Errr don’t stop writing in because I use this thread as my touch point to most users. So don’t leave us!

I recommend deleting facebook if you have it. It made me feel a lot better overall. And I spent less time fixating on tiny details, getting mad at people’s passive aggressive posts, all the election shit, etc. People typically post their best selves online. I can show you couples that look super amazing online, but the reality is that the girl is constantly getting cheated on. Or he’s abusive. Or she only married him out of fear there was no one better and doesn’t really love him. Everyone has a shitty side to their lives. I have to remind myself of that sometimes because I all of my friends are in serious relationships, having kids, etc. Then I remember they went through some heartbreak too, or are making the best out of unplanned pregnancies and such.

As for loving yourself, that takes time. The number one thing is to cut off negative influences. People that put you down, people that want to bond over body image issues (this was big for me as someone with a history of disordered eating), etc. I also follow some instagram posters that are inspirational quotes. It sounds cheesy, but it really helps on bad days. The ones I follow are targeted towards eating disorder recovery, but overall the positive messages help when I’m feeling down, which is when I’m most at risk to slip into bad habits.

Setting boundaries is hard, but worth it. I would make your mom’s ring tone a silent sound, so that if she calls and you want to ignore it, it can just ring. I do this with people that get offended by me hitting ignore. I also try not to put myself out there too much. My family issues are with my brother, so it’s a lot different of a relationship, but I offer to do stuff once or twice a month. If he asks me to do things for him, I don’t rearrange my life for him unless I feel like it is a positive action (like Friday I’m going to therapy with him). I also do not engage in his pity parties or try to argue his rants about how the world is horrible and everyone is trying to kill everyone and I’ll probabaly end up raped and tortured because I live in a city. I just say “okay” or “hmm never thought about it like that” or “yeah I’m sure I’ll die horribly”. It’s just not worth the energy to try to argue or reason with someone mentally ill. I in general keep my distance after my dad explained it to me like this “he is drowning, and he will take every single one of us with him if you let him”. It’s sad but true. You can’t save everyone, and it’s important to save yourself.

I think running or any physical activity is also a great way to feel better about yourself. Ballet clases really helped me appreciate my body for how it is. Maybe join a running group if you have one in your area?

Oh man I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles Veritek. You always seem like such a genuine and nice person on here, its sad to see you suffering. I won’t offer advice to you directly as I don’t know you and your situation exactly, but I will talk about steps I personally take to work on stuff similar to what you wrote.

I too have some family issues with my parents and also have one parent who is mentally ill. I’ve discovered boundaries are the best thing ever. As is remembering that mental illness is a bitch and the person inflicting the pain is so ill that they are not aware of what they do, and the extent their words and actions hurt others. We are allowed to feel pain at their harshness, but we are lucky to not have the same illness. I keeping reminding myself We are in a better place mentally thus should be compassionate. Its not always easy, but distance and awareness of mental issues make things a little easier when things are rough.

I’ve also become diligent in my self care routine. For me, eating well means taking the time to prepare healthy nutritious meals, cut back on the alcohol as it exacerbates my anxiety and paranoia that no one likes me, and getting in some physical activity. Routines also help when things seem unsurmountable. Is there anyway you can simplify your routine over the next few weeks? Like get up do some light physical activity, have a healthy breakfast and get ready for the day. Work your 8-5 or whatever hours you have, come home decompress then prepare yourself a healthy meal and clean up. Before bed you could read or do some uplifting activity and sleep on time at 10 so you can be ready to get up at 6 and start all over again. Keep this up until things get a little more under control? I find a routine really grounding when things feel overwhelming in my personal life. Getting enough sleep, and sometimes needing sleep aids like melatonin or calming teas, drinking enough water through the day, eating a balanced diet, all this starts to center you. Take a hiatus from social media where everyone posts happy holiday photos and just focus on you. Try to not date until things seem more manageable and you can roll with the punches better.

I wish you the best.

@Muse, that routine is exactly what I was doing, and I’m with you that it really helps keep you on the level!

Kate–thats good to hear! I find routines very helpful to jumpstart me out of a depressive funk. There is something very comforting in knowing you have things settled at home so you can make it a restful place which bleeds into a sense of calm in other areas too.

Note that all three of us – Kate, muse and I – mentioned healthy eating. I feel strongly about a good food regimen. When I take two to three hours out of my life on a Sunday, eating well for the week easily falls into place.

Ktfran–Thanks! I just really love how centered I feel when I have a good routine going.

I agreed with a poster who wrote that they got stressed just reading about your life Veritek, so I can’t imagine how tough it must be to live with that. Sure the external factors you can’t control like a family member’s health and the options for dating available in your city, but you can control how stress free your home life is the minute you enter you own home. If you can find a way to be at peace with things you can’t control then hopefully if and when you are ready to date, the dates will be fun and joyful. Its totally understandable to have a reaction to all that stress you face with tears and need a release. Maybe factor in some self care and reaction time if you need to deal with your mom anytime. The stress of not knowing how normal or unhappy and cruel she will be must be horrible, and its natural to have a reaction to it even if her behavior is not ‘that bad’ I know keeping busy is the new norm, but its not for everyone. Its definitely not good for those of us who need a lot of reflection and self care time after trying ordeals.

And a personal favorite–is there anyway you can go for a massage or facial? I always feel refreshed after one of those, a spa pedicure is more affordable but still relaxing.