“Did He Just Want Me For Sex?”
After he was home for a about a week I gave him a call, because he hadn’t called. Then I called him again another week later and said I wanted to come visit him, but he hasn’t returned my call. He has another year of school left. Did he only want sex while he was away from home? Why wouldn’t he want to continue the relationship. I thought we really connected, why wouldn’t he want to try to keep the relationship going? I am so heartbroken. — Intern Love
There are lots of possible reasons he pursued a whirlwind romance with you and then went MIA as soon as he returned home — maybe he had a girlfriend back at school he was cheating on, maybe he was just using you for sex, maybe he really liked you but quickly realized how impractical a long distance relationship would be at this point in his life, maybe he really liked you and then got back to school and met someone else he likes and this girl’s a lot closer. Regardless what his reason was, he’s made himself clear — he’s no longer interested in pursuing anything with you — and you should save your sanity and quit trying to figure out what his deal is and just MOA. There are other fish in the sea.
I’d make it about yourself by saying something along the lines of, “You’re a wonderful guy any woman would be lucky to have and I’d definitely consider a romantic relationship with after you’ve healed from your divorce. Until then, I just don’t want to risk my own heart being broken by getting romantically involved with someone who’s still so torn up over his last relationship. Besides that, I think I can be better support to you right now as a friend, without the drama a romantic relationship might create.”
He started getting annoyed by all the questions, which led to him acting different around me. After a horrible day at work, and him being so closed off, I texted him to make sure he was okay. He then said he’s had a lot of stuff to take care of in and outside of work and that having people trying to play matchmaker wasn’t helping. He said that he likes me but doesn’t want to date me nor anyone else for reasons he didn’t want to discuss and he apologized. I accepted it and let him know I was there for him if he ever needed anything. Since then, we barely talk. I feel as if everything I say he disregards or finds idiotic. It’s been this way for about a month now.
Today, my good friend, who lives about 600 miles away, told me about his feelings for me. He’s the sweetest guy I know and wants the best for me, but I don’t know we could work with the distance. A part of me wants to be with him, but another part doesn’t want to give up my green-eyed boy at work. I would love some advice on being stuck between the two choices. — Torn from Oklahoma
How can you give up something you don’t have? Get some self-respect, quit waiting around for Green-eyed boy to change his mind about dating you, and live your life already. P.S. Sending your friends to ask whether a guy likes you isn’t sexy.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
1. Pretty much – no matter how you cut it.
2. Nothing to add there – definitely make it about you though as he is probably feeling pretty ready to be down on himself.
3. You are holding a candle with no flame…I wouldn’t advise starting an LDR with this other guy as the foundation of your relationship, but that’s just me.
I just can’t help but this what the guy was thinking…great, now some quick month-long fling thinks I’m going to actually be buying plane tickets, blah, blah, blah. Come on people, think this through!
I did this once when I was 15 and met a guy from clear across the country, dated him for 4 weeks of a summer program, then had the insane idea to ask him if he wanted to continue long distance… and be shocked when he said no. Cringe.
I don’t mean to sound heartless. Of course you get caught up in lust/new love whatever. But you have to know (at least when you’re an adult) that the odds of some fling turning into an LDR after such a short time and no discussed interest in such by the guy is so unlikely. Enjoy flings for what they are or don’t partake in them.
Agree, & I would say to assume EVERYTHING is a fling in that small amount of time. It sounds cynical, but you can’t a judge a relationship to be anything significant in that small amount of time. And a month and a half isn’t long enough to be “heartbroken”, in my opinion.
Agree-a guy I had a fling with a while ago flew to where i live randomly wihtout telling me to visit me for 5 days-yeah it was awkward and uncomfortable lol
It was probably delusional to think a long-distance relationship was a good idea, BUT, she asked him point blank, and he didn’t explicitly tell her that’s not what he wanted. Why would it have been so hard to say “I’ve enjoyed our time together, but I am just not interested in a long distance relationship.” How douchey to say nothing, and continue to duck her efforts in the hopes she’ll get it.
True. But why would she just accept him putting his head down and ignoring her? To say nothing is enough of an answer to me. A rude one, but def a huge glaring answer.
LW 1 – It was a month and a half with one guy who doesn’t want a relationship with you. Just think, you could have YEARS with someone who does! Don’t be heartbroken over this dud.
LW 2- You tell him that you’re not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship (and make that very clear) but you’re his friend, and you’ll support him through his divorce. I’m sure he needs more real friends than girlfriends at this time in his life, even if he doesn’t know it yet.
LW 3- You don’t have two choices. You have the green-eyed boy who used the suckiest line ever, apart from “I have Herpes/Syphilis/AIDS”, to get a girl to leave him alone; and you have a guy who has professed his feelings for you. I dunno about you, but I’d go for the guy who ACTUALLY said he liked me. LW! You got your answer from green-eyes – he said, “I like you, but I don’t want to date you.” Done. That’s it. He doesn’t want to date you. But your friend who lives farther actually does. Maybe you should invest your time in that instead of getting caught up in high school-type drama.
The first thing I thought of when I read the third letter was the last time I sent a friend to talk to a boy I liked. It was six years ago. And I’m nineteen. Do the math.
You were 13.
Yeah, same here.
Agreed. She doesn’t get to choose whether or not she’s with green-guy.
hahaha I know how the hell do you have two choices when one of the guys outright told you, and all of your friends that you work with, that he doesn’t want to be with you, and now is treating you like an oucast. I think LW3 should have just written in on if she should go for a LDR or not, but I guess it is good that she didn’t because we get a pretty good back story on why she maybe doing it for the wrong reasons.
LW#3 – “Turns out it was because he’s been a bad guy to any girl he’s had or attempted to have a relationship with.” This is THE MOST douchetastic explanation I’ve ever heard. Did you take this seriously?? When someone plays the melodramatic, self-pitying “Babe, we just can’t be together because I’ve hurt too many people,” you roll your eyes and walk away. You don’t stick around, hoping he’ll take a chance on you, realize you’re too wonderful to be “bad to” (what does that even mean, exactly?), and sweep you off your feet.
