It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
Why does my boyfriend refuse to tell me about any of his ex-girlfriends? I don’t need to know deep, secretive information. I’m just curious about how they ended, idiosyncrasies that drove him crazy, what he learned from them… anything! We’ve been dating for a year and four months and it’s definitely a serious relationship. However, every time I’ve asked any question about his previous relationships, he tells me that it’s inappropriate to talk about them. Do you think he is ashamed of them? Do you think that once a relationship is over, he forgets all about them? I don’t want to be in love with a man who keeps things from me for fear of being uncomfortable. I’ve honestly told him everything I believe he needs to know about my previous relationships. I’m worried that I’m too trusting of him. — Ex-Communicated
It sounds like you have something in common: you both have told each other everything you believe the other needs to know about your previous relationships. Now, drop the obsession with the past and start focusing on your current relationship before you have another ex to add to the list.
I have been with my significant other for close to 20 years. Long story short, we broke up a few years back. He called me one and a half years later and said he would like to start seeing me again. So we started dating — and then he changed jobs, moving from Portland, Oregon to Maui, Hawaii. He wanted me to come with him. We have lived together now for two years. He asked me to sell his truck for him and said I could use his cell phone to take pictures and post them on Craigslist. While I was looking at his photo gallery, I ran across a picture of a younger lady. He had taken it from his work truck and she was walking away from him. All I could see was the back of her in a short black dress and her long blonde hair. When I asked him about it, he said, “What? Let me see!” Then he deleted it and didn’t answer my question. I asked: “Who is that lady walking away from your truck?” He wouldn’t answer me, so I asked him if he has a girlfriend and if I need to move out. He still won’t answer me and just ignores me like I haven’t even said anything. What is your answer for me? — Truck Stop Love
Sell the car, keep the money, quit the boyfriend, stay in Hawaii (because, why not?).
My boyfriend and I are in high school, and we have been dating one year and four months. We have had a great relationship and we were very close, but about a month ago he started MMA fighting/training with his friend. He’s trying to lose weight and learn how to fight, but ever since he started this he’s changed. He’s more into his friends and isn’t spending much time with me because he is always at training. We’ve seemed to have grown apart, and his new friends don’t seem to like me and tell him we should break up. He had good friends that accepted me, but he’s kind of pushed them away too. I really love this guy, but I feel we are falling apart and he’s losing interest and his friends are changing him. He knows I don’t like that he does training and that I’m fine with his weight. But I don’t know what to do or what to say to bring us close again. Should I give up? What do you think I should do? — Fighting for Our Love
If you haven’t already, start spending more quality time with your own friends and develop hobbies you can enjoy when your boyfriend is busy training. That way, if you continue drifting apart, you’ll have your own life and a circle of friends to support you.
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LW1, i do think its odd that he wont tell you stuff.. but im a very open person and i would freely tell things like that, and then also i usually surround myself with very open people as well. maybe you two are just different in that way? i dont actually think its a bad thing, but just odd. this might be one of those things you just have to let go. i had to do that with my boyfriends email password…
LW3, your in *high school*– let him go off and do the stuff he likes. you should be doing the same thing. also, probably the one and only thing that is going to happen in your life in the next, say… 6-12 years, depending on how old you are now, is that people are going to change. you are in the prime time for people to be growing and changing. so if it happens, let it happen.
Good answers on all 3.
LW1 I don’t really understand having an issue with not hearing about your boyfriend’s exes. Other than from knowing my SO’s exes when they were dating and he and I were just friends, I really don’t know much about them, nor do I care. If you are just afraid he no longer cares about them, then isn’t that the point. They aren’t together anymore, why should he care?
LW2 If I asked my SO what he had for lunch and he flat out ignored me or refused to tell me, I would probably MOA. Not bc I care what he had for lunch, but because its rude and bizarre to say the least to ignore me or refuse to tell me something.
