point in your relationship/connection, then tell them that. Most socially adept people won’t keep digging at something if it’s clear you’re not ready to talk about it.
A good sexual partner, whether you know them well or not, will be invested in making sure you’re having a good time too. But you don’t owe anyone every inner detail about your life until you’re ready to share those. I think that as long as you are genuinely enjoying yourself, you should be fine. And you would be, or else why would you be having sex right?
I was going to say the very same thing, but you beat me to it.
I would also wait to bring it up and wait to have sex with the person until I was comfortable telling them about the medications. I am in the same situation as you LW. I’m on anti-depressants -have been for two years now- however I don’t have a problem getting turned on or reaching orgasm. I’ve *ahem* reached it by myself and also reached it with an ex boyfriend – who incidentally WAS freaked out by someone who was depressed he dumped me once I told him I was seeing a therapist and taking anti-depressants.
So yes, definitely wait until you know what kind of a person he is. Trusting someone is hard and you’re already vulnerable – don’t compound that by jummping into sex too soon. I’m currently with someone and am waiting to have sex until I truly feel comfortable with them
Man, I must be sleeping with some really selfish dudes, cuz 99% of the guys I’ve been with don’t even notice. I’ve been on antidepressents for going on 6 years now, so I was completely surprised by your reasoning for feeling like you have to tell.
I have never ever climaxed, nor have I ever faked it, and yet, I have never been asked if I climaxed. In fact, the one or two times I have revealed to a guy that I’ve never had an orgasm, they were completely surprised/shocked/baffled.
So, in my experience, guys don’t even notice. Therefore, you don’t need to bring it up. Especially if it’s just a booty call situation. It’s nobody’s business what medication you’re on. If he does bring it up?? He’ll most likely just say “Did you come?” and you can be honest and say “Not this time, but I still really enjoyed myself.”
Maybe my experience is just totally different…but I’m shocked that no guy you’ve been with ever asked! I mean, both serious boyfriends I’ve had were very concerned whether or not I enjoyed myself to the “fullest,” so to speak. Do they just assume you reached that point? Are they that confident in their own abilities? That might explain the “shock” when you told them the truth. Also…I feel bereft that you’ve never actually climaxed.
I agree! The majority of guys I have met have been *very* concerned about my enjoyment and more than willing to take instruction if necessary. But then, I wouldn’t continue to see or sleep with someone who didn’t make an effort.
Same here. Most of the time, my guy is hesitant to finish until he knows that I have (which isn’t always as great as it sounds)… but he definitely notices and waits for it to happen. I’m kind of shocked that Miss Dre doesn’t get those questions!
My guy notices! If I don’t get there, he feels personally responsible to get me there next time. I tell him it’s not a big deal if I don’t get it every time because I’m still enjoying myself.
MissDre, you reallly need to experience a big O! Try doing it solo; sometimes that works better for women than trying to achieve it though sex.
Meh. It’s not like I haven’t tried. But it just doesn’t happen for me, so I gave up stressing over it a long time ago. It’ll happen when it happens and for now, I’m satisfied. I still enjoy myself. And as I’ve mentioned on DW before, I know quite a few girls that are in the same boat, so I’m not worried that something is wrong with me.
I still maintain that if a guy asks, there’s no need to tell him WHY you didn’t get there.
Just to clarify, you mean you it hasn’t happend from intercourse or it hasn’t happened EVER? If the latter, I want you to go lock yourself in your bedroom and not come out until you’ve given yourself the big O. Seriously. Go, now.
I second that!!
I’ve tried. Doesn’t work for me. Whether it’s because I’m on medication or some other reason, it just doesn’t work.
No worries, sexy time is sexy time. I love that everyone is so concerned for you though, it’s kind of funny, and I hope you take it in an “everyone loves you” kinda way.
Exactly!!
Agreed!
FWIW, an ex of mine experienced her very first orgasm of any sort at the age of 28, after numerous boyfriends and a marriage, and from then on, it was relatively easy for her. I’ve know others who were even older.
I realize there are some people who just cannot have one, and I certainly realize that there are many for whom medication makes it very difficult or impossible, but, if it’s something you want to experience and haven’t, don’t give up. It’ll happen.
Man. That sucks. What kind of guys are you dating??! I couldn’t have an orgasm without a vibrator for the *longest* time, but I finally did, in part because my current bf was totally encouraging about it. But even before him, it bothered several guys that I couldn’t (or, more accurately, wasn’t) getting there. Of course, I just told them after a couple times that I couldn’t and never had, and they usually just let it go. But for some it can be a really big deal.
