“Advice Needed for Longtime Friend’s Change in Behavior”
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From a LW:
“I have a friend of over 60 years (we’re 72 now). We grew up in a small town and did most everything together. Life happened but always remained close. When we went to our 50-year class reunion in 2019, she made a point of informing me of my bad behavior towards her over the years. As an examples said: “I never forgave you for leaving me with my family on graduation night while you went off with your boyfriend.” I dated one boy for four years of high school and we married a year after graduation. I thought she was getting things off her chest that had bothered her so I listened, apologized for not realizing her views but I do not know what else to do and I do not look forward to our get-togethers anymore.
Any ideas how to handle this? If I was such a nasty friend why is she befriending me? She could easily ignore me – most of our get-togethers are at her prompting. She is put out that I am not going back home for our 55th reunion; it falls on my Grandson’s 16th birthday and we have plans. Her reply was: “Just like our first reunion – I guess I have to go alone.” She has never gone alone – her husband always goes with her. I am a widow so I sit at these dinner dances alone while they dance am I that bad of a friend?”
This old friend is toxic and you are under zero obligation to remain in touch with her. You say her behavior has changed, but it sounds like she’s simply begun expressing viewpoints she’s held for over 50 years, so the change you see is really just her being more open about who she actually is. And you don’t enjoy the person she is. Furthermore, it’s been at least five years since she began trying to make you feel bad for your (totally normal, non-offensive) behavior in high school. This is someone who is likely unhappy and wants to make others feel unhappy. She’s a classic example of a toxic friend. And the reason why she continues to reach out to you is probably because she’s run off everyone else in her life and you’re one of the few people, if only person, who still humors her with a response. You don’t need to do that anymore.
Ignore her and move on with your life. Enjoy the company of your family and the other people in your life who support and love you.
I’m a big proponent of cutting out toxic people from your life. If being around that person stresses you out or you don’t enjoy it then stop. Life is too short to spend it with takers and not givers. People who take away your life force.
In some ways I feel sorry for these people that whine all the time because they obviously just want attention but it’s not our jobs to prop these people up in life. Move on and don’t worry about your “old” friend.
I think Wendy is spot on: she loves being miserable and she loves bringing everyone to her level. If she whines about 50 year old grievances and you apologize, it “proves” you still care for her.
You have three choices:
1. Ghost her, be less available, fade out. It doesn’t sound like you talk often, and this might be the easiest path.
2. Keep doing what you’re doing. It changes nothing but you have a different view point.
3. The next time she complains about your behavior say something along the lines of “You know, the last few times we’ve talked (or gotten together) you’ve made a point of rehashing where you feel I’ve let you down. You seem to be holding onto a lot of resentment and I just feel that if I bring that much pain and negativity into your life, perhaps it’s best that I leave you alone.” She’ll protest of course but you can just keep with how she’s made it very clear that you keep hurting her (unintentionally) because you are prioritizing your children and grandchildren and if she can’t take joy from your joy then perhaps it’s best you leave this trouble behind.