For LW1, I actually think it’s pretty odd that he won’t say ~anything~ about his ex-girlfriends besides, “it’s inappropriate to discuss.” I mean, I’m open with partners about my past, so maybe that’s why I’m side-eyeing this? But still…I’m thinking he’s either private to the point of being neurotic about it, OR there’s something about his past relationships he doesn’t want you to know? It’s been almost a year and a half though, so LW needs to figure out how much this really bothers her.
LW2: Haha. WWS. Even if it’s just some random woman, well, then he’s taking creepshots of random women & that’s not good? And his reaction was wack.
LW3: jeez, you’re in high school. He’s finding out what interests him and experimenting with a new hobby/possibly persona. That’s pretty normal at that age. Why don’t you do the same, so you’re not hung up on this guy all the time? I understand your distress, I really do, but if you distract yourself, he’ll get to indulge in his new obsession & new friends, AND maybe you’ll find out something about yourself as well?
I thought it was creepshots too!
Me three! I bet he was totally awkward because he couldn’t think of a way to explain it. I feel like if he was cheating, he would already have a half-life planned? Either way, whether it was a creep shot or he was cheating on me, I think I would have to be out.
WWS for all three, especially LW2. Love it Wendy!
The one liner to LW2 was BAD advise Wendy dear. Specifically “sell the car and keep the money”. DON’T DO IT! The car is his property, a lawyer would advise her that keeping the money is theft thereby doing so is criminal and would be grounds for civil action. A FAR better course of action would be to send him the keys, drop him like a hot coal and MOA. What were you thinking Wendy?
It was tongue-in-cheek, Eddie!
LW1 What do you really need to know about past relationships? I never told current boyfriends about exes. What did it have to do with them? Judge your boyfriend on how he treats you – not on what he may or may not have done in the past with people you don’t even know.
LW2 It sounded like he took a random shot of a sexy girl on the street from his phone…the bigger sin is ignoring you and not even telling you it was a joke or a lapse of judgement or a dare from his friend or whatever the hell motivated him and then brushing off your other questions about your relationship. He isn’t relationship material. Give him back his phone and his truck and find someone who is capable of being honest with you. Because if he can’t be honest over small things – the big things aren’t going to work out well for you.
LW3 There is nothing you can do to make someone else act a certain way – you can’t fix a relationship by yourself and you can’t make your boyfriend into the older version of himself. If he no longer treats you the way you want to be treated – then tell him – and if nothing changes then find someone else. It doesn’t feel like it at your age but life is way too short to put up with slackness.
ITA on LW1. Whenever I’m seeing someone, aside from a quick “so why did your last relationship end?” “oh we grew apart/wanted different things/whatever” conversation, I really have no desire to think about my BF with another girl and know all the ins and outs of their relationship. Just let it go!
What happened to trainwreck Friday? These LWs are far to sane.
They are! I didn’t roll my eyes at any of them. Well, maybe LW1 and LW2. LW3 I just feel for because she’s in high school and still figuring stuff out. It’s often hard to navigate feelings at that age.
I rolled my eyes at LW1 because, really? I don’t understand the point of rehashing the past. I just don’t. And LW2 is kind of a wow. He not answering her questions about the pictures makes the boyfriend seem like a creep.
Yeah, I just kind of rolled my eyes at all of them. I need some crazy today! Some toothless groomsmen or baby mama drama!!
LW1 seems a little unhinged. How much do you really need to know about an ex?? They broke up! It’s over!
Crazy is always a fun read.
Speaking of, Gillian Flynn’s book are effing crazy. I know most people have read Gone Girl. But one of her others – Sharp Objects – is disturbing. Very disturbing. If you want crazy, read it.
Oh my god I became obsessed with Gone Girl and so read her others straight away. I love her. So creepy.
I still need to read the third. I’m waiting for my friend to finish it on her kindle.
My favourite was still Gone Girl though. Amy is so cracked out, I love it.
I’m oddly interested in my husband’s x. He only seriously dated one person before me and they were together for a few years, and for some reason I’m very curious about her. He’s mentioned her cat more than he’s actually mentioned her. One of his friends once told me that no one in their group liked her, which intrigues me even more!! But he doesn’t ever talk about her… It’s weird to me that you can spend 3-4 years with someone and then they’re suddenly gone from your life, like it never happened!
