“He Blew Me Off On My Birthday”
I was engaged before and when we met I was in no rush to be engaged again. After two years, I felt ready and started patiently waiting for him to pop the question. That was 3 1/2 years ago. Although I have made it pretty clear I want to get married (no tantrums, but in the last year I have brought it up on more than one occasion, talked about started a family) nothing has happened.
Yesterday was my 31st birthday. I try not to set expectations but every holiday, birthday, and Valentine’s Day that passes I dream that this will be the day he asks me to marry him. This year for my birthday I asked few days beforehand that we go to a particular restaurant to celebrate, but when I got home from work, he told me we were not going out for dinner – his brother was coming over to work on their race car. Although I appreciated the flowers he sent me at work, I was extremely hurt that on my birthday he chose to spend the evening in the garage. He didn’t even call me to let me know so that I could have arranged to spend my birthday evening with friends (whom I had turned down all week because I told them he was taking me out for dinner).
I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat, but I 100% support his hobby of racing. I’m there at the track every weekend he goes, cooking meals for the crew, video taping and supporting. I am understanding when he can’t make it to weddings (even ones that I am a bridesmaid in) or family events (like my father’s 60th birthday) when he has an event planned at the race track – I even spent an entire winter cooking meals and hanging out with his brother (who slept on our couch) without complaining while they rebuilt the race car. I know it’s important to him so I make it important to me. I just hoped for my birthday, that his interests could be put on hold for a night. I feel like I am constantly putting 100% of myself into our relationship and am left feeling a little under-appreciated and unfulfilled.
I don’t want to make him out to sound like a terrible guy because he is far from that. He’s funny and loving and my best friend, but sometimes I feel like I’m putting all of my heart and soul into something that isn’t.. I don’t know… what I’m looking for? I was 25 when we started dating and now I’m 31. I feel like I have so little time left to fulfill my dreams of having a family and I’m afraid — petrified, actually — of wasting it. Am I fighting a losing battle or should I just be happy with the way things are and the part of him I that I have? — Unfulfilled at 31
Yes. Yes, you should move on from this relationship because any man who would blow you off repeatedly on special occasions — your birthday, your father’s 60th birthday, a wedding you’re in — to work on his race car that he works on all the time is not only not marriage material, he’s not even boyfriend material. He sure as shit isn’t father material. Could you imagine having a family with this man?! “Sorry, honey, I know you’re in labor but I can’t take you to the hospital because I have to work on my race car!” Or “Sorry, I’m going to have to miss Junior’s big game because it’s the same day as my big race.” Please. If a man doesn’t treat you well before you get married, he’s not going to treat you well after you get married — not that he’s ever given any real indication that he wants to marry you anyhow. And if he doesn’t treat YOU well, and he’s not going to treat your kids well either.
Being a parent is hard work. It’s much, much harder than being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend. If your boyfriend can’t even get his shit together and pull himself away from his hobbies long enough to to take you out for a birthday dinner, then girl, he’s going to make a lousy dad. Period.
You deserve better. But as long as you stay in an unfulfilling relationship with a thoughtless man who can’t focus on you for one freakin’ evening, you won’t have any better. So get out. Give yourself one of the best belated birthday gifts you could — the opportunity for a better future. Give yourself the chance at the life you want, whether that’s happily single or with a man who loves you and appreciates you the way you want to be loved and appreciated. At 31, you still have plenty of time to have that family you so desperately want. But it won’t happen with the man you’re currently with. MOA. Move on, get therapy if you believe you don’t deserve better than this, and make yourself available for the life you dream of.
And if you won’t do that, then at the very least, ask him to start paying you for all the help you give him with his business and the cooking you do for him and his brother while they play with their cars, because it sounds like what you are is his employee, not a girlfriend, and if you’re not going to get a birthday dinner out of the deal, you may as well start collecting a paycheck.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
agree with Wendy’s advice 100%….LW while your boyfriend is not overtly abusive he is definitely neglectful (a form of abuse as far as I am concernced)….his selfishness is unreal….not only is someone like this not marriage material but he is absolutely not father material….you deserve someone better….it takes two people to have a relationship, not one person doing all the work and one person doing all the benefitting….if it was me i would leave….hope you consider doing the same
“I know I probably sound like a spoiled brat” You, with out a doubt, are NOT a spoiled brat for wanting your boyfriend of over 5 years to have dinner with you on your birthday. No way, no how.
I guess my one question is, have you TOLD him you’re feeling unfulfilled and need more? Because if you’re always putting on a happy face, but being unhappy behind the scenes, he might very well think you are truly happy. So yeah, I would say talk to him.
Holy crap, Wendy, you’re amazing today! I couldn’t even get through half of your advice on this one without telling you that. Damn! Going back to finish now…
Oh God, I got kind of angry reading this! LW, if you want something, like getting married or starting a family, you can ask your partner for that. And if he’s not on board with it and will still not be on board with it within a reasonable timeframe, then yes, you can give him an ultimatum (ultimatums are A-OK in my book if you really mean them and they aren’t empty threats) and end the relationship if needed. It’s called standing up for what you want in your heart of hearts. I promise once you start doing that, you will feel so much better, even if you do not get what you want in the short term. Because you will then stand in a good relationship with yourself, which is so much more important than whether you’re single or partnered up.
While I agree that blowing you off for your birthday dinner was freaking rude, I don’t think this guy is as bad as Wendy is making him out to be. The LW has bent over backwards for his racing in the past. She encouraged it and “made it important to her”. So, whiles yes, the dinner thing is shitty, his overall behavior isn’t, because she encouraged it.
But that’s not really this issue here. LW, you want to get married and start a family, and it sounds like your boyfriend isn’t there yet. You need to have a serious discussion about your future. Flat out ask him “Do you want to marry me?” If the answer is Yes, ask him what his time frame is. If you’re not ok with that, then MOA. Don’t waste any more time.
