“I Found Out He Has a Wife and Kids!”
In a feature I call “Your Turn,” in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, I’m presenting the following letter without commentary from me:
He continued to say it was just lies, but I didn’t believe him. He kept calling me, like, 40 times in a day and I’d ignore all his calls until finally, a few days went by and I decided to answer and meet with him to talk. He basically told me he was married and has six kids but is no longer living with his wife. She just had a baby in December so obviously he was with her a year ago.
Before all this happened, he’d call me all the time and and if I didn’t answer he’d get so mad. He’s controlling and would get upset if I tried to hang out with my friends and would assume I was doing something behind his back. It was suspicious to me that he would act that way but till now I understand why. He told me he lied to keep me with him because he loves me so much. I just need advice on what to do if he begs me to give him a second chance. — No Thanks to Wife and Kids
Um, say no?
You literally took the words right out of my mouth.
Ummm…. change your number and never ever talk to him again?? Thank god you work opposite shifts, you’ll never have to see him.
Who knew maury is in digital form too? Really LW? Really?
First, you don’t answer his calls. Then you continue to not answer. Then you block his number. Really? 6 kids? What a catch. You are the other woman, and you’re better than that. I don’t even know you and I know you’re better than that.
Holy crap. Six kids?
You don’t give him a chance to beg for a second chance. Block his number and avoid him at work.
And file a sexual harassment claim if he comes near you…
Really? So you’re okay with being in a relationship with a man who is married, has six kids, has lied to you, is controlling, apparently has anger issues, and has been sleeping with at least one other person while you’ve been together? Do you have any sense left in your head? My vote would be no since you’re asking if you should give him a second chance. I really hope you have been using condoms AND some form of birth control.
Let me know when you’re on Jerry Springer so I can watch.
This is what I was going to say, so I’ll just say AGREE. I hope that the stream of MOAs coming out of all of us will make a difference. It’s tough to be hopeful about that, though, when the LW is still at the stage of thinking that anger, jealousy, and control issues stem from his loving her soooo much.
She has already decided to MOA. Read the letter again…
she’s identified her problems with him and she’s asking for advice on HOW to say no, not asking whether she should take him back. really, now.
“I just need advice on what to do if he begs me to give him a second chance.”
In no way that is asking how to just say “No”.
“He’s controlling and would get upset if I tried to hang out with my friends and would assume I was doing something behind his back. It was suspicious to me that he would act that way but till now I understand why.” So she she understands that he acted this way because HE was the lying and being secretive? Or because “he loves her so much”?
The fact that she’s even asking what to do says to me that she has not yet cut him out of her life which is what she needs to do and use a f*cking laser to do it.
I took this as a typo (maybe I’m being generous, but it actually doesn’t make grammatical sense, so). It didn’t make sense to her *until* now, now that she knows he’s a sleaze, all of his fear and attempts to control to prevent cheating make sense whereas before they were perplexing. this is what she understands now.
i agree with your second point though, bonus if she burns him with the laser as she does it. but woman needs advice. she already knows (at least it sounds like to me) that she SHOULD cut him out, but she wants to know HOW.
She is basically saying that she is weak, and would go back so she needs help finding away not to. If really MOA’d already she would just say no, and call it a day, and if that didn’t work she would call the police.
yup, yup, yup.
Do NOT give it to him. Change his name to “Crapweasel” in your phone so you’ll remember why you’re not answering that number. Write down a list of all the reasons you are DONE with this guy and read it whenever you feel yourself wavering. If his phone harassment crosses over to real life in ANY way, go to your HR person at work (if you have one) immediately. In fact, you should probably do that anyway, just to make a statement.
I thought about HR too. Hopefully she talks to someone!
I’m stealing Crapweasel. I love it.
I got it from Friends. And I actually did that to an ex one time. It worked as long as I stayed sober…
and then you’re like, “Awwwww! Look, guys! Crapweasel is calling! Awwww….”
“You…are a crapweasel!”
you say NO. no no no no no. this isnt just a little white lie, this is HUGE. and he’s probably still lying. walk away, change jobs, do whatever you have to do to keep yourself out of this situation before it blows up and gets messy.
Are you kidding me? Buy a flamethrower and if he comes by your house introduce him to a life without skin. And for god’s sake change your number!
Do not give him the opportunity to beg. Do not speak to him again, ever (except in one circumstance only, see below). Do not listen to him if he speaks to you. If he continues to contact you, you tell him that if he doesn’t stop you will report him to HR for harrassment. That is all.
I agree with you except for that one exception. If she communicates with him after he keeps contacting her, that just says to him that the he can get her to talk to him if he keeps persisting. A stronger message is to never communicate with him again, ever. Not even to remind him she’s not talking to him. Say it once in the beginning and mean it forever.
I would agree also, except in some states you have to clearly communicate your desire to not be contacted again to the other person in order for a restraining order to be effective. Otherwise, your intention is too vague. You have to spell it out.
I meant to add (damn work!) that no one says she has to do the telling. She is lucky in a way that they work together; her employer can do it for her. Some people don’t have that option. You can ask the police to do it, but if they’re as overworked in your city as in mine, it won’t be high priority. (Not knocking cops here, I love them, but sometimes you have to take care of yourself.)
Yeah, I actually mentioned that below. She only needs to communicate that to him once though. She needs to have one short conversation saying “You’re a dickhole, and I do not want to be in a relationship with you. I do not want to see you or talk to you again. Stop calling me or contacting me in any way.” She has to say that once only. And it would be great if that could be at work with witnesses, or in email form. And then she never needs to remind him of her decision again.
I just wasn’t sure that she had had that conversation.
