Dear Wendy Updates: “Unsure Girlfriend” AKA “#18” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Unsure Girlfriend,” also known as #18 from this post, a woman whose boyfriend had been MIA for two weeks and who was unable to track him down since he had no phone, she didn’t know his friends well enough to call them, and he had guard dogs at his house that made it scary for her to drop by. Telling her to MOA was a no-brainer, but after the jump find out whether she followed that advice.
I’ve refrained from sending an update because things still haven’t quite settled down with us yet, but once I saw your “20 Signs you need to MOA!” article, I had a nice laugh and realized just how many people wanted an update on our story. And to answer the question I saw a few times: yes this is (was) my real situation, as much as I hate to admit it.
First though, there were a few points that weren’t clear in my letter. At the time, the family that he lived with was his sister, her boyfriend, and his niece, and they lived right next door to his parents, due to financial woes. I know for an absolute fact that he’s not married, or has any kids whatsoever. Although he has one sweet pit bull, the dogs that terrified me were his roommates’ three pit bulls who have tried to attack me when I’ve gone over there, and were tied to the front porch so I couldn’t go up to his house. Also, although I had met his family a few times, I just feel very strongly about not using a family member as a middleman if you don’t know them on a more personal level, so I didn’t want to call his dad asking what was going on.
Now, though I’m sure everyone’s wondering why my boyfriend disappeared for two weeks and I didn’t hear from him, I think it’s best that I leave that part out. Not because I think I’m stupid for believing his story, but because it’s an incredibly long (but verifiable) story, and is also very unbelievable. I went over to his house after being encouraged by a close mutual friend (with full intent to end our relationship), and when I heard what had been going on, I had extreme doubts, but realized soon after that it was 100% true. Because of what was going on, his sister, her daughter and boyfriend (and their dogs) had to move out and into hiding and are each currently looking at a 15 to life sentence. I’m just very thankful right now that my boyfriend was not involved in any of the incidents, though I was quite right to worry about him.
He’s currently living in their house — with his best friend now, whom I’ve made it a point to become close with — and now I feel completely comfortable going over there. Although it was unclear in my original letter, my boyfriend and I actually have many mutual friends, just no one who could have helped me get in touch with him. I’ve even made it a point to become closer to some of his family members. Though he still does not own a phone (can’t afford it — he can barely afford food and gas at the moment), his new roommate does, and after his dad called me a couple times looking for him, I now feel more comfortable calling him if ever I have to to get in touch.
Though I am very cautious and still pretty unsure about things after he disappeared for those two weeks, I made it clear that I would never put up with it again, no matter what, and for the most part things are better, and nothing like that has happened since. I know many people will consider it a bad move on my part to stay with him after all this, and a huge part of me agrees and wonders if and when he’ll disappear again. But we’re taking things day by day, and I’m hoping that I never have to write to you about him pulling a stunt like this again, but if he does, I’ll definitely MOA like you and everyone else screamed at me to do the first time.
Ohhh-kay.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Ummm, really?! I think that if he had to go MIA for two weeks because of the shennanigans caused by his brother, etc., I would be terrified! Even if he wasn’t “involved” the fact that his brother had to go into hiding, is facing jail time, and her bf still lives in the same house seems very dangerous!
And really – what kind of moral charachter does this schmuck have if he was associating with people that could be facing significant prison time – why didn’t he turn them in???????
They’re family. You don’t rat out family.
no… you don’t murder people.
I don’t I agree with this as a blanket statement that always applies, but yeah, there is something to be said for protecting those we love even if we know they are screwing up. If you think it would be easy to turn loved ones in for a crime, it’s probably because you haven’t faced that choice before.
Besides, we can’t presume to know what the charges are or the cirmcumstances. It’s very easy to judge from a distance. Either way, however, the LW would be wise to back out of this dramatic family’s mess ASAP.
15 years to life in prison indicates that whatever crime occurred is a class A felony which can be a broad number of things such as drug possession with intent to distribute (normally with prior conviction), rape, arson, or murder.
I think that outside of mob families, the phrase “you don’t rat out family” has limits.
