“Should I Start an LDR with A Guy Who Lives in Australia?”
Soon enough, he was whisked off by a friend and I didn’t expect to see him again as he was flying back to Australia the next day. But later that evening he showed up at the ice cream shop where I work. I was incredibly surprised to see him and, encouraged a bit, I added him on Facebook the next day. Since then, he’s spoken to me online nearly every day. Not only that, but he’s made it very clear that he makes very good money – we’re talking six figures – and emphasizes his intentions to move to the States once he’s saved up enough money to buy a house, and that he wants to settle down with someone here. He also seems to visit the States fairly often, and has encouraged me to visit Australia.
I really liked this guy and I think we hit it off from the moment we met, but I’m worried I’m misreading things. Do guys normally talk about their salary with girls they’re interested in? I’ve never been with a guy who had worldly assets to brag about, to be honest. And if he does like me, should I pursue this? Yes, he plans on moving here within the next couple years, but in the meantime, we’re dealing with a 15-hour timezone difference.
I’ve always said I’d be willing to work with a long distance relationship, and I don’t want to miss out if we have a connection, but I don’t want to be the one to bring it up if he’s not interested enough. I come from a pretty traditional background, so I’d prefer for him to make the first move, but I’m worried that he will think the distance makes it not even worth talking about. I guess I’m just hoping for your take on the situation. — Outback Crush
You met this guy for one evening — a quick conversation around a group of people and then a surprise visit at your place of employment — and you’re now thinking about launching a (very) long distance relationship?? You might want to cool your jets. There’s nothing wrong with continuing an online friendship with the guy — even flirting a little — but until he plans another visit to your neck of the woods, you’d be wise to keep things strictly platonic, date a little closer to home, and not get wound up with a virtual stranger who lives on the other side of the world.
As for his salary, I wouldn’t necessarily say “six figures” is wealthy. Depending on what number those six figures starts with and where a person lives (like, say, New York City or many other urban environments) and how many people it’s supporting, that could be very average salary — comfortable, sure, but nothing to get your panties wet over. And even if he were wealthy, so what? I mean: A) It’s tacky that he’s mentioned his salary to someone he barely knows. And B) Just, gross. People who lead with that kind of thing rarely have much else to offer, I’ve found.
I would not pursue a LDR with this guy at this point. If he makes plans to come to your area in the near future, then by all means, get together. But fantasizing about anything beyond that at this point would be very premature.
Beware the charming foreign man who brags about his money, discusses how much he wants to move to the States, and how he would love to “settle down” with someone as soon as he gets here. Even if he has a little money in the bank, you have something potentially much more valuable to him than that: American citizenship. Don’t underestimate the manipulation some men will pull for a piece of that action.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
Totally agree! why does it need to be a relationship? why not just a friendship since you aren’t going to see each other. I would love to know how salary came up but that doesn’t really factor into the relationship. Would you wait for this guy if he made 150k but not if he made 75k? Obviously not, so just keep talking and see how often he really comes to the US.
It called my attention how he bragged about his salary, but then talks about having to save up for a house, just seemed a bit weird.
LW definitely wait and see what happens, if he does end up moving to the US things will be different, but for now, just take the above advice.
Have you honestly never met anybody that was just really really into money?
A friend of my husband is terrible like that, but more along the lines of how much people pay for things (and how our things never measure up to the rest of the group who are very well off), needless to say I don´t like him that much!!
Rereading I´m not sure if the guy maybe made a remark about his salary and LW thought it was a big deal, or if the guy made a show about having a lot of money. Either way just sounds weird. And maybe what others are saying about the green card is true.
Or were you talking about LW??
The only guy I’ve known who constantly bragged about his money actually had none. He wanted people to think he was rich and talked about all the things he had. I’d be very wary of anyone who wants to make you like them for their income and isn’t it safe to brag to you about it when you are so far away you can’t begin to judge whether he’s honest or not. Really, does he have nothing else to offer but money? Does his personal value seem so low to himself that he can’t think of anything else to say about himself? Or, is he assuming that all Americans are greedy and care for nothing but money so that’s what he talks about. If money alone made people happy then there wouldn’t be any divorce among corporate CEOs and Hollywood actors.
I always say that people who have a lot of money don’t talk about because they don’t need to. They know that they are well off and don’t need to inform anyone else of it. And I agree with Wendy that 6 figures may not mean much. I know that 6 figures plus law-school debt still means a very modest lifestyle
This applies to other things besides money. I’ve known some guys who bragged about their sexual prowess. it just turned me off. If you’re all that, you shouldn’t have to say so. You just are.