You need to learn to recognize a bullshit excuse when it’s staring you in the face! This guy never wanted to have a serious relationship with you, and he let drop the best excuse he could think of to make you forget the idea of dating him. He got angry because what he thought was an obvious “I’m just not that into you,” wasn’t all that obvious to you…so he became more direct. Just avoid this situation altogether next time by a) never sending your friends to do your dirty work and b) recognizing a Grade A Douche when he’s bullshitting to your face.
Absolutely concur. I wish people would stop falling for that (including my past self).
My douche-tastic ex used the “I’m a bad boyfriend to you” line when he broke up with me. Even through all the heartbreak I could see it was bullshit. If you truly feel bad over being a bad guy or whatever, you man up and do your best to be a good guy.
Oh yeah, I had this used on me by a high school boyfriend when he broke up with me. He continued to pull the whole “I’m a bad guy” tragic/dramatic nonsense for the next year and a half while stringing me along- thought he really did believe there was something wrong with him- it just wasn’t the something that was ACTUALLY wrong with him. I wasted so much time telling him he wasn’t a jerk when he was. But I was fifteen at the time. My bullshit meter is much better now. I found my journal from the time and died laughing. The things I believed back then. Lordy. Lol.
That was going to be my point! While he may or may not actually think he’s a bad guy, he is (or at least douchey), he is not a bad guy due to the reason he’s giving the LW.
I dunno, I have mixed feelings on this one. I agree with your conclusions, just not necessarily your principle.
On the one hand, you’re right. It’s a shitty excuse. Just another variant on the “it’s not you, it’s me” that everybody hates. As excuses go it’s pretty pitiful and even sort of passive-aggressively implies “but you should love me anyway cuz then maybe I’ll change!”. One of my old roomies is dealing with this from her recent ex-boyfriend as we speak. Boy, does it get me when people play on each other’s compassion like that.
On the other hand, aren’t we always telling people that when someone says they’re a bad person you should believe them? There’s always the possibility that he really is just plain old bad at relationships and maybe *he* needs to be single for a while and figure his shit out. Maybe he’s really, really bad at communicating so the best way he could think of to put it was a variant of “I’m not good for you.” Maybe he’s a grade-A, extra large douche. Maybe my office will suddenly be filled with unicorns and jellybeans. Maybe. I mean, if you really were terrible at relationships and wanted to give someone fair warning, how much more straightforward can you be than “I’m terrible at relationships”? According to you, (not to pick on you personally RR) if he said he’s good at them, he’s lying. If he says he’s bad at them, he’s a douche. Lose-lose scenario.
But the one consistent signal here is this: He. Doesn’t. Want. You. Take his word for it if it helps you sleep at night. He *is* a bad person, either because he’s telling the truth and has the relationship skills of a tiger shark or because he’s full of crappy excuses. MOA and think no more of him. And maybe find a small, furry animal to cuddle with instead.
“He. Doesn’t. Want. You. Take his word for it if it”
I can’t comprehend why people don’t listen to that. He told you he doesn’t want you, so you think ‘gee, now would be the right time to continue chasing after him because if he didn’t like me before, he surely will now that I’m acting pathetic and annoying.’
I agree with you here for sure. If he’s actually bad at relationships, this is a good way to tell someone. But I just have a feeling that it’s less about having relationship skills and more about knowing that you dont’ want a relationship with a particular person. I’m reading it as “I’ve hurt too many people” == “I’m going to end up hurting you anyway because I don’t care enough/am not ready to put forth a committed effort with you.” He says it generally, but I’m pretty sure he means it individually.
Right. In this magical world of “Maybe”, if a guy who really has been a douchetastic asshat to all of his past gfs meets a girl who he thinks he could love and he wants to be a super good guy, he may sort of warn her, but he’d emplore her to give him a chance. In the “I’ve never been good at relationships, but I want to make this work, so be patient with me and help me figure out how to do this right.” Now, most of the time, I’d think that is a line and is total crap. But in this “maybe” world of giving them the benefit of the doubt, that’s how it would go. They would beg you to wait it out, not use it as an excuse NOT to be with you. It just another way to say “I’m not that into you.”
To be fair though, there’s a world of difference between using that excuse to get out of an existing relationship and putting it out there to justify not starting one in the first place. Neither of them has anything beyond an 8th-grade-style crush invested yet, so all he’s done is explain why he doesn’t want to invest anything more. It’s not that much different from someone who doesn’t do LDR’s explaining that s/he doesn’t want to continue a fling across long distance (see LW#1): it’s probably not going to work, so let’s stop now while we’re ahead.
I agree. Don’t see douchetastic here at all. He’s not being all James Dean bad boy to get this young woman to become intrigued by him. He’s already got her, if he wants her. That was obvious when the friends came chasing him on her behalf. He may know full well that he is not a guy who does serious relationships or is not at the life stage of wanting more than FWB or light, temporary gfs. If that’s the case, his answer is real. This isn’t a guy she met in a club, this is a guy LW works with. There are separate rules for office romances. In some work environments they are viewed as bad enough in themselves, in most environments, it can become a serious problem when they end, especially awkwardly. This guy and LW see each other a lot at work. Very awkward if they have a short-lived relationship and then have to continue working together. The guy likely senses she is too serious and that could cause problems, because he isn’t. There is already much inter-office drama on this for a non-couple that has never even been on a date.
Someone is likely to reply — well, why doesn’t he just tell her he doesn’t date people from work. Because, likely he has dated someone he worked with, but viewed that someone as being less serious and more up for a FWB type situation than LW appears to him.
No, I’m with you. I don’t think its douchey. I just think it means the same thing as “I’m not that into you”/I’m not into you enough to try this out.”
He doesn’t owe her an explanation though.
Not a truthful one at least. Though it’s nicer to respond than not respond.
Girl: “Will you go out with me?”
Boy: [crickets]
That stinks, even though he doesn’t “owe” her an explanation. Plus, that situation can get crazy awkward in no time.
Yeah.. Refer to LW1..