Also, if you stay with him, stop encouraging behavior that ultimately you don’t like. If you want him to come to family events or weddings with you, then let that be known. If you want him to put your events ahead of his racing sometimes, you need to tell him that instead of being supportive to the point of being a doormat.
So, I actually disagree with Wendy a little. LW, It is time for you to be assertive. You want things in life and rather than ask for them, you just cook more or be more of a doormat and hope that he notices? I think you are so worried about the word Nag or Bitch that you won’t stand up and say what you want. You say you quietly understand when he misses big events but really you resent him for not realizing that you are angry. Guess what, tell him that you are angry, let him know that he has disappointed you. Let him face you and explain why he won’t be there. I think it is unfair to avoid conflict for years then break up with him when he has no idea there is a problem. This whole thing sounds passive aggressive. If you love him, give him a chance to step up and be the man you think he is.
Wendy said:
“And if you won’t do that, then at the very least, ask him to start paying you for all the help you give him with his business and the cooking you do for him and his brother while they play with their cars, because it sounds like what you are is his employee, not a girlfriend, and if you’re not going to get a birthday dinner out of the deal, you may as well start collecting a paycheck.”
Yes.
I don’t think this is MOA territory yet unless you’ve already had several big fights about this and nothing has happened. As Gator Girl said, it may be that you’ve been such a good sport about everything that he thinks that you’re totally happy with this. You are putting 80% into this relationship. It’s time for you to stand up for yourself and ask him to put you first.
Furthermore, even if you’re going to give him more time, I think it may be time to move out and stop being his cook, employee and nursemaid. Don’t be asking him to marry you right this minute (you don’t even know if you should marry him at this point), but explicitly give him six months to turn this around and to start treating you like a real person who is deserving of consideration. I think you need to see evidence that he can do that for a sustained period of time. (I think he does deserve six months because you guys have been together so long and you may have misled him as to what you need from the relationship. He may well break up with you, though, if a more equitable relationship is the last thing he wants.)
As Wendy said, if you extrapolate this situation forward into young parenthood, there’s no reason to see it ending happily–he can’t be a good father or husband if he can’t even pull off being an adequate boyfriend. At the moment, it sounds like he’s living his dream–he’s got the big job, an exciting hobby, a girlfriend who picks up the slack with his job and his hobby. He doesn’t have any problems. It’s time to get him some.
You may want to do some therapy about your abortion. It may be that your guilt over the abortion is what’s behind your give-give-give relationship with your boyfriend and your belief that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect.
I think Wendy makes a really important point, which a ton of people who read this site daily really need to hear. And that is, if he’s not a good boyfriend now, he’s not likely to make a great husband or father.
It’s unclear to me how much communication the LW and her boyfriend have. If she has repeatedly communicated her needs and he has rejected them, then yes, absolutely, move on. However, this guy might just be completely oblivious and she may very well just need to sit down with him and make explicitly clear what she wants and needs. And she also needs to make clear that if he is unable or unwilling to give it to her these things, she is leaving.
I am continually baffled by people who write to Wendy or write on the forums when they say, “Well, I’ve told my boyfriend I want to get married, and he either says no or doesn’t respond. Is that a reason to break up?” YES. Breaking up with someone because they don’t want to marry you is an INCREDIBLY good reason to break up. Probably the best reason ever.
Therapy, therapy, therapy, therapy. Girl, go work on your self-confidence. Because you deserve better, and screw your partner for one hot second, you deserve better from yourself. Your boyfriend sounds rude and inconsiderate, but you sound so self-effacing that I’m really not surprised. If you need or want something, you ask for it. You don’t mention it and hope he gets the point, you say, “I need this thing.” or “I need you to do this thing.” and none of that wishy-washy mama-may-I crap. You start by figuring out what you want and you need and then you have a conversation with your boyfriend where you tell him point-blank, “Here is what I want and need to be happy in this relationship. Can you give me that?” Then if he can’t or doesn’t follow through, then you move on and find someone who will.
Stop sitting at home waiting for him to notice that you’re lonely and he spends too much time with his car. Stop waiting for him to present you with a ring when it doesn’t sound like you’ve had a single serious conversation about marriage (“mentioning” it absolutely does not count). Have some serious sit-down discussions about time frames and values and expectations. You can’t act as a martyr to the relationship and expect better treatment in the same breath. Therapy would absolutely help you conquer the fear of speaking up and the feeling you don’t deserve better, so get thee to it. And yes, you do have time because you’ll make time and yes, you can afford it if you look around for resources and get a little creative (maybe ask your boyfriend for some of the gonzo dollars he has to be spending on his hobby)
“…bought a piece of land to build our future home on.”
Noooooo!
“I see friends who have been in a relationship a lot less time than us getting married and starting families and I wonder if maybe I’m just not the girl people want to marry?”
Or maybe you’re doing all the good wifely stuff for him that he wants from you, so he feels like his life can’t possibly get any better if you get married?
Stop thinking of this as some sort of game show or reality show where you need to go all out to demonstrate how worthy you are of him and how completely you are willing to obliterate yourself in order to win him. This is a two way street. Is he husband and father material? Does he want to make the sacrifices involved in being your husband and the father of your children?
By the way, how much does he spend on this racing hobby? Is it eating up a lot of money that if you were married and/or had kids, you would resent? Also, is it a dangerous hobby?
LW, you say that you’ve waited patiently for years and have quietly let him put racing before you as though it’s something to be proud of and a way to prove that you’re not too demanding. But it’s not something to be proud of. It’s important to be able to express your needs in a relationship and make sure they are being fulfilled. Marriage is not about waiting around until a guy surprises you with a ring. It’s a decision that two people need to come to when they’re both ready, not before and not years after. You said you brought it up, but the fact that you didn’t elaborate makes me think that you didn’t have an actual, two-way conversation. Did you ask him if he wants to marry you or what his timeline is?
