“I’m Pregnant But My Boyfriend Wants Freedom”
Well, what exactly is your plan for after the baby is born? Is your boyfriend going to move in with you? Are you going to maintain separate homes? How are you going to support this child? All conversations right now should be framed around your plan for caring for your baby. Leave your feelings out of this if you’re worried they’re going to be dismissed and stick with practicalities: “We have a baby coming very soon. What is your plan for helping me care for it? I don’t see how you can continue having dinner with your mother every night and be present for us in the way we are going to need you to be present.” I’d also be sure to line up some other support since it sounds unlikely this boyfriend is going to be the help you’re going to need him to be.
If you and your mom think having a lesbian mother is something to be ashamed of or something that should go in the “con” column for a potential match, you’re a couple of homophobic bigots and my advice to you is to leave this guy alone because, let’s be honest, the chance of an “epic love” here is minimal and it isn’t worth dragging him into any head-fuckery your bigotry might create. And if you aren’t a bigot and are simply worried about your mother’s opinion and respect, I’d stop worrying about that and start making your own decisions based on your own values, which are hopefully grounded in less hate and intolerance than your mom’s. (I do agree that heavy smoking is pretty gross though).
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
LW1: You probably should’ve thought about that before you had a kid with someone you didn’t know. Right now I don’t see a huge problem that he stops off somewhere before he comes home. It’s almost possessive to be that annoyed. Like I hear that it happens every day but if he’s not living with her then what’s the problem with stopping home and seeing his mom besides the mom annoying her by just being in his life.
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WWS, create that post-baby plan and shift your focus.
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Also sidenote, the phrase “last bit of freedom” always bugs me in relation to getting married, having a kid, etc. It’s like fun is supposed to end after those milestones and you’re losing an identity.
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LW2: Please never use the phrase “epic love” again. Life isn’t a romcom.
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Something tells me he won’t (or shouldn’t) be interested in someone who is at most just willing to overlook that his mom is a lesbian and has a homophobic mother. I can’t imagine dishing with my mom about the guys I’ve been into over the years.
While life doesn’t end after having a child, it does change pretty drastically and in ways that are not entirely positive (I do want kids and think it is majority positive, but there are downsides don’t lie). I can see the “last bit of freedom” thing making sense in terms of having kids. Certainly I know couples who are generally well-adjusted and having very wanted babies who still experience that fear of the loss of freedom. For at least a couple months, you have a thing that literally depends on you to survive and could not survive without you. That’s some serious shit. So… yeah, I can see it. Also why this LW needs to stop talking about feewings and start worrying about that helpless mini-human who is about to need support, sustenance, and love from its parents.
However… I find the concept totally revolting in relation to marriage. Because if you are in a committed relationship (and/or engaged) and think you still have the freedom to sleep around (open relationships aside), you are a cheating bastard who should not get married. Unless this is a shotgun or arranged marriage, you aren’t having one last night as a single guy… you’re already coupled.
Amazing, Wendy!!!!
The shortcuts are always just perfect. Especially to LW 2.
1. Again spot on advice. The bigger question should be what’s the plan for after the baby’s born. I have a feeling these two are very young and the baby daddy IS hanging out at mom’s for moral support because he’s having a hard time dealing with the fact that he’s going to be a dad.
2. Obviously the LW DOES care about those issues or she is very young to rely on having her mother’s opinion carry that much weight in a relationship. As a mother, I understand how her being around a heavy smoker would be concerning, but if he’s truly a great person then she’s going to have to accept that there are much worse things he could be doing. I don’t even know what to say about the whole mother is a lesbian comment. Unless she’s a horrible person/mother who HAPPENS to be a lesbian, but there’s nothing stating that in the letter so I’m going to have to assume that’s not the case.
I love the shortcuts….Now I am just waiting on the day when any, if not most, of the LW’s will update or reply back at all. Takes the fun out of it. Wees as well.
Wendy, you should make a checklist of the things a couple needs, and should be/do/have before having a baby, similar to the list about moving in together! I never fail to be shocked at the LWs who write in with the most immature, dysfunctional, and ridiculous relationships, and who are also pregnant.
That’s a good idea.
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I have to say, I’ve gotten so, so many emails lately from people having unplanned babies they aren’t even close to emotionally/financially/logistically prepared for that it’s starting to really depress me.
Me too, Wendy.
Yeah this is depressing. We need to invent time travel so we can go back a few months and tell all these LW’s: “Birth control. Trust me.”
That’s scary and depressing.
And they all seem to be minutes away from giving birth.
Since we often talk about cultural things for LWs, I wonder if there’s a cultural issue at play for LW2. Namely that her mother is very religious, and she has been raised very strictly. It actually could be very daring for her to say she doesn’t have a problem with the guy’s mom being a lesbian, depending on her family. If she’s both young (which was my association from the letter) and from a religious background, separating her own thoughts/desires from her mother’s can be hard, and I think calling her a bigot is a huge overreaction. Her mother, yes. Her? If all she has heard is negatives about gay people, but she is trying to change that, I don’t know that I would stick her with a label immediately that will most likely shut down any conversation.
My ex-husband was a smoker. No one has ever smoked a cigarette in my house since he over out in 1986. I would NoT go out with a smoker ever again! Run!!!