Seriously? What is your question here? Oh, what do I do? He’s a controlling, manipulative, scummy liar, but he LOOOOOOOOOVEEESS me SOOOOOO much! THE HUMANITY.
Look. Here is some concrete advice- Here’s what you do- Never talk to that asshole ever again. Period.
You know what, I am sorry.. But if you really have to even ask that question, then stick to him.. At least that will keep his sorry scumbag of an ass away from his kids, and it will give whoever the lucky lady is that keeps having his kids, enough reason and, hopefully enough sense, to dump his ass forever..
Sorry, I am just so freaking angry at this letter 🙁
I have to say I’m kind of confused, maybe I’m reading it wrong. But, I can’t figure out what else she means by what do I do if he begs for a second chance, other than it’s her asking do I say yes or no. Maybe she means how to handle telling him no and keeping him away from her? I don’t know.
Is this a real letter? Good grief – I sometimes think I have no sense when it comes to men – but this is way below the level of nonsense with which I find myself involved. Block his number and tell him to go Eff himself if wants another chance.
Do you really like the idea of probably being a mistress, definitely getting lied to some more and cheated on, and potentially messing up the childhoods of six kids? No? Then tell him to eat sh*t. He dated you because he felt you were easy to mislead and he wants to date you now because he thinks you wont be strong enough to say no. Please prove this douchebag wrong.
he wants to date you now because he thinks you wont be strong enough to say no. Please prove this douchebag wrong.
heart you sarah.
I totally have a lady crush on you Sarah
First: he isn’t “so in love” with you, he’s just a cheater who assumes everyone else is as shady as he is. Carrying on a relationship while having a wife and 6 kids involves a great deal of lying, obviously, which is why he tried to turn it around on you by being controlling. Basically– he knows what HE’S doing when he doesn’t answer the phone for his wife. He’s with you. So when YOU don’t answer the phone, or tell him you’ll just be with friends, he’s wondering if YOU’RE being the same scumbag liar that he is. I hope your statement “It was suspicious to me that he would act that way but till now I understand why” means you already sort of get this?
Second: If he asks for a another chance, ignore him like you did when you first found out he was married. Don’t answer his 40 (Christ…) phone calls, and if he persists, then have his number blocked.
RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!
*Insert any comment above and probably below….unless someone gets tricky on me*
* I am going to try my hardest to make it to the Feb. 9 and/or Mar. 3 meetups in Chicago.
Ah! Love is in the air!
You are cordially invited too. I love you too.
It’s like been invited to sit at the popular table all over again! 🙂 I’m really jealous of your meet-up. And i’m really jealous that y’all are bonding in the forums.
‘except don’t you know i’m (not so secretly) a big nerd?
The 9th IS a Saturday…
The 9th is a Thursday… but March 3 is a Saturday, and I like your thinking.
I apparently can’t read a calendar 🙁
whaaa? Is this for real?
Yup – we have two Chicago meetups on the calendar – Feb. 9 and Mar. 3. All are welcome from near and far! (Though, I will understand if non-Chicagoans can’t make it.)
(See the “Chitown” topic in the DW meetup forum board for details.)
Isnt Budj from NY though? Is this turning into an LDR?
Also, I don’t know how I feel about these forums. I’m missing way too much. Theres no way to keep up!
Also, did everyone hold a Change Your Avatar Day and I wasn’t invited?
Why all the change people?!?! Its killing me slowly. Waaah.
Is materialsgirl really that girl from Devil Wears Prada. Ann something? I’m pretty sure she is from the looks of her picture on the Chicago blog.
ha – i think she looks like Liv Tyler – super pretty!
Does this count as schmoozing with a celeb? I think it does, I mean, I’m sure I’ve commented on something she wrote at one point or another.
-two seconds pass-
Dude, I totally am BFFs with Liv Tyler and Ann Cantrememberherlast name!
Don’t worry. I still can’t figure out how to change mine.
Oh the meetups, that’s real. No, Budj is not real. I mean, Budj is a real person, I presume. But I doubt he is trekking in from (NY, is it?) for a Chicago meetup. Though, I am currently campaigning for him (and everyone!) to do so.
NY – I’m like 20 minutes from the Finger Lake region…2 of the lakes are actually 20 minutes from me.
oh well perfect – i live on Lake Michigan. i heard the lakes connect – so just paddle on over.
Lock systems – yep….see you in like 4 months.
I know I am starting to feel really left out with the forums! But I can’t handle change very well so it will probably take me like a month to warm up to the idea. And i’m terrible at technology so the whole logging in/having to get an avatar thing is out of my comfort zone.
Exactly how I feel. I can’t deal with change and this whole year so far is all change. And now its happening on DW too. I suppose I will adjust as well. I hope.
Ignore these naysayers LW – He’s a keeper!
I think that she already knows what she needs to do, she’s just looking for some confirmation.
Even if he weren’t married, you should still dump his ass, block his number, and report him to HR if he continues to harass you. His controlling behaviour alone warrants that. Run, run away.
guys, i really don’t think she’s asking how to take him back. LW seems (to me) to be asking how to stand her ground and prevent him from getting back into her life. AND, if she’s been seeing him for almost a year and is concerned about his manipulative, controlling and potentially violent behavior. SHE SHOULD BE. she’s asking for help protecting herself and people are jumping down her throat. seriously.
LW, I agree with some suggestions here. File a complaint with your HR unit. Tell friends who will be able to look out for you (call the cops if need be). Log every single time he tries to contact you. Every single time. Even if the police won’t do anything now, if he does do something to step over the line and they can take your log to get you both a restraining order and protection that can then be used in court. Tell your neighbors about him and ask them to call the cops if they see him. You ask how to tell him “no” when he keeps asking, but I think you know deep down that he isn’t going to take “no” for an answer. That’s why you’re asking us for help.