I agree with you. For the record, I DO think that when people tell you who they are, you should believe them. And a lot of the time, they’re telling you in the subtext, not in the outright sense. Maybe he was telling the truth! Maybe he is bad at relationships and wants her to avoid him. Maybe he was bullshitting because “he’s just not that into her.” I’m not telling her to dismiss any excuse as bullshit, but I AM saying that when someone gives you an excuse for not dating you…any excuse, bullshit or actually a good reason…you move on! Not interested is not interested. Period!
That, and he was a bad boyfriend, because he hasn’t found the right person so the LW shouldn’t get mad if the bad boy has a girlfriend in a couple of months, because he founds somebody he actually likes that way.
Then I apologize for the misread, it sounded to me like you were saying that excuse is always bullshit.
The bottom line is that we agree on the bottom line 🙂
No way! I think if someone is genuinely saying, “Listen, I’m not very good at relationships. I’m not in a place to give this a try. Sorry, I don’t want to date” then kudos to them for having the balls to be honest. But the WAY this guy said it struck me as bullshit, and immature. Then again, the entire context was immature!
Amen to that!
Yeah, I think it’s just one of those douchey excuses. It’s a line. It’s douchey because while it CAN be true, it’s still just a line, a cliche.
Last year I started dating this guy, CASUALLY, and we never really had a conversation about where it was going or anything like that – but I could definitely feel him pushing for something more serious. And while I did really like him, I started to realize that I didn’t really want a relationship. So that’s what I told him. I thought it was the mature thing to do because I told him as soon as I realized it, and I was honest and straightforward, I didn’t “lead him on” so to speak, etc. etc. etc. BUT he and his/our friends thought the “I don’t want a relationship right now” thing was just a line and they all thought that *I* was super douchey for using it on him. He said that all his exes used that “line” to break up with him and then immediately started dating other people.
I don’t have a clue where I was going with this anymore. Maybe just that I can see it both ways? I used a “line” once that was REAL but everyone saw it as a douchey excuse.
I guess that “lines” become cliche standard lines (a la “It’s not you, it’s me”) because they’re true for a lot of people. But once they’re a cliche, they’re just in that grab bag of excuses that people can reach for when they’re on the spot.
I’m getting a douche vibe from this guy, though.
Also, is does anyone else have PeeWee running on repeat in their head? “You don’t wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel.”
Not everyone is as good with words as the aspiring professional therapists on this board. The commenters here just got done telling Ms. Drunky McTextsherself to stop dating overall. From her letter, it did not appear she’s in any danger of a career as a professional writer. If some guy asked her out, “I’m a bad girl to any guy I have a relationship with” seems like a pretty accurate paraphrase of what everyone here told her.
Anyway, what the hell difference does it make whether the “excuse” is decent or douchey? He’s not interested. The end.
Yikes, don’t know that the ‘tude and personal jabs were necessary.
And yes, I obviously agree that disinterest equals disinterest, no matter how it’s stated. But I still think that it serves a girl well to be able to read through “bullshit” excuses and hear “I’m not interested in you…” because apparently, this LW lacked that particular skill.
Hahaha. “Aspiring professional therapist” is a personal jab; “Grade A douche” is just par for the course. Okay.
*I* think it serves a girl well to recognize that “I don’t mind that he turned me down/broke up with me, but the way that he did is just the most awful thing in the world. What a worthless piece of poo this guy is” is an even bigger pile of bullshit than “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Yup, while we disagree whether it was nice or not, this LW could use some help in the reading through/hearing department
A lot of people seem to be doing the ” I have a feeling” or “I get the vibe that” thing. From a short one sided letter how can you get a vibe about a guy whose opinions you don’t know and/ or who you have never met?
How many letters recently has the guy not been labeled a douche whether or not the LW has also been behaving badly?
This board is getting really judgemental. Is it me or is it since the thumbs down went that people have working each other up into bigger flights of fancy and not calling bullshit so much.
9 times out of 10 it’s ALWAYS the guys fault on here lately — with the LWs always cast as oh-woe-is-me victims of male malfeasance. It’s become absurd. But yes, I agree. The lack of thumbs down is sorely missed. Look, if people are too immature to handle being thumbed down then they are without a doubt too immature to post on here. End of story…
Um, newsflash RR…you have no real way of knowing exactly HOW he said it at this point. It’s all one giant game of telephone at this point. He said it to a girl at work, who told another girl at work, who then wrote it into her Letter… I mean, how the hell do you NOT know he didn’t phrase it exactly as you suggest would be acceptable and simply been (only) slightly misquoted?
Exactly. She’s shredding this guy for his wording, when all we have is LW’s third hand paraphrasing of what he said.
Also, about this friend. So he just divulges that he has feelings for you, and you decide you want to be with him? Did you have feelings for him, prior to this? I’m thinking that no, you didn’t, but now that some dude is giving you the affection and attention that the “bad boy” won’t give you, you’re jumping at a chance of some kind of real relationship with the first guy who hollered at you.
STOP! If you had no feelings for this friend prior to his revelation, you need to just be SINGLE for a while. Jumping at the opportunity to have a relationship with someone you weren’t even interested in yesterday shows me that you’re pretty deeply insecure, and looking for the security blanket and comfort of a relationship to hide in…not because you’re interested in romantically being with THIS person. Take some time to work through your insecurities, PLEASE!
I actually read this not as the guy being a douche, but rather as a guy trying to get out of an awkward situation. I mean this “flirting” may just have been him enjoying the company of his co-worker and choosing to eat lunch and joke around with her. She misconstrues this and sends the gossip squad to grill him on his nonexistent feelings for her. Now he is on the spot and has to find a way to let her down quickly and easily. He may have felt that blaming himself and saying he is “a bad guy” was the best way not to hurt/offend this girl and most importantly ward off the anger/tension in the office from her and their inexplicably juvenile co-workers that may have come if he flat out said “you are taking this the wrong way, I do not have romantic feelings for you.” Unfortunately this girl-woman is cray cray and now thinks he is some sensitive James Dean type who is staying away from her because he loves her too much to hurt her. Now she is texting him, asking if he wants to talk about his feelings and he has moved on to being rude and unfriendly hoping she will take a hint. Judging by this letter the next step will have to involve a skwriter, billboard or bullhorn at the least.
sorry this was in reply to your earlier post not this one!
