It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost five years and it’s been rocky and we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs. Last July, I cheated on him with my neighbor because I was not getting enough attention. I came clean about a week or two later because I couldn’t handle the guilt, and we broke up but still continued to sleep together until we eventually got back together in September. Last week I discovered that he’d been having an affair for eight months with a married woman whose husband is 30 years older. He told me that he wanted to leave so many times, but she would threaten to tell me and act crazy and that he didn’t know how to get out of it. Meanwhile, he was never home and I begged for his attention. He said that they slept together often — probably more than we did — and that they had told each other they loved one another. When everything came out, she still indirectly denied having the affair and I basically beat the truth out of him. He apologized over and over and said that he wanted to stay with me, that he didn’t know why or how he did what he did and that he wanted to give me everything, which is why he chose to tell me the truth. My head says to MOA and my heart says can this be fixed. Which should I listen to? — Head or Heart
Your head. Five years is about four years and nine months too long to spend on a relationship that doesn’t work. Don’t waste any more time on this disaster.
My controlling and insecure boyfriend of one month searched my phone last week and found messages from another guy telling me he misses me. I replied that I missed him too, but that I’ve been busy. This guy is a friend and my boyfriend knows it. For some reason my boyfriend started yelling and insulting me, saying that I am sleeping with the guy and, since he is not the only one in my life, he might as well start following other girls. I was so hurt, but I kept quiet. It’s been two weeks, and I have not heard from him since. I’ve called and sent messages but no reply. What do I do now? — Not Too Busy for Him
Count your blessings you dodged that bullet, and, if you’re ever again in a position to say “my controlling boyfriend,” MOA because there’s no reason those three words should ever be uttered together by any self-respecting person.
There is a boy at my school whom I adore. He is the most popular guy of the school. Last year, I did not care about him, but this year he started smiling at me, so I introduced myself and we got to know each other. At the school dance he showed me his Facebook account (I don’t have one) and seemed very comfortable with me. His best friend told my friend that he likes me, but he “has some problems with an older girl.” I do not know what she meant exactly, but I was excited, created a Facebook account and added him as a friend. He had been ignoring me lately, and I asked him on FB what he thinks of me and if he ignores me because I have done something bad to him. He said he simply doesn’t care about me and I said the same thing, but during the conversation he was calling me “my girl.” I said I only see him as a friend, but he said he isn’t even interested in being friends with me. I said “OK, so tomorrow at school I should not even say a hi to you?” And he replied “Do whatever you want.” And I said “OK, I won’t talk to you, because, as I said, I do not want anything from you,” and he read that and immediately disconnected. It has been a month since then and we are not talking, but he keeps on looking at me and following me sometimes. Do you think he likes me? — Not in a Friendly Way
No, and more importantly, I don’t think he’s given you any reason to like him.
***************
You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Sweet god – the third letter cured me of any lingering nostalgia for my old high school days. Seriously we should have deployed teenagers as weapons during the Cold War, the USSR would have crumbled in hours.
LW1 yes, move on. This is just a clusterfuck of a relationship at this point, & so much damage has been done that I don’t think either of you will recover enough to have something healthy going on.
LW2…why are you still chasing after this guy after what a jerk he proved to be? Like Wendy said, be glad you dodged a bullet.
LW3 I can barely follow this, but what IS clear is that the guy doesn’t like you. He told you he didn’t even want to be friends! I would say to MOA, but since this is high school, you’ll probably have a lingering crush on him until you graduate or something. At least ~try~ to move on, okay?
aw… LW3 is, what? 13? wow i do not miss the “what do you think of me?” days.
dont worry LW3. in only a few short years you probably wont even remember this guy. there is much more life to live!
Did you ladies (or men out there) also have crushes on people you barely knew/talked to in high school? Because I did. I would pine after someone I hardly even knew. Like what is that even about? Now (or at least when I was single last 3.5 years ago) it takes a lot for me to be interested in someone.
I never had a serious boyfriend in high school, but I sure spent a lot of time “having feelings” for a guy I barely even spoke to. Awkward.