It’s also not fair to you to sit around and let him ditch you on your birthday or put racing first. Overall, you need to stand up for yourself more. So, talk to him and ask him about marriage, and if it’s not OK with you, then MOA. I’d also tell him that you’re unhappy with how little priority he places on your relationship, and I’d be wary of marrying him unless that changes, because I wouldn’t want my life to be me stepping aside so my partner can work on his car all the time.
Im sorry LW but you need to MOY and in the future when you know what you want after 2 years…. dont waste another 3 1/2 years deluding yourself. Its ok to have internal deadlines. Its also ok to not by property and stop taking care of someone who isnt giving you what you need.
You’ve been clear. You just hhaven’t wanted to receive the clear message he was sending. Actions mean something and his are clearly telling you he doesnt want you as his wife
Is it just me or is 5and a half years more than enough time to decide whether or not you want to marry someone? It’s one thing if you’re teenagers but late 20’s/ early 30″s? I would have given him 3 years tops. Go find someone who wants to marry you (he doesn’t) while you’re still young. But first you need to address your lack of self-esteem. You are so not a “spoiled brat”.
What I don’t get, LW, is have you actually *talked* to your boyfriend about marriage? Because telling him, “I’m ready to get engaged now” is not talking to him. Does he actually want to marry you? You can’t just magically expect him to propose every holiday if he hasn’t TOLD you he wants to get married.
It’s the worst when you’re pouring yourself into a relationship, doing everything right, and they still aren’t the person you need them to be. We’ve all been there girl. You can’t will him to marry you, or care about your, or treat you right. He has to want to do those things on his own. Get out now and meet someone that will be honored to be everything you need.
Doing all those things that you do for him is great, but there is a fine line between being a good girlfriend and being a doormat. The difference is balance. What does he do for you? From your description, it doesn’t sound like much. Do you have any hobbies or interests that he supports? (If not, get some. Everybody needs hobbies. They take you out of yourself and give you the opportunity to focus on life outside of your relationship.) It sounds like he’s got it pretty good. He’s got someone who cooks for him, cheers him on at the race track, lets his brother sleep on the couch for an entire winter…why should he change anything? He’s got maximum benefits for minimum investment. Wendy is right. You have to look at how a man treats you now, because that is how he will treat you throughout your relationship. Sure, you could mention to him how you’re feeling unfulfilled and under-appreciated. He isn’t a mind reader, after all. But then, pay attention to the reaction. Does he make an effort to change things? If your relationship matters to him, he will. But if he doesn’t, there’s your answer. Frankly, I think that if he were on the same page as you about getting married and having kids, he would be bringing it up too. At 31 years old, time’s a-wastin’. If you want to have kids, and this isn’t the guy to have them with, you need to get out there and find the one who is.
Unfortunately unless you start setting some hard timelines for yourself you are going to be engaged for another 5 years once it happens. You are going to put it off, because he has a big race coming up, or something his brother is doing is more important. So you have to have a serious talk with this dude, let him know you want to get married, and not in 11 hundred years, and then set a timeline for yourself, and if something doesn’t happen by then, you need to leave, because he has you very low on his priority list right now.
Oh no. As I was reading this, I actually thought it was one of my friends, but she has not had an abortion and is not 31.
I think you need to talk to him and see how willing he is to work around what you want. He should not be missing 60th birthdays and YOUR birthday for a hobby. It’s one thing if Jeff Gordon is giving away free hugs and the only day is on your birthday, but if this hobby is always consuming your time with him, you may need to step it up and talk to him. Give him a chance to make any requisite changes before you move on.
And darling, you are not being punished for having an abortion, and I really just want to give you hugs so you don’t think that. You made a choice at 19. Don’t keep punishing yourself for a choice you made over ten years ago. Don’t stay in an unhappy relationship because you think it is what you deserve.
Tone it down on the devotion to his hobby, find some of your own hobbies and interests. Make more time for your friends, your life, and what you want. Tell him you will be doing these things, and you would like for him to join you. If he can’t or won’t, then maybe it is time re-evaluate what you want out of life and if you are willing to settle for less.
Don’t stay in a crappy relationship where your needs aren’t met just because you think you deserve it and/or you are afraid of being alone. Being alone is tough, but it provides its own beautiful opportunities.
I am always surprised when women say that they want to be married, so they are thinking of leaving. Hm. So let me get this straight? You want to spend the rest of your life with this person and since they aren’t there yet, you want to straight up bounce? What doesn’t add up about this? I respect that you don’t want to give him an ultimatum…but what about, I don’t know, TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THIS?!
Now, if this is an issue of you two not being compatible, that is different….is that what you are questioning here? It sounds like you are being an adult and he’s still a child. But men are like that sometimes. This warrants a serious conversation between the two of you if you ask me. A serious sit down, make-or-break time conversation.
Blowing off major occasions is a red flag, but that doesn’t mean you should just up and leave without giving him a chance to rise to the occasion. But here is my bottom line (and it’s always my bottom line) if you don’t love him enough to give him a chance to hear you out and meet your needs, then you just don’t love him enough. And in that case, it’s time to MOA.
I saw so much of myself in this letter. No, I wasn’t with my ex for five years, but for 2, and I always felt like I was putting in 95% and he was only putting in 5%. You’ve got to decide what you want honey, and this guy just doesn’t seem like he wants to get married. Believe me, I’ve been where you are, and it’s soooo hard to see it while you’re in the relationship, but it becomes so much clearer from the outside. You live with him, you take care of him, and you put up with his crap, so he has no incentive to marry you. It wasn’t until I started not putting up with my ex’s crap and forcing the marriage conversation and saying that I wanted to be treated better…..and then he broke up with me. And I was devastated. But now I see it as a good thing. Now I’m not in a relationship with the wrong person. So you have got to ask yourself, do you just want to get married? Or do you love this person and are you willing to put up with this treatment? I think Wendy is right. You deserve so much better. And please don’t beat yourself up for the abortion. One has nothing to do with the other. Good luck sweetie.
