“How Do I Know If We’re Exclusive or Not?”
I had a random one-night stand (OK, two-night stand) with Guy A. I immediately regretted it, not just because Guy A is a jerk, but because I was getting to know Guy B and thought we would be great together. Both guys are long-distance from me, so after meeting them I would communicate with Guy B through text almost every day. Eventually, six months after meeting the first time, he came to visit me. We went to a concert and stayed up all night talking and getting to know each other. A few weeks later, I went to visit him, we started sleeping together and things have been absolutely wonderful for six months. Again, it’s long-distance. So we see each other twice a month. But he makes me so happy. He’s the kindest, most gentle man I’ve ever met. We take turns visiting each other and he initiates contact with me daily.
The issue is, six months in, we’ve never had an “Are we exclusive?” conversation. I am pretty sure that we are, but I don’t feel comfortable assuming that either. But it bothers me that he hasn’t brought it up. Should I assume he’s happy with the way things are? Honestly, Wendy, this is the first functional, happy relationship I’ve ever had and I don’t know how to handle it! — Glad I Chose Guy B
Hmm, you know, this letter could have been about Guy B and only Guy B. You could have left Guy A out of the equation completely and it wouldn’t have changed your question, which is: “why hasn’t Guy B broached a discussion about being exclusive yet?”. But, obviously, there’s a reason you left Guy A in the letter. I suspect you’re worried that Guy A — and more specifically, your two-night stand with him — could be connected to the ambiguity you feel about your relationship status with Guy B. Maybe you’re concerned that, on one of their happy hour meetups, Guy A mentioned to Guy B how you two hooked up a couple times. Or maybe you just feel bad about all of it and your regret is more than just regret — it’s guilt over this secret you’ve been keeping from Guy B.
But, look, you don’t need to feel guilty. So you slept with someone Guy B knows. Before you started dating. Big Whoop. It’s not something he needs to know about if he doesn’t, and, if he does, then it obviously isn’t something that bothers him too much if he’s been traveling out of town to see you once or twice a month for the last six months and talks to you every single day.
I say let the two-night stand with Guy A go. Let it go. He’s a jerk and he’s insignificant and he doesn’t matter. What matters is your relationship with Guy B, and, if you really like the guy and are ready to be exclusive and want to know where you stand with him, just ask him already! I mean, why do you have to wait for him to bring it up? If every straight woman waited for the guy to ask, “What are we?” then 95% would still be in the dark.
Buck up and ask. It doesn’t have to be some grand affair. Just say, “You know, I don’t date anyone else and don’t have any interest to. What about you?”
And he’ll probably look at you sort of surprised and say, “Yeah, I’m not dating anyone else. Why? Did you think I’m dating someone else? The thought hasn’t even crossed my mind.”
And then you’ll be like, “Oh, ok. Good. Cool. I didn’t think you were, but I wasn’t sure, so I wanted to ask. I’m glad I did. So… just to be clear then, you don’t want to date anyone else?”
And he’ll say, “No.” And you’ll say, “I don’t either! I just want to date you!” And he’ll shrug and smile and be like, “Good!” And then you’ll order a pizza.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
WWS. Communication. If you aren’t sure of something, ask. Just do it. It can be scary if you’re not used to it. I get it. But still. Do it. Do it. Dooooooo it. You’ll be much happier having an answer instead of speculating and asking everyone BUT him.
Ask.
Ok, all I read is the title. Now I’ll go back and read the letter, Wendy’s response and the comments thus far.
Of course, Guy B doesn’t have to follow Wendy’s script.
“If every straight woman waited for the guy to ask, “What are we?” then 95% would still be in the dark.”
OMG Wendy’s response made me laugh out loud at my desk. Especially the part about ordering the pizza. Made my day.
The second I decided to think of my awkwardness at communicating as “earnest and endearing” instead of “hella weird” I instantly felt a lot better about just saying what I was thinking about the situation. If you think you are going to be weird, or say something in a super awkward way, just be ready to smile and laugh when you talk about it and you can call it earnest and endearing and that’s a major plus in most guys’ books. It won’t be awkward unless you go into it being 100% sure that it’s going to be awkward.
Plus… don’t you just, want to know? My burning curiosity always outweighs my fear of saying something stupidly after a while. Because, think about it.
Best case scenario: “Duh, LW of course I’m not dating anyone else and I don’t want to. Lets be exclusive and eat a whole pizza with extra cheese!”