Don’t care if it makes me a bad person, if I’m aware of any family members (or friends for that matter) that commit felonies, I would not risk my future or current well being to cover up their crime.
My sister stole my identity a few months ago. There were several warrants out for my arrest and credit cards opened up in my name. I made the decision not to press charges, but I’m never speaking to her again and absolutely speaking up if I’m made aware that she’s up to no good.
Yeah really! And if the bf or the LW know where the fugitive family members are, I’m pretty sure they can get in a fair amount of trouble for hiding them. At least that’s what TV cops shows tells me.
I’m not sure that she was implying that the brother is on the run from the law. I read it more as they are in protective custody…
“They are each currently looking at 15-life sentences…” definitely not in protective custody, though you almost wish that were the case…
“had to move out and into hiding and are each currently looking at a 15 to life sentence.”
If they are facing a 15 to life sentence, how are the NOT on the run from the law?
They had to “move out and into hiding” sounded to me as though it COULD be protective custody. She didn’t say that they disappeared or are on the run. I’m not saying you guys are wrong, I’m just trying to give this poor LW the benefit of the doubt.
I’m sorry, but unless I hear it straight from the LW, there ain’t any other way to read that then they are on the run from the law so they don’t go to jail for that 15 to life that was mentioned. I mean. The LW SAID that they are facing that sentence which means they are in some serious trouble. Come on.
it was his sister….
Sounds like a huge dramatic mess. Especially that part about family members being on the run from the law. I’m wondering how “not involved” the boyfriend really was in that matter, since it seems to have something to do with why he was MIA.
I feel for the LW, leaving someone you love is really really difficult, but I’m pretty sure this is one of those things that she’ll look back on someday and think, “WHY did I put up with that???”
Or perhaps even… “WHY in PLUPERFECT HELL did I put up with that????!!!???!”
Well put, Amy 😉
Wow.
Good Luck LW – I’m afraid you are going to need a lot of it….
whoa.
edit: I’m so glad to get this update, but now I am also requesting that the story of how half of this guys family is on the run from the law be told. You can’t dangle like that in front of the internet and not tell. That’s just not fair!
But seriously, this dude sounds like someone that no one in their right mind would associate with. yikes yikes yikes
Multiple members of his family are_in_hiding and are facing 15-LIFE jail sentences after he disappeared for two weeks, you still have no way of calling him regularly, and he can barely afford food and gas…girl, if those things are not enough to convince you to not only MOA but GTFO, what will?? I only hope you don’t get dragged down by whatever extremely dangerous activities your boyfriend is clearly involved in. This is futile, I know…but would you please, please consider dumping him and finding a boyfriend with a nice family who isn’t running from the law, and who can also afford to eat? Every girl deserves that much…and much more! Best of luck…!
On the bright side, at least the terrifying dogs are gone so there’s less of a chance she’ll be cut up and fed to them… right?
Right! Way to stay positive!
This guy sounds like someone I wouldn’t even want to be casually acquainted with, let alone date! Yikes. Sad that so many people put such a low value on themselves. If the LW hasn’t headed advice to this point, I doubt she will any time soon.
guy has DRAMA written all over him.
come on LW! are there not any other guys to date in or near your town?!
And even if there aren’t any other guys to date in or near your town…. you could always move.
Quick question – Does anyone know what crimes could possibly be associated with a minimum 15, maximum LIFE jail sentence?? We’re talking some seriously messed up stuff, right?? Rape, manslaughter…I’m not a lawyer, but it seems to me that no crime with the potential for a life sentence could *possibly* be deemed “meh, that’s not _that_bad!” Maybe the LW doesn’t care since it wasn’t her BF committing the crime? That she knows of….? Good God.
Drugs, depending on how much and what type could easily mean 15 to life.
If that’s the case, then what if the family members had drugs on them, and that’s why they were on the run from the law? I gathered from the letter that the family members were on the run, but now are looking at a prison sentence..meaning, no longer on the run.
Also high treason (bank robbing/fraud, steeling a lot of money, etc) or drug dealing can get you that sentence. Pretty much anything that gets into federal court can get you a life sentence.