I can’t add anything advice wise, but I just want to say this is why I won’t date anyone who is really into cars. Or super involved in any hobby like crossfit, videogames, etc….It’s great to have passions, but not when they cause you to lose priority over what is important and who is important in life.
I really, really hope that he hasn’t made you feel like these REASONABLE requests make you high-maintenance. The tone of your letter worries me, LW.
Quite frankly, he should have seen you on your birthday. He should be accompanying you to weddings. JFC, working on a car is not something important. Period. You are more important than a silly hobby.
I’m not sure what to say about this letter. On the one hand, it seems clear that BF is perfectly content to have an indefinite live-in GF who does the cooking and cheers him on and makes him the center of her universe while he just …. exists comfortably within it. But, on the other hand, I’d venture a guess that he doesn’t really know that the LW is upset about any of this: resentful that he has not proposed, angry that she’s putting so much into the relationship for what she feels is nothing and pissed that he blew off her birthday. I think it is possible he may even not be totally aware that they had plans to go out to XYZ Restaurant for her birthday. I’d also bet that if he knew how upset she really was, he would propose, or discuss a timetable for it, pay more attention to her and probably do a make up birthday dinner. This just seems like a tale of one person expects the other person to just know things, and the other person doesn’t and most likely isn’t putting much effort into trying because, well, it’s all working out well for him, as is. Or he could just be an asshole who is taking advantage of the LW and stringing her along for the last 5 years, including moving in, buying a dog and property together.
Listen, LW. It seems like you have some issues with being assertive. That is okay, a lot of people do. But, you’ve been with this guy for 5 years. It’s time to speak up, if for no other reason than to see what happens when you do. If he changes, you have your answer. If he doesn’t, you also have your answer. But, either way, you know. Tell him that you want to talk about a timeline for marriage and kids. Tell him you want to set aside X days a week/month whatever, just for you two to do things. And tell him you are angry, hurt and disappointed that he blew off your birthday and that you honestly want to hear from him where he sees this going. And then, if he hems and haws and maybes and makes it clear that what he sees in your future doesn’t line up with what you see, MOA.
But don’t fester in anger and resentment or, for gods sake, think you deserve less in life because you had an abortion at 19. Life doesn’t work like that, and those feelings are simply unresolved issues that you need to go see a therapist or counselor about. If you take no other advice, please do that.
“Although I have made it pretty clear I want to get married (no tantrums, but in the last year I have brought it up on more than one occasion, talked about started a family) nothing has happened.”
LW, if this is true and your boyfriend is aware of your feelings, then the only conclusion to draw is that he doesn’t want to marry you or have children with you. I’m sorry, that must be devastating to realize. You need to be strong and end this relationship. If at all possible, get into therapy to address your issues so that you can have a healthy relationship in the future.
Being the super-supportive girlfriend is overrated! All you get for you efforts is to be taken for granted. And that’s exactly what’s happening here. I bet he DOES love you, but you are making it way too easy for him to be selfish. I find that I am nurturing by nature, so I have lived this several times before. Learn from my mistakes!
I’m not sure it’s too late and that you need to MOA. But it is time to start distancing yourself. Don’t be as accommodating, express your anger when you are blown off, and do not settle for crumbs. Go out with friends, don’t ask if he’s ok with it, just do it. Don’t call him or text when you are out. Call him out on it every time he takes you for granted or blows you off. Don’t be so “understanding”. Don’t cook for him. Don’t do his laundry. Do your own thing for a while. Make sure you have some interests that don’t include him. Make him a male version of a “football widow” for a bit.
Give him a chance to miss you. Let him know you aren’t happy and that if things don’t change, you are out. After a while, men lose interest in women that are doormats but they will stick it out because life is so easy with them. So don’t be one! You can do it! It’s a hard thing to change, but you can. It really took me until I was exactly your age to start seeing how I was hurting myself in relationships by doing the same exact thing you are. It was MY way-too-easygoing behavior that needed to change, not whatever guy I was with at the time.
It amazes me how many women who ARE desperate to get married seemingly go out of their way to date guys who have ZERO interest in getting married… Most everybody is playing another thrilling round of lets bag on the guy here, but… Have you even ever openly discussed marriage? Honestly, you can’t rent a studio apartment and then spend years dreaming about how one special day it’ll magically morph into a four bedroom house with a white picket fence…
Look in a mirror and repeat after me…you deserve better, you deserve better, you deserve better.
And by that I mean, you deserve to believe that you can state what you want (i.e., “I expect this relationship to grow into something that leads to marriage,” or “I expect for you to celebrate special occasions with me or let me know in advance that you can’t so I can make other plans”) without fear of being let down or disappointed when what you don’t ask for doesn’t happen, you deserve to be with someone who will treat you the way you wish to be treated, and you deserve to believe that you don’t have to settle for a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs because you think the universe is punishing you for a very important decision you made 12 years ago.
Please go see a therapist or counselor to help you learn how to love and feel better about yourself. You deserve that most of all. And when (not if, when) you go, please talk openly and candidly about your experience with your abortion and why you believe you’re being punished for it. There’s so much going on there that needs to be resolved in order for you to move forward happily.
Be well, and keep repeating this: You deserve better. It’s up to you to go and make this so.
Let me get this straight, you asked him to take you out for your birthday and he didn’t. Why exactly do you want to marry this guy? If I asked my ‘best friend’ out to dinner on my birthday, I’m pretty sure she/he would say yes!
