“Am I Wasting My Time with My FWB?”
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From a LW:
“I have been in a “situationship” or “friend with benefits” situation for about 4 years. Of course, being the woman, i have developed feelings for him….but I’m terrified to tell him. He’s far more successful than me career wise/ money wise, and i feel like that’s one of the main reasons he doesn’t want more than what we are. He would have to “take care” of me too much or always have to pay for trips or things we would do if we were to be in a relationship…I don’t KNOW this, it’s just an assumption, but I am a woman, call it intuition. For reference, we never go out on dates. It’s always several hours of hanging out, listening to music, having some food, smoke a little weed, making each other laugh, conversations about everything going on in our lives etc. & obviously we have sex. The best sex of our lives. We have both said this to each other. My best friend thinks he’s in love with me, & there have been moments where i thought so too…. But nothing has changed in this cycle. Please tell me any advice or thoughts! I think i love him… am i just wasting my time?”
You are wasting your time if you want a relationship, dates, commitment, basically anything beyond these hangouts and great sex.
In a nutshell if you want more, then you should tell him, and if he’s not on the same page then decide if you want to keep doing what you’re doing from time to time and try to also pursue a relationship with someone else, or stop seeing him entirely. What you should not do is keep going like this in hopes that he’ll elevate this to a relationship level because he will not.
I was FWB with a perfect man, and I actually told him I was in love with him and unless he wanted to date for real, I couldn’t see him anymore. He thought about it and called me and said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Flash forward 15 years and we have a family and he “takes care of me” while I’ve been battling trauma and medical issues for years. I work, but he makes more money. Who cares? He loves me. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that he is interested in you. You just literally have you to talk to him and see how he feels.
Yeah I don’t mean to imply he wouldn’t be willing to take it to the next level, but he’s not going to do it of his own volition after 4 years of this comfortable setup. You are going to need to initiate a conversation where you say how you feel and be open to hearing how he feels. If he says he feels the same, awesome! If he doesn’t, you have to accept that and realize he likes how things are and won’t change his mind, so you’ll have to act accordingly.
I think it’s unlikely this will turn into anything serious after a four-year situationship, but agree with the advice given to tell him you want more and move forward with what truly makes the most sense for you when you hear his response.
You don’t mention how long you’ve been harboring these feelings for him, but if it has been most of the time you have had a casual FWB situation, I’d also encourage you to do some self reflection about why you’ve let this go on so long without speaking your truth about how you feel. This read like you have a somewhat low opinion of yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship. (Not to mention my experience and that of many of my friends has been that plenty of men become insecure when a woman is more successful, better educated, or earns more… or if they even catch a whiff that any of these things MIGHT be true.)
Also, I’m sorry is it FWB or is it a situation ship? Those are wildly different. I think if you’ve happily been in an situationship for four years with a guy you know won’t date you for real, it won’t ever change and I’m not sure why you’ve put yourself in this spot. Sorry.. I clearly didn’t slow down and really read what you were writing.