Unfortunately this girl-woman is cray cray and now thinks he is some sensitive James Dean type who is staying away from her because he loves her too much to hurt her.
I think I have a crush on you.
isnt that like a huge plot line of twilight?
ive never read them or seen the movies, but i have read Cracked.com’s “if twilight was 100x shorter and 100x more honest” and they alluded to that happeneing…
maybe thats why so many women fall for it. think of all the tweens that are so obsessed with twlight who are now going to think thats normal…. yikes.
wendy, at least you’ll have work for a while!! haha
I think what your assessment proves is that you need to say what you mean when letting someone down easy, as opposed to making something up (whether it was douchey, as I interpreted it, or well-meaning)…because either way, you’re still going to end up with a cray-cray girl who now thinks that you’re “some sensitive James Dean type who is staying away from her because he loves her too much to hurt her.” – This was a great, btw! Exactly what I imagine she’s thinking of him as now.
I can definitely agree with this. I must admit I have been taken by surprise by a romantic revelation once or twice and said something in a fit of panic that I wished I could take back soon after. Honest is definitely the best policy!
Taking a chance and jumping on the opportunity to be with someone I had no previous interest in was how my husband and I started out. 🙂 But that doesn’t disprove your point, RR – we were high school freshmen when we first started dating (nearly ten years ago at this point) and I was MAJORLY insecure – something he helped reverse over the years.
Not trying to argue with you, by the way. I just read that sentence and laughed because that’s exactly how things went down in my own relationship. I obviously wouldn’t recommend it in all situations, including the LW’s.
LW#3 I think the green-eyed guy gave a crappy reason, but you also have to remember that the way he was approached and asked wasn’t very sophisticated…You can’t act like you are still in the kindergarten and expect the guy to treat you with respect. The poor guy probably just wanted to stay away from the drama and gossip you created by telling everyone in the office about your crash on him.
Woman up and leave the guy alone.
I fail to see why its a crappy excuse. This guy told her straight out he didn’t want to date her…”doesn’t want to date me nor anyone else for reasons he didn’t want to discuss and he apologized.” I don’t even know why he apologized, but it was very nice of him. Instead of accepting that, she had people harassing him and she did too. I would’ve lost it also. Everyone wants to get all up in arms over guys who lead girls on and keep feeding them crumbs of a relationship and yet here we have a guy who couldn’t have been more honest, nice or direct and we’re saying he’s giving crappy responses??? Why? Because its not what she wanted to hear?
I am in full agreement with what you said above. The only reason why I said it was a crappy excuse is the quote below. And yes, it was nice of him to apologize to her.
“He said that he liked me a lot, but there was a reason he hadn’t asked me out yet. Turns out it was because he’s been a bad guy to any girl he’s had or attempted to have a relationship with.”
Yea, but what was he supposed to say really? Can you imagine if you were at work and some guy came up to you about another guy at work liking you? Its an easy let down without making anyone feel dumb.
Plus, this was her friend trying to repeat what he allegedly said. Who knows if he put it that way, ya know? I could easily see myself saying I like you (as a person), but I’m not good at relationships. Its true, and honest. Not mean at all. The only mean-ness involved is maybe his admitting he has no interest in trying to be a good boyfriend for her? Even thats a stretch though.
Like I said, I agree with you.
I had this going up above, it’s nice to see someone took up the thread while I was off doing work 🙂
You’re working?! Its Friday, sit-in-your-office-and-pretend-to-be-busy Day! Silly girl.
Amen! Friday is not a day when you do “actual” work! Psssh!
I’m a program tester, I don’t do “actual” work anyway…it’s basically my job to fail at using computers!
When programs fail it is the most frustrating part of using software….therefore you get paid to get frustrated?
nope, I get paid to pass the buck 🙂
That sounds like a job I would be excellent at. How did you get started?
I love when I have work to do on Fridays just because it makes the day go by quicker so I can get out of here!
Thank god for slow fridays, i get to catch up on all my missed columns and get paid 😉
I totally imagined this going down like this:
Cindy: so you’re always hanging out with susan… You really like her huh?
Guy: ummm yeah Susan’s great
Cindy: want me to set you guys up?
Guy: uhhh umm welll …
Cindy: you really like her RIGHT???
GUy: yes yes but ummm I tend to hurt all the women I date and I’d never want to do that to Susan!
Cindy: oh wow I get it
Guy: sigh of relief
5 minutes later…
Cindy: OMG he REALLY likes you
Susan: and he wants to date?
Cindy: no he is afraid he will hurt you
Susan: how sensitive. I”m gonna text him right now!!!
I didn’t call it crappy, but I did call it “douchey,” more so because it just sounded so contrived. But I DO agree that, contrived or not, it was as direct as you could hope for!
I didn’t mean to pounce on everyone. But even saying its douchy…why? Don’t you think he could’ve been being honest in saying that he was bad a relationships? Maybe he could’ve added ‘and I don’t feel like she’s worth trying to change that for’ but that would’ve just been nasty.
I don’t think saying it in this context was douchey. I don’t think it was.
But, in general, it is a douchey line, because it usually is used to get a girl to “try to” convince him that he’s not bad at relationships, and that she’s the girl he can be good for. If a girl is like, “hey, wanna hang out?” and a guy is like “I’ve hurt every girl I’ve been with; I’m bad at relationships”, the girl in this assinine drama tends to respond “It’s ok, we’ll take it slow, no big commitment” and boom- guy gets laid, girl gets dumped, guy’s a douche.
But I agree, not here, because he wasn’t saying it to get in her pants, he was saying it to get her off his back.
Hmmm. Do you think its a line used to get the girl to try to change his mind OR is the girl just desperately looking for a way to get him anyway and thinking the all-too-often thought of “But I can be the one who changes him!”
When the guy sleeps with the girl after giving that line, knowing she likes him, it doesn’t really matter. That’s douchey. But I tend to think its a mix. Though I don’t really know real adults who use lines like that. I can imagine that in college and grad school (which was just college2.0), but not now.