His calling you multiple times a day, getting angry if you had a social life, expecting you to just be okay with the fact that he has a whole other family that he LIED to you about for months; you’re absolutely right to be disgusted with all this. He is a manipulator. But, it’s good that you’re aware of this, because it’ll help you keep your resolve. You’re not one of those women who believe this stuff is forgivable or want to believe it because you think he truly loves you. Recruit friends/neighbors/co workers to help you keep your resolve and stay accountable. Make sure HR knows everything, they can be a bigger force behind you if you need help pushing back. Please be very very aware of his actions. I don’t say that to make you paranoid, but better safe than sorry because he is the kind of guy who sees you as a possession, not another human being. He wants you, and you are rightfully trying to stay away from him.
I wish you the best of luck and safety, and I have faith that you’ll find a real man if that’s what you’re looking for.
“she’s asking for help protecting herself and people are jumping down her throat. seriously.
Yeah, this is what I thought as I was reading the comments. I second everything you said. Well done.
Yes. This.
There is nothing wrong with asking for help to get away from an abuser, and this guy, dear LW, is an emotional abuser. The manipulation, the projecting his behaviors (lying, cheating, sneaking around behind your back) onto you…he’s practically a textbook case of crazy.
Enlist the help of H.R. Keep track of all the things he says or does that violate your terms. Perhaps first decide what, exactly, your terms are. No speaking. No texting. No calling. Whatever. You need to take care of yourself here, and there are a lot of people and programs who are anxious and willing to help with that.
Good luck! and Stay Strong!
xox
Thank you for not just being mean to this LW. Obviously she knows she needs to not have this guy in her life. But for some women, it’s not easy to just tell a guy “no” and leave it at that. She knows he’s manipulative, and she knows enough to know she might need help getting him out of her life.
The whole point of Wendy’s “your turn” is for US to give the LW the same type of advice she’d get if Wendy answered the letter herself. Honest advice, not mean comments that aren’t at all helpful.
I’m glad you read the letter the way I did, and I’m glad you gave the LW this perspective, instead of just telling her she’s an idiot. I was going to do the same but you’ve already done it!
LW – I’m sorry that most of the comments on here are so negative. You definitely need help, and all of summerkitten’s suggestions are great. You just need to be strong and know that NOT being with him is 1000% the right decision.
Maybe you are right, and if that is the case I apologize to the LW.
However, something tells me that she is a type of a woman who finds some of these things flattering and a true sign of love. I think so because any “normal” woman would already take some of the precautions you suggested after one day of 40-plus phone calls. The fact that she ended up not only talking to him after three days of calling, but actually meeting him, tells me that at least on some level she does believe that he is doing this because he loves her.
I feel like you can read her question both ways though. Is she asking for advice on whether to give him a second chance or how to say no. She didn’t ask what do I do if he continues to call me and won’t leave me alone. If she did the response would be different. She asked what she should do if he begs her for a second chance.
I agree with summerkitten26 and franny, especially “The whole point of Wendy’s “your turn” is for US to give the LW the same type of advice she’d get if Wendy answered the letter herself. Honest advice, not mean comments that aren’t at all helpful.”
I mean yeah, the LW doesn’t fall all over herself to call the guy an asshole, but I interpretted her lack of condemnation as “duh, he’s an asshole– what do I do about it??”
Ok, but then she asked what do I do if he begs for a second chance. I mean we’re all going to interpret that differently. And some LWs need to be told MOA. It appears from the question that she asked that’s what she needs to hear.
The answer to that is pretty simple. You do not give him an opportunity to beg for a second chance, you simply stop talking to him. If you have decided to move on you do not ask other people’s opinion and help on what to do if he begs for a second chance.
I wish I could *like* this 100x.
Me too. I did not get the impression that she was asking whether to take him back, but how to best keep him away. I can kind of see how some people might have taken it that way, but after she so matter-of-factly listed his flaws, I figured she was just like, “I’m in the mess now- anyone know the best way to make it all go away??”
Someone above (too lazy to scroll back up -sorry!) mentioned that when LW finally picked up and went to talk to the guy after 40 calls that it was somehow an indication of LW wanting him back; again, I thought the opposite. Kind of like LW was thinking “40 times, seriously, dude? Maybe if I talk to him, he’ll STOP freaking calling!”
I don’t know… Maybe that is just me.. but if someone I don’t want to talk to calls me excessively, I NEVER answer…
I wasn’t really sure how to read her question.
“It was suspicious to me that he would act that way but till now I understand why. He told me he lied to keep me with him because he loves me so much. I just need advice on what to do if he begs me to give him a second chance.”
It sounds to me like she was mistaking the controlling/possessive shit for love. And the fact that she agreed to meet with him after he phone-harassed her leads me to believe she MAY be considering giving him a second chance.
FOR YOUR SAFETY, LW, PLEASE DO NOT meet with him in person (and I hope you haven’t already). He doesn’t deserve that. And, obviously, DON’T get back together with him. Take everyone’s advice about how to protect yourself. This situation is worse than what you might be perceiving it as right now.
I’m just blown away at how manipulative and deceptive this guy is. How can you meet someone a few hours a week, for almost a year, and never slip up that you have a wife and/or kids!!!!
I think more than anything, the guy is angry right now that the jig is up, and he might do things out of anger. LW, as others said, stay away from him, as a confrontation is the last thing you want.
LW, I know for a fact that the phone company will change your number right away free of charge if you call them and tell them (actually, Verizon did that for me. I would hope the other companies do the same thing). Please try to familiarize yourself with what harassment is, and see if his behavior can be considered harassment. Good luck!