My fiance loves his ex’s cat. Haha.
My deep thought for the day (so far): LW1 and LW3 are the same person! What are the odds that TWO letter writers hit the “one year and four month” point in their relationships and BOTH write to Wendy, eh? EH?! Maybe that is not a very deep thought but a) I’m right, and b) the day is still young!
(psst, its F R I D A Y!!!) (psst psst, Sunday is the greatest day of the year!)
Sunday is when my friends and I are starting our “Biggest Loser” competition, for 10 weeks until Napa. There is money on the table, and I am going to WIN IT ALL – MWAHAHAHA! (I get so damn competitive.) Also, SPD! which Chicago is celebrating on Saturday – green river, horray!
I get crazy competitive too. Used to think it was a good thing, but when I threatened to break a child’s thumbs over losing thumb war, I realized its not always a good thing.
I’ve got two parades this weekend to go to. Lots of green stuff to eat and drink and some all green outfits lined up. Can’t wait!
I kind of …. hate SPD. (I know!) It just gets to NUTS downtown. And there are lines everywhere. And I hate beer. And it’s always chillier than you think. And …. I’m just too old for it, I guess.
blasphemy!
I appreciate the spirit of the day! (<— did that save me?)
i was thinking about going downtown this weekend to take part, but im like you! ill probably hate it!! lol
I dislike St. Patricks Day too. Only good thing is drinking copious amounts of green beer.
What is wrong with you people? One day, you think you know someone and then the next day they come out with some crap about not liking St. Patrick’s Day.
Well, in my defense for the past 6 years I’ve had super shitty St. Pattys. One invovled a whip cream fight, which was super fun at the time- but stunk like hell for weeks after while smeared in my carpet. The next year my now fiance flat out ignored me at a bar. Then while we were long distance 2 years in a row he got black out drunk and barfed and never let me know he was alive so I spent the whole night panicing. And then last year we went to Disney- which was the dumest idea ever. So yea…I’ve never really had a good experience with St Patrick’s Day.
How could Disney have sucked? I didn’t think that was possible either!
How could Disney *not* have sucked?!
In all seriousness- I strongly dislike Disney and Orlando. We went to go on a drinking bender in a place over run with children and inflated prices…what were we thinking?? It is not fun to try and do car bombs while children are running around your feet.
And the only good things about Orlando are Ikea, Wawa’s and the J Crew outlet. Otherwise the town sucks and has too many tolls.
I need some new DW friends clearly. You guys are wackedy wack.
Well, I just don’t get why you’d want to spend all that money on going to Disney would you could spent it on…. anything else, you know what I mean? 😉
I hate Disney, too. I didn’t even like it when I went as a child!
(I do approve of your use of “wackedly wack” though, LBH)
I freaking LOVE St. Pattys. You are not alone.
Disney sucks balls.
I’m dumping the rest of you for iseeshiny. Isee, will you have me? 🙂
I’ve been here for four St. Pat’s days and I still have watched them dye the river green. I hate how crazy it gets. I will go to bars and drink though.
I’m not into St Patrick’s Day at all. I mean, in college, sure. But at this point, I’m over it.
Haha that is what happened to me here in Boston, they go absolutely nuts for it in Southie, and it was awesome 10 years ago, but now I would probably want to kill somebody if I went in there this weekend. There is also an extra holiday on the 17th here in Boston called evacuation day, and when it lands on a week day most of the businesses in the City have the day off. They do the same thing for Patriots day which is absolutely awesome as well.
We were friends with a couple where the husband joined a biggest loser group at work. All the executives did it together. He lost a bunch of weight, found a girlfriend and dumped his wife. He sucked big time.
Addie, don’t leave your wife if you win the biggest loser!
You’re funny!
He’s the only person I’ve known who joined a biggest loser group and they all put in money that the winner would get, just like Addie’s group, and so I automatically think of him everytime I hear about a group like this.
