“My Boyfriend Gave Me a Spa Gift Card And I Blew Up”
I get that I probably lumped other hurts and let this blow up and that I could have handled it better, but it hurt my feelings and, before thinking, I let him know all that. I’m very grateful that he wanted to buy me anything at all, and it could have been $1 for all I cared if it had meaning. I just let the thought of his not caring enough to listen to me and the thought of knowing the gift would go to waste get the better of me. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I’ll own that I am wrong in how I could have handled it, but am I wrong to feel he could meet me halfway and see how it could hurt me too? — I Hate Massages
You’re entitled to your feelings, so you aren’t “wrong” for feeling hurt about a gift that you think reflects poorly on how your boyfriend regards you. The problem is that you see this gift as a metaphor for your relationship – or, as you call it, “validation” for your boyfriend’s feelings for you. You’ve been in a “rough place” with him lately, likely feeling unloved and uncared for, and in that case, it sounds like this gift that you find thoughtless DOES validate some feelings, doesn’t it? It validates and confirms YOUR feelings of not being important to your boyfriend (not important enough for him to listen to you and make note of your personal preferences). Whether it confirms your boyfriend’s feelings is almost beside the point. What matters the most is that you aren’t feeling heard in this relationship and the gift you received is a perfect metaphor for that.
Here’s the thing though: Even if your boyfriend had given you the “perfect” gift full of meaning, would that have erased all the other stuff in your relationship that is giving you pause? No, it wouldn’t. Those issues would still be there regardless what kind of Christmas gift you might have received from your boyfriend. Frankly, it’s lazy to rely on a gift to do the work that needs to be done in a fractured or broken relationship. Gifts aren’t glue.
I think it’s time to have an honest conversation with yourself – and with your boyfriend – about the state of this relationship and assess whether it’s worth trying to save and what you can do to save it if you decide you both want to. That means expressing your needs to each other and doing your best to either meet them or be honest about your limitations or lack of desire to do so. If your needs are not met in a timely fashion or if you don’t at least see some improvement in the coming weeks, it’s time to move on. In the meantime, if you’re in the NYC area and want to unload that spa certificate, I’ll take it off your hands!
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Good advice.
One additional note: Maybe the spa the certificate is good for offers things that aren’t massages — mani-pedis, waxing, etc. Giving to Wendy is the best idea if you’re not going to use it, but you could investigate how it might be useful otherwise.
“Gifts aren’t glue” LOVE THIS Wendy!
LW: I bet the massage place will refund the value if he explains the situation. I hope you consider actual communication over hinting in the future.
I dunno. Needing someone to validate me, or needing someone to make me feel loved — that’s an unhealthy dynamic right out of the gate. That is NOT the boyfriend’s job. Or anyone else’s responsibility.
Feel good about your own self!
Cultivate some self-worth!
Don’t hand your entire well-being over to someone else!
I get it when people say “talk about what you need in a relationship,” but that’s stuff like how much sex, how to do finances together, whether to have kids, etc. It’s not supposed to be: VALIDATE me as a person.
That level of neediness is never going to work in a healthy relationship.
LW: stop “dropping hints” and just come out and say what you want. Why on earth do you think he’s going to read your mind and pick up on subtle “hints”?
LW: I agree you have two issues: (1) disappointment at a gift and (2) disappointment in your relationship. The two aren’t the same thing.
My husband and I own a business together. He got me a new laptop for Christmas. I’d basically told him I wanted gift cards/cash to spend on myself. The laptop is veerrryy nice, useful, needed and something he’d love to have gotten himself. It’s a great gift. But, it’s also the 2019 equivalent of a vacuum cleaner in our circumstances, you know? I was pretty (quietly, to myself and non-rudely) bummed out about it until the next morning after I slept on it, tbh.
But I don’t think my husband doesn’t love me because he bought me a nice gift that wasn’t what I wanted. Far from it. We share a business, share our money and he genuinely doesn’t get why I’d want gift cards or cash when he doesn’t pay attention to or care what I spend money on for myself anyway. For him, the laptop is a fantastic, fun, useful and super cool gift he could help me set up and use and I can it shows or clothes or whatever whenever I want. And I do get that.
Point being, your BF wasn’t dissing you by getting you a spa package. He genuinely thought there’d be something there you’d like. If not a massage, then a pedi or mani or facial or literally anything else his mom/sister/co-worker/friend/whoever told him you would love if he got you that gift card.
One thing I’m trying to work on in the new year is to give grace and benefit of the doubt when I can. Life is easier when you don’t assume most people have an ulterior motive. And if you really do think your BF have you a spa gift card out of spite, I mean, cash out the card and MOA. But some champagne or whatever with the proceeds.
LW, Why are you hinting? Why not just speak up and give him a list of things that you would like. If you are doing the same thing in other areas of your relationship it is no wonder that the two of you aren’t doing very well. Take the hinting out of the relationship and it will improve drastically. Every time your partner has to read your mind you will be disappointed. That’s every time because partners don’t read minds. Learn to speak for yourself, not hints and watch your relationship improve.