“My Girlfriend Once Had Threesomes and I Can’t Deal”

I am a 68-year-old male dating a 59-year-old female. After dating my girlfriend for almost a year and a half, she told me that she had five or six threesomes in her past. This occurred when her husband was ill and he gave her permission to seek satisfaction outside of the marriage. She got on a dating app and hooked up with a “friend with benefits” who, after a while, proceeded to set up MMF (male, male, female) threesomes.

They both enjoyed the one-on-one sex and the threesomes for almost a year. The threesomes were done without her husband’s knowledge, and as his illness got worse, she walked away from that lifestyle. She says it was just sex with FWBs, very detached. They hardly ever kissed, rarely spent time outside the hotel room, etc.

Her husband eventually passed and she didn’t see anyone for eight years before dating me. I really value this relationship and need to process this information that she’s shared with me. I seem to be experiencing retroactive jealousy over something I had absolutely nothing to do with. I need help dealing with my jealousy so I can continue to grow this relationship. — Just the Two Of Us

 

Well, what is it that you’re jealous of? Naming the thing that triggers a feeling you are uncomfortable with is a good way of taking back some the its power and helping you get to a place of being more comfortable with your feelings. We can’t really control our feelings, but we have control over the way we respond to them and what we do with them. Figuring out where the feelings arise – what it is that triggers them – can help us look at the situation more objectively; it’s like turning a burner on a stove down from high heat to medium before what’s inside boils over.

So, what triggers your feelings of jealousy? Do you wish you’d had more sexual adventures yourself? Are you concerned that your girlfriend has feelings or is bonded with these men from over eight years ago? Are you worried that you don’t measure up to the men she’s had sex with in the past? Get as specific as you can, and pay attention to how getting specific makes you feel. Lean into those feelings, don’t fight them.

Now, think about the future. Think about what a future with your girlfriend looks like. Be specific, and pay attention to how the specific details make you feel. If you can’t imagine any specific details, why do you think that is? For a future with someone, you’d want to have shared goals, compatible lifestyles, and shared values. Do you have these things? Does her sexual or relationship history compromise any of these things? If it does, then you have to accept that perhaps you two aren’t compatible. It happens. It doesn’t mean either of you is a bad person, but it does mean that you shouldn’t waste each other’s time if you two aren’t a long-term match and have outgrown the short-term fun.

Ultimately, jealousy, though it may feel uncomfortable, can guide us to a deeper understanding of our own desires and needs. I invite you to see this scenario as an opportunity to do some soul-searching. Rather that think about “dealing with your jealousy” in terms of overcoming it, let it be a message to you. Your job now is to decipher what the message is – what the jealousy is telling you about yourself, your needs, and your relationship.

8 Comments

  1. Anonymousse says:

    She chooses you, now, everyday. I’d try to focus on that.

    1. I had to make her sleep with my friend so I can deny the fact that am falling for her after my ex died ..I allowed it so I could stay off her but it’s not working 😩

  2. I just read this same question at Slate on How to do it. They were a lot harsher in their answer since he left out some details here.

    1. Yeah they were pretty harsh at slate but a few good thoughts. Also Ask Wendy did edit my request for advice. Basically sent the same info to both.
      My girlfriend and I are continuing to love each other and talk it through.

      1. Anonymousse says:

        Maybe instead of talking it through at all anymore… you could try to simply let it go.

        Stop bringing it up because you’re having feelings about it. You’re probably making her feel pretty shamed and bad and if she’s smart, she will leave soon if you keep pressing it. At a point it becomes obsessive and abusive. I highly doubt anyone is proud of every moment of their life and wants to recount their sexual experiences endlessly to the one person who is supposed to love and accept them without judgement?

        Stop harassing her about something she can NEVER change or fix for you and if you’re trying to get a threesome out of this for “fairness,” you’re messed up.

        Therapy, dude. She shouldn’t have to talk you through anything. This is your insecurity and your problem, not something she did wrong.

        What details were left out?

  3. Anonymous says:

    To me that says shes a shitty partner, her husband dying and shes thinking about her sexual pleasures, imagine ur wife dying and youre like hey honey im not satisfied sexually im going to have sex with other women and have some 3 somes behind ur back while you spend your last days laying in bed and dying, no morals or values. Thats my view from an emotionally detached perspective of your girlfriend

    1. I was thinking along the same lines. It may not be the act, but the circumstances under which she had threesomes. While her husband “granted her permission” to seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere, she kept it from him that she engaged in threesomes. IDK the dynamics of that marriage, but it very well could have been a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. I digress. I wonder if her secretiveness (from the late husband) is making LW uneasy.

  4. Eli stoneman says:

    In a similar boat,
    I fell in love with a girl, and then one day she drops upon me and I curiously, and she met a certain friend because they almost had a threesome. You’re into threesomes I asked? She then proceeded to tell me she had participated several times. Two females one male, exploring her interest in women she said. I was kind of shocked, I tried to envision all the scenarios what was in her face while something else was coming out her from behind I counted it doesn’t know so different scenarios and the pictures ain’t pretty. She says I’m a traditional guy loves me to death. I considered marrying this woman, and now, when I make love to, I think about her, having someone’s crotch in her face, while being satisfied from the rear, and it nauseates me. I called her a deviant, and a pervert in anger
    I love this woman I’m very angry with this woman, and I don’t know that I can overcome my revulsion at her choice of sexuality. I’ve had my opportunities, but one woman at a time always seem to satisfy me and I don’t quite get the need to have an extra party in the room. Why stop at three why not have a gangbang?

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