My goal with this competition is to win the money of course but also to become “the hot one” in my group of friends. I’m tired of being the one with the personality, goddamnit! ha.
I don’t believe that your not the hot one.
Oh go on, you.
I seem to remember other LWs also at the same point. Maybe there is a 16-month itch.
I just learned what Godwin’s Law is thanks to your comment. I’d never heard of that, pretty weird!
I just Googled it – had never heard of it!
I had never heard of it- but it seems so true!! Everyone always goes there to be extreme!
Me too. I had to look it up. I love the internet.
I wish it existed when I was in school. It would have made plagiarizing so much easier – and cheaper! Instead, I had to fork over like $6 for those fucking Cliff Notes!
Memetices is a cool study.
There are some people who believe it is inappropriate to talk about past exes. They may do it as a sign of respect, or because they aren’t into sharing that much. I don’t talk much about them. They’re in the past, why should I? If someone asks a direct question, I might, depending on what they want to know. I kind of like it. The last thing I’d want to do is spend all my time talking about exes. Live in the present. The exception to this is if I was dating someone who’d been married before and I was thinking about marrying him, I would want to know why the marriage ended. But I don’t need to know why every relationship he’s ever been in ended. If he’s a jerk, that will make itself evident in due time.
LW1: What stands out is this: “I’m worried that I’m too trusting of him.” Everything else on the back burner for the moment, why do you think that?
In my mind, there’s one of two things going on here. One, your intuition is informing you that there IS something to mistrust, and your paranoia about his ex-girlfriends is being fed by the fact that you know, on some higher level, that he’s not 100% trustworthy. Or two, you have a lot of fear-based insecurities that are leading you to sabotage your relationship with someone who is already trustworthy. I think if you allow yourself to think about it, you’ll know which one this is.
If it’s the first, you can wait around until you get definitive proof of what your intuition already knows, or you can MOA now. And if it’s the second, it’s time to start exploring your own insecurities and fears and knocking down some emotional obstacles that are standing in the way of your confidence and self-assuredness.
WRRS. I agree about the 2 possibilities of what’s going on with this LW.
I completely disagree with part of the response for LW2. When I was in the midst of my breakup, I sold my ex’s truck for him and many people here told me I should keep the money but I didn’t because that would be wrong. I did get the nice commission we had agreed upon and that was enough for me. I walked away with some cash and my morals intact, which is worth far more than money can buy IMO. No matter if he is cheating or if he just randomly took a pic of a hot blonde, it doesn’t justify stealing from him. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Either tell him to sell the car himself or tell him you’ll help him sell it if he gives you at least 10% commission. Almost a year later, I’m still glad I took the high road and honored our agreement.
I think Wendy might have just been flippant saying sell the truck and keep the money. But I agree with you – except I would skip the commission part – just wash your hands of him completely. He isn’t trustworthy and as a rule – don’t ever do business with people not trustworthy…it can bite you in the ass.
LW1, I love hearing about my boyfriend’s exes, too. I want to know what they were like, why they broke up, what annoyed him (I don’t really want to hear good stuff, though, haha). I think I want all this info because it gives me a more complete picture of who he is or was, what he did before, etc. It makes me feel closer to him, in the same way that dishing with my girlfriends about our boy problems does.
But for him, it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t make him feel closer to me to share all that info, and he doesn’t really want to hear about my exes, either. So I have had to accept that and just let it go. He knows I”m interested in whatever he wants to tell me. Occasionally he’ll say something about an ex, and even if it’s just something small, I ask a casual follow-up question and then I’ll let it go. If you back off and are content, he might open up a bit more. But no one likes to be nagged for info.
The thing I would want to know about a partner’s exs is what they learned. What red flags were there, what was the dealbreaker. How have they grown beyond where they were.
This is my thing, too. People’s relationships tell you a lot about a person, especially if they were long-term. And not only that, the way they speak about an ex says volumes too.
And aside from that, like MJ said above— to me it’s just part of getting to know someone better? Obviously, others feel differently, but I understand why the LW would be bothered by this guy’s apparent refusal to talk.