Oh totally agree. Really douchy to sleep with anyone your not interesting in knowing they are interested in you.
Yes, this is exactly why it struck my as douchey. And also, because he eventually DID say “Ok, I just don’t want to date you.” So in hindsight, that line was contrived and unnecessary.
You’re right, bc he did eventually just say he didn’t want her. I just feel like it was a nicer way to let someone down then coming right out with I don’t want you.
Haha well yeah, saying “I don’t want to date you is pretty blunt,” but he COULD have been less contrived and more direct and still have been nice about it. Like, “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to be in a serious relationship any time soon.” But we’re so conditioned to try to let people down easy, we feed them these lines that let them think there’s still something open for negotiation…as if you should ever have to negotiate to date someone! Blegh.
Its tough bc you don’t want to hurt people’s feeling by just coming out with it bluntly, but if you don’t it leaves the door open for, as someone said above, the girl saying oh, lets take it slow all the while she’s thinking she has a chance and can change him and then he still ends up the jerk bc you know they’ll end up sleeping together and she’ll be hurt after that.
I second your Blegh.
Yeah I could see him being afraid that if he told her that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship anytime soon, she was going to continue to persue him until he is ready. Either way I think if she asked him herself, and left her coworkers out of this things would have went a lot better, and they would still be flirty friends with the chance of a drunken make out session in the future.
I get what you are saying, because this guy was probably trying to also salvage his friendship too, but he kept getting pushed, and now he is fed up with it so he is giving her a clear sign now that he is sick of it, and wants her to leave him alone, but she is missing those hints too.
LW1: He pulled a fade, therefore don’t over analyze, just MO
LW2: Wendy’s advice is spot on.
LW3: I am sorry but sending a friend to ask a guy how he feels about you is very middle school – basically akin to the note “Do you like me? Circle yes, no, maybe” I would just shelve the idea of a relationship with him (also dating co-workers can be a big office no-no). As for your friend suddenly developing feelings for you…is he planning on moving closer or are you planning on moving? If not, then I would probably not pursue it just because there doesn’t seem like a lot that can come from a LDR at this point.
Agree on all points.
LW1 The guy didn’t have enough “sack” to be honest with you and tell you he was never serious about keeping in contact after he left.
LW2 The guy probably hasn’t had this much attention from another woman other than his wife in a long time and he’s maybe mistaking your interest as romantic instead of platonic. Or, maybe he really is genuinely interested in a relationship with you. Either way it’s time to let him know where you stand. Short and simple, “lets’ not complicate our friendship, who knows what might happen in the future, but for now let’s keep things like they are.”
LW3 Listen to RR. Peace out.
Well for LW1 it isn’t that he didn’t have the sack to say it, she asked, and he just put his head down and didn’t say a thing. If that doesn’t let you know that he doesn’t want to continue contact then I don’t know what does. I do feel bad for the girlfriend he probably has at home though.
LW3- Um, run. From green eyes, anyway. The friend who revealed his feelings might be a different story, BUT, as someone said earlier this week (I think)- if you ever have to ask yourself “which guy do I choose?” the answer is NEITHER.
Seriously what gives here? I can’t choose between “guy I like who doesn’t want to date me” and “guy who I don’t want to start an LDR with but hey, he’s interested.” Green eyes doesn’t want you, you don’t want to date your friend… have you thought about perhaps being single? Because thats what we’re all gonna tell you to do.
“P.S. Sending your friends to ask whether a guy likes you isn’t sexy.”
One million green thumbs. Unless you are in middle school, this is not the way to land a guy.
Not even in middle school. I did that once, in the lunch line, and he said no. It was awful. 🙁
Mila Kunis could send anyone she wants over to me to let me know that she likes me, and I am going to think it is very sexy! Amiright! I guess celebrities, and models shouldn’t count though.
Haha – same here dude. I would have to question the validity of the person though if she didn’t do it herself though!
cancel a though….God I wish I could edit that.
I actually picture her sending Fez to do it!
Ah but wouldn’t you think it sexier if Mila came over to ask you herself?
Oh yes much sexier, but I would find some way to make anything she does sexy!
STOP CHASING AFTER MEN (or women for that matter)! There is nothing more unattractive. How can people not see how pathetic their behavior is when they are doing it? I understand getting caught up, but once you self-reflect or even slightly evaluate your behavior, the fact that this is not good should jump right out at you.
Agreed. One would think that, over the course of writing the letter to Wendy, it would occur to these people that maybe something is wrong with their approach…
Don’t underestimate the power of lust and Disney movies. I think a lot of people have chased after men (myself included) only to later think, how could I be so stupid? I think it feels more “destined” when you have to work for it.
Hey ive been there too and your last point made me smile. It’s probably very true. But just wish “we” could have to realization come a little sooner than so long after the quasi-relationship ends.
I’m so tired of people who have this insane fear of communication.
LW1: You never made sure to get a confirmation from him that he actually wanted to do long distance. He CLEARLY doesn’t.
LW2: Just tell him the truth!
LW3: This sounds like something I actually did in middle school. At lunch in 8th grade, my friend Ashley asked this guy I liked if he liked me even though we’d never had a conversation. He told you he’s sick of the matchmaker thing and doesn’t want to date (whatever his lame excuse may be). Maybe this is one of those cases when you shouldn’t choose either one, even though there’s only one option really.
Walk away from green eyes. He’s made his intentions clear, and you have to respect that. It’s your only option (besides acting crazy, which I’m assuming you want to avoid).
Long distance guy? Don’t jump into something with him just because he offered. Maybe you’ll develop feelings for him after you finally let go of green eyes. If you do develop them, let it happen organically over a bit of time. Otherwise you may just be “creating” feelings for him so you have someone to love. And if you don’t like him like that, then please don’t waste his time. He obviously cares for you if he’s willing to do long distance, so don’t make him put his real life on hold if your feelings are not entirely mutual. Also, don’t start a relationship with long distance guy if you still have feelings for green eyes. If you see green eyes every day and still like him, that’s too much stress for an LDR, and that’s unfair to long distance guy. Just give it some time with him and see what happens.