My first thought was drugs
This is most likely a class A felony and can be further separated into I (violent – i.e. rape, arson, and murder) and II (non-violent such as possession with intent to distribute schedule I narcotics, vandalism of federal property)
Maybe the reason they had the scary dogs was to protect their meth lab? *shrug*
Seriously, though, this whole situation is waaaay beyond messed up. It doesn’t matter if the circumstances are “Verifiable”…for your well-being (physical and mental), just MOA.
This update makes me concerned for the safety of the LW…it all sounds like a mess of a situation, and as much as you obviously care for your boyfriend, this doesn’t seem to have any silver lining to it. 🙁
All joking aside, going on the information we have, I’m concerned for the LW too
Depends on the state, but murder is definitely one of those crimes! Maybe drug offenses or trafficking?
“I can’t call him anyway, he doesn’t have a phone”
“He doesn’t have a phone?”
“Some kind of billing issue.”
“He doesn’t have a phone? Sadie [six-year-old] has a phone.”
~Knocked Up
hahahaha… love that movie.
Wow, talk about drama-rama! OK so I’m just as curious about the rest of the story as everyone else, but I totally get that you probably can’t tell it. Which will of course fuel some crazy speculation. (ready, set, go!)
Anyway… I guess the good thing here is that your guy isn’t the one that’s in danger of a life sentence. And really… I know it’s usually “birds of a feather” and all that, but sometimes you just can’t judge a guy based on his whacko family. The details we were given were so vague that we really don’t know ANYTHING about this guy…maybe he was trying to help someone out of a bad situation and got caught in the crossfire. We just don’t know, so I’m hesitant to blatantly call this guy a loser. But I’m not gonna lie that there are some pretty large red flags waving at me from the hill. Either way I really hope your your guy is OK, you stay safe, and that everything works out.
And Wendy… love your response.
Just goes to show you that screaming at people to change is not effective. She will do what she likes, I don’t think she is in danger of being hurt by them, more like just being caught at the wrong time wrong place and she could get entangled in their troubles with the police. More likely she would get arrested with them for drugs for example moreso than being physically harmed. It is her life and I don’t think she will leave him anytime soon. It is sad but not much despite everyone’s concern and wellmeaning comments, I don’t think it will work if the recipient is not interested in the intended message.
sounds like a real winner, and sounds like his family was running either a meth lab or a crackhouse.
get the heck outta there before you find YOURSELF facing 15 to life.
girl, you need to break up with this man. he may care for you, you may care for him but his life right now is toxic. maybe if he distances himself from his outlaw family and gets himself a decent job to be able to afford the basics, then maybe you can consider dating him. but right now, hes not someone you should be with. he cant be a good boyfriend to you.
Exactly. If he can’t take care of himself, he sure as hell can’t take care of you.
This is all kinds of “not a good relationship,” there are far too many things wrong.
Even if his family were perfectly lovely and not on the run from the law, her boyfriend can’t afford food or gas (and therefore they obviously don’t go out on dates, since he wouldn’t even be able to pay for himself let alone her) AND this is the second time he’s gone 2 weeks without finding even a payphone (it only costs 25 cents!) to call her and tell her what’s going on in his life….
HE’S A SHITTY BOYFRIEND! FIND A NEW ONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT YOU! If you are truly a priority in a man’s life, he WILL find a way to let you know what’s going on. This guy didn’t. MOA!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, and the first time he left was for “an unexpected family vacation” my guess it had something to do with this lawless rebel family he has!
Pay phones haven’t been a quarter in a long time! Last time I checked (which was a few years ago) they were up to 50 cents. Or are they different in various parts of the country?
Oh, well that changes everything! Of course she shouldn’t expect her boyfriend to spend 50 cents on her!
I feel like this LW is missing the bigger picture…!
Normal boyfriends don’t do these things! This man will only drag you down. It speaks to his terrible character that he’s covering for his family members who are looking at 15-life! LIFE! You can only get life for really, really bad things. And if my brother murdered someone, I would either turn him (doubtful) in or get the fuck out of dodge (much more likely). I would not live in his house or disappear for weeks to help him.
