Am I the problem??
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Am I the problem and cause of every relationship partner that I’ve ever had blindsided and ghosted me??
I’ve been in 5 relationships, and each have ended with me being heartbroken, confused, ghosted, and finding out there were an(other) woma(en).
First relationship lasted a year, even though was speaking prior for a year. He was my first everything. We communicated daily, saw one another frequently. He promised me he wanted to marry me and remain with me. ..that he loved me.. We had spoken the day prior to him ghosting me and everything was fine. He just ghosted me and disappeared. He was seeing another woman (eventually married).
We didn’t communicate for 3 years after ghosting me. Prior to marriage .He sent me a letter via postal and email saying how sorry he was for ghosting me, that he wanted to remain friends and work towards being together again….etc..even called my mom asking her advice.. we remained in contact for about 3 months off and on..out the blue he told me he wasn’t in love with me, that he never loved me, that he had pretended to like me because he felt sorry for me. That I was too tall, old looking, and ugly.
Another relationship lasted 5 years. .Basically the same pipe dreams and empty promises.. On the day prior to ghosting, we had agreed to going to therapy and working on our relationship…because we wanted to be married. I called him the next day to see what time he was coming over…and didn’t get an answer..I called multiple times…
Eventually a woman answered the phone, telling me that he never wanted me, that he’s been with her for awhile now, that I should have been lucky he pretended to love me because I was ugly and had nothing going for myself.. I heard his voice and him laughing in the background. Months later he apologizes and told me he really wanted to be with me. That the woman was just his cousin playing games, and that he told her he was depressed and didn’t want to talk to me..he claimed he had no idea she had done that.I never believed him, and told him it was over. That I never wanted to hear from him again. Later that day, he posted pics of himself and another woman online…and he was showing off his proposal and engagement to her. That he was very excited to marry her. That she’s the love of his life. They married soon after. Anytime that he was caught cheating and talking to women on social media, he’s been telling her that it wasn’t him, that it was his ex(me) hacking his account, trying to break them up because she is still in love with him…(I had blocked both of them months ago after seeing the engagement) She then starts hitting up my phone leaving constant profanity filled offensive insulting angry voice-mails on my phone…warning me to stay away from him.
One time I answered told her that he was lying. That she shouldn’t be so quick to believe a person, especially talking about a person she’s never met nor had exchanges with. I told her she never should have known my name..as him and I aren’t in each other lives anymore.
I never answered again.
Another 5 relationship basically the same empty promises and pipe dreams..
Leading to him ghosting me, later admitting thar he never loved me and only felt sorry for me. .that I’m old, ugly, and have nothing going for myself.He turned to be another gossiper and lie spreader. Denies that he ever dated me.. We hadn’t spoken for months after that…told his girlfriend (a woman I found out was in the picture all along while we were dating..eventually he married) lies about me. .
Told her that I was hacking his account, sending him messages, trying to ruin their relationship, told her that I was just a hoe he slept with once who caught feelings and won’t leave him alone. .etc… all lies. A little later I recieve a text from an anonymous number containing screenshots of her ranting on social media, threatening my life, telling me to stay away from her man, even had posted my complete address and name(he told her this information) saying how she was going to beat me up…the post generated a lot of comments from her family and friends ready to eagerly join her.It’s been going on 10 years since that incident and the last time he and I last spoken.
Dated a guy for about a year. Same empty promises and pipe dreams. Before ghosting me, he admitted to never have felt anything for me. That he hadn’t meant it when he told me that he loved me. That he was just using me as a rebound and a placeholder, because his ex the mother of his child didn’t want him anymore..that he truly wanted to be with her.
That was 3 years ago.
Now….this guy that I’ve recently posted about…seems to be headed in the same direction..
Is it me?? Am I really the problem??
There is a remarkable similarity here with these men and how things play out. You’re choosing these strikingly similar men and experiencing exactly the same thing with each one. So your picker seems to be broken. That’s definitely a problem. Like, sure, you’re attracting these men, but you’re also choosing them, and choosing to stay with them because you want to be married. Have you ever talked with a therapist? Someone could help you get to the bottom of why you keep repeating this pattern. We’d have to know way more about you to speculate as to why, and it would only be speculation.
When people treat us poorly, that’s a reflection of them and their inner world, not a reflection of us or our value. But yes, you have a pattern of picking men who turn out to be utter jerks and it sounds like it’d be worth your while to speak to a therapist about it.
Reading your other post, it seems you keep men around when things aren’t working and the relationship isn’t serving you. Why? And is that also part of your larger pattern?
Agreed that your picker/ your meter is off. I’m curious how all of these men were able to carry on seeing you and these other women in such a way that you never questioned it. And how all of them had a second women and some of them knew about you and they were somehow fine with it?
That this has happened so many times, I’m curious whether you’re giving people your trust before they actually demonstrate they are to be trusted? Are their behaviors matching their words or are you swayed by their words because that’s what you want to hear and when they’re tired of the games they are playing, they use their words to hurt you (you’re ugly, you’re old, I never loved you).
And whether this is your fault, well no, it’s not your fault that people treat you terribly. But you haven’t indicated that there were any red flags, or you simply didn’t see the red flags because you weren’t looking for them. When you look back now – can you see the signs or is it still all a mystery to you?
Also, do YOU think you’re old and ugly and not worthy of love, and you’re sending those signals out? Are you maybe playing out something that happened when you were a kid, where someone made you feel like that?
You’ve gotten excellent advice so far. I wonder if you confided in each successive man about the specific ways in which the previous one (s) had hurt you? Thus giving them a tried and tested script for when they were ready to stop playing games. It’s hard not to see each of these guys as a bullet dodged, but it’s certainly worth working out how you keep finding yourself in the firing line.
Maybe talk to some of your friends, female and male, about how a man treats a woman when he’s genuinely interested. Off the top of my head, he’ll call you all the time, make plans so you can see each other, take you to places he thinks you’ll like, introduce you to and include you in activities with his friends (especially couples), take you to family gatherings, hold your hand in public, buy you little gifts and practically fly across the room to meet you when you walk in the door. I agree your initial picker is off, but also think your relationship antenna is askew.
Another great resource is a YouTube guy I ran across when I was crushin’ hard on someone several years ago. It’s called “Make Him Yours” by Mark Rosenfeld and he offers advice to women on how to “read” men. His videos are amusing, but they’re also right to the point and almost painfully honest at times.
Best of luck!