LW1…this is just my opinion but i hate when i’m dating someone and they want to know about every ex and how many people i have been with…and how do you know that the person is even telling the whole truth with regards to this….i can see it from a safe sex standpoint, but you should have safe sex anyways regardless of whether the person has been with one person or a thousand…i just feel like people can judge you when you could be a good person and just happen to have had 25 previous relationships, or a totally crap person but only been in one relationship (and obviously vise versa)…why bring up the past when it will have absolutely no impact on the present and future of your relationship? (just how i feel)
I’m with you, LW1. You can’t nag for info, so that’s bad, but saying “that’s inappropriate to discuss” is just a bit weird and even a little controlling to me. It’s like saying a person you’re dating has no right to know things about you that make you who you are. But I’ve had bad experiences with dating someone super private — he ended up being controlling about what information I could share about my relationship with him to my friends, slept with another woman while we were dating and wouldn’t tell me who she was, and glared at me if I even casually came within view of his phone — and I’m sure not every extremely private person is going to be like that. Still, I think you should maybe try to figure out if there are other things that your boyfriend is going to want to shut you out of — his family life, health information, etc. — or if this is just an idiosyncrasy. If you’re generally open and he’s generally closed off, you may end up feeling this way a lot more often than just when you’re curious about his romantic history.
One my my bf’s exes was a narcoleptic, so once that came out there was no stopping my torrent of curious questions. I’m kind of like LW1 (maybe) in that I am just insanely curious about relationships, people, behavior, and (as someone mentioned above) I feel like this gives me a more complete picture of who this person I am dating is and how they have grown as a person. I’m not anxious about it, or insecure. More like I am just curious about how his personality has meshed up with other people’s personalities.
As long as I am the hottest one. Duh.
Sorta related to LW1. I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and I haven’t told him that I recently got out of a long term relationship. At first I didn’t say anything because I didn’t expect it to go anywhere so why the heck would I tell him about my past relationships? But now we text and holy 1990s we *talk on the phone* too, and we’re going to museums and spending Friday nights making brownies and watching Bill Maher together and he’s really smart, and nice, and I like him. Oops. How did I let that happen? Goddamnit. Anyway. I feel like I have to tell him about my ex, but I don’t want it to be weird. What to do… what to do…
PS I am shamelessly threadjacking. 🙂
Why do you feel like you have to say anything? I mean, I get if he asks, but even then you could say no. Also, I don’t remember you saying anything horrible about your ex, so what’s the big deal?
ps Super happy for you like liking someone 🙂
Thanks. 🙂
I guess I just feel like it’s something that will come out sooner or later, and I don’t want to make a big deal about it at the same time. I’ve told him a lot about my friends and family and stories about my past- your standard getting to know each other stuff. I’m generally very open so I feel like eventually he’d be wondering why I never said anything. We’re not FB friends yet, but if it keeps going we will be, and BOOM my ex is in like every photo from the last 7 years of my life.
I was gonna try to find a way to slip it into conversation tonight…
It will probably just happen in a natural way, in a conversation where it is relevant to something the two of your are talking about. Where you end up saying, oh my ex did that or believed that or used to say something like that. Where you say we ended up breaking up because …
I think you should casually mention it, yeah. Especially if you’re open about all other stuff— BUT! I can see why you held off (didn’t you have some fling or something where the guy knew all about your ex & it wound up becoming some kind of thing? like, for you? An emotional “ahh, I’m not over him!” thing?)
So bring it up, but I’d advise not getting into any messy details. Just give him enough of a heads-up so he won’t be like, “Wait…who is this guy?” whenever you become FB friends 🙂 haha
Yah. I called someone (an acquaintance who met my ex a few times when we were together) my ex’s name in bed just before Christmas. It was AWKWARD CITY. Lol. But it coincided with me moving the rest of my shit out of the apartment I shared with my ex, so I was just having a moment. I came to my senses pretty quickly. Lol.