You think this guy is a nice guy who is a victim of circumstance, but that’s never really true. Hopefully you’ll see that before you end up involved in a child trafficking ring or whatever these people are up to. DON’T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL FOR HIM, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. NOTHING ILLEGAL!!!!!
Wendy – it just goes to show that you can’t save them all!
Don’t you want a boyfriend who will take you out for dinner? who is able to afford food to cook you a meal? for himself? who can effing call you the nights you aren’t together?
a boyfriend who isn’t a jerk and disappears?! I can’t imagine my current boyfriend EVER doing that to me.. wouldnt I be the first he calls if something went down? or at the very least, one of the FEW he does call? come on. wake up lady!
That’s exactly what I’m trying to say!!!
Wow.
Hey LW, I know there are a lot of negative comments on here and its just because people are really just concerned about you; however, I am of the opinion that one does NOT rat out family members (murder not included), so I can’t fault the guy for that, nor can I fault him for being poor and needing to stay at his sister’s place even though she’s on the run. That being said, her house is a very dangerous place for him to be – what if she comes back and he ends up complicit in whatever she or her boyfriend have done?
Has he considered is government options – welfare, food stamps, housing help, etc.? I know people like to be proud about that stuff, but hey, he pays taxes and so do you, so he should get what’s coming to him when he really needs it most. Tell him to think of it as insurance that the government forces him to buy. One particularly good option is SafeLink. It’s a government service that provides free cell phones to people like your boyfriend who have no phone and are beneath the poverty line. I know they only provide a small amount of monthly minutes, but it would certainly help.
I should probably cap that statement with the fact that I totally would have MOA at this point… that kind of family drama NEVER ends.
I probably couldn’t rat out my sibling in most instances, but they don’t give out LIFE for just any crime. You pretty much have to kill or traffic someone. From Wikipedia:
“Life imprisonment (also known as a life sentence, life-long incarceration or life incarceration) is a sentence of imprisonment for a serious crime under which the convicted person is to remain in jail for the rest of his or her life. Examples of crimes for which a person could receive this sentence include murder, high treason, severe or violent cases of drug dealing or human trafficking, or aggravated cases of burglary or robbery resulting in death or grievous bodily harm.”
And I would never in a million years help a family member escape after committing a heinous crime like the ones listed above. Mama didn’t raise two fools!
I agree completely – 15 years to life – whatever crime it is that was committed must be very serious. I would have to turn them in. Perhaps I’d help with legal bills or something to show support for a close family member – but I would not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I helped them escape. This isn’t a small crime where no one was really hurt – there has to be a victim when the potential sentence is so severe. I can’t imagine being put in the situation – but I believe that I’d do the right thing and hope justice would be served fairly.
What the…?!
As much as I really like my boyfriend, if he told me tonight at that his family had done a horrible crime and was now in hiding and to “please not tell anyone.” I would nod, finish the date, and then drive to the police station to tell my story. Whatever they did/do can’t be good – it is illegal! You are in a bad situation. If you don’t get out you can go to jail for knowing about the crime and not coming forward.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accessory_(legal_term)
Exactly this. I’d worry about the boyfriend AND the LW and anyone else who knows the story getting pegged as complicit in whatever illegal activity is going down. They’re aiding fugitives, they’re obstructing justice, whatever you wanna call it. That’s jail time, too.
One more thing… she said the story was quite verifiable. Verifiable how?? That means there must be a lot of evidence for whatever crime was committed. Bloodstains on the wall maybe? LoL. In that case, her bf is going to jail for being an accessory.
Either that, or he made it all up and she’s just REALLY an idiot.
I was thinking that too!! VERIFIABLE HOW LW??
Whoa. LW: Good luck girl. Dude seems real shady!
Did the unexpected family vacation happen to be to a Mexican drug cartel?
I know we’re all shocked that she’s still with him, but for all we know she is just sketchy/trashy. birds of a feather flock together. Maybe this guy is as good as she can get? maybe shes addicted to whatever drug they were doing in that house.
i think she seriously needs to evaluate herself and her choices if THIS is the kind of partner she has.
Other than the whole thing being a prank letter (which for the record I’m still not convinced it isn’t), that’s about the only explanation. Someone who thinks its perfectly normal for her boyfriend’s roommate to leave 3 vicious dogs tied up on the porch that attack anyone who gets too close probably isn’t exactly “high-class.”
