I texted my ex to say, “I’m not ashamed to say I miss you.” He responded with, “I’ll call you.” When he called, he said he was at a loss for words, and then he asked how I was and talked about his plans for the day. He said he’d call back and he did. Then, we met up. It had been a month since we saw one another. He picked me up, we went to his house, and…yes, “it” happened. As he was bringing me home the next morning, he got two calls he wouldn’t answer. Within four hours after dropping me off, he called to ask about the next time I would come over. Since then, he calls three times a week — sometimes twice in one day — asking me what I’m doing. What is he really saying? — Not Ashamed
He’s saying he would like to continue having no-strings-attached sex with you.
I am 21 years old and I live at home with my grandparents, father and aunt who are old-fashioned and always in my business. They help me a lot and so I always feel like I owe them explanations for everything I’m doing and it irritates me when they try to tell me when and how to do things. Long story short, I want to go on vacation this summer with my boyfriend of almost four years, but I’m afraid of the comments and assumptions I’ll get from my family and it slightly turns me off on the vacation idea. But I realize that that’s silly and I can’t not do things because of them! Help! How do I tell them about the vacation?! — Afraid of Comments
If your family “helps” you a lot (i.e. pays your bills, lets you live with them rent-free, etc.), you probably DO owe them some explanations. If that is too irritating, move out and pay your own way. You’ll soon learn that is also irritating. If you’re not ready for the irritation of being financially independent, suck it up and ask for permission to go on vacation with your boyfriend. If, at 21, you think you’re too old to have to ask permission for something like that, then maybe you’re too old to be financially dependent. Cake, eating it too, etc.
I recently got back into the dating game after opting to not date for several years. I met this guy named Bill who is intelligent, thoughtful, nice and is very into me. I enjoy his company, but I am not physically attracted to him. How can I nicely let him know he is more of a friend than a boyfriend when he is obviously into me? We’ve been on three dates thus far and I don’t want to get in any deeper. — Not So Into It
I would shoot him a quick email — the sooner the better — and say that you’ve really enjoyed your time with him and getting to know each other, but you’ve realized now after three dates that you feel more of a friend vibe with him than a romantic spark and you don’t think any more dates will change that for you. He’ll probably feel a little rejected and hurt, but it’s not like after just three dates he won’t be able to move on pretty quickly. The key is to stay simple in your message and not gush or go on and on about what a great guy he is or you’ll just sound condescending.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Oh my gosh, LOVE Wendy’s responses to LW’s 1 and 2. Seriously. So funny.
I also agree with Wendy on number 3. LW 3, I usually send a simple text if I think a guy is nice, or even if I don’t, and just let him know I’m not interested. I think it’s sooooo much nicer than the fade. And it’s good karma.
Although, I’m pretty sure the kid pulled the fade on me. A hole. I guess I could have said something. But I didn’t. And now I won’t.
LW1: Here’s a test. When the new “Endless Love” comes out, ask him if he’d like to see it with you. If he won’t sit through a vapid girl movie with you, then, yup, WWS. Not like there’s much doubt.
LW2: Yeah, my solution was to pay my own way and go on “vacations” whenever I wanted. You know, like my 30s and 40s.
LW3: Be considerate of the guy’s feelings. Just move on. He can’t be your friend right now, because he’s into you and thinks he’s dating you. He’ll just want to pretend to be your friend in case he can talk you around, then eventually give up in despair.
I know you’re probably joking on LW1, but that’s kind of genius! You can also replace “girl movie” with other things guys generally don’t like to do.
Responses 1 & 2 are hysterical (and SO true) Wendy!! Just the amount of snark I needed today!
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I got in a f-ing car accident last night and I’m SO beyond annoyed/pissed. It’s “technically” my fault which makes the whole thing 110% more annoying. Fucking pizza delivery guy. UGH. (everyone/everything is fine, just some car damage but UGH) So thanks for the laugh Wendy.
Also, are we still playing the drinking game? Can I drink if I intentionally said my own thing? I need a drink.
Sorry 🙁 What happened? Is the car still driveable?
boo! Sorry GG.
LW1: Oh, come on. You really didn’t think that texting him, getting in his car, and going back to his house would lead to “it” (which I’m assuming is sex, not a game of Parcheesi)? And then wonder what it is he wants? Please.
LW2: WWS. Pick one. You can’t have it both ways.
LW3: WWS, again. 3 dates in a kind, quick, email is good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you think “it” means sex?!
Ooooh “it”! Okay, back to reading.
“Cake, eating it too, etc.” Brilliant!
