An Update
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I left my GF who cheated on me. It’s been hard, and I miss her, but I know it’s for the best. I told my mom we broke up and why, and I just got a bombshell dropped on me.
Our dad died a year ago of a heart attack, and our mom told me that she had been cheating on him for the last ten years of their relationship. Our dad never knew; he wore his heart on his sleeve, so he couldn’t have hid that sort of thing. What our mom says is that she loved our dad and being with him romantically (living together, raising a family, intimate kisses), but he wasn’t the best sex of her life. So, she cheated. But she made sure he never found it. And, you know, my mom and dad still slept together, because she knew that he enjoyed having sex with her and loved her body (and the sex was good, even if not the best).
My sister and I had wildly different reactions. My sister is horrified. I have had a different reaction. I don’t feel it makes sense to be mad at my mom for the infidelity. Yeah, she didn’t want to be with him in that “only want you way,” but she loved him enough to make him feel like she did. If from his point of view, it was a perfect relationship and he died happy, does it really matter that he didn’t know all the details? I feel so weird with this position, given my heartbreak at infidelity in my own life. I am struggling to reconcile my feelings. Could it really be that infidelity is only bad if you don’t put the work in too hide it, or is my mother in the wrong and I am missing something?
To be clear, I don’t think she should have told us because, well, why? I am more trying to unpack whether the infidelity was wrong, because our different interpretations are driving a wedge between my sister and I and my reaction is confusing me given my own experience.
Sorry, Anu, I call bullshit on this. Your mom happening to tell you exactly what you wanted to hear about your girlfriend is just a bit too perfect.
Not sure I follow? She didn’t tell me anything about my girlfriend. She was talking about herself and my father. I think she thought it relevant because we were discussing infidelity.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume this is a really, really weird coincidence. That said, I share some of Kate’s skepticism. Few parents like to talk about their sex lives with their children.
This is between your parents, and it was wrong of your mother to bring you and your sister into the loop on this. You did not need to be burdened with this information.
Was your mom wrong to do this? Maybe. If she knew your father could never tolerate an open relationship, and the only way the two of them could stay otherwise happily married was to have outside relations and she was able to do so 100% discretely and safely, then in my book it’s not the most terrible thing.
But to be clear, this is not what happened with you and your ex-girlfriend. You were not married to your girlfriend for decades. Your girlfriend didn’t cheat on you discretely. You did not die never knowing what she did. Your girlfriend cheated and then blamed you.
So what your mother did here is totally irrelevant.
Of course, I am not saying it is the same situation. I think I am trying to wrestle with my own views on infidelity, given how in pain I am with my situation and not in pain I am with what my mother told me.
On the chance that Kate’s suspicions are correct and this story is just a kind of bizarre way of bringing up more discussion…
Look – if you’re fine with your now ex-girlfriend have sex outside of your relationship, that’s totally fine. There are a lot of resources on how to navigate opening a relationship, including one-sided open relationships.
If you want to start fresh with your ex, you need to lay down clear rules and expectations. And these can be whatever you want to be. You can ask for a don’t-ask-don’t-tell open relationship, and you can just pretend she’s not sleeping with anyone else. You can ask for total transparency and honesty. You can ask for openness yourself.
But no matter what you do here, if you get back with your ex, things are going to be different, and you can expect her to continue having outside sexual relations with or without your consent.
I think reading some Esther Perel might do you good. She’s a clinic sex researcher who has done a lot of studies on infidelity and takes an interesting approach and viewpoint. “The State of Affairs” might be a good start.
“What our mom says is that she loved our dad and being with him romantically (living together, raising a family, intimate kisses), but he wasn’t the best sex of her life.”
This is PRECISELY what your girlfriend said to you about her cheating.
Supposedly.
No idea what is going on with your posts, but it does indeed sound like you’re making sh1t up at this point. If you are, it’s rude.