Yeah I didn’t want to say it but… to even get involved with people like this, I think you kind of need to be a certain type of person in the first place… :/
Once, I really liked this guy who was from the ghetto of all ghettos. He’d been shot at, been in knife fights, seen his best friend tied up and pistol whipped, seen another best friend shot dead, and all kinds of crazy stuff like that. I think he was a good person, and had a lot of potential to rise above all that… I think that’s why I liked him. And I really wanted to help support him and encourage him to do better. But unfortunately, he used to always say that he was a product of his environment and it was just who he was. Thank goodness I didn’t stick around. But that could be the same mentality the LW has… maybe she’s clinging to him cuz she wants to “save” him…
She should read Wendy’s earlier post today and the related comments regarding relationship patterns. Dear God – imagine if this is a pattern for her!!!!
On the bright side, if this isn’t 100% true, she has a future in creative writing.
Wow. And I thought my prior dating choices were suspect.
Many of you have asked what can get someone a minimum of 15 years in jail. Well, from this story (I read both of the letters), I will take a shot here (with both my personal and professional experiences on this subject) and say that this is more than likely drug/fraud related.
She mentioned that the sister (complete with husband and kid(s)) were in financial troubles, which is why they were living with her boyfriend and a roommate. It isn’t all that inconceivable for them to have gotten caught up in some sort of identity theft/check fraud/internet banking scheme.
Or, they were manufacturing drugs with the intent to distribute. It would explain the multiple “mean” dogs out front to keep surprise visitors from stopping in.
What I don’t understand is why the boyfriend would have to go into hiding with them if he wasn’t involved. Was he the driver for them? Was he kidnapped? If he was their driver, he is an accomplice to their evasion and can be charged with harboring a fugitive (if there were arrest warrants issued and he knew about them), if he knew what they were doing in the first place and did nothing to stop them and didn’t alert the authorities he could be charged with aiding in a crime, and depending on what the crime is and what state you’re in, he could be charged with the same crimes as the sister and husband. (Seriously, in some states, the driver of a getaway car in a bank robbery is charged with murder if one of the actual robbers kills someone during the robbery)
Something smells fishy, and it isn’t the halibut I’m thawing for dinner. If you have a publicly viewable court record database, check it out and see if you can find anything out. If he has any newly open cases.
Good luck.
Honey, I won’t even be friends with people like this, much less date them. What if the gang members come back looking for your boyfriend’s sister on a night you’re there? Do you think they’re going to stop and ask, “Are you involved in any way in what happened?” before they SHOOT YOU? Have you thought about the fact that your boyfriend might be followed everywhere he goes? Have you considered that you might be a target? Are you aware that, as a potential target you are endangering every person you see on a regular basis?
Also, people who are complicit in this sort of crime are either crazy liars or just plain crazy. Or both. My best friend married a man who lied about every single detail of his previous life, made up crazy details like the ones you’ve mentioned where you think, “Who the hell would make this stuff up?” He said he was from Ireland (East Texas), was in the military and saw combat (dishonorably discharged during basic for being batshit), had an ex wife who cheated on him (beat her terribly for wearing clothes he thought were too provocative which constituted cheating), and best of all, was an undercover narcotics officer. That one meant he could disappear for several days at a time, no warning, turn his phone off, and then get angry at her for asking where he had been. And it turns out he was PART of the drug ring the entire time. But by the time she figured all this out, he was so immersed in her life she was associated with all of it so he pulled her down with him.
If it *sounds* crazy, chances are, it IS crazy. And that the people involved in it are crazy as well.
And here’s the other thing: why would you ever be okay with dating a man who’s okay with putting you in harm’s way.
Your boyfriend could be in very serious legal trouble. In many states, anyone involved in any way with a crime can be charged with the crime. For example, if someone is killed during a robbery everyone involved in planning and carrying out the robbery is usually charged with capital murder. This includes the driver of the getaway car. Even if some people participating in the robbery had no way of knowing another participant intended to kill someone, they are still charged with capital murder if they knew about the robbery.