LW1: it sounds like you connected more than he did. in every example you gave you did the talking and he was just sort of along for the ride. it doesn’t seem like he was interested before he left. move on and find someone new. but, also when people give you clues like not opening up, not responding to big questions like, do you want to still date me, listen.
LW3: to be honest this guy was being nice. you had a friend go up to him and ask him if he liked you? reallllly? are you 12? if not you are too old for this. the way you went about things would make me uncomfortable around you too.
LW2: listen to wendy and good luck.
Let me say off the bat, the situation in #3 was quite juvenile, confusing and misguided.
However, it isn’t ONLY a “middle school” thing to use a friend to find out about interest. It just matters how it goes.
Let’s say you go to an apartment party (cocktails, not kegs) with your friend Jane for a friend of a friend’s bday (Jane works with the bday boy, Seth; you don’t know him.) You meet him, you chat, you laugh, you flirt. You leave. On the way home, Jane asks what was up with you and Seth. You say you don’t know, you thought he was cute, you’d be interested, what’s his deal? She says she’ll find out.
A few days later at work, Jane stops by Seth’s office, and says, what was up with you and [you]? He says, not sure, she seemed cool, what’s her deal? Jane says that [you] are single and told her had a good time at the party. Seth smiles and says “cool, can I get [your] number?” Jane obliges. He calls you. You get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after in Scarsdale.
That is getting a friend to find out if a boy likes you. It’s just the grown up version. Sure, maybe it would have been better if Seth asked you for your number, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. So don’t knock ALL enlisting of friends to help; sometimes its the way it SHOULD be done.
It kind of creeps me out when my friends hand out my contact info to any dude that asks. Next thing you know, creepy stalker dude shows up at your house with binoculars, a roll of duct tape, and a large axe…all because he told your friend he liked you.
Just sayin’.
But in this scenario, you basically asked her to, to a guy you met and liked. Not that creepy.
Plus, if he can get enough info to go all hannibal lecter on you from your phone number, he can get it from your name/from nothing.
That isn’t strictly true. Getting someone’s address from their phone number is as easy as googling the phone number (Google Phone Book is a creepy, creepy thing). From just a name, especially if they only know your first name, it would require a lot more frightening degree of skill. Email addresses are even harder to track for the average non-hacker. So hand out my gmail address, sure, send him along on Facebook, sure, but don’t give him my number. Unless of course I have already given the ok.
Sorry, this is a total aside from your actual comment.
I lie, I lie. They recently removed that feature from Google, so I guess it’s ok.
i think it’s implied in this example that your friend is talking to the person for you. so you’ve given the ok to give out your number.
and this is definitely the grown up version of what happened in the third letter!
I agree with your situation, but I don’t think it applies in the LW’s case.
In your example, the ‘friend’ who played matchmaker was close with both parties and they were not well acquainted with each other.
In the LW’s case everyone involved has the same level of intimacy with each other, they all work together. She mentioned that she is shy so that is why others have intervened. I can understand why green eyes is freaked out. Not only is the office aware of the fact that he was flirting, but apparently she is sending out minions to ask him out in a vague way.
He probably feels pressured and what was a harmless flirtation is being played out in a very public space with his peers having insider knowledge. He might be worried that if they go out and end up sleeping together the whole office will be privy to their bedroom activities.
I totally agree that its not the same. I just wanted to counter everyone’s “anyone who uses a friend as a go between is acting like a tweeniebopper and sucks at life” because I think that there are cases (like the one I describe) where it is a very normal, mature, helpful way of connecting people.
LW1: He moved on. So should you.
LW2: What Wendy said 🙂
LW3: I think I missed something, because what is it exactly that you don’t want to give up? In my opinion, when the guy gave that line to your friend, he was hoping that no further explanation would be needed.
”He said that he liked me a lot, but there was a reason he hadn’t asked me out YET. Turns out it was because he’s been a bad guy to any girl he’s had or attempted to have a relationship with.”`. Did you think that ”yet” implies that he is thinking about it and spends his free time working out ways not to be the bad guy to you?
Also, what kind of a place you work at, that everyone makes it their business to set you up? If I were in the guy’s place I would feel annoyed and embarrassed too.
As for the other guy, ReginaRey’s got it bang on. If you liked him before his confession, maybe give it a shot. If you didn’t, then you shouldn’t.
Why is it that more and more letters these days sound like they’re written by 14-year-olds? What ADULT would send a co-worker to check out a male interest??? And what adult wouldn’t understand that weeks of unreturned phone calls sends a damn clear message? I’m really not trying to be mean, but I assume these people are at the very least over 18 yet they are acting like 6th graders.
LW1-Get a clue. It doesn’t matter why he isn’t returning your calls. He’s not interested anymore. MOA!
LW2-What Wendy said. Just tell him it’s better and safer for you both to stay friends.
LW3-NEITHER. You clearly don’t know what you want nor can you see the red flag of douchebag even when it’s waving in your face.
I think pulling a fade-out like the guy from letter #1 did is rude, though. I get why guys do it, and I’ve done it myself in the past. BUT, I really, really think that if your interaction with someone extends beyond one date, you owe them some sort of severance notice. It doesn’t have to be in person, it doesn’t have to be over the phone, it just needs to be a simple “I’m not feeling it”. Let’s act like decent human beings to one another!
I called getting “stealth dumped” and I think it sucks. With My last boyfriend, after the 3rd date or so, I made him promise me one thing: if he didn’t want to be with me/hang out anymore, he had to TELL me. If he did that, there’d be no hard feelings. If he didn’t, he would be the biggest asshole in the world. I think its something I’m going to enact in all my dating adventures.
Isn’t it sad people need reminders like that? Hey hun, just remember to actually tell me when you want to dump me, ok, thanks. I don’t mean to say I don’t applaude you for pointing it out. I think its cool and I’d likely do the same. Just says so much that we need to remind people to act human and compassionately.
