DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@veritek holy guacamole! You really dodged a bullet! I don’t dabble at all in religion or anything spiritual, but damn I have a thing for fate. The fact that you weren’t able to get a 3rd date in after 3 weeks was just fate playing a very nice card of ‘leave that shit alone!’ haha Now focus on your upcoming trip and really relax and have a tech free week!
On the whole defining a relationship, usually I would say it is different for everyone, but really, there should be some rule on labelling too early. In my situation with Slogan Guy I dropped off the dating sites after 2 months. That was after I went on a bunch of dates with various guys and realizing I was happy with Slogan Guy. That took the two months. Then if I were to date Slogan Guy longer (we are ending things since I am moving to Alberta), after 3 months I usually determine whether I want to keep dating him and there is long term potential. That is when I have the exclusivity talk with him as well. Although I am pretty sure he hasn’t been seeing anyone since we started, but always good to have the talk regardless to avoid any miscommunication.
Gifts for birthdays is usually a no go for me when I start dating a guy, especially if its only been a few months. I am not a huge fan of gifts anyways, more into the ‘moments’ thing, like going for a day in the city, or dinner, or a hike etc. But I have dated around my birthday and not told a guy because I didn’t want them to feel like they needed to give me something for it or do something so early on in the dating. I have also dated guys where they understand they don’t need to do anything for me other than send me a bday text or message early on in dating. Slogan Guy even suggested he might send me a gift while I am away and I just flat out said no please a birthday greeting is fine, I don’t need anything. To me it would just be awkward anyways since we are no longer together, so it is unnecessary for him to send me something. I also have no intention of giving him my new address, so that will also prevent any unexpected gifts too haha
Whew, okay, where to start? Thank you @Wendy for your perspective. Just to clear one thing up, you mentioned planning holidays together? I think there might be some confusion. We had a date on Easter. It worked out that way because I was in town because My dad had been in the hospital and the guy called me that afternoon and asked if I was available for dinner. Dad told me to get out of the hospital and have fun for him, so that’s when we had the Hooters dinner date (maybe Hooters should have been a flag? 😉 )
As for the bottle of Jack, I bought it because he said that was his drink of choice and when we talked about having a date for his birthday (which was cancelled) I had offered to cook dinner because it was my “turn” to treat and finances are a little tight because of the furnace crapping out and the pre planned vacation. It was meant to be enjoyed with me and not really a gift I was giving him to keep and take home if that makes sense? Maybe I am giving off a red flag here. (Maybe I am one big giant red flag) Tinder Teacher and I had a date the weekend of my birthday and he had a bottle of my favorite wine waiting for me at his house so I guess I considered it to be a similar gesture?
All that said, yes, I admittedly am the worst at red flags. And no matter how frustrated with me you guys are, I promise I’m ten times more frustrated in myself. I honestly didn’t’ see the star as a red flag. Maybe a yellow flag, so maybe the flag color is in the eye of the beholder here? The multiple cancellations were definitely a red flag. I’ll definitely agree to that and agree that I give way too many chances.
My therapist and I talked a lot about this yesterday and I won’t go into everything we talked about but she basically surmised that I’m two things, Hopeful and Optimistic. And my hope and optimism gets in the way of spotting flags sometimes. And I would hate to not be a hopeful and optimistic person, so I have to figure out how to be better about spotting.
Hilarious that he didn’t have time for you yet expected you to be exclusive? Just…whaaaatt?
I think that a small gesture/gift for birthdays if you are recently exclusive is fine. If you’re not exclusive, then maybe not.
@K I’m not even going to try and figure him out lol. It’s over and done with and Wow.
I will say, the guy I had happy hour with recently and have hung out with twice asked me out to a play. I thought he was just looking for a friend but he used the word date when he asked. I like him and he’s fun and cute but I’m wondering if he’s to the point where he’s looking to date or he just used that terminology accidentally. Either way, it’s not happening for another week or so till I get back from vacay. I’ve been working on believing people when they say what they want and he said a couple months ago when we first started messaging that right now he was looking for friends and he wasn’t sure what he wanted. So I took him at his word and haven’t thought of him as much more than a new friend. Now I’m wondering if something has changed. Just got me thinking.