Agreed. True confidence is quiet.
I think that’s often true, but not always. My best friend’s husband is very insecure and I think he has low self-esteem. He’s always bragging about expensive stuff they get. I know roughly how much he makes, and I know the ballpark of her salary too, and yeah they’re pretty well off. So, he’s not lying, he just feels the need to boost himself. Either way, not an impressive trait in a person (IMO).
Simmer down, LW. Continue to email with him if you’d like, but don’t let it suck the life out of you. Set some ground rules, like you only email him twice a week. Remember, you can’t really get to know someone over email; at least that’s how I feel. If/when he comes for a visit, you can see how that goes. Until then, don’t let your head get carried away. Continue to go out and meet people.
And please please don’t send him naked pictures of yourself. That never ends well.
Unfortunately, if something sounds too good to be true – then it probably is. This letter screams Green Card to me, so LW I would proceed with caution. Chat with him and be friends with him, but I wouldn’t jump into a very very LDR with a guy you just met.
Green card was EXACTLY what I was thinking. You can’t just *move* to the US without documentation, you need some kind of visa (be it work visa, fiancee visa, whatever). Maybe his intentions are totally legit and he really likes the LW, but it is a little fishy.
Green card or con artist. Either way, my BS meter went way off the charts when I read this. Plus, LW gave herself away as a bit of an easy target with her reactions to him. (I’m betting she’s got her heart on her keyboard with her texts/IMs/Skyping to this guy.) I hope she takes a really deep breath and looks for better prospects on this side of the pond. I also hope she sends an update. How come you just know the clarifications and details left off here will totally change the tone of the situation?
Yep, this guy is angling for a green card. Happened to my best friend: on their FIRST DATE, he was talking marriage, how many kids he wanted, etc. They are divorced now, he conveniently left her as soon as he got the coveted green card. He was from Uruguay.
Personally, I don’t see why would an Australian want a green card/American citizenship, especially by getting married just for that reason.
By getting married to an American, he obtains green card status without waiving his Australian citizenship. So in effect, he could be a dual citizen – even though the newly acquired American citizenship wouldn’t recognize the Australian. Yet if he were to go through the immigration process he would have to formally revoke his Australian citizenship and just be the American one. Two passports are better than one.
You don’t get an American passport just by having a green card. My husband traveled on his English passport until he got American citizenship. At the citizenship ceremony he was required to turn in his greenvcard but he kept his English passport. He was required to renounce his English citizenship but England will still recognize him as English. He could travel out of the country on his English passport but he couldn’t re-enter the US on his English passport without the green card because it is the visa. So he has a valid English passport but it is useless if he wishes to come back to the US.
Yep, same sitch with my hubby when he got his permanent green card and eventual US citizenship. He said that even if the US government seized his (or our kids’) UK passports, you just have to report it lost and reapply for one with the UK consulate in Washington. I can’t remember if he said he needed to show his UK passport at immigration in Britain or not the last time he went home. And he said the same thing to me about renunciation of his Britishness, but it still makes me uneasy that the US requires people to say that when they swear fealty to Uncle Sam. At least he’s too old to be drafted by either army now! 🙂
I think there is a little confusion here between having green card status and naturalization. You can be a permanent resident of the US without being a citizen, but you can’t get an American passport without being a citizen. It’s true that he can get a green card by marrying a citizen, I’m not arguing that at all, but all a green card grants is the right to live and work in the US (for the most part, with some caveats) indefinitely.
I will note that my fiance was not required to renounce his Bosnian citizenship when he was naturalized in the US. He came here on refugee papers first, then got a green card, then became naturalized, and is a dual citizen. Some countries permit dual citizenship across the board, some permit it only in certain instances, and others do not permit it at all. In order to hold dual citizenship, both countries must have a policy that permits it.
Speaking as an Australian (right now, anyway) I will tell you that I have many friends who would jump at the chance to get a Green Card. They wouldn’t be as sleazy as this guy (I hope!!) but that is totally the first thing I thought of. We can have dual citizenship with Australia, so the Green Card would make looking for work/study option easier. My friend is studying in California right now, and she would marry someone in a heartbeat if it meant she could stay in your country!
So yeah, LW. Friends, sure! Lovers, no.