I definitely did. Not so much in high school, but definitely middle school. My crushes would always be based on some minor interaction early on in the school year, & then I’d ride on that for months (even if the crush NEVER spoke with me again)
This, so much. I nursed a crush for a whole year because a guy smiled at me at the fall dance. It was the first time someone from his general social group had been even the tiniest bit nice to me, so of course it was A Sign from the Heavens that he luurrrrved me. Oh, the angsty songs that were listened to. Oh, the longing gazes.
oh yes. of course! maybe not as much in high school, but definitely before.
i think that at that age/stage, you dont really understand the whole knowing a person as a whole person to evaluate them as a possible partner thing yet. you just understand that certain people are visually appealing, and that makes your hormones spike a little bit because you are just developing your sexual desires. you are just developing that side of you, the sexual, romantic partner side, and so all you can understand at that stage is visual appeal, and then popularity also, because our culture puts so much emphasis on that.
i copied some of my journal entries here before, but there was this guy josh who i was in love with in 6th grade. he was an 8th grader. and i cant tell you anything about him- nothing like his favorite color, what he liked to eat, even what classes he took and what he wanted to be when he “grew up” or anything. i can tell you his name and what he looked like, and the stupid things he did that i latched onto as signs he loved me back. lol. wow.
I was madly “in love” with this boy 3 grades ahead of me that I’d never even spoken to. I found out his name by looking through the yearbook. I used to stalk him around the school and I can’t even count how many times I walked into a garbage can or a wall because I was too busy staring at him instead of watching where I was going. One time, I passed him in the stairwell when nobody else was around and he smiled at me, and I nearly fainted!! I was so crazy about him that I would write his name on EVERYTHING and I couldn’t sleep at night because I’d be imagining conversations with him. I couldn’t even eat lunch most days because being near him in the cafeteria made me so nervous/excited I had no appetite.
I am SO glad those days are behind me. Now that I look back, that just seems so unhealthy. Ugh. Oh yeah, I never did speak him.
I’m a married 31 year old woman and I have a crush on a guy that rides my train!
Well, I just think he’s cute (and I’ve never spoken to him). Is that a crush?
I so have a crush on a guy I work with. Although he works in Houston and we’ve never met. Just IM and e-mail and chat on the phone. Not even really flirting. But god, do I have a crush on him. Love his voice.
Anyway, crushes are fun and I see nothing wrong with them.
Ha. Last summer, I had a crush(?) on a personal trainer at my gym. He was handsome and that was all I needed to make it to the gym every day. The one time we spoke was when I responded to a question he’d asked — and then I realized he wasn’t talking to me. Winner. To date, I still hope he didn’t hear me. He left my gym last fall and I was oddly a little bit sad to when I finally noticed he was gone. It was pretty much a middle school crush in my mid-20s. Haha. 🙂
I totally get to meet my Houston crush in May. He and his buddies are coming here and I helped him get our company seats to a cubs game, which are seven rows behind home. So, I’m meeting up with them after the game and he said all food and drinks are on him, no arguing, because of the tickets. I can not wait.
He might suck in person though. And there goes my crush.
If I ever decided to spring for personal training, I must confess I would feel positively ripped off if the gym didn’t assign me a super-hot male.
Yep! I used to have such a crush on a doctor I worked with (he was married). He would say super basic things, like “good morning” and I get this huge grin on my face! So silly, and honestly, so fun!
Yeah, there’s a guy at my job who works on the other side of the building at a different company who you could say I have a “crush” on, haha. He never passes me, only walks like horizontally across my vision when coming in or going out for smoke breaks, lunch, etc. One time, we passed each other walking into the caf (all the companies share one) & he kind of did the smile/nod thing. Of course, I think I totally froze up to the point where I didn’t even smile back…
I’ve totally had public transit crushes…
I have a crush on my gay yoga teacher. But in my defense we do actually speak.
Yes! I was OBSESSED with this older guy for two years. I basically never talked to him but I could not have been more obsessed. I would sneak out of my Social Studies class to go sit with my friends in this study hall that he was in. Of course I knew his schedule and how to maximize the chances of running into him in the halls. I would call his house and hang up (this was before cell phones or internet or anything). Once in gym class I threw up and he saw and I was humiliated!
A few months before he graduated, he actually asked me on a date. He picked me up and we went to the movies and he was SO BORING. He also asked me if I could pay for my own ticket because he was saving money for college or something. He was pretty lame. But then he asked me out again and we went on another movie date. This time when he pulled into my driveway I kind of hopped out of the car and he was like, “oh, no goodnight kiss?” or something… So I kissed him, I guess, and then went in the house. Nothing happened after that… But for whatever reason I was still kind of obsessed until the end of the year. My suspicion is that he figured out I liked him (not that it was a mystery) and asked me out because he figured he might get some action? Then when he realized that wasn’t going to happen, he moved on.