I am very worried about you. The circumstances are unclear, but it sounds very suspicious that your boyfriend was involved in the robbery. He may be lying to you about his involvement. You could also get into big legal trouble yourself. If you know where your boyfriend’s family is hiding and do not go to the police, you could be charged with obstruction of justice. At the very least, the police could bring you in for questioning.
If you were abused as a child you may feel worthless and not worthy of better treatment. As an abuse victim myself, I understand these debilitating feelings of worthlessness. But you are worth better treatment. Please give the police whatever information you have before his family hurts someone else and take a break from your boyfriend so he can get his life together.
She is def covering something for him. She sounds just like a family member I have who was tryin to covr up something her and her bf did. And if he witnessed the crime and drove the ppl away *to safety* he is still very very much involved, and these *gang members* r still prob lookin for him
Where are jsw and bitter gay mark??? Can’t wait to see what they’ve got to say!
I really simply can’t bring myself to take this letter seriously. It is hilarious though that it’s the classic — I-should-have-told-you-all-this-before letter, but with a whole new twist… Now we have the I-should-have-told-you-all-this-before-letter, but this is so totally crazy — yet 100% proven true by me and my own investigation I won’t tell you about — it’s just so crazy you would never ever believe it so you have to just take my word for it letter… Whew, I got just exhausted reading it. Heck, I got exhausted just trying to craft this response!
so if I was a getaway driver for victims of a robbery and I didn’t want the police to come after me and question me, the people I live with were in hiding b/c of gangs and now they just got arrested and are now facing charges in some gang/drug related thing, I don’t have a phone and can’t afford anything, I live with mean dogs next door to my parents….I’d have zero emotions left for a girlfriend. However, a good friend and casual sex partner would be fun and would totally release me from my stress (trying to think like a guy here, this isn’t how I really think).
LW – please for the last time, get some RESPECT and LOVE for YOURSELF and LEAVE.
I kind of wish that the guy was married and just seeing her on the side. She would more likely move on and not be a potential victim of gang violence.
this is the most epic comment thread not about charlie sheen i’ve ever seen.
This letter is great for site traffic… especially with all the repeat visits. Soon enough Wendy will be able to start selling ad space and hopefully begin to see a profit for all of her hard work!
From your lips to God’s ears, sister.
Wendy, I have my graduate’s degree in advertising media management and I currently work in marketing services for a software company. I’m also doing an honor’s certificate in web analytics. I’m happy to give you any help should you want/need it.
Thank you!
Ack I meant thumbs up, thumbs up!! Stupid iPhone small screen
Wendy, how many hits do you get? (Or is that private info? ) And how can you tell how many repeat hits you get? (From repeat commenters?) Just curious.
She’d know from an analytics program, such as Google Analytics. You embed a code into each page of your site, and that code tracks each visit. It also tracks cookies on your computer, that’s how it can tell who is a repeat visitor. It can also tell you how much time someone spends on the site, the average number of pages they view per visit, and all kinds of really cool stuff.
inneresting. and i’m thinking of all the sites i visit a lot and now i feel embarrassed. fml.
I use Google Analytics, and traffic has been growing steadily each week since the launch on Jan. 24. In the last couple of weeks, an avg. weekday sees about 11,000 – 12,000 pageviews, and about 3700 uniques. Today will be the best day yet. Traffic has already topped 15,000 pageviews and will likely top 16,000 by the end of the day. Sorry if it’s tacky to share those numbers, but there seems to be an interest and this feels like a community effort, so there you go.
That’s great! I do kind of feel like it’s *our* site… Thanks for that. 🙂
And also I want to say that adding Comments of the Week was genius. There seems to be more commenters now, with comments a little more polished than before.
Yaaaay!
Good job Wendy, sharing those numbers is what will make you a profit! You’re doing great!
I hope you’ll be able to make money soon.
Full confession — I had my very first therapy session today. Why? Oh, you know, to talk about this and that. I like to think I’m special, but I’m sure my “problems” are run of the mill stuff – stuff that all 30-something year old single female professionals feel, especially those that work too much, drink too much, and only have Wine Night at local bars to look forward to. And it felt great! I can’t wait until next Wednesday … I had a point here. … And that was this: Gurrrrl, this situation is creepy. I say MOA straight to a therapist. It’ll do you good, I promise.