If he’s a pathological narcissist, the lying is second nature. These creeps pass polygraph tests easily.
I actually don’t think she should call the police everytime he talks to her. That’s just going to piss the police off, and they won’t take her case seriously when it escalates. She needs to keep records of his phone calls, text messages, emails, etc. Anytime he interacts with her, write it down. If he talks to her at shift change, write it down and recruit a witness, if you think they would be on your side. And most importantly, write down when you tell him to leave you alone for good. These things will be important if she tries to get an order of protection. And LW, you are a great candidate for an order of protection IF you think he would respect a court order to leave you alone. If you think it would just piss him off, don’t get one. You can hire an attorney to get one, or you can call the court clerk. They’re required to help you file a petition for an order of protection, at least in Tennessee. Also, if you have a Family Justice Center in your area, you can get one there.
Also, do NOT delete his number. You dont’ want to accidentally answer his phone calls.
This is really important, keeping his number, especially if you rename as suggested above; use a name that has power for you. I did this and changed it multiple times (“the manipulator”, “liar”, “loser i don’t want”, “i can do better”, etc), in part to keep myself strong, in part to remind myself why I wasn’t answering and trying to reason with him.
Make yourself a new rule: screen ALL your phone calls. Tell people you’ll be doing this, so they should leave you a message and you’ll call them back. If you have mutual friends that will support you, tell them. If you have any doubt of whether they’ll support you, give them a wide berth and don’t share your actions with them. Drop them as needed. You are the one who gets to set your boundaries and that also means you have to enforce them.
When I left my ex, I had to lie to him to in order to get out safely. He had a lot of the same behaviors (controlling, assuming that I was a sleaze because he was and would mess around any chance I got, since he would, not “letting” me break things off with him, saying he was like that with me because he loved me). It was really hard. He made ME feel like the jerk in the situation. If this guy follows the same/similar pattern as my ex, he’ll try calling from other numbers to see if he can get you to pick up. He’ll get his friends to call you and hand him the phone once you’ve answered. For months. He’ll send emails (I sent my gmail to keep them so I would have a record but automatically archive them in a folder so I wouldn’t read them and be tempted to respond), he’ll send from other accounts, maybe he’ll try to find you through social networking or professional sites (my ex would send messages through linkedin even!). This is frustrating, but manageable, if you can get yourself the distance you need to keep your healthy mindset.
I would encourage you to remind yourself that your concerns are valid and to ask yourself what you want your life to be like. Your life with this guy in it will be drastically different than your life with out him, and I’m pretty sure the happier picture is a life without this guy. What would you want a friend in your position to do? Your warning bells are going off, pay attention to them and trust yourself.
Very, very true. Sometimes, it can take years. I had to take myself off of IRC to help get away from my ex-husband. I blocked him on facebook. I deleted my myspace account. My livejournal is set to private. The only email account he knows of automatically dumps his emails into a special folder and until his probation was over, auto-replied that any email was considered a violation of the 5-year no-contact order and was being forwarded to a specific officer within the police dept (who happened to be a friend of mine working the DV unit).
Anybody that would call you 40 times in one day for 3 days straight should probably seek some help.
For real… that’s just frightening…
One of the most thought-provoking things I have read about stalking victims is this: If he calls you [40] times, you have just told him what the price is to talk to you. [40] calls. He will keep calling until he hits that magic number and then again and again. Please, take all of these suggestions and protect yourself.
This. exactly. I just commented the same thing above. Also, I learned that from reading The Gift of Fear that everyone was recommending for a while, so thanks everybody!
I read that book based on recommendations from this site as well. 🙂
Do you work at the hotel my BF does? He knows a guy in the same situation you’re describing!
My advice:
1. Document everything as well as you can. If you ever want to get a restraining order you’ll need documentation.
2. Contact the HR department at your hotel (or at a national office if it’s a larger brand) and alert them of the situation. Request to be on different shifts or be transfered to another hotel or the like.
3. If he had a key to your house/apartment have the locks changed.
4. Change your phone number. Seriously, he won’t stop calling you.
5. Resist the urge to contact him to get closure. It will not go well. If you need to get your feelings out write him a letter and never send it.
6. Lastly, surround yourself with good friends/family and take a little break from dating.
Good luck!
Great adice. As a L&E attorney, I really like Nos. 1 and 2 the most.
I wish I had had my own advice 5 years ago when I dumped my crazy ex. He litterally broke into my apartment and stole my cat that how nuts he was. And he STILL to this day calls me like once a year. The last time it was to tell me he just got out of a 3 week stint and a mental hospital. Thank goodness I live over 900 miles from him now.
Oh hell no! If someone stole my cat, this cat lady would show them what crazy REALLY is. Actually, in your situation I probably would have been pretty frightened. What happened to your kitty? Glad you’re safe now!
I got my Franky boy back the same night. I drove over to his house in a rage with my roommates (I had 3 at the time) and demanded he give him back or I would call the cops. Which when you’re a coke head calling the cops is a pretty big threat. The dude is nuts though. Absolutely nuts. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to show up to my wedding. He was also mentally and physically abusive too. What a catch.
Did we date the same guy?
LW, I once posted a rant about women dating these awful men who clearly were just terrible people to be in a relationship with. Most of the scenarios were exaggerations of other letters. I think, with the possible exception of a labradoodle, your guy is actually all of the things in that rant. Does your man have a labradoodle?
Oh, you should probably delete this asshole’s number, stop answering his calls, and cut him out of your life. If he asks to take you back, I think a simple “No Fucking Way” should do the trick.
Woah Woah Woah. What’s your issues with labradoodles? That’s the third dog on my list right behind a great dane.
