Dear Miles: “Should I Change My Name?”
By popular request, Miles has agreed to bless us with his presence today and answer a few letters from his mailbox:
My name is Karen but I think of myself as more of a “Veronica”! I always wear red lipstick, I like to cuss and I know where it’s at! I once got so dunk I ate a box of cigarettes! Here’s my question: I recently left a staff position and now work freelance. Should I close out my 401k and open a Roth IRA instead? Also, what are your thoughts on zero coupon bonds? Catch ya later! — Karen
Dear Karen,
I like to sit in a chair on the balcony. It’s so much fun! I can look at the trees and the flowers and take long naps in the shade. Sometimes I walk right to the edge of the balcony and peek my head through the bars of the railing. I think of what it would be like to be an airline pilot. To command the respect of my passengers and crew. After a long flight maybe we’d all head to the hotel bar, have some drinks and tell funny stories. I would still be wearing my uniform and I would put my pilot’s cap on the bar right next to my drink.
I am not a religious man but I fear my soul is in danger. Do you believe in eternal damnation or do you think, for better or worse, we live in a senseless universe where the only law is chaos? Also, do you or your readers have any suggestions on how to remove bloodstains from a car trunk or quickly dispose of a large body? I am in the desert but without a shovel and my car battery is dying. Just askin’. — Andrew Condell
Dear Andrew,
I eat too much food and I eat it much too quickly. I can’t stop myself. I eat especially fast when I am nervous. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately. THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE WALLS! I KNOW THERE IS!
I am now in the bathroom as a punishment for meowing too loudly. I didn’t even realize I was doing that. Am I so far gone I can no longer hear my own meows? What have I become?
Is 14 too many? Gary says it is, but Gary says a lot of things. Gary also used to think he was the smartest kid in school even though he almost got left behind in Ms. Berrelson’s class. He is right about some things, I suppose. Maybe 14 is too many. But I don’t think it is. — Evelyn
Dear Evelyn,
I ate a leaf off the plant by the window sill. I feel terrible. I wish I knew how to read and write. If I knew how to read and write I would enter the New Yorker cartoon caption contest every week! I would write some really funny captions believe you me! I have to lie down for a while. I feel lousy.
***************
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Yay for Miles! But stop eating plant leaves, you don’t know where they’ve been!
Love, Bubbacats
Dear Miles,
I drank my chai tea latte too fast. Now my stomach feels horrible. Should I eat a leaf off my plant to make me feel better? Or maybe like down under my desk?
Dear Miles,
I’m also a cat and I also eat too quickly. And then I yak.
Sincerely,
Sprocket
Yay, Miles! We’ve missed you! Stellar advice, as usual.
Dear Miles,
I am about to purchase a condo and my new boyfriend, Charming Fucker, is/was really upset with me. He thinks the place is stupid, the neighborhood is stupid, the price is stupid, and that I’m stupid for wanting to buy it. We had a good long talk about things, and, as it turns out, “things” has nothing to do with the condo. To make a long story short, *things* has to do with this and that. But we communicated (for a long ass time), and now things are really, really good. I think. The Charming Fucker is very complicated. And holy shit, I am exhausted.
Also, why do all the cats I know never let me pet their bellies? Is that where they are hiding their daggers for when they revolt and kill off the humans?
Love, AP.
So he’s officially your boyfriend???
I think labels were discussed last week. But I have this new theory: I can call him my boyfriend all I want, and me his girlfriend, but, until I feel comfortable calling him whenever I want, even if I called last, and showing up unannounced whenever I want, then he’s not really my boyfriend. I mean, I can respect the exclusivity of the label – I’m not dating anyone else and I don’t want to – but I also don’t feel comfortable smothering him just yet. Isn’t that a good rule of them? When you feel like you can smother the shit out of them and they won’t dump you, *then* you’ve made it. Right?
Eh, I don’t know, I can’t seem to follow any rules these days. I’m all over the board. The point is, yes, he’s officially my boyfriend. But what does that even mean?! I have no idea what it means. Until I can smother him whenever I want, and as smotheringly as I want, he’s not really my boyfriend, right? So, I dunno what he is. He’s just “the guy I really like and am seeing exclusively and I’d rather do nothing with him than something with someone else.” I’m not sure if “boyfriend” is what that is. I don’t know what anything is. I know I am tired.
You know, I think that you are secretly my sister-in-law. The one thats not pissing me off right now.
Is this SIL of yours – the ont that’s not pissing you off right now — is she really smart and good-looking?!
Absolutely. She’s also a paramedic, so she saves lives! She used to tell my husband before we got married that if he didn’t marry me, she would!
I was MIA for a few days… Must have missed that one!
Yeah, I know what you mean… I agree that there’s a difference between only seeing eachother, but also having that sort of intimacy/trust, that you’re not going to scare them away when they realize how crazy you are! (I’m still waiting for my husband to figure it out and run away!)
It’s never about what its about!
It’s usually about the guy needing his ego massaged a bit. Such delicate little things they are. But we do it so they’ll put out. (Sigh.)