Women. Seperate your want to get married from your want to marry the man you are with. Make sure you have both before proceeding.
I loved Wendy’s response. But here’s my follow up question: what if you KNOW you deserve better – without a doubt you know the dude is not good for you, that he’s not good in general, and that you deserve better – but you don’t FEEL that you will ever get better?
Hmph.
A common trend I see in letters to Wendy are women who are afraid to stand up for what they want and need. And they say things like, “I don’t want to give him an ultimatum.” Or, “Am I being unreasonable asking for this?” Or, “Am I crazy? Am I being a spoiled brat?”
In this LW’s case, the overwhelming chorus is that she needs to stand up for what she wants and needs. Are some women are just afraid to stand up for themselves in general? OR they know that sometimes commenters on here and can be very harsh and judgmental towards letter writers. Maybe they’re just trying to protect themselves against a barage of snarky or harsh comments?
Because how many times on this site have people said, “This letter writer is crazy!” Maybe it makes letter writers with legitmate concerns hesitant or shy to write in.
LW-
So you and I have pretty similar situations. I’ve been dating my SO for over 5 years (we’re a little younger than you- we’re both 23) and he has a love affair with cars. I know what it’s like to go to the track or to reserve my Friday nights in the summer for the car show.
HOWEVER- what’s going on with you is not normal. My bf’s life long dream is to attend the Bonneville Speed week, and for the first time, he has the means to accomplish that. However, I graduate from my program during that very week. Do you know what he said? “There will be another Speed Week next year”. When I ask him to go to weddings, holidays, and family events- he complies. We don’t spend every weekend doing “car stuff”. We BOTH make sure to schedule time for things that I would like to do.
Talk to him about your needs not being met. And if he won’t listen or make a significant change, it’s time to MOA.
Again. If you want to get married…. Date somebody who CLEARLY wants to get married…
Dropping hints isn’t going to help. Men aren’t mind readers, you need to let him know what you want and need from the relationship. My husband told me this a few years ago when I felt things were going sour on us. It all boils down to communication.
Good luck!
Have you actually had a sit-down talk with him and laid it all out on the line? Bringing up marriage and kids is all well and good, but a person can’t change things if they don’t actually know that you consider the issues to be a problem. Many guys don’t take hints. Especially when they are as self-absorbed as your guy appears to be.
Sit him down, tell him exactly what you are feeling, and how you’d like it to change and what HE can do to change things. See what his reaction is.
Stop being a doormat to this guy. Cut back on helping him with his race stuff. He hasn’t supported you with your obligations/hobbies, why are you so damned gung-ho for his?
You are unofficially a consultant and employee for his business. If he isn’t paying you for your time, he should be. If you were to get injured while working for him, if you aren’t a documented employee, you may not be able to get any help with the medical bills from his worker’s comp insurance.
Start spending more time with your friends and pull away from his extracurriculars a bit. If he doesn’t notice, or makes demands of your time without spending any time with you doing things you like – just walk. If he refuses to change, or starts for a week or two and then slides back into old habits and refuses to change after you’ve brought it up – leave. You’re right that you aren’t getting any younger, however, you do have time to meet someone new and have the family that you WANT and deserve.
Nobody deserves to be in second place to their partner’s hobby. Racing is his hobby. If he can’t change, he isn’t good husband material, and speaking as someone who knows bad fathers – he isn’t going to be a good father to any children if he acts like this.
I have known lots of women in this position. I have known lots of men (who are friends of mine) who were your boyfriend. These guys were selfish through and through, did what they wanted when they wanted, didn’t really do anything their girlfriends wanted unless it happened to align with what they were doing anyway. What ends up happening invariably is that they became less selfish and more accommodating when they met the women they were going to marry. Not because she made him become that person through an ultimatum, but because he wanted to please her and spend the rest of his life making her happy. You don’t have that from your boyfriend, and I just think you will spend the rest of your life wondering why you’re not the person he drops everything for.
LW you don’t sound like a spoiled brat, you sound like a doormat. 5 and a half years, when you are 31 and want a marriage and family, is FAR too long to sit around twiddling your thumbs patiently waiting for your boyfriend to propose. Marriage should have been a serious discussion years ago. What the hell is wrong with women that they’re so freaking scared of what they want? What’s the worst that could happen, you scare away some dude who only wants to be in the relationship so long as he doesn’t have to give anything back? Seriously, Wendy must get sick of reading letters from people who think they deserve so little in life. I know I do.
Sometimes when your upset about something I think the last thing you should do is sit down with a keyboard to vent your frustrations, which is exactly what i did after my birthday. I was hurt by my boyfriend choosing to spend the evening in the garage on my birthday and then I sat back looking at all of the other things (that didn’t bother me at the time) and started putting them all together and making a big deal out of them after the fact. Which is crazy woman behavior and I pride myself on not being one of those women.
Though i agree with some of the people who took time to comment – I can sometimes be a door mat, i do sometimes let people treat me a certain way and then feel resentful about it later – these are things i have become aware of in the last few years and have been trying to work on. They are traits I learned from growing up with a mother who was constantly putting herself last to try and please her husband and everyone else around her. The reason I have waited so long for my boyfriend to pop the question is because he was clueless. for the first two years of our relationship I wasn’t interested and then for the next two I just sat around passive agressively waiting. It’s only in the last year we have openly talked about it – so really, it’s all new to him. Just like I have learned some bad traits from my mother, he has learned some from his family. He didn’t have a great childhood – a father who didn’t step up to the plate, who cheated and treated his mother poorly. For those reasons, i don’t think marriage was a top priority for him until recently. Our relationship is a good one and he tells me constantly that now he knows what a good relationship should and could be.