I would definitely encourage the LW to look up the requirements for American Citizenship. Mr. Australia could get his own Green Card, relatively easily, through an American/Australian embassy but gaining full-access citizenship is much harder (and usually several thousand dollars). It’s definitely a weird situation though. If she does decide to pursue something, she should be smart and encourage the guy to apply for his own Green Card. If he’s really *truly* honest about his intentions, then he’s going to be willing to take his time. If he’s intent on rushing things though, that might be an even stronger tip-off to the LW that he’s just looking for the on-ramp to US citizenship
But she met him a WEEK ago. I don’t think ‘feeding the crazy’ by telling LW to look up green card is good advice here.
Amen.
Honestly, he just sounds like he’s looking to get laid by mentioning his salary and trying to sweet talk you… and bringing you ice cream? Eugh, that sounds kinda cheap – he’s bragging about making 100 000K + and he’s not even taking you on a proper date. I’d expect my date to bring me ice cream if he were 15 years old, not if he were a grown man who is fully capable of taking me out to dinner. The fact is, he’s telling you that he has soooooo (6 O’s = 6 figures, right?) much money, but he’s not showing it. Men with a lot of wealth who do brag can generally back it up and take you out to La Restaurant Expensive… and this dude only flapped his lips about it. Unless that ice cream was plated with gold and came with a diamond bracelet…
Now, if he HADN’T bragged about money and brought you ice cream and asked questions about YOU, that’d be a different story, cos that might indicate he has some interest in you and not just playing girls.
Also, he wants you to visit Australia, but did Mr Rich offer to fly you out? If you did go, do you honestly think he’d meet you at the airport and show you around? Well, he might, but he’d probably bring his girlfriend with him.
As well, he may be moving to the States in a couple years? Really? LW, don’t bother trying to form a LDR with this dude. Keep it platonic, but don’t be surprised if he eventually stops talking to you, cos chances are another sweet little thang has caught his eye. He just sounds like the type.
Just a clarification, she works at an ice cream shop. While he may or may not have bought her ice cream, she doesn’t explicitly say. However, your points are dead on.
Also, he said that he’s saving up to buy a house, but did he say if that house was in Australia or the US?
You say you aren’t familiar with anyone making six figures so you don’t know if your conversation was typical of a man of means expressing interest. I know lots of men with serious money – and I don’t know any who would disclose it as soon as they meet someone. That type of thing would send most if the women I know running in the opposite direction. I’m not sure what is worse: that he thought that it would impress you or that it actually did. I take it you are very young. Unless I missed something, your Aussie didn’t ask you to start anything anyway… though he may be laying the groundwork for his own agenda. You know what you should do? Only judge people by their actions not by what they say when they are running their mouth. You want a Facebook friend across the globe – that’s fine – just keep it light and don’t let it consume you to the exclusion of other boys interested in you – particularly the ones that keep their bank accounts to themselves and don’t assume that a man’s value to a woman has a dollar sign in front of it.
You’ve got a point but back in my single years I had a nice car (paid for) and house (not paid for) with 10 years salary in the bank. That explains why I was single, all my energy went into accumulating wealth and had nobody to share life with. Lesson learned and it turned out nicely thank you very much.
I’m guessing you didn’t roll up on girls working in ice cream shops telling them about your 10 years salary in the bank… Men of substance do not lead with their bank accounts. Ever.
The image of Eddie “rolling up on girls working in ice cream shops” makes me grin 😀
…and nobody to share it with. That’s very sweet, and so true. While money can make life easier, it certainly doesn’t make you happier.
Your comment was like a punch to the gut… in a good way! Concise and all so true.
As further explanation, I never had time for ice cream or rolling up on women per se. I didn’t have time to but I did brag a bit about my success which most likely put women off further explaining why I was single for so long. At the time the feminine contacts I did have already had kids or wanted them really badly and the last thing I wanted to be was a daddy. In later years I came to regret that choice big time.
For several years I was celibate because it just wasn’t worth the effort and the keepers were already taken. In search of happiness I lost my mind, sold the house and bought a boat in that order. After being at sea for several weeks with nobody to talk to except sea gulls I decided to come home, find someone and make it work. By that time I was broke, deep in debt and unemployed. An old friend entered my life and saw something in me that I couldn’t and she took me on. Why she did is still beyond me after 23 years together. There a longer description of this on my web site. I think we value each other because we built our success together.
You’re jumping from just meeting this guy twice to a possible LDR? Really?