It was just the random dog I picked for “guy married with 2.5 kids, picket fence, and dog.” No personal opposition to labradoodles 🙂
They’re so cute. They look like Muppets.
So true! That’s what my baby boy is! He looks like Sprocket from Fraggle Rock so much it’s creepy!
Dance your cares away!
Just a few things you can do:
1. Run far and fast
2. Change your number.
3. Tell your boss what the situation is as well as your friends (so they know what is going on and so they can protect you if he comes after you).
Controlling is one thing, lying another. this guy is bad news. Do not answer his calls.
Actually, The Gift of Fear recommends not changing the number. Just get a new phone. That way, you can leave the old phone at home, and he thinks he’s leaving you messages and calling you, but it won’t bother you at all. If you change your number, he’s just going to do whatever he can to get the new one.
While a lot of us (admittedly, myself included) are ragging on this LW for even entertaining this loser for one more second after she discovered the truth, this is the real, practical advice she needs to hear. Especially letting friends and co-workers know, because they need to know that under no circumstances should they a). give out her new phone number and b). let him know where she is.
Also, she needs to talk to HR, because if the hotel emails or posts work schedules publicly they need to stop doing that ASAP for her safety.
That is, if she’s *truly* interested in leaving him and not in some way enjoying the drama or genuinely believing that his behaviour is due to “love” (really, really hope those last two things are false).
I feel like this letter must be fake. How can you possibly be dating someone for 11 months and not realize they are married with 6 kids? Especially when your coworkers are telling you he is married with 6 kids, and the information is readily available online? Didn’t you ever go to his house, over the course of a year? Or meet some of his friends? Or by “seeing him”, do you mean you were sneaking up to empty hotel rooms and having a fun half hour when you weren’t too busy?
I don’t doubt the validity of this letter. As I said above, my BF works with a guy who has a wife and multiple kids and is dating a chic at work on the side. People who work in hotels (in my experiance) often have strange schedules and last minute shifts. It would be very easy for this guy to lead a double life.
When I worked at a hotel, there was a guy like that there too. He had 4 kids, from 23-years-old to a two-year-old, with three different women, and another chick was pregnant by him and worked at hotel as well. Granted, he wasn’t married anymore, but he would hump any new thing that walked by him.
Yeah, I totally don’t get how she wouldn’t believe their coworkers… why would someone (multiple people!) lie about that???
They’re just jealous that she has snagged him right from under their noses…
A catch like that? Who wouldn’t be jealous?
The LW never intended to be the Other Woman and she did not know her boyfriend was married. After getting suspicious, she did some online research and to her horror discovered that her boyfriend is indeed married with 6 children. One of the children is still an infant, which means that the scumbag boyfriend is continuing to be intimate with his wife.
Even though it really hurt because she has strong feelings for him, she did the right thing and broke up with him. Now the LW misses him and the relationship, which is normal after a breakup. The pain she feels is very great and the temptation to get back together and alleviate the pain very strong. I felt this way also after breaking up with my sweetheart.
To resist this temptation, it is essential that she seek support from her family and friends. Staying busy with other social engagements and taking up a new hobby or project may also help. Also, it helps to have friends remind you that getting back together would be both a personal disaster and morally wrong. I did all these things and had a few rough months but am doing much better now. I want to congratulate the LW on making the right decision even though it was very difficult. I also want to tell the LW that while it may take longer to recover completely from her broken heart, but she will feel much better in just a few months.
Sorry. No. There is such a thing as wilfull ignorance. She was told multiple times by co-workers that this dude was married with multiple kids. She chose to accept his denials. What she should be feeling is not heart-broken at having dodged a bazooka shell, unless her goal in life is to become pregnant by the first available scumbag sperm donor.
Jesus F*cking Christ.
Is it really that difficult to say NO?!!? If you feel the need to give an explanation say
“Sorry I don’t date guys who are ____________”
a) Married
b) Liars
c) Simultaneously impregnating other women
d) Controlling/Stalker-y (calling 40 times a day is NOT testament of his love and dedication)
Seriously LW, this guys seems like a TOTAL waste of life. If you are at ALL tempted to take him back please ,get thee to a therapist ASAP to work on building some self esteem pronto.
It’s obvious that you’ve already decided to continue taking his calls since you’re asking what you should say to him so here’s my advice…
If a relationship with an angry, controlling man who has a wife sounds good to you, say yes. If it doesn’t then say no.
Gross! WHY ON EARTH would you EVER consider giving him another chance?
This right here….
“Before all this happened, he’d call me all the time and and if I didn’t answer he’d get so mad. He’s controlling and would get upset if I tried to hang out with my friends and would assume I was doing something behind his back. It was suspicious to me that he would act that way but till now I understand why. He told me he lied to keep me with him because he loves me so much.”
….is MORE than enough to dump his ass. Jealousy and controling behavior =/= love. AND he has a wife and 6 kids?! AND he was seeing you while his wife was pregnant?!?!?!?!?!?!
For the love of zeus, LW, PLEASE do what EVERYONE else has said and M the F O A!
And then, please, get some counseling or read DW on the regular and try to figure out what a loving relationship actually feels like. It’s kinda awesome. And not at all like what you described.
Oh, AND – guys that are jealous/possessive/controlling can get violent or stalkery when they get dumped. Change your number if you have to, talk to your employer, don’t walk to your car alone after work, get an order of protection if the situation calls for it. If his controlling behavior escalates, get help and DO NOT mistake it for love.
Wait…you mean standing outside her bed room window watching her fall asleep is a bad way to show her how much I love her?
Ah, the Edward Cullen School of Love.
haha
I practice my brooding look in the mirror often.
