“I Found a Sexy Text He Sent Another Woman”

I’ve been with my partner for just over a year, and on Valentine’s Day I had found an intimate picture he sent another woman. I haven’t told him what I had found on his cell, but I did try to call this woman from his phone. She didn’t answer, so I sent her a text instead and told her that he’s my husband, and then I went ahead and deleted her and the pic from his phone. He must have seen by now, but he hasn’t asked me if I’ve touched his phone because how would he even approach this with me? He has been very nice to me in a way that is over the top.

Where should I go with this? I do love him, but we have had an unstable past where I’ve kicked him out twice before over two other things with other women. I don’t want to start another load of fights as I’m looking to start a new job and need all my energy for this as it’s something I’ve never done before. I need peace of mind. I’ve no one to turn to as everyone just says to leave him. I just need a friendly ear and not a bloody lecture as this is what I get. — Looking for Peace of Mind

I mean, yeah, you should definitely leave him, but if you’ve got your heart set on staying with him and you don’t want drama and you want to save all your energy for your new job, I think you’ll have to accept that you’re not in a monogamous relationship; your partner sleeps with other women, has relationships with other women. Not cool with you? Leave him. Can’t leave him? Put up with the non-monogamy. No lecture but these genuinely are your only two options and you have to decide which is the lesser of two evils. Your friends and people who care about you think leaving him is the better option, but this is your life. You must do what will bring you the least amount of grief (so, probably leave him).

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine years. We have three kids together and live a wonderful life. We have had past incidents where he’s cheated, but we’ve grown and moved past it. I love him and I want to get married. It’s a dream of mine. My boyfriend has always said “no” whenever I have dropped a hint during these past nine years, and he told me just the other day that he felt I was pressuring him into something that he doesn’t want. I love him to death, but we have our issues. I’m basically his maid and his caregiver; I take care of our kids, fill out his job applications, do his taxes, clean up after him and everything. I feel like I’ve not done anything to discourage someone from wanting to marry me. I feel like this might put a small rift in our relationship. What advice can you give me? — Tired of Waiting

Honestly, if marrying someone you relate to as a maid, caregiver, full-time childcare provider, and personal assistant is a dream of yours, my advice is to dream bigger. He’s never going to marry you – he’s already getting everything he wants from you without the commitment. If marriage is your dream, maybe there’s a better partner for you. Actually, even if marriage isn’t your dream, I think there’s a better partner for you.

Even if you never get married and never partner up with anyone else, maybe being single is better than being with this guy. Imagine having one less person to take care of hand and foot, and think of all the extra time you’ll have not filling out his job applications and doing his laundry. Imagine the psychic space that’ll be available when you aren’t filling it with thoughts on how to convince him to marry you when he’s already told you – probably many, many times over the course of nine years – that he doesn’t want to marry you. DREAM BIGGER than this.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

7 Comments

LW1: three times a cheater? Twice is already too much and the sign to walk. Do you want to become a detective specialized in secretly spying your boyfriend’s multiple relationships? I would hate such a humiliating role, frankly you can do much better. But I think you know it. So focus on your new job. Get started and don’t rock the boat with your BF, he isn’t worth it. When you feel good at work, start organizing your practical life without him (accommodation, …), pack your stuff and end the relationship. You will be fine. New job, new life.

I feel like these letters are both of a genre, and it’s Dear Wendy’s specialty. No notes.

LW1- You can’t have what you want with this guy. There will be no Peace of Mind. When you say you want a ‘friendly ear and not a bloody lecture’ what you mean is you want people to say ‘poor you and hopefully he’ll stop’. That’s actually not a response a friend can give because they want what’s best for you and he’s not it. Also, people get bored of giving advice to someone — glaringly obvious advice — if the person they give it to refuses to take it. Your friends will not want to listen to you complain about how badly you are treated when you won’t do anything about it. You are dealing with this issue again because you refused to do anything about it before. You will be dealing with it again too and no one will want to hear it. If you want Peace of Mind, change your situation.

Life piles shit on sometimes. We don’t often get to limit our stressors to one at a time. While you may want to devote all your energy to your new job, if you really want to get to a place of having Peace of Mind, you also need to leave this guy. Or, as Wendy says, accept that you are in a non-monogamous relationship. Those really are your only 2 choices.

Lord. Everyone tells you to leave him because he’s not going to change and you’d be so much happier (and less boring) if you did leave him. I agree your friends are tired of this already. Please leave him. He doesn’t make you happy.

I feel like this could apply to both.

LW1, I am very sorry you are going through this difficult situation. When friends and family say, oh just leave him, they are underestimating the difficulty of actually leaving. You need to find a way to earn sufficient income, save enough money for a security deposit, and find a new apartment. If you are not in immediate danger from domestic violence, your desire to postpone your decision because you are starting a new job is very reasonable, because it takes a lot of energy to start a new job. Getting a job is your first step towards obtaining the financial independence if leaving him is what you decide to do. I suspect that eventually you will decide to leave because you deserve better, but the decision is totally up to you. I have confidence you will get through this, whatever you decide.

LW #1 read the post from LW#2
That is your future

LW2: Stop. Just stop and put yourself first. You’ve had THREE kids with a man who doesn’t want to marry you. That can’t fill out his own job applications. That is such a lump do nothing with an ego so large he thinks he can do better. He can’t, but you can. He.is.not.worth.your.labor.