Yep. I had a middle school crush on the same guy for all three years I was there, even though we never talked . Then, to celebrate us graduating from middle school, we all went to the local amusement park for the last day of school. My friends arranged for the two of us to ride on the sky-port, which was basically a ski lift that took us across the park. And the two of us didn’t say a word to each other the entire ride. I was over him after that.
I did see him at the gym a few months back, and my heart oddly started to pitter-patter. Never mind that I’ve been happily married for 7 years now, my old crush still made my heart skip a beat.
Oh yes…I had myself some crushes. I actually kind of miss that – the anticipation and silly giggly feeling when seeing someone. I don’t have those anymore, haven’t in years. I was awkward and shy in highschool, so I did not date till I was a senior.
Haha, yes, definitely. When I was in the 8th grade, I had it bad for a guy a year older than me. My algebra class was his homeroom, so he would stop in to use his locker before his lunch, and I got to see him every day. Of course this was also the era of boy bands, so every song was about him.
I still have crushes on random people. It’s fun to daydream about other lives that we could have lived. If I could change 2 things about my 13 year old self though it would be to not be so boy-crazy and to invest as much as I could convince my parents in apple stocks.
I so remember those days. I had a major crush on a guy beginning in the fifth grade. He was smart, a basketball player, funny and he didn’t know I exisited. Imagine my surprise when he asked me to our senior prom! I was almost hysterical with excitement and literally burst into tears when I told my BFF the news. The big night came and it was torture. The guy was boring, full of himself and delivered a sloppy goodnight kiss. At least I didn’t have to go through life wondering what he was like.
My favorite was this adorable kid a year ahead of me in HS, we did speak, and he was cute and funny and tall…sigh…also, it turns out later, as Gay as the day is long.
Yeah…I had this guy who I crushed on all through high school who I really didn’t talk to at all. He was in my science class my freshman year and in our seating chart I was put right behind him. We were also in the same lab group so I *sort of* interacted with him. He was very quiet and we didn’t talk about anything besides the stuff for our lab group. (Even that was a passing, “what did you get for question 5?” “32.2”) He was also tall, on the cross country and track teams (I was in the band and was in ALL the nerdy groups in high school), and in my defense, he was incredibly hot.
He started dating a girl in our junior year of high school and they were “that” couple who went to the same college to be together and spent literally every waking moment together. My friend who went to that same college actually said that even then they would literally be together ALL THE TIME, like any time she would see one, she would see the other. I’ve heard through the grapevine that they’re still together, 8 years later. Things would have never worked out between myself and him in high school but man was he hot! Haha.
Notice how I don’t know ANYTHING about him besides the fact that he was a runner and that he’s hot. Yikes. Why was I so infatuated with him??? Even though I teach kids so I still experience the high school drama, I don’t miss being that age at all.
I think I probably had a dozen crushes like that when I was a tween/teen. Some lasted for years. I was basically always crushing on someone at school. I either never approached them at all OR suddenly called them out of the blue trying to get a date (this was the time when there were only landlines so I called their homes). It never went well. I had absolutely no idea about subtly approaching someone. This only changed in my twenties. So funny to think about my socially inept teen self.
I had an embarassing middle-school type crush in college. He was this guy I worked with, and he was sort of flirtatious, but he was like that with everyone. Then, because it was college, we hooked up in what was the most disappointing sexual experience of my life. Then he moved to South America. So…that about did it.
I was going to marry all the following people at one point or another:
Brad Pitt
Mulder from the x-files
Jimmy Fallon
David Chokachi (Baywatch anyone?)
Chris Parnell (because really, Jimmy Fallon wasn’t going to happen since he is just TOO good looking – had to aim lower. It only lasted about 3 months.)
Jason Biggs
The Blue Power ranger )
I was never ever even interested in guys my own age until around 23. I know – lame.
I love that you picked Chris Parnell just to hedge your bets. Too funny!
Chris Kattan was third!
He’s a very little man. I could see the other two, but not him.
I forgot that I was going to also marry everyone from NSYNC at the same time and we would live in a large house and I would have many babies. Don’t ask where my mind was.