Guy sounds like a jackass. If you find money sexually appealing you should look into prostitution.
She said she felt “fireworks” BEFORE she knew how much money he made. Also, I think knowing that someone makes a decent amount of money CAN be a turn-on, although for indirect reasons – it can mean he’s well-educated, ambitious, hard-working, intelligent, self-sufficient, etc. (Someone who does not make a ton of money can be all of those things, too, I know). If he was a trust fund baby or a lottery winner or something, then it would be a different story.
Don’t have much to add to Wendy’s advice except really emphasize the point that a powerplayer guy would show his bravado in a much different way if he was making serious bank and the context of the situation makes me question his motives for dropping that information so soon.
I would also assume you are young – having 5 zero’s behind your salary may be impressive, but as Wendy pointed out a lot of factors play into it. Around me? 100k is GREAT money, NYC and Sydney? Nope. This guy was trying to wow you and I know accents are great (I’m particularly fond of Aussie women’s accents), but don’t fall for it…at most pursue an online casual and platonic friendship and do not hold out for him.
To those questioning the house buying. Depending on where he lives in Australia he would still need to budget out an extended savings plan in order to get enough finances even with a 100k salary so he may not be lying about it.
As far as offering to fly her out? Couldn’t that potentially be like $5000? Again – this guy put a tag on his income, but in reality it may not get him that far so I don’t really fault him for saying she should visit (hell I could see anyone from that country telling you to go visit it and not mean visit them while you are there) and not offering to fly her out. He could have just been making conversation that the LW read into…seems like she may have read into a lot or at least jumped the gun on pacing.
Forgot to add that after she gets to know this guy a while and he does actually follow through with his move to the States that she should then pursue something if it is still a good fit.
You bring up a great point. I would throw caution to the wind if a man with an accent even said hello to me.
Man w accent: Eh
Me: Need a green card? Lets get married RIGHT NOW. All you have to do is keep talking. Read me Berenstain Bears, even. Just keep talking.
Depends on the accent (and the guy), a few years ago Sean Connery could´ve said shocksh to me and I would´ve fainted.
Scottish and Irish accents are the best!!!
As a NZer, I can´t enjoy the australian accent!!! 😉
My husband has an accent and after being around him for about a month for the most part I no longer noticed it. Waitresses will make a fuss over it, I’m assuming flirting for a bigger tip.
Haaa!! I’m with you on that one. LOVE the aussie accents.
No, you shouldn’t, and here’s why:
LDRs hinge on either a firm “end date” or the wherewithal to visit each other often. Flying to Australia and back is hugely time-consuming and expensive. Even if he makes 6 figures, that’s still a big chunk of change to drop on a regular basis. Not to mention it’s not easy getting enough time off of work to justify a trip of that length.
People do stupid things when they’re in foreign countries. Some of them aren’t necessarily “stupid,” just maybe things they wouldn’t normally do at home. It sounds to me like this guy met you and liked you, so he visited you at work to woo you a bit- because he was leaving for freaking Australia soon and he had nothing to lose. Now you’re FB friends, and yes, he would just loooove it if you flew out to see him. But he has no intentions of coming back to the US just to visit you.
As for mentioning the money, well, I’ll withhold judgement on that one because I don’t know the conversational context in which it came up. I know a guy with some self-esteem issues, and he does tend to drop hints about how financially secure he is because he feels on some level that it is more attractive than the rest of his personality. That could be the issue here. Or he could just be a jerk who likes to brag about being rich 😛 Also, I don’t fault you for being a little more interested for knowing that information- I assume that since you work at an ice cream parlor, you’re not exactly rolling in excess money. Just don’t let that one tiny little aspect of the package that is this guy overwhelm everything else. Put it out of your head and focus on all of the stuff that is WAY more important.
So, LW, I say no, don’t date this guy. Talk to him, sure, but see if he’s serious about moving to the US. If he is, you can date once he’s there. If he’s not, you’ll have an interesting pen-pal.
Wendy’s right on as usual but this adventure sounds like sooo much fun. What’s not to like, he’s got looks, moves and money. The LW must be dam hot herself cause there’s some delightful and beauties down under that are far more convenient for him pursue. The money thing isn’t even a pink flag let alone a red one. A six figured salary doesn’t go all that far these days and the tax structure in that part of the world cuts the net down by nearly 50%. Looking ahead for a home and hearth is a good indicator that he’d like to settle down but a 24 hour commute for family visits could be crushing in the long run. For the meantime he’s got great magnetism and she’s got nothing to lose by indulging her instincts. Go for gold sweetheart or you’ll always wonder what might have been.