Move out, 20 somethings! Seriously, your freedom is out there for the taking! Yes, you may starve (I’ve never been as skinny as I was at 19) but those memories and knowing that you can do it are worth so much more than the crappy casserole someone else made for you.
LW2: you say you are afraid of the “comments and assumptions” if you go on vacation with your boyfriend. Is that it ? If you ask your family “can I go on vacation with my boyfriend” and they say yes, then that’s it ! if they say no, then you also have to accept that. But if they say yes and your problem is about “what will they say behind my back ?” then stop making a huge deal out of it. Your family can have its opinion about those “vacations” but you’re also old enough to have your own opinion about your actions.
Part of me feels like you don’t want to go on vacation with your boyfriend because your family will think you’re having sex with him. And I’m thinking “really ? You’re 21 years old and you won’t go on a vacation because your folks might *think* you’re having sex with a guy ?” Let them think what they want. If they allow you to go, then just go.
Aw LW2, I feel for you. You are in a transition stage, and it’s hard to learn how to relate to your family as you become an adult. Contrary to everyone’s advice here, I don’t think that the fact that you live with your family and they help you out gives them the right to dictate the terms of your life. This is where you learn to be an adult and own your decisions, so just tell them what you’d like to do this summer and listen to their concerns. If it comes down to “if you go on that vacation then you’re out of the house,” then you will have a hard decision to make, but otherwise, really listen to why they don’t want you to go. There are so many things my parents knew better than I, and I was just too stubborn to see past the WAY they said it into WHY they said it.
I’ll give you a personal example. My parents were *gasp* supporting me when I first started medical school so that I wouldn’t have to pay an exorbitant interest rate on a loan, and I wanted to move in with my then-boyfriend (now husband). In my culture, that is NOT done, my dad was VERY against it, and he was the one giving me rent money. I listened to his concerns, shared my reasons for doing it, and in the end we still didn’t agree. I went ahead and moved in with my boyfriend, and the sky didn’t fall. They still helped me pay my rent, because my parents don’t believe in using money punitively. The point is, I hate when my dad is disappointed in me, but you have to learn when your decisions are worth facing that disappointment. If it’s not worth it, then maybe that tells you how important this is in the grand scheme of things. FWIW, I probably wouldn’t have thought a vacation during the summer was worth it.
LW 1: Yeah, “What are you doing?” texts are learned in Booty Call 101.
LW 2: I disagree with how Wendy’s characterized the problem. I’m financially independent and my mother still manages to be both nosy and judgmental, because, she’s still living with me. So I agree with the solution. Whether or not you are living with your family, they will make comments and judgments about what you’re doing. So if you don’t want to hear them, or at least control when that is, you need to not live with your family.
OR you could be really mature and tell them you’re going on vacation alone, not with your boyfriend of course, who is completely coincidentally going to the same exact place and hotel (maybe there was a great deal!), and due to some completely unforeseen hotel error, you two ended up in the same room, which couldn’t be fixed for the duration of your stay.
LW1:
what your text said: “I”m not ashamed to say I miss you.”
what he read: “I’m not ashamed to say I miss the dick.”
LW2: Most kids whose families can afford to support them do stay financially dependent through ages 21 or 22, if they go to college. I don’t think there’s any shame in it. Nor is there any reason you SHOULD owe them input into every little decision you make at the age of 21 — you’re an adult whether you’re supporting yourself or not. If they’re helping you financially, they should be able to voice objections if you want to go on a lavish vacation instead of paying them back for stuff, but other than that… no. But of course, they’re not the ones asking for advice… you are! And you have to deal with the parents you got.
If they make “comments and assumptions” of the form of guilting you for having a boyfriend/having sex/”appearing” to have sex (yeah, I have a friend whose parents pitched a shitfit when she went on a vacation with her boyfriend because they weren’t married and it would “look” bad…crazypants)… well, that’s creepy and they shouldn’t do that. But it seems like a good opportunity to practice that independence they don’t want to give you. Fuck the comments and assumptions — who cares? If you’re doing what you think is the right thing, go ahead and do it and try not to let their disapproval bother you as much as it apparently has in the past. (Again, unless they are asking you to pay them back/support yourself and you’re spending the money on a vacation instead — that would be a fair thing for them to ask.)
Basically in my opinion, parents/relatives shouldn’t let their financial support be a tool to have power over their kids, BUT as the recipient of a gift, you shouldn’t take it if it makes you afraid to live your own life, because then you are signing away your own autonomy. If you can’t accept their help without feeling obligated to live your life according to their values, then maybe you *should* move out.
(Of course, if they’re helping you, hopefully you’re helping out around the house–paying rent if you can, doing chores, etc. But you sound like the kind of person who already knows & does that.)