Ahaha look out, Addie, Budj sparkles!
*Gets out her vampire hunter kit* We don’t do sparkles up here… unless you’re doing an art project that involves glitter.
Naw, it’s cool see? They just want to hunt some bears and play superpowered baseball.
*shudder*
To quote a t-shirt…”And then Buffy staked Edward. The End.”
Oh Lordy no.
And this is ONE of the reason Ill never understand why ppl like Twilight and are “in love” with the vampire dude (who btw always looks like he is drunk, ew)
I hear ya. I don’t get it either.
with you!!
Remember how you found proof of his family online? Did you find a photo of his wife and 6 kids? Save it to your phone as the photo that shows up when he calls. That should do the trick.
You were an unwilling mistress. Don’t be a willing mistress.
Yeahhhh. And in the future? Do as much (legal) online stalking as you can before you get too involved with someone. I’ve found out some good stuff by doing this.
Aside from my complaints above about not being invited to Change Your Avatar Day, I love your photo. You look adorable!
Well, there was a special forum board about changing our avatars, but Wendy set the settings to private so you couldn’t see it… I know, I thought that was pretty harsh too. lbh, it’s not too late, you can put up a *real* avatar now.
Aw, shucks! Thanks, LBH. 🙂
Great idea. and perfect last lines.
Block his number and don’t even bother looking back.
Personally, I would tell this douchebag to fuck off and then change my phone number immediately. What a scumbag!
I envisioned Darth Vader saying that…and it was funny.
Budj, allow me to direct you to Chad Vader and his vlog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgWBD-95Hmw
Yeah he is just lying to you again, how can you not see this. What is it about this guy that makes him appealing to you!? Is it that he has a wife, and 6 kids that he clearly doesn’t care about, because he just had another one, while he was dating you? This guys is the biggest peice of scum, and you are worried about getting back together with him? Maybe after 3 or 4 kids of your own with him you will see what dick this guys is.
I think part of her trouble is that she’s sad to have verification he was a liar. Now she might feel stupid/dumb for trusting him for the last 11 months. Maybe she doesn’t trust herself or her instincts. (This is me projecting, btw!)
As someone else mentioned above, there’s probably also the ordinary sadness that comes from ending a relationship; the feeling lonely, wondering if you did the right thing, all that stuff.
From the outside it is hard to understand why someone would miss being in a relationship that wasn’t good for them or healthy, but if you’ve been manipulated it’s so easy to doubt yourself, and the normal feelings after a relationship could be amplified and help wash away the valid reasons for ending it.
You’re right, after she’s had enough time away from him, she’ll be able to see (without that doubt) what a dick this guy is.
Dear LW,
Are you just dying to be a stepmom? Cause that would be the only reason I would imagine you could give this guy a second chance.
“I just need advice on what to do if he begs me to give him a second chance.”
The words “fuck off” come to mind. Try those.
Or you could be nice and say something neutral like “I’m no longer interested in having any sort of relationship with you. Please respect my decision and leave me in peace.”
“Fuck off”– short, sweet, and to the point.
If you’re feeling wordy, how about “Practice safe sex and go fuck yourself”…
I would change your number, and probably change jobs
Sweetie, call his wife, and explain that her darling husband is stepping out on her. He took the best years of her life, knocked her up 6 times, and paid her back for her commitment by having sex with a younger woman behind her back. What a gem.
If he wants you back, tell him no. He has made vows to another woman.
I’m kinda irked by some of the comments since she’s not asking whether or not she should be with him, but what she should do if he tries again, but whatever, not the point.
I would not respond to his calls. If he continues calling, then I would have a male friend/coworker pick up the phone and tell him to stop calling and that you don’t want to speak to him again. (Hey, it worked for me once! And it totally helped that my friend had a deep, intimidating voice, haha.) You don’t even have to talk to him! The psycho-man may think that this is a new boyfriend of yours. And at the very least, he’ll know that you have some backup.
Hopefully this works. If not, I’d definitely talk to HR about it, because I’d be afraid for your safety at that point. Good luck to you. Stay strong! Don’t pick up the phone! Don’t feel bad for him! EVER!
It sounded like the LW was asking what to do because she was afraid he would call again and want to be back with her. I don’t think it was a giant leap of logic to discern that from what she wrote, which was asking what to do if he called her.
Otherwise, why would she write to DW? If women don’t like guys, we usually avoid them or tell them off (or have a friend intervene, if the dude is scary).
This guys lower then whale shit. Do all you can to severe contact and let your boss know what’s going on. If he wont leave you alone get a temporary restraining order and watch your back he could be dangerous.
What you do is continue saying no to him. If he calls, only answer the first call and tell him that he is harassing you, and that you will not tolerate so much as another phone call. If he calls again, document it, but do not answer. If he leaves threatening messages, save them. Don’t delete them. You are building a case of harassment against him. If he bothers you at work, you MUST document all of it. And REPORT it.
He is manipulative. Proven that already by lying to you about having children (you didn’t know for 11 months, did you?), let alone a pregnant wife!. He is a jealous, controlling individual and now that your backbone is rock solid, he’s going to be an ass.
Cover your ass and make sure that you are aboveboard and kosher with everything you do. Be polite, be CALM (these types LOVE to get a reaction, so don’t give him one), and stay strong.
If you have to, file protective orders, police reports, etc. Do not feel sorry for him. That is what he wants. Remember above all else – he did this all to himself and made all of his own choices, not you. He could have walked away at any time, been truthful with you (and himself) from the beginning, and could have stayed away when you left him. He brings any legal action on himself by continuing to contact, harass, stalk, etc.
Your response?
“Dickwad, what part of ‘Get out of my life’ don’t you understand?”