I questioned if i should move on because I was hurt by his selfishness. I emailed in haste before I actually sat down and talk with him about how badly his actions hurt my feelings. He does tend to make racing a priority because it’s something he loves. I encourage him to race because it relieves some of the stress from his daily life. I grew up around cars, I enjoy the track, generally (other than the birthday incident) I do not feel neglected. When he missed the wedding and the other family event, I was ok with it. It wasn’t until after the birthday incident that i let myself make a big deal out of something that didn’t bother me before. What i didn’t say in the original email because I was being a self pitying cry baby – is that other than my birthday (yes, it should have been a priority – he knows he did wrong and has apologized for disappointing me and making me feel second best; birthdays were never something celebrated in his house) is that I am extremely lucky to have found such a wonderful guy. He loves me. We spend more time than the average couple together and never fight. Not because i am afraid of conflict or sit biting my bleeding tongue but because we generally don’t have anything to FIGHT over. We talk things out. In the past i didn’t say when things bothered me, i let them fester and eventually blew up over something small and insignificant because that is the behavior I have been taught. In this relationship I have grown more mature. My boyfriend has taught me to speak my mind and he listens to me. I am the super supportive girlfriend because I want to be – He makes me want to be that girlfriend because I feel good when I can do something special for him. I regret writing the letter and I regret reading the comments because I feel like you all had a good time bashing a great guy that I poorly represented when i wrote the stupid letter in the first place. I also don’t understand how from the few paragraphs people decided I was a woman without hobbies or friends? Or that i’m slaving away in his company risking getting injured on the job when i said I listen to him talk and help him out (with paperwork) when i can. I thought that’s what a good relationship was? I work a full 40 hours a week at my own job, Dedicate at least 20 hours to my own company that i am trying to get off the ground and have plenty of friends. I find it sad that so many of you would recommend someone throw away a long term relationship so quickly and only one reader questioned there be a second side to the story. I also find it sad that Bitter Gay mark is such an unhappy and hateful man.
The fact of the matter is that I can’t picture myself with someone else. I thank you all for responding to my letter – it took reading your comments telling me to move on and leave the abusive (seriously?!) boyfriend to remind me how thankful I have him in my life. He’s not perfect – sometimes he can be a little selfish or oblivious to little things (who can’t?!) but he is the only guy i know who stands in the card isle for hours at Christmas time reading each one picking out the perfect card that suits me just right because he thinks the words they write are the most important gift at Christmas. I won’t write again – hell, I won’t even read again.
Good riddance to you then. I’m sure his meaningful apology will fix everything. I am excited for you to waste another 5 years with him being all talk and no action. By then your eggs should be nice and dried up. Keep on keeping on…
Glad to hear it was just a big misunderstanding.
I love the humor in the first line. So awesome. Good luck, LW.
So, you’re blaming everybody for believing your original letter? That doesn’t make any sense.
Well, I’m super glad that there was never a reason for you to write in after all…except there totally was. I’m sorry, but all those things you obsess over when you’re pissed off? Those are ACTUAL problems that you are ignoring the rest of the time. And yes, everyone is a little selfish sometimes. My own boyfriend is…like when he eats all the snacks in the cupboard, or insists that we watch his movie pick on a Friday night or something. Those are normal selfish behaviors – ignoring a request to spend time with your girlfriend on her birthday when it clearly means something to her is a bit more than that, it is approaching red flag territory, especially if it is a pattern.
Don’t be the LW who gets defensive and ignores everyone. WTF is the point of asking for advice if your going throw it back in the givers face and just do what ever you please?
I hope you managed to see through some of the cray comments and see there are A LOT of one’s that are productive and helpful. Bottom line is you need to assert yourself with in your relationship.
What’s with the fear of being labeled a “crazy woman”. You’ve mentioned crazy woman behavior multiple times today and I don’t think a lot of people appreciate that. You’re not mentally ill, we get it. But expecting your boyfriend take you out on your birthday instead of hanging out with his brother is not crazy. Nor is having him show up for your fathers birthday or to weddings as your date. No one thinks your crazy. And women who do demand things from their partners aren’t crazy either, as their partners most likely ask things from them as well.
But congratulations. I can clearly see that you are perfectly happy with your relationship and we must be the crazy ones to think that a live-in boyfriend who can’t prioritize you in his life over a car isn’t the best marriage or father material.
I’m not sure what you expected us to say about him. You portrayed him as someone who ignores you and cancels on you with no warning, and who may not even want to marry you, while you wait and wait. Did you expect us to say he sounds like a great guy?
A lot of your explanations for what you said don’t make sense. If you now speak up to your boyfriend, then why is any of this an issue? If he apologized about the birthday and it’s fine, why’d you write in? If it’s only been a year that you’ve been discussing marriage and that’s OK with you, then why did you say it’s been 3 1/2 years and write an entire letter about how you have been waiting too long?
LW, I think you’re unfairly judging us. You wrote in, and ok, you say that you were just venting and didn’t accurately portray your relationship, but that’s all we had to go on! The letter you wrote makes it seem more black and white than you say it actually is, but all we saw was what you chose to portray at the moment of your writing. Please don’t write us off because you didn’t like the comments when you came to read them. We’re not on this site to ruin peoples’ lives, and Wendy sure as hell doesn’t have that goal in mind either. She wants to help people, or she wouldn’t have started an advice site. We don’t as a group indiscriminately tell people to dump everyone all the time. More than one reader asked whether or not you had effectively communicated with your boyfriend about the situation. That’s not telling you to throw away your relationship, they were telling you to communicate (so, no, not only one of us thought there might be a different side to the story). I get it, I do. I wrote into an advice site once (not this one) and was lambasted in the comments; it puts you on edge and gets you defensive…ESPECIALLY if the advice isn’t what you want to hear, or what you cerebrally know is what you should do but don’t want to do it (not saying that’s the case here with you, but I’ve seen that be the case before). So…please don’t dismiss us as awful people because of this. We just wanted to help.
