DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Amen, Wendy. Not saying anything basically gives them a pass. The only thing worse would be if he gave you some lame excuse and you gave him another chance. Fuck behavior like this and fuck guys who think it’s ok!
Yeah, I mean, I don’t think calling someone out will necessarily change that person’s behavior going forward, but that’s not any of your concern anyway; what IS your concern is expressing outrage and shock that someone would take for granted how valuable your time and energy and company is! To me, saying absolutely nothing expresses zero shock and outrage. It’s almost as if you were expecting it (not that you were, of course). I mean, I’ve been stood up once — well, twice, by the same person — that I can remember and that was by a girlfriend about a year ago. She simply forgot that we had plans and she was very, very apologetic (and I was still pretty pissed about it, especially when it happened a second time a couple weeks later!). If some guy EVER stood me up, I’d be so fucking irate. Like, how dare you stand me up! Who the fuck do you think you are?! You were fucking lucky to get my time in the first place and then you behave like that? Fuck you. It’s about putting an energy into the universe that I know I am worth more than that.
Preach, Wendy!!!! I couldn’t agree more. I had a client stand me up, but he contacted me about 10 minutes after he was supposed to meet me to express his apology, but otherwise, I can’t recall if anyone else has done it. Like you, I could forgive a friend, if he or she was very apologetic. A guy I was supposed to go on a date with, especially one who had told me mere HOURS prior we would be meeting after dinner? Oh hell no. That’s fucking horrible behavior and, like you said, regardless if it would change his behavior, he needs to know how irate you are.
I dated a guy when I was 18 (young, naive, depressed, and desperate for attention and love) who would stand me up constantly. We only ever ended up going on 2 actual dates. Had amazing chemistry, and man he had a really gorgeous smile. And I thought he was so cool.
After the 10th time (in a row), he asked me out (again) and told me the time that would work for him (as usual).
I made the plans, and then…. made other plans entirely and stood him up. Good times.
@Shakeourtree, what happened with the quiet guy you seemed to like who seemed to really like you? I went back about a month in this thread and you wrote that you were a little concerned that he had disabled his dating profile, saying: “I’m so used to guys “not believing in marriage” or not being “ready for a relationship” or just generally being noncommittal and wishy washy that I don’t even know what I’m doing now that a good man has come along.”
I think the next thing you said, a week or two later, was that he rejected a date idea you had because he doesn’t like crowds. You asked here if that was a red flag and a few people told you that maybe you aren’t a good match (which, in my opinion, was the wrong thing to say).
And then maybe a week after that, it seemed you’d moved on, went out with this guy who has turned out to be a major asshole and you immediately liked him after the first date (whereas, with the quiet guy who was really into you, you weren’t sure how you felt after five dates, even after he met your friends and meshed well with them). Is it possible that you were hesitant with the quiet guy not because he had an aversion to crowds, but because, as you said, you aren’t used to good men? And is it possible that when you met the guy who turned out to be, surprise surprise, noncommittal and wishy-washy (it doesn’t get more noncommittal or wishy-washy than someone standing you up), you were instantly attracted to him because he validated what you believe you deserve (a guy who is NOT a ‘good man’) and was therefore, more comfortable to you?
I’m using you as an example here, and I’m sorry for putting you under the spotlight, but I see this kind of pattern ALL THE TIME (especially in this very thread) and I hope that maybe by pointing it out, someone — if not you — maybe recognizes it in themselves. I think recognizing the pattern and admitting that there’s some truth in it is the first step to breaking the mother-fucking pattern and getting the kind of relationship you ultimately deserve (but may not, on a subconscious level, believe you deserve just yet).
Also, not to keep picking on you, @shakeourtree, but you say that you are accustomed to being blown off? That’s not good. That means it’s a pattern, and I promise you the pattern doesn’t exist because all men are jerks; the pattern exists because you are picking men who are jerks. You — and everyone else who is in this same boat — need to figure out why that is. And why, when you find someone who isn’t a jerk — who is, in fact, a “good man,” — it feels so uncomfortable for you that you, in your words “don’t know what to do.”
Wendy, your recent comment just brought me back in time to the types of guys I used to gravitate toward – non-committal, life of the party, don’t tie me down types. When I started dating my husband, even though the connection between us was SO STRONG, I found myself going back and forth constantly as to whether I REALLY liked him or not and at some points in the early days finding myself talking myself out of the wonderful relationship we were already building. I used to think it was because I was scared to be in that REAL relationship I had been hoping and wishing for, which always seemed silly to me. But after your comment, I think you’re onto something. I think fear was PART of the reason I was feeling that way, but I think it was also that I didn’t yet feel worthy of that kind of love. I am so thankful that I fought against my usual instincts, which would have been to turn away from this potential relationship with this amazing guy who called and texted when he said he would, and picked me up at the airport after a business trip and didn’t just wait at the curb, but came inside to meet me. And he’d also drive around for an hour looking for parking every time he came to visit because my neighborhood sucked for parking. All of these things, which seem so little say so much about the type of guys worthy of us overlooking things that don’t really matter (like dislike of crowds).
Sorry for the tome, but this REALLY hit home for me. And I wanted to provide an example of what can happen when you get over yourself and open yourself up to the type of love you truly deserve.
Girl, I hear ya! I spent the first six months I dated Drew talking myself out of a real relationship with him. First, I told myself it was just a vacation fling (I met him while I was visiting NYC for a long weekend), then I told myself it was just a summer fling. When he stretched beyond that and real feelings were developing, I told myself it couldn’t work because we were long distance and it was supposed to have ended when the summer did. I’m so glad he was patient with me and that I fought that natural instinct to throw away a very, very good man because I didn’t think I deserved to be treated and loved as well as he had been treating me.
Agree with the above. It’s definitely an adjustment to be with a guy who treats you well, answers your texts/calls, etc. after being with guys who aren’t that way and who blow you off. I remember when I first started dating my boyfriend, it was almost a little overwhelming. I had just dated a guy who was always blowing me off so it was a big change.
For me it wasn’t so much that I was trying to talk myself out of it because I thought I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment, but more like, can this guy be for real, and looking for the catch. Like why hasn’t he been married yet?
And I agree, if you’re repeatedly getting excited about guys who blow you off or only want to hook up once or twice, you are picking the wrong men. If you find yourself not even responding to guys who seem nice and earnest but not the hottest, or questioning your interest in a guy who treats you really well, examine that.
OMG Kate that is happening to me right now! I’ve met a really nice man (and granted, I don’t know him that well yet so anything can happen) but I keep looking for the catch. I even texted my best friend this morning and said, I keep trying to figure out what’s wrong with him because I feel like no sane man would be this attentive.