1) Go no contact. Immediately. Don’t give him any reaction, even an argument. He’ll leave when he stops getting attention from you, either negative or positive. Enlist a friend to support you when you get the urge to call him – call your friend instead.
2) Read Baggage Reclaim. (www.baggagereclaim.com) It talks about self esteem and being the other woman and reading signs early on that a man is no good. Make the best of this and learn from this experience.
3) Take care of yourself. Document stuff, get HR on your side, enlist friends and family to support you and protect you.
Hang in there. You are too good to be played like this. You deserve more in life and love.
I just discovered Baggage Reclaim recently myself! The lady who writes it is boss and her stuff is phenomenal. highly recommend.
“He told me he lied to keep me with him because he loves me so much.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! wekjflekjw I just have no words… *punches self in face*
Okay LW, giving you the benefit of the doubt, if you’re just asking for constructive advice on HOW exactly to avoid him, then follow the advice that people have already given (ignore ignore ignore and report to HR if things get out of hand etc.).
If you’re asking whether you should take him back, get thee to therapy and don’t date ANYONE again for the foreseeable future.
“He told me he lied to keep me with him …”
Yea, that line made me laugh a little. I mean seriously. What he said was that he was an ass because it benefitted him. He lied to get what he wanted. Charming. He obviously knows how to treat a woman. I can see how he managed to get two at the same time. {rolling eyes}
I would rarely say this, but this might be the right time for you (or someone) to contact his wife. For her sake. So she can make an informed decision about keeping this man in her life, and her kids’ lives. The only reason I would hesitate is if it seemed like there might a concern for her safety.
That kind of thing is generally frowned upon, I know, but Wendy always asks “would you be doing it for her or for you”. The answer is usually “I’d be doing it for me”. In this case, it’s actually a 1-2 punch–she gets to know, and you maybe get to keep him further away from you.
I have a friend who was contacted by the wife of a man she was unknowingly having an “affair” with. She was devastated (they were “engaged”), but she never would have found out if the wife hadn’t told her.
How would this have worked if it had kept going?? If they were “engaged,” what was he planning on doing living-wise when they got “married”? Also, how do you get engaged to someone and have no idea that they have a whole other life? Wouldn’t you wonder why you only get to see them during specified times? Or want to see where they lived? I don’t understand how that happens.
Please don’t eat the daisies.
So you’re looking for tools to help you resist this man’s advances? Here’s an idea. The next time he phones you to say, “Baby I need you” or whatever, just ask him about his kids.
There’s six of them (at least with his last partner), so there’s plenty to talk about. Names, genders, ages, likes, dislikes, school achievments etc.
If he refuses to talk about them, that should remind you of exactly what sort of man he is.
And if he does talk about them, that should remind you that he has AT LEAST SIX CHILDREN!
Get yourself a new phone number asap and tell Mr. Lame-Ass-Married-Man-With-Six-Kids to back off or else. You’ve kidded yourself and looked the other way long enough – there is nothing a loser of this magnitude can give you, other than continuing to blacken your reputation with all of your coworkers and injuring your chances of career advancement….
You obviously know he’s bad news because you’ve spelled it out for us. So, don’t give him another chance. Stop talking to him.
I”m a 1000% sure there is a man out there without a wife and six kids, and is not a controlling liar.
Ew. Just ew.
Morally bankrupt people always accuse others of doing the same thing they’re doing. My boss was convinced everyone was stealing from the company. Right up to the day the police came and arrested him for stealing from the company. So your morally bankrupt BF is accusing you of cheating because he’s cheating. Is this how you want to spend your life? With a morally bankrupt crapweasel? That makes you a crapweasel’s girlfriend.
There are some questions which come along that make me nod silently and say to the DW community, “Have at it friends. Have at it.”
This is one of those questions.
Uh…tell him to f*#k off?
Oh LW, I would be irate flaming throwsomething mad at this guy…mad enough that he would not want to speak with me. But seriously, to answer your question, just say NO. Walk away. It is just that easy. As far as the 40 phone calls go, file a harrasment complaint with the police and your hotel. He will go away.
And in the future: This is not to bash you, cause I’ve been in a similar situation, but did you not see this guy’s house? Seriously, how do you not know after 11 months of dating that someone is married? When I was younger, I had a guy that I’d been dating for about 4 months and it had gotten pretty serious. He refused to let me see his house, always making up some excuse or another to stay at my house. Well, to make a long story short, I accused him of being married and told him if I could not see his house that day I was leaving. I didn’t find a wife, but I did find a nasty condo…I mean really borderline hoarder type nasty. The point is, you can tell a lot about someone by looking at their living space.
There’s some pretty harsh responses posted here. Yeah, the LW is in a really crappy situation, and yeah, maybe she could have stopped it sooner (hindsight is always 20/20), but some of these responses lead down a very slippery slope to victim-blaming. She didn’t know, and creeps like this can really mess with your head, no matter how well-adjusted you were before you started dating. I interpreted it as she’s asking what to do if he calls again, not because she wants him back, but because she wants to keep him away.
I ended up dating a guy who turned out to be an insanely creepy stalker a few years ago. Luckily he didn’t live in the same city as me, and we only went out a couple of times, but it was still such an awful experience that I didn’t date anyone after that for months. After I figured out what he was like, it took forever to try and end it. I tried to break up with him a few times; after I finally did, he called me for months, multiple times a day, from different phone numbers, and sent me really creepy love letters. Eventually his attempts at communication tapered off, but I couldn’t relax until I moved out of town, I was so afraid he was going to show up at my place or where I worked. No one wants to believe they could be vulnerable to the tricks of an abusive, stalking creep; it’s surprising how easily they can hide the crazy behavior at first.