Some women lose years of their lives waiting for some Casanova to step up to make good on his promises. If it is long distance, they can lose money on phone calls and air fare. Most importantly though, they lose opportunity – neglecting perfectly decent, hard-working men that may be interested in them by putting all their eggs in a basket spun on promises and charisma. If he backs up all his talk and moves to the States and buys a house then fine – until then he needs to firmly be in the friend zone. If he really is so smitten with her – he’ll figure out how to work his way out of the friend zone in time.
Oh man, another reminder of how much I LOVE Wendy’s advice. Was thinking all of the same things. So, uh, what Wendy said.
I wouldn’t start ANY type of relatoinship after meeting someone just once! Seriously, I believe that there were fireworks, but it’s usually at this point that you go on a DATE, and start getting to KNOW each other – you don’t launch into something serious and committed! And LDRs need a strong foundation in order to work. You’ve got nothin.
Not to mention, I do NOT trust this guy. Reading your letter set off my douche-dar (douche radar?) BIG TIME.
I mean, I get it. I’ve met sexy foreigners who had a limited time in the States and they left me wondering “What if”… But really, LW, it’s not worth the hassle. You’ll meet someone else who sets off the fireworks and who is easily accessible.
Yep. My douche-dar is flashing neon as well.
He could be a total bullsh*t con artist. Warning! Warning! And why would a guy like that go for a girl who works at an icecream shop? Seriously! I am sure you are a great person, but if he is just going for citizenship, he would look for someone young and vulnerable who he could con with his snowjob. Time will tell, but be very careful.
Don’t date the guy until he is at least within driving distance. Keep him as a online friend if you want, but make no further moves until he actually comes to the US. This is just too fishy.
I just want to point out that you seem to have no idea whether he’s interested in a relationship with you. You contacted him on Facebook, you’re not sure if you’re misreading the signals, you’re not sure if you should pursue something. That’s a lot of you and not much him. But I’d think if this guy was honestly interested, you’d already know. If he’s confident enough to approach you and make googley eyes at you, then toss around how much money he makes, I’d think he’d be confident enough to at least say, “Hey, I like you, what should we do about that?” Or something to that effect. I’d be careful with even a “friendship” online.
Something smells rotten in Denmark…or Australia. There are plenty of men on your own continent, I suggest you date them instead. You’l find as you get older that the chemistry you speak of will happen many times over and you’ll see that it isn’t chemistry, it’s hormones.
This sounds like a real world example of the prince from Nigeria saying he’s going to make you rich. Would you believe a Guy who walked up to you about of the blue and said he was a millionaire? If so then you’ve got bigger problems than a LDR.
Grow some common sense then start considering dating options.
He just seems too good to be true. I’m not saying you should run for the hills, but go slowly and keep an eye out for any potential red flags! Its very strange that a wealthy, attractive foreigner would fall instantly for some girl he just met. It sounds like a rom-com plot, or a scam.
AMENNNNNNNNNNN Wendy!
All I could think was maahahaaan is that guy trying hard to get some tail.
“Yes, see all I’m looking for is an American true love that I will certainly stay with all of my days when I move to America, which I’m certainly doing oh yes, and when I come I will buy her a great big home with all my money, I make uh…*double checks believable wealth status* 6! 6 figures don’t you know! I can’t wait to spend all that money on a committed girlfriend because I am looking for my American soul mate.”
He met you for ONE night and he’s hinting he’s looking for a commitment (in the douchiest way possible, btw, why do men think that women like when they brag about money??) ? He’s not stupid, he’s looking to tell you what he thinks you want to hear to justify giving him a cure for jet lag (sexy sex sex) every time he’s in town. Hey, prove me wrong, become friends with him long distance without doing anything sexual with him. Hell, tell him that you aren’t looking for an LDR and that maybe when he comes to town permanently you guys can talk about dating, but until then just be friends. Then wait for the reply email. And wait.
If flashing money and fancy cars didn’t work on certain women then certain men would stop doing it.
Oh, hell yeah! This is oh so, so true. Oh, so very true… Now admittedly I am biased as LA is truly the land of wanton Golddiggers (among both sexes.) Out here it’s ALL about both what’s in your bank and what’s parked outside at the valet…
True. Sounds like the LW is one of them.