Eh, I disagree LW2 needs to ask permission to go on vacation, if she’s paying for it herself. Does she need to ask permission about things that would happen under aunt and uncle’s roof? Yep. Would she need to ask permission if she was going to ask them to pay for it? Yep. But she’s a grownup, and if she isn’t asking them to chip in, they really have no right to control her behavior outside their home.
Is it the wisest thing to go on vacation when she can’t afford to move out yet. Eh, maybe not, but it’s her money (or her boyfriends money) to spend.
LW, I say go on that vacation and deal with whatever assumptions or comments come your way. Part of being grownup is making your own choices. If you’re worried about more serious consequences, like them kicking you out, save your money instead so you can move out as soon as possible. To control the behavior of an adult outside of your home is super inappropriate IMO, and you need to get the heck out of there. It’s one thing to say, no premarital sex under my roof, and another to say no premarital sex anywhere. You’re a grownup, they don’t get to dictate what you do everywhere.
L
I disagree that it’s okay to every monitor the behavior of an adult outside the walls of your home, but I recognize that realistically, if her aunt and uncle feel that they do have that right, the LW can’t just up and say “Nope not accepting these rules”
And expect to contiune to live there. Her aunt and uncle can ask her to leave, whatever the reason.
However, if her living there is contingent upon them being allowed to dictate her behavior outside the home, that’s a bad deal and not worth the financial help, and she needs to move out. It’s just not okay.
@lbh. We don’t know the extent of their financial support, whether or not she’s currently working to save up, how expensive this trip is (maybe it’s just a weekend camping trip?) or if the bf wants to pay her way, or the terms of her setup with the family. Is she supposed to pay them back? Do they just give her somewhere to live at a reduced rent?
If she is working and bring in an income, I don’t think it’s fair to say, well you made x dollars, but we paid y dollars for you to live here, so unless we get that back all of your money is ours (unless they previously established at the outset that this was the case). If she has any sort of income, or savings, and there isn’t a repayment plan in place, it’s not cool for them to claim that as their money as a play to control her fiscal decisions (and general behavior).
I do agree that whether or not I agree with their reasoning, it’s their home, and if this vacation could result in her getting kicked out and she literally can’t support herself yet, tough luck kid. And if this vacation isn’t cheap, well that’s kind of dumb to spend that money when it could be used to become independent, that’s a foolish use of that money.
But I do want to note, there’s a wide gulf between being on your own totally financially and totally living off family. She could be paying some amount of rent, she could be chipping on for bills/groceries, she could be contributing in non monetary ways like taking on a big chunk of house work or cooking.
So just because someone requires some amount of help doesn’t mean that they are signing away the or autunomy, or that money they are able to bring isn’t theirs.
re: LW2- guys, she never even *mentioned* money. never. this isnt about money. this is about her family who is always up in her business.
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LW2, if you want to take the vacation, take it. tell you family why and be happy and excited and hopefully they will be too. if they are assholes and pull any crap that there is to pull, file that away in your memory bank, i wouldnt take the vacation, and instead use all that righteous anger to save up and move out. but regardless of this whole vacation issue, i am very sorry you have a family who is so up your ass about your life. i actually hope that makes you angry just by itself, and you will move out sooner rather then later and be rid of them that way.
Oh god damnit, I was in a meeting all day (what is my life??) & I missed this whole sort-of relevant to me debate about going on vacation while living with your parents!! I’m going away for a weekend with Fabello Valentine’s weekend, & I actually debated with MYSELF whether or not that was a financially sound idea? (I’m paying for the hotel stay, he’ll probably pay for whatever dinners we eat out, because we’re going to literally the exact same place as we did a couple years ago, & he fronted the cost of that entire trip, so I’m sort of making it more even now by paying. BUT ANYWAY)
My parents “allow” me to live rent-free at their house… but I pay my own (personal) bills? I could afford to move out, I suppose, SOMEWHERE, but right now that’s not in the cards because I’ve chosen to wait until the end of the (school) year to see whether my boyfriend gets tenured at his job? (In which case, we’ll know he’ll be in x area for a long time, & we can decide to move somewhere without fear he’ll be fired) So… what do you guys think? (no, I’m really asking)
Okay LW2, because your situation was taken the wrong way, let’s start over. My advice on communicating is to just tell your dad where you’re going and when you’ll be gone. Give him your itinerary so he knows you’re safe. Don’t ask permission, because you don’t need it. It sounds like he didn’t protest when you mentioned a vacation over text anyway, so just be as matter off fact as possible about your plans. Your dad can tell your grandparents, or you can mention it to them offhandedly too, whichever makes more sense to your family structure.
What Wendy Said for LW1 and LW3.