So, LW most of this is echoed above, but it bears repeating: Tell him once, firmly, if you haven’t already- I’d probably email or text him, rather than call (so he can’t try to talk you out of it, and so you have a clearer record of it)- “You are harassing me. Do not contact me again, or you will hear from the police.” You’ll then have clear, undeniable documentation that his attempts to communicate are unwanted. Then, do not take this guy’s calls. Document when he calls, texts or emails you; record what he says, especially if he’s threatening you. Tell trusted friends and family what’s going on, and ask them to look out for you. Go to HR and explain the situation; ask for a transfer to a different hotel if you work at a chain. If HR doesn’t do enough, and his behavior continues, go to the police. Hell, if your company fails to protect you from this guy, maybe you can even report them to the Better Business Bureau.
As for whether to tell the wife- not that you asked, but others have suggested it- I personally wouldn’t get more involved than I had to with this guy’s life. There’s too many unknowns about that situation, given that the only things you really know about his family are what he’s lied to you about. For all you know, she knows her husband is cheating and she’s already started divorce proceedings. Or, if they’re still together because she’s as screwed up as her husband is, you could end up getting dragged into their drama. If she somehow still doesn’t know, I’d think she might find out if the police get involved, or if he ends up getting fired when you report him at work. I’d stay out of it; she’ll find out soon enough if she doesn’t already know.
Stay strong, and don’t blame yourself. This can happen to anyone.
Not too long ago, I, too, was on the merry-go-round with serial-cheating sociopath. He did not wear a ring, was getting separated, blah blah blah. It went on for a year, and he did separate, right as I was about to MOA, of course! But then, he cheated on me as I was getting laid off. 3 months later he begged for my forgiveness. I was blindly in love, extremely vulnerable & took him back.
7 months later as my unemployment bennies ran out, he cheated again and took up with someone else. It hurt like hell, but I did MOA. a few years later he started sniffing around, at times I had moments of weakness, then regained strength & would tell him to fuck off! I never tried to contact him. In the midst of it he had a kid with her.
Well, being the sociopath HE is, a couple of years later, he caught me wayyy off guard, showing up right after holidays (my parents are dead & my sibs & friends are not close by nor supportive like I needed, and he knows all that & how that’s my vulnerable time. I had gotten stupid & started seeing him again (love is blind but the neighbor’s ain’t) except this bastard was so manipulative he even fooled my friends. Well after 6-7 months of being the option & not the priority, It got old and my attitude adjusted. Our last blowout fight was so nasty. It was right after my birthday & the cheap bastard didn’t even get me a card, yet was telling me how he always “got his big-tittied sister all the jewelry she wanted.” Yes, SKEEVINGLY EWWWWWWWWW!! IF that wasnt bad enough, his making me cry & pushing me in my own house CERTAINLY WAS!
FINALLY I got so beyond fed up with his manipulation (& my own weakness of not properly handling it) I wrote a letter to his live in baby mama-the one he cheated on me with, and told her to put her fucking dog on a leash or put him down! Told her he kept shitting in my yard & it was time for her to clean up the mess! I dimed him out like a crackhead in custody: told her dates and times, how he cheated with others & claimed we were all crazy, told her things I could not have possibly known unless either of them told me. I wasn’t calling her names or anything, was just matter of fact. I was scared at first, but, since I didn’t have the type of support system needed from friends/family, it was the only way I could think of getting him to leave me alone, since I was showing HIM I was no longer going to be party to his deception and bullshit.
II never wanted to be the other woman, but people can be so very manipulative, & I was so in love & weak. Mailing that letter was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. The pain, bullshit, NOT WORTH it for the few hours of pleasure I thought I got. The jerkoff still has stalkerish tendencies-drives past my house ALOT, is friendly with 1 of my neighbors he met thru me, and calls/hangs up on blocked numbers. Last week he pulled up right next to me @ a traffic light, I did a double take, & my middle finger swung right up as I waved it at him and mouthed the words ‘u r a fucking asshole, fuck you jerkoff, etc. The great news is I did not get weak, did not get nostalgic (ain’t missin’ the dissin’!) and I now see him for the horribly pathetic asshole he is.
LW, if he does not leave you alone, write his wife a letter, just make sure that your intent is to send HIM the message that YOU will no longer go along with his deception. It took alot of therapy & soul searching to finally MOA, but sending that letter was the first huge step. I only wish I had discovered DW sooner, but thank God I have now! This website has helped me immensely the past year, thank you! I’m much better, staying single for now & now putting all that passion I wasted on him into my creativity and myself. He hasnt come knocking at my door since, but if he dares to, I will kick his balls straight to the curb like Beckham (listen to Mary J & ‘Lil Kim!)
Best of luck, LW, Stay strong, and know that you deserve to BE THE PRIORITY, NOT THE OPTION.
XOV
This just happened to me as well. I actually broke up w the guy before I found out he had a wife and kids. I knew something wasn’t right. He did the same.accusing me of being w others. Very jealous very controling. It was his own guilt. Needless to say two weeks after we broke up his wife text me and I found out he was married. He still is begging for me back after I told her the truth. Bc in reality I was a victim too. I did not know he was married. But I apologized greatly of course. So anywho he still calls texts emails from different email addresses bc i am constantly blocking him. Be prepared for the flowers and candy. Throw them right away! It does hurt bc i did have feelings for him. I got to the point where I told him I was dating someone to be left alone and he had the nerve to call me a “cum sucking dirty whore” I’m wondering what he considers himself. But ik worth more and i will continue to block every attempt he throws at me for talking getting together anything. So good luck. But remember one day you will find someone who will make you #1 and never settle for less.