Worst case scenario: “LW, I’m dating 15 other people. I just didn’t think it was important enough to mention. What’s the big deal? I’m going to order a pizza with extra cheese and not share with you.”
Which one seems more likely? Either way you will be totally fine, and you’d want to know about either answer right? So just ask!! Good luck, and update us.
Yes , definitely talk to him about it but I’m thinking you should tell him about what happened with Guy A. Only because they’re friends. Better he should hear it from you. I know I would feel kind of blindsided if my new boyfriend didn’t tell me he had slept with my friend. Am I the only one who feels that way?
Gah Wendy this could have been a short cut!
LW, you ASK HIM. Do not assume, lay it clearly out on the table. Communication people.
Before reading letter: You ask him. Duh.
After reading letter: See above. But also WTF does guy A have to do with anything.
I think Wendy hit the nail on the head with guy A. And I get why you feel like it’s an important detail. Before I met my boyfriend, I had hooked up with several of his teammates in college. After we got together, it felt weird that he didn’t know this, not because it was a big deal but because it felt weird that they knew, and I knew, and he didn’t. Like he was being kept in the dark about it or something? So LW, let me tell you what I realized. If he’s really the guy for you, he’s not going to hold who and what you did before him against you. You can’t change it anyway, so let it go.
On that note: I’m not sure bf and I ever really established exclusivity? Huh. This was our DTR talk:
Fraternity brother: Why is she always here? Are you two dating or something?
BF: (To me) Um I guess that’s up to you
Me: (Cringing) Um, I guess.
I have to turn in my hopeless romantic card, don’t I?
Yeah LW, I think maybe the fact that you slept with Guy A is making you wonder if Guy B has had any dalliances? Which is normal, & fine. Just talk to him, WWS, WEES, etc. etc. blah blah*
As a side note, it’s fine that you banged Guy A. I, er, biblically knew a couple of my boyfriend’s friendly-ish acquaintances before dating him. Sometimes that happens.
*sorry my advice has been less than eloquent lately since I hate typing on my phone
“Honestly, Wendy, this is the first functional, happy relationship I’ve ever had and I don’t know how to handle it!” — LW, its no wonder you dont know how to communicate, then. but, here you go- start off on the right foot with this! communication is pretty much the one important, top thing in a functional, happy relationship. and ill amend that to say *honest* communication. you have to be able to honestly say what you think, feel and need in a safe place like your relationship.
so here you go, here is your chance to be happy and functional- communicate!
Ask . I mean I think at a certain point you sort of know regardless but the clarification and verbalization of it are the important things, they tend to give the relationship validation.
Also Guy A? That was confusing. If you feel guilty you hooked up with someone around the same time you started talking with another guy, don’t. I drunkenly hooked up with a guy I had dated right before meeting my now boyfriend, after my boyfriend and I had been on a few awesome dates. It was actually exactly what I needed to make me realize I had no interest in that guy anymore and was super into this new guy. We all have a past, the guy you are dating does too, don’t feel guilty about it!
Honestly, LW, I totally feel you. It’s tough to bring something like that up and I get how you’d be nervous about it. But Wendy’s suggestion of what to say is actually great. It’s not like asking him “Hey what are we? Are we exclusive?” (Because yikes). Wendy’s words are better — It’s just a casual way to get the conversation started. So do that!!
My last boyfriend asked me point blank “Be my girlfriend, officially?” and I said yes. The guy I’m seeing now (it’s been two months) is a little less ‘come out and say it’ so I think I’ll eventually have to ask him… And I’ll probably use Wendy’s line, too lol.
Yes, you should have that conversation with him. No, I don’t think you should proactively mention the hookup with guy A.
Also, do not assume exclusivity. In any relationship, but particularly a long-distance one. I agree with Wendy’s assessment, but in my personal experience a guy who wants to be exclusive / cares to have that status with you will bring it up fairly early on. I’m sure other people are going to disagree, but I don’t think it’s a great sign that he hasn’t brought it up yet. Might mean he’s fine with the status quo and being able to hypothetically or actively keep his options open. I can *at least* tell you firsthand that talking everyday, even excessively for large portions of the day, and getting together regularly in spite of distance does NOT mean a guy is devoted to you exclusively. So you have to ask, and listen to what your gut says about how he responds.
Yeah, don’t ever mention anything about Guy A. If he asks directly, sure, but never voluntarily list other guys, especially acquaintances, who have been inside you. Zero benefit in sharing that.