Yeah, I went on a couple of dates last month with a guy who tried to pull the fade-out. I probably should have just let it go but we’re both students at a small university in a small city, so the likelihood of running into each other in the future is about 100%. I ended up messaging him and saying something along the lines of “it’s cool if you’re not feeling it but it would be nice to hear that from you so it’s not weird when we bump into each other again”. I totally didn’t even expect a reply back since at that point it had been about a week since I last heard from him. To my surprise he did respond a week later. It was a straightforward “it’s been fun but I don’t see it progressing any further” but honestly? I have a lot more respect for him than I did in that intermittent week when I was all “how RUDE” because that’s what a decent person SHOULD do.
I don’t think the guy was rude.. She asked him, and when he didn’t answer, she took it as a yes. Everything after that was just reinforcing the guy’s message, she just chose to ignore it.
But why is he a douchbag? I’ve lied to a couple guys who’ve asked me out if I wasn’t interested. Does that make me a douchbag? “Not interested” isn’t an acceptable answer, so people are forced to make something up- I’m seeing someone, I’m not interested in dating right now, I’m blah blah blah. If he’d just been honest and said he wasn’t interested and left it at that, we’d be calling him an asshole. He’s in a no-win situation just because he didn’t want to date someone?
I agree. I tend to disagree with the opinion that “if he doesn’t answer 100% honestly, he’s a douchebag.” I don’t care if, as an individual, someone would rather hear the truth; that doesn’t make the other person a jerk for sugar-coating it. I think using lines to manipulate people is generally jerky; but to just plain reject them nicely? I don’t think it is.
I agree that he isn’t a douchebag,which I wrote about in my response below.Not that he owed her a reason for not wanting to date her but if he wanted to give her a reason he could’ve given her a better excuse because honestly,”I hurt too many girls” is ridiculous.But apart from that,he was being honest(which is a lot more than we can say about guys who girls frequently write to Wendy about),he said he didn’t want a relationship right now.That may be true.
One area I do disagree though…when I was single I didn’t ever like to tell someone I was seeing someone when I wasn’t.Because if they find out,it’s just embarrassing for me and embarrassing for them.
I fail to see what is wrong with making the excuse for the no about him, rather than her. The truth might be anything from he flirts at the office to hide that he is gay in what he perceives as a homophobic workplace. He might view being approached by friends as juvenile and not want to be hurtful by saying he doesn’t date school girls. He might say he suspects she is shallow and would reject him out of hand if he told her that his eyes weren’t really green, it was just his colored contacts. He might say she’s a little heavy/small busted/tall/short/old/shy for his taste. There really isn’t a good way to politely make it about her. Maybe he is the world’s biggest douche, but if he gave the globally recognized excuse that translates into certain douchehood, why should he be required to reply to LW’s friend ‘just tell her I’m the world’s biggest douche and let it go at that’. I have seen guys who were too shy to ask a girl out. I’ve not seen any that could comfortably flirt with a girl in their workplace and yet be too shy to ask her out. If he flirts with you, but doesn’t ask you out, then he doesn’t want to date you.
Sorry,I’m not sure what you’re disagreeing on with me.My point is,he doesn’t owe her a reason for not wanting to date her and it doesn’t make him a douche for not wanting to date her anyway.But if he wanted to give her a reason,he could’ve made one up.The one he made up about “hurting too many girls” was just absurd and totally transparent,he should have come up with a better reason.But again,he doesn’t owe her any explanation why he doesn’t want to date her.I think his “I don’t want a relationship right now” was perfect.
My sidenote was that if you want to make up a reason to not date someone,which is perfectly acceptable,don’t say you’re already seeing someone if you aren’t because it’s too easy to find out the truth about that.Unless you know you’ll never see the guy again,in which case he may never find out or if he does,it really doesn’t matter.
Not sure why my note attached to yours. It wasn’t meant as a response to your. I know that you basically agree.
Just to clarify, he’s obviously not a douche for not wanting to date her. I was referring to the terrible way he seems to be handling the situation. He made a lame, obviously fake excuse and then shut her out and is making her feel like an idiot, for no apparent reason except that other people thought they should date. THOSE are the jerky red flags she’s ignoring even though they’re big “MOA” billboards.
Right.. He simply should have said, “eh, you’re actually kind of a vapid idiot” instead. Please. I love how everybody on here WANTS and DEMANDS honesty, but then whines like hell when they actually get it….
He clearly didn’t think she was a vapid idiot, considering he was constantly flirting with her……… I would much rather have had him be honest. She wouldn’t be wondering anything if he’d put the truth out there in the first place.
If somebody enlisted my coworkers to find out if I liked them, I totally WOULD think they were a vapid idiot… But maybe that’s just me…
I often enjoy your perspective on the LWs, but maybe – just maybe – interpersonal interactions and dating in the gay community are a bit different than dating in the heterosexual community. Sometimes I think you forget that and assume that a straight man and a straight woman have the same dynamics as two gay men.
Far from it. I am constantly saying that women view sex VERY differently and that is why there are often so many problems with miscommunication. (They all too often think that when a guy has sex with them it means something much deeper than it usually does…) That said, I think ANY many who was confronted with the fact that a coworker was behaving like a ten year old girl would tend to think that coworker was more than a bit of a vapid idiot. Gay or straight, few men would either be very impressed or very attracted.
Generally speaking, I think straight men put up with a lot more.
Actually, yes. Very true. You are definitely right about that! 😉
Most people will flirt just for the fun of it. Its harmless and can make a boring day go quicker. Myself, I flirt all the time :0
He may well think she is a vapid idiot but just to nice to say so.
LW # 3: I guess I’m kind of on the work guy’s side here and he’s getting a hard time. I wouldn’t necessarily call it an excuse, and I hesitate to label it as douchey or bullshit either. He doesn’t owe you a reason so it doesn’t matter what you think of it. He doesn’t owe you anything. His answer was no- you don’t have a choice in that.
