DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I think it’s really kind of sad that apparently the average 30 year old man isn’t yet mature enough to have a serious relationship, or even exit a date gracefully.
My friends are all in serious relationships with guys in their 20s (as we are also in our 20s). The guys are all nice, good guys, but they are incredibly immature. My friends tell them what jobs to apply for, how to spend their money, what they do with their free time, etc. The guys seem to like being told what to do (they also seem to be “mama’s boys”), and my friends like their relationship dynamic. However, that’s not what I want at all. I do not want to be someone’s second mom and coach them to get their life together.
I’m not sure that’s exactly true though, Dre. Maybe it’s true of the average single 30-year-old man or the average 30-year-old man who is active on dating sites. But there is also a demographic of 30-year-old men who have been married/committed for a few years. Obviously, that pool of men isn’t going to be on dating sites looking for a match. So, yeah, when doing online dating, I’d say (hetero) women who are 27+ and looking for serious relationships should be focusing their search on 32+ (and add a year for every year you are older than 27, so if you’re 31, you target minimum age is about 36). I mean, this shouldn’t come as a shock that for a lot of men (and women!), online dating is simply an easy way to browse for casual hookups. The older you target your search, the more like you are to broaden the pool of potential matches who are looking for something more serious (and who are more mature themselves).
@kare and THAT is why I want to punch people when they tell me I’m being too picky. I have zero interest in being somebody’s second mama. Which makes my disappointment with this last guy even worse. Why is it that when I finally meet an older man, who I’m attracted to and who has his shit together career-wise and who actually says he wants a relationship, he’s not interested in me? Sigh. At least I have my cats.
For the record, I was 29 when I met Drew (through a friend) and he was 36. He was just about the oldest guy I’d gone out with and the difference between him and the guys I’d dated who were just a few years younger was remarkable. He says he had been ready for a serious relationship for a while, but I think the years of dating unsuccessfully before he met me helped him appreciate what we found in each other pretty quickly. Like, he knew what was out there already. He knew I was a good catch and a good match for him. And he didn’t want to lose out, so he didn’t fuck around. I’m not sure he would have had that same … tenacity if he didn’t have like, 10 solid years of dating under his belt.
@kare that’s how i felt with my ex. we started dating when I was 26 and he was 31 and I swear to god I was basically his mother. I constantly was doing all the “mom” things like planning our vacations with no help from him, making dinner, helping him look for new jobs, reminding him he probably needed a doctor’s appointment, driving his drunk ass around all the time, etc.
Granted I was young and dumb and put up with hit for waaaaaaaaay too long. But I learned, like you say, that I do not want to be someone’s second mother.
I was 36 and my husband was 41 when we met. He was in his late 30s by the time he stopped being a serial dater and kind of a dick or “bad boy” and actually started looking for a solid relationship and using Match. And – this is key – dating age appropriate women. He was no longer a hot-shit elite athlete at that point… “Retired” from that level of competition at 35 or 36, and a little after that he started to focus much more on career. If we’d met sooner I don’t see how it would have worked.
Yup. My husband was actually right around my age (I am six months older), but he had been a crazy partier in college and often says that he’s glad we didn’t know each other then because he wouldn’t have been a good partner for me yet (I say the same – I had my fair share of fun in my late 20s/early 30s). We came together at the exact right time. All the women out there still looking and want a long term partner need to be patient, date against type, and date age appropriate men, who are also in a good head space about finding a long term relationship. And if YOU aren’t in the head space to do those things, take a REAL break from dating and figure out why. I am not saying it’s easy. I remember feeling the same frustration and had the belief I would NEVER find someone, as I watched all my friends getting married, etc. But once I stopped putting such pressure on finding someone and just enjoyed the life I had, worked on fostering amazing relationships with the people in my life, and living for me, A and I found each other – both when and where I least expected it.
@kare that is EXACTLY how all of my friends husbands/fiances/boyfriends are and it seriously unnerves me when we are out doing something and they are berating their boyfriends to remember sunscreen and stupid little shit that any grown adult should be capable of doing/remembering themselves. My one friend did her boyfriend’s laundry and cleaned his house for basically the first 6 years of their relationship (they did not live together until they were married), and now that they are married I am sure she does the same– it works for them like you said but I really just can’t stand that dynamic and it is like they all want to replace their mom’s who did everything with their wives who will continue to do everything for them. I am dating a guy who is 5 years older than me and incredibly independent and the difference between him and my friends significant others is incredibly apparent when we are all hanging out together. It is definitely a dynamic that works much better for me.
Yeah I’ve been in relationships like that and just resented the person. I also think it’s important to determine what YOU want. For awhile I thought I wanted a serious relationship, but now I realize that’s not what I want at this phase of my life. I like having my freedom and being able to put myself first without worrying about someone else. Just because everyone I know is settled down doesn’t mean I have to be.
The other key point is to listen to someone if they tell you what they’re looking for. If a guy says he’s not looking for anything serious, he’s not. I think a lot of times when there’s chemistry it’s easy to trick yourself into thinking things are headed down a different path when the signs say otherwise.