Even if everything is true, HOW do you start a relationship like that? Even if you Skype and talk on the phone all the time, a relationship with no intimacy is a friendship. And I’m not just talking about sexual intimacy, although that is most of it. Without seeing him in person EVER, all you really have is a penpal. It is possible to share only so much of yourself online.
I think the LW is young and as she herself stated, comes from a “traditional” background. This means that maybe (and I could be reading too much into this from what little information was provided) she was raised to believe that a man “takes care” of a woman. She maybe was raised to see men as “knights in shining armor” and just wants so get married and live that dream. So, she is looking at him very doe-eyed. She isn’t necessarily “gross” for being taken by his supposed wealth. But, she does seem to be quite naive. She has some lessons to learn, for sure.
I would say to the LW, to save yourself some heartbreak… keep this guy at a distance. He is, after all, in Australia…should be easy to do, ha ha! But, I mean emotionally. See him as a fun pen pal to flirt with. Nothing more. If he does make good on coming to visit- sure- take him sight seeing, have a ball. But, try to rid yourself of this fantasy. I don’t blame you for being a little charmed by a handsome Aussie (accents can make a girl do crazy things). But, there are plenty of men in your own area who can give you a ton of attention and make you feel like a princess. Focus on finding more available men. Try to rid yourself of any idea you’re holding onto of a guy financially taking care of you. Look for someone who works hard and can take care of himself- those are good signs for having a future together. But, you are your own woman!
Somebody here seems way too desperate to settle down, and it’s NOT Mr. Moneypenny from down under! I don’t understand letters like this at all. You had–like what? Two pretty good conversations with the guy and suddenly you think he is the one? Really? That strikes me as kinda insane. I mean talk about head over heels! I trust you aren’t already naming your 2.4 kids and weighing the merits of bamboo over hardwood floors.
Slow Down. You move too fast.
Go ahead a strike up a friendship with this guy. Go ahead and see him when he visits the states. Go ahead and journey to Australia to see him if you feel so inclined after about six months or so. But don’t put much stock in somebody you barely, barely know. It makes you look very, very desperate.
As Wendy says, he could have other reasons for wanting to marry you besides love.
Let’s say this guy is after the LW for the green card. If he had this plan in mind all along while being in the US, would the LW be the only girl he would hit on? Probably not. A smart guy with a plan would not put all his eggs in one basket. So the question is, how many other American girls is he talking to? If he stayed here for two weeks, one girl a day, you do the math, LW. (And taking into account how many girls were attracted to him because of his accent, one girl a day is hugely underestimated 🙂 )
Also, marriage is not the only way to get a green card and/or citizenship. He could apply for a job with an American company. Or he can apply to a graduate program, finance his own studies (he could afford it!), then find a job in the US. It’s a lot easier for an Australian to do this than, say, someone from a less developed country.
Him bringing up the topic of marriage so soon after you guys met is a pretty big red flag. Now, if he talked about it in a general sense, I wouldn’t put too much stock into it. If he specifically said he wants to settle down with the LW, I would run the other way. If he set his eyes on you so soon, he’s a predator, and people like him have a 6th sense for identifying gullible people.
As it happens, LW, I also met a guy last week. He has a lot of things I look for (nerd, babyface, dark eyes (yeah, I’m shallow!), job, education, laughs at my jokes), but I have no idea how much money he makes because he hasn’t brought it up, and frankly, I don’t care. I haven’t even thought about having a relationship with him, because I don’t know who he is! I just met him! And he lives 20 min away, not halfway around the world…
As others said, don’t get your hopes up with this dude, and try to find someone who’s at least geographically more available. Good luck!
Honey – I think you need to slow your ass down. My half-sister married quickly to a guy who made “six figures”, owned his own business, etc. Thing was – he was also an immigrant. He didn’t really make 6 figures, but told her what his company made a year, and even then, he didn’t own the business. He ran it for someone else, under the table. Because she married him, he was getting what he wanted – fast-track to US citizenship.
When she started to divorce, she had to go into hiding because some males of this particular ethnicity are very “honor” conscious. Plus, it’s better to widow and get sympathy with the INS board than to be divorced and deported. Luckily, she didn’t have any kids with this guy. Last I heard (we don’t talk – for other reasons), she is happily married in another town.
When it comes to any guy long distance, especially a guy from out of country – you need to take whatever they say with a large grain of salt until you can confirm it.