I think he was upset because he wants to help pick the condo & then move in with you already 😉
And yep, my cat always adorably displays her belly for me, only to claw my hand & bite me when I go to pet it.
One of mine does the same thing! It’s not fair! his belly looks so soft, I just want to rub my face over it.
My cat actually lets me rub my face in it (best thing ever!). I have to be very careful to judge his mood though 🙂
Yeah my cat likes her belly rubbed for exactly 17 and a half seconds and then it’s OMG STOP TOUCHING THE CAT NOW BLOOD EVERYWHERE OMG.
It’s a trap! http://theoatmeal.com/comics/kitty_pet
Haha. When Zeke exposes his belly to me, I’ve always called it the bear trap. I thought I was creative, but I guess other people have thought of it too.
Haha, so true! My cat gets the crazy eyes.
So Mr.Textalot is now The Charming Fucker? And he is your “boyfriend” ? Nice!!!
About cats and bellies. Uhm, I don’t know why some cats don’t like to be pet there. My cat Caine doesn’t mind where you pet him as long as you are petting him. But he is a very weird cat and he loves to cuddle and be pet. My other 2 cats don’t like it very much and they will warn you with a soft bite that they don’t want their bellies touched.
Dear Miles,
I’ve never eaten a plant, but I like to eat carpet. I love pulling on it until I get attention from my mom. Sometimes the carpet gets stuck in my teeth. My mom moved us into a place with hardwoods, so now I can only do this on the area rugs but it doesn’t work as well!Please tell my mom to give me more carpet.
Thanks,
Summer
Dear Miles,
Can I call you S’Miles? Cuz you makes me smiles =)
Dear Miles,
The best part of the plant is underneath the dirt. We knock the plants over and chew the tasty treats and then puke up the leftovers in our humans’ bed so they can share. For some reason they get mad when we do this. I bet it would help your stomach if you ate some bread, they probably hide it in your house too, but don’t worry it’s not hard to get to.
Even though you’re a cat and we’re dogs we wouldn’t try to chase and kill you like we do the mean, unrefined cats in our neighborhood. We would like to chat with you over a cup of this coffee our humans refuse to share with us.
-Cajun and Lady
dear miles,
i got free tonight, it was an amazing experience. the wind was rushing through my fur and i got to chase after so many cats err squirrels, yeah no cats were harmed tonight. my human came out with no bra on she seemed to be pretty angry about this, not my fault she didn’t take the time to get dressed! now i’m in trouble. oh freedom, sweet freedom you will be mine again.
they still won’t share the coffee or the ice cream.
-cajun
Hi Miles! This is exactly what I needed.
And Drew, what have you gotten yourself into??
Ice cold water, Mr. Condell. We may never speak of this again.
Thanks! It worked great!
We love you Miles! Have missed your kitty point of view!
Mary and Hank and Tegan (newfies)
Dear Miles,
My monkeything Sarah was late with my breakfast this morning again. I think she was upset with me because she caught me sharpening my nails on her neck last night while she slept…..again. Doesn’t she know that I stop when I draw blood? Why isn’t there trust in our home?
She keeps kicking me out of the bedroom too because I like to throw up hairballs in her closet where all of her fancy dresses and heirlooms are. But today she only closed the door, she didn’t lock it. I just threw up all over her winter coat. God that felt good.
-Daphne
Too funny 🙂 And ahh, one of mine likes to throw up directly on my shoes. There will be a huge amount of empty floor space around my shoes, but nope. always on the shoes.
Hahaha, yes WHY? Back when my boyfriend and I first moved in he had to get used to be being a cat owner for the first time, so my cat Daphne decided to haze him by throwing up on his laptop. His open laptop.
Ewwww… I was thinking about getting a cat and this convinced me not to!
Dear Miles
I injured my tail about a month ago. Normally I hold it straight up behind me (my mom calls it “periscope tail” but I don’t know what that means), but then I did something and it was dangling all limp by my side. I wouldn’t tell mom what I did, and I can’t even remember now… Mom almost cancelled her vacation, but the vet said nothing was broken (after an $80 x-ray). I had to take really yukky cherry medicine (another $25). Why doesn’t cat medicine come in tuna or porkchop or pizza flavor?? My tail is almost better. The vet thinks I pulled a muscle. Sometimes mom still looks at me like she’s worried. I’m like “whatever mom, I’M A MAN.”
-Gus
Mom’s are like that, but you can milk it for months. I speak from experience.
~ Little Bit
Hi Miles!! It’s great to see you back answering letters!!
Hi, everyone. I am waiting to eat dinner so I decided to check the website and see if anyone left me any treats to eat. I mean messages to read.
I was busy all afternoon lying on the chair on the balcony. I also ate a leaf. Then I took a nap. I feel exhausted now. I hope Wendy gives me dinner soon.
Oh dear Miles, you’ve been in the catnip again big time. Nothing really wrong with that but you could share, you could, you could. What bar will you be at in uniform. We could howl into the wee hours…