Holy hell. I’m pretty much speechless not only with the update, but also with the LWs more explanatory updates. Really? Seriously? Pardon me while I pick my jaw up off the ground and pretend that you’re intelligent enough to pick up the phone to call your BF’s room mates phone to tell him that this relationship is O-V-E-R.
I think Wendy’ response basically sums it up. I literally have no words for this LW.
Her whole follow up just seems like more excuses. There are still no explanations for his shady actions and she seems to just be sating things to excuse things in her mind. She needs to RUN!!
Um, I can only hope that this letter is fake… I don’t want to believe anybody’s life can be this much of a mess… Or this desperate to be in a relationship… Trainwreck.
PS — By fake — I mean that the letter writer is a fake. Not that Wendy is pulling a fast one.
LW, I will tell you what everyone else is- this is not normal. I know (from experience) that sometimes you make excuses for the stupid hurtful things that guys will do to you, but this is way to extreme. Maybe your head is just not clear enough to think about it correctly, which is why it was a good idea to write into a site like this where impartial, un-emotionally involved people could tell you what it looks like from the outside… and it looks bad, dear. Everyone is right when they say that you deserve better then this. You may not think it or see it, but we (the impartial, un-emotionally involved people) all in one voice are saying it… please consider yourself first. That was the hardest thing for me to learn in relationships… and I do truly hope you stay safe and out of jail, because my father is a lawyer, and everything that everyone are saying about you going to jail just for knowing about something happening and not saying anything is very very true…
LW – Congrats on making the decision to leave even if it isn’t easy. Loving someone makes you want to help them, but I’m glad you’re strong enough to realize you can’t save everyone. It sounds like you have your head on straight about this now, and know what you have to do to take care of yourself!
Just so you know, OP, having your mother tell you to be careful on your campus 900 miles away from her, because your cousin pissed off some gang members is not at all sexy/romantic. Not at all.
Besides that, I feel like so many letters and responses and updates go like this:
Dear Wendy,
I am acting completely irrationally to this problem with my boyfriend. Will you tell me I can continue to act irrationally?
-Letter Writer
Dear Letter Writer,
No I can’t. But here is a more reasonable response (in most cases either communicate or leave) that might be better for your health in the long run.
-Wendy
Update:
Dear Wendy,
You did not say I could continue to act irrationally at all. I think this may because there were certain important details which I think make me look much more rational. You just got the wrong idea from my letter which contained none of this supposedly pertinent information, which suggests that I in fact did not think it was important at all. Therefore I will ignore your advice and those of your commentators even though it still has merit even with the extra details.
-Letter Writer
if it’s fake, it’s a very good one. if it’s not: this girl is naive on so many levels.
“robbery/shooting, where close friends were the victim, and he helped them get to safety. He was the getaway driver (but not of the perpetrator), and he was afraid that the police would get a description of the car and come after him”
1.- if he had the “getaway driver” title assigned, then he and his friends where planning to get away with something. not just going “la la la look at the flowers” and got robbed.
2.- if when they got “robbed” (if they actually got robbed) instead of telling the police they hid from them, then probably what was taken from them was illegal. probably a big amount of drugs. so considering number 1 and 2, this was most likely a gang-related drug trade. which leads to:
3.- gang members going on drug/money trades do not take innocent people as drivers. they take other gang members. so the boyfriend is most likely a gang member.
4.- and if they had lots of drugs they didn’t have the money to buy (hint: drugs -> more expensive than a phone) they were probably MAKING THEM. in the house with the guardian dogs and the toddler.
on the other hand, maybe this explanation is too complicated. maybe the boyfriend and his family are as naive as she is, and when they ran out of money they decided to steal drugs from gang members and (of course) it went wrong and now they’re penniless and running from both the gang and the police. which would be so moronic he and LW would deserve eachother.
You know, this situation kind of reminds me of this sketch from SNL: http://www.hulu.com/watch/36872/saturday-night-live-boat-ride
also, gangs will sometimes forbid their members to use phones, to prevent wiretapping / getting caught. so that could be an explanation for the no phone thing.
