Your Turn: “Why is He Sleeping With Me if He Doesn’t Want to Date Me?”

63 Comments

1. I am so sorry you’ve had so much going on in your life. In answer to your last question, it’s because you allow him to. He’s taking advantage of you and your confusion between sex and love. He is telling you what you want to hear because it gets him what he wants: no strings attached sex.

   It’s time to move on. I really, really recommend that you spend some time just with you — you have enough on your plate without worrying about a relationship. And next time? Don’t make it all about “him”, whoever “he” is — it’s time for you to evaluate what you get out of the relationship first.

   Good luck to you.

2. I’m really sorry for your loss. Seriously, after reading that I kind of just want to hug you, because I can’t even imagine the pain of losing your mother the way you did.

   You really need to take time away from this guy. Not a little time, but forever time. He’s getting what he wants out of you–sex– and you’re getting nothing. He has hurt you over and over again, and he’s just told you point blank that he isn’t ready to commit to anyone right now. And, to be honest, he’s probably telling you all of the things you want to hear because he knows what a vulnerable state you’re in right now. Lose him and please focus on healing yourself. You need to surround yourself with supportive people right now, not people who will take advantage of you.

3. So he has cheated on you, and on his current girlfriend, and you want to know if he loves you? No he doesn’t really love you, he is a major player, and seems to be pretty good at it. Don’t drag this thing out for years, because you two probably aren’t meant for each other. Also a guy doesn’t go from “who really knows if you will be with someone forever” to “You’re the one for me” in the same conversation and really means it. He is basically saying everything you want to hear so he can still cheat on his girlfriend with you, and keep you in his back pockent incase this other girl finds outs.

   1. I think you nailed it.

   2. WBS

   3. I think you pretty much summed it up!

4. LW – why are you with this man? He treats your horribly (cheated on you and now is cheating on his new girlfriend WITH you). I imagine a lot of this comes down to the pain you experienced with your mother’s death, but a toxic and unfulfilling relationship is not going to help. Loose his number and MOA. Maybe seek out help from a support group for family members of suicide victims. The American Association of Suicidology has a list of such support groups on their website divided by state.

5. sometimes you just have to let things die, you know? this relationship is dead, so let it be. you started out with issues (your mother’s suicide, which while is not *your* issue, brings a different type of issue to a new relationship), he brought his own issues with cheating and lying, then you both stir the pot by breaking up but keep having ex-sex even though he is involved with someone else…. LW, this is a disaster. just let it die, let it be. forget him. you have your own issues that you need to work through, and i would recommend tackling those on your own before trying to pick through the crumbs of this failed relationship.

6. I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. There are so many mixed feelings when someone takes their own life. That being said, you need to stop talking to this guy and cut off all contact. He’s not good for you. He cheated on you, and now he’s dating a 16 YEAR OLD GIRL. She’s a girl. Not a woman. And though it may be legal in a lot of states, its not ethically OK for 90% of people in America. He’s sleeping with you because you are letting him, but in no way does it mean you’ll get back together. Plus, he pretty much told you that you aren’t the one. And that’s OK, because you are only 20 years old. There’s no rush. You have so much going on in your life, so please just take some time to process your feelings about your mother and focus on school.

   1. I read it as she/ex bf are 24, and the new girl is 20. I REALLY hope the new girl is not 16.

      If so, another reason he is a sleazebag and MOA.

   2. i thought she was 16 at first too and then i thought she was 20 and they were 24 like Sheryl, makes quite the big difference in this story! dating a 16 yr old when you’re 20 makes me think you’re probably just a tad immature and potentially illegal depending on where he lives.

   3. I didn’t think about the 16 option until I saw your post. I actually prefer that to this girl being 24. This letter is super naive. I hope she’s 20. And the boy sound ridiculously immature as well. This letter makes me less sad if they’re all four years younger than I originally though.

   4. Ahhh I ok, I thought she was saying that her and the boyfriend are 20, so the new girl would be 16. But a 24 year old and a 20 year old is still a big difference in terms of maturity sometimes.

7. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. As already stated, this guy is taking advantage of you, and lying to you (and the other woman). And you need to put a stop to it.