In college I used to actually think there was a chance Dave Matthews would randomly walk into my dorm room. I left the door open at all times, just in case.
I still have a crush on him and call him my boyfriend.
🙂
I was going to marry Fox Mulder. Not David Duchovny, but Fox Mulder. Because that works, right?
I love this thread! I hope all the under-18 readers and lurkers around here take good note at how much we all LAUGH at ourselves for how SILLY we were at your age to get all hung up on these crushes. Says the one who married her HS boyfriend but hey, I’m an exception, not a rule.
My crush story, in 8th grade we took a class trip to Washington DC by bus and my friend who was sitting next to me was teasing me about a guy on our bus who I had said was cute. I guess some girls behind us heard her teasing me and picked up on who the crush-ee was. At some point during the ride out there, there was a big hubbub in the rows behind me so I turned around to see what was going on. Mr. Crushee was changing his shirt and so, momentarily, topless. And because I chose that moment to turn around, and because the girls behind me knew of my crush, all went to hell. I was teased relentlessly for the rest of the trip, partially because of the social status gap between Me the Nerd and Him the Basketball Player. The other kids forced him to sit next to me, and when we were at sites in D.C. on tours and stuff, the group of girls who started it all literally tried to herd us toward each other. In the meantime my little 12-year-old brain got all tangled by the absurd amount of attention we were getting, and I started actually crushing on him and even got up the guts to ask him out at the FDR Memorial (lol) which of course crashed and burned. All of this in the course of, like, six days maybe??
So that’s the story of how an eighth-grade crush ruined my class trip to DC.
High school readers, heed our lessons: NOT WORTH IT!!!!
I married my high school boyfriend too. But, I can still laugh at myself about how silly I was back then.
LW3 – Just, wow. No. If someone says they aren’t interested in you, listen to them! And “popularity” is not an asset for dating someone. More often than not, the most popular guy in school is someone you don’t want to date because he’s probably an asshole. Don’t get entranced by someone’s popularity and overlook the way they treat you.
Cheating isn’t always a relationship killer… in fact it very rarely is actually, but you know what is? Drama, lack of growth, and lack of self awareness. Y’all aren’t ready for a grownup relationship and are more likely just incredibly used to and attached to one another. MOA.
Oh LW3. Study math and science. Trust me.
And Spanish! I wish I had taken learning a foreign language seriously. It could have totally come in handy.
I rarely ever comment, but I had to say bravo to the math & science advice. It worked for me!
I love how LW1 keeps justifying her actions by saying she was not getting enough attention but makes her boyfriend out to be such the bad guy. Hon, y’all are both at fault. Take a look at you and how you deal with relationship problems before you jump into the next one.
Wendy’s response to LW3 was my favorite! We all get so fixated on wondering/hoping that some guy likes us, when we should fixate on whether that some guy is someone we should like.
Aim higher, all of you!
Things I gathered from all of these letters: Some people really suck. Find people who don’t suck.
All LW: Respect yourself. Date men who will respect you as well.
LW1: Make sure you respect your partner too. “Not getting enough attention” isn’t an excuse to cheat. It’s a reason to change things, whether by breaking up or addressing the issue and actually handling it.
LW 3 – Be glad you are learning this lesson in school and not when you are older. Some people will act one way in person and another way when they aren’t with you. It’s not specific to romantic interests. Anyone who doesn’t consistently treat you with respect does not deserve any of your time or attention.
In college I met 3 guys. The first one was too cold (didn’t give me enough attention). The second one was too hot (smothered me). The third one was just right. We’ve been happily married for 25 years. (And yes, I have gold hair).
These letters truly dumbfound me. Why do people put up with so much to get so little in return?
When I first read the headline I was going to say – y’all are perfect for each other, carry on, but NO NO NO.
When LW #1 says she basically beat it out of her boyfriend… why do I get the sad impression that she literally physically hit him repeatedly to learn “the truth”? Sounds like a god-awful relationship, sleeping together after cheating, no clear resolutions to anything… she should MOA and try to figure out why her neediness results in her acting with no dignity or self-respect towards herself or others.
WWS! Especially for LW2.
seriously! do people actually think that is an endearing quality? that its “cute”? that it means he “really loves you”? i dont understand why people would accept such shitty treatment…
Haha, if Wendy ever gets another letter that starts that way she should just cut it off.