Another story – a friend of mine decided to join the army. After going to Iraq, he got stationed in the states. He met a nice girl and started promising her the world. She wanted to be friends with his friends and ended up friending me on facebook. Now, this friend wasn’t someone I was super-friendly with. He wanted to date, pushed the issue a lot and I refused. He was 16 years older than me, always working minimum wage jobs, drank a lot, etc. Well, the girlfriend started telling me things that got my alarm up. That he had a lot of money, was a property owner, got native funds and was pretty much a millionaire but gave it all to his mother to help her out because she needed help and she would use the money to support the rest of his family. He also drank a LOT and was getting physically abusive. She dumped him and he started stalking her and because she was ill (inoperable brain cancer, and obese) she felt that it would be better to go back to him and be with ANY man than no man at all. I finally broke my silence and outted him in regards to his lack of money, and the other lies. Having known him for 8 years, I knew damned well he was lying.
I think you want to believe the stories. If it sounds too good to be true… y’know? Verify before you trust.
I gotta say, the talk of money didn’t turn me off nearly as much as everyone else. Because flights to and from australia are crazy expensive. So it kind of made sense to me that he was telling her that trips were actually possible
-“I love the US. I’ve been here 5 times, and I plan on visiting a lot in the future.”
-“But its so expensive!”
-“True but I do ok, so its not really an issue. And the experience is totally worth it.”
-“No really, those are like $2k a flight!”
-“I make in the six figures, so its actually doable, and I really love to travel, so I like that my job allows me to do things that I love. Have you ever been to thailand? It’s amazing…”
See? not a douche if it went anything like that.
I offer this as a cautionary tale. It is absolutely true. It happened to a girl I used to work with. She fell for some guy she met onlline. He lived in Africa. (Turned out it was Uganda but we only learned that after a lot of research. More on this later.) He fed her the line that he had fallen instantly in love with her, she was the one he’d been looking for, etc. He invited her to visit him in Africa – on his dime. She had never been out of the country before in her life. We, her co-workers and friends, suggested that before she went to a foreign country by herself (he insisted she come by herself), she should ask him to visit her in the US. After all, we said, if he can afford to fly you to Africa, he can afford to fly himself to the US. If he cares for you, he would want you to feel comfortable, right?
She replied that she asked him and he said that he could not come to the US because he couldn’t get a visa. ??? The only people who cannot get visas are people who are on special lists, we told her. What list was he on and what had he done to get there? She didn’t know and she didn’t care. She said she felt safe because she had spoken to his sister and she would pick her up at the other end. We pointed out that she had spoken to a woman who said she was his sister. She also told us that he had gotten upset with her when she mentioned that she had told her mother about the trip. All of these red flags made us very nervous and we insisted that she not go. But she went.
No one heard from her for several days. One of us had a boyfriend who worked for Homeland Security and Immigration and he became concerned for her. When she finally texted his girlfriend, he was able to track down exactly where the text had come from: Uganda. He called her, and the man answered and seemed very angry that someone was asking for her. She assured the boyfriend that she was fine, but she told the girlfriend that the guy had beaten her up as soon as she arrived in Uganda. STILL, she thought everything was fine. She refused all offers of help to come home.
She eventually did come home. She had married the guy and was coming home to wait for him. As far as I know, she is still waiting. I haven’t seen her since. I know this is an extreme example, but it does show how far some people will go. This guy had convinced her to marry a complete stranger, a stranger who beat her, and she did it why? I don’t know. All I can think of is she had some serious self-esteem problems and was so desperate to have someone love her that she thought this was the best she could do. I’m not saying that you’re that desperate, but if this story makes you think, good. Please, please, please proceed with caution.
Just to put some perspective around the salary disclosure – houses in Australian cities start at $600K if you’re lucky, and a middle class home can easily cost over a million. Australia is one of the most expensive places to live in the world. A six-figure income, even a low one, is a statement that, if the relationship becomes serious, you will have a modestly comfortable lifestyle (if you live in Australia, of course) and will probably have the luxury of staying home with your kids for a few years if you wish. It’s not a statement of great wealth – it’s a statement of ability to provide for a family. Everyone I’ve dated over the last ten years has found a way to gently disclose their salary at a very early stage. It seems to be an unspoken gentleman’s agreement that this is material information when one is in the market for a serious relationship, because a woman needs to know if she’s signing up for having children she’ll never see before getting too attached.