Now, if things really are as good as you say they are, great! Yes, little things do snowball when you’re feeling hurt. But that’s just it, your feelings WERE hurt, and you are interested in getting married. You were compelled enough to go to an advice site and ask for advice. Going forward, how are you guys going to address the issue? Because…if you continue on as things were, your feelings will get hurt again for the same reasons in different situations. Has he promised to scale back on the race car? Has he agreed to discuss more about a future with you? Is he going to meet your (very reasonable) birthday needs in the future knowing now that even though his family didn’t do birthdays, it was/is important to you?
This reads like your bf found your letter, read the responses, and now has forced you to apologize. Either that or your initial letter was a pack of lies you wrote as a lark. So, got it — you’ve got the best bf on earth, you aren’t at all upset that he hasn’t proposed yet, none of the stuff you wrote about bothered you at all… you are just an average strong, entrepreneurial woman who is totally dominated by her bf. Sorry your bf was so upset by our comments that he hit you.
Sigh, another one who has to come back and revise history because she doesn’t like the comments. Maybe one person here called your OP abusive and no one else agreed. We can only comment on what we are given from the letter. And your letter screamed doormat in huge, neon letters. You got some very good advice here and people were much more gentle with you than they usually are. Enjoy the crumbs for which you have settled.
LW, I read all of your letter (the condensed one) and browsed through the comments and wanted to post but haven’t had time with work. I hope that you do read this, because I understand where you are coming from and have a very similar story (with a happy ending). My BF and I had a real shit-show of a falling apart explosion right around my birthday. He is a farmer, and farming is is job, his passion, and his lifestyle and so naturally it takes up a lot of his time. I also contribute a lot to helping grow this dream because 1) I love it, and 2) it’s important to him, so it’s important to me. So, this is very similar to the car thing.
Eventually at some point the farming became more of a priority than our relationship, and he ended up putting off my birthday. I would bring up the fact that we hadn’t really done anything, but he wasn’t getting how important it was to me because he was so overwhelmed with the farm (he was severely understaffed that season). I thought if I could just work hard enough, and help him enough, that he would magically re-prioritize the relationship so I was GoodGirlfriend(TM) and plugged away mercilessly trying to make everything perfect. It exploded, he broke up with me, BLAH.
He realized “Shit, I was an asshole and Alice didn’t speak up (which isn’t great) but I wasn’t prioritizing this person who is the most important thing in my life.” And he told me that. And it took a while, but eventually we fell back in love with each other. I’m much better at saying “Hey, we need to get connected again. This is important to me” whenever we start getting too wrapped up in life. And he has done a good job of always, 110% saying AND SHOWING that our relationship is more important than anything else that may be going on. We are a team going into this together now, rather than 2 people scrambling around next to each other.
So, maybe just have a talk about how you need to be connected, and communicate. And face things together. I have gotten so much better at calling him out when he is being unreasonable, and vice versa and our relationship is infinitely stronger. When you need him, or even when you just want him, let him know it is important to you. And if he is the amazing man that you say he is, he WILL make time for your relationship. Good luck!
My eyes MY EYES.
For fuck sake, now I’ve gotta join BGM’s team for the rest of the day. Way to become your mother LW. You do deserve better, shame you won’t pull your head out of your ass to see it.
Though I do have to say this was much better than waiting a few months for the LW to give an update of this sort… Instant pre-Friday facepalm 😉
How does the sand your head is buried in actually taste?
You wrote in anger and frustration. I’m sure you were being a helluva lot more truthful in your first letter than this posting. Now you’re backtracking, glossing over the situation, and generally telling everyone here that we’re really wrong and you meant none of what you originally said.
You remind me of a client’s mother. Client was put on a waiting list and the mother threw a tizzy fit because she was native and knew a board member who worked for the native corporation she was a member of, and dammit, she was going to get her baby bumped up from the waiting list, so help her!
Then she threatened to never use our services. Funny, the Dept. of Corrections was paying for the treatment, and the judge ordered the guy (yes, he was over 21) to our program, so she really had no say or no financial stake in the actual treatment.
Fine, you won’t write in and probably won’t read again. I’m sure if you wrote in to any other person, they’d tell you pretty much what Wendy told you. Get off your delusional high horse.
Its kind of off putting that you suggest that women are irrational and that by suppressing your emotions you’re making yourself more palatable to men i.e. you don’t want to be one of “those women”. I hate to break it to you, but you are one of “those women”. Guess what, it’s okay to be one of “those women”. The people who think emotions make people weak probably have a difficult time with their own emotions.
Good luck LW. We mostly aren’t haters here on DW; we were just trying to help you.
“He’s not perfect – sometimes he can be a little selfish or oblivious to little things (who can’t?!) but he is the only guy i know who stands in the card isle for hours at Christmas time reading each one picking out the perfect card that suits me just right because he thinks the words they write are the most important gift at Christmas”. I know the LW is unlikely to read this, as she’s thrown her toys out of the pram, but this statement right here is a tell of some kind. Really sweet from a caring attentive partner who wants to demonstrate their love; really something else if they’re not that person. Sad and frustrating in equal measure.
You know what this reminds me of?
“I’m a cool girl, guys. I understand you men soooo much better than the average woman. No, silly, I never freak out! I never get PMS, either. I don’t like to argue because I’m the most awesomest, coolest, chillest chick out there SO WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO MARRY ME ALREADY”
LW, you seem to be entirely focused on being the type of girl your man will marry rather than focusing on finding someone who wants to marry YOU. I recommend shifting your paradigm so as to focus on the latter… Once you figure out who the heck YOU actually are.