“Dear Wendy,
My controlling boyfriend –”
Wendy: Nope.
NEW RULE!!
take notice, LWs.
What’s with the theme this week of dudes “following” girls?? That’s such bizarre word choice.
Twitter, maybe? (Which would make the total drama surrounding it even more hilarious.)
Twitter or Instagram. My family owns a dance studio and I’ve had to get on Instragram for promotion purposes. All of the teenage girls on there are hilarious.
Right? When I read “following” I think “stalking”. Perhaps that’s because I’m reading “The Gift of Fear” right now and my senses are on high alert.
Yeah, to me they weren’t worded like social media following…creepy.
LW2 – Controlling and insecure boyfriend of ONE month?!?!?! NO!!!!!! FYI, controlling in particular is a BAD QUALITY IN A PERSON. You figured that out after a single solitary month. MAKE HIM GO AWAY. FFS.
For serious. If you would call him “controlling and insecure” then you should already know the answer. MOA.
Ah, yes. Facepalm Friday again.
sigh
At this point my palm is permanently adhered to my face.
A whole new meaning to the expression “that’ll leave a mark”!
Wendy, you brighten my Fridays. Or these silly people do. Oh wow. Once again, so happy I do not have the time to date.
LW1, Two wrongs don’t make a right. MOA.
LW2, You’re controlling BF you haven’t heard from in 2 weeks has moved on, you should too.
LW3, Go do some homework and stop messing around with boys.
LW3 – Unless a guy tells you himself that he likes you, he doesn’t like you. Never believe gossip. Ever. It will save you a LOT of time and heartbreak.
LW2 – WWS. Seriously. This guy was a major jerk. And I’m being as nice as I possibly can be about this (since I know there is probably a minor reading this). After 5 years, my SO still doesn’t touch my phone without permission, doesn’t go into my purse without permission, and certainly doesn’t bat an eye if I talk to a guy. If he had a month into our relationship, we wouldn’t have gotten far. *snort* Within the first few weeks he’d seen multiple people (of both sexes) bury their faces into my chest in public as a greeting.
LW1 – You both cheated because neither of you were getting what you needed from your relationship. Since you weren’t getting it, why bother staying? Because of the length of time? Honey, nobody has even mentioned a long-term committment. Move the fuck on. You’re wasting each other’s time.
Burying their faces into your chest? I’m curious about the logistics here – Are you over 6 ft tall? I’m short and only have one female friend who’s taller, and I make sure to avoid face-boob contact while hugging!
BTW, always love your advice 🙂
Knowing AKChic, I’m quite certain it was all on purpose.
I’m 5’3″ tall.
Very much on purpose. When your chest size (at the time) is a 34E-G (depending on factors), people tend to want to snuggle up.
LW1: I mean… yeah I guess it could be saved. If you both actually talk to each other when there’s problems instead of cheating on each other. But why would you want to save it? You don’t sound happy, he doesn’t sound happy. So move on, go be happier.
LW2: Yep. Controlling/insecure = DTMFA
LW3: Aw.. I’m feeling all nostalgic now. I can’t even count the number of people I had crushes on who I had never even spoken to, or who had never even looked at me. Maybe he does like you, or maybe he’s just trying to mess with you because being able to twist you around gives him an ego boost. Either way, the guy sounds like a jerk. Or maybe you’re a jerk because you like him but told him repeatedly that you don’t. Who knows? But there are other guys to develop crushes on, not to mention so many other more worthwhile pursuits. Go read a book.
By the way, the communication between LW3 and this guy sounds like my first “boyfriend” back in 9th grade. Only replace “facebook” with “AOL Instant Messenger.”
Don’t trust some boy who calls you babe but only when his friends aren’t around.
These letters, what the actual fuck?
Face palm Friday. How apt.
WWS, for real.
LW 1: If you feel like you have the right to “beat” information out of someone (and no I don’t care if you mean a verbal rather than a physical barrage), you are being abusive. Instead of trying to salvage a dying relationship, go to fucking counseling and learn to be a better partner.
LW 2: WWS
LW 3: Well what do you want? You told the dude you didn’t want anything from him, so why are you writing in? If you want him to leave you alone because he’s making you uncomfortable, tell him to leave you alone. If you were just playing games with him, learn to not play games and ask for what you want honestly. And then decide whether you’re okay with what they’ll give you.
I am LW3. I confessed to him yesterday!!!