   You really need to get away from this guy and fix yourself first. You mentioned couples counseling, but you didn’t say if you were in therapy alone. You really need to speak to someone about your mother’s suicide and get your own stuff together before you can responsibly date someone else.

   Beginning of relationships can be difficult to navigate under normal circumstances, and you are not in the right frame of mind to start a new relationship until you are confident in yourself, know what you want, communicate it to a potential significant other, and then enforce it.

8. He’s committing statutory rape by sleeping with a 16 year old.
   I’m sorry about what happened to your mother. I almost lost my mother to suicide, she was minutes from deaths door and was in a coma for weeks. Its agonizing thinking I should have been there for her but add depressed as she was no one could have stopped her. I took her brain three years to recover from her o.d. Her speech was slurred and she couldn’t say the right things.
   This guy has drama written all over it. I think anyone can do better than to be with a guy who cheats on them within the first two months of being in a relationship.

   1. I think you misread her meaning. The LW worded it rather strangely, but I’d bet that the LW is 24. And so the new GF is 20…

      1. She seems too immature for a 24 year old.

9. LW, I’m very sorry about your mother. That’s a horrible, difficult thing to go through & I hope you find a way to get counseling of your own (if you haven’t already)

   Now. As for this guy. Your feelings of love for him aren’t really rational. This happens sometimes–we fall & attach ourselves to people who are totally wrong for us. So think with the part of your brain that KNOWS this guy ISN’T “the one” for you, & act based on that. I mean, he’s cheated on you, lied to you, dicked you around, & is keeping you on a hook while dating another girl (who is way too young for him, & by the way, he’s now cheating on her, too. Not a good guy!)

   You ask why he’s still hooking up with you if he doesn’t want to be with you.The answer, unfortunately, is that it’s convenient. You’ve flat-out told him the only reason you’re still around is because you believe he’s the one for you– so why would he make you go away by outright telling you the truth? That he doesn’t feel the same way? Look, even if he DOES–in some distant way–feel that you’re “the one”, he clearly has no plans on working towards being with you. So, yes– he is playing a game.

   “‘Who really knows if you’ll be with someone forever?'” –he has said this. This is how he really feels– he is NOT a person who believes in “the one.” Save yourself the confusion & pain by breaking things off completely.

10. Honey he is using you. Don’t confuse sex with love.

    Please cut this scum bag out of your life and get yourself into some counseling/therapy. Understandibly you seem to have some pretty deap trust issues and I think it would be in your best interest to take a step back from the dating world and get yourself healthy.

11. To answer your question:

    Because he can.

    1. You took the words out of my mouth.

       1. must have been while you were kissing me!
          sorry, couldn’t help put in a Meatloaf reference…

    2. Mine, too.

    3. Yup.

       LW – he is having sex with you without a relationship because you are letting him. Unfortunately sometimes we come across people in life who we have to demand respect from because they are too messed up to freely respect others. He has made it very clear that he will say whatever he wants to get you to continue having sex with him. If you want to quit having sex with him without commitment quit having sex with him without commitment.

       1. “Unfortunately sometimes we come across people in life who we have to demand respect from because they are too messed up to freely respect others.”

          I think that’s very profound.

    4. This is a clever variation of what I was going to say…

       Because you’re hot.

       1. Gee, my first impulse was to say, “Look down there between your legs, honey….that is why.” I’ve been a 20 year old man ( or 24, not much difference) and speak from experience.

    5. That’s exactly what I was thinking while reading this.

       LW, the guy’s a cheat. He’s not “the one for you.” Move on.

12. Well, I was thinking you were 24 and the new girl was 20, but this letter makes more sense if you are 20. I’m really sorry about your mom, but that’s not what you asked for advice about. The answer to your first question is: THIS IS A GAME. This guy is a douche. He cheated on you two months into your relationship and now he’s cheating on his new girlfriend. The advice is the same whether the new girlfriend is 16 or 20. Cut off all contact with this boy forever. Delete his number, delete his Facebook. Really, you should block him on both counts as well.
    After you do that, go speak to a qualified therapist. This is not healthy behavior in any sense of the word and it sounds like you don’t have a very good network of support. Anybody who can seriously ask the question, “Why would he stop talking to me and then start up again and hook up with me?” and think that someone would only do that if they cared about you, should not be dating. Get some perspective. Aim higher.

