DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Hey y’all, I’ve been so busy with work and am just now catching up with everyone’s posts. I’ve recently started seeing a new guy. I like him; he’s cute and super sweet and kind of nerdy. He’s a little shy and quieter than the men I’m usually drawn to. I’m quite gregarious, so I’m a little out of my depth. Currently accepting tips on how to deal with that, so let me know if you have any insights.
So here’s a question for you dating thread people. What are your thoughts about not being friends with an ex, particularly when the ex is not a bad person/didn’t really do anything wrong? About a year ago, I broke up with a long-term boyfriend. He’s a nice enough guy, but we realized that we wanted different things. I haven’t talked to him since, not even once. I told him that I needed space when we broke up, so he hasn’t tried to contact me either. I think I originally intended to get back in touch with him eventually, but once I was over it, I guess I didn’t really miss him and just never reached out. The past year was probably the worst and most stressful year of my life, and everything that happened with him seems so far away, but when I realized that it had been an entire year since I last spoke to him, I started feeling really guilty. Thoughts?
I wouldn’t feel bad or guilty either. I think we all say “let’s stay friends” and it only happens in rare cases. I’m only friends with one of my exes and we talk maybe once a week and see each other every few months. Nothing regular.
@Cleopatra_30 CONGRATS! So awesome 🙂
@veritek33 Doing a late brunch tomorrow for date #2 and then going from there. My friend told me he texted her fiance (who is his friend) to see if they are free tomorrow night to watch the final 4 as he knows I’m not a huge sports fan so he figured getting group together would be more fun. He hasn’t asked me about that so not sure if that’s a go…but that will be another like 6 hour date if so haha. Just got two cute tops to wear so feeling nervous/excited.
@shakeourtree No tips but just a comment that I tend to be the outgoing one and I think sometimes it’s nice to have that balance in a relationship. Also he may warm up more as time passes. I wish more shy nerdy guys liked me!Also there’s no reason to be friends with an ex useless you really want to be. Meaning, they add value to your life as a friend after the break up. I think that that tends to be the exception rather than the rule…as I personally have found there tends to be residual feelings for at least one person (in this case, maybe him?). Being friendly if/when you do run into each other: absolutely. But no need to force a friendship if you have moved on. I’m sure you have plenty of friends!
@kmen that’s exciting!!! Brunch dates are the best. Breakfast AND booze! Winning
New guy is working a 14 hour day today and possibly an 8 hour day tomorrow so we are “playing it by ear” but I hope we get to have dinner tomorrow night or something. It would be nice to see him again.
The bad news is…..my furnace is toast. So I get to spend 3 grand on a new unit next week, right when I was feeling some relief from debt lol. Nothing I can do but laugh and shake my head at this point. And get a fifth job lol.
Thanks guys! Well I got a bottle of Italian White wine to share with the fam the night I found out. But I have been looking for a new purse lately, and my little bro works at Roots and can get me a wicked discount, so I will be looking for a nice new leather purse for my work! Then a work wardrobe! Thank god I am being paid VERY well haha
@Cleopatra that sounds like a nice treatyoself!
Unfortunately I don’t know if things with the new guy will work right now. He’s working like 80 hour weeks, which sucks big time and he can’t help it, but we can’t even plan a date more than a few hours in advance and it feels like I’m on call all the time. He told me we might be able to do something this weekend so I didn’t really make any plans, and then he got stuck working all weekend. I don’t really want to just be in a holding pattern for 5 more weeks (how long this work event is supposed to last). One week he works 12-14 hour days and the next week he switches to nights so it’s hard to even talk on the phone or text because he’s either working or sleeping. Maybe I’m awful, but I might tell him that this isn’t working for me right now and that maybe we should talk again when this work thing is over and he actually has time to date. We’ve only been on two dates but I do like him and think he has potential, but I don’t like the inability to plan more than a few hours ahead. Unreasonable?
@veritek, I think that’s totally fair. It’s clear this guy doesn’t really have the time right now to be in the early phases of dating and giving the attention you would like. I think you should just let him know exactly what you said. But don’t plan a date for 5 weeks from now, just leave the door open if you are both interested when this all dies down. Worst case scenario- he’s not interested when things get less busy- but really, it just means he wasn’t interested enough *anyways* and then you didn’t waste weekends waiting for him to be available. Best case scenario, you two resume seeing each other when things get less busy.
Honestly, in reading your last updates, I was confused why you were so chill with all of this cancelling and rescheduling and last minute date thing. It sounds like your life is so hectic already, why would you add to that?
@snoopy I was *trying* to be okay with it and to lighten up a little, but I am who I am, and I really do better with a plan. Even if it’s a vague plan. My anxiety goes into overdrive when I don’t have a plan. Even if he could say “hey, my day off is Sunday, I can’t promise anything, but I’d like to try that day” I’d feel better. But this whole “well babe, we just have to play it by ear” doesn’t really work for me. Maybe it would for other women but I guess I know myself well enough at this point to know that ambiguity just causes me more anxiety.
I agree with what snoopy said. His schedule might work well for someone you’ve been dating for a while. But, to me holding an entire weekend and playing things by ear seems like it’s asking for too much familiarity for date three.
^^ That’s what I’m thinking @jlyfsh Maybe if we had been dating for several months or something I’d feel differently. This just doesn’t feel right. Trying to trust my gut and stay open to other opportunities. If he says he has time to hang and I’m free, that’s cool. But I don’t want to block off whole weekends anymore. Though, I did get a shit ton of housework done with no plans this weekend #silverlining
@veritek, as someone who also needs a plan and hates ambiguity (and would also sit around forever ‘just in case’ someone got free), OWN IT! Don’t apologize for it. Stop making consessions and trying to ‘lighten up’. A little bit of flexibility is good. Pretending you are happy to try to wing it for 5 (8?) weeks, is not. That’s how you get into incompatible relationships- where he flies by the seat of his pants, and you need a schedule and it causes tension. So instead of being anxious and drawing this out in hopes that this guy *IS* more prone to planning (and less flaking) when his schedule settles down, take a break, and try again when his schedule is good. Don’t get more invested in the current state of things when it isn’t working for you. That’s not true to who you are.
And I agree with jlyfsh….too much familiarity by date three with the whole playing-the-weekend-by-ear thing.