LW1 – If you don’t like the term “fling”, consider yourself a “temporary romance”. These are usually spontaneous interludes where an individual in a new place meets a local and has a brief relationship with them that mimics a real relationship for the duration of that individual’s stay in the community. I remember a gorgeous Irish guy in the spring/summer of ’99. 22 years old (him) and very willing to be led around Alaska to see the sights (and completely adventurous enough to have sexual romps around and on some of those out of the way sights). We wrote/sent pictures/post cards and emailed for a few years after until I got married and my husband put a stop to it, but we knew no true relationship would ever come of it.
LW2 – Can’t really say much. Wendy did for me.
LW3 – He likes the thrill of the flirt. That’s all. If he wanted to date you, he would have asked. When you had someone else ask if he liked you, it sent a “I’m still a child” message. When someone else asked as well, then he got the “I’m an insecure child” message, even if you weren’t the one who sent that second person. So, the thrill of the flirt is gone because he’s not flirting with a woman, but a child. It’s over. Move on. Find someone local. Your friend isn’t in town, so you will still be insecure about THAT relationship, and honey, that isn’t a good place to be.
LW3 – I volunteer every other Sunday at a local radio station. Every time, I have a quick conversation with the guy who mans the parking structure. He’s friendly, kind of attractive, and we both write poetry so we’d talk about writing techniques and our projects. A while back, we exchanged numbers and we flirted a bit. He asked me to call him later that day. I did, and he was completely different, cold and aloof. I quickly ended the call, saying it appeared I caught him at at bad time. On my next scheduled Sunday, the pattern repeated – back to friendly, charming, flirty guy who wanted me to call, I called and got cold, distant guy. The third time around, he was back to the old routine. This time when he went into flirty “call me” mode, I told him I thought it best if he called me when he was free to talk.
Guess who never called and never will? Guess who still flirts when they see me? His routine is just another one of the inevitable, and forgettable, parts of a daily routine. (Brush teeth, get dressed, check e-mail, let flirty guy’s empty talk pass through one ear and out the other, pour cup of coffee before beginning work.) It is what it is. Sometimes I play the game, sometimes I don’t, but I know it’s meaningless, so it doesn’t matter.
Some guys just like the idea of being desirable and flirty because they feel like they are in control of things, relationship wise. Once you make that move past that, they aren’t in charge or control and there’s no more fun for them.
You don’t want that guy in your life in any significant way. If you feel like flirting should he decide to play that game again, go for it. It gives you some practice with someone who will never act on it. If you don’t, then put a stop to it along the lines of, “I think it’s best if we’re friendly, so I think we should stop the flirting.” Understand no matter what happens, this guy will never be the guy for you. Also know this guy’s behavior is no reflection on you. He is who he is, such as he is. Just because he’s flirty and flaky doesn’t mean you’re undesirable, unattractive, or won’t meet a really cool guy who is into you and your flirting and wants to move forward. It’ll happen.
And next time, if you’re into a guy, work up the nerve to say it yourself, no matter how hard it may seem. It will give you a better read on where that guy’s head lies, and it puts you in control of your social and romantic life.
LW1 – The first clue that this was all about sex was when you began to notice he wasn’t telling you anything about himself. If someone is into you, they want you to tell you all about themselves. Small stuff, significant stuff, silly stuff, serious stuff…they want to share their stuff with you.
The second clue was when you had to ask about airports and travel. If someone is into you but doesn’t live near you, they want to begin figuring out logistics as soon as possible.
The final clue was the vanishing act. If someone is into you, they don’t just vanish into thin air.
Move on, and use those clues this guy left you as signposts in future relationships. He may not have been into you and just using you for whatever, but at least he left behind three really cool gifts for you to use when you are taking stock of your future dating prospects.
And speaking of leaving behind gifts, you may want to get yourself tested, because there’s always the slim chance he was leaving behind other women he was sleeping with along with you. Especially since he wasn’t forthcoming about details about himself. I doubt this was the case going by what you describe, but you never can be too careful.
LW2 – When you take Wendy’s excellent advice, do it at a time when it’s not going to feel especially shredding. It’s going to be hard for him to hear you only want to be his friend, so if you can, try to keep the talk from happening at an especially awkward moment between the two of you. No matter when you do it, be prepared for him to have hurt feelings or be upset at you. Don’t take it too hard if he does, and don’t beat yourself up if you do have to have that talk at an especially awkward moment.
Oh yeah, don’t send mixed messages either. By that I mean don’t have the talk, then behave towards him in such a manner that would indicate you want to have a relationship with him. It will make an awkward situation even more awkward, leading to more hurt feelings.
Good luck!
I wouldn’t call the green-eyed guy LW 3 likes a douchebag.Sure he could’ve come up with a better excuse (not that he owed her a reason to begin with).”I hurt too many girls” is definitely lame and an eye-roller.And who knows,maybe he’s the immature type–the self-pitying type who likes to brood.But looking past that…he said he didn’t like her and didn’t want a relationship with anyone.That may very well be true–maybe he’s not in a place in his life to have a relationship.Certainly he doesn’t want one with the LW.If someone likes us and we don’t like them,it doesn’t make us douchebags.A guy telling us he isn’t interested in us is not him being a douchebag.If he insults us(I think that was a previous letter),then yes.I just find it amazing how we’re always talking about wanting a guy to be honest and as soon as we come across a letter where the guy IS being honest…he’s a douchebag.
And yeah,LW…of course he started acting differently around you.You pulled a kindergarten move by getting your friends to ask him if he liked you.Who does that past middle school?I don’t even know high schoolers who do that.
I was in the douchebag camp before, but reading the comments has definitely made me reconsider. Yeah, it was a lame excuse, but at least he didn’t completely ignore the question like LW1’s guy!
LW 1 — He is just NOT that into you.
LW 3 — I don’t think the guy is being a douche at all. Especially since they work together. I mean, if he has a track record of relationships ending badly, why would he WANT to date somebody at work? Seriously. Meanwhile, the fact that she was so immature and chose to foolishly involve others at the office like they were fellow third graders at Lewis & Clark Elementary probably made his decision NOT go for it even easier…
lewis and clark elementary! i went to the one in st. peters, mo. i probably did do something like that in 3rd grade, hah! 🙂
Mine was up in Fargo, N.D. 🙂