13. The situation described by the LW is very similar to last week’s :“It’s Been Two Years and He Still Hasn’t Introduced Me to His Kids.” That is, the man is quite happy with the status quo, and evidences no desire/intent to change.

    Sadly, the man is not LW’s boyfriend; she is merely one of his booty calls.

14. i’m very sorry for the loss of your mother. have you reached out and found someone to talk to since that happened? it sounds like you would benefit tremendously by having someone to talk to about your mother’s suicide.

    you say you were completely in love, but were you? it doesn’t sound like you had the best 8 months of a relationship possible. maybe you’ve convinced yourself that it was true, but from your description it does not sound like it.

    and now it’s very evident that he no longer loves you. it sounds like he’s telling you what you want to hear so that you’ll keep having sex with him. you’re both young with a lot of life ahead of you, why waste it on someone that doesn’t want to give you what you want from a relationship.

    i would also say that it sounds like you could benefit from time being single. focus on healing and figuring out what it is that you want out of life and a relationship. pursue school and whatever else it is you want. eventually you will find someone but your ex doesn’t sound like the right guy.

15. “why is he sleeping with me if he doesn’t want to date me” – the answer is because he can. And he can because you let him. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. The last thing you need right now in your life is a person like this guy to confuse and manipulate you. Please dump him immediately. I understand it’s an especially hard time for you right now but this person will just drag you down. Cut him off and focus on healing yourself.

16. I think a lot of people assume that other people want the same things they do- In your case, you’re assuming this guy wants a relationship with you. He doesn’t. It’s that simple, you don’t need to read into his actions at all. He does NOT want a relationship with you. He’s a young guy in his 20’s and he just wants to hook up. It really is that simple. If you’re not ok with just hooking up with him, NSA, then you need to MOA and find someone who is looking for the same things you are.

17. It is not possible, dear LW, that a liar and a cheat is the man of your dreams. Knowing that you are vulnerable after the tragic death of your mom, this guy has no problem at all lying to you, cheating on you, and using you. There is nothing that can excuse his behavior.
    Your mother’s choice to suicide is a heavy burden to bear and you must take time out to process it and learn to be okay without the distraction of a bad relationship with someone who doesn’t support you. No matter what words come out of his mouth, his actions say he doesn’t care, so kick him to the curb and do what it takes to heal and build up your self-worth through therapy or a survivor’s group. Along with all the other moms on here, I’m sure, I’m sending you warm hugs and a lot of hope for your bright future. Go get it, girl!

18. A lot of younger guys will happily have sex with any reasonably attractive woman who is available. They are more selective in whom they date. That requires both more effort and expense as well as increasing the odds of being caught by the current gf, with whom he is cheating by banging you. He dumped you. He got a new gf. You’re his booty call. MOA.

    I can’t imagine what internal demons led your mother to take her own life, but I doubt she did it to hurt you. Likely she hung on longer than she might have for your sake. You should give yourself time to grieve the loss of your mother and try not to think of what she did as a betrayal of you. Counseling might help.

    I don’t get your feeling that you could pick fights with your bf and treat him badly, while expecting him to stay with you forever. That is unrealistic. The time comes when you have to make the choice to either dump a bf or forgive a betrayal. Continuing to make him be the only one still actively in your relationship, while groveling for your forgiveness and reattachment to the relationship has a very short shelf life.

    Did he betray you? Did you have a commitment to exclusivity at the time? You don’t mention any promises made between the two of you in the first two months. If there weren’t any and this was, as you say, a visit set up prior to meeting you, then I don’t think he really betrayed you. Another six months after that is a long time to be half-way in a relationship and demanding he be in full grovel mode. I’m not surprised he dumped you. It doesn’t sound like you really wanted him anyway.

    I don’t think the two of you were ever ‘completely in love’. Not after two months if he got it on with his old friend and certainly not on your part after that. You likely were grasping for support after the loss of your mother and he was it. Your emotional state made your attachment to him seem like more than it was, on both sides.