Goodness.
I mean, seriously! I wanted to be nice and thoughtful in my response, in the hopes that the LW would read it and take it to heart, but this is absolutely too scary.
Her bf (not that I would classify someone like him as her bf; he’s a people user, from what I see, and can’t establish boundaries to keep himself (and those he cares about, like HER) safe) needs to be able to focus on himself now too, in addition to the LW needing to focus on why she’s willing to settle for this kind of “relationship”.
I don’t understand the duality in her responses. It seems to me that she decided NOT to break up with him, but with heat from the comments, now says she’s been planning on breaking up for a while now.
To the LW: Why wait? Do it, extricate yourself from this situation before you REALLY get sucked in and can’t get out. You could be hurt, your friends could be hurt (even if they don’t know anything about what’s going on), just for knowing you. I don’t think the gravity of your situation has hit you yet, and you really need to separate yourself from him. I think therapy would be a great place for you to work out why you feel his behavior is appropriate and why you feel the need to put up with not being a priority. I think any man (or woman) worth their salt would have told you upfront that they have personal issues to work through and they would see you again when they’d successfully dealt with them instead of letting you get involved, at all.
This sounds like an episode of “Snapped” just waiting to happen. If ever a situation screams MOA, this one is it, but it doesn’t sound like LW will. All one can say in this case is, “Good luck with that,” followed by a healthy shrug of the shoulders and a wash of the hands.
I like how in the original letter she said he moved back with his family and Wendy was like “wife and kids?”. So the LW updates with No, no, of course no wife and kids! Just his sister’s family is all involved with drugs and gangs and stuff… It’s cool.
I am sorry to say this LW, but I am almost certain you’ve made a huge mistake.
Hopefully you learn when he does it again. With a family like that it is only a matter of time.
REALLY??!?!?!? Well said Wendy & pretty much everyone else here…MOA MOA MOA….GTFO..GTFO..and something else about Motherf*cker!!! AAAAAAAAAAH runn…don’t walk..run away!
Man, I hate it when overzealous DAs try to give dogs life sentences. 😉
He doesn’t have money for a phone or even food, and his family has financial trouble, but they can go on last-minute vacations? Why does the boyfriend have to drop off the face of the earth for two whole weeks because his sister and boyfriend are in trouble, and he supposedly isn’t involved? He can’t make one short phone call in two weeks? And he was at his house when you went over there, so he was around, but still couldn’t contact her? A child is allowed to live in a house with dogs that attack people, and whatever this criminal activity was? Is the LW staying with him, like she said in the update, or not, like in her comment? I don’t get any of this. Also, it’s one thing to stick with someone when you’re already invested, but I don’t understand becoming involved in the first place! I mean I am not expecting dudes to be doctors and lawyers, but owning a phone is pretty important. Is this guy even employed? How can you disappear like that if you have a job (and he can’t even call in to say he isn’t coming!)?
This is old, but I just saw it so I’ll still post because I can. 🙂
And my post shall say … whoa, whoa whoa. You guys are talking about Mexican drug cartels and meth labs, getaway drivers and gang members and God knows what else that isn’t even alluded to in the letter! Why fill in blanks with assumptions and guesses and inferences? Why fill in blanks at all? If you’re directing your comments to the LW, your comments are supposed to be helpful to her, and she knows what actually happened, so guessing doesn’t really do any good.
I’m not arguing that there’s a whole lot of drama around this guy and he doesn’t really seem like he’d make a good partner until/unless it either calms down or he gets away from it. But there are a number of reasons her boyfriend’s assertion that he’s not involved could hold water. Don’t you think the police work hard to make sure they round up everyone who was involved in an incident? Don’t you think those arrested would feel like they were all going down together and accuse him of whatever, too, and then he’d be looked at and taken into custody, if necessary?
I still agree that the drama surrounding this guy’s life should be like an impenetrable force field to the LW unless or until he has a plan in action to get away from it, but there’s no reason to wildly extrapolate on what the family did that was so bad. She knows, and she can assess whether she thinks it’s run-don’t-walk caliber, or not.