So I guess my advice to the LW would be to bring it up if it comes up. I wouldn’t sit down and have a full conversation about meds, but there’s no reason to hide it, either. A lot of people these days are in therapy or on anti-depressants, so you shouldn’t feel like you need to hide anything. The sexual aspect of things is something to discuss along with any other sexual things that come up, so maybe when you have the STD/contraceptive methods talk? Or you could just wait and see if he asks…but if you’re having any other side effects (low libido, low, uh, personal lubrication, etc.) you might want to mention them beforehand. But I really don’t think being on the medication will be a turn off to anyone in and of itself. 🙂
Almost every guy I’ve dated has noticed, to the point of annoyance on my part. It’s hard for me to get there unless I’ve been with them a while, especially because I know it’s so hard for me, so I start getting self-conscious about that and it makes it worse. But almost all of them have nearly had a fit because they wanted “everyone to have fun.” I appreciate that they care, but it really stresses me out.
I think sometimes guys *think* that I had one… even when I didn’t. It’s not that I’m faking, but sometimes I just get really excited and kind of taper off, you know? Like, maybe I was THISCLOSE and then it just didn’t happen – that’s usually when I’m the loudest, haha, so I can see how they would mistake it for one. But if my BF isn’t sure, he will usually ask me.
Oh, but LW? I’ve been on antidepressants – and I’m on them now – and it’s such a non-issue. (I can have orgasms, though; it’s just a little harder now, and they’re weaker when I have them). If you don’t want to bring it up, then don’t. If you do, then I doubt anyone will think it’s that big of a deal.
MissDre, I am glad you’re so okay with never having climaxed. While it’s definitely an awesome thing to be able to do, not every woman can, and it’s gotta be freeing in some ways to make sex non-“event-based”. Sometimes, or most times, it’s really nice to just enjoy the moment without stressing about whether or not you need to get to some big finish.
MissDre- I’ve talked to you about this topic on here before. I understand that it just hasn’t happened for you yet, and from what you’ve said it doesn’t seem as though there is something wrong with you physically or mentally. I learned from you that there are more women out there than I thought that are simply physically unable to climax, and that it isn’t quite right to feel sorry for them because that’s sort of condescending. Any good sexual partner will understand this same issues, I think, and not get overly wrapped up in their ego in terms of “I’m going to make this girl orgasm because I’m good at sex it’s all about me me me!”
However. It strikes me as unusual that 99% of your guys “don’t even notice”… they don’t even ask or notice or care at all either way? That seems to me to be very selfish lovemaking behavior. While I do think a guy should accept and understand you and your body and what it can and can’t do once you have explained it to him, I think not caring at all is unacceptable.
I don’t know if it’s fair to look at from that perspective. I’ve been fortunate enough to never really have this issue in a relationship, but I would see myself as feeling like I was letting my partner down if she wasn’t climaxing….after reading these comments though, if I run into it in the future, I’ll just keep my mouth shut and see how it plays out over time.
This is how my boyfriend feels. And even though that’s awesome and considerate, it can get to the point where he refuses to be done with sex until he’s made me climax. When that happens, it’s like all the pressure is on me, which makes it next to impossible to relax enough to get there. I love that he wants me to feel good, but I don’t like feeling like it has to happen every single time for him to feel like he’s done a good job.
Concern is good – it shows you’re paying attention. Obsessing over it isn’t good, especially not if she’s telling you that she’s just not wired that way.
Yes, I think that’s the ultimate take away here, and something that this site has certainly taught me. Caring does count, and it’s not great if they don’t care at all… but on the flip side, you do have to accept that some people are built differently and you shouldn’t get your own ego overly caught up in their physiology to the detriment of their feelings.
You don’t have to bring it up. Just do your thing and don’t worry about it. He probably won’t notice, and most women don’t orgasm from sex every time anyway.
You could also consider talking to your Dr. I had the same problem with one of my meds. We switched medications, and I had the same anti-anxiety results without the side effects. Changing might not be necessary, either — sometimes reducing the dose can help as well.
I think there are two senarios here.
1- Casual sex. People you might sleep with a handful of times. I don’t think those people need to know about your medication situation. You don’t need to get all deep and heavy with someone you’ll only interact with a few times.
2- Relationship sex. These people need to know about your medication situation and why you were taking the meds. You don’t need to get into detail at first, just say you have panic attacks and leave it at that. There may be a situation where your anxiety rears its ugly head after you’re off the meds and your partner should be prepared for that.