19. Just from reading the headline I think she shouldn’t be asking Wendy “Why is he sleeping with me if he doesn’t want to date me?” but “Why am I sleeping with him if he doesn’t want to date me?”

    1. Yes!

       1. Indeed. Also, not to be too harsh, but can we please point out that she describes herself as “feeling betrayed” by his cheating on her with another woman, whereas she KNOWS about his current girlfriend and is sleeping with him anyway? That’s just a douche move, in my opinion. It’d be one thing if you discovered this, stopped the sex, and wrote the letter here, but the letter doesn’t sound like that’s the case; it sounds like she knows and just thinks that because “he’s the one for me” it’s OK to be a participant in the cheating.

          So, yeah, you should walk away. Forget about your feelings or his feelings or whatever; walk away because it’s unfair to be a part of hurting his current girlfriend.

       2. “can we please point out that she describes herself as “feeling betrayed” by his cheating on her with another woman, whereas she KNOWS about his current girlfriend and is sleeping with him anyway?”

          Seriously. You’re helping him do the very thing that he did to hurt you!! What??

20. So here is what you know. You have made it clear to your ex that you want to be with him but all he wants from you is no strings attached sex…while he has a girlfriend. You know that YOU want a relationship and he isn’t interested. Sweetie – that is all you need to know. As others have mentioned, he has sex with you because he can – and because YOU LET HIM. He doesn’t sound like boyfriend material so be grateful that he is being honest with you and showing you exactly who he is. As for what he SAYS – that doesn’t matter. Talking is easy – it means nothing. Judge him by his actions…and ONLY by his actions.

21. I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

    I think you should move on from him. You need someone who is able to support you emotionally. Unfortunately from your description of him, I don’t believe he is able to provide that. It sounds as though you’ve made it clear that you want to be in a monogamous relationship with him, in both your previous and and current relationship. Unfortunately, he is unable to give you what you need. Waiting around for him to “make a decision” is not only unfair to you, but it is also likely to lead to another heartbreak.

    I would also seek counseling about the loss of your mother if you have not done so already. You may still be vulnerable and need help dealing with your feeling of betrayal.

22. LW, it also seems you blame yourself completely for the breakup. “But the betrayal from my mother and then the betrayal from him proved to be too much for me, and I picked fights with him and ultimately took him for granted because I thought he would stick by my side through anything.” Then after he broke things off, he didn’t want anything to do with you until he found someone new, and could cheat on her with you. This guy is manipulative. He has cheated and treated you badly and caused you to believe it is your fault he did so. Don’t take the blame for his actions. But recognize that what he did, combined with the death of your mother, caused strife in your relationship, which both of you handled poorly. I fail to understand why you would even want to be with someone who treats you the way he has.

23. I’m sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. Guys (and many people in general) enjoy sex regardless of whether there is love attached to it. So, if he can get it while not committing to you, then he will. Don’t mistake someone’s desire to have sex with you as anything more than that.

24. The question is- why do you want to be with him? This boy (he’s not a man) cheated on you- 2 months in! That’s a red flag if there ever was one. He wasn’t interested in a relationship to begin with, he just wanted someone to sleep with him without having to work at it. That, my dear, is why you need to stop. Stop all communication with him, stop looking at his FB, and every time you think about him immediately start thinking about spiders. That shiver you get- that’s what you want when you think about him.

    Right now- focus on you! Get grief counselling if you haven’t. I’m very sorry at the loss of your mother. That must be one of the worst blows that life can throw at you, please don’t think that you have to heal from that alone. Lean on friends, family that you are close to, and please find a professional that you can talk to about all those complicated feelings that come with such a tragedy. Besides all that, forget about this guy and all guys for the time being. This needs to be your time to shine without some guy making it complicated. Get your hair done, do your nails, work out, go out with friends, get busy in your hobbies. Whatever you do, don’t sit at home and don’t sit still. If you keep yourself busy it will be easier to distract yourself from the fact he exists.

    A word for future relationships- no matter how much you like a guy- if he fucks up that badly before you are even really committed, walk away. You need to hold yourself to higher standards. If you don’t put up with that kind of shit then guys won’t try to pull it with you. Really, truly, even if you think he’s the one, if he cheats/lies/doesn’t go down you will get over him! There is bigger and better out there and if you are a good person who treats people well then you deserve it. Good luck, dear.