I’m having an extrovert-dating-an-introvert problem right now, big-time. I asked the boy I’m dating if he wanted to go to a beer festival this weekend because beer + food trucks = what’s not to like?? But he said that he doesn’t like going to those types of events because of the large crowds. That honestly never occurred to me, and now I am very, very disappointed that he doesn’t want to go, probably unreasonably so. I mean, I thought I had come up with the perfect date idea! It didn’t even occur to me that he would say no. Now I’m thinking about what his aversion to crowds will mean if we keep dating. What would it be like to have a boyfriend who avoids crowds/won’t do that kind of stuff with me, and am I OK with that? Am I being unreasonable?
@Shakeourtree I will speak as someone with an aversion to crowds – it certainly limits (to some extent) the activities I can take part in with my partners. Once in a great while, one of them will convince me to do something that means being in a big crowd of people, and I am usually anxious and uncomfortable the entire time. For the most part, I try to date people for whom that’s not important, because otherwise I imagine it would cause a lot of grief (them feeling bad that I don’t want to go to comicon/music festival/beer festival whatever with them, and me feeling bad either going to feeling bad for not going).
You’re not being unreasonable, but neither is he. You just have to figure out how important it is to you that your partner join you for that kind of activity.I’m sorry Veritek, you had to deal with a lot of crazy! I agree with you though that the buying of a preferred beverage when you’re making dinner for someone isn’t overdoing it early on, as long as it’s to be shared and not an expensive/over the top sort of purchase. I think its a nice gesture. But even better to return and use for vacation purchases 🙂
I have been all over the map throughout the years on whether this type of stuff is a red flag, sometimes I’ve been creeped out if someone was extravagant or sent big flowers or something early on, but sometimes a random nice thing (like buying the star, but never that specifically) felt totally normal. I agree though it would have been way less weird if he just remembered that fact about you and gave it to you later on, it’s a little impulsive (and I tend to think extreme impulsiveness is a bad sign) to do it right at that moment. Lots of guys brought me flowers though (like a simple bouquet brought with them, not mailed a huge arrangement) on early dates and I’ve always thought that was sweet. I feel like that’s been dying out over the years haha, now I sound old.
This creepily reminds me of a guy I dated who also worked at a plant (isn’t that what you said?)–he was a chemical engineer, and he was being really overly attentive and stuff at first and then some days, for no reason, would flip on a dime and say all these crazy things. I like to think he was un-diagnosed bipolar or something, but probably he just wanted me to sleep with him (which I hadn’t) and also was still trying to meet other people and was getting frustrated lol. He was just a super selfish/narcissistic person trying to pretend to be something else. I have no idea what happened with this guy who flipped on you though, absolutely no idea!
Hope you have a fabulous trip! And also, yay to so many having great dates lately! Good trend to have 🙂
My brother has an aversion to crowds. It triggers his PTSD, and sometimes he will start thinking he’s back in Iraq. A lot of the stuff we used to do together is no longer an option – concerts, shopping, bars, etc. I try to plan other activities to do with him or plan things that are less anxiety inducing (like he feels safer at the drive in since we are in our own car and it’s less people versus a movie theater).
Obviously it’s different since he’s a family member, but I don’t mind giving up those activities with him since I have other friends to do those things with. I think I would feel similarly in a relationship, but I don’t go to large festivals and things that often.
I think I would have a hard time dating someone who did not like crowds as I enjoy going to music shows a lot– other crowds, I can kind of take or leave depending but in general, where I live, a lot of activities happen outdoors, with larger crowds and it would be limiting to be dating someone who didn’t like that. It can be worked around, but I think it ends up getting trying for both people after awhile.
@shakeourtree I think if you really enjoy doing things like that and would rather do it with a partner than a friend or something, you might not be a great match.
I vary day to day on whether I feel introverted or extroverted so it would depend on how I feel that day if I wanted to do something like that. I’m very claustrophobic so my only problem with crowds is getting packed in tight and unable to move. Then I flip out.
My only comparison is a guy I dated that hated going to wineries. So I went with my friends because it’s one of my favorite things to do. It made me a little sad when I would see lots of couples at the winery but he honestly hated going to them. I don’t know, maybe a shitty comparison, but that was something I just had to do with friends instead of my partner if I still wanted to do it.