Oddly, this might be a good thing. It sounds like you’re still in a fairly vulnerable place, so why don’t you make being about to talk about your anxiety issues and meds the litmus test for whether or not you’re ready to sleep with someone? It doesn’t have to be a novel, either. The level of detail you wrote above is perfectly appropriate to start out with: “I’m seeing a therapist and taking medication for anxiety, which is going really well except for one side-effect.” I agree with some of the commenters that this is all actually very common these days! And the fact that you’re hoping to go off the meds in the next year or so, as opposed to being orgasm-less forever, should help put this into context.
In my experience, most guys are very concerned about whether or not I get off and I’ve actually felt a lot of pressure to perform. It’s hard for me to get that comfortable with a guy, so in my last relationship I made it clear that even though I might not “get there” I’m still having a good time. If you tell a guy you respect him too much to fake it and want to be honest, and assure him that you’re enjoying sex with him, that’s a pretty big compliment. And if you do wind up getting serious with someone you can talk about how much you look forward to having lots and lots of orgasms with him later on.
Based on your letter, it doesn’t sound like you’re expecting to get in some serious relationship where you boyfriend should know about the fact that you’re taking anti-depressants for reasons other than how it might affect your sex life. Someone who is simply a sexual partner does not need to know details about your health (well, except for STDs) or the medications you’re taking so don’t feel like you owe them an explanation.
I don’t think you necessarily have to address your current inability to cum. As some have mentioned before, some guys won’t notice/ask/care/know if you finish or not. For some guys, however, your orgasm will be their only focus – some seem to take it as a challenge when they learn you can’t cum, even if it’s something completely out of their control, as in your situation. If you don’t want to fake it for these guys, I would try using lots of dirty talk – tell them how you want them to fill your pussy with their cum, how good they feel, etc…ways to help them finish.
Or if you feel the need to say something before getting hot & heavy, keep it simple: “Just a heads up, I’m not going to cum tonight; the medication I take prevents that from happening, but I’m really excited about how much fun we’re going to have!” Maybe follow up with something you want him to do with you to get things started, like “I can’t wait to feel your mouth on my tits!”
Hope this helps!
You have a few options here. Coming from someone who has been in this position, and currently takes a bevy of medications that can interfere with climax, and on the other side, has an SO that has taken medications that has interfered with his sexual performance (both good and bad), I can say this is both a blessing and a veiled curse.
You say you are going to be weened off the meds in the foreseeable future. Optimistically, you will be with someone before this happens. You could very well talk to your therapist about this and see what s/he says. You will want to discuss possible side effects from the weening off process anyways.
I’m not sure if you are planning on casual ONS’s (one night stands) or “hook ups” during the road to relationshipville, but the ONS/hook-up route usually has this fillip – a lot of guys don’t really notice if a woman has climaxed. Harsh, but true.
You can be honest, but vague with these types if they do actually ask. You enjoyed it, but you don’t climax during every sexual encounter. No woman does. No casual encounter need know of your medications.
If you are planning on a relationship with someone, then yes, they should be aware of your medication(s). If nothing else, out of emergency considerations. What happens if you were to get hit in a parking lot and needed emergency treatment and he didn’t know you were on it and they gave you something that conflicted with it and you got worse during the ambulance ride? If the guy runs because of it, well, he wasn’t worth your time or effort.
I also recommend that you NOT bring it up in any online dating profile, or at the first two dates.
I think it’s important to be honest about medications if you’re trying to build any type of serious relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, but about a month into our relationship we were on an extremely crowded metro car and I had a pretty severe panic attack (I ended up fainting). In the moment he was great about helping me, but after that we were kinda forced to have an honest conversation about some of my anxiety issues. If you don’t feel strong enough to be able to have that type of honest conversation with someone, it wouldn’t be wise to sleep with that person. As for your particular physical concern, it’s amazing what being comfortable in a relationship can do for that situation.
I would think you’d bring up your meds after you’ve been on a couple of dates with someone, but before you get intimate. By this, I mean, you don’t want to be dropping trou and saying, “Oh, by the way….”
I’d pick a time when you’re with the person you’re seeing – someone you’re into and you’re sure they’re into you – that’s not sexually charged, and talk about your medical history and meds. Just be relaxed and matter of fact about your health (“I think I should let you know I’m on anti-anxiety meds and have been for a while. My treatment’s going well, but sometimes it interferes with my ability to perform or get aroused.”) then listen to and watch his reaction. Hopefully, the guy will be cool about it and open with you about how he feels. This would also be a good time to discuss STDs, condoms, and all the other awkward stuff that comes with becoming sexually involved with someone.
If he’s not cool and open (or worse, seems like it then pulls a Houdini on you), well, it may be awkward and a little sad, but at least you are free to go out there and find that one gem who will be cool and open with and for you. Don’t get discouraged, and know that all will be well.
Good luck!