    1. I agree with much of what you said, but I do want to point out that we don’t even really know if they were “committed” at that 2 month mark… I could totally see this LW as going out on a few dates with this guy and then just assuming that he’s her boyfriend, when in reality they’ve had no discussion about being exclusive.

       1. That’s true. We have no way of knowing if the LW is giving us an accurate portrayal of what went on. She likely isn’t because every situation is different to each person in it. All we have though is her version of the relationship so I’m going to take her word for it. It’s all I have to go on. Although if he did work really hard at trying to “fix” their relationship then that says to me that they were committed in his eyes and that he felt he was in the wrong. If they weren’t serious and still in the seeing-other-people stage then why would be go to counselling about it? It would be a lot easier for him to just say “hey, I didn’t know you thought we were exclusive, you never said anything.”

25. LW, he isn’t the one for you. I’m very sorry about your mom. Please seek therapy and work on yourself before you attempt a romantic relationship. You are looking for a distraction from your pain and are putting your energy into someone who isn’t giving you anything in return. You have been through a lot this past year and need to figure out where you are before you can figure out where you’re headed.

    Also, please don’t feel responsible for what your mother did to herself, we have no control over what someone else does, we only have control over our own reactions. Now is the time for you to heal, not open your wound even more by having this leech in your life.

26. “A word for future relationships- no matter how much you like a guy- if he fucks up that badly before you are even really committed, walk away. You need to hold yourself to higher standards. If you don’t put up with that kind of shit then guys won’t try to pull it with you. Really, truly, even if you think he’s the one, if he cheats/lies/doesn’t go down you will get over him! There is bigger and better out there and if you are a good person who treats people well then you deserve it”

    Huh? When a relationship is new and “before you are even really committed” there is, by definition, no commitment to exclusivity. In dating somebody new, even somebody whom you like a lot, there is a time for transitioning out of existing dating relationships. It is unrealistic, self-defeating, and basically unfair to assume that because a guy goes out on a date with you and you agree to sex, that this means you are exclusive. It doesn’t. It just means you both wanted to, or at least were willing to, have sex. This is the sort of confusion out of fwb relationships that has led to so many letters on this site. You are not exclusive unless you’ve had the discussion and you’ve both agreed to that status. Until that point, either party is free to date and have sex with other people.

    If you don’t want to experience being ‘cheated on’ by someone you had sex with, then never have sex until you get to know the other person enough to have the exclusivity talk. That’s really fairly simple.

    1. I was assuming that by two months in, she’s counting from when they had the exclusivity talk. Yes, if they’re just screwing and casual about it then it’s not cheating.

       1. I also should have been more clear about what I meant by “really committed.” There are levels of commitment and I was referring to AFTER you commit to being exclusive but BEFORE merging your lives together (moving in, engagement, getting a dog, etc)

    2. I so TOTALLY agree with this… I so, so agree.

27. I am very sorry for your loss. *hug*

    But when it comes to the guy, I can’t help to notice a pattern. You became his gf, then he had a thing with his ex. He found a new gf, he cheated on her with you. It looks like he’s never satisfied with just one person, he needs two. Maybe he should try polyamory, since he’s so bad at being monogamous. And you, LW, should ask yourself if you’d be ok with it.

28. LW, you talk about the betrayal you felt with your mom mixed into the betrayal you felt at what your boyfriend did to you. I think that you’re right, but in another way. I think the betrayal and hurt you feel with your mom is maybe causing you to feel as though you need affection and love from a guy who really doesn’t deserve it.

    I am so sorry about what happened to you. I really hope you are in counseling now, looking into ways to help yourself heal, because no one could fully recover from something like that without help.

    I’m really worried that because this guy came into your life at a very tough vulnerable, and transitional time for you, his presence was given much more significance than it should have. At another time in your life, I think it would be easier to see that this guy is a cheating douchenozzle who uses women to satisfy himself and he will only tell you want you want to hear to get what he wants from you, just like he’s doing to his (OH MY GOD HOPEFULLY NOT 16 YEAR OLD) girlfriend.