My ex and I are on great terms now. We even talk about dating and sex, which is surprisingly not weird and kind of cool. He’s kinda seeing someone too. He’s a good dude and I wish him the best. We just did not work as a couple. We are different people from who we were in college blah blah blah.
And I’m an open person, but I wouldn’t tell New Guy all the details. Oof- no desire to go over all that crap again- how exhausting! I’ll probably keep it to, “We grew apart. We were basically kids when we met.” or something like that.
Oh shit, that’s right—how did I forget the actual thing that happened when it was so movie-awkward? But okay, that’s a good plan!
LW2 – I might disagree with Wendy. So, I am guessing he took the pic, sent it with a crude message to one of his friends. When you found it, he freaked. Is your guy easily embarrassed? So, over the 10 years I have been with my husband, I have caught porn/girly pics a handful of times. When confronted, he sputtered and freaked. My husband isn’t a “share porn with your wife” guy, he is an alone guy. So I accept that. To throw away a 20 year relationship over a picture seems short sited to me. Is he not answering you because he is panicking?
Even if he is just panicking, which does sound possible, he’s still taking creepshots of a woman, at best, and at worst, taking pictures of girls he’s spending time with secretly.
When you say “girly pics” do you mean photos found online or pictures he’s actually taking?
no, definately online photos. However, So in my group of friends are 10 couples. One of the women in the group has a friend that was a model in playboy. Every once in awhile, she will come to an outing. When the husbands know she is going to attend, these text messages start circulating and my husband will literally giggle. If she spoke to him he would probably pee his pants but the fact that she will be at the same party sets off these school boy comments. Like, he saw here boobies in a magazine.
Okay, but do they just send texts like, “Ooh, she’s here!” “She looks GREAT in that outfit ;)” or do they sneakily snap photos of her & send them to each other? Because the latter is pretty not okay.
no, they aren’t taking pictures of her. It is more that she will exist in our mundane little group. Like we are all 30 something married (some parents). pretty suburban boring. Then this woman shows up like something out of the real housewives. It is something exciting.
So the camera phone pictures of strangers. I think I am going to start a thread about it because I feel like people do it all the time.
Really? That skeeves me out. I wonder if its more common than I imagine.
That vapid school boy behaviour is just…. flat out bizarre. Even I would have a problem with it.
I would so not be okay with it too Mark.
LW1) Um, probably because you are already obsessing like a freak with ZERO details. Know what? Not everybody kisses and tells. And knowing the sexual history of your lover is something many people simply can’t handle because the world is filled with insecure idiots… Dud he LEARN anything from his relationships? Gag. Vomit. Barf. Stop watching shitty Oprah reruns already — she’s made more than enough fucking money for a closeted, talentless vacuous media shill…
LW2) Wendy misses the boat here. The photo sounds like a random. Moreover, basically. She’s, uh, pretty much advocating a felony here by suggesting you pocket the cash. But hey — if you REALLY wanna be the batshit-crazy ex with a prison record, LW — then by all means follow her advice.
LW3) He’s just not that into You. Everybody I know who wound up with their high school lover is hopelessly miserable and trapped at 42 in a sexless, loveless marriage. So, count your blessings. Enjoy being young. Soon enough you’ll be old and wondering where all the time went. Slow curtain — the end. Stop obsessing over some pudgy, dumpy guy with hilariously lame hobbies…
I’m thinking in LW2’s case, it was either a creepshot or a prostitute that he managed to take a photo of as she was leaving. In either case, if he won’t discuss it, then you can’t really hash it out with him, can you?
Do you want to stay with someone who refuses to talk about a photo that may have been harmless (I’ve managed to accidentally take some funny photos on my phone when I’ve dropped it while attempting to open the thing, or my youngest got a hold of it while I was cooking), but seriously, he allowed you to use his phone and knew the risks of it (you’d see the photos). If he knew the photo was there, that’s on him. Maybe he didn’t know the photo was there and is trying to figure out how it got there, but that’s me playing devil’s advocate, and I kind of doubt it.
If he won’t talk about it, then the situation is shady. Do you want to continue with something shady like that?