I’m kind of glad I wasn’t here earlier to comment, because now after reading the LW’s backtracking response—holy fuck. But LW, if you’re still here…
Look, I’m not gonna bash your boyfriend. But it comes off like you read all of our MOA responses & got scared. You WANT this “great guy” to marry you, so you feel like you ~can’t~ leave him, & you feel like you ~can’t~ make your needs known? You seem very scared of being a “crazy girl”, and that makes me sad. Like everybody else said, it’s NOT crazy to have needs. Or to feel upset. Or to even, omg, SHOW that you’re upset. Stop pretending to be The Cool Girl; nobody is that girl. That girl is an invention. (Am I just straight-up quoting Gone Girl at this point? Oops, if that’s the case…)
Anyway—you’re ALLOWED to want your boyfriend to forget about racing for an evening. You’re allowed to *not* feel like cooking for everybody, even if you normally like to, on some nights. You’re allowed to ask your boyfriend to devote more attention to you. Marriage is what happens when both people who love each other agree to make that commitment—it’s never a matter of being whatever your idea of the perfect girlfriend is, & getting rewarded with a ring.
Just think about it?
Oh girl, I’ve seen relationships like yours before. One party (usually the lady, but not always) is bending over backwards making the other person’s life as pleasant as possible while receiving very little in return. A girl I know was with a guy for years. He had three kids by three different women and had a vasectomy. So this girl had to resign herself to never having children of her own (his kids didn’t live with them). When the kids did visit, she’d take care of them, feed them, buy them clothes/shoes, take them to their t-ball games. He did nothing. She finally broke up with him (after everyone, including his mom and sister, kept telling her she was getting taken advantage of), married her childhood sweetheart and is so, so happy/relieved to have a different life. I think sometimes people don’t realize how miserable they are until they move past that situation. And then you’re going to be kicking yourself for waiting so long to be happy.
After my mom died this year, my bff suggested a girls’ spa weekend for my bday. I was really looking forward! The week of, she sent an email announcing that her husband had invited her to a music festival, so she needed to “reshechedule” my birthday for some other, yet unspecified, date. No apology, just: isn’t this great! There were at least 6 exlamation points about how excited she was to be going to this festival – which is annual. I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut. I cried for 4 days. Im questioning my place in the world. Now, she has send a birthday card containing a printout of some whacko “rules” about summer birthdays and how one shouldn’t expect friends to plan their lives around friends’ summer birthdays. It only upset me more…again, no apology, or plan to reschedule, merely a justificiation.
Due to my more delicate state, I am feeling…hopeless. Unimportant, uncared for, and desperately seeking meaning in this ongoing trudge. Thoughts, words, understandings? I’ve spent the past 10 years contorting my semi-retired schedule around this friends’ busy schedule. The words were glib, unkind, a bit brutal. I wracked my brian, trying to think, have i offended? This was so savage.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. as for your “friend,” I think it’s time to demote her to casual acquaintance whom you no longer make plans with, let alone contort your schedule around. She may not be a terrible person, but it’s clear she isn’t a good friend to you and doesn’t prioritize your feelings. In short, she does not show up, which is THE most important thing a friend can do:
https://dearwendy.com/showing-up-the-single-most-important-thing-a-friend-can-do/
This is not about you, it’s about her not being a great person and really lacking empathy. Try not to let yourself go to questioning your worth over this woman’s shitty behavior. But focus on cultivating other friendships and maybe joining a group. Could be a grief group or a hobby/interest group, or a class… something to get you socializing with other people and feeling better.
Oh, Pw — that is sad! I am sorry for the loss of your mother, and my heart goes out to you. Of course you’re grieving, but please don’t feel you need to question your “place in the world”; just question the place in your precious life for this person who isn’t acting like much of a friend. You’re not imagining it, and she sounds clueless to the point of being cruel. That’s the last thing you need, now more than ever. It hurts to learn such unflattering truths about someone you have considered a friend, but it’s not something you can fix. As Kate says, this is the time to pour your energies into a group or class or new, better friends… or maybe all of the above. Take care.
” I’ve spent the past 10 years contorting my semi-retired schedule around this friends’ busy schedule.”
Time to pull way back from this friendship. You are the one who has made the effort to make things work for the past ten years. She has an expectation that you will always work around her and so she comes first. It’s time to put an end to that. Don’t contort yourself around her schedule. Do things when you want and if she can’t make it so what. Take the time that you’ve been investing in her and invest yourself in other things and other people. You’ll find you can make other, better friends.
You could look into classes or activities that happen at your local library. Our library has programming that happens repeatedly where the people who come have become friends. We have so many things happening from genealogy to book discussion to quilting club to cooking group. In our local community there is a group that goes bike riding together every weekend. We have ladies that go to yoga and then go next door to the coffee shop. Think of things you like to do and then do a google search to see if there is a group around you that already exists doing what you like.
You sound pretty depressed and could probably benefit from a few sessions with a therapist. It sticks she backed out of plans, but that shouldn’t have ruined the day for you and sent you into a four day crying fit. Maybe grief is overwhelming you and that’s part of the reaction you’re having. Downgrade this “friend” and book your own spa weekend. Be good to yourself. You’re hurting, you need to see a doctor. Good luck.
If he was going to propose to this girl, it would’ve been two years ago. She needs to cut her losses. I told my bf 2 years into dating that I picked a secret day in my head where if he hadn’t proposed to me by then I would go Elle Woods and propose to him first. He’s quite a sweetheart who told me he’d say yes if I proposed but he’d much prefer to do the proposing. He proposed a year before I thought he would and definitely surprised me. You and your man should be having in depth conversations about what you want out of life & if he doesn’t follow through, time to go. You aren’t spoiled; the bar is so low it’s on the floor & he’s digging underneath it not to meet it. I know he has plenty of good qualities but he has terrible qualities as a boyfriend & you should ditch him.