If you are having sex with someone you have a right to know if they are having sex with anyone else. This is just part of being safe and healthy. You don’t have a right to know WHO they are having sex with, but you have the right to know whether there are others.
Maybe I’m not romantic, but I want to know if my dude is diseased before we start doing the nasty and if he’s not, that he’s not going to become diseased while we are still together. Obviously you can’t avoid possible cheating, but seriously, take charge of your sexual health and ask.
I love what Wendy says about how 95% of women would still be wondering if we didn’t ask. That is so true! I had a really awkward conversation with my ex, where I stumbled around my words trying to explain to him the difference between casual dating and being in a committed relationship. He just looked at me with his head cocked to the side and said, “Oh, I didn’t realize there was a difference”. It was pretty humorous and it made me realize that some guys just assume that dating is automatically a relationship, or they assume they don’t need to vocalize their desire to be exclusive. Anyway, my point is, don’t be afraid to ask him! More than likely it will not be big deal at all. If it’s bad news, well, at least you know now and can make an educated decision about the future.
I was right with Wendy re: letter organization. I kept thinking when does the one-night stand come back into play? Why do I know about the first guy at all? LW, what happened before the relationship is not part of this relationship. And, really, you don’t even know if you are exclusive or not right now – maybe other “dates” wouldn’t even be a big deal.
Communicate with this guy. And if he balks at being exclusive, decide if that’s a deal breaker for you.
I’m the type of person who would tell Guy B I slept with Guy A, but I don’t really think it’s necessary. My husband really doesn’t want to know those things and while I’m sure he can figure it out sometimes, he doesn’t want to be specifically told by me. Some people want to know, some people want to be left in the dark. These 2 guys aren’t even good friends so I’m not sure why it would come up. And if it does, I don’t think it would be a big deal.
I like Wendy’s suggestion of how to bring up exclusivity and I would do it sooner rather than later. I know I would care more about the sexual exclusivity and being safe so just bring it up casually. It’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal.
I can’t figure out how to reply to someone’s comment on the new mobile app.
I get tested yearly. So I know if I have any STIs. This isn’t as relevant now that I’m with my husband, but in the past I would ask my partners if they’ve been tested, when and if they’ve had new partners since. If they haven’t been tested I either don’t sleep with them, or use extra precautions over what I might have otherwise. At least I was going in with my eyes open. Obviously people can and will lie, but if I don’t trust the guy i am not sleeping with him anyway. if I don’t feel comfortable enough to have the conversation then I’m not sleeping with him, bottom line.
My point is, LW shouldn’t be afraid to ask the hard questions because she’s afraid that he’ll find out about guy A or whatever. She needs to ask the hard questions because there are potentially serious outcomes from not asking.
Ask him! Seriously, uncertainty is the worst and this sets the groundwork for you to ask for what you want in relationships instead of waiting for it to be given to you (admittedly I’ve been reading too many feminist critiques of the engagement and wedding process lately). I asked my fiancé if he wanted to be exclusive when I started to wonder where our relationship was going and it worked out just fine even though pizza wasn’t involved (Lucky Charms were though because I did it over breakfast). I also asked him to marry me. I’m just a take charge kind of gal.
Where do I announce that I think I have Benjamin on board with getting a Chinchilla once we move into the new house? It’s possible that he’s just agreeing now in the hopes that I will forget in like 4 months… But… he referred to our future chinchilla multiple times in conversation last night.
One of the keys to communication is talking to each other. This message brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.
You say you’re bothered that he hasn’t brought it up but maybe he’s bothered you haven’t. You’re not a passive member of this relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable or scared to rock the boat by bringing up this issue then, I think you need to decide why that is. I get that there is a certain I’m nervous about this talk, what if we’re not on the same page. But, you should still feel comfortable bringing this topic up, beyond those initial nerves. It’s easy to build things up in your head, but they’re usually not as bad as you build them up to be.
I only read the title, soooo…you talk to them. You say “hey, are we only dating each other?” He answers yes or no. The end.
If one is just left wondering about whether or not they are in an exclusive relationship — NEWSFLASH: they aren’t.
If you call sleepy with someone and having no idea if he’s also sleeping with others is a ‘functional relationship’ well good grief. The fact that you even have to ask makes me crazy, and very grateful mt dating days were well before this became a thing.
But everyone is right, ask