    Its just a game to him. He wants every ounce of attention he can scrape from women, and that’s why he still kept plans to sleep with that woman after two months of having “feelings” for you. He would rather hurt you and his new girlfriend to get laid more than not hurt you. Think about it LW, he cheated on you 4 MONTHS after you lost your mom. What kind of monster does that? How could he hurt you like that knowing how hurt you already were? How can he LIE to you now about saying you’re the one to get you to sleep with him knowing that he is taking advantage of your fragile state even now?

    Being with this guy will stall your healing process and if anything, will keep you reverting to a time in your life you have to move on from. Stop contacting him and please get some counseling so guys like this can’t sneak into your heart.

    1. Also, you mentioned that you were trying to get back in school and I know that process for me was and is really tight budget wise, so I know how hard it is to justify a counseling when you don’t have a lot of spare money or time. and might be good places to start, but even googling your town and “low-income counseling” will get you some resources. If you are in college now you can also use their counseling services. Think of this as your priority LW, counseling will show you how to work towards your goals better than even college alone could.

    2. SarahKat – I think the whole grieving process and relationship getting all mixed up is so, so true. Our brains do weird things with strong emotions. Around the time my grandfather died, I was also in the middle of extricating myself from a very painful breakup. And in an inexplicable way, it was like because the death was so painful and the ex was really good to listen and commiserate (he also lost his father the same semester), if I let go of the ex that somehow cheapened the grieving process for my grandfather. That guy also had some questionable fidelity, and it was like if I admitted he was a horndog who had treated me like shit, I was also, I don’t know, not really genuine in my grief for my grandfather. It doesn’t make any sense, I know, but it was like the relationship really ending and my getting over it made my grandfather even more gone than he was. Even now, I can’t think about either that guy or my grandfather’s death without remembering the other. And my grandfather died of cancer at a very old age, whereas LWs mother was much younger and had a much more painful death, so I can’t imagine how LW couldn’t get a little mixed up and confused and just…I dunno, hurting everywhere about everything.

29. My answer to your question basically echoes what others have said: Because he can. And right now, you are letting him. Now, you might be ok with this situation but I get the feeling you want more from him, but I don’t think you’re going to get it. He’s telling you what you want to hear, and in return, he gets what he wants.

30. LW, I encourage you to listen to the commenters here. I have nothing to add, but wanted to send some love to the commenters for the general good advice and support you’re putting out there. I <3 the DW community =)

31. Sweetie, I’m going to let you in on a not-so-secret: If you’re going to allow “free” sex to happen, it will fucking happen. This guy considers you an easy lay. He can sway you with “What could have been” or “what we had” conversations and lull you out of your panties. He’ll stop talking to you as soon as you stop dropping your lacy little drawers.

    You’re 24. If memory serves, a “go-go dancer” is nothing more than a stripper that keeps her bikini on. He cheated on you, and now you’re the one he’s cheating with. Have some respect for yourself and cut ties with this guy.
    I realize that you are still reeling from the sudden death of your mother. I get that. It’s time to find a counselor who can help you get your life back on track. Make sure you stay in college so you aren’t a washed up go-go dancer who can only make it with minimum wage jobs. Avoid relationships and sex until you’re head’s on right.

32. Honey, here’s a little test you might like to perform. If he’s the one for you and you’re the one for him, it’s not going to kill either of you to give up sex for a month. It’ll be a good chance for him to prove that you’re more to him than just a convenient lay. Naturally you’ll still spend the time together, but you’ll be spending it vertically rather than horizontally. You’ll get to talk, have dinner, go on bike rides, and generally spend time together.

    I predict he will not accept this challenge. That should tell you everything you need to know.

33. umm,

    PRO = banging a stripper with no strings attached..
    CON = some crazy to deal with, cant think of anything else

34. At the two months we weren’t exclusive and I knew that my problem and what messed everything up was that he lied to me about where he was going that weekend and whenever he would see a text that I text a customer from my job he would get so mad at me and tell me why are you doing that I haven’t been texting or had sex with anyone since I met you but your over here texting these men from your job. That’s why I was so mad when I found out what he did

35. The girl is 20, we are 24 sorry for the confusion

36. I really appreciate what you had to say oldie! Thank you

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