“My Boyfriend Keeps Asking Out Other Women”
Recently he asked a single co-worker out to coffee and it progressed to dinner. He reassured me that he is not interested in her as he is me. In the beginning of our relationship he had stated that he would like to ask her out to dinner to get to know her out of work, but only as a friend. I expressed my concerns particularly as she is unaware that we are together and that it would hurt me if he did this. Six months later he has asked her out. (His words: “It was one of those things where my mouth just started talking and the next thing I had asked her to coffee.”). I admitted that I didn’t like it, but I will have to accept it.
I know I am allowed to feel a bit of betrayal, but I am not sure where to go so far as conversations about this. He says that he is very private and does not want people at work talking about us, and I know that he does not talk to too many people about his private life, so should I be concerned? I made a comment that some parts of our lives we want to keep to ourselves like time with friends, and now I think he using this as a reason not to introduce me to them. I have not asked to meet them, as I would rather he ask me to meet them, but I don’t get that he can introduce me to his family, but not to them . . . — The Sort of Secret Girlfriend
Girl, this guy is playing you hard. He’s introduced you to his family to give you something to hold on to — to make you feel like he’s invested. But, listen, it’s easy to introduce someone to people you aren’t hoping to sleep with/date/whatever. In short: in a whole year he hasn’t introduced you to his (mostly female) friends because doing so would be a huge cock block for him. He doesn’t want your co-workers to know about you two not because he’s worried about his job (is there even a rule at work that colleagues aren’t allowed to date?), but because he’s worried that, if people know you’re a couple, he won’t be able to “get to know” the other women in the office over coffee and dinner (otherwise known as “dates”). He doesn’t want people to think he’s off the market. He very much wants to continue perusing the market at his leisure.
He is SO playing you. And he’s playing every other woman he continues asking out without divulging that he is, in fact, in a relationship. Honestly, if it were I, I’d just break up with him. A year is long enough for someone to stop asking out other people and start acting like he’s in an exclusive relationship (if he is in one, and you say he is). But if you want to continue seeing him, speak up and tell him you will no longer stand for his going out with women who don’t know you are his girlfriend. Let him know you have waited long enough to meet his friends and you don’t want to remain a secret anymore. If he isn’t willing to bring your relationship out of the closet, so to speak, you really need to MOA.
***************
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Great response, Wendy!
LW: You are this guy’s girlfriend in the sense that you think you are his GF. His actions and words (mainly with other women he asks out and friends he doesnt introduce you to) indicate he does not consider you his GF.
He doesn’t want your coworkers to know you’re dating but he’s asking other women at work out on dates?? Like I get not wanting people at work to know about your personal life, so hiding that he’s dating you is valid (ish?) but people are now going to be talking just as much about him dating someone from work… AKA THIS OTHER CHICK.
Anyways, WOW Wendy thank you for writing everything you wrote to that second LW because it went straight to my heart and was so so so very much what I needed to hear.
“It was one of those things where my mouth just started talking and the next thing I had asked her to coffee.”
.
Are you really waiting around to hear about how “it was one of those things where my pants came off and next thing I knew we were having sex”? Dating other people isn’t an involuntary impulse control issue. He choose to ask the girl out for coffee; he chose to extend the date to dinner and who knows what else he chose to do with her without telling you. Sorry. He isn’t lovely. He cheats and for some reason you are letting him spin you a tale that allows him to.